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Hua Cheng never understood why people hated him so much. Why they despised him. Why they hit and hurt him.
It seemed like his only crime was just Being. Existing. Breathing.
He was born under the star of solitude!
Of course, his parents would abandon him, I would too.
Ugly beast
Hua Cheng doesn’t know how it feels to have gentle hands touch him, doesn’t know how safety or love feels like, doesn’t know kindness or warmth. When people touch him, their touch hurts, when people talk to him, their words slice painfully through his chest.
One of the first things Hua Cheng learns in his life is that people aren’t kind. They are mean, they are selfish, they are cowards.
Didn’t you hear? He brings misfortune wherever he goes
Someone like him, won’t live long. Somethings gonna kill him one day or maybe he’ll kill himself.
*****
To this day Hua Cheng doesn’t know what he wanted to achieve by climbing up the banister during the ShangYuan Heavenly Ceremonial procession. He tells himself he just wanted to look and accidentally, due to his misfortune, slipped.
(A smaller voice told him he was planning something completely different.)
When he slipped and fell, he already knew it was over. No one would care for someone like him falling down. He would fall, his small heart beating frantically, and land on the cold, hard ground and die a painful death.
He could already hear the responses once people found out he died.
Thank god he’s gone. Now no misfortune will befall us
Its better for everyone that way he wouldn’t have a good life anyway.
What he didn’t expect was being pressed against a warm, solid body. What he didn’t expect were gentle, but firm hands holding his body. What he didn’t expect was to see someone so stunning, so noble, so good to catch him and save him.
Hua Cheng could see nothing but a white figure, a white figure that smiled gently at him, looking over his body to see if he was hurt.
His whole body was shaking, scared of the incident just now. His heart wouldn’t stop beating painfully against his chest and he can’t believe someone came to help him.
The loud voice of someone, Hua Cheng didn’t know who brought Hua Cheng out of his mind, “WHAT’S GOING ON NOW? WHAT’S HAPPENING? WHY DID THE PROCESSION
FALL INTO CHAOS? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU USELESS TRASH DOING? DID YOU ALL EAT NOTHING BUT PLAIN RICE, SO DUMB YOU CAN’T EVEN HOLD YOUR HORSES???”
Only after that interruption did Hua Cheng notice what had happened. The parade had completely stopped, all eyes were on him, he could feel the royals and nobles look at him with anxious eyes, he could hear gasps of shock. It was only then that Hua Cheng noticed that the boy that saved him was Xie Lian, the crown prince of Xian Le. Hua Cheng has never seen the crown prince before, not with him being just a dirty street child and the crown prince being inside the palace most of the time.
What did I do…
Because of him the parade stopped, because of him the crown prince stopped what he was doing, stopped his performance, stopped everything.
Maybe Hua Cheng really did bring misfortune everywhere he went. Because he stopped the parade and if the parade doesn’t round the castle….
Before he can say anything and before he can even react to any of this, the crown prince jumps up again and starts fighting against the ghost. Hua Cheng knows that it’s just a show, people had explained it to him. But he’s only 10 and he’s scared. He fell down a long way, certain he will die and now he’s in the arm of someone he doesn’t know, he stopped the parade (he’s going to be punished, he knows he will) and now there are people fighting. The sound of swords hitting one another echoes in his ear and Hua Cheng just wants it all to stop, stop, stop, please, stop.
Hua Cheng cries out when the sword of the ghost comes close to him but a gentle voice whispers down to him, “Don’t be scared.”
Hua Cheng grips the white robs of the crown prince, terrified that the man will let him go. He doesn’t want to be alone, doesn’t want to fall again. His arms are shaking and he longs, longs so much for the feeling of safety. He puts his small arms around the crown prince’s shoulder and presses himself closer.
Again the soothing voice of the crown prince calms his racing heart, “Don’t worry, nothing will hurt you.”
All was over before Hua Cheng noticed. Xie Lian won against the ghost, everyone cheered and celebrated, the parade continued and Hua Cheng could do nothing but cling close to his savior, to the warmth of the crown prince. The hands holding him were gentle, the voice talking to him was kind and warm. Hua Cheng never felt this taken care of before, this safe.
