Archive of Our Own

Now

Levi doesn’t want to admit how hard it is not to barf or faint right now. He’s a freaking surgical resident; he should be able to look at a trauma patient without wanting to throw up or pass out.

It’s just that this girl is wrapped around a bike and not in the metaphorical sense. There are bruises, and blood, and limbs at unnatural angles. Sometimes he wishes he could have the medicine and the surgeries without all of the gore.

He’s able to distract himself from the general ewof it all by focusing on the patient’s running monologue on how attractive Dr. Hunt and Dr. Avery are. Levi is a little offended he’s not included in her spiel, but he’s consoled by the fact that he doesn’t swing that way anyways. He’s removing her shoes when her rambling turns into an exclamation.

“Oh my God!” she says. She’s really very chatty for someone who got hit by a car.

Levi whips his head around and hopes something even more gruesome hasn’t caught her attention.

He takes in the two surgeons walking their way. It’s the ortho consult.

Oh my God is right.

Then

Levi is a first year medical student at the University of California San Francisco. He’s made it through the first semester, despite an intense bout of homesickness. He’s still here. He wasn’t one of the three first years who didn’t make it through the weed out classes. He never gave in to his mom suggesting he transfer to a program closer to home.

He’s done a lot of unexpected things these past few months, and he’s impressed himself. He can continue doing that today. Surely he can get through one day shadowing a surgical resident at UCSF Hospital.

“I’m Dr. Kim.”

It’s just did hehave to be assigned to the hottest surgical resident in the group? He embarrasses himself enough without the added pressure of hiding his instant attraction.

Dr. Kim waits for Levi to respond in kind, but Levi is silent. He’s too caught up in his own thoughts to even say his own name.

“You can call me Nico,” Dr. Kim tries.

Levi snaps back into focus.

“I’m Levi. Levi Schmitt. You can call me Levi. Not that there’s anything else to call me. I’m not Dr. Schmitt yet. I might not ever be if I –”

Nico puts him out of his misery.

“I’ll stick with Levi.” He’s obviously amused, but he doesn’t seem to be mocking Levi. That’s a nice change.

“I’m, um, excited to shadow you today. I’m thinking I want to do surgery, so this is a great way to figure out if I can manage it.”

“Don’t do that,” Nico says. He starts walking down the hall, and Levi takes the hint to follow behind.

“Do what?”

“Dismiss yourself,” Nico answers. “If you want to be a surgeon, you should start by building up your confidence. No one wants to be filleted open by a guy with no confidence.”

“Right. Yeah. Noted.”

Now

“Someone called for an ortho god,” says the one on the left.

Their patient isn’t the only one openly staring, but she is the only one still commenting on the attractiveness of everyone in the room.

The newcomers are trading confused glances now. Nobody has said anything.

The doctor on the left locks eyes with Levi.

“Schmitt!” he says, and there’s that ridiculous smile Levi knows all too well.

“Link,” Levi stammers on, “I mean Dr. Lincoln. I didn’t realize you were our new Head of Ortho.”

“I didn’t realize you were doing your residency at Grey-Sloan,” Link says. He walks over the patient’s side and starts evaluating her legs. “You’d think I would’ve heard about that somewhere.”

Link’s eyes flick over to the other new ortho guy. There’s an expectation in his gaze.

“Dr. Kim,” Levi says.

“Levi,” says Dr. Kim. Then he moves to start helping Link with the patient.

Then

“That was amazing,” Levi says as he scrubs his hands. He’s standing next to Nico as he does the same, and they’ve just come out of a four-hour surgery on a bum knee.

“It was just a knee replacement,” Nico laughs.

“Yeah, but they let you do like the whole thing,” Levi argues. “If I have to get more confident, you have to start acknowledging when you do things that are really freaking cool.”

Nico steps back from the sink and starts drying off with a hand towel. Levi looks at him expectantly.

“Okay it was pretty freaking cool.”

“There we go! What’s next?”

“Next?” Nico asked. They leave the scrub room and start moving down the hallway. “Dude, you were supposed to leave two hours ago.”

“Oh,” Levi says. He’d honestly forgotten he wasn’t an actual surgeon, and he’s still a little high off his first time in an OR. “The day kind of flew by.”

“That’s a good thing,” Nico says. “If you enjoyed today that much, surgery is definitely for you.”

“I really enjoyed it,” Levi assures. He’s not used to talking this much or saying what’s on his mind. Nico has already changed his mindset, and it’s only been one day. “I know this is a one-time thing set up by the school, but is there any chance I could do this again sometime?”

“I’d have to check with my attending. You could probably come back whenever you’re free and I’m doing ortho. Dr. Lincoln is pretty cool about most things.”

It’s not a no, which is promising.

“Sweet. Thanks for letting me follow you around. I think this is the most I’ve learned since starting medical school.”

“You obviously haven’t taken Pharmacology with Dr. Fan. Dude’s like a triple doctor and completely up his own ass. You learn a lot though.”

“Yeah. We take that this summer, assuming I make it until then.”

Nico stares at Levi until he realizes what he’s just done.

“I mean I’ll take that this summer because I’m definitely going to still be in medical school then because I’m smart and capable or whatever.”

“Better.”

“Thanks.”

“Where’s your phone? I’ll give you my number, and we can figure out a time when you can come back for more shadowing.”

Nico says it casually, like he didn’t just set all of Levi’s insides of fire by implying they’ll see each other again.

“Yeah! Definitely. Let’s do that.” Levi tries not to fumble with his phone too much as he pulls it out of his pocket and hands it over.

“Also if you’re having problems with any of your classes, give me a call. I was top of my class.”

Nico hands the phone back over and Levi spots where he put his name as Dr. Kim with the smirking emoji.

“Your kind of cocky, you know?”

“It’s been mentioned to me before.”

Now

Levi catches a break between Anisha’s ER consult and her surgery. He tests his luck by grabbing lunch and settling down at a table in the cafeteria.

As he begins eating, he considers how this has gone from a fairly average day to one of the more stressful days of his residency to date. He barely stopped himself from puking this morning, he has a nice young patient who might die, and he’s run into two people from his past he never thought he’d have to see again.

Seriously, this hospital is cursed. They shouldn’t allow people to work here, and they shouldn’t allow sick people to come here.

“Levi?”

It’s Taryn. She’s apparently joined him at his table of misery without him even noticing.

“I sat down like thirty seconds ago, and you haven’t even acknowledged me. What gives?”

“I’m having a bad day,” Levi admits.

“You’re on the half-girl half-bike thing, right? Doesn’t sound like a bad day to me.”

“Days like this make me understand why Superman needed his Fortress of Solitude.”

Taryn looks up from where she’s methodically sorting her trail mix into classified piles.

“Did you just compare yourself to Superman?”

“It’s like you’re deliberately misinterpreting everything I’m saying,” Levi says, and he takes a somewhat aggressive bite of his sandwich.

“I’m just trying to lighten the mood.”

“Well, I’m just trying to hint that I would really like to be alone right now.”

“I’m not leaving you alone like this. You’re not good alone. You spiral,” Taryn says matter-of-factly.

“I do not spiral. I just don’t need to deal with people right now. People got me into this situation in the first place.”

“Can we just skip this whole fake conversation where we talk around the thing that’s bothering you and get to the part where we talk about what’s actually going on?” 

“I –”

Levi’s pager goes off before he has to explain himself. Finally something has gone his way.

He checks the page. It’s from ortho. Damn. Looks like he’s not catching a break after all.

He doesn’t want to admit he takes his time getting to the ortho wing. The page wasn’t a 911, and he’s got a sinking feeling that it has nothing to do with Anisha at all.

His concerns are validated when he finds Link standing in an empty patient room waiting on him.

“You paged?” Levi says dryly.

Link reads his face, “I did. Was that not cool?”

Levi wants to say it isn’t. He wants to call it inappropriate, and he wants to dart out of the room. Levi also remembers a time where talking with Link was something he enjoyed. And until today, it was something he never imagined doing again.

Link looks upset to have upset him, and Levi isn’t heartless.

“It’s a little not cool,” he settles on. “But I’m already here, so we might as well catch up.”

“Grab a seat,” Link says. Levi goes to do just that, but then notices Link has arranged three chairs in the far corner of the room.

“I’m not the only person you paged, am I?” Levi groans.

“No, you’re not.”

It’s a new voice or an old voice, really. It’s Nico’s voice, and it’s coming from the doorway where he stands looking just as frustrated as Levi feels.

Levi looks over at Link.

“Not. Cool.”

Then

Levi doesn’t want to admit how hard it is not to barf or faint right now. He’s one moment of weakness away from completely humiliating himself in front of Nico. If that happens, he’ll have no choice but to change his name and move across the country. If he pukes on Nico he will never recover in California knowing there’s a chance they may bump into each other again.

It’s in his best interest to remain calm. Which should be easy because they’re just two guys drinking coffee and having a conversation in a coffee shop. Levi was already mortified when Nico commented on the intimate ambiance of the shop. Levi picked the place, and he maybe chose it because it’s the most romantic coffee shop in downtown San Francisco. He didn’t think Nico would notice or comment on it though.

It was just so tempting to invite Nico here and let himself imagine what it could be like to be on a date with him instead of a platonic coffee run.

“Dude, you look like you’re about to sweat through your shirt.”

“It’s really hot in here, right? I think it’s hot in here.”

Levi knows it’s a bad cover-up. He’s wearing a t-shirt, Nico is wearing a sweater, and only one of them is visually perspiring.

“Not really,” Nico says. Levi is again amazed at Nico’s honesty. He doesn’t mince words or allow excuses. “Look, you’re obviously uncomfortable. Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea.”

“What whole thing?”

“You and me going on a date. You’ve barely said five words, you won’t even look at me, and you’re maybe seconds away from passing out.”

Levi’s sweating intensifies.

“We’re on a date?” his shock must come off as genuine as it is because Nico looks very confused.

“Yes?” he says. “I asked you to coffee on a Saturday afternoon. I said it was a date!”

Levi thinks of Nico’s “It’s a date” text he received after they had settled on a time and place.

“That’s just something people say when they make plans!” Levi exclaims. “I did not know this was a date.”

Nico flushes, and Levi realizes this is the first time where Nico is the one blushing.

“That’s great. Awesome,” he takes a steadying breath. “Well if it’s not a date, we can just forget this ever happened and go back to normal. We can pretend I didn’t just make a fool out of myself and that you weren’t about to puke all over the table. We’ll hit reset, and we’ll just be friends. Friends works for us.”

