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Atsumu is six years old when he discovers what a soulmate is: his teacher explained it in class when someone, he doesn’t even remember who, asked her. Osamu shruged and said he didn’t care about soulmates, but then again Osamu only cares about eating onigiri.
Atsumu though is sparkling with curiosity: as soon as they come home he runs to his room and doodles the messiest “hi” on his arm. Then he waits for an answer.
***
Sakusa is six years old when he finds a hellish doodle in his arm that he cannot wash away: doesn’t matter how much he rubs, how much soap he uses, there’s a ink stain on his arm and he can’t make it go away and he just doesn’t understand what he’s doing wrong.
Not even his mother, whom he runs crying to, manages to gain results. But she doesn’t worry as much as him, instead she lovingly smile while explaining that was his soulmate, trying to talk to him. She says he doesn’t have to answer, if he wish not to and Sakusa feels relieved. Getting all dirty and not knowing when he’ll be able to wash it away it’s not a thrilling idea.
***
Sakusa is sixteen years old and tomorrow he’ll play the final match in the Interhigh tournament. He hasn’t though about his soulmate in years, and why would he do that? It’s just an old story his mother loves to tell when she wants to embarrass him. The only thing he got out of that it’s an obsession for cleanliness and the strong will to control every aspect of his life: he doesn’t like dust, nor stains, nor mess, because he has everything under control. He has everything under control and there are no doodle he can’t erase.
Therefore he feels pretty much downhearted when, right before going to sleep, he notices a “Hey” on the back of his hand. He knows he can’t cancel it, he knows it’s useless rushing to bathroom and he tries to calm his breath, not to think about it, because he may be allucinating and when he’ll open his eyes the writing will be gone.
Breathe in, breathe out.
He shuts his eyes, counts up to ten and when he opens them the writing really is gone.
Maybe he really was allucinating, maybe he was too nervous. Even though he never is nervous before a match, because he trusts his abilities as well as his team.
It’s a matter of seconds. He’s about to lay in bed, since he needs to be well rested, when he notices: some very messy kanjis written where there was nothing before. Sakusa yelps, defeated, and Komori looks at him worried.
«I’m fine», he says, fetching a pen and thinking frantically where to go. There’s no way he’ll lock himself in the bathroom, not after a bunch of teenagers used it to shower. He ends up standing in the hallway, undecise on what to do, staring restless at the words, who finally seem to be fading.
I dunno why ‘m writing, appears. Maybe I’m nervous.
Sakusa should find the courage to firmly ask not to write him anymore. Never again, possibly. He should do it. Wheter it’s about his soulmate or not doesn’t really matter. He’s actually about to do it when the words disappears, replaced by others.
Tomorrow I’m gonna play in the highschool volleyball tournament final.
Sakusa stares confused at the message. He’d like to think that’s a joke, but it just can’t be. Maybe he should say me too. Maybe he’s one of his teammates. Maybe he’s someone on the rival team. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t like not knowing. Therefore he doesn’t write me too, but good luck and hopes to have no answer. Then he masters enough calm to get into the bathroom and remove his own words.
The morning after, at breakfast, he tries to look for clues in his own team, but everyone’s nervous, of course. Not even carefully studying the rival team brings results. After winning the game and celebrating victory, he has nothing to do but wait. Maybe he’ll write again. Maybe he’ll say he won so Sakusa will look among his teammates. Maybe he’ll say he lost and he’ll know and doesn’t have to worry about a soulmate who live in some far away town in Kansai – Sakusa doesn’t even want a soulmate to begin with. He doesn’t know what to do with it: he didn’t choose to have one and therefore he couldn’t have any control over it.
Luckily – unfortunately? He couldn’t really tell – nobody tries to reach for him.
***
I was scouted for the All-Japan training camp.
As soon as Sakusa wakes up, he thinks there’s a giant bug on the back of his hand. He jumps out of the bed, terrified, but he knows chances of such big bug in Tokyo are low. He also knows there were no bug in his room last night, and he knows he slept with his windows locked – it’s still winter, after all.