“Your Highness, what are you doing bringing the child in too?” There is a new voice somewhere behind Hua Cheng but he doesn’t care, he clings to the crown prince, scared of letting go, scared of moving or even breathing. Now that everything is over will Hua Cheng get punished? Punished for distracting the crown prince, for stopping the parade?
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I’m so sorry.
Hua Cheng could feel the chest he was pressed against move, “What was I to do, throw him back out on the streets? It’s a mess out there, he’s such a tiny creature he’d get trampled to death.” Then the arm around him relaxes a bit and Hua Cheng gripes tighter, afraid of being given away. The crown prince gently pates his head. Hua Cheng didn’t know that touch could be kind, could feel warm, could be without hurt. “How old are you, little guy?”
The voice wasn’t malicious, wasn’t mean, it was curious, gentle, nice. But Hua Cheng didn’t dare reply. It didn’t stop the crown prince from asking more questions, “How did you come to fall earlier?”
“Your Highness, the child probably doesn’t dare to speak, he’s obviously scared witless.” someone else says. Hua Cheng doesn’t care about who it is. He can only focus on the crown prince in front of him. Can’t stop looking at him, can’t stop basking in his attention. He knows they are talking about him, talking about what to do with him but he doesn’t want to go. He wants to stay. So he holds on tightly at first but when the highness says, “Is that right? That won’t do. I’ve got my own things to do. Go home, little kid.” Hua Cheng reluctantly let’s go. Someone else picks him up. The hands arent as gentle, the body isn’t as warm.
Hua Cheng immediately missed the warmth. Only the red pearled earring, he accidentally took with him reminded him of the gentleness he experienced. He’s never treasured something as precious as that earring. It reminded him of love.
****
Something changed after that in Hua Cheng. Before he was always so sad, so hopeless. People have been treating him unkindly for such a long time and he never knew anything else. And just one person, one person showing him some kindness, touching him with no intention of inflicting pain, talking to him, soothing him… it changed something in Hua Cheng. He understood now why so many people praised the crown prince, why he was so beloved and adored.
Hua Cheng still lived his life as a half street kid. He does have a family but no one there wants him there and they show it, show it through their words, their actions. Hua Cheng doesn’t want to go back, back to a family that loathes him. He’d rather live on the streets.
****
He doesn’t know how it happened. But suddenly someone grabs him, beats him up, stuffs him into a bag and after that the only thing he feels is pain.
Let me out, let me out!!!
He’s in a bag, tied to a carriage. And his whole body hurts, his small body constantly gets hit by edgy, sharp stones, gets dragged over the floor, can feel his skin break open, bleeding and he doesn’t even know what he did.
He can feel the hot tears run down his face, the shaking in his limps, the frantic beating of his heart. He struggles, hoping he could somehow break out of the sack, however, his hands are uncoordinated, the back shut tightly and he quivers in fear.
And then it all stops, there is a shadow above him, then the bag falls to the ground, nothing pulling him over the streets any longer. Someone was getting him out, someone was helping him, someone was freeing him. Hua Cheng was still protecting is small head, his whole body hurt, and he was terrified, so terrified. A gentle hand touches his pulse and then someone picks him up.
The person who picked him up was running somewhere else. There was shouting and wait... he remembers that voice.
“I did!” Hua Cheng knew that voice had heard it before. He gently lowers the arms that were still wrapped around his head and he looks up between the gap in his elbow. Someone was already looking at him and Hua Cheng recognizes the face instantly. The dark eyes, the kind smile. Then a soothing voice, once again, always kind, always gentle, “How do you feel? Do you feel pain anywhere especially?” Hua Cheng didn’t want to bother the crown prince, not again. He cant believe that it’s the same person that was helping him, protecting him. He shook his head, not wanting to worry the crown prince too much. However, the crown prince didn’t believe him and gently checked over his injuries, tried to remove the bandages on his head and no!!! Hua Cheng couldn’t allow that, couldn’t allow the crown prince to see him.
Ugly beast
No one wants to look at him anyway
He doesn’t want the crown prince to see his monstrous appearance. Doesn’t want the crown prince to find him ugly just like everyone else.
Instead of being angry for denying the crown prince like Hua Cheng immediately assumed the crown prince spoke continued to speak kindly, “Don’t be afraid. I’m not going to do anything. I only wanted to check your injuries.”
