Work Text:
Saved by the bell. Mashiho sighed in relief once he heard the familiar ringing echoing across the halls. Few seconds later and it got drowned by the noise of students chattering, all too happy with the dismissal of classes. The teacher signaled him to sit down and talked about a few announcements which he doubts anyone will remember once they leave school grounds. He fetched his phone from his pocket and sent a message to Jihoon.
‘You free right now?’
Today is particularly hard. He's not sure if it's because of the examinations, the graded recitations, or his friends not being there with him today. The stress he accumulated that day is too much to bear.
Mashiho glanced around to see his classmates scurrying to leave, it's a Friday night after all. Coherent mumblings about their future whereabouts reached Mashiho's hearing but he shrugged them off and started putting his things together. If all goes well, he gets his own destination for tonight too.
His phone lit up upon receiving a message.
‘Sure. What's up?’
‘I need you.’ His palms began producing beads of sweat as soon as he sent his reply. Sitting on the edge of his seat, his feet tapping the floor in a continuous manner while he hold onto his phone as if it holds the answer to the world's problems. Or his problems, at the very least.
The reply came almost immediately, ‘Where are you? Want me to pick you up?’
‘No need. Are you at the dorm?’
He was gone as fast as a lightning once he got the confirmation from the other. Only a few are left on the hallway, one wouldn't even think it was packed with students just a few minutes ago. His legs were trembling as he walk his way downstairs, cursing at whoever it was that decided to assign his class to the building farthest from the university gates. He passed by a few acquaintances on the field, not bothering to greet them as he was in a hurry. He was sure they would understand.
He was nearing the gates when he caught sight of a certain red-haired guy leaning casually on a car. The figure stood straight when he saw Mashiho and waved at him, flashing a smile anyone can see even from a distance. Mashiho felt the load on his chest lighten upon seeing the familiar smile.
“I told you not to pick me up.” Mashiho rolled his eyes at Jihoon. The older chuckled in response and reached for his backpack which Mashiho gladly gave him. It wasn't even heavy but he felt like it contained the stress he accumulated the whole day and he was too tired to argue about it. If anything, he was grateful Jihoon is such a gentleman to look out for him.
“You just wanted to lean on that car didn’t you?” Mashiho squinted his eyes on the older, “You were feeling it!”
“I looked great with it anyway, didn't I?” Jihoon winked and Mashiho rolled his eyes at the older for the second time that day. They started walking farther away from the university. Jihoon's dorm is only two blocks away from his university so it didn't surprise him that the older got there quickly.
“Is your roommate here?” Mashiho asked Jihoon while the older fumbled for his keys to unlock the door.
It has always been a miracle how out of the multiple times he had spent the night at Jihoon's place, he hasn’t met the person even once. The guy is, surprisingly, always spending the night somewhere else as if sensing that Mashiho was coming over. Or Mashiho could've met him that one time, if only he wasn't deep in his slumber. Coincidence or not, he thanked the roommate for having a very active lifestyle, giving him the chance to spend more time with Jihoon.
Jihoon shook his head, “He told me he's going to spend the night on a friend's,” the older opened the door and led him in. “So I guess we have the whole place to ourselves tonight.”
The corner of Jihoon’s lips lifted up to a smirk when he said that. The look wasn't new to Mashiho. He knew all too well what that meant and it didn't fail to send shivers down his spine every time.
Both of them hurriedly got rid of their shoes and in a split second, Mashiho was onto Jihoon, grabbing the older by the back of his head making him lean down. Mashiho took that opportunity to capture the older's lips with his'. It wasn't in any way gentle, in fact, it was the opposite. No one would think that the smaller guy could get this demanding just to sate his need for intimacy.
Without breaking the kiss, they moved further inside the place, landing on a couch and settling there. Mashiho immediately found his place on Jihoon's lap, devouring the older's mouth like a hungry lion. His hands made its way on the sides of the Jihoon's head, holding the older in place while he explored the inside of his mouth. The kiss was sloppy, drool leaking from the corner of his lips but he didn't care. And the other didn't seem to care either.
A whine escaped from his lips when the older parted with him.
“Easy there lion. We've got a lot of time tonight.” Jihoon was smirking, mocking him. He wiped the drool on his cheeks all while looking intently at Mashiho. The younger cursed in his head, that was hot and he'd be stupid not to acknowledge it.
“How about we use that time making out instead of having this stupid conversation Ji?”
