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I have always believed that in a relationship, someone always must do everything first. Someone must fall in love first, someone must fall out of it first. I always believed that a relationship is like climbing up a steep mountain. Someone should climb up first, once he's a couple (hundred) steps away from the bottom of the mountain, then his companion will follow along. He has to reach the peak first, he can wait there until his companion reaches the peak to. He can stay there as long as he wants. Unfortunately, since he has been there longer than his companion, he usually is the first one to go down the steep as well.
In (most) reality, someone falls in love first. Falling in love at the exact same time only happens in fairy tale. While someone is already in too deep, the other party just starts falling in love. Unfortunately, the one who fell in love first, has already reached the bottom, while the other half, is still savoring the best feeling ever.
I woke up this morning thinking of that. It's raining hard outside making it harder for me to detach myself from my bed. I was dreading to go out. I don't want to go out. I am still on a high, I don't want to come down yet. But what is the point of staying on top when the one you wanted to enjoy the view with, has already started going back to point zero.
"Where are you going?" my sister asked me. I went to the table where she is having breakfast and pour myself a glass of water. I need to prepare just in case I ran out of tears.
"I ahm," I heaved a deep sigh before looking straight into my sister's eyes, "I think Nayeon is breaking up with me today."
She didn't say anything after that. She nodded, offered me a ride going to the park to which I declined, and told me to call her if I need a ride home instead. I just nodded.
I put on another layer of coat, the ones that does not absorb rainwater, and a black umbrella. As I was walking to the bus stop, I received a text from Nayeon.
Jeong, I'm on my way. See you.
I wanted to go back. I thought, if I don't go there, she couldn't break up with me. I'd rather that option than meeting her in 15 minutes. But I am not selfish, I cannot be especially when it comes to Nayeon.
The pouring rain did not help. As I sat on the bus, looking over the window, my heart keeps recalling every moment I spent with her—from the first time we met, to the times she kept annoying me. I remembered how I started missing her when she stopped annoying me. That's when I admitted to myself that I like Nayeon.
Im Nayeon is one of the boldest people I know. We met on a Monday, and on Wednesday, she already told me she likes me, and she will make me hers. After almost half a year of chasing me, Nayeon finally got what she wanted. She got me wrapped around her finger. She helped me get out of my comfort zone. She supported everything I wanted to do, from cutting my hair short and dying it neon pink, to joining the women's football team of the campus. She was there when I had my first job interview, when I got hired and signed my contract. I remember treating her to a fancy dinner at a 5-star hotel after getting my first paycheck.
She never missed the mundane things that happened in my life as well. That one time my dog Nanan bit me, she was there with me while I was given anti-rabies shot. She always drove my friends and I whenever we go out for a drink.
There are also things I did for Nayeon that I never, in my life, thought I'd be doing. Once we got together, aside from kissing me, the first thing she told me to do is claim her on social media. So, in my Facebook. Twitter and Instagram account, my bio says the same thing: @imnayeonie's property.
@u_jeongyeon: when I said I'm carrying the world on my back, this is what I meant
Yoo Jeongyeon: 3 years with the love of my life! Im Nayeon, you still make me fall in love with you harder than I already am, every-fucking-day.
u_jeongyeon: shoutout to the person who gives the best kisses and warmest hugs. I love you more than Nanan and Bbosong!
On our first anniversary, I serenaded her. I had to convince Dahyun to teach me how to play the piano and the guitar. She cried so hard after my performance, and that night, we had the best sex of our young relationship. That night, I learned why they call it making love. I remember crying after we both came, because of pure elation.
Unfortunately, I had reached my drop off point. I saw Nayeon sitting at our bench. It's the first time she got in our meeting place first before me.
"Jeong," she raised her hand as if telling me to come to her already. I held the umbrella tighter, like how used to hold on to her hand, afraid of letting go.
We did not speak for five minutes. No one wants to start the conversation. I never want to utter a any word. Speaking will start the conversation I never wanted to take place anyway. Until Nayeon, of course, broke the silence.
