Archive of Our Own

Jimin was never one for people. It had always been hard for him to adjust. 

Was it because he was shy and awkward as fuck or was he really just that bad at socializing?  

That was why he was so against moving to a new neighborhood, but it wasn't like he could do anything about it. After all, he was just a teenager who still depended on his parents. Hence the reason he was here, standing in front of his new classmates.

"H-hi. I'm Park Jimin," Jimin breathed out, adjusting his old-fashioned and thick-rimmed eyeglasses that were close to falling off on the bridge of his tiny nose. Jimin had always hated them, it made him look old and, well, unpleasant to the eye, not to mention wearing glasses was such a nuisance. However, his eyesight had always been bad so he had no choice but to wear them. "It—it's nice to meet you all. P-please be nice to me," he stuttered, bowing and promptly heading to his designated seat. (Seriously, what was the need to introduce himself? For fuck's sake, they were in high school). He hated that everyone's eyes were on him. They were probably judging him, thinking that he was such a weird ugly fuck.

Please look away. Please, please, please—

Jimin felt oxygen coming back into his body once he was seated and safe from everyone's gazes. Jimin fixed his eyeglasses once more and brushed away his dark fringe that fell over his eyes.

Jimin pretty much zoned out throughout the whole lecture. He couldn't get himself to focus, he was too nervous for what the following days would bring. Yes, his classmates were nice to him now, but what if it was just a façade? What if during the next few days, they'd realize they hated him and would gang up on him? He didn't want that. He’d had enough of it. 

He picked at his nails anxiously, eyes darting around the room to distract himself from his nervousness until they landed on someone's head. His hair was brown, and he looked really tall from behind. Perhaps he could distract himself by counting the hair on this person's nape, not that he actually could, but still.

Jimin was currently on the twenty-third strand when the stranger turned around and landed his eyes on him, catching him off guard. The stranger observed him with a confused gaze. Jimin noticed how he looked even better like this: big round eyes that made him look so youthful and a nose so prominent it was stunning. Did guys as good looking as him really exist? He was unreal, so disarming. Jimin had always been more attracted to boys than he ever was with girls, and that was a fact he had long accepted.

He shook his head, the stranger must've thought he was a creep staring at him like that. He wasn't staring, he was counting his hair, which was weird in the first place but, can you blame him? He needed to calm himself and that was the easiest way he could think of at the moment. 

Ugh! It's just the first day, Jimin . 

When Jimin was sure the stranger wasn’t looking, he glanced back at him before averting his gaze and focusing on picking his nails instead.

Every day Jimin would seek out the chocolate-haired boy with the big eyes in their classroom. Jimin thought he was interesting. His days were spent with him just staring at the boy's back, (whose name was Jeon Jeongguk, and no, he didn't stalk him or anything. He found out when he introduced himself in front of the class for a report they were having) praying to the gods that he wouldn’t get caught. 

To say Jimin was nervous when Jeongguk was assigned to be his seatmate was an under-fucking-statement. It was because their names happened to start with the same letter. He sat anxiously, not before bowing in greeting. Jeongguk did the same.

Thank fuck.

Contrary to his initial judgement, Jeongguk was actually a very nice guy. He was funny and pleasant to be with. They started talking after Jeongguk asked if he had an extra pen. Jimin always did. He had a bunch of pens. He loved buying them just because they were cute and loved the ones with little pom poms, chains, or beads. He gave Jeongguk the most neutral looking pen, afraid he'd think he was weird if he let him borrow his other, more interesting ones.

Jimin and Jeongguk talked every day in between lectures, often getting scolded by the teachers for not listening. Sometimes, Jeongguk's voice would regularly grow louder than their teacher's and sometimes it caused them problems. Like how one time they were  caught talking each other's ears off, resulting in a: Jimin, would you like to share with the class what's so interesting? and him reporting to the front. Jimin stuttered more than he talked. But hey, it was a success, and the teacher let him sit. Jeongguk laughed his ass off, and Jimin proceeded to kick his shin. He never let Jimin live after that, always finding a way to tease him about it. 

They were even partnered up for an English project. The two decided to go to Jeongguk's house. Jimin was amazed at how big and nice it was, unlike his own apartment that would probably fall apart if Jimin so much as sneezed a little too hard. Jeongguk's family was welcoming, especially his mother who even made sure Jimin left with a bunch of goods she baked at home; Jeongguk's father was quiet and kept staring at him as if he knew all of Jimin's sins. It scared Jimin but Jeongguk said that was just his father's countenance. 

They finished their project on time. He spent time with Jeongguk, the boy even praised him for his English skills. In the middle of completing their project, Jeongguk said he looked like a rice cake. Jimin didn't know whether to be offended or not. 

Should he be?  

Nonetheless, Jimin was happy. 