And true enough, Jihoon didn’t waste any time. Jihoon flipped their position, making Mashiho look even smaller beneath him. They silently thanked the layers of fabric separating them because the heated contact of their bare skin was a pain to bear. Jihoon placed his lips on top of the other's, planting soft kisses this time, almost teasing the needy man beneath him. Mashiho's whines turned into soft moans when Jihoon slowly made his way down the other's jaw, and further down his throat sucking a small part of his skin and only letting go when a purplish bruise appeared on it, engraving a sinful mark on the other's skin.
Jihoon made his way back onto the other lips, making Mashiho gasp for air before indulging in the older's kisses. Jihoon bit his lower lip, getting an opportunity to slid his tongue in when Mashiho let out a breathy groan. Their tongues touched, circling and playing inside each other's mouth, tasting the sweet flavor of making out. Each second that passes by fueling their burning desire. It wasn't long until Mashiho gave in, succumbing to Jihoon and letting himself be swayed by the other man. Jihoon found his way onto the other's tongue, sucking it and feeling the familiar softness against his lips.
It was Jihoon's touch that drives Mashiho crazy. The way he places his hands on Mashiho's hips, caressing the skin beneath the fabric and the occasional heaviness of his thumb digging deeper that makes his knees tremble in pleasure. He grabbed a handful of Jihoon's hair, moaning against his lips when the sensation got to a point where he couldn't handle it anymore.
The little acts of sweetness that never failed to make Mashiho feel needed and protected at the same time. And boy, how he liked it. To feel the other getting desperate for him, for his affection. And him, he has always been on the receiving end of everything Jihoon willingly gives him. The kisses, the touch, the care. One call is all it takes and Jihoon will magically appear in front of him.
It took all of his remaining strength to push Jihoon off of him.
“Ji.” Mashiho peeked through the bathroom door and saw Jihoon munching on some snacks with his eyes glued at the television.
“Jihoon.” He repeated. This time, the older looked at him.
They gazed at each other for a while, unconsciously starting a staring contest. It was Mashiho who first looked away. The coldness of the water starting to dry on his back and the embarrassment of staring at someone while naked, although the other can't see him, was enough to feel his blood rushing to his cheeks, warmth spreading across his face.
He looked away and mumbled, “Can you hand me a towel?”
“I can, but will I?” He can hear the mocking tone on the Jihoon's voice.
Rolling his eyes for the nth time that day, he said, “Just hand me the damn towel Ji.”
Jihoon laughed at him and he could swear he heard an orchestra of angels playing for him. Few seconds before he found himself laughing at their silly banter too.
“Hey, your hair is dripping.”
“Huh?”
He heard Jihoon's tsk before he got pulled down onto the floor, sitting and trapped in between Jihoon’s thighs. A towel and a pair of hands should feel heavy in his head but instead it managed to relax his nerves. And once he realized what Jihoon was doing, a certain muscle organ in his chest started acting a bit abnormally.
And there, in that place, everything felt right. Like he had always belonged there. Like the place was made for no one else but him. A big pair of arms taking care of him, every touch being sent directly to his heart, warmth spreading across his chest. And then suddenly, the warmth was becoming too much for him to bear, squeezing his heart until it hurts. Everything isn't right at all, nothing is.
It should have been someone else in his place. Someone more deserving than he is. Someone who does not only call Jihoon to relieve a pent-up stress like he does. Someone who will treat Jihoon the same way he takes care of Mashiho. Someone who can love him not only because it is convenient for him but because… he truly does love him.
And he wishes to be that someone. But he knows he can't be. Not in this lifetime, no. The way they started out and the way they are right now doesn't permit him to be so. The moment they realized what they were doing was the moment they acknowledged that everything they do is already a second too late to turn things back anymore. And so they bathed in each other's arms, committing a sin no one predicted would hurt the both of them.
“Why are you so quiet?” Jihoon asked him.
He cleared his throat before answering, “What, you want me to be loud while you shake the hell out of my head?”
Jihoon laughed at him and made a mess out of his almost dry hair, “Why are you so grumpy today?”
“Why are you asking too many questions?”
“Okay, okay. I'll stop now babe.” His heart did a little flip inside his ribcage when he heard what the other called him but he brushed it off, “Anyway, it's still early. Movie?”
“Movie.”
Jihoon doesn't need to know how fucked up he is inside.
“So you're telling me,” Junkyu continued chewing his food, earning a disgusting look from Mashiho, “You have a friend that has a fuck buddy?”
“They didn't fuck Kim Junkyu. Not even once, for Christ’s sake.” Mashiho rolled his eyes at his friend who was putting more cake in his mouth than he could take.