"You know I loved you, right?" Loved. We are still together but she already loved me. I wonder when did she start going down the hill.
"But, I can only love you as much, Jeongyeon," she uttered carefully. As if every word when spit, will get through my heart. Every word she spit is like a dagger stabbing my heart.
"Every word before but is bullshit," I countered once I found my voice. She nodded as if agreeing (or understanding).
"You told me before, that love is a journey. That the first one to go up, is also the first one to go down," she reached my hand and squeezed it. "I got up first, Jeong, and now I am already at the bottom."
I stared at her. I stared at her hoping she could see in my eyes what my heart wanted to say. But it is not easy. Her eyes are no longer as bright as they used to be. The love that once was there was replaced with pity and guilt. How can she look at me like that? How can one look into the eyes of someone they love while hurting them? Oh, right. She loved me.
"When the fire that's fueling the love started to burn out, you should add more wood and fuel to keep it burning. You don't just put water to put it out immediately."
"I ran out of woods, Jeongyeon," a tear fell from her eye, "I ran out of woods to keep the fire burning." She bowed her head, hiding the tears that are continuously flowing out of her eyes, "I ran out of reasons to keep loving you."
The rain poured harder than it already is earlier. Simultaneous to the tears that are escaping from both our eyes. We are starting to get wet because of the wind that is blowing the raindrops towards us.
"Since when Nayeon?" I plead her.
"Three, four months ago? I cannot exactly remember, Jeong."
"You should have told me, Nayeon. You should've told me so then, I could've given you more wood and fuel to keep it burning—"
"I don't know Jeong, I tried, believe me, I tried saving this. But everytime I try to find a reason to keep loving you, all the more I realized I should let you go. Loving you no longer gives me pleasure, it feels like an obligation already.
Every day it feels like I am just loving you because we have been through a lot together, that I should continue loving you because we have been together for five years. And it shouldn't be like that Jeongyeon. It shouldn't be like that."
"Did I do something wrong? Is there anything I was supposed to do but did not do?" She shook her head. "Is there anyone else?"
She cried harder. And that is my cue. Cue that whatever I am trying to save, is a hopeless case. Cue that no matter how I beg for her to stay with me, she will still leave me. Leave me for someone else.
"I wish there is Jeong, I wish there is. So that I can easily blame this for being unfaithful to you," she denied, her voice is a little louder now that it was when we started this conversation. "But there is none. It's all on me, Jeongyeon."
I stayed silent, replaying every word she said in the past couple of minutes. It's weird. I know right after I received her text last night that Nayeon is breaking up with me. I tried to prepare myself for the impending heartbreak. But I guess, no amount of preparation will will ever make you ready to accept the fact that the love of your life, no longer loves you back.
"What happens after this?" I broke the silence, accepting that the moment I leave this park, I am also leaving Nayeon, leaving her out of my life.
"I am going to Japan, I accepted the company's offer there," I nodded my head. One last time Jeongyeon, try for one last time.
"I love you, Nayeon. I love you with all my heart," I held both of her hands and kissed them. "Don't do this." I can hear Chaeyoung scolding me at the back of my head Never beg someone to stay in your life. People don't leave from where they truly want to be.
"Jeong—"
"I'll wait for you baby, I'll wait until you're ready to be with me again. Oh god, Nayeon please," I was about to kneel in front of her when she stopped me. She held my face close to hers.
"You will find someone better than me—"
"You're already the best—"
"You will find someone you will love more than me, someone who deserves you more than me. I am not that person Jeongyeon. I'm sorry," she tried wiping my tears but everytime she does, another set of tears replace them. I put my hand on top of hers and felt the warmth of her palms.
We stayed like that for almost 10 minutes. I can feel her staring at every feature of my face, as if memorizing it. I opened my eyes and did the same-- savoring the last minutes I can freely and fully stare at her. She left a couple of light pecks on my face before she withdrew her hands back. "I'm really sorry Jeongyeon," she said. She stood up from her seat, and opened her umbrella. She's ready to leave.
"So this is it," I looked at her. She smiled timidly.