It’s Levi’s turn to be confused. Has Nico been thinking he’s the one with the huge, unrequited crush? Levi notices for the first time that Nico is wearing a nice sweater Levi has never seen him in before. Nico was also the one who was early and holding a table for the first time ever since they started hanging out three months ago. He also paid for both of their coffees, and insisted Levi didn’t need to pay him back.

This was a date. It was a date, and Levi has ruined it by doing stupid things like insisting on paying for his own drink and wearing a questionably clean UCSF t-shirt. Oh, and acting like a sweaty mess.

“No, no, no,” Levi rushes. “I’m being weird and uncomfortable because I was trying not to let on how badly I wished this was a date.”

“What?” Nico still looks concerned, but he’s also allowing his mouth to quirk a little to the left.

“I want to be on a date with you. I picked the most romantic coffee shop in San Francisco because every time I come here I imagine what it would be like to be here on a date with you. I haven’t said anything because every time I open my mouth to talk to you I feel like I’m about to lose control and tell you how you’re all I’ve ever wanted.”

“Levi –”

“Please don’t make us hit reset. I want to stay here. I want to be on a date with you more than I’ve maybe ever wanted anything. We can start over! I’ll walk out and walk back in, and I promise I’ll be less sweaty and more date-like.”

Nico’s grinning now, and Levi starts to smile too.

“Well go on,” Nico says.

“What?”

“Walk out and walk back in. We’re redoing this. I’m not telling everyone our first date was a complete disaster. We’re starting over. Walk out and walk back in.”

Levi jumps out of his seat and does as he’s told.

Now

Levi’s not sure how it happens, but he finds himself agreeing to this weird little powwow with Link and Nico. Link may act like a gentle golden retriever, but he’s quietly persuasive when he wants to be. Levi’s only comfort is that Nico seems just as uncomfortable as he is.

“Seattle,” Link says. It breaks the tense silence, but doesn’t really inspire conversation.

Levi tries anyway, “Yeah. Seattle. A lot of rain. A lot of mountains. A lot of water.”

“A lot of surgical opportunities that made it worth turning down San Francisco’s offer to do your residency there?”

Link is a lot pushier than he remembers.

“There’s that,” Levi says. “It’s the top surgical residency program in the country.” He’s carefully avoiding looking at Nico. Instead he’s staring at spot on the wall where the paint has chipped. He should probably get someone to tell maintenance about that. Patients hate any flaws in the healthcare delivery model.

“My mom is here,” Levi continues. “It’s nice to be back home.”

“I’m sure it is,” Nico says. Levi is reminded that Nico grew up in California and loves it there. Levi’s a little peeved he’s the one being questioned about Seattle when they’re the ones who showed up out of nowhere.

“So that’s pretty much why I’m here,” Levi says. He tries to be casual. “What made you guys make the change?”

Nico is apparently done talking. Link covers him.

“Like you said,” he says. “It’s hard to say no when a leading research hospital calls and offers you free reign over the whole department.”

Levi knows that tone of voice.

“Dr. Bailey wouldn’t take no for an answer, would she?”

“She’s really scary,” Link admits. “Even over the phone.”

“You should have seen him,” Nico contributes. Levi thought he would prefer the silent treatment, but he can’t deny the little thrill he feels when he speaks. “It might be the first time I’ve ever seen Link rattled by anyone.”

“I’ll have to lurk around the corner the next time she wants to talk to you,” Levi says. It’s a joke, but it’s also not a bad idea. Link is notoriously unflappable. Seeing him in some distress could be worth a laugh on a bad day.

There’s a moment. He and Nico share a quick smirk.

He’s so handsome.

Link and Nico’s pagers go off, and Levi is saved from going too far down that rabbit hole.

“Another page from the ER,” Nico announces. He and Link stand up.

“The pit,” Levi corrects automatically. He stands too.

“The what?” Nico asks.

“We call the ER the pit,” Levi explains. “I’m not sure why, but we do. So call it that, and there’s one less opportunity for someone to correct you .”

There’s that smile again.

“Thanks.”

“We’ll see you in the OR with Anisha,” Link says.

Then they’re gone.

Then

It’s late on Saturday morning, and they’re still in bed. Levi imagines it’s a more rare occurrence for them than it is for most couples in their twenties.

“We never get to do this,” Levi sighs. Nico is propped up on the headboard, and Levi is propped up on Nico. Nico is doing that thing he does where he’s holds Levi’s hand and plays with his fingers.

“I’m sorry I’ve been so busy lately,” Nico says quietly. “We move in together, and you end up spending more nights alone than with me.”

Levi can’t help but grin. They live together. He loves Nico. Even better than that, he likesNico. He’s dating his best friend, and they’re in love, and they live together. It’s a nice apartment too. Nico doesn’t talk about it, but there’s obviously some family money available to him. He lets Levi split utilities with him but denied any attempts to contribute to the rent.

A year ago, Levi couldn’t have imagined being here. Being held by a hot guy in a bed that’s theirs. A bed where they have sex. Mind-blowingly good sex. And, yeah, maybe they don’t get these moments as much as he’d like, but he wouldn’t trade these few moments with Nico for a million of these moments with someone else.

“I’m busy too,” Levi says. It’s true. Their nights apart are as much his fault as they are Nico’s. Levi is notorious for pulling all-nighters at UCSF’s research library. He’s so exhausted sometimes he falls asleep on the couch waiting for Nico before dinnertime. “I like living together, whether we’re both always around or not. I like seeing your stuff and knowing your coming back eventually.”

Nico lets go of Levi’s hand in favor of squeezing him fondly around the middle.

“I like that too,” he says.

Levi twists to lock eyes with him over his shoulder. Moments like these typically lead to one thing. One mind-blowingly good thing.

Their lips touch.

Nico’s pager goes off.

“Noooo,” Levi groans. “It’s your day off!”

“Tell that to Link,” Nico says as he pulls the pager off his nightstand. “Ever since I told him I was interested in making ortho my specialty, he’s paged me for every case he considers even remotely interesting. Regardless of whether or not it’s my day off.”

Levi wants to be angry at Link, but he also knows how valuable it is to have an attending in your corner when it comes to getting a fellowship. Nico’s relationship with Link will hopefully ensure Nico gets to stay in San Francisco for the foreseeable future.

Not that he would dissuade Nico from going wherever he wants to go, but it would be nice if they could stay right here. In this very bed, even.

“Tell Link I’ll dump you if you go into the hospital. He likes us together. He wouldn’t want us to break up.”

“Please don’t give him another reason to think you’re too good for me.

“Oh I am sotoo good for you,” Levi teases.

“I think you really might be,” Nico says as he pulls on a t-shirt and pair of jeans that had been lying across a chair in the corner.

Levi slipped deeper into the bed and took a second to be thankful he wasn’t the one being called into work. Now that sex was off the table, a couple of more hours of sleep sounded like the next best thing.

Nico gets fully dressed, but he sits back down on the bed and slides his hand into Levi’s hair.

“Get some sleep. I’ll live vicariously through you while I’m gone.”

“Maybe it’ll be something really cool,” Levi says.

“Maybe,” Nico says. He gives Levi a kiss, removes his hand, and starts to leave.

“Wait! You’ll be back for dinner, right? I’ll make something.”

“I better be back,” Nico says. “Make that pasta thing!”

“Okay. But I’m just warning you that I don’t have your metabolism or your fitness regime. I’m going to get fat!” Levi raises his voice to make sure Nico hears him even as he’s leaving.

Levi hears him laughing before the front door shuts.

Now

Levi’s bad day kind of goes to shit after lunch. He drops a bowl in the OR because Nico somehow thinks it appropriate to wink at him. Levi was kind of staring at him to be fair.

Then, Anisha gets a serious infection. He somehow ends up doing surgery in a chamber of compressed air, which is not something they teach you about in medical school. It would be cool and futuristic if it weren’t triggering his claustrophobia.

Anisha dies, and Dr. Avery is having some sort of existential crisis. Which, relatable. What are the odds that his ex-boyfriend shows up at his hospital the same day that a love-seeking girl gets hit by a car driven by a professional matchmaker.

Levi doesn’t really want to unpack what all of this might mean in terms of fate, or the big picture, or whatever. Dr. Avery can’t seem to stop trying.

All this is to say he is relieved by the time he makes it to Joe’s. He could do without Jo bragging about her amazing new fellowship, but he’ll take it if it means Taryn is too preoccupied to revisit their talk at lunch.

He’s nodding along and acting happy for Jo when Nico slides up beside him. Nico hands him a beer, and Levi doesn’t have to check the label to know it’s his favorite.

“That for me?”

“You had rough day. Your patient died, you got stuck in a confined space, and your hot ex-boyfriend showed up again out of nowhere.”

“It was a pretty bad day,” Levi concedes. He takes a sip of the beer waits for Nico to fill the silence.

“Things will get better,” he says, and he taps his bottle against Levi’s.

“I should pay you back for my drink,” Levi says.

He goes to dig for his wallet. He’s reminded of their disastrous first date when he kept insisting on paying Nico back because he hadn’t even realized it was a date.

The pain of the memory is acute. It hurts intensely but briefly.

Nico’s already stepping back by the time he recovers.

“You’ll get the next one,” he says.

Right. The next one. Nico is here. In Seattle. Indefinitely.

Then

“I’m a 52 year old female. I’ve come to the ER complaining of vertigo lasting days at a time.”

“Have you had any changes in hearing?”

“Right ear feels stopped up, and I’m hearing an annoying buzzing sound constantly.”

“It’s textbook Meniere’s Disease. I’d just refer her to an ENT and save us all some money.”

Nico looks up from the case book he has propped on Levi’s legs. They’re on the couch. Nico’s sitting toward the end, and Levi’s sitting sideways with his feet in Nico’s lap. He doesn’t want to admit that his eyes are sliding shut every few seconds.

“Babe,” Nico laughs, “you’re exhausted. You’re over studying at this point. Don’t you think we’ve hit the time where sleep is more valuable than your notecards?”

“Easy for you to say. You’re an actual genius. I bet you never studied this hard for anything,” Levi comments. It’s easy to get frustrated with Nico sometimes when it comes to school. By all accounts, he flew through one of the top medical programs in the country without breaking a sweat or pulling a single all-nighter.

He always wants Levi to take a break, take a shower, eat something, or go to bed. He’s not the best at empathizing with all the work Levi feels he needs to do because he didn’t have to do nearly the same amount to get the same result.