Going to school wasn't as dreadful as Jimin thought it would be, thanks to Jeongguk. He actually looked forward to it every day. It was safe to say that he hated weekends because that meant no school, no Jeongguk. He would spend the weekends moping around and wishing Monday would come faster. It had been months but he wasn't able to make any friends. He was never good at it. He assumed no one would want to talk to a weirdo like him, but that was still better than being pushed around and made fun of. He would rather they just ignore his presence. He was thankful, if anything. At least Jeongguk talked to him. They were friends, and that was all he really needed. 

Jimin practiced styling his hair so he would look a little decent. He also changed his eyeglasses to more trendy ones, changing their color to black which he liked better than the stupid orange ones he wore before.

He still hated his eyeglasses more than anything else, he wished he could stop wearing them (so the kids from other classes would stop calling him a nerd), but that changed when Jeongguk said he looked cute in them, that his spectacles suited him. Jimin couldn't stop peeking at his phone camera to check how he looked. 

Jeongguk thought my glasses were cute. He thought I was cute!

When he got home that day, he couldn't stop himself from taking a lot of selfies with his old flip phone's camera, his glasses present in every picture. The quality wasn't that good but he was cute. Jeongguk said so.

It was a particularly boring class. Everyone, including Jimin, was close to slipping away to dreamland when he felt something cold brush his tiny pinky. He didn't mind it at first, maybe it was the wind, but then it came back, now brushing his pinky insistently. Jimin looked up. 

Jeongguk. 

Jeongguk was brushing his fingers along his pinky, smiling at him. Jimin gulped, flustered, heartbeat picking up. He looked away, clenching his left hand that was on his lap, palms clammy.

Why was it beating so damn hard? He couldn't breathe!   

Jimin let Jeongguk brush his cold fingers against his pinky. He wished he wasn't as red as he felt. His heart throbbed so hard and he was sure Jeongguk would be able to hear it if he were any closer. He looked anywhere but him, missing the way Jeongguk smiled at him with pure fondness.

The small touches and gentle brushing of fingers turned into holding hands under the table. Jeongguk would place his left hand beside Jimin's right one on his desk. Then without a word, he would start brushing his fingers lightly along Jimin's knuckles. The chocolate-haired boy would then slowly envelop Jimin's tiny hands in his and pull it down to hold it firmly under the desk where no one else could see. At first, Jimin was nervous as fuck. What if someone caught them? He was more worried about Jeongguk than he was about himself. As far as he was concerned, Jeongguk was straight and he wasn't. What if the others found out? They'd be screwed. Jimin had nothing to lose, but Jeongguk had everything. He was popular, loved and adored by everyone. Teachers' favorite and campus crush. Jimin…well, he was no one. Just a weird transferee with weird glasses. 

Jeongguk assured him, saying it was alright, they wouldn’t be caught. They would be careful. Jimin nodded and tried his best to keep the blush that was already on his face from getting worse. He didn't want Jeongguk mistaking him for a tomato.

Jimin had gotten used to holding Jeongguk's hand during extremely boring lectures, and if it weren't for Jeongguk, Jimin would've been asleep. Jeongguk would always play with his fingers, pressing on them gently or running his fingers on them. It made Jimin's heart flutter, fireworks exploding in his belly. Jeongguk's hands were cold, really cold. It was like holding a corpse's. But he liked them. They were soft, fingers slender and pretty. He couldn't help but compare them to his tiny ones, his hands were swallowed by Jeongguk's. He liked them. 

The lectures went on and on without Jimin's knowledge, he was too busy focusing on the feeling of Jeongguk's fingers brushing against his knuckles. He decided that he could spend a whole year with Jeongguk like this, even his whole life.

When the room was quiet and everyone was asleep, drooling on their desks because their teacher didn't really care, Jeongguk pulled Jimin's hands upward and kissed the back of his hand gently, waiting for his reaction. Jimin was taken aback by the gesture, he felt both nervous and giddy. 

Jeongguk kissed my hand. He—

Jimin stood abruptly, looking around to check if someone had seen, and excused himself to the bathroom. He needed a breather. Jeongguk apologized, but Jimin brushed him off and said it was alright because it really was. He was just a little bit surprised. 

He stood in front of the mirror in the boys' stinky bathroom, willing his racing heartbeat to calm. He was red as fuck from his face to his neck. Jeongguk kissed his hand. Fuck, fuck, fuck—

Jimin promptly composed himself when he heard the door creak, fixing his eyeglasses and breathing deeply. He was about to go out when he saw who entered. 

Jeongguk. 

Jimin panicked.

"J-Jeongguk-"

Jeongguk locked the door and stepped closer to Jimin. 

"Are you okay?" Jeongguk asked, cupping Jimin's face gently. Jimin flushed, blinking rapidly and promptly turning away, his heart was beating too fast, he needed to get away. But Jeongguk pulled him closer, wrapping his arm around Jimin's waist. "Did I scare you? Was that too much? I'm sorry," he whispered, caressing Jimin's face. Jimin was dumbfounded, he stared in wonder at Jeongguk's bewitching features. 

Too close.

"N-no, I- I was just nervous," he laughed, licking his lips nervously, and Jeongguk followed the gesture intently. He chuckled, pulling Jimin even closer to drop a kiss on his supple cheeks, earning him a squeak from a very much surprised Jimin, eyes growing comically wide. Jeongguk laughed once more. 