“And how do you know that?” Junkyu raised an eyebrow at Mashiho, eyeing him with suspecting looks. It’s a surprise Mashiho was even able to understand what his disgusting friend said in between his chewing. Junkyu gets really messy when eating and it irks Mashiho every time he tries to speak with his mouth full. He'd throw the man out the window if only it wasn't his actions that led them to this situation right now.
“My friend told me.” The devils must be rejoicing by how well Mashiho can lie through gritted teeth.
As soon as their classes were finished, Mashiho dragged Junkyu to a nearby café, the only place he was sure Junkyu would willingly get dragged to. He had to treat the cheapskate man to make him stay but Mashiho didn't mind the small price to pay. He needs to hear what Junkyu has to say about the thing that's been bugging him for almost three weeks now. Although he had to alter some parts of his story, disguising himself as a ‘friend'. Cheap trick, he knows. But he couldn't think of anything else.
Junkyu, thankfully, swallowed down his food before speaking, “Your friend is stupid.”
“Stupid? What?” This time, it was Mashiho's turn to raise an eyebrow.
“Why do you sound so offended bitch? You wanted my opinion on this.” Junkyu took a sip from his iced tea, maybe a little too loud for Mashiho's liking but nothing he can't bear.
“Whatever. Continue.”
Junkyu didn't bother putting another spoonful of cake in his mouth. Mashiho almost got nervous when Junkyu looked intently at him, as if seeing through his façade. He returned the scrutinizing look the man was giving him, determined to distract the man from the truth. He's getting too good at faking things that even he is starting to believe it's true.
“As I've said, your friend is stupid. First of all, he did what? Stop in a middle of a fucking session just because he realized his feelings which, by the way, he should've known way earlier for his fuck buddy? Uh, hello? If that was me, I'd wait to be fucked good first before I drown myself in those dramatic thoughts.” Junkyu rolled his eyes, feeling frustrated at the non-existing ‘friend' of Mashiho.
“Junkyu! They were just making out, MAKING OUT. Why do you like the word ‘fuck' so much?”
“Second of all,” Junkyu proceeded, completely brushing him off. “The fuck buddy obviously likes him.”
Mashiho became still for a moment. The thought of Jihoon liking him back didn't even occur to him. Or maybe it did, but he didn't entertain those thoughts, not wanting to get his hopes up high only to be let down. Hearing those words from another person is different though.
“He always appear whenever this friend of yours calls? Not everyone will do that. He picks your friend up even when told not to? Means he wants to spend more time. He carries his bag and dries his hair even though your friend can do it himself? Too domestic for my liking but let's check that off the list. And most importantly,” Junkyu squinted his eyes at Mashiho.
Mashiho cleared his throat, “Most importantly?” His voice may have sounded a little softer than the usual, anticipating Junkyu's next words.
“Based on your story, the man sounds too sweet to take advantage of anyone.”
Mashiho tilted his head in confusion, “Which means?”
Junkyu let out a deep sigh and pat Mashiho on his back before proceeding, “I didn't know you were this dumb but do you really think this fuck buddy of yours will just go around making out with someone he doesn't even like?”
“What— I told you it's my friend.”
“Come on, bitch. I admit I’m dumb sometimes but something like this isn't hard to figure out. How long have we been friends already? I know all the people around you. And no one in our circle of friends is capable of having a fuck buddy. You're the only bitch in there. Well, aside from me.”
Mashiho felt the embarrassment catching up to him after being caught red-handed by Junkyu. He wanted to dig a hole for himself and hide there until the time Junkyu possibly forgets what just happened. Blood rushed to his cheeks, tinting it with a light shade of pink which happens only when talking about a certain person.
“Do you really think he likes me?” If he's going to embarrass himself, might as well do it in one take.
“Duh. When was I wrong? You’re dumb but I trust your taste in men. He definitely likes you. Now stop being a gross hopeless romantic in front of me and go get your man.” Junkyu rolled his eyes at him but Mashiho knew it was Junkyu's way of supporting him.
Mashiho entertained himself by watching the people through the glass window of the café. The sun was high up but no one seemed to mind it, all too focused on walking their own path. Today is a bustling day at the city too. He glanced at his phone not placed far away from him, waiting for it to light up. The tip of his nails must have regressed already judging the way he aggressively taps on the wooden table.
He had sent a message to Jihoon half an hour ago and up until now, he still hasn't received a reply. The man usually doesn't take this long to get back at him and every minute that passes by is making him more anxious. He picked up his phone and looked at the last message he sent.
‘When are you free, Ji? Can we meet up?’
He bit his lower lip. Is it alright? Should he have just straight up told the man to meet him? Jihoon was never not free for him after all.
