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“Don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me,” Ben muttered these words again and again between muffled sobs into Callum’s neck. Callum didn’t know how long they’d been stood like this but it didn’t matter.
Callum sighed, tears still streaming down his face. He pulled back slightly to look at Ben and saw a flash of panic cross his boyfriend’s face.
“It’s alright, it’s alright!” Callum spoke clearly wanting Ben to understand, “I ain’t going nowhere.”
Ben let out another sob and pressed his face back into Callum’s chest.
They stayed there for a while longer, until Ben had stopped shaking and silence had descended on the room. Callum pulled back again and offered a small smile to Ben who was looking up at him like he was the most precious thing in the world. Callum took Ben’s right hand and led him to the middle of the room. They both took a seat each, Ben put his head in his hands, his eyes squeezed shut.
Callum tapped Ben’s chin to get him to look up, “We do need to talk though.” Ben nodded, settling himself so he could see Callum’s face. Desperate to maintain some form of physical contact, which Callum knew Ben needed, he knocked his leg against Ben’s willing the smallest of smiles from the younger man.
“I can deal with most things Ben. I can deal with dodgy deals and stolen motors and bald-headed Scouse idiots, but what I can’t deal with is the thought of you with anyone else,” Callum tried to keep his words clear, he desperately wanted Ben to understand.
“I wouldn’t have cheated Callum. I wouldn’t.”
“How do I know that Ben?” Callum retorted, almost pleading.
“Because, because I was only going only with it because it felt good to feel like the old me again. To show myself I could still do the things I used to do. To know I could still be wanted by someone.”
“I STILL WANT YOU, I ONLY WANT YOU,” Callum shouted which startled Ben, feeling guilt wash over him immediately he places his hands over Bens ears, “Sorry, sorry.”
Ben closes his eyes, tears threatening to fall from his eyes, “I know you do, I really don’t know why, but I know. I wouldn’t have let him do anything Callum you have to believe me.”
“But you let him put his hands on you, you let him think he had a chance,” Callum was crying again now too, his voice coming out raspy and the taller man knew his boyfriend would be having a hard time understanding him, “Did I even enter your mind? Why aren’t I enough Ben?”
“You are!! You are, I don’t know what’s wrong with me Callum I’m so scared,” Ben pleaded with the other man, clasping his hands in his.
“So am I Ben. I am shit scared everyday that you are going to go so far into self-destruct that you put yourself in danger. I’m scared you are going to get so drunk one day that you end up in some stranger’s bed,” Callum pauses and the look on Ben’s face makes him feel guilty again but this needs to be said, “I am not going to be your punching bag anymore Ben. It is breaking my heart to see you hurting yourself and I can’t watch you do that do yourself anymore. Please just let me help you.”
Callum takes Ben’s face in his hands wiping away the tears from his cheeks with his thumbs.
“Ok,” Ben choked out, “Ok. I’ll get help, I’ll be better Callum I will. Just please, don’t leave me.”
Callum smiled, pressing a kiss to Ben’s lips, “I’m staying, I’m staying.”
They stayed like that; foreheads pressed together both breathing into the small space between them.
-
A while later, they were lying in bed, facing each other.
“No more pushing me away, ok? You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone. You’re still Ben. I just want you to be Ben,” Callum spoke quietly and slowly.
Ben nodded, “I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you, Cal.”
Callum just laughed and shook his head, tracing hearts along Ben’s arm.
“I have no idea why,” Ben muttered, Callum looking at him questioningly, “I have no idea why you love me,” Ben continued, “I’m a living nightmare.”
Callum huffed out a small laugh and nodded, “But you’re my nightmare, and I wouldn’t change you for the world. Remember what I said the night you broke it off before Christmas?” he questioned.
Ben winced, “Please don’t remind me.”
Callum ignored him, “I said I would be wherever you are, and I will. For as long as you want me.”
Ben grinned then, and launched himself at his boyfriend, pressing his face into the crook of Callum’s neck.
“That’s forever then,” Ben muttered quietly.
“Hmmm?” Callum responded, pulling back so Ben could see his face, a teasing glint in his eye. “Sorry, didn’t quite catch that,” Callum joked, laughing at Ben rolling his eyes.
“I said, that’s forever then. I’ll want you forever.”
Neither said anything then. They just laid and looked at each other like two people in love, because that’s what they were. Two people in love who would get through anything if they had each other.
Forever.