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Being a firefighter is not an easy job. Everyone looked at you as a superhero, something bigger than life. But once you are inside the job, you’ll get to realize they are human too. They see faces of death every time they are called upon to respond. We see them as someone who remains composed or stoic even after all the horrors they’ve faced during the day. The only time you’ll see a firefighter crying was when one of their co-workers die.
“118. 118. This is dispatch. We got Bobby Nash on the line, he said it was important.“ Eddie and Hen exchange looks as the words rang through their ears on the way to respond to a call. Chimney, who was seating in front glanced at them as he responds. “ what? “.
“Dispatch, please repeat.” Chimney added.
As the second firetruck was about to turn left, it explodes. Eddie was the first one to see. His mind went blank as he watched it crash.
Buck. He glanced to where Buck was pinned, half of his body is under the truck. Tears starts to form on his eyes.
“ no no no no no” Eddie keep on repeating, he jumped out of the truck absentmindedly and was about to run to Buck when Hen pulled him back.
“Eddie, we can’t.”
“But Buck,” he whispered.
“ We can’t. Not yet.” Hen replied and pointed at someone approaching the truck. He was too focus on Buck that he failed to notice the boy that was wearing a vest with explosives attached to it. The boy keeps on asking for the captain but when Chimney step out, he says that he’s not the captain that he wants. Eddie was getting impatient, he can’t stay still knowing that Buck was injured and still under the truck. He was about to run towards Buck when Bobby appears and talked to the boy. Eddie doesn’t know how long was the talk or how the boy got arrested, as soon as the scene is clear he sprinted to the firetruck and checked on Buck.
“ Buck? Come on man. It’s okay. We’re here now. We’ll get you out okay? Stay with me. Please buddy.” He said frantically as Hen and Chimney was coming towards them. Buck’s fingers twitched a little and a groan escaped his lips. “ come on querido, stay with me.” Eddie was unaware of the words that was coming from his mouth, all he cares about was to get Buck out of there, alive. Hen attached the cervical collar to Buck’s neck to stabilize him. Hen was panicking, but she keep herself composed.
“ How’s he doing Chim?”
“ We’re running out of time Cap.” Eddie froze upon hearing those words. Buck’s running out of time.
Eddie wanted to help in lifting the truck, but he doesn’t have the strength to do so. Not after hearing those words coming from Chimney. So he settles in helping Hen in pulling him out. He was holding Buck’s hand when he felt a little squeeze.
“it’s okay Buck, we’ll get you out of here. You'll be okay.” he whispered as he pressed his lips to Buck’s hand. He doesn’t usually believe in prayer, but he respects it. Eddie can’t remember when was the last time he prayed, or if he even prayed before. Please don’t take him away from us. Christopher needs him. I need him. I still have a lot of things to say to him. Just give this to me. Just let him live and I would never ask anything from you again.
As soon as the truck was lifted, they pulled him out and put him in the backboard for transport. Eddie let out a sigh of relief.
“Hey buddy, the hospital’s 4 minutes away. You're okay now.” Chimney said as he was being transported to the ambulance. Buck smiled faintly as his hold on Eddie starts to loosen. Eddie was with him on the way to the hospital, the others would follow after they clean up the scene. There’s no way Eddie would take his eyes off of him now. The ride to the hospital was the longest four minutes ride that Eddie ever had in his life. As soon as they arrived at the emergency room, there are already doctors and nurses on stand-by.
Eddie was stopped by the nurses when they have reached the operating room. He hated to leave Buck behind but that was as far as he was allowed to. He stays right outside the doors of the operating room, pacing back and forth. Not even 30 minutes had passed, when the doctor in-charge walked out of the room with his head down. And Eddie knew what that meant even before the words came out of the doctor’s lips. Tears threatened to fall but he kept his face stoic, trying to remain composed even if his mind was so clouded.
“ we tried everything, but the damage was too big. He lost a lot of blood, half of his body was already dead. I'm sorry. Would you like to see him one last time? “ all he could give was a nod and went inside the room. He stands there, looking at Buck’s lifeless body. Unable to do anything. The doctor left to give him space to mourn. And as soon as the doors closed, he let out a nerve-racking cry that he hadn’t done before. He fell on the floor as his other hand was holding Buck’s cold one.
Oh God. Christopher. How am I supposed to tell him that Buck was never coming back.
Tears kept on falling from his eyes. He had a lot of things to say to him. About how thankful he is for everything that Buck has done, for him—for them. How Buck made Christopher’s life happy. How Buck made him happy. How everything in his life becomes a whole lot easier because of him.
How Buck made him believe in love again. How he fell in love with him. But he was too late. Maybe if he hadn’t wait for the perfect timing to tell him how he really felt, he could’ve showed Buck how much he loves him. But it was all too late now.
There are a lot of things he wants to say to Buck, but what’s the point of telling him now? He’ll never know those things because he’s dead now. And Eddie regretted those times he failed to tell him about what he really felt for his best friend, his partner—his love. He fixed himself and stood up. He leaned in Buck’s ear and whispered the words he was never able to say.