No, no, no you can’t see me like this. Please don’t see me like this
The voice, the voice that had shouted at him earlier, had beaten him up and put him in a bag suddenly appeared behind Hua Cheng, “Cousin Crown Prince, that little fiend ruined your grand ceremony yesterday, so I avenged you. Don’t worry, I was careful, he won’t die.”
“WHO TOLD YOU TO AVENGE ME??? IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THS CHILD, IT WASNT HIS FAULT!”
“Of course it’s his fault. If not for him, you wouldn’t have gotten scolded by the Guoshi.”
Hua Chengs heart dropped when he heard that.
He brings misfortune wherever he goes.
No one should come close to him….
It was his fault that the crown prince had been scolded. It was his fault that the parade had been ruined. Hua Cheng had never meant to bring pain to or inconvenience the crown prince in any way, especially not after all the kindness he received from the man.
I’m sorry.
Hue Cheng looked at his dirty hands, his dirty hands full of grime, sweat, earth, and blood, and then he looked at the crown prince, looked at his white robes and could see small black fingerprints against the clean, white robes.
I dirty him.
He was tarnishing this kind person just like he did with everyone else. No matter what and who he touches, he hurts them, inconvenience them, dirties them.
Hua Cheng starts shaking, not able to bear the idea that even this, this one good thing in his life he is also hurting, dirting.
“What’s wrong?” again so kind, so gentle, as if he wasn’t bothered by Hua Cheng’s appearance. “I’ll go take you to the doctors right now.”
No! Please don’t go
Despite how much Hua Cheng hated, despised himself for burdening the crown prince like this he doesn’t want to let go of him either. Maybe he’s selfish, maybe he’s egoistic and all kinds of band things but he craves the warmth, love, and security of the crown prince like nothing else in life. He tightens his grip around the man and holds on tightly.
Everything after that is a bit of a blur. He gets carried around by the crown prince, he knows there are other people ( a doctor that he’s supposed to be looked over but he’s just so afraid… What if they discover what he is, what if the crown prince hates him after finding out he brings nothing but misfortune?)
He doesn’t want to be touched by anyone else, doesn’t want to be talked to by anyone else. He just wants to stay in these warm arms
“What’s your name?” The crown prince asks looking into his eye.
He feels ashamed, everything about him is disappointing and shameful, “...Hong…”
There was no judgment, just acceptance, kindness, “How old are you?”
“Ten.”
“The doctors will see to your wounds now, don’t be afraid and lower your hands okay?” again softness, kindness, no judgment.
And maybe Hua Cheng would have said yes but then he remembers how ugly his hands are, how people hit his hands, how people avoid his touch saying his hands curse people He shakes his head.
“Why not?”
He decides to be honest, “Ugly.”
And that’s all he has to say about it. He doesn’t want the highness to find his soul and hands ugly as well, just like everyone else, he’d rather hide himself and no amount of soothing and bargaining from the Prince can convince Hua Cheng.
After that, the crown prince gets in a fight with his family, with everyone in fact, but for some reason he’s always protecting Hua Cheng, never blaming him. And he doesn’t understand. It was this fault, he always brings misfortune to everyone, everyone always blames everything on him so why didn’t the crown prince hate him as well?
Despite the crown prince protecting him in front of everyone (always protecting him, always holding him kindly) Hua Cheng can’t help himself but continue blaming himself for all the misfortune that has befallen the crown prince.
I’m sorry, it’s my fault, I complicate everything
Despite his guilty feelings, he’s also selfish and he basks in the attention of the crown prince and when he asks where he lives Hua Cheng lies and says that he doesn’t have a home.
And it’s not quite wrong. Theoretically, he has a family, but he hates them, hates how they treat him. It doesn’t feel like a home.
He shouts it out “No, no wait! There’s nobody!” Please don’t give me back! Hua Cheng wants to go into the crown prince’s arms again, wants to feel safe so he reaches for him, reaches for the comfort.
Someone interrupts him and the words pierce through him like a blade, reminding him of his position, of his inconvenience, of his dirt, “Kid, what the hell are you doing? Things were urgent earlier so whatever, but shouldn’t you know better by now? This is the Crown Prince, do you understand?”