He snorts and stares upset the message on his hand, hoping it disappears quickly. Go away. Go away. Go away, he thinks, walking circles in his room. If he doesn’t look at it, it’s like it’s not there. But Sakusa knows it’s there, he knows it’s there and he can’t erase, he can do anything but-
When realization hits him, he wishes to slap himself. Of course. Of course, the first time he wrote he wasn’t expecting an answer, so he deleted everything immediately. But since he had been so stupid to answer, now he was waiting for his message to come through.
He could say something very rude. Or maybe something extremely mean, like I couldn’t care less, or maybe be honest and beg to be left alone. But. But, uhm, he’d feel guilty, because whoever is on the other side can’t possibly know he’s doing something so annoying and most definetely doesn’t know he gave him so much trouble when he was a child.
Maybe one day he will get it back to him – maybe soon, since he was scouted as well. Meantime he just writes congratulation, then rushes to the bathroom to wash everything.
***
Atsumu Miya is the most annoying being who ever lived. He is also, much likely, his soulmate and for this very reason Sakusa has all the intention to stay the fuck away from him. Besides, he has more important business to mind, for instance who could possibly be strong enough to beat Wakatoshi-kun. That could be an actual problem, even though Kageyama-kun doesn’t look so threatening, on his own – he doesn’t even look like someone who could beat Wakatoshi-kun, but he did it anyway.
Atsumu Miya is exactly how he looks like: he’s arrogant, he’s over confident, but as much as it pains him to say, he has actually enough talent to be both, which only makes him more annoying. He can barely believe he was nervous a few months ago, at the Interhigh. Maybe he lied.
A week should pass by fast enough, and yet Miya seems to be everywhere he is, no matter what he’s doing: having breakfast with Komori, having lunch with Komori, having dinner with Komori, going to the bathroom, getting out of the bathroom, going to sleep. Maybe he can sense he’s being avoided – just like dogs when they smell you’re afraid: they keep coming closer to show you there’s nothing to be afraid of. Sakusa is not afraid, though. And dogs stink.
Sakusa usually tries to have as little contact as possible with all the other guys, spending that little free time they have alone in his room, hoping to be left on his own, avoiding germs, bacteriums, dirt that could be in the hotel. But right now he really needs their training program, because his mother offered to come and get him in order for him not to use the subway, so he needs to tell her when to pick him up. He just can’t find that program anywhere, though. So he has to go and get Komori.
Sakusa knows Komori is a really nice guy: he leaves him alone when asked, he makes sure he’s not upset by too much mess and confusion, and he sure socializes for the both of them. For this exact reason Sakusa finds him chatting cheerfully with some of the other athlets – with Atsumu as well, of course. Sakusa just has to go closer, grab Komori and rush back to his room. Not that hard, but he’s tempted to just go back.
As he gets closer, he can’t help but listen to their conversation. Obviously, they’re talking about soulmates. This fucking story seems to haunt him: most people don’t even care about having a soulmate, everyone can live perfectly without a soulmate, but stupid teens don’t seem to grasp this very basic concept. He sighs. He’s a teen as well, but he’s much more interested in grasping a couple more information about Kageyama’s team. Kageyama, for instance – Kageyama is a zealous setter. He’s always worried about fixing his nails and practice as much as he possibly can and would definetely not worry about this nonsense. But Sakusa is stuck with Atsumu instead.
«What about you, Sakusa-kun?», Atsumu asks. He saw him listening, even if Sakusa is now trying to elude his look. «What do you know about your soulmate?»
I know he’s an idiot, he should say. Instead he shakes his head, gesturing Komori to follow him.
«Well, I-»
«I’m sure it’s very interesting, Miya, but we must leave now.», he says hastily, grabbing Komori’s jacket and pulling him away.
***
It’s not like they talk that much. Sure, Atsumu always tries to reach for him: he writes him when his team lose at the Spring Tournament – he says he cried, when he was sure nobody was looking at him. Just one afternoon later Sakusa lose as well, and he didn’t cry, but thought about telling him, for a brief moment. I play volleyball, too. I lose, too.
Then his jerky face comes to his mind, and he’s really not in the mood the let Atsumu make fun of him. Well, maybe Atsumu wouldn’t make fun of him, because there’s another Atsumu, beside the obnoxious jerk: someone who gets nervous before an official match, who gets excited when his value is publicly recognised, someone who cries when no one else’s looking – he’s still annoying, though. Just not a jerk. He somehow manages to come out as annoying even when he’s emotional.