"See you when I see you, Jeongyeon. Take care."
-
I found myself in the club right after. For some reason. Chaeyoung, Dahyun and Tzuyu are all here too. Worry is painted in their faces, as if they already know what happened.
"Nayeon unnie texted us," of course.
"Drinks on me," I told them as I headed to the bar counter. Thankful for their silence, I kept drinking and asking for the shots. The bottle of vodka is already half-empty, but I am still feeling pain. I asked for tequila this time and Chaeyoung finally spoke.
"Nope, stick to vodka unnie. You and tequila is a bad combination."
"Even better than me and Nayeon, I suppose," they kept quiet again. I drowned myself with every shot the bartender is giving me. The bottle of tequila is half-empty as well but I am still sober. I am not, even on the slightest, tipsy.
"She broke up with me," I started. Chayeoung averted her gaze and drank from her beer. "She told me she no longer loves me.
How can she do that? How come you suddenly wake up and decided you no longer love the person you have been with for 5 years?" I looked at them but they couldn't answer me. "How can she let go just like that?"
"It was neither easy for her, Unnie," Chaeyoung argued, "she was struggling for months because she did not want to hurt you."
"You knew?!"
"She has nowhere to go," Chaeyoung whisperd. "Both Momo unnie and Jihyo unnie got mad at her when she told her that she is starting to fall out of love. Sana unnie, told her to dismiss the thought because she thinks that it is impossible for Nayeon unnie to just wake up not loving you anymore,"
"Sana's right—"
"Mina unnie," Chaeyoung cut me, "told her to consider what you feel. That is why she dragged this for almost four months, because she doesn't know what do. She did not want to hurt you. She would rather hurt herself than hurt you."
"But she still did, Chaeyoung! She still hurt me!"
"Or maybe she just couldn't hold the pain anymore," Tzuyu butted in, "it is also hard for her unnie. You aren't the only one in pain right now."
"Jeongyeon unnie," Dahyun called out on me, "you know I am always on your side, right?" I nodded. "Now listen to me when I tell you this. The first time I saw Nayeon unnie genuinely scared was when you got in an accident with your motorbike." I recalled the memory, remembering how Nayeon literally never left my side. She took showers in the restroom of my private room in the hospital for 5 days. When I was discharged, she stayed in our house until my cast were taken off.
"And when she called out on me that night, I saw the same look on her face. Like that of when you were in the hospital. She was scared. She was so scared of what she is feeling, or not feeling. She loved you for more than five years, then suddenly waking up not feeling it anymore, scared the shit out of her.
But what she's more scared of is hurting you. She's afraid of leaving you. She couldn't fathom the thought of you crying because of her. So she kept it from you," someone, either Chaeyoung or Tzuyu, wiped the tears on my face. "She tried to convince herself that she still loves you. But she failed."
"She's also in pain, unnie. She has been since she realized she fell out of love."
"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked them feeling much more defeated than I already am.
"What would you do if we told you?" Chaeyoung asked. I stayed silent thinking what I would have done if they told me.
"Remember when I asked you if you think you and Nayeon unnie will end up marrying each other?" Tzuyu asked. I nodded. "That's when I learned about unnie's dilemma. And I tried to tell you that she no longer loves you but you dismissed the thought saying that you and Nayeon unnie are so in love with each other that breaking up never crossed your mind."
"Can you blame me, Tzuyu?" I fired back, "do you even get in a relationship thinking that it will end?" She shook her head and bowed down. "That's what I thought."
"I don't know what to do," I put my head on Dahyun shoulders and cried once again. "I am so used to living with her and now she left me," Dahyun hugged me as I continued crying on her shoulders. "what do I do?"
The alcohol finally started to kick in. Every feeling intensified in just a span of minutes. I can hear my heart break as I, once again, hear the conversation I had with Nayeon earlier over the current conversations the maknaes are having.
I don't know what exactly happened after. I just found myself in my bed, ready to sleep the pain away. Hoping that this is all just a dream. Wishing that as soon as I wake up, I will have Nayeon in my arms again.