He did understand. Hua Cheng understood all too well how undeserving he is. And when he looks at the Crown princes robes, at the dirt and the mud that Hua Cheng had left there he can’t help but feel like a failure, like a burden. But he doesn’t want to leave. “There’s fighting at home and I got kicked out. I walked for a long time but I’ve got nowhere to go.”
And just like that, his Highness takes him in.
Hua Cheng didn’t know love could come so easily.
****
It all goes downhill so fast and Hua Cheng isn’t even that surprised. He knows that he attracts evil and misfortune. It’s not the first time ghosts and demons have sought him out, so when suddenly the pavilion the Crown Prince has taken him to erupts in flames and resentful spirits start coming for him he could do nothing but close his eyes, put his hands over his ears and beg, beg, beg for them to leave.
Please don’t hate me, crown prince, please, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry
“YOUR HIGHNESS DONT COME IN! THIS CHILD IS STRANGE! ALL THOSE SPIRITs WERE COMING FOR HIM!”
The simple thought that the crown prince might hate him, might despise him, was too unbearable for Hua Cheng. He didn’t do it on purpose, he never, never wanted to hurt the crown prince in any way.
“ITS NOT ME!!!!”
And then they ask for his birthday to find out his fortune. As if Hua Cheng doesn’t already know. But now the crown prince will know too. And Hua Cheng already knows what will happen, will see that kind gaze fall to something guarded, scared. Scared of him. And then those gentle hands will never touch him again and he will be alone.
And then the old man talks and its all over. Its all over and Hua Cheng never wanted this , “MAKE HIM LEAVE THE MOUNTAIN! HURRY! Don’t touch him, I mean it! That fortune is too toxic, don’t touch him!”
And he can’t stand it, can’t stand everyone hating him for just being alive, “IM NOT! IM NOT!! IM NOT!!!”
His small heart was beating so fast it almost jumped out of his chest, and he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t-
Hands around his waist, wrapping him tightly, holding him safely, protecting him, “You’re not. I know you’re not. Don’t cry, now. I know your not.”
And he couldn’t hold it back anymore. This was the first time someone, despite knowing who he was was still staying close to him, was willing to stand up for him and be nice. Fat, hot tears ran down Hua Cheng’s cheeks, sobs crawled out of his chest and he felt nothing but relief and unbearable pain and despair.
“Its not you. Its not your fault.”
****
When the crown prince ascends to Godhood Hua Cheng becomes his most devoted believer. He makes sure to pray every day for his Gods health and happiness, brings the brightest, healthiest and most beautiful white flowers to the little shrine around his place.
Meeting the crown prince changed his life. One person believed in him, one person had shown him kindness and on top of that it was someone so royal, so righteous and good Hua Cheng could never repay what the crown prince has given to him. The Crown Prince gave him the power to stand up for himself, gave him the confidence to fight back and that was already so much more then he had ever thought possible.
Hua Cheng started fighting back more, against the people that were bullying him, against the street kids that took his food away and laughed at him. He wasn’t afraid, not as sad anymore, instead anger overtook his body and mind. He hated the world with a deep passion, hated the unfairness of it, the egoism and cruelness of people. He wished he could hurt the people as much as everyone was hurting him, and then he wished he could just disappear.
And then His God fought away those mean children, gave him some of the offered food at the shrine and left behind a red umbrella.
“ If you don’t know how to live anymore, then life for me!”
****
Xian Le falls. It falls in the most brutal, despairing and painful way.
Hua Cheng tried, tried to protect his Highness, tried to keep his God’s reputation, fought everyone who dared to say one bad thing about the Crown Prince. He fought, bled, cried, shouted, died.
He died for his God and doesn’t regret it. Not even a single second.
He only regrets not being more.
****
Hus Cheng promises himself to become stronger, to become more powerful, better.
Somehow, again his Highness had saved him, released him from the lantern and gave him freedom.
His heart broke when he saw his God. His Highness deserved nothing but the best, the best palace, the finest clothes, the tastiest food, the most beautiful temples. He couldn’t understand how people could just abandon this incredible man. This man who had tried everything to save the kingdom, this man that was nothing but kind and good.