He’s just too intense. Maybe all that intensity is what is bothering him. Sakusa always thought of himself as a calm and composed person – unless there are bugs around, no one could keep their composure with bugs around – while Atsumu has the need to give everything he’s got, wheter it’s about volleyball, being emotional or pestering his teammates. As he prefers hide in a corner, Atsumu always goes for the spotlight.
Sometimes he wondered – especially due to recent events – what makes two people soulmates: maybe someone out there was choosing people who couldn’t possibly be more distant while thinking: “Let’s pick them, maybe it’ll work. Maybe it won’t”, otherwise there was no way Atsumu Miya could be his soulmate. Nor he being Atsumu’s. Or maybe their just an error in a perfect cosmic system. Maybe in ten years he’ll look back and he’ll laugh about his young self being so doubtful. Or maybe he’ll think he was right.
***
Atsumu writes him when he becomes captain, and again when he argues with his brother, after he found out he’s not going to become a pro-player. Sakusa mostly just listens, sometimes he gives a piece of advice, sometimes he’d like to give him a pat on his shoulder, more often he wishes to slap him.
Atsumu never asked anything about him: maybe he really loves that much the spotlight, or maybe he respected boundaries Sakusa didn’t even know he set. Atsumu is just there, blabbering about whatever he’s thinking about and sometimes he doesn’t even wait for an answer – so most of the times he actually gets more then he asked for.
Sakusa is not growing fond of him. Just, since he started college, everything is more fun then studying. Even Atsumu and his bullshit are more interesting than the huge, boring book waiting for him at his desk. He promised his mother he would get a degree first, then pursue a career as a professional player, so now he’s just convinced he envies Atsumu. He already has a team, although he’s only a bench-warmer, for now. Volleyball is the only think he needs to focus on.
Maybe, when he makes his debut, he’ll go and watch him. Maybe Atsumu will be the one to ask him: not him, Sakusa Kiyoomi, former teammate on the national team, but his soulmate, whom he didn’t know a single thing about. Atsumu seems crazy enough to pull a number like that.
Sakusa huffs, staring at the ceiling. Maybe it’s time to open that damn book and start study. Maybe not. He simply can’t stop thinking about grabbing a pen to write him. He can study tomorrow, but he’ll probably won’t want to contact Atsumu for the next ten years.
I play volleyball too. In the college team., he writes.
Maybe this was a bad idea. This was definitely a bad idea, because this means removing boundaries and allowing him to make questions and evolving their relationship to a point he’s not sure he can bear. So he goes to the bathroom and washes away everything, ink and feelings he is sure don’t belong to him – Atsumu probably infected him. He scrubs his arm violently, cursing his boredom and whoever thought it was funny to set him up with Atsumu Miya.
Shut up! ‘s so cool! What position do you play?
What position do you want me to play?
He has to stop answering, he truly does, if only to convince himself that he doesn’t care at all about Atsumu Miya, but teasing him is so tempting that he just can’t resist.
Wing spiker, so you could hit my tosses.
Opposite hitter.
‘t was close! C’mon, just tell me what team you’re in! So at least I can come and watcha play!
Maybe Sakusa grew fond of him.
***
Atsumu never learnt what team he was in, no matter how many times he begged him to tell him, or how many time he proposed to practice together. He hasn’t learnt yet they’re currently playing in the same team. After graduation, he went to the Black Jackals try-out on a whim, but apparently being the MVP of the collegiate volleyball league earned him a reputation.
Playing with Atsumu is weird. It’s weird because everytime Atsumu tosses a ball his way, Sakusa jumps and hits without thinking twice, without studying the toss or analysing their rivals’ positions – he jumps and trusts Atsumu because that is literally the only thing his istinct tells him to do. He hates it, to be honest. This is not how he plays volleyball. When he tries to shut his istincts out, though, they desynchronize and he doesn’t even manage to touch the ball.