“ Te amo , mi querido “.
He squeezed his hand one last time and gave Buck’s lips a soft kiss for the first time and the last time. The doctor came back with Buck’s clothes and things that he had before the operation, Eddie accepted it with an expressionless face. The doctor gave him a consoling pat on the shoulders and escorted him out. When the doors of the room opened, he saw the 118 waiting for him along with Maddie and Athena. He gave a small shake of his head, Maddie let out a painful cry and feel into the floor. Chimney tried to be strong as he held Maddie, but he too was shaking from the pain. Bobby was the first one to run to him and gave him a tight hug and was followed by Hen and Athena, who both can’t believe the news. Eddie tried to hold back the tears threatening to fall. He tried so hard to be strong and comfort the team, but he failed as he let out a sob.
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Being a firefighter is not an easy job. Everyone looked at you as a superhero, something bigger than life. But once you are inside the job, you’ll get to realize they are human too. They see faces of death every time they are called upon to respond. They risks their lives to save other people everyday. The night before their shifts starts, they write letters to be given to their family or to someone they love.
Eddie wakes up Christopher to do their daily routine before dropping him off to the school. They are in the dining table when Christopher asks a question that Eddie was dreading to hear.
“ Dad, can Buck pick me up later? “ Chris asks innocently, Eddie pursed his lips and closed his eyes. He held back his tears, Christopher isn’t ready to hear it yet. So he lied. As much as he hates lying to his son, he doesn’t have a choice. He cleared his throat before responding.
“ Uhm, sorry buddy. But Buck is not around. He went somewhere far from here.” Christopher nodded in understanding and says why Buck didn’t say goodbye to him and that he can’t wait to see him again. Eddie can’t hold his tears anymore so he rushed in to the bathroom to let it all out. And when he was done, he washed his face and calmed himself before going back to his son. After dropping him to the school, Eddie went to the station.
Bobby was there. Hen was there. Chimney was there. Everyone was there, it’s like nothing has change. Except, Buck’s not there anymore. Before he cries again, they all hugged him. They gave one another words of encouragement to go through the day. Bobby tells him to come to the dining area. He gave him the letter that Buck wrote for him. Eddie was given an off day by Bobby. Bobby gave him one last hug before they separated. Eddie drove to the beach, he found a place where there are no people except him. He let out a heavy sigh before reading the letter.
Dear Eddie,
Do you remember that time when I asked you if Christopher is the reason why you never dated again, and you told me they’re not your type and I told you that they weren’t my type either? Truth is ever since I laid my eyes on you, I can’t take them off you. You amazed me every day. You are always so daring. Always improvising during the calls and you’re always giving me a heart attack every single time. And I always follow you, because I don’t want you to get hurt. I wanted to be with you so I can protect you. And I know that I've keep this from you for so long. And I know by now that it's too late but nonetheless, I still want you to know. I’ve been secretly in love with you all this time.
I love you Eddie, and I always believed then that maybe we would have a chance—a chance for a happily ever after. That you could possibly feel the same way for me. That I would get to hear you say, “ I love you too “ after I tell you how much I love you. That I would come home one day seeing you and Christopher by the door, smiling and waiting for me. That your face would be the last thing I see before I sleep or the first thing that I see every morning.
I believed that we would have not just a yesterday and today, but a tomorrow. I believed we had all these chances.
But we don’t.
Because now that Shannon’s back, I know that you’ll fix things up for Christopher. For him to have a complete and a happy family. Because no matter how much I love him, he would always need his mother.
And now, all I have are “maybes”. Maybe tomorrow, instead of her, it is I who would be holding you closely in my arms. Maybe tomorrow, instead of her, it is I who would be saying “ I do.” Maybe tomorrow, instead of her, it is I who you would see first in the morning.
And maybe tomorrow, instead of her, it is I who you would love forever.
But then, these are just maybes—maybes that won’t ever come true. Maybes that won’t became real. Maybes that will always remain as maybes.
Eddie, now that Shannon’s back, I know that you’ll eventually be back together. Because I know you still love her, and that I hope she is truly destined for you. All I could do now is to wish you both the happiness and the joy you both deserve. And now, I am finally waving the white flag-- I shall let you go now Diaz, even if you weren’t mine to begin with.
If you are not reading this letter right now, then I hope this would never reach to you. Because I hope to tell this to you all in person. I hope to see how you react when I confess to you.
But if you are, I'm sorry you had to know all of these through a piece of paper.
If you received this letter, then know that I am somewhere far away, a place that you cannot visit by any modes of transportation. But I want you to always remember that no matter where I am, when you need me, I'll always be beside you.
And maybe tomorrow, when I am reborn, I would be standing up, smiling right in front of you. I'll try my best to never forget you. I love you Edmundo Diaz, till we meet again, my love.
Loving you always,
Buck
Eddie folded the letter and hugged it tightly into his chest, sobbing. Eddie could wait for all the tomorrows he could have, but he knows that it would always remain a maybe—a never ending, uncertain maybe tomorrow. He opened his eyes and smiled bitterly as he watches the horizon.
I'll find you on our next life, querido.