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The pain. Anguish. Despair.
Iwaizumi Hajime could still recall every single emotion that he felt at the moment of their final set abruptly ending. The yellow-blue ball hitting the floor. His teammates falling onto the ground. Karasuno exploding into cheers.
He felt utterly defeated. Lost. All alone. Until a familiar hand slapped him across the back and brought him back to reality. The Captain that always smiled and never lost hope. When every other boy in white and turquoise wanted to hide away and shut everyone out, there was one whose spirit never broke. Iwaizumi relished the uncomfortable sting where Oikawa’s hand left a red mark, promising himself he would keep it together, at least until everyone else was out of sight. His high-school volleyball career just ended.
But what seemingly lasted for hours was the lingering touch of their setter, moving his hand halfway across Iwaizumi’s back. It was a movement completely connected to his first, making it seem that Oikawa had simply continued the slapping motion into a consolatory pat or a half-done hug whilst they were walking towards the exit of the arena.
The gentle caress portrayed something more than friendly encouragement. Iwaizumi was about to ask his best friend whether he was alright, but the setter had already walked past the rest of their team. Hanamaki was about to ask their captain for a word, but Oikawa quickly excused himself to the bathroom and left them all staring at his back.
Things might have been different had Iwaizumi given him some space that day. Had he simply waited for the brunet to return to his team. They would have left the tournament feeling utterly defeated, but knowing they did their best. Or at least Oikawa would make them admit that because there was no point in blaming anyone. Iwaizumi would slowly find other things to enjoy and the obsession with volleyball would fade away. He and Oikawa could’ve stayed friends.
Instead, the spiker found himself running after his friend along the half-empty corridors. It took him a few minutes to find the bathroom Oikawa had entered, but he sighted the setter hunched over a sink, water running over his brown hair.
“You should go back to the team. They really need to hear some-“
“What about what I need?!” Iwaizumi was taken aback by the other boy’s outburst. “I know what they need… I know what I should say… I just… I can’t.”
“I-I’ll let you have a minute.” Iwaizumi was about to turn around and walk through the door, but the brunet’s hand was already on the doorknob.
“Oikawa, what-“ The setter’s brown eyes pierced straight through Iwaizumi, leaving him unable to look at anything else but the tears forming at their corners.
His slender fingers grasped around the doorknob, turning it slowly until a discernable click was audible. Oikawa’s other hand reached for Iwaizumi’s collar, tentatively pulling at the fabric. It was almost a question – yes or no? Remain where you are or let him pull you close. The choice was Iwaizumi’s, but the tears that strolled down the brunet’s face took it away from him.
He let himself be pulled closer, until there was nothing but a thin layer of air and clothes between them. Oikawa’s bangs hid half his face, but the tear-streaked cheeks and lips pressed into a thin line were hard enough to look at. Iwaizumi wanted to yell and shake him out of it, but his body was paralyzed with a palpable static between them.
“This is what I need. Hajime. Please.” If the desperation in his voice wasn’t enough, Iwaizumi definitely felt the bulge barely contained by Oikawa’s shorts.
They were locked up in a bathroom, hundreds of people just a short distance down the hall. Their teammates waiting for Oikawa’s words, probably trying their best to supress their own tears. A friendship of over a decade held down by a few pieces of fabric. Iwaizumi’s mind unable to decide.
“You don’t have to. I’ll find someone else.” Those words pierced through Iwaizumi’s heart. They were spoken with an iciness that the dark-haired boy didn’t expect from his friend, but their effect was imminent. Rage filled the spiker as he slammed the bathroom doors with both of his palms, producing a loud bang and startling the other boy.
“Who else would you find?! You’d just walk out there and ask some random person to fu-“
“Yes.”
Iwazumi felt himself fall apart. Oikawa looked up at him in all seriousness, tears still forming at the corners of his eyes, but there was resignation in his face, tangled with lust and need that Iwaizumi couldn’t run away from.
“Hajime. Please.”
Iwaizumi crumbled down into tiny pieces, hating himself for his weakness, hoping his hands would stop moving. But they started climbing their way across Oikawa’s back, gently at first, but as soon as the setter let out a small sigh and leaned into his touch, Iwaizumi’s hands grasped at his friend’s muscles and slammed their bodies together.
Iwaizumi lost all restraint now, feeling the taut skin of the person whom everyone’s eyes followed wherever he went. His perfect face, big round eyes, a body that made every girl in their school stare without shame. He tried grabbing at Oikawa’s chin and lifting it upwards for a kiss he desperately wanted, but the setter pulled his own face away. He wouldn’t let Iwaizumi kiss him, but he rolled his hips right across the spiker’s middle and Iwaizumi groaned in both annoyance and satisfaction.
Before he could protest this thing they were doing if Oikawa didn’t want to be touched, the brunet turned his back towards Iwaizumi and started lowering his shorts.
“Oikawa, this is… We can’t just-“
“Please.”
Iwaizumi’s hands were already on his best friend’s behind, his fingers slowly circling around his entrance.
“Hajime!”
The plea left the brunet’s mouth in such a hurry that Iwaizumi couldn’t stop his fingers from entering. He cursed himself for complying with anything his best friend wanted right now because he was rational enough to understand that Oikawa was using this, using Iwaizumi, to cope with their loss. The rest of him shut the explanation in the darkest corner of his mind, as he moved his fingers inside Oikawa who was desperately grabbing at the doors and pushing him further inside.
Iwaizumi couldn’t believe the heat radiating from the brunet and the way his fingers felt no resistance as they glided in and out of the impatient athlete. Oikawa slammed himself hard onto Iwaizumi’s hand and desperately asked for more.
“Oikawa, fuck.” Iwaizumi’s entire composure was left waiting outside in the hall as he fumbled with his clothes and pulled everything down in one swift motion. He pulled his fingers out and Oikawa whimpered and yelped in protest, but as soon as Iwaizumi filled him in with his length, the setter yelled out in surprise.
“Do you need a moment-“ But the brunet pushed himself behind, swallowing up every inch of Iwaizumi in under a second, a loud scream breaking through his lips. With every thrust and roll of his hips, Oikawa produced another muffled moan as he barely hung onto the wooden doors. Iwaizumi wrapped his hands around the brunet’s hips, trying to steady himself and align them until another scream broke through and Oikawa’s back was arched and his breathing so ragged, all of which made Iwaizumi’s struggle of whether they should continue all the more easier.