It’s so frustrating. Atsumu is frustrating too, with all those dumb nicknames he comes up with and all the space he manage to occupy and all that intimacy between them that does not exist and still he hopes to set up. Sakusa wishes he could slap him. Sometimes he wonders if this persistent desire to slap him is just a desperate way to touch him. Sakusa doesn’t want to touch him, especially since they’re always sweated and Atsumu doesn’t have any problem with sprawling himself on the gym floor as soon as practice is over.
«Omi-kun~, mind to tell me what’s yer problem?», Atsumu asks after a pretty shitty training session. They couldn’t deliver one single point. To think that it would be so easy if only he loosened up a bit. But loosening up implies accepting Atsumu as his soulmate and maybe as a partner and he’s not ready. Not even with all the time he had to get used to this thought.
He’s not even sure if Atsumu will want him as a soulmate (or a partner): Sakusa watched him closely and deduced he is a hopeless romantic, who strongly believes soulmates exist for a perfeclty valid reason. Atsumu told him once, after Sakusa revealed his volleyball career, they were meant for each other. But. But what if he changes his mind after learning his soulmate is the unbearable Sakusa Kiyoomi? Atsumu will change is mind, Sakusa is sure of that. It’s not like they’re anywhere near good terms.
«I don’t have any problem, Miya. Your tosses just weren’t accurate enough.» he explains shortly and he can’t help but feel a little guilty as Atsumu starts to look like a kicked puppy.
«That wasn’t my point. My tosses are always perfect.», he adds, truly offended. They stay quiet for a couple of second in the empty lockroom. Sakusa is always the first to shower and is also the first one who finish stretching. Atsumu sighs, indecided on what to day, then he glares at Sakusa, opens his mouth and then closes it. He looks like an upset goldfish.
«If you think my tosses need to be accurate, we can practice together. Gym’s available Monday afternoon.», Atsumu proposes. He smirks like he has just set a trap, as if every single cell in Sakusa’s body isn’t screaming for him to accept immediately.
«Monday’s our day off.», Sakusa objects.
«Well, it’s Monday or my shitty tosses.», he says, just one second before the lockroom is invaded by their teammates. They’re not as annoying as Atsumu, not all of them at least, but some can be even noisier.
«’Tsumu-san, ‘Tsumu-san, what were you guys talking about?», Hinata asks, still jumping. Hinata does nothing but jumping around. He’s always cheerful. He scores on every toss Atsumu sends his way. He calls Atsumu by his given name, which is more then he ever mastered to do, even if he’s never “Miya” in his mind. Therefore Sakusa wouldn’t be surprised if Atsumu had a thing for him – since he looks at Hinata like he’s a blessing, whereas there are only glares and smirks for him.
Sakusa is going to answer something like “Not your business”, or “Can we get a second question?”, or perhaps “Are we sure you got all your vaccines done?”, when Atsumu, who was indeed the one Hinata asked, quickly answer: «’s nothing! Nothing that matter anyway!»
Maybe Sakusa shouldn’t have grown fond of him.
***
«Why didn’t you want Hinata to know about this training?», Sakusa asks as soon as he see him. He’d like to say he wasn’t bothered by that. He’d like to say he didn’t ignored what Atsumu wrote him last night, but can’t, because just thinking about a scenario in which Atsumu is in love with someone else only confirms what Sakusa always believed about soulmates. Just random subjects for a cosmic joke. Not meant to be at all. He just wished he could have confirmed this sooner.
Atsumu becomes flustered.
«Miya, for God’s sake, don’t make a face like that.», Sakusa snarks. He looks like an idiot. He is an idiot.
«It’s because- uhm, ya know- uhm, and so i’d rather- uhg, because maybe then they’d-.»
«Don’t worry, Miya, it’s not like I’m going to tell him.», Sakusa says. How could he think of putting himself in such a place, he really can’t tell. He should find himself an agent, beg for a change of team and finally forget the goddamn story.
«Today I’ll prove you my tossed truly are the best!», he tells him, as they start pulling out the net. Sakusa groans. He knows already his tosses are the best. They’re the easiest to hit, if only you just jump and spike.
«Maybe you should relax.», Atsumu thinks, fetching some balls.
«And how could you help me relax?»
Atsumu gets flustered again. He shouldn’t find him so cute.