That being said, the genius thing is kind of hot. It’s also very useful when Levi gets stuck on something he can’t understand.

“Well I’m going to bed,” Nico says. His look and his tone are suggestive.

Levi stays strong. He lifts his feet so Nico can stand.

“Good night. Love you.”

“Actually I think I’ll take a shower,” Nico says.

Levi knows better than to look up. He does it anyway.

Nico’s shirtless. He’s holding the waist of his sweatpants as if they may go next.

“You should,” Levi is pathetic enough that his mouth is a little dry. “I wasn’t going to say anything but you kind of stink.”

“Shower may not cut it in that case,” Nico says, unbothered. “Maybe I’ll take a bath.”

“You do that,” Levi says. He plants his gaze firmly on his notecards.

He’s not that surprised when Nico pulls the notecards out of his hands, throws him over his shoulder, and carries him to the bathroom.

Levi gets an A on his test. Nico tries not to be too smug about it.

Now

A few weeks pass, and Levi has managed to avoid Nico pretty effectively. He’s skating on thin ice though as he’s pretty much exhausted all of his favors and good will with his fellow residents. He can’t keep getting someone to switch with him when he’s assigned to ortho. He’s surprised Dr. Bailey hasn’t already scolded him for finessing his own schedule.

He’s even more surprised he hasn’t heard from Link.

“Levi.”

He’s barely gotten two feet through the front doors when his luck runs out.

“Dr. Lincoln,” Levi greets. Playing this casually seems like the right way to go.

“Meet me up in ortho once you’ve changed. You’re on my service today and don’t even think about sending someone else in your place.”

“Right. Yes. I will be there ASAP.” Damn it.

Levi wanders to the resident’s lounge and finds Taryn, Roy, and Casey getting ready for their shifts.

“I’m on neuro,” Taryn is saying as he walks in. “I like Shepard, but if I have to watch her put in one more shunt I’m going to scream.”

“Well I’m not switching,” Roy says. “I’ve barely been on general at all since our residencies started.”

“I’m on peds,” Casey says, “but you hate kids.”

Levi is changing into his scrubs and pointedly not contributing to the conversation.

“Levi,” Taryn addresses him. “What are you on? I know you have your thing about brains, but maybe we can work something out.”

“I’m on ortho.”

“Perfect! We’ll just switch!”

“We can’t,” Levi says. He’s digging through his cubby for his watch. He was sure he left it here yesterday. “Dr. Lincoln cornered me in the lobby. He knows I’ve been avoiding ortho, and he said I better show up today.”

“What’s with you and ortho anyway?” Roy asks. “Afraid of a couple of broken bones? Weak stomach can’t handle all the sawing?”

What’s with Roy and not being able to mind his own business?

“Something like that,” Levi says.

“Don’t act like you don’t actively avoid peds,” Casey says to Roy. “At least Levi is avoiding it because it’s not his favorite specialty. You avoid peds because Dr. Karev hates you.”

It’s a little harsh, but it gets Roy to shut up and leave.

“Now that he’s gone, wanna tell us why you’re really avoiding ortho?”

Levi knows the best lies utilize a little bit of the truth.

“I did my fourth year at San Francisco, so I know Dr. Lincoln a bit. We just don’t see eye to eye on some stuff, so being around him can be awkward.”

“He seems nice though,” Taryn offers. “He’s requested you like ten times since he got here, so he must like you a little bit.”

“His fellow is really nice, kind of quiet. At least he’ll be there to break the tension,” says Casey.

Levi just makes an affirmative noise. He’s relieved when he finally finds his watch and slides it on.

He doesn’t want to give Taryn or Casey the opportunity to ask any more questions, so he throws them a wave and books it to ortho.

He finds Link and Nico standing beside an empty nurses station scrolling through their respective tablets.

Levi’s not sure how to announce his presence without it being awkward, so he settles on walking up and reaching over the counter to grab a tablet of his own.

“Good morning, Schmitt,” Link says as if their terse exchange in the lobby had never happened. “Good to see you back in ortho.”

Nico just gives a close-lipped smile that Levi tries to return. He has a feeling his own was more akin to a grimace, but progress is progress.

“I’ve got a bilateral leg amputation today,” Link says. Levi is not exactly thrilled by that news. Amputations are a little grim, even if they are typically done to save a life.

“Sounds great,” Levi lies. “I can go look over the chart and meet you for rounds.”

He’s already turning away to find someplace else to go overlook Link’s patients for the day when he’s summoned back.

“Schmitt,” Link calls. “I said I  had a bilateral leg amputation. I think you saw enough of that in SF. Nico is flying solo today on a hip replacement. He’ll need you in there to assist. You think you can do that?”

Right. At least it’s only a two-hour surgery.

“I can do that,” Levi says.

“Great,” Link says. His smile says this is all going exactly to plan. “I’ll leave you two to talk it over.”

They’re alone now, and Levi is unsettled by how normal it feels to be alone with Nico. It shouldn’t be surprising though; they spent the better part of four years actively seeking out time alone together.

“Want to get some coffee?” Nico says. It’s not at all how Levi thought this conversation would start. He finds himself nodding anyway.

“There’s a machine in the fellow’s longue.”

“Sounds good,” Levi says.

“You know anywhere we can sit and talk?” A pause. “About the surgery.”

“There’s probably an open gurney in the ambulance bay.”

“I’m intrigued.”

“Let’s go make the coffee, and I’ll show you were the cool kids hang out.”

Nico makes the coffee, neither comment on the way he adds two creams and no sugar to Levi’s without having to ask. Levi leads the way to the ground floor and shows Nico the line of unoccupied hospital beds.

“This is where everyone hangs out? Why don’t you just sit in the resident’s lounge?”

“It’s like a Grey-Sloan tradition for interns and residents to sit here and bitch about everything going wrong in your life. I think Meredith Grey started it when she was an intern here.”

“Well if Meredith Grey did it,” Nico shrugs. He climbs up onto a bed, making sure not to spill his coffee in the process.

Levi watches him and thinks about how this is real. Nico is here at Grey-Sloan. He’s here and he’s being nice, and he’s willing to sit with Levi on a hospital bed in the middle of a drafty hallway.

He’s always been sweet.

It’s true. One thing consistently shocking about Nico was how consistently sweet he was. Levi was more of the hothead in the relationship. He was more prone to lashing out. Ranting and raving didn’t get him far in their arguments though. Nico was consistently even-keeled – frustratingly so toward the end.

So it really shouldn’t be so surprising that Nico is acting entirely unaffected by their reunification.

Levi takes a set on the same bed, but keeps social distance.

“So it’s really just a basic hip replacement. Sixty-year-old male with no prior health concerns. He’s just got a bum hip,” Nico  says.

“We came all the way down here to talk about a routine hip replacement?” Levi asks. It’s not accusatory, but it is a little wary.

“I think we both know Link didn’t put you with me because this case is particularly interesting,” Nico says. He’s turned his attention to his coffee cup. He’s methodically picking at the seam of the coffee collar.

It’s the only sign that he’s nearly as affected as Levi is.

“Link and subtlety have never exactly gone hand-in-hand.”

“We need to do this though,” Nico says. “We need to be able to work together. If we can do that after having a quick conversation, then it’s a conversation worth having.”

That’s fair.

“You’re right,” Levi takes a deep breath. “Sorry. I guess we could’ve gotten this over with weeks ago if I weren’t actively avoiding you.”

Nico takes the admission well, and he doesn’t comment on how Levi hasn’t been a master of subtlety lately either.

“Better now than never,” Nico says. Levi realizes the ball is in his court.

“I want to be able to work with you,” he says honestly. “It’s just taking some time to get used to you being here. Until a couple of weeks ago, I thought I had left San Francisco behind for good.”

It’s obvious that San Francisco is a nice way of saying Nico. Again with the lack of subtlety.

“I’m just shocked that you’re here,” Levi continues. “I’m being selfish though. It must’ve been a shock for you too, and you’re handling it much more gracefully than I am.”

Nico is still staring at his coffee cup, and he doesn’t look up as he finally responds.

“I knew you were here,” he admits.

“What?” Levi says. It sounds harsh, and maybe it should because what the fuck.

“I knew you were in Seattle, and I knew you were at Grey-Sloan. I knew before Link even got the job offer here.”

“How could you have possibly known? I didn’t tell any of our mutual friends. I purposefully left it off my list of recommendation letters I asked Link to write.”

“I asked your mom,” Nico says. He’s still avoiding eye contact.

“You asked my mom,” Levi hears his own disbelieving laugh. “You asked my mom, and she told you!”

“Yes,” Nico says. It’s sharp, and it’s the first time he’s looked at him since they started talking about the heavy stuff. “I asked your mom. It was humiliating, but I just needed to know where you ended up.”

“It wasn’t your place to know.”

“I know that. I know you didn’t want me to know. I just thought – ”

“You just thought you could steamroll past what I wanted to get what you want. This is exactly the kind of stuff –”

“Oh my God,” Nico groans. “Can we please skip the rehash of our breakup? We were both there. We don’t need a replay.”

Levi breathes in, breathes out. He takes a sip of his coffee. The coffee that Nico made just the way he likes only minutes ago. He used to think it was romantic, the way Nico knew how he took his coffee. It was a simple representation for how intimately they knew each other. Now it just feels like a reminder of how close they used to be and how not close they are now.

 It doesn’t make him mad though. It makes him sad. The truth is when Levi lets himself remember Nico he remembers him fondly. Their breakup was more of a fizzle than an explosion. They didn’t hurl angry words back and forth, they didn’t set out to hurt each other, and they loved each other enough to step away before it got ugly. Levi has always considered himself lucky Nico was his first love. Taryn talks about her first girlfriend like she was the devil incarnate. Levi has never felt that way about Nico, even when things were coming to an end.

“It’s your turn to say something now,” Nico says softly. “If you’re mad just say it, and we’ll go from there.”

“I’m not mad,” Levi says. He thought he was for a second there, but his reminiscing has calmed him a little. He remembers for all the reasons he and Nico didn’t work, Nico’s character was never one of them. He’s a good guy, and he does things for good reasons. “I’m curious about your reasoning, but I’m not mad.”

“I was having a hard time,” Nico says. “I thought it might give me some closure to know where you ended up.”

He always has a good reason.

“Okay,” Levi says. He’s willing to let it slide. He might bring it up to his mom later though.

“I’m sorry I barged into your life here,” Nico continues. “I wanted to respect your boundaries or your new lifeor whatever, but I have to go where Link goes. I couldn’t figure out a way to ask him to turn it down without sounding like a loser.”