He noticed the hitched breaths and Oikawa’s panting becoming louder and louder so he ventured toward the brunet’s front with one hand to bring him release, but his hand was sloppily slapped away and Oikawa shot him the best angry look he could muster in that moment. A pair of chocolate-brown eyes with irises wide open with despair and lust, but angry with Iwaizumi’s attempt at any other form of physical contact.
The spiker increased the rhythm of his thrusts, desperately clinging onto Oikawa and absorbing every moan that escaped the brunet’s lips. He knew he couldn’t last much longer, but Oikawa was already scratching at the doors and twitching with relief as Iwaizumi angled him just right and listened to a yell of absolute pleasure. His own release followed shortly suit as Oikawa’s insides squeezed him tight and twitched with every little thrust.
He took a few seconds to catch his breath, his arms still draped across the brunet’s behind as he did his best to get back into reality after his climax. Before he even got the chance to open his eyes, Oikawa moved away from him, quickly disentangling them and leaving Iwaizumi depraved of all warmth.
“Thanks.”
The setter muttered in a low voice, pulling his pants up and taking fast strolls towards a stall at the other end of the bathroom. Iwaizumi couldn’t say a word as he watched another tear fall down Oikawa’s face, but the stall door closed and the lock was pulled. The spiker was left standing at the bathroom entrance with his shorts around his ankles and he knew there was nothing to say. He cursed under his breath and unlocked the bathroom, leaving to meet up with his team.
…
Two years later
22:43
Just over an hour left of his shift.
Iwaizumi lazily stared at the few passersby through the window, knowing quite well that not many customers walked through the door so late in the evening. He was sitting behind the counter of his family’s convenience store which mostly catered to locals and businessmen going home after a long day at work. The store had been in his family for over 30 years and the profit wasn’t anything extraordinary, but it was enough for them to live comfortably. He enjoyed the familiarity of it all – the shelves he stocked when he was a teen, the register with its familiar bing sound and the scent of air freshener his mother liked. Not much had changed around the store over the years and Iwaizumi felt confident he could locate every one of its items in just a few seconds.
Ever since graduation, he had taken a permanent position in the business and worked mostly afternoon shifts. He enjoyed the quiet hours and the empty rows of shelves and coolers stretching out in front of him, but he knew it was mostly so his parents could take it easy and work during the day.
He had been busy going through the day’s earnings and doing the customary end-of-the-week inventory checks and didn’t get the chance to use his phone for the past couple of hours.
1 new notification and 1 unread message
The message drew a small smile on his lips, the kind that he was slowly getting used to as the days went by.
Good night J What are we doing tomorrow? Can’t wait to see you <3
Iwaizumi typed a goodnight message in response, but he knew the recipient well enough to know the message wouldn’t be opened until 6 am the following morning. Their schedules weren’t ideal and didn’t allow for them to meet up as much as they would’ve liked, but these thoughtful moments were enough to convince him he had made the right choice today.
Maybe I should not even check. What difference does it make? It’s over.
He tried swiping the notification away, but the app opened up instead. Iwaizumi sighed at his failed attempt at avoidance. Today’s scores were in. 3:0. 25/18, 25/16, 25/20. They didn’t take a single set.
Iwaizumi knew exactly what that meant. Today was the last day of the spring qualifier tournament, the day where it was finally decided which teams get to compete in the nationals. For his former friend, it was the end of the season.
He knew the locations where each match was held and he hated himself for knowing. Today was Fukushima, at least a 3 hour drive away. More if you include the words from the coach, the traffic, grabbing a bite to eat. Maybe he would have troubles getting a cab right away. Maybe he wouldn’t come at all.
The rationalising only made the pain grow stronger. Iwaizumi had promised himself it wouldn’t happen again. He even insisted on keeping the store open till midnight, even though his parents suggested closing up early. He didn’t want to find himself in his apartment, all alone, waiting for the bell to ring. He didn’t trust himself enough. He knew a part of him would want to walk towards the doors and open them without even asking who it was. It was the part of himself he wished he could leave behind.
Instead, Iwaizumi found himself sitting behind a counter of an obviously empty convenience store. He would lock it up at midnight and climb the stairs to his parents’ two bedroom apartment, the same one he had grown up in. They still kept his bedroom much the same as it always had been, constantly urging him to stay the night so he wouldn’t have to walk back to his own place. It was a 15 minute walk, but Iwaizumi could say he felt really tired and just wanted to go to sleep. They wouldn’t question it and there would be breakfast on the table, waiting for him to get up.
Tomorrow, he had a date. The fourth one in the past month, with a very busy senior who was soon graduating from college. They weren’t official yet, but Iwaizumi liked where things were going. He was the kind of person who wanted to go to the movies and couldn’t wait for Iwaizumi to meet his friends. A day didn’t go by without him at least saying hello and apologising for his busy schedule. Iwaizumi didn’t mind. It was enough knowing someone was thinking about him. Someone was sending him a message before going to bed. Someone didn’t mind a hug. Or a kiss on the cheek. It was simple. Simple and real and it made Iwaizumi feel like he was worth more. More than he let himself think he deserved in a long time.
23:47
He thought about searching for a movie to watch after the store was closed. Somehow he knew sleep would elude him tonight. What was he doing at this moment? Did he find my apartment empty? Did he go home? Or did he go somewhere else? He mentally slapped himself and focused on the list of action movies on the screen, but the sound of the bell announcing a new costumer caught his attention.
“Good evening, may I help y-“
“You weren’t home.”
A tall brunet walked through the doors of Iwaizumi’s store. His hair looked soft and its loose strands fell across the newcomer’s gentle features. It behaved that way only after the athlete slept with it still wet on the bus ride home. There was a sports bag slung across his shoulder and a wrinkled t-shirt peered beneath his blazer. Iwaizumi knew exactly how he would look like, but the sight was enough for his chest to tighten and his heartbeat to quicken.
“Oikawa.”
He said, without really meaning to, but there was no denying it. The genius setter was standing right in front of him, on a Friday night, right after his team had lost in the qualifiers. The brunet walked swiftly towards the register, heading straight for the speechless cashier.
“Why did you come here?”
“I told you. You weren’t at home.”