So Hua Cheng promised himself to become stronger, to never give up, to protect the crown prince until he dies.
****
He fails.
He’s never felt more like a failure then when he watches his prince get drunk in front of the grave, he never felt as much as a failure then when he watched person after person stabbing into his Highness body, powerless to help him in any way. Never felt more of a failure then seeing the man he promised to protect cry and sob while people were using him and holding him down.
He never felt more of a failure then when he saw his Highness possed by such hatred, such despair and agony that he almost became the white calamity.
But of course, the Crown prince was better then White-No-Face. Of course, his God could despite everything that was done to him, find it in his heart to be kind.
And maybe that was the first time he could say he stood beside his God. Taking the sword and letting all the resentful spirits destroy himself so his Crown Prince could continue living.
***
He promised to become powerful, he promised to become stronger and better.
He became a supreme, made statue after statue, survived the kiln, protected the people, avenged his highness by burning the temples of those useless heavenly officials, became a ghost king.
Hua Cheng studied and practiced, he became knowledgeable, wealthy, powerful.
He was one of the four calamities, the king of the land, master of Ghost City.
Everyone in all three realms respected him.
And still he couldn’t find his Crown Prince. He discovered quickly after his third rebirth and breaking out of the Kiln that Xie Lian had been banished for a second time. He searched all three realms for his beloved, searched every city, every corner of the world, asked every demon, ghost and human.
Have you heard of Xie Lian the Crown Prince of Xian Le?
Isn’t that the God that has been banned two times already? Heard he’s collecting rubbish now
The god of misfortune? No, and thank God I haven’t meant him. Wouldnt want to spend time with the God of Misfortune
Hua Cheng never stopped looking. No matter what people said, no matter what they thought about his beloved. He knows he’s still out there somewhere and Hua Cheng promised to believe in him. To never leave his side.
****
It was He Xuan that brought him the news of his beloved return.
The crown prince ascended again to godhood. They gave him a task immediately. He’s going to Mount Yu Jun to discover more about the case with the missing brides.
Hua Cheng thanked his friend. He knows he sounded composed. Sounded like always, in control and as if he wasn’t affected by the news but internally he was vibrating with excitement and relief.
He’s back, he’s back, he’s back.
If he was human and alive his hands would be sweaty with nervousness, his heart would beat frantically and he would pace up and down the room trying to decide what to do next.
Okay, maybe he did spend the entire day pacing up and down his manor but at least his hands weren’t sweaty.
He cant believe that after so many centuries his Crown Prince was back and of course, the useless heavenly officials were already giving him the dirt jobs, they were too lazy to do themselves.
Anyway. Now he only needed to decide how to show himself in front of his highness after all these years.
(Maybe he stood in front of the mirror for a couple of hours trying on various skins and clothes to determine in which he looked the best. But no one has to know that.)
****
He combusts into a thousand butterflies in panic when Xie Lian was about to unveil himself and look at Hua Cheng. He doesn’t understand why he suddenly felt incredibly nervous and anxious. The only thought in his mind was fejknfj982je892dh he’s about to see me! and puff before he could think he combusted into a thousand butterflies and quickly flew away.
****
Despite hundreds of years having gone by his God is still beautiful and kind. He’s gorgeous, brave, powerful and everything good that Hua Cheng isn’t.
Despite hundreds of years having gone by and Hua Cheng trying desperately to become powerful to a point where he could least help his Highness, he was still feeling inadequate.
He remembers when he was a 10-year-old child and dirtied his Highness pristine white robs. He remembers how he fell down the wall during the parade and was the reason his Crown Prince was scolded at and could only walk three rounds, he remembers how he set the pavilion on fire, how because of him Xie Lian fought with his parents, he remembers how he couldn’t stand beside his Highness during his most gruesome years, he remembers-
“Xian Les Crown prince. You probably don’t know about him.” And oh if his Highness knew how wrong he was.
And he wants to tell him, I do. I do know him but before Hua Cheng gets the chance the Oxcart moves from side to side and suddenly Xie Lian is touching him and
Nonononnono.
He’s not worthy yet. He never was and never will but he hasn’t stood by his highness side for centuries now, so how can he allow himself to be touched by such gentle and kind hands when he was nothing close to those things.
