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The first time Xie Lian could feel his soulmate he was around 8 years old.
It was a warm summer day. Xie Lian was playing outside, practicing with a sword when all of a sudden he was hit in the chest with a feeling of hurt. His arm hurt, burned, as if it was snapped in two and Xie Lian had a hard time controlling the pain that was running through his body.
“Your highness, are you okay?” someone asked. Xie Lian couldn’t reply, trying to keep the tears at bay that were threatening to fall.
“He just collapsed with a gasp!” another voice. So many voices.
“It must be his soulmate. What else could it be?”
Slowly the pain faded a bit. Just like it was supposed to. You feel your soulmate’s most intense emotions and then slowly they would fade on your side, but most often not on their side.
“My arm hurts,” Xie Lian cries out.
There is nothing you can do, not really. You just have to wait it out until the emotions from your soulmate eventually fade. Xie Lian’s arm is still okay, not hurt in any way so it would be useless to send him to the doctors.
Xie Lian never thought that the first thing he would feel from his soulmate was such unbearable pain, such agony.
What’s happening to you? Who hurt you?
Most people feel their soulmate for the first time when they experience happiness or laughter or love. Usually, little children get excited quite often, experiencing new emotions every day and just a parent making a weird face or blowing raspberries onto a baby’s skin can evoke extreme feelings of happiness which then their soulmate feels as well.
Xie Lian had never felt his soulmate before, not until now.
Don’t hurt, please, don’t hurt. You’re hurting me too.
Xie Lian doesn’t know how much time goes by but at one point the pain in his arm starts to fade and nothing but confusion and worry remains.
“Are you okay?” Feng Xin asks when Xie Lian seems to have calmed down again. Xie Lian nods.
“Was it your soulmate your highness?”
“I think so,” Xie Lian answers, “Their arm was hurt.”
His Guoshi nods, “Probably fell off a tree or something and broke it. Don’t worry too much about it Crown Prince. At least now your worry that your soulmate might not exist is soothed.”
Xie Lian doesn’t respond. Somehow he doesn’t believe his soulmate fell of a tree.
***
His soulmate never feels positive things.
Xie Lian learns that in the next years to come.
More and more frequently do Xie Lian’s body parts hurt, quick ripples of unbearable pain run through the prince’s body and he always has to bite down onto his teeth in order to not scream out in agony. Thankfully, the pain fades quite quickly. What becomes a constant companion of Xie Lian however is the loneliness his soulmate feels almost daily. It’s like the feeling never leaves, his soulmate always feeling sad, scared, terrified, lonely, angry.
It pains Xie Lian to know that his soulmate is suffering from such a young age and he aches, aches with his whole soul and heart to soothe his soulmate somehow.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m here, I promise I’m here.
Xie Lian wished he could find his soulmate and bring him to the palace to protect him.
****
One time it becomes especially bad. Xie Lian has slowly been getting used to the pain his soulmate feels, gets used to the constant underlining feeling of loneliness and despair. He feels selfish sometimes living in a place where he never hungers or gets hurt, with a loving family and friends.
His soulmate doesn’t have those things.
One day his right eye explodes in pain. He has no idea what’s happening, what could bring such pain. Xie Lian remembers getting ready for the day when his right eye starts burning, start hurting, aches with unbearable pain. And Xie Lian screams. He can’t hold it in this time, he hurts so much. He hurts, even more, knowing his soulmate is living through all this.
Xie Lian lies on the floor in his pristine palace, healthy, well-fed, warm and can’t stop the guilt that flows through his body.
Whos hurting you? Please stop hurting. I hate seeing you hurt all the time, I would do anything to stop your pain, to protect you.
He wished he could find his soulmate, protect him, take some of his soulmates hardships onto his own shoulder, wished he could make sure his soulmate is safe, protected, happy.
Let me help, let me help, let me help
And suddenly a totally different feeling of pain erupts on his skin. Xie Lian gasps when a new round of pain runs through his body but this time it doesn’t feel like the phantom pain of his soulmate but like his actual body was getting hurt. Xie Lian touched his right eye and felt something sticky.
Blood.
He should probably be more concerned with what was transpiring, more concerned that he was bleeding in the same place where his soulmate apparently was hurt as well. But he felt nothing but confusion.
This isn’t possible
He’s never heard of someone obtaining the injuries of their soulmate, never heard of that possibility. So how did Xie Lian…?
He crawled towards the big mirror in his room and stared at his face which was wet with tears, red eyes, and a snotty nose… and a cut over his eye. It wasn’t deep, nothing that could actually really hurt him. Only a small cut but it was bleeding and it was at the exact same space his soulmate had been hurting.