And in an instant, the air around them shifted. It was thick, unbearable. The two of them stared at each other, lost in each other's eyes. Jimin thought Jeongguk's bambi eyes were so beautiful this close. 

Jeongguk leaned down to peck Jimin's plush lips gently. Jimin stilled. He’d never been kissed before but… but Jeongguk's lips were the softest when pressed against his. He leaned forward to chase Jeongguk's parted lips, kissing them tentatively, earning him a slight giggle before Jeongguk leaned down once more to kiss Jimin, pressing his lips harder against his. Jimin's eyes fluttered closed, eyelashes brushing his flushed cheeks. He responded immediately, moving his mouth experimentally against Jeongguk's. He just hoped he wasn't doing as bad as he thought. He hoped Jeongguk wouldn't notice his inexperience. 

The kiss was soft and gentle at first, just the brushing of their spit-slicked mouths, but it grew bigger and more intense when Jimin wrapped his arms around Jeongguk's neck, standing on his tip-toes to pull Jeongguk down so he could kiss him better. Jeongguk smiled against Jimin's mouth, amused at Jimin's enthusiasm. His grip on Jimin's hips tightened. He licked Jimin's fat bottom lip, prompting Jimin to open his mouth, and pushed his wet tongue in. Jimin moaned, the action sending shivers down his spine and electricity throughout his body. Jimin flushed when he realized too late that he made that sound. Jeongguk just laughed and rubbed his hand on Jimin's side to tell him it was alright. He had no idea being kissed felt this good. Or perhaps it was because he was being kissed by Jeongguk. Jimin was aware they were making out inside the school's public bathroom where anyone could come in (thank god, Jeongguk locked the door) and see them but he didn't care. He was too lost in the magic of Jeongguk's kisses and soft touches. 

Jimin pulled away for a breather. He stepped away from him, fixing his eyeglasses that had gotten out of place because of their intense impromptu make-out session. He couldn't look Jeongguk in the eye. Too embarrassed. His heart was still beating so loud he feared Jeongguk might hear.

Jeongguk giggled, again. He was finding this way too fun, all while Jimin was having a crisis. Jeongguk fixed the mess out of Jimin's hair, and Jimin peered up and saw how red and swollen Jeongguk's lips were. I did that, he thought. He pulled his bottom lip into his mouth to stop himself from grinning. 

"You're cute," Jeongguk mumbled, petting Jimin's head and then kissing his cheeks gently, making Jimin blush for the umpteenth time. 

Jeongguk asked him out a few days after their impromptu make-out session. Jimin was shocked, he couldn't believe it. Jeongguk was too handsome for him, too kind, too much. He was too good to be true. Why would he want to date Jimin? Jimin didn't even know if Jeongguk liked boys. As much as Jimin was concerned, the guy had only ever been with girls. He laughed it off, thinking it was a joke, but when he realized Jeongguk was dead serious, he was amazed. Fuck. He was the happiest. Jimin marked that day on his calendar as one of the most unforgettable days of his life.

They became more careful now that they were dating. Of course, it was a secret. They couldn't afford anyone finding out. They still held hands under the table during lectures. They met in secret; it was either his or Jeongguk's house but most of the time, it was Jeongguk's. They kissed and felt each other's warmth behind closed doors and drawn curtains, where they could be who they were and no one could see or judge them. They talked about everything while lying on Jeongguk's bed at two in the morning. From their deepest fears, the earliest memory they could recall, to the little feelings of happiness and silver linings in their lives. They uncovered themselves. They spent hours upon hours learning about each other's hearts.

Jeongguk's parents were out of town when it happened. It was just the two of them. It started with shy pecks on lips and soft caresses on skin. Jeongguk's fingers gently slipped underneath the fabric of Jimin's shirt, slowly tracing invisible patterns on Jimin's delicate skin. He did it until it became too much, both of them burning with the need to just do it. They rid themselves of their clothes and kissed, tasting the coffee they’d shared an hour ago on each other's tongues. Jeongguk left bruises on Jimin's exposed collarbones, on the milky skin of his neck, wherever his mouth could reach. Branding Jimin as his.  

Jeongguk stopped to ask Jimin if he really wanted it, to check whether he was sure, and Jimin nodded eagerly, pulling Jeongguk down for a kiss. He wanted it, so badly. He wanted everything with Jeongguk. He wanted Jeongguk to take him. He wanted Jeongguk to mark him, to make him his.  

So he did, with the promises of forever and soft whispers of I love yous.

Jimin found out that night that Jeongguk loved fucking him with his glasses on.

Jeongguk didn't sit beside him today nor did he talk to him. Maybe he wasn't in the mood? There were episodes when Jeongguk would want to be left alone and Jimin would give him space whenever it would happen, and Jimin thought this was one of those days so he didn't really mind it. It was a mutual agreement not to talk too much to each other in school when people started pointing out how close they had gotten. There were eyes everywhere and they could only be too careful. Jeongguk would talk to him tomorrow.