«Well, I- uhm, was thinking about- about something like breathing exercises? More stretching?»
«I’m not trying to hit on you, Miya, no need to react like that.»
Atsumu deflates like a popped balloon. It hurts so bad, knowing he’s so relieved by this news.
«I know, I know.», Atsumu explains, raising his hands like he’s not guilty.
***
Training on Monday afternoon turns almost into a pleasant habit: Sakusa doesn’t mind the extra practice, and surely doesn’t mind extra time with Atsumu, which truthfully is a problem, since he may confess his feeling for Hinata any second now. It’s like a time bomb threatening to blow up right to his face, like a cosmic joke in which he loses the soulmate he never wanted the exact moment he starts loving it.
«Have you ever thought about yoga?», Atsumu asks, showing the two yoga mats he brought with him. «With all those flexible joints of yours, it should be like a piece of cake for you.»
Sakusa should probably stop opposing to his istincts before the whole situation gets out of his hand. He just has to start spiking as decently in practice as he’s already doing during official matches – since he really doesn’t want his stubborness to get in the way of victory.
«Maybe you should just toss to me.», he simply answer, spiking a ball to Atsumu’s shoulder.
It’s easy, he tells himself. Breathe, jump, spike the ball. Trust him.
Trusting him hurts. Trusting him and putting aside his doubts, his fears, his pride, hurts. It hurts now more then ever, because he feels so betrayed, because everytime they’re with their teammates Atsumu is always laughing and joking around with Hinata, as he keeps distancing himself.
«D’you see, Omi-Omi? Told ya they were the best. Although you can already hit ‘em during matches, so i really don’t understand what’s bothering you.»
Sakusa just nods politely e hopes practice is over soon. Maybe if he told the truth, if Atsumu knew from the beginning he was the one getting covered in ink when he wrote his soulmate, thing would have been different.
When they become too tired to keep going, they declare practice over and get ready to leave. Sakusa is always the first to disappear, because he needs to be the first to go through the bathroom, sure, but mostly because spending so much time with Atsumu ends up hurting just as much as not spending time with him, or thinking he won’t spend his time with him – which is a scary reality, since Atsumu’s not in love with him.
He gets in his car and tries to turn it on. It doesn’t. He tries again. It still doesn’t turn on. Actually, he thought he was hearing strange noises, a few hours before, but he thought it would have been a problem for tomorrow. It’s not. Now he’s stuck in the gym parking lot and he has to take the subway to go back home.
Sakusa rests his head on the steering wheel, taking deep breaths. It’s okay, he can do it. Sure, he hates all sorts of public transporting, but he uses them from time to time. He’ll just have to throw himself in the washer as soon as he walks through the door.
Then he hears an annoying knock on his windows and sees Atsumu riding his bike. Sakusa growls, because nobody should be allowed to look this attractive in leather gloves and leather jacket. Atsumu has a smug smirk painted on his lips, because of course he knows he looks so good right now.
«What do you want, Miya?», he asks, lowering his windows.
«D’you need a ride?», he proposes, nodding to his motorbike.
No way, Sakusa tells himself, as he tries not to focus on how he actually needs a ride, or on how he would have accepted even if he didn’t need one.
«I can’t leave my car here.», he explains, «I’ll just call a tow truck and drop it to the nearest mechanic.»
«But then you’d still hafta take the subway. Maybe even a bus.», Atsumu objects, getting off his bike and getting out a second helmet.
Sakusa knows accepting is a bad idea. He also knows refusing is a bad idea. So he’s just there, halfway through, having a tons of good reasons to refuse and a ton of perfectly valid reasons to accept.
«C’mon», Atsumu adds, «I promise I’ll come and getcha tomorrow morning too.»
How can Sakusa decline such an offer?
«Thank you.», he reluctantly says. «I’ll still call a tow truck first, though.»
Waiting for the tow truck is unneverning. They both stay silent, Atsumu frantically typing at his phone and Sakusa walking in circles right in front of him. He should say something, but he already thanked him and doesn’t want to force him into an unwanted conversation. Sakusa could ask about Hinata, but he’s not sure he’d handle such a topic.