Only then does Xie Lian notice that his soulmate was suddenly feeling something completely new. Surprise, shock. His soulmate was probably just as surprised at what had occurred and Xie Lian wondered if he managed to take some of the pain away from his soulmate, made them feel less alone, less abandoned and scared.
Xie Lain tried to send over some kind of positive emotion. Tried to make his soulmate understand that they weren’t alone, that Xie Lian was here. And that he was willing to take some of his soulmates pain.
I want to protect you.
***
He didn’t tell anyone yet about what had happened, didn’t tell his parents or Feng Xin or Guoshi. He wasn’t sure if this could happen again or if it was a mistake, a joke of the universe or if he simply had just imagined everything. Xie Lian planned to try the same thing the next time his soulmate was hurt, tried to take some of the pain away and make it his own.
And since it was his soulmate and his soulmate got hurt all the time the next opportunity wasn’t too far.
This time it happened over dinner while his parents and Feng Xin were present. The atmosphere around the table was warm, felt like home. There was laughter, there was kindness and warmth.
And then Xie Lian’s stomach cramped. It doesn’t take him as much by surprise anymore when he erupts into pain as it did in the beginning. He’s gotten used to his soulmate getting hurt a lot, he knows the warning signs of another episode of pain coming in, knows how to ground himself. This time then pain travels from his stomach, then to his back, then to his arms and legs.
Based on the injuries, Xie Lian can guess that someone is beating up his soulmate. It makes him vivid. He’s angry at the world for letting his soulmate suffer, angry at the people for hurting his soulmate, angry at himself for not being able to do more .
He doesn’t notice how the room had slowly gone quite, how everyone was watching him with concerned but curious eyes. But Xie Lian doesn’t take notice of any of it. He focuses on his soulmate, on the pain alone and on his intensive desire to help his soulmate, to make him feel less abandoned, focus on the urge to take some of their pain.
He might be used to his soulmate’s pain by now but not yet familiar with transferring his soulmates pain and making it his own. He lets out a gasp when his stomach starts twisting and aching when one of his legs becomes a bit numb. But its bearable, it’s bearable and the sole idea that his soulmate feels less pain pushes Xie Lian forward. Xie Lian knows he succeeded when surprise paints his soulmates side. He lets out a sigh of relief. He once again took his soulmates pain.
“What did you do?” the stern voice of his Guoshi asks. He sounds concerned.
“I…” Xie Lian can’t answer yet, his stomach twists and hurts and it fees like the food he just consumed is being thrown from side to side. But its okay, it’s okay.
A hand grabs his robes and Xie Lian cant even react before his robes are opened and a gasp leaves his Guoshis mouth. He can hear his mom say something in the back, chairs moving, footsteps coming closer. Xie Lian looks down. His stomach has big green and blue bruises all over.
“How did you do that?” his Guoshi asks.
Xie Lian grabs the robes and closes them again, uncomfortable with so many people starring at his stomach. This is between his soulmate and himself.
“I didnt want them to hurt anymore.” Xie Lian answers because that’s the truth.
His father’s concerned voice sounds from somewhere besides Xie Lian, “How is this possible? Is this normal? To take the pain and injuries from your soulmate and make it your own?”
“I have heard about this,” his Guoshi answers and Xie Lian looks up in surprise, “It’s rare. It doesn’t happen often but it not impossible. The soulmate bond needs to be strong and both sides most be extremely desperate. The longer and more often you undertake this action, the easier it becomes to exchange feelings and take the pain away. It is unlikely to happen with smaller injuries like a scratch, however, the more often you take and give pain the more likely you are to take or give to much . It’s dangerous. An open channel like that can endanger both parties and lead to overstimulation or accidents. Such an intense relationship can be beautiful but it can also end in nothing but pain and abuse.”
Xie Lian listens to the words carefully. And maybe hes a bit full of himself but he firmly believes the latter wouldn’t happen to him, to them. Currently, he’s controlling how much pain he takes, he’s controlling how to send over emotions and back, he controls the channel since he build it in the first place. He doesn’t get hurt like his soulmate does, doesn’t need to send over pain. So how could he abuse it? He’s not that kind of person and he knows, deep in his heart that his soulmate isn’t either.
It won’t be them. Xie Lian will never be desperate enough to give all his pain to someone else.