Except, he didn't, and it went on like that for the following days and Jimin started getting worried. Jeongguk stopped sitting beside him a week ago, he stopped talking to him a week ago. Jeongguk wouldn't even look at him, and Jimin finally decided he'd either take a risk or he'd lose his mind. 

Jimin waited for Jeongguk at the corner of their street, twisting the hem of his shirt. He waited, tired and confused and hoping . When half an hour passed and Jeongguk was still nowhere to be seen, he realized he’d have to give up. He turned around, hearing a soft giggle, high-pitched—a feminine one, accompanied by a laugh Jimin would never fail to recognize. 

Jeongguk… and he was with Soojin,one of the prettiest girls in their class. He watched as they laughed about something Jimin had zero idea about, but it must have been really funny if Jeongguk was throwing his head back in laughter, bunny teeth peeking out.

Why was he with Soojin this late? 

Jimin stood straight and waited for them to come. He saw the way Jeongguk seemed to tense when their eyes locked, but Jimin felt so happy, life rushing into him like he was whole again. He missed Jeongguk. Soojin probably wouldn't mind if Jimin talked to him for just a moment.

"Jeongguk—" Jimin beamed, fists clenched in excitement when Jeongguk walked towards him. But he was cut off. Jeongguk strode past him as if he couldn’t see him, as if he wasn't even there.

O-oh…

Jimin's heart sank into his stomach, stupid hot tears collecting in his eyes.

To: Jeongguk <3

Please talk to me, tell me what's wrong. I miss you.

Jimin didn't want to be jealous, it was childish, but he couldn't help it, not when Jeongguk wouldn't talk to him- he wouldn't even spare him a glance.

Everyone around him whispered about how Jeongguk and Soojin were dating and how good they looked together. Everyone loved them. Jimin agreed, they really did look good together. A match made in heaven. But they weren't really dating… right? They were just friends... right? Jeongguk and he were still together. 

But what if Jeongguk had grown tired of him? What if he was bored of him so he tried to find someone else and now he had perfect, pretty Soojin? Jimin was no fun, nothing special. It pained him to admit that he wouldn't find it surprising if Jeongguk left him for Soojin. If he were Jeongguk, he'd do it too.

From: Jeongguk <3

Baby, I'm sorry it took me so long to respond but I was grounded. My parents found out about us and they were furious. They took my phone away. They think you made me like this. I can't talk to you right now or I'll be dead. 

I don't like Soojin. I'm not dating her. I'm just using her to make my parents believe I am over you. I'm so sorry. I love you. 

I promise I'll come back to you when everything's alright.

Jimin cried in relief after reading that. He should've known something was up. He couldn't believe he had doubted Jeongguk's feelings for him. He was so stupid to even think that, and he cried with the murmurs of apologies falling from his lips.

Jeongguk would come back to him. Everything would be alright.

Jimin had always been easy to deceive. He had always been so gullible. Tell him a dog could fly and he probably would believe it. 

Things didn't get better, in fact, they got worse. Jeongguk blocked his number. He had no way of contacting him now. Jimin was pissed, and when Jimin was pissed, he cried. But he wouldn't, not right now when he was in the middle of the school's canteen, munching angrily on a poor chicken nugget. 

He was halfway through his food when he saw Jeongguk and Soojin enter the cafeteria. Jimin froze. Everyone's attention was on them, but Jimin's was on their hands that were linked together. How perfectly their hands fit. Soojin's hands were just as pretty as she was, they were long and seemingly soft as a baby’s, her fingernails painted with blue nail polish. Unlike Jimin's chubby calloused ones. 

Jeongguk was holding Soojin's hands. They were holding hands. Holdinghandsholdinghands.

Jimin averted his eyes, not able to watch the scene anymore. He continued munching on the poor nugget though his lips were trembling and he couldn't get himself to bite it. 

Jimin wished Jeongguk could hold his hand like that, for everyone to see. Jimin wished they could be like that, too. Jimin wiped the tears he hadn't noticed had fallen, smearing them on his cheeks.

To: Jeongguk <3

Why were you holding Soojin's hand during lunch break? Are we okay, Jeongguk? Please, just tell me. I miss you.

Jimin sent the message, even though he had no certainty whether Jeongguk would be able to read it or if he would want to read it at all.

Despite Jeongguk avoiding his existence, he still tried to look for him, tried to make him talk to him. Call him desperate, he didn't care. He just wanted to make everything work again. He wanted to make everything alright again. They just needed to talk and everything would fall right back into place.

Every failed attempt was a stab at his heart. Every time he would try to seek him out, Soojin would be all over Jeongguk, glaring at him as if she was afraid he'd steal her meal away. Jeongguk didn't pay him any attention either. It seemed like he was enjoying the game of pretending that Jimin didn't exist. He was so good at it. Walking past him, ignoring him. 

Today wasn't any different. He went to school earlier than he usually would to try and catch Jeongguk on the way. They used to go together but that stopped months ago when Jeongguk started ignoring him. Jeongguk would either go to school too early or a little later just so that Jimin could miss him. Just like how he did today. He’d missed him again.