He flinches away not wanting to stain Xie Lian’s skin, not wanting to tarnish him like he has done in the past. He can see surprise painting the other man’s face but it doesn’t stay on there for long. Hua Cheng yearns for him, he’s always kind, always understanding, respectful of other peoples boundaries.
****
He promised Xie Lian to show up in his real appearance the next time they see each other.
He tries to play it down but inside he’s terrified. People call him handsome, good looking.
But that’s now. That’s only because he’s powerful, people respect him and are scared of him. They don’t want to offend him. Of course, they are going os say that.
In his childhood he was always called ugly, he always believed he was ugly and he still believes it. Most of his skins are pretty, but his real appearance? Not as much. Who could like someone that only has one eye? Who could like someone that was called an ugly beast from the beginning? There is something inherently evil about him and ….
Whatever. He promised Xie Lian to show his real appearance and he will keep that promise.
****
After that everything happens so fast, it feels like they aren’t able to breathe for even a second. Plots are revealed, hidden identities, betrayals, backstories, hurt, pain…
And in between all that, his love is returned. He never thoughts that Xie Lian would love him back. That was never his goal or desire. He only wanted to stand beside his Highness. He never believed that Xie Lian would love him back and he never expected him to.
He was scared that Xie Lian would despise him or find him disgusting for what he’s done. That he’s known Xie Lian for so long and has never said a word, that he would be scared by all the statues and the murals, would be angry that he was the child that stopped the parade so long ago.
He was terrified of Xie Lans reaction, scared to bones to see the disgust or fear in his eyes. He knew he should have taken the spell of him but he was to scared.
At the end of the day maybe he is just a coward.
But somehow Xie Lian didn’t find him disgusting, didn’t hate him, didn’t find his actions repulsing. No, in fact, his beloved loved him back. He’s never felt this happy, this full of energy, he wants to do nothing but kiss Xie Lian senseless, wants to spend the rest of his life with him, eat his food, touch his skin and make sure nothing ever happens to him again.
And they do get their happy ending. It takes a while… Hua Cheng might have overdone it at the fight against White-No-Face but he promised to return to his beloved as long as he was still alive in this world and he wasn’t planning on breaking it this fast.
Spending your days together in a little shrine after 800 years of pain, mourning, grief, and injustice is the best thing Hua Cheng could imagine. He still has duties in the ghost world, he would never abandon that and Xie Lian is just the same. Always feels responsible for things so its no surprise that their life never gets boring, that they always have something to do, something to keep them busy. And if it’s not ghost or god business they help the local villagers and keep Puji Shrine intact.
“San Lang?” Xian Le asks while cooking. Hua Cheng has no idea what his beloved is making but its endearing how much love and thought he puts into making food. He would eat every last scrap from the pot in order to make Xie Lian feel appreciated.
He hums indicating that he’s heard Xie Lian while reading over some scrolls.
There is a pause before his husband lets out a small sigh and puts down the spoon he used for stirring, “I’ve been thinking about something.”
Hua Cheng can hear by the heavy tone that this is a more serious topic that will need all his attention. He finishes the sentence he was reading, memories where he stopped and puts the scroll to the side. Xie Lian is already looking at him, hands fidgeting.
“Gege sit down, what is it?” Hua Cheng says kindly, his voice open wanting to make sure Xie Lian knows he can talk to Hua Cheng about everything.
Again a pause as if Xie Lian is trying to figure out how to phrase what he wants to say, “Its a bit weird to bring up now...” a humorless laugh, “I’m not sure… I’ve just been thinking and I hope I won’t upset you but it’s just been on my mind for so long and-”
“Gege.” Hua Cheng interrupts him and puts a gentle hand on his beloved skin, trying to calm him. “It’s okay. I would never be upset with you.”
Xie Lian smiles gently, “You’re very sappy, you know?”
“Its what my dianxia deserves.” Xie Lian laughs lightly before taking a breath, his face changing into something more serious again.
“You know your handsome right?” Xie Lian asks. Hua Cheng is taken by surprise, he didn’t expect that to come out of this conversation.
He narrows his eyes in confusion, not sure how to respond, “Why are you asking this?”