***
After that, exchanging emotions and feelings grows easier. He often takes his soulmates pain away, just enough to not threaten Xie Lian’s life but enough to protect his soulmate. Sometimes he sends over positive emotions, whenever he feels happy and content, whenever he’s laughing a lot with Feng Xin and now also Mu Qing who had become his personal assistant.
His soulmate wasn’t feeling as sad anymore, Xie Lian could tell. Maybe knowing that Xie Lian was trying to help him was giving him comfort and hope. Xie Lian desperately hoped that at least that was the case.
He also tried to get hurt as little as possible. It was impossible of course, everyone got hurt, people dropped things, Xie Lian stumbled and fell, got hurt while practicing with his words. It was part of life but he tried to keep it to a minimum. His soulmate was already going through so much, was already hurting and struggling Xie Lian didn’t want to add to that. So he tried to be as careful as possible, making sure he wouldn’t hurt himself or feel negative emotions.
Xie Lian sometimes dreams of his soulmate; who it might be, how they might look, how they talk and see the world, what they like and dislike. He knows that they are younger since they only appeared when he was around 7 years old. He prays every day that they are healthy and stay protected. But his soulmate seems to be cursed by misfortune since often his prayers don’t get fulfilled. But that’s okay since Xie Lian is there now to stand by his soulmates side.
***
Time goes by and Xie Lian gets older, more experience, more confident in his abilities. People adore him, call him incredible, kind, pre-determined to experience a life full of riches and happiness. He spends less time with his parents, more time training, more time with Feng Xin and Mu Qing.
Xie Lians knows he lives quite a good life, knows a lot of people have high expectations of him, knows people think he will become a God sooner rather than later. In all that time he doesn’t forget about his soulmate. Its impossible not to, not with his soulmates intense anger and hurt, with his soulmate constantly in anguish.
Their channel grows stronger. It becomes so much more easier for Xie Lian to take his soulmates hurt, became easier to send him reassuring feelings. The whole process becomes part of his daily life. At one point its like muscle memory; he wakes up, prays for his soulmate, sends over positive emotions and hopes his soulmates will appreciate his efforts. Sometimes his soulmate sends something back, something that feels like thankfulness, admiration. Its always a bit weak his soulmate not finding it as easy to transmit emotions as Xie Lian. But its enough. It’s their own language, a language they created, a language no one else speaks. It’s like they talk to one another every day, always assuring the other that they are there.
The ShangYuan Ceremonial passes by, Xie Lian remembers the child he had caught, remembers how shaken and terrified the boy was. Distantly he could feel his soulmate be in pain but for once he couldn’t take care of that, couldnt take away his soulmates pain. There was just too much happening at once, he had to comfort the child in his arms, had to continue the parade. It took all his attention.
He hoped his soulmate wasn’t disappointed in him.
Xie Lian never really felt intense negative emotions. He hadn’t had a reason to. But when he sees how his cousin tries to ‘avenge’ him by beating up that child that he saved and stuffing him into a bag. Xie Lian had never felt such intense hatred and anger. He’s angry that such a young kid was hurt, was beaten, dragged through the mud. Hes angry that the little boy was pushed towards a point where he clings to him like a lifeline and cries into his chest. He’s vivid when everyone blames the boy for misfortune when they tell him the little boy is toxic. Xie Lian is angry and it overshadows all the feelings that his soulmate was experiencing simultaneously.
(Maybe if he had calmed down more, maybe if he had focused more on what his soulmate was feeling he would have been able to connect the dots, the signs that the little child was hurting in the same places, his soulmate was. Maybe, maybe, maybe…)
Xie Lians sees the little boy, bloodied, dirty, telling him he doesn’t want to go home and calling hismelf ugly. It reminds him of his own soulmate. His soulmate that was still out there and might be treated just the same as the elders were treating this child. It made his blood boil, made his heart thumb so quickly it hurt.
So he protects the child, gently talks to him, gently touches him, makes sure the boy knows he safe and that Xie Lian doesn’t resent him or blames him for the unfortunate events. Makes sure that even for a short while the child isn’t afraid.
And when the boy shouts desperately that he isn’t the cause for all the resentful spirits being attracted to him, Xie Lian holds him tightly and soothes him with words, “You're not. I know youre not. Don’t cry, now. I know your not.”
And when the boy breaks down into sobs in his arms Xie Lian can’t stop hoping that someone would take care of his soulmate like this as well
“Its not you. It’s not your fault.”
