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It was a short affair, surprisingly. The many people who knew Wei Wuxian expected his wedding to be just as boisterous and grand as him, yet it was quite the opposite.
Wei Wuxian had looked reflective and thoughtful as he stared at his soon-to-be wife. He didn’t know her well, but she was beautiful, and kind, and she even enjoyed his jokes. They matched up well. They were both teasing, they laughed and smiled, they were bright and dazzling. Even though the wedding had been traditional and small, they somehow made it look wonderful.
The red robes contrasted beautifully against the man’s skin, and his hair was done nicely, rather than having it in a messy ponytail as it usually was. Wei Wuxian behaved politely, and many Jiang disciples seemed delighted with how the head family acted.
Jiang Cheng scowled, but he looked happy, staring softly at his brother. Jin Yanli was every shade of proud, smiling broadly where she sat next to her own husband, Jin Zixuan, who also seemed content with the ordeal, despite his rough patch with Wei Wuxian in the past. Jiang Fengmian seemed relieved that his wife was satisfied, the woman keeping a small smile on her face as she watched the wedding proceed.
The woman was of a minor clan, but Wei Wuxian was perfectly content with that. She had delicate features, and her face was full of emotion, her eyes always lighted up in a grin. She was able to hold conversations well; her aura was gentle and approachable.
She was everything Lan Wangji wasn’t.
He had never thought about love when he was younger. After witnessing the pain his parents went through, how difficult it had been for them, Lan Wangji never entertained the concept of falling in love. He hadn’t understood his father, how he could choose to trap the love of his life; and even in that moment, he still didn’t understand.
Wei Wuxian was wild and free, trapping him would be taking away every fiber that made the man who he was. He wasn’t made to be held down, he was meant to soar, to share all he had to give. Even if Lan Wangji wanted to keep Wei Wuxian all to himself, it wouldn’t last long.
So, he watched. He read the invitation to the wedding. He attended the wedding. He witnessed the wedding. And he watched the love of his life make his vows. He watched the love of his life get married.
It had simultaneously felt as if it stretched for days, and as if it lasted five seconds. His focus on controlling his expression, on keeping the wetness from his eyes, on ignoring the static in his ears, had made everything move quickly. Yet, the moment he saw Wei Wuxian in the red wedding robes, his heart stopped, and he wished to every deity that the man was there for him. But he wasn’t, and he never would be.
The worst part might’ve been the looks his brother sent him. Lan Xichen had known – of course, he had known. He had pushed him, encouraged him, told him to try; but Lan Wangji vehemently kept his feelings to himself, until the moment it was too late.
Then again, even if he had confessed, only one thing would be different.
“Lan Zhan!”
He wouldn’t get to see that smile aimed at him. Instead, there would be the imprint of a disgusted expression, the words of rejection ringing in his ears through every moment of loneliness.
“Lan Zhan, maybe we can go on a night-hunt together soon! I haven’t seen you in a month!” Yes, he much preferred this.
“Mn.” And thus, Lan Wangji signed his fate, signed it in the heartbreaking scrawl of acceptance.
If Lan Wangji found that he was losing himself in his missions; if he found himself collecting the empty jars of alcohol like souvenirs, to remember that Wei Wuxian still cared for him, and appreciated his company; if he had papers full of doodles of the man. None of that was anyone’s business, but his own.
He didn’t stop it.
He didn’t stop their friendship from drawing them closer, but never the way he wanted it to be.
Over the course of several years, Wei Wuxian continued to contact him, and they continued to run into each other while on missions. After each time they met, Lan Wangji would trudge back to the Cloud Recesses, and kneel in front of the story of their founder, Lan An. He would spend hours, reading and rereading the story of love that inspired so much of who the Lans were.
Then, he would return to his personal quarters, busying himself with whatever he could, before falling asleep. He had never been one to dream, but he suddenly remembered each and every single time he did.
He woke up still feeling the warmth in his chest, the brush of fingers on his arms, the melodic voice he wished to hear every day. This would usually last from the moment he first returned, after a hunt with Wei Wuxian, and continue to the moment they saw each other again.
He remembered each one so vividly. They had become a sanctuary, keeping Lan Wangji warm in the night, since it had become so difficult to keep that heat in the day.
Sometimes, he would be making breakfast for the man, and Wei Wuxian would come up behind him, wrapping arms around him and burying his face in his back, telling him to come back to bed, that it was cold without him. Lan Wangji always agreed, that the bed was much colder with one body than two. But he would turn around and just stare at the man, lifting a hand to brush hair from the other’s face.