“I’m working.” Iwaizumi felt a lump form in his throat, as he tried his best to contain his surprise, but there was anger stashed deep inside of him that just wouldn’t listen.
“Hmm… You close at midnight?” The setter was looking around aimlessly, but it was too late for Iwaizumi to lie his way out of this. Their open hours were displayed on the doors and right there on his counter.
“Yes.”
“I can wait. Is there a storage room behind there?” Oikawa was pointing at the doors located behind Iwaizumi’s back, with the words Storage room – Employees only written on it.
“You can’t go in there, Oikawa.” Iwaizumi was grasping at straws, at anything that would get the brunet out of the store as soon as possible. He didn’t know how much more he could last for.
“I… You… Just can’t.”
“Hmmmm… Why not? Hajime.” Oikawa almost purred at him and Iwaizumi felt his defences crumbling into tiny pieces. He hated every piece that broke off.
“Ugh, Oikawa. I… Can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. Please.” The brunet looked at Iwaizumi’s trembling hand and averting eyes.
“You’re seeing someone.”
“Yes…”
“It never stopped you before.” His eyes contained the same iciness, the deep brown pit of an emotionless mess.
“Don’t bring it up.”
There was harshness in Iwaizumi’s voice. Directed not at Oikawa, but at himself. Iwaizumi spent the last two years hating himself and his own weakness, but reminding himself of all of his mistakes was a distorted privilege he wasn’t going to share.
Oikawa slid his body onto the counter and looked up at Iwaizumi, pulling him further and further into the darkness the night had yet to bring. He felt his hand raising up against his will, anything just to touch the brunet’s skin once again. The never-ending thoughts of maybe this time it’ll be different, maybe this time he’ll stay came rushing down at him. If there was even a slight chance that… Iwaizumi released the phone from his other hand, both of them now mere inches away from Oikawa’s shoulders.
The second his fingers connect, he knew what the other guy would do. Move away from Iwaizumi’s gentle touch and lead them to the backroom bathed in darkness. An almost instinctive sequence of actions would follow. Kissing or touching would not be a part of it. Iwaizumi would savour every second. And regret it for the rest of his life.
He knew he couldn’t fight it. The pull was too strong. A smug smile broke across Oikawa’s face and Iwaizumi wanted nothing more but to wipe that grin off his face. To see him begging and pleading for more and-
The buzzing of Iwaizumi’s phone broke the tension for a split second. Both of their eyes darted to the glowing screen.
I set up an alarm to see how you’d respond haha J I’ll pick you up at 6 ;)
Iwaizumi’s mind went blank, but he quickly withdrew his hands that seemed to be paralyzed in mid-air.
“You should go. I’m sorry. Find someone else.”
He couldn’t bear to see the look on the other boy’s face and he cursed himself for stooping so low, but he turned his back towards the setter and refused to open his eyes. He heard when Oikawa picked up his bag from the floor and took painfully slow steps towards the doors. He only let out the breath he was holding when the ding sound of the familiar bell confirmed he was alone.
He’d have the rest of his life to convince himself it was the right choice. But in that moment, it felt nothing but wrong.
…
Iwaizumi couldn’t keep his eyes focused on the movie he had picked. He couldn’t keep his thoughts in check, or stop his hands from trembling. He wanted to go as far away from that convenience store after Oikawa had left. Now that he was in his empty apartment with nothing but the distant voices coming from the TV to keep him company, it was hard to believe he had done it. After two years of countless mistakes, he had finally said no.
After their loss against Karasuno during their third year of high school, after Oikawa had cried and begged inside a public bathroom, after he had seen the brunet’s tears and suffering. Those few minutes after the game changed everything.
Oikawa had returned to their team in a few short minutes, ready to console and encourage everyone that needed to hear his words. To everyone else, he seemed like his usual Captain-self, but Iwaizumi had seen him crumble and fall apart.
It was their last tournament and the third years retired from all club activities. Finals and college entrance exams were near. Everything fell into place, giving the two of them all the excuses in the world for not being able to hang out anymore. When they’d run into each other, it was easy to play it off as if nothing was wrong. Beneath the surface, the truth was that they hadn’t spoken to each other in private for months.
Iwaizumi was angry at himself and he was angry at Oikawa. Angry for letting his guard down and going with what Oikawa had requested, knowing it wouldn’t end well. He was angry that the thought of his best friend’s tear-streaked face made him so weak and he knew he’d do it again. It wasn’t something they could just forget. Every second of it, every ounce of pleasure Iwaizumi had felt, every sound Oikawa had made when their bodies connected again and again – every time that guy’s face came into view, Iwaizumi lived through those moments once more.
Oikawa avoided him, never texted him, never came over to his place again. A decade of friendship, ruined in one day.
Until Oikawa showed up at Iwaizumi’s doorstep, some 6 months after graduation. The same face, the same tears, the same ‘Hajime. Please’. He couldn’t fight it.
The setter appeared in his life like a typhoon, sweeping Iwaizumi off balance and preventing him from ever really moving on. Ah, but he couldn’t blame the brunet. Not the first time. Not ever. He was the one that caved in. He was the one that opened the doors and took him in every time.
When there was an important match going on, Iwaizumi’s face would be intensively staring at the television, watching. Waiting. If his team lost, Oikawa would come. In 6 months. Then 4. Soon it was every other month. The setter’s promising career was falling apart and Iwaizumi never said no.
How he lived with himself during the long months of Oikawa’s absence, he couldn’t tell.
This time was different. This time, he hoped he could change. There was a guy he was seeing, a good guy, someone who wanted more than Oikawa could give. ‘It never stopped you before’ hurt more than he wanted to admit. He was never strong enough to close the door.
01:53
He wasn’t even sure what kind of movie he was watching. Drama? He thought he remembered someone yelling, but it could’ve been the voices inside his head, arguing.
Ding-Dong
The doorbell rang. His thoughts struggled to keep up with the beating of his heart. Could be a neighbour. An emergency? Wrong apartment.
Two small knocks against the wooden surface and a loud thud behind the doors. Iwaizumi turned the key and felt his heart stop.
“O-Oikawa?”
“I-I’m sorry. I had nowhere else to go…”
The visitor was barely hanging onto the doorframe, his legs trembling underneath him as he tried his best to utter just one sentence. The blazer he had worn was gone. His t-shirt ripped to shreds. Sports bag gone. His right cheek swollen and already purple in the middle. Blood was dripping from his nose and staining his white trousers.