After thinking thoroughly last night, about different things but mostly about the one Junkyu told him, he had deemed cowardice as nothing but a burden to him. Taking the risk is better than wallowing in sorrow and regret of not telling Jihoon about what he really feels. And well, if Junkyu turns out to be wrong, then fuck it. There's nothing else he can do about that.
He glanced back and forth between his phone and the people passing by outside. And just as when he was thinking of sending Jihoon another message, his phone lit up.
‘Hey. Sorry for the late reply, I'm kind of busy right now. If you want, we can meet up next week?’
A part of him felt relieved upon seeing the message, maybe he really wasn't as ready as he thought he was. The other part… he sighed. To say he wasn't disappointed would be a lie. He had hoped Jihoon would just say, ‘Sure. What's up?’ like what he usually does. But he tried to understand, Jihoon must be really busy right now.
Mashiho downed what remained in his cup and was planning to get up when the bells chimed throughout the café and the door revealed the man he had wanted to see goofing around with someone else, maybe a little too adorably.
The twisting of Mashiho's stomach came almost immediately upon seeing the pair. He followed them with his eyes, seeing them take their place at a table very much visible to him. The sound of Jihoon's laughter reached his ears, they must be talking about something really funny. Sure, he had heard Jihoon laugh multiple times. But it never sounded this joyful. He clutched onto his stomach, feeling the way jealousy starts creeping up on him.
He should get up now, leave while he still can. But something is keeping him seated in his chair, silently watching the two while he hears how his heart shatters with every smile Jihoon gives the other man.
Jihoon is indeed busy, he can guarantee that. Busy with another man. Junkyu was wrong after all. He was a fool to believe even for a second that Jihoon feels the same way about him. A real fool when all he see is how Jihoon ruffles the man's hair, squish his cheeks, and lean closer—he had to look away. Seeing them having fun is already enough torture for him, he doesn't need to see them kiss.
So when he heard Jihoon's name slip past the barista's lips, he quickly gathered his things and got up, the time to leave is now. He had to pass by their table before reaching the door but what is a few steps to take towards freedom?
Unfortunately, it is everything. And he only realized that when he fell flat on his face right in front of their table. The man with Jihoon immediately got up from his seat to help Mashiho but he was too stubborn to let him. When he stood up, he was faced with the man he wanted to get away from.
“Mashiho?” Jihoon looked surprised to see him there.
And there it was again, the coiling in his stomach. He felt how tears pooled in his eyes seeing the man up close. He was reminded of how he got his hopes up high by believing a lie that seemed soothing at that time. And although it was a dumb move, he pushed Jihoon away and left him dumbfounded in that place.
The pain is worse than he had expected. He had been bawling his eyes out for hours in the doorway, unable to get up since he plopped down on the floor, hugging his knees together. No matter how much he tried to muffle his cries, broken sobs of anguish still slipped past his lips.
Mashiho knew it's no use wallowing in self-pity, crying over someone who's not even aware of the way he is suffering. If only he can tell himself to stop but no, he felt the world weighing down on him. He had always been protected by his little bubble of illusion and now that the bubble had popped, he is faced with the harshness of reality.
He forced himself to stand up and dragged himself towards the window, the floor felt cold on his feet but it doesn't compare to the coldness he feels inside. The night breeze welcomed him when he opened the window. He had always loved looking at the city skyline because the lights made him feel alive. But at that moment, he hated how beautiful it looked.
Three succeeding knocks is what snapped him out of his deep thoughts. He eyed the door suspiciously, wiping the tears that remained in his eyes before proceeding towards it.
“Mashiho?” He felt his body stiffen upon hearing the familiar voice, he'd recognize that voice from anywhere.
“Go away, Ji.” His voice cracked, followed by a stream of tears falling from his eyes again.
“Open the door, Mashiho. Let's talk.” Jihoon answered from the other side of the door.
“We don't have anything to talk about.”
“Mashiho—”
“I said go away Jihoon!” He leaned weakly on the wood, holding onto the doorknob for support. He's being stubborn and he knows that. But seeing Jihoon right now would only cause him nothing but a bigger heartbreak.
He was surprised when the door opened, revealing the man he so wished to avoid.
“You gave me a spare key, remember?” Jihoon held the keys on air, the dangling sound ringing inside of Mashiho's head.
Mashiho moved as fast as he could but Jihoon's reflexes were better. He quickly wedged a foot inside when Mashiho tried to close in on him, causing it to be trapped between the frame and the door, a loud yelp escaped from Jihoon.