***
When he ascends into godhood Xie Lian feels… well he feels a lot. He feels powerful, he feels proud, achieved, happy. He feels like he could hold the skies, feels like he could move mountains. His life also becomes busier, having more and more responsibilities. His soulmate doesn’t take up as much place in his mind as they used to. Sometimes Xie Lian feels sad and guilty over it but part of life is getting busy and having to prioritize. However, he still sends his positive thoughts over every morning, still takes his soulmates pain whenever he can. The only difference is that now he takes every last feeling of pain. He’s a god now and can’t die. It’s only logical that he would take more, right?
Xie Lian also uses more of his resources to look for his soulmate. He cares for them a lot and desires nothing more than to meet them and speak to them. However, trying to find one person among millions is harder than he first thought. Even with his new powers, he cant point down which of the thousand boys that is hurting right now is his soulmate. Xie Lian cant find them, no matter what he does.
And before he can get really into, before he can find his soulmate he loses everything. It takes decades to build up a civilization, a society, a system but it can take only a few weeks for everything to fall apart.
Xien Le falls apart and so does he.
He never knew how good his life was until now, never knew how happy he was until now. Until he has nothing until he sees the imperial city stormed, sees people dying of the face disease, sees their disappointment, experiences their hatred towards him.
He feels despair, agony, hopelessness, failure. He feels these negative emotions so strongly it chokes him, makes him want to cut out his brain and heart and throw it all away. He doesn’t want to remember all the faces that died, doesn’t want to remember all the words and hate he received, all the pain.
Gently, something pushes at his chest, something good, something that feels like comfort.
Its what breaks him for the first time. He just found a little cottage where he can hide his parents and live with Mu Qing and Feng Xin. He told them he wanted to be alone for a while. So thats where he is, in the woods, hunger eating him up, he’s dirty and disgusting and when he feels his soulmate, he breaks. His soulmate, his soulmate that must be suffering under all of Xie Lian’s negative emotions, that has been suffering themselves all his life gently tries to comfort him, tries to comfort him and Xie Lian wails.
He clutches his chest, holding onto the feeling his soulmate transmits to him. The fleeting feeling of comfort is like a lifeline he desperately clings to. He’s relieved to find out that his soulmate is still out there, somehow, somewhere. He’s relieved that despite everything that happened his soulmate was still standing by his side (though Xie Lian is positive that that would change if his soulmate knew who exactly he was). But in that moment he feels so fragile, so vulnerable and that little piece of comfort breaks and heals something in him at the same time.
Thank you. Thank you for staying
***
Xie Lian thought it couldn’t get worse but it does, it gets so much worse.
He feels like he’s slowly going insane, the person he used to be falling apart day by day. He cant recognize himself anymore and he’s terrified, absolutely terrified of encountering White-No-Face. He doesn’t remember the last time he felt anything positive, doesn’t remember the last time he felt warm or well-fed. Doesn’t remember what happiness felt like.
He feels cold everyday, he feels despair everyday, he feels hopeless everyday.
And then Mu Qing leaves.
And its like another knife to his heart. He understands why and doesn’t want to hold a grudge against Mu Qing but it still hurts.
His only shining light and anchor is his soulmate. However, his soulmate feels so weak, so light. As if the next strong wind would blow away his presence. Xie Lian doesn’t know what happened to them, if they were hurt or weakened or imprisoned or whatever. But their presence isn’t as strong anymore as it used to be and it worries Xie Lian. He’s so fearful of losing another piece of himself that he pushes all worst-case scenarios out of his head. Despite their fragile state his soulmate tries to transmit positive feelings; small, reassuring messages of I’m here.
But the feelings are weak, fragile and instantly overshadowed by Xi Lian’s darker feelings.
He still appreciates everything his soulmate does.
****
Xie Lian is sure that no one ever experienced as much pain in their life as when he gets stabbed over, and over, and over and over and overandoverandoverandover . No one hears his screams and begs and his anguish, he screams for help, cries for everything to stop. The pain is unbearable and he just wants it gone, gone, gone, gone, gone. Take it away, take it away please take. IT. AWAY!!!
And he can feel it leave after the 20th stab, can feel some of the pain in his arms, where people stabbed before hitting his vital parts, leave,=, can feel some of the pain wash away and …
He panics.
He remembers his Guoshis words, remembers how he warned that a soulmate connection so open could bring disaster and pain. Xie Lian had always been more in control of their exchange, had been the first to initiate it and through his hazy, painfilled mind he remembers.
If his soulmate takes all this pain, all this unbearable, horrible pain. If Xie Lian just pushes it onto his lovely soulmate and gets hurt… Xie Lian couldn’t forgive himself. Could never forgive himself for subjecting his soulmate to such torture. And his soulmate had been so weak lately, so far away and fragile.