Wei Wuxian would give him a tired smile, and then burrow his face in Lan Wangji’s neck, holding on tighter. Lan Wangji would also wrap his arms around the man, keeping him close, keeping him warm. They wouldn’t eat the breakfast, they would simply move back to the bed, and lay down next to each other.
In other dreams, they would walk through a town, Wei Wuxian tugging him by the hand, pointing out anything that interested him. His laughter would fill Lan Wangji’s ears, and the other’s smiling face was the only thing he could focus on.
The dreams would always be so warm, terribly contrasting with reality.
Lan Wangji at one point tried to move on, but as he continued to read the story of Lan An, he knew: there was no one else. For some reason, fate had played its cruel joke, and given him a one-sided love. And no amount of teaching, no amount of care for the junior disciples or his brother or uncle, could truly distract him from his love.
Wei Wuxian’s daughter was just as beautiful as her father. Her eyes shone the same bright grey, her little fingers reaching out for everything, curious to learn and to see. She was perfect, and the smile Wei Wuxian gave Lan Wangji when the little girl reached for him, stretching her tiny arms to grab his sleeve – it wasn’t a look easily forgotten, and if Lan Wangji had dreamed of raising a child with his love, that was another tragedy.
The couples second child was just as wonderful. A little boy, loud and observant, his eyes flitting to look at everything, and wailing when he was taken away before he could finish his observation.
“Wow, Lan Zhan, it’s almost like they think you’re their dad,” Wei Wuxian had commented one day while Lan Wangji was visiting, the two children cuddled in his arms. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen them fall asleep that fast.” He caressed their cheeks, and Lan Wangji had saved that memory, saved it for when he felt the need to hate himself more than he already did.
The children grew up, and Lan Wangji stayed there, content with watching his love enjoy the embrace of another, as long as he could stay by his side. The kids stuck to him like glue, but Lan Wangji didn’t mind. They learned quickly, and Jiang Cheng was happy to accept them as disciples; Lan Wangji was especially happy when they were also sent to the Cloud Recesses for schooling.
But then, everything went wrong. The Wen Sect led a rebellion against the rest of the cultivational world, and everyone was suddenly in war. The Cloud Recesses and Lotus Pier were destroyed, and Lan Wangji was separated from his love for a very long time, eventually finding his brother and several other members of the Lan Clan.
When they found each other again, it had been the first time Lan Wangji had ever seen Wei Wuxian cry. The man had run to him, clutching him close, sobbing into his robes, and perhaps Lan Wangji didn’t do much differently, if not a bit quieter.
Wei Wuxian’s wife had died in the midst of a battle, protecting her daughter. The man had luckily found Jiang Cheng and Nie Mingjue shortly after, the two having created a secret haven away from the battle, and Wei Wuxian’s children remained safe there.
When Lan Wangji arrived, the two children had come up to him exactly as their father did, sobbing. They refused to let go of Lan Wangji for several hours, and he kept them close until they fell asleep, lying them down to sleep and tucking them in.
When he turned around, Wei Wuxian was in the doorway, smiling softly. “They really are obsessed with you,” he whispered. “But I guess that’s kind of similar to how I was.” Lan Wangji didn’t know how to respond, so he only remained silent.
For several months, things were hectic, but Lan Wangji was happy. He stayed by Wei Wuxian’s side, fighting next to him, and protecting him. The rebels slowly were able to push back on the Wens, and things began to look up.
But, if Lan Wangji had learned anything, it was that Fate was a cruel mistress, and she delivered her consequences shortly after her gifts.
The secret haven was found, and the situation wasn’t looking good for the rebels. They fought hard, but the Wens had come equipped in large numbers.
Wei Wuxian was practically blood hungry, tearing through anyone that stood in his way, protecting the fortress where many of the children stayed, including his own. Lan Wangji was always nearby, continuing to fight even after his fingers slipped in the blood that covered in guqin strings.
It was then he saw a figure quickly descending from above, Wen Zhuliu coming behind Wei Wuxian. Lan Wangji felt the scream of the other’s name tear from his throat, and he was suddenly blocking the other, Bichen drawn and impaling into the chest of the enemy.
And if there was a pain in his abdomen, that wasn’t important at the moment.