“Oikawa, what happened?!” But the brunet was too weak to hold himself up and almost collapsed onto the floor. Iwaizumi managed to swing one of Oikawa’s arms around his shoulder and hoister him up, but the setter’s face twitched with pain with every step they took. Iwaizumi struggled to get him to the living room and Oikawa sat down on the couch.
“Oikawa, say something, damn it!”
“I guess I asked the wrong guy, that’s all.”
“WHAT?! Who did this to you?! Is he still around?! I’m calling the cops and then I’ll-“
“Let it go. They’re gone. It’s my fault anyway.” Oikawa struggled to talk as his cheek grew bigger and the rest of his body gave out. No composure. No fake boldness. He wouldn’t be able to get up from that couch and he didn’t try to hide it.
“THEY?! Jesus, what did you do?! What do you mean let it go, you have to report this!” Iwaizumi was out of his mind with rage, mostly at the unknown idiots who would do such a thing to someone, but also at the setter who approached some random guy and could’ve gotten himself killed.
“Iwa-chan. Don’t.”
Iwaizumi stopped dead in his tracks. Two years had passed since the last time that name was spoken. Iwa-chan disappeared in that bathroom, along with the rest of their friendship. It was only Hajime and nothing else. He wanted to erase that part as well, he wanted it all gone but…
“You don’t get to call me that anymore.” Hajime had to turn his back and leave to the kitchen, afraid the setter would see how much it pained him to say that. He rummaged through his fridge in search of some frozen vegetables and soaked a clean rag in cold water.
“Put this on your cheek. And stop the bleeding.” Oikawa grimaced as he lifted his arm and took a package of frozen peas that was offered. He used his other hand to hold the rag to his nose.
“Are you sure nothing’s broken?” Iwaizumi kept scanning him with his eyes, looking for fractured bones or other bleeding spots, but couldn’t find any.
“I don’t think so. They only had about a minute before someone saw what was happening and they ran off.”
“How many?”
“Four.”
“Jesus, Oikawa! What the hell happened?! Ah, forget it. It’s not like you’ll tell me anyway.”
“I’ll tell you if you want.”
He could barely see the deep brown eyes behind the swollen remains of Oikawa’s face, but they portrayed nothing but acceptance of defeat.
“Why?”
“Because you turned me down. I have nothing else to hope for.”
Iwaizumi stared at him in shock, unable to decide whether all of this was another clever ploy to get him to concede or Oikawa was telling the truth.
“So, um… What happened?”
“I told you. After I left your store, I didn’t know where to go. I saw someone looking at me on the street. We talked. He seemed... interested…” Iwaizumi groaned in disgust. “And then his friends came and this happened. Guess he didn’t want them to know he was into someone like me. I just asked the wrong guy.”
“You… How the fuck… They really could’ve killed you! How do you not know how to pick a person for… you know what for! People have been throwing themselves at you for years!”
“I never had to… do that before… I never… Ah, I never had to pick anyone up, Iwaizumi-san.”
“Ugh, of course not. Everyone picked you.” Iwaizumi was surprised at the coldness of his voice, but there was no helping it.
“I just, I always came to you.”
Oikawa looked up at him with the same eyes he had been looking at Iwaizumi with when they were younger. With no ulterior motives. No uncontrollable lust. A bond they shared for years. Iwaizumi felt himself topple to the floor in surprise, unable to control his own body.
“Iwaizumi-san?” The bleeding seemed to have stopped and he even extended his arm towards Iwaizumi. Why is he worried about me when he’s in this condition?!
“I’m really sorry to trouble you this way. I just didn’t know where else to go and after what you said today, I thought it was safe enough to-“
“Stop screwing with me!” Iwaizumi raised his voice before being able to contain his anger. “I don’t believe a word that leaves your mouth!”
“Ah… It’s better this way. You should be angry. I really wanted to disappear from your life. I’ll leave and you never have to see me again. Is that what you want?”
“FUCK! Just… Stop. Talking.” He threw the remote control he didn’t even notice he was holding and it smashed into pieces on the other side of the room. “You always leave! You locked yourself in that bathroom stall two years ago and left me to figure this out all on my own! You fucking left without explaining what the hell that was! And then you magically appear when you need more and disappear as soon as you get what you want!”
He tried his best to bring his temper under control and slow his breathing to a normal level. Oikawa took every single word without protest, almost as if he was expecting to hear something like that for a long time.
“Why did you pick me, huh?! WHY?! You could’ve had anyone you wanted, why did you beg me?! Why did you ruin my life?! Why do you keep coming back here?!”
Finally it was out. The questions he had been meaning to ask for so long. If there was just one thing he wanted to know, it would be why HIM.
“Because I knew you wouldn’t hurt me.”
Iwaizumi felt like someone punched him in the gut. A sick feeling of distrust and fear filled every cell of his body.
“To everyone else, I was a trophy they wanted to have. Something to brag about. I was just sick of giving everyone what they wanted. That match against Karasuno… I really didn’t know how I would’ve faced the team otherwise. And if there was one person that I could bear seeing me that way, it was you. That’s all.”
Iwaizumi knew it was the truth. Oikawa’s face was painted with pain, physical and not physical. The words seemed ready to be said, just waiting to be heard.
“I was going to tell you all of this today. It would’ve been the last time for us to meet. I quit the team. I left the university. Today was my last official match.”
“What do you mean you quit?! Are you fucking kidding me?! After all those years… After everything you did, you just – quit?!”
“Come on. Don’t kid yourself. You know how I was doing. You know it was over for me long ago.”
Iwaizumi shuddered at his words, rational and real, ready to strike at their target. Iwaizumi had known. Oikawa joined a powerhouse team at a good university right after high school. Everyone had high hopes for the gifted athlete, but… He was still good, but not great. He didn’t get along with his team. He never tried his best. He was just a shadow of his former self. Iwaizumi read every headline and every article about it, but somehow couldn’t make himself believe it. The captain that did everything in his power to get to know everyone’s strengths and quirks, played like he never even noticed his teammates were there.
“Why?” It was all he could mutter, but Oikawa had his answer ready.
“Because I never wanted to get close to another teammate again.”
The conversation stopped. Iwaizumi didn’t dare to ask another question. Oikawa was barely keeping his eyes open.