Defeated, Jimin entered the quiet classroom with his head down and shoulders slumped. He hoped no one was here yet so he could cry a little. His heart was heavy in his chest and he just wanted to let it out. When he looked up he saw that Jeongguk was there, tapping away on his phone. Probably texting Soojin.

You won't even reply to mine. 

"Jeongguk…" Jimin whispered, voice quivering. It’d been so long since they were alone and this close. Jeongguk didn't move, didn't even look at him, but Jimin knew Jeongguk saw him. "Talk to me? Please?" he pleaded, moving closer. His heart broke with each second that Jeongguk ignored him. Jeongguk stood up with a soft sigh and left, shattering Jimin's heart once more.  

It was later that afternoon that Jimin felt something strange. He’d just woken up after having fallen asleep in class, the remnants of tears in his eyes. He’d missed all his lectures, and no one had bothered to wake him up. Of course, no one cared. He had no one.

Everyone was outside, holding balloons and flowers and banners. Jimin huffed. Did someone propose or something? They were so noisy, it was infuriating. He couldn't even be left in peace. Jimin decided to come out and see what was the commotion all about and instantly regretted it when he saw Jeongguk and Soojin in the middle. Jeongguk's arms were draped around Soojin's delicate waist, Soojin leaning on him.

"We're officially dating now," announced Soojin, the audience of students roared, clapped, stomped their feet and screamed their names excitedly. Soojin locked eyes with Jimin before leaning forward to kiss Jeongguk on the lips. There was a second, a moment where Jeongguk met his eyes and hesitated. 

No, no, no, don't… you love me… right?  

Jimin tried to ask Jeongguk that through his eyes, perhaps he would understand and not do it because he loved Jimin . But the moment was gone as quickly as it’d come, and Jeongguk kissed her back, destroying the little pieces that were left of Jimin’s tattered heart. They kissed, in front of everyone. In front of Jimin and he felt the world slowly crash on top of him. He should've known.

They looked so good together. Jimin felt like he was watching a romance movie. Jeongguk and Soojin were the main characters and he was the antagonist. Jimin understood why Jeongguk chose Soojin. She was beautiful, smart, bubbly, popular. He was no one. He was dirt compared to Soojin. 

Did this mean he and Jeongguk were finally over? 

Of course, you dumbfuck. He loves Soojin now. 

You’ve always been nothing but a loser.

Jimin couldn't get himself to feel angry, he wasn't angry. It...just...it hurt. God, it hurt so bad. 

Jimin slowly turned around. His feet felt like jelly and he wasn't sure they could carry him but he was so tired, just wanted to go home. Stray tears managed to escape and flow like a river down his face. He just hoped no one noticed.

He let himself finally break once he was home, alone in the comforts of his worn bed. He hated his bed, it was old and creaky and sometimes it would smell when it got wet when the rain was too harsh, but now, he decided it wasn't too bad. He curled up on himself, hugging his knees to his chest and biting his lips to somehow muffle the sobs that broke through his lips. He squeezed his eyes shut, tears racing down his cheeks. He let himself cry. He’d been suppressing his feelings for too long and if he hadn't released them, he feared they would kill him. 

He couldn't get the image of Jeongguk and Soojin kissing out of his mind and how perfect their lips were against each other. It was like a constant reminder of how he was never going to be good enough to be loved. How Jeongguk never actually loved him. How everything was a lie. Jeongguk used him. He was just a free trial, a way of finding out if he liked being with boys. He felt pathetic, a new degrading kind of ache engulfing him. He’d never

felt this hopeless, worthless, pushed to the side- nothing more than another notch on Jungkook's belt. 

Jimin wished Jeongguk had just told him he didn't want Jimin anymore. He should've just told him that he didn't love him anymore, that he wasn't happy. Jimin would've let him go. 

Why did he have to be so cruel? 

Jimin cried himself to sleep with the wish of feeling better the next day.

They said: "Time heals all wounds." A lie, Jimin thought. As days passed by, it got worse, he'd gotten worse. Each day that passed made the wound inside his beaten heart deepen. He tried so hard to escape the nightmare he was in, how he wished it was just a nightmare because he so badly wanted to wake up and escape from the dark that had swallowed him whole. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to remember. 

Everything hurt.

He cried himself to sleep every day. Every night darker and lonelier than the other. His room would be filled with sobs, snot dripping down his nose together with the tears that flowed as if he was a broken dam, wetting his pillow and blanket that he always had clasped tightly in his hands. He would sob so hard to the point that he would beg himself to just stop crying because, fuck, it hurt. 

Every single day was like a slap to his face, a reminder that everything wasn't the same anymore. No more hand-holding under the table. No more secret meetups and kisses behind the faculty's door when Jeongguk was being too silly to remember that they might be caught at any moment. But he still hoped that maybe Jeongguk would come back and tell him it was a prank, a stupid joke he wanted to pull off. He’d hoped for Jeongguk to come to his door and tell him he was the one he loved, tell him they still had a chance. 