Mashiho became startled and immediately let go of the door, not wanting to hurt the older further. He walked inside, the older trailing behind him after slamming the door shut.
“You pushed me away earlier.”
Mashiho stopped in his tracks, “I did.” He bit his lower lip, a habit he must have unconsciously formed from being around Jihoon too much.
“Why?” It must be his ears playing tricks on him, Mashiho thought. Jihoon sounded so helpless when he said that. Like everything is tiring him out, draining every energy he has left in his body.
“It's none of your business,” Mashiho answered, still his back facing the older.
“It is my damn business!” Mashiho jolted at the sudden outburst, it’s the first time Jihoon is anything but a fluff ball of sunshine for him. Jihoon paused, “Especially when you were looking at me as if I've done something that hurt you. Now tell me, did I?” Jihoon asked in a defeated tone.
He finally faced the older, streaks of tears still evident on his face, “Stop this Ji.”
The older tilted his head in confusion, his nose crunched and his brows furrowed. It must be how he looks when annoyed, he got Jihoon to be annoyed at him. At least he gets to see a different side of Jihoon before parting with him, Mashiho smiled weakly at the thought.
“Stop what?”
“Stop acting like you care for me,” a faint smile formed on his lips, “It does nothing but hurt me.”
Jihoon scoffs, “You mean I can't even take care of you? Why does that hurt you, huh? Because if you won't explain it to me, I’d think that it's ridiculous—”
“I know it's ridiculous!”
“Then tell me why!”
“It's because I love you!” The words slipped past his lips before he could even stop it, “Every time you take care of me I—I can't help but fall deeper in love with you. Deep inside of me I hope that the kisses we shared meant something else to you, that maybe it made your heart flutter the way it did with mine. But now I know you'll never feel the same way about me.”
Jihoon remained silent, obviously trying to process the new information presented to him.
“The only thing I get from loving you is heartbreak, Ji. And if loving you more means I’d lose myself in this heartbreak then I don't want it anymore,” Mashiho paused and heaved a deep sigh before finally letting out the words that would hopefully set him free, “I want to be out of this setup already, please let me go.”
Silence.
A long deafening silence.
“What about me then? What about what I want? What if I don't want you to move on from me? What if—what if I want you to continue loving me?”
“What—”
Jihoon closed in the gap between them and enveloped Mashiho in a warm, tight hug, “I love you too.”
The words rang inside his head. He must've heard wrong. Jihoon couldn't have possibly just confessed to him.
“You could hear it right? My heart beating just for you.” It should've been impossible but Jihoon held him tighter, his voice shaking in nervousness.
He could, it sounded so alive, so comforting. But he didn't want to believe it, not when he still have questions running around his head.
Mashiho pulled apart, “You love me? Why? How?”
“Why? I don't know. How? I think it's the same with you. Being with you, seeing you smile… it completes my day. Hearing you laugh is enough to rid me of stress. Whenever you're not around, I always find myself looking for you. I go crazy thinking you're with somebody else, doing the things we do. I just want to be around you, every day and every night.” Jihoon reached out for Mashiho's hands, looked intently at his eyes and declared once more, “Mashiho, I love you.”
The pair of round brown orbs looked thoroughly at him, mirroring the sweet honest words that just came out of the older's mouth. Mashiho felt his cheeks heating up when it hit him, Jihoon loves him!
Mashiho looked away, “What about the man you're with earlier then?”
Jihoon thought for a moment, recalling the earlier event, “Doyoung? He's my brother.”
“But you kissed him! I saw you leaning closer to him… before I looked away.” Mashiho pouted, his cheeks puffy.
Jihoon cooed at how adorable Mashiho looked, “Silly, dust got into his eyes, I just blew it off. I'd only kiss one person and you know who that is.”
“I don't,” Mashiho said and immediately felt the older's lips pressed against him. It was a soft one, unlike any other they've shared. Their feet felt light on the floor, and the pain that clouded their hearts earlier were suddenly gone. The kiss was a fleeting yet blissful moment, a smile evident on their lips even when they parted.
Foreheads pressed together, Jihoon asked, “Any other questions?”
Mashiho shook his head and wrapped his arms around the older, dragging him on to the couch. They stayed there, cuddled up. Jihoon wrapped his arms around Mashiho’s shoulder and planted a kiss on his head, “Don’t do that anymore. I was so scared. I thought I was going to lose you.” Jihoon lifted Mashiho's chin before leaning down to share another gentle kiss with the man he loves.
And Mashiho, he smiled. Why wouldn't he? His heart is happy. With eyes shut, he let himself be lulled by the comforting sound of the older's heartbeat.