“You can stay here tonight. I’ll get you a blanket and some clothes you can change into. Here’s a bottle of aspirin and some water, it’ll help with the pain. But tomorrow-“
“I’ll leave before you wake up. I know.”
Everything was said and done.
Iwaizumi closed the doors to his bedroom, loud enough for Oikawa to hear on the couch. He didn’t know why, but the thought of the young setter sleeping on his couch with bruises all over his face made him want to build another wall around himself. Just to be safe.
He sat on the corner of the bed and ran his fingers through his hair. Too many things to think about. He had the entire night to rebuild the memories of the past in his mind. Of Oikawa’s desperation. Of his own weakness. Of the honesty portrayed on the brunet’s face as he answered each question without complaint. Of the last time when Iwaizumi believed he understood his friend. When was that?
…
Minutes passed by slowly.
It made sense, in a way. For Oikawa to come to him. Iwaizumi never wanted to hurt him. Even after all this time, he never wanted to be the reason for Oikawa’s helplessness and despair. His thoughts or resolution of the previous day seemed so distant. He knew that if the setter came back to his life, every plan, every decision, they’d all feel so weak. He would feel weak.
He came every time he needed me. Nothing less, but also nothing more. Did Iwaizumi feel better now that he knew? Not that he understood the brunet’s pain? Did he understand it at all?
The moments they had spent in Iwaizumi’s room swirled around his mind. The closeness. The presence. The coldness.
Iwaizumi stormed out of his room before his lack of courage could stop him. He walked the distance to his living room in a few short strides and stopped at the doorframe. Muffled noises were coming from the couch.
“O-Oikawa?” The brunet’s breath hitched and his entire body froze at the sound of his name. Iwaizumi was just a few steps away, but he couldn’t see anything other than the setter’s back.
“I just… umm… I wanted to ask you something else…” Iwaizumi cursed himself for going this far. Oikawa slightly nodded but didn’t turn to face him.
“Why did you leave? It’s just that… We were friends for so long, I know that… I know that we wouldn’t just go back to where we were but… And then you showed up. And left again. Every time. Just a few hours. I don’t… Why did you leave?”
The brunet shifted slightly and tried his best to find a comfortable position. His hair was damp, his cheek slightly less swollen. The bloody clothes were gone and he seemed to have regained some strength, but moving around still posed a challenge. His eyes and nose were red, his hand swiped away at another tear.
“It was better that way… I didn’t want to ruin your life completely…”
“You think that just because you weren’t around, it wasn’t ruined?! You fucking left every time… I watched every game! I- You came and left me-“
“Do you think I wanted to run back to you every time?! You think I enjoy seeing your face every time I say goodbye?! I hate myself enough… I wish I could’ve stopped myself. That first time. Every time.”
Both of them were yelling, but Oikawa’s words echoed louder in the night. The tears strolled down his face onto Iwaizumi’s couch and neither of them moved a muscle.
“I’m really happy for you… Even if you don’t believe, I am. I knew I’d keep coming back if you didn’t stop me. You finally did…”
Iwaizumi ran his fingers through his hair in a frenzy, pacing around the room because he couldn’t keep still any longer. He thought he walked into the living room to hear something cold. Something like – I didn’t need you for anything else or I just wanted sex and I knew you’d say yes. He was looking for closure, for his final questions to be answered, for… What was he looking for?
“Why didn’t you let me touch you? Why?! Why do we act like strangers when we’re... Why?!”
The question shocked the brunet, but his lips moved to answer anyway.
“It’s easier to pretend that’s what we are… Just strangers. Just sex.” Another truth and another tear.
“To pretend? So it’s not all there is to it?”
Oikawa groaned in annoyance and turned his head towards the sofa. “You don’t want to go there. Just leave it be. You got your answers, didn’t you?”
“Did you tell me everything? Can you honestly say that if you go home now, you will never come back? You will never look for me again?”
Silence. Minutes passed by. Iwaizumi left, cursing under his breath. He slammed the doors shut and threw himself on the bed, unsure of what that conversation accomplished. If anything, he felt worse. Torn. Crumbling into tiny pieces again.
He heard muffled footsteps behind the door. Someone’s presence. He stared at the doorknob, waiting for it to turn, waiting for it to- To what? But the footsteps moved away. He heard the key and his apartment doors opened. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.
“Oikawa!”
The brunet’s body was already halfway out the doors and Iwaizumi used all his strength to pull him back inside. He closed the doors and turned the key. They were close. Iwaizumi’s hand was still tightly holding the setter’s shoulder and he loosened his grip. He never noticed it before, but it seemed they were about the same height now. He wasn’t looking up at Oikawa anymore.
His right hand crept away slowly, gliding across the brunet’s shoulder. His neck. His cheek. Oikawa stared at him in shock, his eyes empty of tears.
“Iwaizumi, wha-“ But Iwaizumi’s sharp stare stopped him midsentence.
His hand traced the outline of Oikawa’s face and slid behind his head, gently pulling on the soft curls. A sigh escaped the setter’s mouth and he visibly moved in sync with Iwaizumi’s touch.
“Hajim-“
“No. Not this time.” Oikawa couldn’t understand what was going on as he felt another one of Iwaizumi’s hands raising up, moving across his chest in a soft manner. “Give me a chance. Just… Don’t leave again. Please.” It was Iwaizumi who was pleading now and Oikawa had already given up.
“If you touch me like that, I… can’t just…” But Iwaizumi already took both of Oikawa’s hands and positioned them on his own chest.
“No ‘just’. Everything. At least once. I want… No pretending.” Iwaizumi struggled with the words, but Oikawa’s blood already began to boil. Every awkward syllable. Every inch of his skin. Everything was just there.
Oikawa’s hands tentatively moved across the other boy’s chest, feeling the softness of his t-shirt and the taut muscles underneath. He knew what they looked like, how everything about Iwaizumi looked like, even if he only had a few short moments to check when they’d be getting dressed. It was a body he knew like it was his own, but he wanted to know more.
As soon as Iwaizumi felt the movement across his own skin, he pushed Oikawa against the doors and heard the setter groan in pain. Old habits were hard to break. And this time he wanted to take his time.