“I understand,” Levi says. “I kind of wish you would’ve warned me though.”

“I thought I’d get to find you and talk to you on our own terms. I wasn’t expecting to run into you in the ER on the first day.”

Levi feels himself on the verge of falling into old habits. It’s hard not to. He’s always liked Nico like this. Vulnerable. Honest.

“I miss you.” It’s out there before Levi can stop it.

Nico seems to take it in for a moment.

“We were friends,” Nico says. “Before.” There’s a vague gesticulation that must mean before we fell into each other and then fell apart.

“Best friends,” Levi agress.

“We could be friends again. It’s not like we hate eachother.”

“No. We –”love each other, “definitely don’t hate each other.”

“Friends then,” Nico states.

“Friends.”

They shake on it. It aches, but it’s also a relief.

Then

“So have you thought about where you want to do your fourth year rotations?” Nico asks. He says it casually, and Levi isn’t sure if it’s genuine or faked. He’s not sure which he would prefer. “UCSF has relationships with a lot of great hospitals. You’ll have your pick.”

“I haven’t thought about it that much,” Levi says. The speed of his reply kind of ruins any chance he had at playing this off casually. Levi wonders why they even have to be casual about this conversation. They love each other. They live together. Surely this is a fairly serious conversation.

“Don’t you need to start? I thought you had to decide in like two weeks.” Nico is amused, and he’s doing that unflappable routine where he waits for Levi to show his cards before showing his own.

“Maybe I’ve started a little bit,” Levi says. “I applied to pretty much all of the west coast ones. I’m just waiting on them to get back to me.”

They’re eating in the UCSF Hospital cafeteria. The food is fine, and it’s their best bet for getting to spend at least thirty minutes together during a workday.

Nico has been a little distracted during this meal though. He’s glanced toward the cafeteria entrance a handful of times, and he just did it again.

“If you have a patient or labs or something, you can go,” Levi offers. Levi thinks he does well to not hold Nico’s hectic schedule against him. He thinks part of his patience comes with knowing he’ll lead a similar lifestyle sooner rather than later.

“It’s not that,” Nico says. He’s turned his full attention back to Levi. He even reaches over and brushes his fingers against the back of Levi’s hand. It’s as demonstrative as Nico gets at his place of work. “Link was going to come by and say hey. I guess he got held up.”

“Oh,” Levi says. “No big deal. I’ll catch him next time.”

“Definitely,” Nico says, but he still looks a little perturbed.

He doesn’t need to be though because only seconds later, they spot Link heading their way.

“Hey!” Link grabs the empty seat at their table.

“Dr. Lincoln,” Levi greets.

“You can call me Link,” Link insists. “Even Nico calls me Link, and I’m his boss.”

It’s a fair point, but Levi still has a hard time being that familiar with an attending physician while he’s still in medical school.

Nico hasn’t said anything, and he’s looking at Link expectantly.

“Anyways,” Link says. “I came by for a reason. Levi, we want you to do your fourth year rotations here. We as in the hospital, not we as in Nico and me. Although that’s still true.”

“Are you offering me a spot?” Levi asks. Nico’s comment from earlier makes a lot more sense now.

“The hospital is offering you the spot, but I just thought I could be the one to tell you.”

Levi looks over at Nico. He’s not giving anything away in his expression, but he is picking at the label on his bottled water. He’s nervous.

Levi has to acknowledge there was never really going to be another choice if UCSF was willing to have him. He’s not ready to give this up.

“I’ll take it,” he says.

Nico grins.

Now

Clearing the air with Nico has provided massive amounts of relief. Levi is a little peeved with himself for not just biting the bullet weeks ago.

A couple of weeks pass again, and Levi is glad to not have to avoid ortho anymore. He thinks his complicated past with ortho has been keeping him from realizing how much he actually likes it. He still has a few of years before he has to specialize, but it’s nice to know there’s at least one specialty that’s piqued his interest.

So, he finds himself spending more time on ortho than any other service. It’s only partly his fault. Link has been disproportionately requesting him. Link has apparently told some other residents it’s because he knows Levi and knows he can trust him with his patients. It still leads to some tense moments between Levi and his other residents. Still, Levi can’t help but be a little pleased that he’s somebody’s favorite resident. Casey has Pierce, and Taryn seems to have Grey most days. It’s nice to feel wanted.

The truth is, now that he and Nico have decided to let bygones be bygones, working in ortho is fun. Being around Nico seems to have brought back the confidence that he lost during his internship year at Grey-Sloan. The difference is apparent to others, not just him. Even Jo Karev had complemented his apparent new mojo.

He’s telling Nico as much as they sit eating lunch in the cafeteria. That’s something they do now.

“It’s crazy. She’s never willingly given me a complement in her life,” Levi says. He’s struggling to open his pudding from the commissary while he says it, so some things haven’t changed.

Nico reaches over and takes the pudding cup from him. He opens it with a flick of his wrist.

“I find that hard to believe,” Nico says.

“You don’t understand,” Levi says. “You don’t know what I was like when I was an intern. I was a totalmess. I’m not even sure how I’m still here. I dropped my glasses intoa patient. I passed out in the OR more than once. I knocked over the Karevs wedding cake, and I wasn’t even invited to the wedding.”

Nico is obviously trying to act less surprised than he feels.

“Well that last thing had nothing to do with your internship,” he says.

“My point is you only know this new me.”

Nico raises an eyebrow.

“Okay I worded that poorly. You know the old me, obviously. You didn’t know the version of me that used to show up to Grey-Sloan. You’ve only seen this new, collected me.”

“So what changed?” Nico asks.

“I think it’s you,” Levi says honestly. He’s decided the only way to reestablish this new friendship with Nico is to go back to what worked for them before. Honesty had kind of been their thing.

Nico presses his lips together, “I think it’s you. You’re good at this Levi. You’re especially good at it when you let yourself believe you’re good at it.”

Levi melts a little. He wonders if his love language is words of affirmation.

He’s about to make some comment to change the topic. They’re getting too close to something they shouldn’t touch. He’s distracted though because Nico’s eyes have locked in on Levi’s hand as it reaches for his water bottle.

“What?” Levi says.

“You still wear the watch.”

“It’s a nice watch,” Levi shrugs.

The conversation moves on.

Then

“It’s my first day,” Levi says. It’s early and he’s on the phone with Nico, who spent the night in an on-call room at the hospital.

“I’m sorry I’m not there,” Nico says. “I was going to make you breakfast, you know? Do the whole boyfriend thing. Maybe even pack you a lunch.”

“You’re sweet,” Levi says. He’s rummaging around their bedroom trying to find his watch. He’s starting to wonder if it fell off somewhere on campus. He hasn’t seen it in days, and Nico hasn’t seen it either.

It’s not a huge loss. It’s just a ratty digital watch he’s had since undergrad, but it’s handy for vitals. It will be annoying to go without it today.

“-as good as yours.”

Levi’s attention snaps back to the phone in his hand.

“I’m so sorry,” he says. “I completely missed whatever you just said.”

“I could hear you rummaging around. What’d you lose this time?”

Its not mean spirited, but it is a fair question. Levi is not known for his orderliness.

“I’m still looking for my watch. Are you sure you haven’t seen it anywhere?”

“Oh! I forgot to tell you. I found it the other day when I was cleaning the bathroom. It had fallen between the vanity and the trashcan.”

“Today is my lucky day,” Levi says. “Where did you put it?”

“I think I put it in the first drawer of the vanity. I’ve got to go in a minute, but check and make sure it’s there while I’m on the line.”

Levi wanders into the bathroom and pulls open the drawer. His watch isn’t in there, but there is a Garmin box.

“Nico,” Levi says warningly.

“Open it before you get mad,” Nico laughs.

Levi opens it. It’s a new watch. It’s nice. Leather band, one of those faces that digital and analog. Expensive.

“I can’t accept this. You can’t just spend this kind of money one me.”

“I kind of can though,” Nico says. It’s my money, and you’re my boyfriend, and your last watch was horrible.”

“Horrible is a strong –”

“Your professional career starts today, Levi. Looking the part is half the battle.”

“I think the scrubs make me look the part,” Levi says. Even so, he’s already pulling the watch out of the box.

“I love you, Levi. Take the gift.”

Levi slips the watch on. It looks good, and he can admit it’ll be nice to have a reminder of Nico on his person.

“It looks a lot like yours,” Levi says suspiciously.

“Mines black. Yours is brown.”

“You got us matching watches.”

“They aren’t matching. Shouldn’t you be getting ready? You’re going to be late on your first day.

Levi grins, “You got us matching watches.”

 Now

Levi is at Joe’s with some other residents. They’re blowing off steam from an exhausting day in the pit. A school bus crash injured dozens of children making it a hard day professionally and emotionally. Levi still wasn’t sure his patient was going to make it through the night.

It was a hard day, and he’s a little drunk. He’s tipsy. He’s in the middle of recounting the time he slipped in a patient’s puke, puked, and then slipped in his own puke.

His fellow residents are eating it up, even though half of them were in the pit when it happened. It was less funny then. He was mortified, but he’s found being the funny resident is better than being the unlucky intern.

Anyways, he’s gesticulating wildly – egged on by the reactions of his peers – when his beer-holding hand flings back and connects with something solid.

He looks over his shoulder. Correction: someone solid.

“Careful, babe,” Nico says.

The bar freezes. It doesn’t, but Levi feels like it does. In reality, it’s so loud he’s not sure if anyone at his table noticed the slip.

Nico noticed though.

“I’m sorry I –”

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it,” Levi interjects. “I’m sorry I just doused you in luke-warm beer.”

“It was my fault, really,” Nico argues. “I should’ve known to give you a wide berth when you’re that into a story.”

“Well let me at least buy you a drink,” Levi says. “I do owe you one.”

“Yeah. Okay. Sounds good.”

“Do you want to sit?” Levi says as he stands. “You can have my seat. I’ll pull another over on my way back.”

“I’m actually meeting up with Link,” Nico gestures over to the far corner of the bar where Link and DeLuca are sharing a table.

“Oh. I can just go get the drink and bring it over to you.”

“No. I’ll come to the bar,” Nico says.

They walk over to the bar, and Levi orders two of what they kept stocked in their San Francisco fridge.

When they’re handed the beers, Levi isn’t sure what to do. He’s gotten into a rhythm with Nico in the hospital, but casual settings are still difficult.

