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Arthur had been requested for an audience with his King far too many times to count now. Yet, he had never been more scared than today. Previous audiences with his father had been to discuss the many important and perhaps more boring affairs of running a country; from taxes and town disputes, to alliances with other kingdoms.
Right now though was entirely different matter.
“I’m not asking to talk to the king,” Arthur said. “I’m asking to talk to my father.”
This stopped Uther. It was long past since Arthur had stopped differentiating from them both, even long past since he himself had stopped.
“Very well. I’m listening.”
“I know you know about Merlin and me,” Arthur started. “And I know you don’t approve. You think it’s below me, that he is just a servant and not worthy. You had made it clear with Guinevere, but at least she could have bore an heir. Merlin is a servant and a man,” not to mention a sorcerer thought Arthur, “and for that, it’s wrong. If it was only a fling, maybe we could pretend it wasn't happening. But you think it makes me lose sight of my priorities.”
“It does,” Uther cut him off. “How many times have you disobeyed me, disobeyed your king, just for the sake of him? How many times have you put your life at risk, putting the entire kingdom at risk, for the sake of a peasant boy?”
“I’m not denying this. Yes, I would put my life at risk for him, but have you ever seen me putting Camelot aside? Have you ever seen me leaving a battle, leaving Camelot unprotected? Have you ever seen me abandoning my duties?”
Uther didn’t answer. Even if Arthur wasn’t acting like he wanted him to, he knew that his son always did everything he could for the kingdom.
“Maybe, but it doesn’t change the fact that you would, that you will risk your life if it can save his. If sending him away will keep you safe, then I’ll gladly do it.”
“And I will go with him. Don’t think I wouldn’t. I could leave this room right now, pack our bags, and we could leave Camelot and simply exist. You don’t know how many times I’ve thought about it. I even suggested it to him.”
Uther was watching him in horror, ready to yell at him, but Arthur just snorted and shook his head.
“Even if I ordered him to pack our things, so we could leave, he wouldn’t do it. He’d tell me that I can’t escape my destiny, that I was made to be king, that I can’t leave Camelot because she needs me, and I her. He’d tell me that everything is going to be alright, and that we’ll find a way, like we always do. Then he’d complain about having to put back everything in its place.” Arthur smiled, imagining the scene. It was a private smile, so fond that Uther almost wanted to smile too.
Almost.
“What about your future queen? You keep saying you’re trying, before turning down potential queens, but how long will it go until they start turning to someone else? I know you want to marry for love, but how could you if you refuse to let go of that boy? Your... infatuation will make you ignore everybody, and one day, the kingdom will find itself without an heir to the throne and will collapse. I will not allow this to happen.”
“Do you really think I’m that naive? That we are that naive? We both know I’ll have to marry. Hell, I’m sure he will find me the perfect match because he’s like that. He'd go searching for her right now, if I asked him.” Arthur let a humourless laugh escape. “The problem is not that he is a servant, but that I am to be king, with everything it implies, and that’s why he never did something until…”
Arthur stopped and took a deep breath. “This has been between us for so long, and if it didn’t happen sooner, it wasn’t because I was ashamed of his rank, or that he isn’t a woman. It didn’t happen because Merlin is the one who sees farther, and he knew that who I am would make this impossible. He’s not delusional. He knows what awaits me, and what it’ll mean for us. He won’t try to stop me from marrying. He will push me to do it because it’s the right thing.”
“Then why does it matter to cut this thing off now? The sooner, the easier.”
“Because we are doomed.”
The certainty, the hurt in Arthur’s voice made Uther wanting to reach out to his son.
“We are doomed, anyway,” Arthur continued. “We won’t have a happy ending. One day, he’ll finally succeed in dying for me, or he’s going to decide this is not enough and that he wants someone he can share a future with. Maybe he’ll stay, but I won’t let him wait for me while I’m married to someone else; it won’t be fair to any of us, and I’ll have to let him go. We are doomed to not be together, in the end. I’m doomed to lose him,” Arthur all but whispered. “So please, I’m begging you, father, to let me have him while I can.”
Uther knew a thing or two about broken hearts. He had one, after all. He could see his son’s was too. And what was even sadder was that it was broken before it ever had to.
Uther wanted to send that boy away, to stop this happening under his own roof, to put Arthur back on the right path, and to make sure Camelot would have a king with a clear mind.
He was ready to say this, but he looked at his son, his son who had learnt years ago to hide his feelings, who had learnt to not let his emotions rule his acts, his son who had stopped sharing his sentiments with him because it wasn’t fitting. This same son who was now bearing his heart open in a way that was too raw and too heavy; this same son that was crying in front of him and who was already crushed down by the weight of a crown he didn’t yet wear.