When Sakusa finally decides to look up, he sees Atsumu fiddling with a pen. As soon as Atsumu returns his gaze, he blushes and puts it away.
«You blush too much for being so cocky.», Sakusa reflects, before he can really control himself.
Atsumu scratch his neck, uncomfortable.
«I just thought we never talked much, the two of us.», he explains. «It’s awkward.»
Sakusa is about to snap that if he doesn’t want to be there, he can just leave. He proposed to give him a ride, after all. But there’s something in Atsumu’s look that suggest that is the wrong path to choose.
«Would you like to know me better, Miya?» he offers, hoping to be as much of a flirt as he can. Atsumu immediately looks away, scratching his neck embarrassed. Whatever he may want to answer has to wait, since the tow truck finally arrives, getting Sakusa’s car and leaving him a note with the number of the mechanic.
Then there isn’t much time for words, Atsumu just gives him the helmet and gets on his bike, waiting for him to follow.
«How many people wore this helmet?», Sakusa asks, as he starts to miss the subway.
Atsumu shows him his hands as he starts counting: «My brother, his boyfriend, Shouyou-kun, Bokkun, Meian-san, a couple of former teammates, some random girl I met in a club, my mother-», he turns back to check his reaction and he must seem pretty pale, because Atsumu hurries to specify: «’m joking, Omi-kun! I just bought the bike, and no one ever come with me because my drive is quite… reckless.»
«And you waited until now to tell me?»
Atsumu doesn’t answer, he just tells him to wear his helmet and give him some directions, from time to time. At first he’s so fast that Sakusa has no choice but hold as tight as he can to him. Atsumu laughs and Sakusa is sure a curse just escaped is mouth after a very sharp curve. And yet, after Sakusa gets used to the almost illegal speed, he can’t help but loving holding him so close, resting his chin on Atsumu’s shoulder and believing that’s it, that’s what it means to be soulmate, to be so perfeclty fit into one another on that very moterbike – it means he can touch him without thinking about slapping him, just putting his arms around his waist.
It should be scaring and it should be disgusting, because Sakusa’s not the one driving, he’s not the one controlling the route, even though he can tell where to go. Yet he’s trusting him, because he has no other choice, or maybe because he truly wants to.
When they finally arrives, literally in front of his entrance, Sakusa wishes he didn’t have to let go. He holds him a little longer, hands on Atsumu’s hips, face almost hidden into Atsumu’s neck. Atsumu giggles, he’s ticklish. Sakusa doesn’t know if this will happen ever again. He doesn’t know if it will happen once it’s too late and he already lost him. He doesn’t know if there’s still be hope, for them, if all that blushing actually means something or he’s just misreading signals.
He should tell him. He should tell him and get over this. He should tell him he’s his soulmate, that he’s been knowing for years, that he never told because he was scared. Will Atsumu get mad at him? Will Atsumu tell him he was selfish and mean? Will Atsumu break his heart by telling him he’s already in love with someone else? Even if his heart is to be broken, Sakusa will not show it. He’s still has his pride to protect.
«Omi-kun-», Atsumu starts after Sakusa gets off, but he stops him.
«Your driving isn’t reckless, Miya.», he says. «It’s just… cocky?»
«I can go slower, tomorrow, if you’d like.», Atsumu proposes, Sakusa knows that is a challenge hidden with a caring gesture. He knows Atsumu would like to hear he was so fast he scared him.
«You’re fine like this.», Sakusa says, before realising it. He wouldn’t even notice, if Atsumu hadn’t widened his eyes.
«Your driving», he corrects himself, a couple of second later, «Your driving is fine like this.»
«Yep. Sure thing.», Atsumu agrees, even though he looks like he’s not even listening.
«So, is 8.30 fine for you?», Sakusa asks, and Atsumu nods absentmindendly.
Sakusa takes advantage of this moment of distraction to quickly say goodbye and leave. He rushes at home, a safe place with no Atsumu Miya, where everything is under his control. When he locks his door, he can finally breathe. Something he think Atsumu infected him with all his stupid intensity. Well, Sakusa thinks, if he liked me, he would already told me.
It’s not long after he notices a few messages on the back of his hands.
Hey. There’s something i wanted to tell you. I think I’m in love. I feel guilty.