“Cheers,” he says and taps his beer against the one Nico is holding. He instantly feels like the lamest guy in the room.

“Cheers,” Nico entertains his gesture by taking a sip of his drink.

“Have fun with Link and DeLuca.”

“I’ll do my best,” Nico says. “I’m not really sure how I feel about DeLuca yet.”

“He can be intense, but I think he’s a nice guy.”

“Huh. Well I value your good opinion.”

“See you tomorrow?” Levi asks. It’s less awkward than a goodbye, but equally effective in getting them out of this stilted conversation.

“Totally.”

They separate and walk to their respective tables.

Levi is only seated for a second when he realizes his table has cleared out a bit.

“Where did everyone go?”

“Lightweight losers worried about being hung over for their shifts tomorrow,” Taryn says. Casey nods solemnly. They’re pretty drunk.

“But don’t try to change the subject!” Casey exclaims.

“What subject? I just sat down!”

“You and Bones!”

“Me and who?”

“Dr. Bones? The fellow? What was that with you two? You spill your drink, he calls you babe, and then you buy him a new drink?” Tayrn fires the questions without pause. Maybe she’s not as drunk as Levi thought.

“He didn’t call me babe,” Levi hopes his nervous laughter passes as disbelief.

“He kind of did,” Casey corrects. “He did, and you said it was fine. It’s only fine if you’re fucking.”

“We’re your best friends,” Tayrn says. “We deserve to know if you’re fucking the hot new fellow.”

Levi has a couple of options here. A complete denial may not work because it doesn’t really explain away the babe thing. It would take hours and a magnitude of mental energy to explain the truth, so that’s out. Somewhere in the middle seems to be his safest bet.

“We’re not fucking,” Levi says. “Or we aren’t anymore.”

“I knew it!” Taryn yells. Levi is mortified Nico might’ve heard her, but there’s also no way for Nico to know what she’s referring to even if he did.

“You still weren’t right,” Levi says.

“We were partially right,” Casey says. He sounds legitimately proud. “So it was just a short tryst? He’s only been here like 4 weeks.”

“It didn’t happen here,” Levi says. See? He’s being a little honest. “It happened when we knew each other in San Francisco.”

“So you were like friends with benefits?” Taryn asks.

“We –” were in love, lived together, had a nearly four-year relationship“–dated.”

“You dated him?”

“Taryn,” Casey hisses.

“Sorry, sorry,” Taryn says. “I heard it. I did. It was mean. I take it back.”

“It’s not like I don’t understand why you said it,” Levi says. “I thought it plenty of times. Anyways, we were together and now we’re not. That’s all I really want to say about it.”

“So this is why you were avoiding ortho,” Casey says.

“It was,” Levi confirms. “We’re okay now though. We’re friendly or whatever. The babe thing was just a slip. He didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Break up couldn’t have been that bad if you can still be friends,” Taryn says. It’s a leading statement, and Levi wishes he had the type of friends who left well enough alone. These ideal friends probably couldn’t be surgeons though.

“It was hard,” Levi says. Hard barely scratches the surface, but it’s a good enough word. “It’s in the past though, and we’ve agreed we should leave it there. I’m trying to be an adult, you know? I’m trying to be mature about this. Our attendings have practically turned dating into a game of musical chairs. If they can all work together, so can Nico and I.”

“Just let us know if we need to like glare at him in the hallway or like push him around or something.”

Levi laughs.

Then

“So then I suggested it might be a stroke causing the facial weakness, but something autoimmune like myasthenia gravis. Dr. Nyugen actually listened to me and told his attending! They ordered a blood panel, and they think I was right! Well, they think Dr. Nyugen was right. He totally took credit for it, but that’s fine because for the first time I felt like a doctor,” Levi recounts his day hurriedly. It’s the same way he tells Nico about anything he finds exciting.  

“That’s amazing, babe,” Nico says. It’s a little absent though, and he doesn’t look up from his computer.

“Pay attention to me when I talk to you,” Levi says playfully. He hits Nico lightly with one of the pillows they’d discarded before getting in bed. “Also don’t we have a no-computers-in-bed rule?”

Nico shuts his laptop and slips down further into the bed. He grabs Levi and pulls him down with him, so they’re lying on their sides facing each other.

“You correctly diagnosed a patient with a rare autoimmune disease. You felt like a doctor,” Nico says. He has a small smile, but whether it’s from the story or from proving he was listening is unclear. “I’m sorry about the computer. This residency hunt is consuming my life. Every time I start focusing on something else, I end up on some random hospitals website wading through the options.”

“I still don’t understand why you’re even looking anywhere other than San Francisco,” Levi says quietly. He reaches up to rub Nico’s arm. “Link is your mentor. There’s no way he’s going to pick another fellow if you just tell him you want to stay.”

“I know,” Nico sighs. He rolls over onto his back and stares at the ceiling. “I think I’m psyched out from that lunch I had with some of my old classmates. Everyone was talking about all the amazing places they were considering, and I was just sitting there silently because I had only been considering one place.”

“If you think you’re supposed to be in San Francisco then that’s where you should be. It’s not like you’re choosing to stay at some podunk clinic in the middle of nowhere. You’re at a top ten surgical program in the country working under one of the best orthopedic surgeons in the country. It also doesn’t hurt that said orthopedic surgeon already thinks of you as his little ortho baby.”

“I hate when you call me that,” Nico says, but it’s obvious he appreciates the comedic relief.

Levi migrates over to rest his head on Nico’s shoulder. One of Nico’s hands has settled in his hair. They lie there for a while.

A gentle tug on his hair pulls them out of their silence.

“I’m not the only one with a choice to make. Your matching process starts in like a month. Then you’ll be the one brining a laptop to bed.”

Nico doesn’t take it a step further and ask if Levi’s thought about where he’d like to go.

Levi wouldn’t know how to answer even if he did. The thing is there’s a system to ensure married couples seeking residencies can get spots at the same hospital. It’s called couples matching. It doesn’t apply to serious boyfriends who are seeking one surgical residency and one orthopedic surgery fellowship.

It’s not going to be that simple.

Now

Things are good between Levi and Nico until they aren’t.

Levi is on Link’s service, and he’s on rounds with Nico when it starts. Levi is presenting on the patient, Jack. He’s thirty and he has a seriously messed up knee. The primary problem seems to be a meniscus tear he got from a nasty fall during a camping trip.

Levi isn’t interested in dating patients, but he also isn’t blind. Jack is a conventionally attractive guy. He’s settled into the rugged but handsome thing pretty well. He has well-managed beard and the muscles of a guy that appreciates all the hiking trails Seattle has to offer.

He’s cute is the thing, and he’s openly appreciating Levi. That’s right. A cute guy is flirting with Levi when Nico and Link are in the same room. It’s an unprecedented occurrence, and Levi’s bumbling replies are proof of his lack of experience in this area.

“So Dr. Kim and I are going to open up your knee and remove the portion of the meniscus that is torn. Hopefully that’ll relieve that pain your experiencing. Like we’ve discussed, you’re a fit guy. You should breeze through recovery as long as you keep up with the physical therapy we assign.”

“Do you agree, Dr. Schmitt?” Jack asks. IIt might be the first time someone has referred to him as Dr. Schmitt in a non-patronizing way.

“Um,” Levi isn’t sure what to say. It’s not really his place to defend Link’s surgical choices to the patient. Link seems to be allowing him the time to respond though, so he decides to go for it. “Dr. Lincoln is the best orthopedic surgeon you’ll find. Removing the tear is definitely your best option, and he’ll do it the least invasive way possible.”

“And the part about me being fit? What do you think about that?”

Levi’s cheeks heat up, and he freezes before he can think of some way to reply professionally.

“Dr. Schmitt will prep you for surgery. I’ll see you in the OR.”

Thank God for Link.

“Sounds good to me,” Jack says. His smile hasn’t faltered, and Levi isn’t sure if it’s charming or smarmy.

Nico has been silent for the entire conversation, and before Levi can look and assess how he’s felling he and Link are already gone.

Jack flirted pretty openly while Levi helped prep him for surgery, but he thought for sure he would cut it out once Link and Nico were back.

He thought wrong.

They’re wheeling Jack to the OR, and he’s made a few less-than-subtle comments about Levi.

“I could die in this surgery, right?” Jack says.

“That’s highly unlikely,” Nico says. He sounds a little disappointed.

“But it could happen.”

“Anything could happen,” Levi says. It’s a mistake.

“Anything like you agreeing to go out with me once me knee is back in working order?”

“I don’t date patients,” Levi says. He’s working hard on looking forward. Making eye contact with Nico or Link right now would be excruciating.

“So you would date me if I weren’t a patient.”

“I didn’t say that,” Levi says.

“I won’t be a patient once my knee is all fixed up, so it won’t be a problem.”

“This is really not the time or the place – “ Levi feels himself flushing. He’s seen patients do this. He watched a patient did this to Link last week. It still feels mortifying.

“Come on, I might die in there. At least tell me you’ll think about it.”

“I’ll think about it,” Levi says quickly and quietly.

Jack finally drops it. They let the techs take him into the OR and head to the scrub room.

“Was that the right thing to do?” Levi asks as they all scrub their hands and arms. “I’ve just read that you shouldn’t give patients bad news right before surgery. It increases the chance of a bad outcome, right?”

“You handled it the best you could, Schmitt,” Link reassures. “He didn’t seem like the type that was willing to let it go.”

“He might be a little peeved when you turn him down later though,” Nico says.

Levi can’t pinpoint exactly why it makes him mad. Maybe it’s just how confidently Nico has assumed Levi is uninterested. Maybe it’s that being flirted with for the first time in a long time had Levi feeling kind of good about himself. Maybe it’s that Nico is right and that just confirms he still knows Levi a little too well.

“Maybe I won’t turn him down,” Levi says lightly.

“Really.”

Levi ignores the little thrill that runs through him at the thought of Nico being jealous. He knows he needs to squash feelings like that.

“Really,” Levi says.

It’s been established Jack is cute. Levi hasn’t been on a date in a year. It might be nice to put his toes back in the water, even if it is with a guy who isn’t exactly his type.

“If you guys are done, I think we’ll go ahead and get started,” Link says. He heads into the OR. Levi and Nico follow.

The surgery goes well. The tense moment in the scrub room is left behind, and Levi even gets to help remove the meniscus. Nico and Link take up most of the talking time discussing Link’s thwarted attempts to get a date with Meredith Grey. It’s not something the navy scrub crew would usually discuss in front of a resident, but Levi obviously isn’t just any resident in Link’s eyes.