Xie Lian fiddles with the hem of his robes, he’s usually well-composed but when it comes to personal matters he gets emotional quite quickly, “Ah, this is so weird.” his husband mutters, “It’s just I had to think about you saying you aren’t that good looking when I asked you for your real appearance and then I had to think of the murals and-”
Hua Cheng freezes, he doesn’t like talking about those, “What about them?”
Xie Lian looks at him, always with love, always with kindness, “The way you drew yourself. San Lang… do- did you really see yourself like that?”
“Like what?”
Xie Lian sighs, “Like an ugly monster.” His eyes are pained as if the thought of Hua Cheng seeing himself like that hurts him. And maybe it does. Xie Lian has always been empathetic.
“Because I was.” Hua Cheng replies. Its a fact. Everyone described him like that. Ugly, dirty. He was a street kid, or mostly. He was dirty, disgusting. How else would he draw himself?
“Do you still see yourself like that?” Xie Lian asks, voice quiet.
Hua Cheng doesn’t know an answer to that question. So he stays silent. Xie Lian looks up, his eyes are full of pain.
“San Lang…” he whispers. Before Hua Cheng can answer, say anything to resolve the awkward atmosphere between them, his beloved stands up and walks over to his side of the bench and sits down. Xie Lian puts his arms around Hau Cheng’s waist and pulls him close. Xie Lian is always so warm against him, always warm, always soft, always gentle. Xie Lian has never touched him in a way that hurt or was malicious. This time is no different. The hands around his waist are firm but gentle, the body against him is warm, grounding.
“San Lang. I love you so much.” Xie Lian whispers and presses a kiss against his forehead, “I hope you know, and if you don’t I will remind you that you were never ugly. I never found you monstrous or disgusting. Never.” Xie Lian whispers against his ear and then presses a gentle kiss to the place as well. Hua Cheng’s heart beats faster and he didn’t even know that was possible.
“Gege…” there are two hands on his face, gently pulling him towards a certain direction and then he’s looking into his beloved beautiful eyes.
“No, listen to me.” he begins, “You’re the most beautiful person I have ever seen. When I see you my breath catches in my throat and I just get so happy. When I saw those murals I couldn’t stop thinking about how you drew yourself, how you saw yourself. You warrant like that San Lang. You weren’t. You were not a monster, you did nothing wrong and nothing was your fault, okay?” Xie Lian’s voice is full of conviction. Then he presses kisses all over Hua Cheng’s face; on his nose, his cheeks, his forehead, his eyelids, his mouth. Gentle, loving kisses.
Hua Cheng closes his eyes. He doesn’t want to cry and he won’t but hearing those words, hearing someone address an insecurity he’s had for such a long time… it opens something inside him he didn’t know existed. It makes him feel fragile, vulnerable but also so, so loved, “Thank you.” he whispers and presses his head against Xie Lian’s neck, “Thank you for saying that.” he grabs Xie Lians waist and pulls him closer, craving the warmth, “Thank you for loving me.”
Another kiss against his hair, “Don’t thank me for that San Lang.”
Xie Lian continues, “I was never repulsed by you, San Lang. Not now, not in the cave of ten thousand gods and not back then when I caught you. You’ve never made me feel uncomfortable or dirty and I hope you will never think like that again. You make me feel happy and safe. Never anything else.”
It’s hard to make San lang speechless but he is now. He doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know how to respond to something like that. He feels warm in a way he’s never felt before, vulnerable like his heart would break if someone uttered the wrong thing in this precious moment. Again a kiss against his head, against his hair, a gentle hand on his back, the warmth of his love against him.
“Gege?”
“Hm?”
Hua Cheng hates to do this since he wants to continue basking in the warmth and peacefulness of this moment but- “It’s burning. Your food. It’s burning.”
Xie Lian jumps up with a shriek, almost falling off the bench he just sat on and runs towards the pot he had left on the stove when he began the conversation, “Oh no.” he mutters and quickly tries to save it. Hua Cheng just laughs, used to this already.
His mere existence used to be cursed at, him merely breathing used to be met with brutal, cutting words. Now he’s loved by the most important person in his life. He’s loved in his whole, his good and bad and it might have taken them 800 years to get to this place in time but Hua Cheng could never find it in himself to complain.