“Lan Zhan!” he heard his love scream, and he hated it, he never wanted to hear him scream like that. So, he turned around as Wen Zhuliu collapsed dead on the ground, focusing on the beautiful eyes he fell in love with.
“Lan Zhan!” He had fallen over, Wei Wuxian staring down as he cradled him, and Lan Wangji moved closer into the touch, his hand moving to cover the other’s where it was on his cheek.
“Wei Wuxian!” “Brother!”
He hadn’t heard the yells that well, trying to focus on the words that his love was mumbling. Lan Xichen and Jiang Cheng continued to fight around them, but Lan Wangji didn’t look at any of that.
“Lan Zhan! You need to focus on me, okay?! We are going to get you help!”
Lan Wangji brought his hand up, feeling the smooth skin of his love, parting his lips in wonderment at the softness under the pads of his fingers. His eyebrows scrunched when felt a tear roll down onto his thumb, wiping it away, only for another one to follow.
“Lan Zhan! Please, I can’t lose you, too!” Wei Wuxian brought his hand to cover Lan Wangji’s, clutching onto it tightly.
“Never,” Lan Wangi murmured weakly. “You always have me.”
He wanted to hit himself, upset as he saw even more tears pool out of his love’s eyes, and he continued to wipe them away with his thumb, until Wei Wuxian’s hand clutched his even harder, restricting the movement.
Lan Wangji only became angrier with himself when his vision began to fade, no longer able to focus on Wei Wuxian, and suddenly, he saw a familiar picture from his dreams. Wei Wuxian’s face over his, smiling brightly as he held his hand, content with just staring at him.
“You’re beautiful,” Lan Wangji mumbled, even as his vision came to refocus back on reality. Wei Wuxian’s parted lips and tear stained face were the last things he saw before everything went black, and his arm went limp in Wei Wuxian’s hold. His only regret was not making Wei Wuxian smile one more time.
Wei Wuxian screamed, he screamed and screamed, tears running down his face. He screamed as Jiang Cheng pulled him up, only allowing him to when he saw Lan Xichen also pick up the limp body of his brother.
Wei Wuxian sobbed, reaching up to grab Lan Wangji’s hand, clutching it. However, eventually, he was knocked out, and their hands separated for the last time.
Any sects hesitant on rebelling against the Wens quickly geared into battle after this siege, and the tides of war flipped. This time, after over a month, the Wens were wiped out and subdued. The months following that were focused on rebuilding.
When Gusu was reconstructed, Lan Xichen held a formal reburial for his brother, his grave near their mother’s. Wei Wuxian attended, his kids sobbing by his side; but he mourned in silence, the tear stains speaking for themselves.
“Wei Wuxian,” Lan Xichen called out as he walked to his guest room late into the night, his kids having already retired hours before. He had been unable to sleep, too many thoughts in his head.
He turned, watching as the man came up to him, a solemn smile on his face. He handed a small box to Wei Wuxian.
“What is this?” he asked.
“Things my brother would’ve wanted you to have,” was all Lan Xichen said, before politely excusing himself. “Cherish them,” the man added, and then continued to walk away.
So, Wei Wuxian walked back to his room, quietly moving so he wouldn’t disturb his children, and he sat down on his bed. He stared at the box for several minutes, before taking a deep breath and opening it.
He brought his hand up to his mouth, picking up the Lan headband, tears welling up in his eyes as he stared at the small blood stains. He breathed in unsteadily, moving the ribbon aside, and looking through the trinkets inside, noticing many of them were things he had gifted the other: pouches, jewelry, letters, etc. At the bottom of the box was a letter written in Lan Wangji’s neat scripture:
To my Love
Wei Wuxian slowly took it out, unfolding it carefully and sniffling as he began to read it. As he went through, it became increasingly difficult to hide his sobs, and his tears ran openly down his cheeks.
He is all I think about. He makes up every corner of my mind. He interrupts my thoughts with his beautiful eyes and his lively personality. And I truly wouldn’t have it any other way.
I love him. I love him and there is no changing that. He owns my heart, my soul, my being.
Wei Wuxian, my love. Although, he has never been mine, and likely never will be.
However, I am content with that. As long as the one he loves makes him happy, as long as he keeps smiling, as long as he is alive and breathing, that is enough for me.
I will love him until my final breath, and I will continue to love him beyond that breath. Wei Wuxian deserves that. He deserves the world.
I wish I could have been the one to give that to him.
Signed, Love
Lan Wangji