“So what do you think, Levi?” Link asks.

“I think you should try again. If you really like her and think it could be something, it’s worth giving it another shot.”

“So you think Link should push the issue even though she’s given him more than one hint that it isn’t going to work,” Nico says.

Levi looks up to make eye contact with Nico, but his eyes remain steadily on the patient’s knee.

“I don’t think it’s ‘pushing the issue’ necessarily,” Levi says. “Dr. Grey isgreat, but she’s a little guarded. Maybe it just takes a little effort to makeit work.”

“And what would you know about making it work?” Nico asks.

The regular beeping of the EKG machine fills the new silence. Levi counts off ten beats before he manages to reply.

“We made it work for four years, Nico,” he says. “That’s not nothing.”

“You good to close up?” Nico’s question is directed at Link. “I think we’re done here.”

As he’s speaking he’s handing off his instruments to the scrub nurse.

Link is obviously feeling responsible for this change in mood.

“Yeah Schmitt and I should be good from here,” he says.

Nico nods and leaves to scrub out.

“I’m sorry,” Levi says. “I shouldn’t have – I thought we were past all of that.”

“You might be,” Link says easily. “You know Nico. He processes everything internally. It’s hard to know exactly how he’s feeling.

“I used to be able to look at him and know,” Levi says.

“I’ve seen him pretty much every day for the last year, and I don’t even know where he is in the whole break up process. You can’t beat yourself up for not knowing either.”

Levi isn’t sure what to say to that, so they close in silence.

Then

They’re at the park near their apartment enjoying a rare sunny San Francisco day. They’ve been busy lately –Levi with filling out residency applications and Nico with actually practicing medicine.

They’re walking at an easy pace, joined hands swinging casually between them. Nico has the strap of their cooler over his shoulder. It’s holding their lunch. Levi’s is wearing a backpack with a blanket and two water bottles inside.

They haven’t done lunch in the park in a while – maybe not since their first year of dating. It was actually Nico’s idea to do it today. It makes sense. Nico grew up in Southern California. He gets excited about the idea of a day in the sun. Levi grew up in Seattle, so the cloudy weather for weeks on end doesn’t bother him nearly as much.

Nico is the first to veer off of the walking trail and head toward a free area of grass. He helps Levi spread out the blanket and unpack the cooler.

Levi bites into his BLT and groans.

“I wish you loved me as much as you love that sandwich,” Nico says.

Levi swallows. “That’s not fair. I love you at least equally. I might even love you a little more considering you made the sandwich.”

“Is that all I’m good for?” Nico laughs.

Levi sets his sandwich down and grabs Nico’s shoulder to pull him closer.

“It’s definitely not allyou’re good for,” he says suggestively. He tugs Nico over until their kissing, and Levi loses himself for a minute. Luckily, or unluckily, Nico seems to have kept his head about him. He pushes Levi away with a firm hand on his chest before things get a little too friendly for the local park.

“So sandwiches and sex then,” Nico says.

“Sandwiches and sex,” Levi nods.

“Link and the chief of surgery went over the details of my fellowship contract with me yesterday,” Nico says once they’re back to eating their lunch.

“That’s great! Do you like the deal?”

“I do,” Nico says. “There’s some stuff we should probably talk about before I accept it though.”

“Like?”

“Like,” Nico drags it out. “how they really want me to stay.”

“I thought we already knew that,” Levi says.

“We knew Link felt that way. I haven’t really spoken to Dr. Howard about it outside of my interview. She pulled out my peer reviews and patient reviews in the meeting today and talked about how impressed she was. She was pretty clear she’s willing to do what it takes to get me to stay at UCSF.”

“You’re being weird,” Levi observes. “Did she like offer something inappropriate?”

“No” Levi laughs. “She’s married, and she knows I have you.”

“The chief of surgery knows about me,” Levi says.

“Yeah,” Nico says. “I had to sign a thing declaring our relationship when you started your rotations. I talked about you a lot before that though.”

“You like me,” Levi smiles.

“So what if I do?”

“We’re off topic now though,” Levi says. “What did she offer you?”

“It’s not so much what she offered me, but what she offered you.”

“Me?”

“I think Link has hinted to her that I’m willing to go where you go next year.”

“Huh.”

“She’s offering you a spot in the surgical residency program, so we can stay at the same place.”

“Wow,” Levi says weakly. His heart is pounding, and he doesn’t feel the elation he should feel when presented with an opportunity like this one. Instead, he feels a little sick. “That’s really, um, generous of her.”

“Right?” Nico says. He hasn’t noticed Levi’s current state. “I know we haven’t really talked about it, but isn’t this what we were hoping for? It’s a chance to actually be in the same city for the foreseeable future. And you like it here, right? You’ve enjoyed your rotations?”

“No, yeah. It’s been good,” Levi says. “I just thought – ”

“And this means you can skip the whole matching process. All of that stress is gone now,” Nico continues.

Levi is overwhelmed, and he’s confused about why he’s overwhelmed. Yesterday he would’ve been thrilled to know he and Nico were both staying in San Francisco. But now, with Nico speaking about it like it’s a done deal that he wasn’t even a part of, he feels like he might be sick.

Nico seems so relieved and excited. This is what Levi has been waiting for. Here’s Nico giving every reassurance that he wants them to still be together this time next year – that he’s factoring Levi in long-term. This type of admission from Nico is usually enough to keep him smiling for a week.

This is the closest Nico has ever come to saying they’re forever.

So why does Levi feel the rug has just been yanked out from under him?

Now

He finds Nico in an on-call room. He asked the nurses – the de facto eyes and ears of the hospital – under the guise that he needed to speak with him about a patient. Nico is lying on the bottom of a bunk bed, and the room is blessedly unoccupied otherwise.

He’s not asleep. It’d be weird if he was as it’s only mid afternoon. He’s scrolling mindlessly though his phone even as it becomes obvious Levi has joined him.

“So that was bad,” Levi opens.

“Yep,” Nico says. He still doesn’t look up from his phone.

“Any suggestions on how we can avoid moments like that in the future?” Levi is leaning against the door with his arms folded over his chest.

“I don’t know,” Nico begins. It’s sarcastic, and it’s a little mean. “Maybe don’t openly flirt with other guys in front of me?”

“I wasn’t flirting with him!” Levi defends. “He was flirting with me!”

Nico is silent. Silence won’t get them anywhere.

“So what if I was flirting?” Levi continues. “We’re not together anymore. I can flirt with patients if I want.”

Nico finally looks up from his phone. Levi had been aiming for a reaction, purposefully trying to evoke one.

This eye contact with Nico doesn’t make him feel victorious. It makes him feel horrible.

“I know that,” Nico says softly. “Doesn’t mean you have to do it in front of me.”

The thing is after they were over Levi deleted Nico from every form of social media. It wasn’t out of anger, and it wasn’t because it’s an unwritten post-breakup rule in the 21^stcentury. It was because he wasn’t kidding himself with any delusions that Nico would spend the rest of his life pining for him. Nico is hot. He’s hot, he’s sweet, and he’s a doctor. He checks the boxes for pretty much every single gay guy on the West Coast. Levi unfollowed him because he was sure Nico would have a new guy to post about in no time.

Well you know what they say about assumptions.

“I’m sorry,” Levi says. There’s still a part of him thinking he hasn’t done anything explicitly wrong, but he also knows that deliberately hurting Nico’s feelings is worth an apology.

“Whatever,” Nico sighs.

Levi thinks the conversation is over. Nico’s already said more than he ever expected him to. He goes to open the door.

“It would just be nice if you could appreciate that this is hard for me too.”

Not over then.

“Okay,” Levi says, but there’s a question there.

“When we talked in the ambulance bay, I acknowledged this is hard for you. I’ve tried to respect that. I’ve tried not to force my presence on you, and I’ve tried to be your friend.”

“I know. I know you’re trying. I’m –”

“I thought you’d come back,” Nico admits. Even so, he’s still lying on the bed staring at the bunk above him. “After we ended things, I thought you’d come back.”

Levi feels his throat tighten up.

“It’s stupid. I know it’s stupid. You were very clear.”

Levi feels the familiar burn of oncoming tears.

“And then when I found out I was moving to Seattle, I convinced myself you might be happy to see me.”

“I – ”

Nico continues as if he hadn’t tried to interrupt, “It’s obvious you’re not though. I’ve invaded your life here, and you’ve been nice enough to not say it to my face. I can’t keep trying to be friends with you. Not when it makes me think there could be more again some day. It makes it that much worse to stand back and watch you make dates with patients.”

“Nico,” Levi says desperately. “I would never – If I knew –”

“Don’t apologize,” Nico says. “This is on me.”

Levi feels frozen. He’s not sure what the right move is here.

“I can’t keep doing the friends thing – the lunches, trading drinks at Joe’s. It’s too much for me. It’s too close to what we had before.”

“Okay,” Levi says, but everything in him is telling him it’s not okay.

“We can work together,” Nico says. “I can do that, but that has to be it.”

“Okay.”

“I never say how I feel, right? I’m trying to be better about that, so this is how I feel.”

“Well if it’s how you feel,” Levi says helplessly.

He waits second before he opens the door. He’s almost desperate for Nico to say something, to take it back.

He doesn’t though, so Levi leaves.

Then

“It looks like we’ll both have a couple of weeks off before I start my fellowship and you start your residency,” Nico says.

He’s putting away the leftovers from the spaghetti Bolognese they had for dinner. Nico is a good cook when he allows himself the time, and Levi is on the receiving end of some delicious dinners because of it.

“Huh,” Levi responds absently.

“What if we take a vacation? Get out of San Francisco for a few days. You can pick the place.”

“You should pick,” Levi says. He feels a familiar ache in the bottom of his stomach. He’s spent the better part of two weeks trying to ignore it. “I don’t know much about travel destinations.”

“We can pick together,” Nico says simply. He looks Levi over. “You look exhausted, babe. This is like the fourth day in a row where I thought you were going to fall asleep during dinner.”

Levi doesn’t want to explain his newfound anxieties have been keeping him up all night.

“It’s been a busy week at the hospital,” he says instead.

“Why don’t you go get ready for bed?” Nico suggests. “Go get changed, and I’ll pick a movie or something. I’ll even let you cuddle me on the couch.”

Levi agrees, and he barely makes it to the bathroom before tears are rolling down his cheeks.