Don’t take it, don’t, please I can’t loose you too
And with that, he closes their channel. The connection they had opened and worked so many years on. It hurts. It feels like losing something again , something he held so dear to his heart, treasured so much.
Xie Lian doesn’t even get a moment to mourn for his destroyed connection since the pain of his torture returns in seconds. He forgets about his soulmate, focused solely on surviving this, surviving this torture in any kind of way.
He falls into a half-delirious state, he feels nothing but pain and agony. Cant even come close to comprehending anything else.
He only knows that something broke inside him that he will never get back.
***
Feng Xin leaves.
His parents leave.
And in a way, Xie Lian leaves as well. He doesn’t recognize himself. He’s lost everything that made him him and for some reason, he can’t find it in himself to care.
Distantly he can feel his soulmate nudging their broken connection, trying to rebuild the channel but Xie Lian doesn’t help them. He’s scared of hurting his soulmate just like he’s hurt everyone else, he’s scared of losing his soulmate just like he lost everyone else. So while he cant remove their bond and he still feels his soulmates feelings (worry, determination) and his soulmate probably still feels him (if that even possible Xie Lian just feels numb nowadays), he won’t rebuild their channel, won’t let his soulmate comfort him or take some of his pain.
Its Xie Lian’s pain anyway.
(He’s terrified of losing the one last person that’s left… but who wouldn’t? After everything he’s done, everything he’s said.. And everything he will do)
***
His soulmate stays. For some weird, incomprehensible reason. Xie Lian ignores them however, them and their bond. He doesn’t respond to the others continued interaction, doesn’t reopen the channel. Plainly ignores his soulmate.
He believes its the only way he can protect his lovely soulmate from the evil that spreads within Xie Lian.
Somewhere deep inside he’s terrified of himself. Terrified of the strong desire to unleash the Human Face Disease and make everyone suffer just like he suffered, terrified of the person he’s turning into.
But its a small voice.
So he pushes it away just like he pushes everyone away.
****
Wu Ming at the end of the day is his savior.
Xie Lian was so out of reality he remembers very little of Wu Ming.
He despises himself for it.
Wu Ming stood by him and Wu Ming gave his life for Xie Lian.
He feels ashamed for what he did, not worthy of a second ascension.
So he asks to be banned again.
Only when he’s back in the mortal realm, a couple days after his banishment does he noticed he hasn’t felt his soulmate in days. He waits, and waits, and waits. Waits for just a tiny presence, just the smallest of feelings, just a hint of pain. There’s nothing. Not the next day, not the next week, not the next month, not the next year.
Please give them back. Please give them back to me. I miss them. I miss them so desperately.
He despises himself even more for not even having noticed the exact time is soulmate died. For not even having been there for his soulmate in their last moments.
He’s ashamed of the person he became, ashamed by how he treated the people closest to his heart, ashamed of letting feelings of hate and revenge consume his soul.
The only way forward is reflecting and slowly building a new person, a person that is better than what he used to be. Even though he knows he’ll never be truly good. Even though he knows, he’ll never be able to repay the pain and damage he caused.
****
Xie Lian tries to ignore the hole in his chest where his soulmate used to be. The deep emptiness. He cries for them, mourns for them, bargains with some higher entity to give them back. But his chest stays empty.
He misses them. Whoever they were at the end.
Misses their connection, misses their presence, their own little gestures, and the language they created together. A language based on feelings and emotions.
I hope I made you happy at least once.
****
As centuries go by Xie Lian gets used to the loneliness and gets used to the emptiness in his chest. He still misses his soulmate, missed him dearly and wishes he hadn’t pushed them away towards the end. But what’s done is done and there is nothing Xie Lian can do about it.
He creates a little shrine for them next to a stream. He lights an incense stick and promises to come by once in a while.
He ascends for the third time and promises himself to do better.
****
“I hope I’m not asking anything invading but… do you have a soulmate?” Xie Lian asks San Lang one day. They just had gotten back to Ghost City after Xie Lian investigated the case with the evil child spirit. … And its also where San Lang has kissed him (only to give him air… not because of...). But it made Xie Lian feel something and that something made his heart beat erratically, made his hands shake and made him think things he hadn’t thought before. (Maybe he’s going crazy, who knows, he definitely doesn’t.)
His feelings are all over the place. And he tries to not think about it too deeply, tries not to interpret too much into San Langs’s gestures. Because maybe Hua Cheng doesn’t mean it the way Xie Lian interpreted it and his soulmate...
