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He kept walking until he could smell the sea, kept on walking until he could hear the waves. When his feet hit the sand, at that moment he allowed himself to collapse.
Lying on the beach, alone, big fat tears rolling down his face. They kept falling as if the rain was pouring down on him. If it did raining at that moment, he wouldn't have even cared. He cried silently until he was sobbing loudly and howling from his lung.
He'd imagined being on this beach so many times before. This place was their idea. They chose it together.
But never had he imagined being here alone. Not once.
He'd thought about all the possibilities of the outcome. All the ways this could have ended. All the things that could have gone wrong. He even thought about some of them being caught.
He'd planned everything, every solution to every problem he ever thought of.
But no plan can fix the death.
It was so early in the morning that no one was on the beach with him. He was lying there, didn't know for how long, until the pitch black of the sky slowly turned into greyish-blue. He looked up at the sky, watching it being painted slowly by the sunlight.
Everything was so quiet except for the sound of the sea which helped calm his heart a little bit. His tear still falling, as if it didn't know how to stop.
He'd come to peace with his brother's condition years ago. It took years for him to finally accept that. But he still would do anything for Andrés to live even longer. They planned how they would spend the remaining time together also with the place for him to live for the rest of his life.
He didn't need to explain how devastated he was when he found out Andrés was never coming out through that tunnel. But he needed to put his emotions at bay for the sake of the band. But since his duty had been completed, he could be able to let his guilt, grieve, torment, anger out all at once. It overwhelmed him completely, left out the surreal feeling of what had just happened not more than 10 days ago.
Everything went so fast that when he thought back to where he'd done wrong, what he did wrong to lead him to lose Andrés, so many things came up to his head that he couldn't keep up with.
He still couldn't grasp the idea that his brother was gone. It was so sudden. The information was too painful he didn't want to accept that. He also just couldn't.
Like he himself had been hit with a truck and still in a coma. The void in his chest felt familiar to when he'd lost his dad. But this time it was much more.
How he managed to get himself to his apartment that morning was beyond him.
Some nights he woke up and hoped everything was just a dream. But the fact that he woke up alone in a foreign country could prove him enough.
The first month he kept looking for Andrés to magically show up.
The next 3 months were full of if only scenarios in his head.
After 6 months he managed to think about him and not cry.
After that, he gave all the Retroxils he had to the local hospital.
And he hoped that one day he could manage to think about him and smile.