He takes a minute to collect himself and washes his face to hide the signs he was just having a breakdown in the bathroom. He goes to the bedroom and changes into some sweatpants and a t-shirt. He puts his watch on the nightstand.

He doesn’t mean to, but he finds himself sitting on the edge of the bed staring at the watch. He’s not sure how long he sits there, but it’s too long judging by the footsteps coming down the hall.

“What is this?” Nico asks. His voice is level, but even without turning around Levi knows he’s angry.

He turns and looks, and it’s worse than he assumed.

Nico is holding Levi’s laptop, and the web browser is open on Levi’s residency application for Columbia.

Levi opens his mouth, but he closes it without saying anything.

“You’re still applying to other residencies?”

“What are you doing on my laptop?”

It’s the wrong thing to say. He’s choosing the wrong moment to be combative. He knows that.

“I left my laptop at the hospital. I thought maybe you’d rather get in bed and watch a move on the here.” Nico pauses. “I didn’t realize you had anything to hide.”

“You can’t just expect me to take this UCSF thing as a done deal! They haven’t even contacted me,” Levi tries to explain.

“Maybe I can’t,” Nico says. “But I can expect you to be honest with me. You said you wanted the residency here. Was that a lie?”

“It wasn’t a lie,” Levi says. It really wasn’t a lie. He wanted it – he did. There’s just no way to explain away the crippling sensation telling him it’s a mistake. “I’m just not one-hundred percent sure about it.”

“That’s great,” Nico says. His tone says it’s anything but. “That’s fucking awesome.”

“You’re not being fair! You sprung this residency on me out of nowhere and barely gave me time to breathe before you started planning celebratory vacations!”

“I’m sorry that I was excited for an opportunity for us to live in the same city! We have a life here, Levi! I’m sorry I was trying to celebrate us keeping it!”

“You have a life here, Nico.” Levi feels surprisingly calm. He’s not sure where that statement came from, but he knows he’s finally touched on what has been keeping him up every night for the past two weeks.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Nico isn’t yelling anymore. He’s still obviously angered.

“It means San Francisco is about you. You want us to keep living in your apartment and keep working at your hospital and keep living in your city.”

“You encouraged me to stay here,” Nico says bitingly. “You said I would be crazy to give up the relationship I’ve built with Link! So what? You wanted me to stay here, and you wanted you to move all the way across the country?”

“No! I don’t want to move all the way across the country,” Levi says. He’s getting choked up now. They’ve fought before, but it’s never been like this. Nico’s never talked to him like this before.

Nico isn’t saying anything now though. He’s just looking at Levi like he’s waiting for him to explain himself.

“I don’t want to move all the way across the country,” Levi repeats. “I don’t, but sometimes I feel like I need to.”

“Why?” Nico says, and Levi realizes he’s choked up too.

 “I don’t know,” Levi says honestly. “I think I’m afraid that I don’t know who I am when I’m not with you.”

“I don’t understand,” Nico says. “We’re happy. Link makes fun of me about how happy we are. We’re happy together. How can that be a bad thing?”

“It’s not,” Levi says. “I need more than just happiness though. I need to know that I’m worth something. I need to know that I can stand on my own without you. Can’t you see how humiliating it is to take a residency that was only offered to me because they want you?”

“This is what hospitals do, Levi. They do it for married couples all the time!”

“We’re not married, Nico,” Levi says.

“We could be,” Nico counters.

“Are you kidding me right now? Read the room, Nico! This is not the time for an off-the-cuff proposal!”

“It’s not off-the-cuff! I think about the future, Levi. I want you in mine. If you’re worried about all of this because we’re not married, I’m saying you don’t have to worry about that. We could be married!”

“We could be trapeze artists or zookeepers! We could be anything. You have to want to be married, Nico! You have to want to build a life together It’s not something you just decide to do on a whim to end an argument.”

“And you don’t want to build a life with me,” Nico says. He sounds resigned now, and he takes a seat a few feet away from Levi on the bed.

“It’s not that,” Levi says softly. “I have wanted you since the first time I saw you, and that hasn’t gone away. This is just something I need to do for myself. I need to do my residency someplace that values me, not that values you.”

Levi is crying now, and Nico scoots closer to him. His hand comes to rest on Levi’s thigh.

“Okay,” Nico says. “Well it’s a little too late for me to go back on my word and leave Link in the lurch. My fellowship is only two years. You can go where you want to go, and I can follow you after that.”

“You love San Francisco.”

“I love you,” Nico says. “We can do long distance. We can make it work.”

Levi is silent for a beat too long.

“Except you’ve already decided we can’t,” Nico frowns.

“I’ve been making myself small my whole life.” Levi says. “I spent all of high school keeping to myself so no one knew how big of a nerd I was. I spent all of medical school keeping my grades to myself so know one thought I was smarter than them. I stayed in the closet the entire time I lived at home because I knew coming out would make my mom uncomfortable. I can’t do it anymore. I need to be big – or like at least normal-people-sized.”

The explanation fell off toward the end, but Levi hopes his point came across anyway.

“I didn’t tell you about the UCSF offer to make you feel small,” Nico says. He sounds upset Levi would think that was the case.

“I know you didn’t,” Levi says. “But it’s how I feel anyway.”

“And there’s nothing I can do to convince you to stay.”

“I want you,” Levi says again. “But I need this.”

They fall apart quicker than they fell together. The few conversations they have after Levi calls it off are over the phone.

Nico insists on staying at Link’s place until Levi gets his stuff out of their apartment. He turns down Levi’s offers to go through stuff together. They’ve accumulated a lot of joint possessions over the years, but Levi decides to leave all of it when he goes. It feels like the nice thing to do in the moment, but afterwards he wonders if he’s just laid another burden at Nico’s feet.

He subleases a room from a medical school friend who lives in a two-bedroom apartment. He finishes his rotations quietly. His mom comes to town for graduation and match day. She’s never been fully supportive of his relationship with NIco, so she doesn’t even question his absence. She’s thrilled he’s coming back to Seattle.

That gut-clenching feeling taking the residency at UCSF would be a mistake? Multiply it by ten. That’s close to how he feels when he brings himself to think of Nico.

Now

They’re back to being in a bad place, so Levi is back to avoiding ortho. Link seems more understanding about it this time, and he’s only been assigned to his service once since the blow up two weeks ago.

Levi would be thankful, if it weren’t for the fact that his fellow residents have picked up on how he’s seemingly gone from Dr. Lincoln’s favorite resident to avoiding his service altogether.

He’s in the cafeteria with Roy, Casey, and Taryn. They’re mostly lamenting about the general ineffectiveness of their interns. A common enemy has improved their camaraderie.

At least Levi thought it had.

“I’m really starting to enjoy ortho,” Roy says. “I guess I should thank you, Schmitt. No one else was really getting a chance until your unexplained fall from grace two weeks ago.”

“Shut up, Roy,” Casey says. Levi hasn’t given Taryn and Casey the dirty details of his falling out with Nico, but they seem to have drawn their own conclusions.

“Yeah, Roy. It’s not like you’re a stranger to getting thrown off of someone’s service,” Taryn says.

“I didn’t get thrown off of ortho,” Levi says. He doesn’t offer any explanation beyond that.

“Just tell us what happened,” Roy says. “Did you kill a guy? Trip and knock over a patient? Make an unwanted advance on Dr. Lincoln? He seems like he’d be your type all – ”

“Dr. Roy.”

They’re interrupted, and of course it’s Nico.

“Dr. Kim,” Roy is trying for an innocent smile. He’s probably praying he hasn’t been over heard. “We were just – ”

“Trying to humiliate one of your fellow residents?”

“Um, I wouldn’t say –”

“Dr. Schmitt hasn’t been removed from Dr. Lincoln’s service. You have though, and when the other residents try to harass you into telling them why you can say its because you’re a jackass.”

Nico walks away seemingly unaffected, but Levi feels as if his whole world has flipped upside down. Roy stands abruptly and flees the cafeteria. It’s unclear if he’s trying to chase down Nico or if he’s just too embarrassed to hang around.

“Levi,” Taryn says, “if you’re not going to at least tryto get back with that you’re an even bigger idiot than we thought you were before we got to know you.”

“Seconded,” Casey says.

Levi unfreezes, and he’s up and running after Nico before he can talk himself out of it.

Then

Levi has been in Seattle for nearly a year now. He’s learned more about medicine than he ever thought he could in such a short period of time. He’s gone from being a lonely loser to having two close friends. He’s even moved out of his mom’s basement and gotten a place of his own.

He feels like he’s settling into Seattle, and he feels like he’s settling into himself. Sure, he still does some pretty embarrassing things at work, but he’s improving. He shows up to the best surgical residency program in the country every day, and he thinks he does a good job more days than not.

He has close friends his own age for maybe the first time ever. Sure, it took a little while to show Taryn and Casey he wasn’t a complete bumbling idiot, but they’re friends nonetheless. They like him. They study together and ask each other for advice. They get drinks and Joe’s and don’t call him Glasses anymore. His peers accept him even when he’s being his authentic self.

By all accounts, his professional and personal life is on the rise compared to where it was when he first came to Seattle. Levi still has a hard time shaking the feeling of loneliness that permeated his first few months here.

It’s true that he’s becoming a better surgeon. It’s true that he’s making friends. It’s true that he feels more comfortable in his own skin than he maybe ever has before.

It’s also true he feels he hit pause on his heart nearly a year ago and still hasn’t found a way to hit play again. It’s like he’s achieving all of these things and checking all of these boxes on a list of things that should make him a happy, whole person, yet he feels pretty empty about all of it.

He still feels that way, even as he passes his internship exams and heads into his residency. It’s not until Nico Kim walks into Grey-Sloan that he feels he’s taking an active role in his own life again.

It’s like he’s been sleepwalking, but someone finally startled him awake.

 Now

Levi rushes to the ortho department but can’t find Nico anywhere. The nurses can only point him to where Link is sitting in an office finishing up some charting.

“Hey,” Levi says breathlessly as he skirts to a stop in the doorway.

“Hi,” Link says. “Did you run here? Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine!” Levi exclaims. “Well I think everything’s fine. Everything is going to be fine, or it is if I can just find Nico. Have you seen him?”

“He was going to grab some lunch and go him. His shift ended like three hours ago, but he was finishing up some charting before he left.”

Levi’s heart sinks. He needs to talk to Nico nowbefore he loses his nerve. He can’t just leave in the middle of a shift though. Unless…

“Nico kicked Roy off of your service,” Levi says.

“Yeah he texted me,” Link says.

“So you like need a new resident today, right?”