“You think Ghosts don’t have soulmates?” San Lang asks, it’s not biting or judgemental, it’s curious.
Xie Lian shakes his head, “No, I know they do… as long as one’s spirit is in this world, they have a soulmate. I was merely curious.”
San Lang looks at him for a while before nodding, “I do have a soulmate and I also know who they are.”
For some reason, Xie Lian’s heart sinks . He’s an asshole and he knows that. The fact that he disappointed that Hua Cheng has a soulmate. It shouldn’t be like that. He should be happy for his friend. Hua Cheng is kind. Hes kind and funny and incredible and nice and good and handsome and smart and- anyway Hua Cheng deserve s a soulmate so Xie Lian should be happy.
(So why does it hurt?)
“Oh,” a smile. It feels fake. “That’s great! Why aren’t you with them?”
Xie Lian asks even though he knows he shouldn’t, “I don’t think they are ready yet. I’ve already waited a long time and I will wait another thousand centuries if I have to.”
Xie Lian smiles. San Lang has a lot of love to give and it pains him that people underestimate San Lang’s heart, don’t see him for the incredible person he really is, “They must be very special.” Xie Lian answers.
“They are.” San Lang responds without missing a second, “The most special person in the world.” And he just stares . Stares right into Xie Lian’s eyes and Xie Lian doesn’t understand.
What are you trying to tell me?
He pushes the hurt in his chest away. He pretends like he isn’t jealous, isn’t hurt by San Lang saying that after kissing him in the water (he did that to help you, it wasn’t a kiss, idiot!)
“What about Gege? Wheres your soulmate?”
Xie Lian looks down. He’s learned to live with the empty feeling of losing a soulmate. It happens to a lot of people so he cant pity himself. Though he still remembers his soulmate with all clarity, remembers everything about them.
“They died a long time ago. Sometime during my second ascension. I’ve never met them.” Xie Lian explain. He’s sad but it’s not painful anymore, not like it used to be.
“They died?” San Lang looks at him with confusion. “How do you know they died?”
“Ah well, I was always able to feel them in some way and at one point I noticed that they just completely disappeared. So I figured they died.”
San Lang looks away, then nods, “I’m sorry to hear that.”
Xie Lian smiles though it doesn’t reach his eyes, “Its okay, I got used to it.”
****
The thing is… Hua Cheng confuses him. Extremely.
It doesn’t take long for Xie Lian to notice that he likes San Lang. That he like the Ghosts presence, companionship, the way he speaks, his talents, his voice, his body. He simply just likes San Lang.
And Xie Lian is soulmate less, its not unusual for people who couldn’t find their soulmates or don’t have one to find love in people that arent their soulmate.
But San Lang said he did have a soulmate, and he said that it’s the most precious person for him.
And years of being alone, years of just being by himself has made Xie Lian see things a bit differently. He doesn’t assume that he even comes close to San Lang’s soulmate, he doesn’t assume that San Lang likes him that much. Xie Lian knows that San Lang likes him to a certain extend, sees him as a friend and … then there are the kisses but Xie Lian knows he doesn’t come close to his soulmate.
At least that’s what he tells his traitorous heart every day. Don’t get too involved, don’t get to attached. He’s waiting for someone.
Xie Lian doesn’t understand why San Lang kisses him or why he seems so protective of Xie Lian or why he stays.
However, Xie Lian uses the opportunity basks in the others attention, he lives in it, craves it. He can’t get enough of San Lang, wants San Lang to look at him and l ike him, wants to be held and touched by him, wants to be important to San Lang and be kissed by him.
But at the same time, it hurts. Because Xie Lian wants so much , and he knows, he knows. He knows with an aching, painful clarity that he’s asking for too much, asking for more than San Lang can give him.
Xie Lian has to remind hismelf every day that San Lang has a soulmate. And that soulmate isn’t Xie Lian. And no amount of wishful thinking can change that.
****
And maybe Xie Lian is wrong for confessing his feelings to San Lang, maybe he’s wrong for being greedy and taking what’s not his to be taken.
And then thing is he should talk to San Lang. Ask If your soulmate is ready for you, will you abandon me? Am I also precious to you? Do I come close to your soulmate? Am I enough?
And maybe he’s a bit confused because Hua Chengs was there by his side for all these years, dedicated statue after statue for him, never stopped believing in him. And Xie Lian knows now that he is loved by San Lang, that San Lang genuinely cares about him. San Lang would not have gone through all these hardships if Xie Lian didn’t mean at least a bit to him.
