Chapter Text
Chenle is 4 years old when he first meets Jisung. He’s at the playground with his parents when suddenly there’s another boy in the sandpit, a little younger, and a little softer around the edges. Slowly they scoot a little closer and Chenle holds his breath as he makes the step to ask to play together. After that, it isn’t too long before their parents hear the telltale giggles, and the first signs of friendship.
Chenle is 6 years old when he walks into the first day of elementary school and sees a familiar figure. Chenle’s awkward, with limbs a little too stubby and a lisp that comes from his mother tongue. But even then, he tries to grab onto Jisung, clinging onto him even when the teacher tries to make him new friends. Jisung just laughs, pinky promising that they’ll be best friends forever.
Chenle is 12 years old when his mom tells him that his dad is leaving, that he’s chosen another family. Chenle knows they’ve been arguing almost every night but that doesn’t stop him from feeling like he’s drowning. He hates it. He hates feeling helpless to do anything, to save what he knows is already gone. So he holds onto those memories and makes the 20 minute walk to the only person he can now call home.
Jisung’s playing outside with his older brother when a red-eyed and distressed Chenle runs to him. Just like always, he opens his arms and welcomes his best friend. He listens to the frantic recount and tries to sooth the other boy. It’s not hard to convince his mom to let him sleep over for the night, although harder to appease Chenle’s own mom, but finally she agrees. And Jisung knows that the boy in his arms can finally relax and get some sleep.
Chenle is 14 when he throws his first punch and gets into his first fight. He’s toughened enough to talk back, and he’s not afraid of the teachers or what happens to him. His mom’s never home, working herself to the bone to keep them alive. He feels bad when she’s called in from that 3rd job he’s never liked her doing, but not enough to say sorry to the other boys sporting bruises.
They ask him why; he remembers his mom crying when she asks him what went wrong. Chenle knows that somewhere between his older friends, and sneaking out to get away, that he’s changed. But that won’t stop him from protecting the only thing that hasn’t changed.
He knows other people will talk, and parents will judge even more than they already do, but it’s worth it. Chenle never wants to see Jisung cry again, and now the bullies know that as well. That’s all that matters because more than ever, only Jisung treats him like the boy he wants to be able to be.
Chenle is 16 when he and Jisung get ready to go to their first house party. High school is a whole new environment and Jisung’s popular enough to land invitations. Chenle has his own way into parties, so he promises to be there for his best friend, to celebrate yet another first.
They meet up at Jisung’s house now that he gets the bigger room while his brother is away at university. Chenle unloads his backpack half-hazardly onto the mattress, uncaring about the contents.
The makeup and clothes are soon put into usage and by the time Jisung’s done with it, Chenle feels pretty and delicate for the first time in years. Even still, he still can’t help but stare when Jisung emerges from the washroom, smeared eyeliner in comparison to his shimmery eyeshadow. Jisung looks handsome, he looks like a masterpiece.
It’s loud, the floors are sticky, and there’s people everywhere. Chenle meets the eyes of the people looking at them when they walk in. The attention makes him nervous and he tucks his head onto Jisung’s shoulders. Sensing his tension, an arm is wrapped around his shoulder comfortingly. From this angle, Chenle can’t help but admire how in his element Jisung is, floating around and talking to others, although his arm never leaves Chenle.
It’s later when they’re sat on the couch, cups of drinks long downed where Chenle starts to feel fuzzy. He’s too far gone to realize that he’s gone from sitting beside Jisung to onto his lap. There’s pretty girls and pretty boys surrounding them and Chenle’s pretty sure they’re on Jisung’s dance team. They’re laughing about something but Chenle can’t keep up when the only thing he can feel is the warmth from Jisung’s chest, and his arms feeling like home.
Soon enough, Jisung’s carrying them to the uber he booked sometime between Chenle dozing off and the blunt he had hit. It’s early morning now, and Chenle is still clinging onto his best friend. When he’s tucked into the Park’s guest bedroom (really just Jisung’s old room, transformers posters still intact), he can swear his heart skips a beat. Call it drunken stupor but Chenle is sure he feels lips on his forehead, fingers through his hair, and a soft goodnight.