His hands were back at Oikawa’s face, gently moving across the setter’s cheeks, eyebrows, lips. Slowly and meticulously because he wasn’t going to waste his one chance. To explore. To feel. To touch. Every soft piece of the brunet’s skin had been tempting him for years. Thinking about how it would feel, how he would feel under Iwaizumi’s touch. He wanted it for so long.
Oikawa’s lips were chapped and swollen, from last night’s beating and the late night crying. So much different than their usual pink selves, but inviting all the same. Iwaizumi’s thumb ran across Oikawa’s upper lip and then both of them at the same time in a swifter motion, but the setter already opened his mouth in response. Iwaizumi could feel his hot breath, his trembling hands still too scared to explore beyond Iwaizumi’s chest, but his own fingers knew exactly where they wanted to be. Everywhere.
He only had to press down with his thumb slightly, but the brunet’s tongue brushed its tip gently, almost shyly. He wanted to stop this madness and strip them of their clothes, turn Oikawa around and connect them like he always did, but he had to wait. It was his one chance.
His fingers left the corners of Oikawa’s mouth and the setter let a sigh escape his lips. Iwaizumi smiled at the response, encouraged to continue his mission. Both of his hands found themselves at the base of the brunet’s neck, gently pulling and combing through his tangled locks and watching as the boy’s head rocked in unison. Every twist and pull of his hair sent shivers down Oikawa’s spine and he had no choice but to close his eyes and moan into the touch.
This wouldn’t be so hard if he wasn’t so… so goddamn honest… Everywhere I touch and he just-
Iwaizumi had to stifle his own groan when Oikawa’s hands travelled to his back, squeezing and pulling at his muscles in desperation.
“Oikawa.”
“Hmmm…?” The setter murmured in a trance, too focused on the sensation of Iwaizumi’s hands on his body to bother himself with a better response.
“I’m going to kiss you now.” But that sentence rushed straight to his brain and Oikawa had just enough time to open his eyes and helplessly stare at Iwaizumi’s advancement. The brunet’s neck was in Iwaizumi’s control and he craned both of their heads to the side before Oikawa had the chance to protest. Iwaizumi’s eyes were already closing and bracing for them to meet.
A soft brush of his lips at first. Then a gentle tug at Oikawa’s lower lip. A harsher pull and Oikawa’s mouth opened to let him in. His tongue gently grazed the insides of the setter’s lips, exploring the wetness of Oikawa’s mouth. He didn’t even have to move as Iwaizumi’s tongue already found his, but then he swiftly pulled it away, waiting patiently at the entrance. Come on. Come on! He didn’t have to wait for long as Oikawa’s tongue rushed to meet up with his in the middle, licking and probing at Iwaizumi’s mouth. He pulled onto Oikawa’s curls once again and the setter’s mouth opened even further apart, letting Iwaizumi take control and reach every part of him that he wanted. Trying out the insides of his lips, leaving outside to squeeze them with his own, then the tip of Oikawa’s tongue and the roof of his mouth. Iwaizumi tried all of them and felt a rush of adrenaline and excitement when the other boy did the same to him.
Oikawa was already panting, his hair a mess and his legs struggling to keep him standing upright. It seemed that Iwaizumi caught onto his exhaustion and was pulling them away from the doors.
“Come with me. Please.” He didn’t have to beg. Oikawa was already stumbling towards the familiar bedroom. He didn’t protest when Iwaizumi gently lowered him onto the bed as the smell of Iwaizumi’s sheets reached his nostrils.
Iwaizumi stood by the bed in a dim lit room as the person he always thought of actually laid on it patiently. Not just out of desperation. Not just in attempt to stay sane. Not just. Iwaizumi stared and Oikawa stared back, feeling the palpable energy radiating between them.
What a sight. Dishevelled hair. Parted lips. Mind a mess.
Iwaizumi gently lowered himself on top and kissed him again, enjoying the insides of Oikawa’s mouth with his tongue. The setter’s hands rushed towards his back on their own and the thought of it was enough to send blood to the lower part of Iwaizumi’s body.
He was going to kiss every part of the willing brunet. His forehead, lips, neck. He slowly circled around Oikawa’s chin with kisses that barely touched his soft skin, but the setter’s head was thrown back to allow Iwaizumi access to every square inch. The softness of Oikawa’s collarbone that peered under his shirt. The shirt that needed to come off.
Iwaizumi slowly lifted the entranced setter who seemed to be stripped of all means of resistance. His body felt soft and firm at the same time, the smooth skin and the perfect muscles. He only asked with his eyes that glanced at a pair of chocolate brown ones, but Oikawa didn’t complain. Iwaizumi started with the hem across Oikawa’s stomach, gently brushing his fingers across the setter’s torso. A moan escaped Oikawa’s lips, but he eagerly lifted his arms and they tossed the needless piece of fabric onto the floor.
Iwaizumi’s eyes scanned the brunet with familiarity, absorbing every part of his perfectly toned-out body. Years and years of training made him completely irresistible and Iwaizumi wanted to grab at every piece of skin he could find. But not tonight. Oikawa was still bruised and weak and Iwaizumi promised himself to go slow.
He continued the array of soft kisses across Oikawa’s chest, his shoulders and arms that seemed as strong as his own. And yet, the setter’s touch was gentle and careful. The brunet’s hands explored the outline of Iwaizumi’s back, pressing and pulling at his skin without any rush.
Iwaizumi added his fingers to the process of exploring Oikawa’s chest and the setter moaned in response. His back arched towards Iwaizumi’s mouth and shivered at every twirl of his tongue. He was a mess, but this time without the tears. Without the sadness. Just pure pleasure.
He yanked at the edges of Oikawa’s sweatpants, the one he had loaned to him earlier. Before Oikawa managed to focus on what was going on, Iwaizumi had lifted the setter’s hips and swiftly pulled the pants to his knees. Two short seconds later and they were already on the floor.
“A-Are you sure about this? I mean, you-“
But Iwaizumi’s mouth was already on its way downwards, kissing the soft skin of Oikawa’s waist and exploring the taut muscles of his thighs. The combination sent Oikawa’s head back onto the pillow and his eyes closed in satisfaction.
He traced his long fingers across the sides of Oikawa’s underwear, avoiding the middle, slowly bringing his kisses towards the edge of his boxers. He felt the desperate tugs at his t-shirt that grew stronger with every small breath he exhaled onto Oikawa’s navel.