He told himself he would get over it but he couldn't even say Jeongguk's name or think of him without crying. It was pathetic.

But Jimin pushed through. He went to school every day without fail, even though it meant seeing Jeongguk and Soojin together. The seat beside him was empty, it had been for months now. Jeongguk sat three seats away from Jimin. He could see them every single day. Jeongguk would put his arm around Soojin's shoulders and would sometimes lean in to kiss her. Jeongguk said he didn't like her but what he was doing showed otherwise. He seemed so in love with Soojin. The sight burned him every time, but he couldn't get himself to look away. He’d always been a masochist. It was like a free pass to slowly destroying himself. Sometimes he thought he would catch Jeongguk looking his way but it made so much more sense that he was just looking at Minjae who sat behind him. He was Jeongguk's friend after all, and Jimin… Jimin was nothing. 

Why would Jeongguk ever look at him?

Every single day was a never-ending blur of motion, nothing felt special anymore. Everything was the same. Dull, boring, lifeless. Just like him. 

He had long given up on the pitiful wish that he and Jeongguk would get back together. He did everything he could, but it was hopeless. How could he fix something when he didn't even know what was broken? Everything had been going so well, everything had been fine, wonderful even, and then one day it all just wasn't. One thing was clear though, Jeongguk didn't want him anymore. He was happy with Soojin. 

Jimin was so used to the sight of the two of them already that before, he would have tears in his eyes whenever he'd pass by them or see them, but now it didn't hurt anymore. (Lies, it killed him every time. Breaking the pieces of his already shattered heart all over again).

He was so tired of crying. He was so tired of asking himself where he went wrong. He was tired of wondering why he wasn't enough, why he deserved to hurt this way. He was so tired. So fucking tired. 

One day he found himself being pushed around and made fun of, being called names. It happened so fast.

"You nasty faggot, you really thought Jeongguk would want you?" A girl he didn't even know spat at his face, her face so red from the way she fumed.

F-faggot… 

Did they know?

"How dare you force himself on him! You're disgusting! I feel so bad for Jeongguk," another girl with long curly hair yelled at him. Jimin recognized him as one of Jeongguk's ex-girlfriends. She pushed him harshly against the locker, cornering him like an animal. Jimin's head bumped against the metal of the locker, making him hiss in pain. 

"I- I don't know what you're talking about," he whispered, voice broken.

The group of people around him doubled in seconds, people were eyeing him with disgust, sneering at him.

The girl laughed. "You don't?" she mocked, pushing him again. Jimin's head hit the metal once more, harsher, resounding in the school's hallway.

Jimin shook his head, staring at the floor instead. He couldn't bear to watch people looking at him as if he was trash, a filthy stain they wanted to remove from their clothes. He felt dizzy from the impact. Tears clouded his vision, burning his eyes, but he refused to cry. He already looked weak, he was weak. He didn't want to humiliate himself even more. 

The girl faced the crowd, holding Jimin by his collar, squeezing, making it hard for him to breathe.

"This faggot forced Jeongguk to have sex with him, can you believe that?" Their peers gasped, murmuring to each other. Jimin was frozen. 

What…? He didn't!

"He looks so cute and innocent like he wouldn't even hurt a fly, yet deep inside, he's wild and delusional. He's obsessed with Jeongguk, and crazy little Jimin thought Jeongguk wanted him too, so when he found out that no, he didn't, he decided to force himself on him. How pathetic and disgusting is that?" the girl said, voice a pitch higher than normal, mocking Jimin as if he wasn’t a human being, as if he didn’t have feelings.

W-what...?  

They were laughing at him, degrading him. The girl stabbed a finger on his forehead forcefully, making him lose his balance and stumble. His head buzzed from the pain. Faceless people kicked him in the stomach.  Punch. Kick. Slap. He let them do it all. A stupid part of him dared to think of Jeongguk, maybe he'd come and save him from this mess, pick him up gently and carry him away. What a fool. He was alone. Weak. No one would dare to help him. He had no one. 

He couldn't defend himself, couldn't tell them he didn't do it, that he would never force himself on anyone. He didn't want to. They wouldn't believe him anyway. Why would they want to believe a faggot obsessed with the campus heartthrob? Jeongguk's words meant more to them than Jimin’s words would ever. 

When they were done with him and had all gone, he tried to stand up but failed. He tried again, supporting himself with both of his hands, and picked his bag up. His feet were shaking but he'd manage. He wiped the blood that trickled down his nose from being punched. He couldn't feel any pain, too numb to it, mind only wrecked with the ache that clawed at his heart.

He decided to go to the playground at the back of their neighborhood, the one that he and Jeongguk used to head to when they were both too lazy to go home and wanted to kill time, eating their favorite snacks. He didn't want to go home looking like this. His parents would be furious. He decided he would stay there for a while, maybe cry and let the hatred in himself fester. He would go home when he was certain they were asleep.