The next day, Chenle doesn’t bring it up and neither does Jisung. Nothing changes and everything is just as good when they sit down to play Mario Kart, screaming and yelling at each other. It’s ironically peaceful and Jisung is looking at him just enough that Chenle is starting to think that he wasn’t dreaming.
Chenle’s 17 when the loud parties become a normal lifestyle. Jisung invites him to another one, some type of after party for his dance team. He knows them now from the hours he spends waiting for Jisung to finish practice, smoking in the back alley behind the studio. It takes him a few drinks to get into it but soon he’s feeling just as good as ever.
They’re a couple of hours in and Chenle’s a bit more buzzed than before. He’s looser and has since lost sight of Jisung to the madness and frantic rush of bodies aiming to get their fill of the thrill. He’s in a circle, a game of spin the bottle going on as a blunt is passed around. He knows them, he’s kissed more than a couple of the girls in the circle but he still feels like an intruder without Jisung’s slender frame locked next to him.
The bottle soon lands on him and to his surprise, it’s not a girl this time. He knows how spin the bottle works and frankly, he’s too high to care. A body is a body, kissing is easy enough. The boy is nice enough too. Jeno’s pretty, he’s warm and his lips look more than inviting. When they meet, sparks fly and for the first time, he’s chasing more.
When they break apart, cheeks rosy, there’s electrifying tension. But with the next spin and the next hit, he’s long forgotten anything except that he kissed a boy and he thinks it’s better than all the cherry glossed girls he’s kissed before.
Jisung stands shocked, stuck between entering the room and running as far away as possible. Chenle’s pretty he concedes. But he can’t think of anything that looks prettier than a flushed Chenle with bruised lips, eyes starry and unfocused. He can’t get it out of his mind and he doesn’t think he ever wants to.
Jisung is still 17 when he realizes that he might be in love. He’s out in the park with Chenle after dragging him into helping him babysit his younger cousin. Contrary to popular belief, Chenle is soft and delicate in a way that’s vulnerable and needs to be protected. The piercings are meant to scare and often enough, the bruises are the only thing people care enough to see about him.
He’s smiling, a smile reserved for Jisung and the times when he can be carefree and happy. Chenle’s playing tag with Somin, laughing and running around like a kid. Jisung can’t stop thinking, barely noticing when Chenle runs up to him and gives him a little shove. That smile, the memories they’ve shared, he swears that Chenle is every bit as innocent as he was all those years ago.
It’s 6 months later when Chenle tells Jisung about Jeno. They’ve been talking, he says, all soft smiles and dimples. Jisung can barely breath, he wants to leave but he knows he can’t without any explanation. And so Jisung smiles, glad to at least see the happiness in Chenle’s eyes, even if it’s not because of him.
When they break up after 2 months, Jisung’s there again to put the pieces back together. Like when he was 12, he sleeps over. Their limbs are a little too long to fit in the single bed but they make it work. Chenle cries his heart out, saying how Jeno said that he didn’t feel like his boyfriend compared to Jisung. And amongst Chenle’s heartbreak, Jisung realizes that his love doesn’t believe it, no matter what he does or who tells him, he doesn’t believe it, and he feels his own heart slowly crumble.
It’s once Chenle falls asleep that Jisung cards his hands through Chenle’s mop of newly-dyed hair, unable to stop the tears from escaping his eyes.
They’re 18 when the rushed goodbyes come. They promise to keep in contact, but promises when one’s become even harsher with his heart broken and the other’s living through the same heartbreak every day don’t end as they want to. Even the childish promises can’t hold their frail relationship together.
They don’t talk. And when Jisung, 23 now, living in Seoul above the dance studio he’s proud to call his own, flips through his childhood photos, he remembers, and he lives through the love and the hurt. And maybe it would have only taken one word, maybe he had just needed to ask Chenle to stay.