His fingers were already toying with the hem, but he pushed himself away from Oikawa’s whimpering and pulled his own shirt off. The brunet’s fingers danced around his bare back in gratitude and Iwaizumi used the opportunity to slowly roll his hips in between Oikawa’s legs. The moan that followed was the loudest one yet and he stared at the flustered brunet whose eyes shot wide open at the sensation.
“This is why I can never say no… Every time, you just… You’re just so…” Iwaizumi rolled his hips again and Oikawa’s followed suit, the setter’s mouth wide open and perfect for the tongue that entered him. He felt the gasp of surprise, but Oikawa’s own tongue was already there to greet him and hungrily accept everything Iwaizumi had to offer.
Anything he did, every small kiss or a pull at the brunet’s skin and the boy’s body reacted like he was almost at the brink of his climax. The way his body moved under Iwaizumi’s touch. The way Oikawa’s mouth impatiently waited for his own. And the way he responded back with his own tongue and hips and fingers. After all these years and finally he knew the extent of his own needs that were on par with Oikawa’s, both of them desperately searching for release.
“N-No, don’t!” Oikawa yelled out when Iwaizumi’s hand reached for his crotch, but the dark-haired boy was sure not to touch him at all. He simply lifted the corners of Oikawa’s underwear and slid them down until they were no more in sight. Iwaizumi hovered above his exposed body, absorbing the battle apparent across the brunet’s face. He wouldn’t beg for it today and Iwaizumi knew it. He also didn’t want Iwaizumi to get him any closer to the edge with his fingers and any attempt at grabbing Oikawa’s length would not be welcomed. He wanted Iwaizumi to fill him up and no other way would be good enough.
The brunet struggled to turn himself onto his stomach, wanting to give Iwaizumi as much access as possible, but the dark-haired boy held him down in place.
“Not today.” He murmured in Oikawa’s ear who immediately reached for Iwaizumi’s lower back.
He had never seen Oikawa, never truly seen him. Every time, the setter would turn his back towards Iwaizumi and hold onto the bed frame below them. Grab onto anything to support himself and hide the emotions so clearly visible on his face. Today, Iwaizumi saw all of them. Not just the lust and the greed, but also the gratefulness for every kiss, for every touch. He was ready to receive all of them.
Iwaizumi trailed his mouth downwards again, barely suppressing the grin at Oikawa’s desperate twitching. The lower his mouth got, the louder Oikawa got and Iwaizumi struggled to keep himself from surrounding Oikawa’s readiness with his mouth. He could feel its warmth mere inches away from his own lips and it would take only a moment until he could run his tongue along its tip. But he didn’t. At the last second, he diverted his lips to the brunet’s thigh and bit down hard with no warning.
Oikawa’s scream filled the room, but Iwaizumi knew he wasn’t in pain. He brushed against the sensitive skin with his tongue and the yelps from the setter grew stronger than ever. Both of his fingers now danced around Oikawa’s inner thighs, competing for access with Iwaizumi’s tongue.
He propped himself back above Oikawa, one hand keeping him mere inches away from the setter’s body, hovering to drive them both crazy. His other hand was still playing with the sensitive skin, but steadily approaching Oikawa’s entrance. Iwaizumi couldn’t help the groan that escaped his mouth when both of Oikawa’s knees went up and his fingers brushed against the spot that was the setter’s weakness.
“Sorry.” Oikawa’s apology was barely audible and only partly sincere, as he couldn’t stop himself from moving closer to the tip of Iwaizumi’s index finger.
Iwaizumi felt the readiness ooze around his circling fingers. Even without Oikawa’s movements, his wishes were loud and clear for Iwaizumi to savour. This was why he was so irresistible. So willing. So perfect. Those were the thoughts swirling around Iwaizumi’s head as he entered the setter with painfully slow movements. He had to hope Oikawa wouldn’t just slam himself on his fingers like he always did. Not this time, when he had a front row seat to every sigh and moan and twirl of Oikawa’s tongue in his own mouth.
The slickness around his finger drove him crazy. For someone to be this… this… And it was all for him. He pushed another finger in, unable to keep the same, slow rhythm as before. Oikawa’s hips moved on their own, not violently like they normally used to as soon as Iwaizumi’s fingers reached his warm insides. This time, he let the dark-haired boy dictate the speed and the advancement, relishing every ounce of attention he could get. And Iwaizumi wanted to give him more.
Oikawa struggled to keep his mouth closed as another finger joined the previous two, circling and stretching and exploring the sounds the setter could produce. Iwaizumi felt the urgency of Oikawa’s hands on his shoulders and he himself was struggling with keeping himself prompted up with just one arm.
He lowered himself slowly, waiting for a reaction, waiting for a plea to stop, but the brunet’s fingers pulled him down with such ferocity that he almost slammed their bodies together. Oikawa’s length twitched underneath his own in response and he both loved and hated the urgency of their need. His fingers slipped deeper inside and Oikawa almost screamed in delight.
He wouldn’t beg, but the scratching and pulling at Iwaizumi’s back were a wordless plea and Iwaizumi felt his own composure crumble as soon as Oikawa’s hands reached the upper part of his thighs.
“You’re not very subtle.” He wanted to make it sound like an accusation, but Oikawa’s lips smirked in response as he lifted his own naked hips against Iwaizumi’s still clothed ones.
“You don’t… like… subtle.” Oikawa managed to mutter in between heavy sighs and whimpers of Iwaizumi’s fingers still working their magic, but it was enough for the dark-haired boy to pull them out. The mewl that he got as a reward was almost worth it.
He was about to lower his shorts, but Oikawa’s hands were already on it. He swiftly untied the strings and pulled everything down, making sure to graze his fingers across as much skin on the way.
“You…” He tried to sound mad, but the satisfaction building up at the bottom of his stomach prevented it. He had to step away for a second to fling the last remains of their clothes off the bed, but the second he came back, his hands were already on Oikawa’s hips.
Another excruciatingly slow entrance that made Oikawa arch his back in response. Inch by inch he made his way towards the hottest parts of the brunet, holding him steady so that Oikawa couldn’t move them any faster.
“You… suck…” Between the desperate whimpers came an accusation Iwaizumi welcomed as he slammed himself as deep as possible, knowing that was exactly what Oikawa had wanted. A scream full of ecstasy filled the room as Iwaizumi held them in place, about as physically connected as two people could get.