Jimin reached the playground in no time, limping on his way, mustering all the energy he had left in him. It was late, dark now, and the poor lighting in the park didn’t do much. He strode forward, head hanging low as he headed for the rusty red swing he loved to sit on, the middle one was his favorite seat. His eyes met Jeongguk the second he tilted his head up. Jimin was sure it was Jeongguk. He was standing near the swing wearing his stupid white shirt partnered with his black pants. Jimin's eyes instantly watered. Of course he was here too. Out of all the fucking places, he was here too. 

Did he see him get beaten up? 

Was it fun? He wanted to ask. He was probably a sight right now, limping, face busted, clothes smeared with blood. 

The dejected expression on Jeongguk's face confirmed it. He did it. He told everyone Jimin forced him to have sex with him, that he was obsessed with Jeongguk. Jimin couldn’t understand why. He couldn't believe Jeongguk did that, didn’t want to accept it. His adorable and loving Jeongguk? 

He thought Jeongguk loved him because that was what he made him feel. 

Loved. 

But weren't they too young to know what love truly was? 

Jimin had always been a person who saw the good in everyone. He never wanted to blame anyone for his own misery, but it was impossible to carry all this sorrow on his narrow shoulders. He just couldn't take it anymore. 

Jimin looked at Jeongguk one last time before averting his gaze and limping away. To where? He didn't know, anywhere but here.

But before he could get too far, he felt Jeongguk grab his wrist. He knew it was him because the hand was cold and Jeongguk's hands were always cold. Jimin didn't bother to turn around, he was too tired for that, his back facing Jeongguk.

"J-Jimin…" 

It had been a while since Jimin heard him say his name. It felt nice… he missed the sound of his voice but at the same time, he wished he’d never heard it.

"Look at me," Jeongguk breathed, gently brushing his fingers along Jimin's scraped and bloodstained knuckles, blowing at the wounds slowly as if it would heal them… as if he cared. 

Jimin did, he turned around, as fast as his worn body could. He looked up, slowly, meeting Jeongguk's eyes, and Jimin hated that it was enough for those previously trapped tears that he’d tried so desperately to stop when he was being pushed, kicked and slapped to now treacherously race endlessly down his cheeks. 

"Jimin." It was as if it was the only word Jeongguk knew. Now that he was close to him, he noticed Jeongguk had a few fading bruises on his face. Not that he should care.

"Oh," Jimin breathed shakily, it was hard from how his ribs hurt. "I didn't even know that you knew my name." 

He yanked his hand away from Jeongguk's grip with what little energy he had.

"About what happened— I-I'm sorry I-" Jeongguk stammered.

"Are you finally feeling bad about ignoring me? Acting as if I didn't exist?" Jimin looked him dead in the eye, tears falling freely from his swollen eyes, hissing when the salty water landed on the cut on his cheek.

Jeongguk stepped closer, albeit tentatively, still looking at him but not saying a word. Jeongguk lifted his arms up, deliberately placing his hands on both sides of Jimin's face to cup his cheeks, to brush the tears away. How he wished Jeongguk could brush the pain in his heart away too. Jimin melted into the touch involuntarily and closed his eyes.

"How c-could you do this to m-me—me-" Jimin's voice broke as he hiccuped, chest heaving as sobs tore through his small and exhausted body, his breath erratic. "I trusted y-you."

Jimin trusted Jeongguk with all of his heart and let him see even the parts of himself that he didn't love. He gave his all, so much so that he forgot to save something for himself. 

"Shhh…" Jeongguk tried to calm him down, "It's okay- I—I'm so sorry baby." He pressed a soft kiss on Jimin's forehead, lips shaking.

Baby...

Jimin screwed his eyes shut but it was useless in stopping the tears. Jeongguk thumbed the tears away, but new ones came just as fast, and Jimin punched his chest weakly, shoving him away. 

How dare he act as if he cared now? 

"Do you feel bad? Do you pity me? Is that w-why you're here n-n—now? I hope not." Jimin rubbed the tears from his eyes that just wouldn't stop no matter how much he tried. "I hate that more than the fact t-that you don't love me anymore." Jimin tried to talk through his sobs and hiccups but the pressure of the huge knot in his throat made it impossible.

"No, Jimin that's—"

"Did you even love...me?"Jimin's voice cracked or perhaps, it was his heart. He let the river flow down, damping his already wet cheeks. 

"I did—I do love y—" 

Lies, lies, lies. 

You didn't. You left me. You hurt me.  

Why would Jeongguk love him? He couldn't even love himself.

"J-Jimin, I'm so sorry, I wanted to come to you sooner but my parents… they—they-" 

"It's a-a—alright. I'll l-leave now," Jimin mumbled, not wanting to hear it. It was useless. He doubted it would change anything. He started to walk away, wanting to go home, curl up on himself and sleep it all away. At least when he was asleep, he couldn't feel the pain. At least when he was asleep he couldn't remember.

"Let me explain," Jeongguk pleaded, wide bambi eyes still the most beautiful Jimin had ever seen although they were filled with pain.