Sakusa growls, staring grudgingly at the message. He saw that coming, yes, but it still hurts. Especially since he was so close to tell the truth. He doesn’t want to know anything anymore. He doesn’t want Atsumu to write him this sorts of thing. Does he looks like a secret diary? Whenever there’s a problem, Atsumu is there to tell him. And he just stands there like an absolute moron, always listening, never having to courage to ask him to be left alone. Maybe after today he can. He can get rid of Atsumu and his messy handwriting, and of all those feelings he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to wash away.
Don’t be. How do they look like? Tiny and pretty?
Sakusa doesn’t know why he wrote that. Might as well blame his petty self. He just wants to express all the hatred he’s feeling right now. Atsumu said they were meant to be together when he didn’t know him at all. Atsumu showed him such a vulnerable, emotional side of himself that Sakusa wouldn’t in any other way believed to be sincere. Sakusa allowed him much more intimacy in those past few weeks then he ever did for people who knew him so much better and for so much longer. And he did so because his istincts were telling him to. Because he couldn’t control his own feelings. There, if only he was able to do that, to control his feelings instead of letting them grow wild and put roots, he wouldn’t be hurting.
He just wishes he could forget. If someone told him that next morning he’d have no memories of Atsumu Miya being his soulmate, Sakusa would sleep like a baby tonight.
Why do you think that? No, he’s tall. Taller then me. Sometimes I think he hates me.
Sakusa moves in slow motion: he peaks through the window and Atsumu is still there, leaning on his motorbike with a clearly stained hand. There is such a weird calm that suddendly surround Sakusa, as he curses his paranoic mind and all his doubts. When he finally writes an answer, taking his time, it almost doesn’t seem to be real.
Of course, he hoped for it. He hoped for it and almost believed for a few seconds. Now he can believe with just the same intensity as he did a couple of minutes before.
Wait for me.
He almost throws himself down the stairs, going down two steps at time, his heart beating so fast he fear it may explode. He had no such feelings, a couple of hours ago. He didn’t have them because he was scared Atsumu would turn his back on him any moment. He didn’t have them because he knew he couldn’t control them. Now there’s no reason to control them, though, now he has no reason to control anything ever again, nor message he can’t erase or feelings he can’t ignore.
He reaches the entrance door and waits. He hasn’t thought on what to say. Ha hasn’t thought on how he could tell why. Can he just says something like “Hey, congratulation, you fell in love with me without knowing I was your soulmate!”. He doesn’t know if he wants to kiss him. Or hug him. He doesn’t even check if Atsumu answered him, otherwise he’s not sure he’ll have enough resolution to go out.
Breathe in, breathe out.
He gets closer to Atsumu, who winces and calls his name. Sakusa ignores him, takes another breath and holds the pen in his hand with such strenght his knuckes whitens. Sakusa grabs his neck, he doesn’t ever hear whatever Atsumu is saying and barely writes a messy “Hi” on his cheek.
Sakusa bites his lips as he waits for Atsumu’s reaction: he widens his eyes, touching with hesitant fingers the same word on Sakusa’s cheek.
«Omi-kun…», he whispers and it sounds like a pray, like Atsumu’s praying him to tell him this is real and not a silly joke and Sakusa feels so tense he might split in half. Atsumu keeps brushing his cheek, delicate fingertips on Sakusa’s skin. Then Sakusa rest his forehead on Atsumu’s. Atsumu looks for his gaze, he’s about to say something, then he decides not to and kisses him instead.
***
Atsumu is 22 years old when he kisses his soulmate for the first time. To be honest, he dreamed about this for long, but never could have thought it was Omi-kun. He wasn’t even brave enough to hope for it, in the end.
Maybe he should be angry, because keeping such a secret for himself, for who knows how long, was playing dirty. Maybe he should say he is happy, the happiest he’s ever been, so happy he could die to know Sakusa is his soulmate. Although this should be clear from his reaction.
«Told ya, didn’t I? We were meant to be.», he brags in the end, as soon as he breaks away from Sakusa, needing air. Sakusa punches his arm and hisses annoyed, but from the look in his eyes is undeniable he’s thinking the exact same thing.