“I guess so,” Link says confusedly.

“Great. I’ll be your resident.”

“Okay,” Link is even more confused. “Well you can go take Mr. Gentry in room 1342 to his x-ray.”

“I totally would, but could I actually have the afternoon off? I have some personal stuff I need to settle. Like now.”

Link seems to connect the pieces.

“Do you even know where he lives?”

“Crap. I don’t, but I can –”

He stops as he watches Link grap a post-it and scribble something down.

“That’s the address, apartment number, and key code to the building. I helped him move in.”

“Thank you,” Levi says. He turns to rush away, but Link calls him back.

“Levi, don’t go over there unless you’re sure this is what you want this time.”

“I’m sure. I’m so sure.”

He’s at least sure until he’s actually standing outside of Nico’s door trying to work up the courage to knock.

It’s easy to want to be with Nico, but it’s hard to face the guy you walked away from and convince him to take you back.

He’s about to knock – he really is – when Nico opens the door.

They stare at each other.

“Did Link warn you I was coming?” Levi asks.

“Definitely not,” Nico says. “I didn’t know you were out here. I was leaving to go on a run.”

Levi takes in Nico’s workout gear. Right. Nico is someone who exercises. His general physique used to be intimidating, but Levi finds he doesn’t feel that way anymore. He can admire things about Nico without turning them into faults about himself.

“So,” Nico says. They’re still standing with Nico in the doorway and Levi in the hallway.

“I don’t want to like interrupt your workout,” Levi says. “But can I come in?”

“Sure.”

Nico steps aside and Levi steps into Nico’s apartment. He recognizes some of the décor. There’s the Oriental rug they bought from some guy selling them on the side of the road. There’s the coffee table Nico’s sister gave them because it was the wrong size for her living room. The couch is different though, and so is the TV.

“This is a nice place,” Levi says. He’s diverting. He’s well aware.

“Yeah I like it okay,” Nico says. He seems willing to let Levi lead the conversation, so the diversion can’t go on forever.

“I came here because I need to tell you something,” Levi says.

“Should we sit down?”

Levi nods and the walk over to the living room. They take seats on opposite sides of the couch, and Nico is obviously waiting on him to continue.

“I’ve been thinking a lot lately,” Levi begins. “About us. About how we were before and how we are now.”

Nico is still silent.

“I miss you,” Levi says. It’s not the first time he’s said it to Nico since they reentered each other’s lives. It still feels like an admission. “I’ve been thinking about everything that happened and how I ruined us. I just want you to know that I think I made a mistake. I know I made a mistake. Letting you go was a mistake, and I’ll probably beat myself up for it for the rest of my life.”

Nico still doesn’t respond, but he’s looking at Levi with an unreadable expression.

“I just thought I should tell you that. I know if some guy broke my heart for some stupid reason and then regretted it, I would revel in the satisfaction of knowing he regretted it.”

“So that’s it?” Nico asks. It isn’t cruel. It’s maybe a little disappointed.

“It doesn’t have to be it,” Levi says. “There’s other stuff I could say. I just don’t want to force myself on you. I don’t want to disturb your healing process or whatever.”

Nico doesn’t give him any sign to stop, so he continues.

“I thought if I stayed I would look at you one day and think I missed out on everything I gave up to be with you. I was wrong. I think I’ve missed out on more by giving you up. I thought I had to figure out who I was without you, but that was stupid. I don’t care who I am without you. I like who I am with you.”

Nico stands and walks toward the door to his balcony. Levi’s heart is pounding.He’s glad he said what he came to say. Even in the likely event that Nico says it’s all too late. He’s done regretting saying how he feels while he has the chance, especially when it comes to the people he loves.

“If this is about what I did with Roy today, you don’t owe me anything,” Nico finally says.

“It’s not about that. This is about how I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you forever, and I messed it up. I know that. If you give me another chance, I won’t mess it up again. I promise.”

Nico still hasn’t turned to look at him, so Levi keeps talking.

“I know it’s probably hard for you to trust me. I wasn’t very trustworthy at the end of our relationship. I get that now. I get it, and I’m trying to be different, you know? I’m trying to tell you how I feel and why I feel the way I feel and what I want and why I want it. I know I hurt you. You were planning a future and trying to factor me in, and I threw it back in your face. I won’t do that again. I want to factor you in. I want you to be in whatever future I have. Can we please just start over?”

“Walk out.”

Levi’s sucks in a harsh breath, and he feels his chest constricting. He might be frozen here forever. He might never move again, which would be really awkward for Nico. He knew Nico would likely turn him down. He’s well within his rights to turn him down. He didn’t think Nico would simply order him to leave without addressing anything he’d said.

“What?” he manages.

“Walk out,” Nico repeats. He turns to face Levi, and there’s a pause that is probably pretty short in reality but feels hours long to Levi. “Then walk back in.”

Levi is still confused. “I don’t – ”

“I love you, Levi, but if we’re starting over you’ve got to walk out and walk back in.”

Nico is smiling now – grinning even. Levi suddenly gets the reference to their disastrous first date.

It wasn’t disastrous though. Not after we started over. It was great after we started over.

Levi is grinning now, too. He can’t get to the front door fast enough. He walks out. He walks back in.

He’s barely two steps in the door before Nico presses him back against it.

They kiss, and it feels so good. It feels like Levi has been seen by the only person that has ever mattered.

Maybe he feels a little foolish that he moved nearly 1000 miles only to end up back in Nico’s arms. Maybe it’s time he cuts himself a break. They’ve still ended up exactly where they want to be.

Later

Levi freaks out for a second when his eyes pass over the clock on the back wall of the room. It’s later than he thought, meaning he’s already ten minutes late.

He didn’t mean to lead an impromptu lab session on newborn central lines. A few residents had approached him near the end of his shift and asked for tips. They had drawn the attention of some interns, and next thing Levi knew he was down in the lab leading a small group through a step-by-step tutorial with the newborn simulation dolls.

Now he’s late, but he’s not really finished with his unplanned teaching opportunity. He should just leave them to it, but Levi has a soft spot for teaching – probably because he grew up with a soft spot for learning. He was a resident not long ago; he knows how hard it is to get few-on-one time in the lab with an attending. He doesn’t want to leave everyone without making sure they know how to do it.

He’s about to resign himself to calling for backup when there’s a light knock on the doorframe.

Nico’s there, and he’s not alone.

“Someone wanted to see you,” Nico says. He’s smiling, so Levi figures his tardiness hasn’t gotten him in too much trouble.

Nico’s already changed into his street clothes, but more important than that is the little guy he’s holding. He hears the residents and interns break into little cooing sounds as they turn their attention to the doorway. Levi feels a familiar besotted smile overcome his face at the sight of their son.

He makes his way over to his two favorite guys, and gently grabs Benji’s little foot.

“Hey, buddy,” he says gently. “Did you have a good day at daycare?”

Benji stares at him with his big green eyes and gives Levi a bit of the sweet baby babble he’s started recently.

 “Michele said he only cried for three minutes after you dropped him off this morning. That’s like half as long as yesterday,” Nico says. He’s grinning at the grip Benji has on his index finger.

“Well aren’t you a big boy?” Levi asks their literal baby. “Thank you for picking him up. I was about to see if one of the other peds attendings could come finish this up, but here you are.”

“Here we are,” Nico says. “Finish up your thing. We can wait.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Benji and I can sit in the back and he can see for himself how smart Daddy is.”

Levi laughs, and Nico grabs a chair in the back of the room.

“Alright,” Levi says. “I’m going to come around and see how you’re doing. Let’s see some progress, people. I’ve got a hot date to get to.

Later, after they’ve fed themselves, Levi is doing the dishes and Nico is putting Benji down for bed. Levi dries the last pot and closes up the dishwasher. Nico’s been back in Benji’s room for at least twenty minutes now. Looks like it might be one of those nights.

He wanders back to the nursery, and his suspicious are confirmed when he sees Nico walking back and forth bouncing a tearful Benji. The nursery is arguable the calmest room in the house. It’s painted a bluish grey, it has twinkle lights, and there are little woodland creatures featured throughout. You wouldn’t know it from how adversely Benji reacts to being left in there.

Levi didn’t think it would happen, but they’re those parents. The logical part of him knows they’re supposed to teach Benji to self-sooth. All of the books encourage parents to let the baby cry it out. It’s easier read about than done.

Nico’s just as bad as he is, which is both a blessing and a curse. Neither of them can blame the other, but it means they’ve had a few more sleepless nights than they would prefer.

Levi takes a second to watch his husband whisper sweet little words to their sweet little baby. It’s moments like when he could nearly cry thinking about how close he came to never having this. Nico looks over at him, and he must be closer to tears than he thought because Nico looks a little concerned.

“Sorry,” Levi says. “You know how I get.”

“It’s still a little early,” Nico says softly. He holds Benji close to his chest and strokes his whispy brown hair. “I don’t think he’s ready for bed. He could cuddle and watch TV with us for a while.”

“Is that what we do with our early nights now?” Levi jokes. “Watch TV?”

“It’s only 8:30. Even if he doesn’t go down for another hour we’ll still have time for some other activites.”

“You can say sex, Nico. He’s a few cognitive milestones away from knowing what we’re talking about.”

“We shouldn’t start any bad habits,” Nico says. “Go get changed. We’ll go back out to the living room.”

“Yeah sounds good.”

Levi heads back to the bedroom and slips into his sleepwear. When he comes out to the living room, Nico is seated on the couch. Netflix is pulled up on the TV, but he’s focused on the laptop he has open on the coffee table.

Levi walks over and takes Benji from Nico’s lap to put him in his own.

“What is this?” Nico asks. Levi knows instantly what he’s referring to, and he’s glad Nico sounds curious rather than mad.

“It’s a private practice pediatric clinic in town. Alex Karev told me about it. It’s better hours, better pay, surgical privileges…”

Nico hums lightly.

“I thought you liked your job.”

“I do. I love being a dad though. I love being your husband. I love the idea of having more time to do both of those things.”

Levi leans down and kisses Benji’s head.

“I’ll support you no matter what you decide,” Nico says. Levi knows it’s true. Nico has proven that to him time and time again. “You were really in your element tonight with the residents and interns.”

“I’m still thinking about it,” Levi says. “It’s just nice to know it’s an option.”

Nico closes the laptop and scoots over so he and Levi are pressed together from thigh to shoulder.

Levi grabs the remote.

“What do you think we should watch tonight?” Levi asks.

“Your pick.”