He still doesn’t understand how the soulmate fits into all of this.
It hurts him to know that there was someone out there that could feel San Langs feelings, could feel his pain, could feel his happiness. Xie Lian wished he could be that person, wished he could send happiness towards San Lang or take his pain just like he had done with his soulmate.
He’s more insecure about his relationship then Xie Lian wants to admit. He loves San Lang, genuinely loves him and if San Lang lets him would spend the rest of his life with him… but he can’t get San Langs soulmate out of his head. Can’t stop feeling guilty for taking San Lang away from his soulmate, can’t help think that he’s being too selfish, can’t help but think that if San Langs soulmate would return San Lang would abandon Xie Lian. It would be totally understandable, it would be his soulmate after all.
But Xie Lian is too scared to ask, too scared to clarify and frankly, there is no time, not with all the loose ends slowly tying together, not when they need to stop a plague, not when they need to stop Jun Wu.
So he pushes all those stupid feelings away, pushes them far, far away and tries to concentrate on the task in front of him.
****
It slowly starts making sense once White-No-Face starts commenting on it.
It comes out as a last attempt to bring Xie Lian to his side though Xie Lias doesn’t comprehend how White-No-Face still believes Xie Lian is willing to do that.
“You don’t even have a soulmate! So what are you here for. No one will ever love you, everyone just left you, tossed you aside when they couldn’t use you anymore. And you still protect them? Have you no self-respect?!” He shouts while once again slamming Xie Lian’s head into the stone.
Its one of the last insecurities he has left, people leaving him and more importantly San Lang leaving him. But it’s not enough to make him change sides. Never would be.
“That’s a lie.” San Lang shouts. He sounds pained, angry, “ I’m his soulmate.”
White-No-Face stops for a while that one split second showing that his facade is slowly cracking, “Oh?” his grip on Xie Lian doesn’t loosen, “Seems like Xie Lian doesn’t know this? Doesn’t it require two to form a soulmate bond?” And then he laughs. It sounds crazy, like a maniac possed him.
Xie Lian doesn’t know why Hua Cheng said that when they both know it’s not true but it gives them a big enough distraction. White-No-Face loses concentration for a second and Xie Lian can free himself from his grip.
And then, and then, and then.
And then Hua Cheng tells him he can do it, that he is powerful enough. The shackles around his neck and ankle explode and he feels free and powerful in a way he hadn’t for centuries.
They manage to defeat White-No-Face and Xie Lian finally, finally after centuries manages to breathe.
And then he feels it again. Something he hadn’t thought was possible, something he had long abandoned, something he had mourned and cried about. But it fits into him like always, like it never disappeared, like two puzzle pieces.
He can feel his soulmate.
He should be happier about it but the only thing he can think about is San Lang . And that now this complicates everything. because while he missed his soulmate, he loves San Lang now, and-
“Dianxia.” San Lang, it’s always San Lang.
Xie Lian turns towards him and smiles, he loves this man so much it’s unbearable, “Gege can you feel it?”
“Huh?”
San Lang cups his cheeks runs a hand over some of Xie Lian’s scratches, a butterfly kisses his wounds away. His soulmate bond is content, relaxed, happy.
“Our soulmate bond…” San Lang whispers with a smile.
Xie Lian’s eyes widen, “It’s you?”
San Lang looks him into the eyes and heaven Xie Lian could drown in him, “I thought you knew?”
Xie Lian frantically shakes his head and takes a step closer to his San Lang, “No! I thought… I don’t know what I thought but I thought you were still waiting for-”
It feels so stupid to say out loud now and maybe it was obvious from the start. Hua Cheng had built him temples, statues, had stayed by his side for centuries. Who else would do so much if it wasn’t for a special person?
“Oh my love, no. I’m sorry, I didn’t explicitly tell you. I thought you knew.” San Lang presses a kiss against his forehead, “I’ve known for such a long time.”
Xie Lian can’t help himself but laugh. He crushes San Lang into a tight hug, so happy, so unbearably happy that San Lang was his ( his!) soulmate, “Can you feel that San Lang?” he asks with a giddy smile.
“Hm.” San Lang confirms and draws him closer, “I can feel your happiness and love. Can you feel mine?”
Xie Lian touches onto the soulmate bond that he had for such a long time missed and longed for. He can feel San Langs happiness, his relief, his love, his admiration.
Xie Lian still can’t process everything that has happened in such a short time. But he also knows that he has to come clean now, owns San Lang an explanation, owns him the truth about his past and hope that despite knowing his darkest secret he would continue to stay.