"D-don' you th—think it's too—too late for that?" Jimin whispered, his face scrunched up as he sniffled. "I don't want to—to see you anymore. It h-hurts…" he choked out, putting his hand on his heart because it literally hurt. It hurt so much Jimin could feel his heart shatter and his bones breaking inside. 

"Baby…" Jeongguk looked sad and his eyes were shining... are those tears? No. He was probably glad Jimin would be gone from his life. 

Jeongguk pulled him gently, pressing him against his chest. Jeongguk was so warm but Jimin felt so cold, freezing.

"Let me go," he cried weakly. Jeongguk didn't, he only held him tighter, pressing his face on Jimin's head. Jimin felt the wetness in his hair. Maybe it was raining or maybe it was Jeongguk crying. He didn't know.

"No…no..." Jeongguk mumbled, shoulders shaking. 

Jimin closed his eyes. Tired… he was tired... "Please do me a favor… and let me go." 

"No! I'm so sorry, I'm so s-s—sorry, I l-love you," Jeongguk sobbed, hugging him impossibly tightly, kissing his head. Jimin let him, too fucking exhausted to resist. He'd be gone after this anyway. "P-please...please…please...pl—please..."

If this was a movie, Jimin would forgive Jeongguk, forget that he was ever hurt, forget everything that happened and start all over again. The thing was, it wasn't. This was reality and reality wasn't always sweet. It was harsh and unforgiving. It stripped Jimin of the remaining happiness he had in him, robbed Jimin of the remaining love and respect he had for himself.

Happy endings weren't true; they weren't as grand as what he had heard from fairytales nor were they as easily achieved as to how they appeared in movies. Happy endings were an illusion.

Jimin had spent so much time trying to love and accept himself for who he was and what he had. Jeongguk came along and made everything easier; he made Jimin love himself. He completed Jimin. He made Jimin happy but he also single-handedly broke Jimin's heart that he had tried so hard to build and killed him in the process.

And perhaps that was the problem. You should be whole just by yourself. No one was supposed to complete you because if that someone vanished, a part of you would cease to exist. And you would live as one half of a whole, forever incomplete.

Please make the pain go away… please, it hurts.

Jimin walked away, dragging his feet on the bumpy road. It was cold and dark, just like the insides of his heart. His head hung low as he walked in the direction of their house, just hoping he was right. He let the tears slip from his red-rimmed eyes, his shoulders trembling. 

He tried his hardest not to think of Jeongguk. Tried his hardest to pretend that Jeongguk wasn't there, trailing behind a few feet away. 

Jimin stopped going to school after that, he couldn't face anyone, not after what happened, the semester was about to end anyway. After his parents saw his state that night (unluckily, they were still up. Jimin went home earlier than he’d wanted) they had been convinced to move out, much to Jimin's relief. He wanted to get out of this town, he wanted to forget there was ever this town with Jeongguk in it.

Jimin had nothing to do with the old and unused stuff, so he threw out everything he didn't need anymore to kill time and save himself the trouble of packing for when they moved out.

Jimin left the small neighborhood two weeks later. He would surely miss the memories he had made there, but he earnestly wished to forget. 

Jimin wanted to forget the pain. He wanted to be free of the self-hatred he had locked himself in. He wanted to breathe again, and if being able to breathe meant letting go of Jeongguk, then he would do it. 

Jimin hoped Jeongguk knew it wasn't easy for him. 

But this time, he was choosing himself.

To: Jimin 

I don't know if this is still your number or if you blocked my number, but I wanted to tell you how much I've been missing you. There isn't a day I haven’t.

You left two years ago, and it broke me, I miss you every single day. I know, I don't deserve to be sad. You probably hate me, I understand. I deserve it. I'm an asshole. I did nothing but hurt you, burden you, and I am so sorry. You deserve so much more because you're an angel. You're my angel.

I'm so sorry for all the pain I caused you. I truly am. I know there's no use telling you this, but you deserve to know: My dad started hurting me when he found out about us. It happened every day. He told me to stay away from you or else he'd send me away, or worse, hurt you. I was so scared. I stayed away, ignored you. I could've just told you, I know. Instead, I told you I'll come back even though I wasn't sure, and I let you hope.

I don't know how, but the school found out, so I lied. I let them bully you, hurt you, and I hate myself so much for letting them do that to you, for causing that. It was my fault. I was weak and selfish. I hate myself.

I'm so sorry for not being able to give you the love you deserve. I regret everything. I wish I could turn back time and re-do everything. If only I could. 

You are the most beautiful person I have ever met, inside and out. You have such a big heart. 

You are my happy pill, my sunshine, my everything. No one will ever compare to you. You will always have my heart. 

I wish I could hear your voice again. I wish I could see your face again. I wish I could hold your hands again and play with your cute fingers. I wish I could kiss you and touch you. I miss you so much, it's killing me every day when I think of the shit I put you through. 

But I hope you're happy, I really do. 

I love you so much, my angel.

I'll wait for you.

-Jeongguk

Jimin had discarded his phone a few weeks back before he had moved out of the town. It was old, tacky and useless anyway.