And behind the disgust and anger Uther could feel, he also knew that whatever bond between his son and his manservant was real and deeper than almost every relationship he had witnessed in his life. It certainly wasn’t the kind of love he wanted for his son.
It was something more profound that he could understand.
It also meant it would provoke a profound suffering when it would collapse. A pain so deep it was already felt before it even happened.
Uther felt a rush of pride and admiration for his son (and perhaps to some extent for Merlin), who knew what was coming for him, and was still willing to face it.
And maybe he hadn’t acted like a father for a long time now, but he was still one. If he was able to make his son happy without risking the future of the kingdom, so be it. He could always banish the boy later if he saw that they forgot their places — which he doubted; as much as it pained him to admit it, he knew Merlin would always put Arthur first, and that Arthur would always put Camelot first.
“Fine,” he finally said. “If both of you are truly aware of what is expected of you, then I won’t do anything, as long as it doesn’t threaten the kingdom.”
It was only because he was so used to keeping a straight face in front of his father that Arthur didn’t collapse with relief. “Thank you.”
--
“Where have you been?” Merlin asked when he entered the room and saw Arthur sitting in his chair. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere.” He approached Arthur and hesitated before saying: “Leon told me, what your father wants to do…”
“Yeah. I was talking with him about that.”
“To what, ask him to not send me away?” Merlin asked, dubious.
“Yes. He won’t.”
Merlin was taken aback. He had been expecting guards to come for him for a while now. He had no illusion of what Uther thought about their relationship, and knew that he’d do everything to stop it.
“What did you say to him to manage that?”
“The truth. That I was doomed to lose you anyway, so he didn’t have to worry.”
“What are you talking about?” Merlin asked. “Arthur, you’re not going to lose me.”
“Yes, I am. One day, you’ll leave, or you’ll die, or I’ll have to let you go, and I will lose you. The only reason he accepted to not send you away is because we are doomed, and he knows it.”
“And he bought that?”
Arthur looked at him, confused. “I just told you we are doomed, and that’s how you react?”
“Arthur, we’re all doomed. Of course one of us is going to lose the other, but so is every other person who loves someone. Maybe I’ll die tomorrow and you’ll lose me. But one of the knights can lose their wives as well tomorrow, or the gardener will have to watch his leave for someone else. Do you call them doomed as well?"
“It’s not the same.”
“Why?” Merlin was now kneeling in front of Arthur, his hands resting on the prince’s thighs, and his thumbs tracing soothing circles through his pants.
“Because, we… we won’t have a happy ending.” Arthur’s voice was so full of sadness that Merlin felt his throat tightening.
“What’s a happy ending?” he asked.
Arthur looked at him as if he was daft. “Two people who love each other and live…”
“Happily ever after? Arthur, no one can live forever, happily or not. There is no happy ending, someone always ends up hurt and alone. What matters is to be happy in the here and now.”
“I will still lose you.”
“Yes. You’ll lose me, tomorrow, next month, in ten years, or when we’re old and grey. Or maybe never because I’ll lose you first.”
“And that doesn’t bother you?”
“It breaks my heart,” Merlin smiled sadly. “I want nothing more than to live happily ever after with you. But I also know every person you love is someone you’ll risk losing later. I’ll lose Gaius, and you’ll lose your father, and we will lose knights, and children will lose their parents, and husbands their wives. So, yes, we are doomed. But so are everyone else, and that’s not going to stop me from loving you and from making the most of what time we have, however long that might be.”
They stayed silent for a while, Merlin still tracing patterns on Arthur’s thighs, while Arthur was mulling over everything Merlin had said.
“It doesn’t matter, then,” Arthur slowly said at last.
“Not really. If it means we are together right now, then I’ll happily be doomed.”
Arthur smiled at Merlin, and hoisted him back on his feet, before pulling him in onto his lap. They stayed like that for a moment, Arthur nuzzling Merlin’s cheek while nimble fingers were carding through his blonde hair.
“We are doomed. And I guess I am doomed to keep putting up with you,” Arthur sighed dramatically.
“Think you’ll be up to the task?”
“Hmm. I am to be a great King, after all. I can’t back down from a challenge.”
Merlin let a laugh escape, and when Arthur kissed him, he could feel his smile against his lips.
They were both doomed to loss, but also doomed to happiness, and realizing this, Arthur didn’t feel like knowing he was to be doomed was as heartbreaking as he'd originally thought.