So he begins to explain that he was about to become the white calamity. He’s scared to feel repulsion or disgust through their newly uncovered bond but there nothing but acceptance and love and before Xie Lian knows San Lang was Wu Ming.
Youve always been there.
He almost starts crying again.
But then he can feel their soulmate bond weakening, can see San Lang fade, can feel San Lang push comfort through their bond, reassurance but it doesn’t stop Xie Lian from panicking, desperately grabbing San Lang as if his willpower alone can keep his beloved in this world.
“You said you would never leave me.” Xie Lian tries desperately. He cant lose everything again, not this, not when he just got it back.
“But I will never leave you.” And he says it with such conviction, with such sincerity that Xie Lian can do nothing but believe him.
****
“It was the banishment shackle, right?” Xie Lian asks his Guoshi
“That suppressed your soulmate bond?” Xie Lian nodded. “Yes. He thought that if you lose everything you would be more willing to join his side. Soulmates are powerful, they can keep you company, can keep you sane. So while putting the banishment shackle onto you he made sure it would suppress your soulmate bond as if your soulmate was dead.”
****
Even with San Lang disappearing their soulmate bond stays intact. Despite Xie Lian’s fear that it would disappear the moment San Lang disappears, it didn’t. It stayed strong, healthy, waiting for the other side to wake up. It stayed even if Xie Lian was unable to feel anything from his soulmate other then peacefulness and tiredness. Hua Cheng must have given way more spiritual energy away then Xie Lian first thought, must be extremely tired. Soe Xie Lian lets him rest, lets his beloved take care of himself. In the meantime, he took comfort in the bond. Falling into old patterns was easy; every morning just like he used to Xie Lian would send gentle emotions towards San Lang hoping it would comfort his lover. He also started to rebuild the channel he had destroyed so many centuries ago.
He only had to wait for San Lang to become lucid on the other side again.
****
Knowing that San Lang was his soulmate, knowing that San Lang was the child he had protected makes him feel… well, it makes him feel things. Xie Lian had never forgotten how much pain is soulmate had gone through at such a young age and knowing that it had been San Lang, his dear San Lang, hurt.
He wished he would have listened to his heart and emotions more back then, wished he wouldn’t have been blinded so much by anger when he found out what Qi Rong did and instead listen to his soulmate and connect the dots that the little boy was his soulmate. Maybe it would have saved them years of waiting and yearning.
Sometimes he gets angry at the world for having treated San Lang so cruelly, angry at all the people that dared put a hand onto his soulmate, angry that he hadn’t done more as a child.
He promises himself to make up for it for the rest of his life.
****
He comes back, of course, he comes back. Xie Lian feels him before he sees him, feels him in the way their conenction sparks with love and warmth, sparks with anticipation and giddiness. And then he runs, he runs towards his love and jumps into his arms and there nothing but love, love, love.
****
“I wish I had protected you more.” Xie Lian whispers into San Lang’s shoulders.
A kiss. Gentle, kind, warm. “You kept me alive back then. You were always there, always someone I could rely on, always willing to help me. You didn’t only protect me Gege, you saved me.”
Xie Lian’s eyes are wet, he’s been a bit emotional the last couple of hours, “You were hurting so much though.”
San Lang takes his hand, gently caresses it, “And then you hurt later on as well. It’s not a competition, love. We both hurt. Way too much. But I want you to know,” San Lang intertwines their hands and presses them to his chest, “That you were the first one to show me kindness. I was so sure that my soulmate would hate me for constantly inflicting pain onto them. For constantly making them feel bad things. But instead, you took some of my pain, you tried to make me feel better. You're so kind.”
Xie Lian doesn’t know what to say so he just scoots closer, craving San Lang's body, “The connection we build, it was my everything. It meant so much to me. And when you even protected me in real life, despite knowing I brought nothing but misfortune, you still protected me. I knew then that I would do everything to keep you happy, to protect you. I'm sorry I failed.” A kiss and then a whisper, “I'm sorry I couldn't take your pain at the temple.” Xie Lian really starts crying now, he can't stop the silent tears rolling down his cheeks, he just feels so much, feels his own emotions and those of San Lang at the same time. It’s like his whole chest is close to exploding.
“Don't apologize, please.” Xie Lian whispers, “I'm just so happy.”
Hua Cheng gently wipes away the tears rolling down his cheek, “Let’s stay together for a while okay?” San Lang asks, his voice small, a bit uncertain.
“Forever.” Xie Lian corrects.
San Lang laughs and kisses him, “Forever.”