For all his wishes to mess with the setter as much as possible, to listen to every sound that escaped the setter’s lips and every ounce of pleasure he could give him, he knew that entering Oikawa would bring the teasing to an end. He lifted the brunet’s hips so he could comfortably support them and began the unstopping rhythm of pulling in and out.
The view below him was the most rewarding thing he had ever seen as Oikawa responded to every thrust, to every roll of Iwaizumi’s hips with his own. Instead of helplessly pulling at Iwaizumi’s skin, the brunet’s hands were now gripping at the sheets with all their might, his fingers curling at the impact and trying to keep him from calling out.
Iwaizumi didn’t care it was the middle of the night. He didn’t care what anyone would think. The sound of Oikawa screaming with pleasure made his blood boil and his hips move faster. He was already close just from playing around with the brunet, but the sensation of his insides readily accepting Iwaizumi’s length pushed him even further towards the top.
“Ahh...” Oikawa was panting and his breathing was ragged, his hips already struggling to keep the steady rhythm. Iwaizumi didn’t have to be told anything more as he tried his best to angle them the best he could and thrust with the remainder of his self-control.
“Ahh… Iwa-… Iwa-chan!” His voice was loud as it broke the silence and his body arched in exaltation as he reached his peak. Iwaizumi’s thrusts stopped only for a second to marvel at the said words, but his own satisfaction was close and he rode his high as Oikawa twitched and squeezed him inside. He felt the familiar warmth and release, holding onto the brunet’s hips and savouring every second of it.
When he opened his eyes, Oikawa was staring at him in shock and he felt his heart sink.
“W-What’s wrong?”
“Nothing… That… That was… You were…”
Iwaizumi pulled himself off, both of them wincing at the sudden change of closeness.
“Was that too much?” Iwaizumi both wanted and didn’t want to know, but his entire body tensed at the sight of tears forming at the corners of Oikawa’s eyes. “Oikawa? Fuck, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-“
“It was… so perfect…” The words were barely audible through the setter’s sobs and Iwaizumi felt utterly lost.
“The hell are you crying for then, you idiot?!” The tone of his voice betrayed how upset he was, how scared he was at the thought of those tears.
“I-I’m sorry, I just never… I never thought…”
“Well it was everything I thought about for the past two years. Every day I kept waiting. Every time after you left. How I wished… There was… I don’t know… Something more.”
Oikawa’s brown eyes widened in surprise and his brain just seemed to be unable to process the words he was hearing.
“B-But, why? Why would you… After everything I’ve done… You said I destroyed your life, you said that-“
“And I always said yes.” Iwaizumi’s eyes were dark with regret, filled with memories he couldn’t fight and thoughts he was never able to hide.
“And the guy you’re seeing… I don’t-“
“Oikawa, damn it, don’t bring that up now. I feel bad enough already.”
“W-What will you do?”
“Ahh…” Iwaizumi sat down next to the exhausted setter and stared at his own hands that hurt another innocent person. “Tell him the truth. He deserves more than this.”
Oikawa heard the pain in the other boy’s voice, the regret of having to say the same words to another victim of his weakness. How many was that now? Three? How many of his relationships ruined because of their inability to move on?
“I’m sorry… I should’ve… I shouldn’t have-“
“If I asked you to stay, would you?” Iwaizumi couldn’t bring himself to look at the setter. But it was the night for honesty and he wasn’t sure he could survive another goodbye.
The silence lasted for a few minutes and Iwaizumi was going crazy. He had to check. His eyes turned to the side and Oikawa looked nothing but frightened.
“You want me to stay?”
“Well that’s what I asked, isn’t it?!”
“Y-You asked if I’d stay and not-“
“Oikawa, shut up! Out of all the guys in the planet…”
“You didn’t answer my question…”
“Well you didn’t answer my fucking question either!”
“Okay! Okay…” Oikawa conceded first. “I just… Okay… I think you deserve more, okay? I’m a mess. I’m sure you’ve noticed, but my life is falling apart. My career ended, I don’t have a job, no apartment, no friends, nothing. I don’t know how I even made it through the past few years and if I had to guess, coming here and ruining your life over and over again was probably the only good thing that happened to me. And I have to call what I did to you a good thing... That’s how bad it’s been...”
“Hmm…” Iwaizumi hummed in response and seemed to be deep in thought. Oikawa felt naked and exposed, not just physically, but also because of the words he had spoken tonight.
“So stay here and try.”
“Huh?” Oikawa stared at him in surprise.
“I didn’t hear anything about not wanting to stay. You just think you don’t deserve to stay. But you never gave me a chance and I’m willing to give you one more instead. Stay here and work on it until you feel like it’s okay for you to be here.”
Oikawa couldn’t believe the kindness he was offered. The readiness that Iwaizumi portrayed to start over, to forgive him for years of pain and suffering.
“W-When you say ‘stay here’, do you a-actually mean ‘here’ here?”
“Yes.”
“In your one bedroom apartment?”
“Yes…”
“Where you only have one bedroom? With one bed?”
“That’s what one bedroom means, you idiot!” Iwaizumi took a deep breath to calm himself down.
“But I’m broke… I had to move out of my apartment last month… I had to go back to my parents’ house and now that I quit the team, it’s not like that will change anytime soon…”
“I can get you a job at a café down the street. A friend of mine works there and I’m sure he’d do me a favour if I asked.”
“Iwaiz-… Iwa-chan?” Oikawa tried it out once again and Iwaizumi was too tired to complain.
“What?”
“I don’t know how to make coffee.”
Iwaizumi gave him a look of disbelief, but the setter’s face seemed way too serious and concerned for him to be joking.
“What do you mean you don’t know how to make coffee?! Who doesn’t know how to make coffee? How do you go through your entire life without making a cup of coffee-“
“Aaaa, Iwa-chan, you know athletes don’t drink coffee, it’s not my fault, really-“
Iwaizumi bent down to kiss the flustered brunet who welcomed him with his own lips.
The tension from before was gone. Whether or not their relationship worked depended entirely on them. Now that the walls were down, it was almost instinctive to remember how their conversations used to go. The bickering and the innocent insults. But this time, they will be followed by something more, something that they can only share now after years of being apart. Maybe it was just too early for them to admit it before, but they could speak honestly now. The walls of lies and secrets bring only pain. And if you fall apart again, we’ll pick up the pieces together.