Chapter Text
Shepard sat at her vanity brushing her hair out, her red curls as troublesome as ever, when her two men appeared in the vanity’s mirror. They both wore very serious expressions.
“Is everything alright?” she asked as she swiveled to face them, her hands cradling the brush in her lap. James crouched down to Shepard’s level and gently placed his hands on her thighs as he kneeled before her.
“We need to talk to you Lola,”
Shepard stared in confusion, first at James and then at Kaidan.
“Shep—Annie,” Kaidan stepped forward and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, “We have a problem— you have a problem,”
“A problem?” Shepard sputtered, her blue eyes wide, “What in the hell are you talking about?”
James took the brush from Shepard’s hands and reached around her to place it on the vanity before he stood up and pulled her along. Still holding her hand, James led her across the room and into their shared closet; Kaidan followed close behind.
Kaidan flicked on the closet’s light, his arm making a wide, sweeping gesture towards the closet’s three large walls,
“We love you Shepard, but this has to stop,”
Shepard was confused “Stop? What do you mean, stop?” she asked defensively.
“The shopping,” James supplied, “you have to stop shopping,”
Shepard stared at the two men and scoffed, “You’re being this dramatic over my shopping habits? Are you kidding me?”
“Lola, babe, do you really need four cardigans in the same exact style?”
“But they’re different colors!’
“How about the plethora of clothes that you own all in the color black? Hmm?” Kaidan added, “Do you need that much black?”
“Black looks good on me and they are not all the same kind of black,” Shepard crossed her arms, “I don’t know what the big deal is. I like to shop, so what. Besides, I wear everything in here and on a regular basis,”
“But there’s no space for us, Lola,” James continued to explain, “Blue and I each had a wall in this closet at one time, but now we have to share half of one. There isn’t enough space for all three of us and it’s because of your clothes, “
“You’re going to need to de-clutter, Shepard,” Kaidan told her.
Shepard was quiet for a moment and stared at the floor but then looked up with a sly grin.
“I have a solution. One where everyone has plenty of space, and one where I don’t have to give up my clothes,”
James and Kaidan shared a skeptical look. Shepard held each of their hands in her own and deliberately looked them in the face eye one at a time,
“I get the whole closet and you two can share the guest bedroom’s,”
“What? No, Shepard—”
“Lola, that’s not—,”
“No,” Shepard waved to cut them off and turned to leave, “It’s the perfect solution! You’ll have your room and my clothes won’t be cramped. Win, win!” she said over her shoulder, and as if her smug smile wasn't enough, she added a wink for good measure.
James and Kaidan stood alone, staring silently and dumbfounded long after their wife had gone.
“That did not go as planned,” James said after a minute or two. Kaidan sighed in agreement.
“Hey, Blue?”
“Yeah, James?”
“I don’t think we went about this the right way,” James unbuckled his belt and begun unbuttoning his pants, “I think we need to use a more intimate touch. Ya feel?”
Kaidan met his husband’s eyes and smiled, “I think you may be right,” Kaidan followed suit, pulling off his shirt and tossing it on the floor, “Hey, Shep” he called out as he walked out of the closet, “We weren’t finished talking,”
“Yeah, Lola, this ain’t over," James was down to his boxers now, "Not by a long shot,”