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Hinata was...probably the worst person ever. He definitely felt like it, guiltily dodging the stares Kageyama was giving him throughout practice, and then running out of the storage room when he confronted Hinata for the second time in as many days. Thing is, he felt like he was soaring, thinking about the fact that Kageyama wanted to date him, and liked him, meaning...he probably wanted to hold hands, and kiss, and other lovey-dovey couple stuff. And Hinata really wanted to do that too. He wanted for them to be able to do that. But then, he was reminded of the gap between them; between their skills, and he knew he may not be able to hold his own on the court as he was now, not without Kageyama, anyway.
He didn’t like the thought of that. It left a bitter taste in his mouth, and then when Hinata thought about Kageyama’s two (2) confessions, instead of feeling that giddy elation, the excited anticipation, he just felt shame, crawling up his spine, hot on his neck, infiltrating his brain, until he was feeling it stinging his eyes, and he had to remind himself that it was dusty, and he was probably getting allergies, and he was definitely crying over a thought that was only half coherent in his mind.
It left such an uneasy feeling within him that Hinata stayed up half the night, trying to piece together that crippling worry that kept popping up whenever the thought of Kageyama being his boyfriend. Before, when he’d imagined it, he’d feel all soft and satisfied, secretly longing for a warm touch, alone in the darkness of his room. But now that it might actually be a reality, Hinata was scared. He loved that Kageyama liked him, cherished the knowledge above all else. But at the same time he hated it. He felt like Kageyama could simply do so much better, he could be with the likes of a genius spiker to match his skill. He could be with someone who was always there for him, and would never let him down. Kageyama didn’t deserve to be with Hinata, because he deserved more than Hinata could offer. And as much as he wanted to be enough for Kageyama, he didn’t want there to come a time when he would take one look at Hinata, and think, I’ve already surpassed you, you’re not enough for me. Or worse yet, I trusted you, and you let me down, but I’ll still stay with you. It was a horrible thought that he might be making Kageyama settle. That he might do something too stupid, too incompetent, and rather than getting mad and leaving him, Kageyama would just docilely waste away next to Hinata.
He didn’t want that, he didn’t want to be dead weight to Kageyama. He didn’t want to hold Kageyama back from anything, be that volleyball or a satisfactory relationship. Because, in the end, could Hinata manage to consistently make him happy? He got on Kageyama’s nerves all the time, he was annoying, he was too loud, he was too stupid, and too short—
Not wanting to think about it anymore, Hinata flipped over onto his other side, angrily smushing his cheek into his pillow, because this wasn’t fair. Kageyama wasn’t supposed to like him—no, he wasn’t supposed to be so pathetic. He was supposed to be able to hold his own next to Kageyama, wasn’t he.
And despite the fact that Hinata had probably never felt more miserable and pessimistic about himself, he still managed to slightly pick himself up the next day, because he made himself a promise. Once Hinata proved to himself and everyone else that he was good enough for Kageyama; that he wasn’t weak and pathetic, once he proved it beyond the point of dispute (and he would, he’d make it happen, because he’d do anything to deserve Kageyama’s affection; just the thought made his head pound louder) then he’d definitely accept Kageyama’s confession. He would have to apologise for being so...so weak, when Kageyama needed someone strong, but then, he thought, maybe they could be happy together.
Maybe they could be really happy.
x x x
Hinata’s resolve was pretty close to breaking. Kageyama just would not stop confessing, and it was breaking his own heart to not answer him. But he knew that it would be even worse when Kageyama was inevitably let down by him, made to suffer because of him. Hinata wondered if he was thinking too deep about this, but didn’t Kageyama deserve that much? Didn’t he deserve being agonised over? He didn’t deserve having to like someone like Hinata, who was doing his best to catch up—hitting the tosses harder, running faster, more, stronger, better, mind whirring as he tried to find ways to fix all his flaws, to make himself acceptable—but he hoped Kageyama might wait for him, because the day would surely come that Hinata succeeded. He was too determined not to.
Or not; Kageyama didn’t have to wait for him. Hinata would understand if he ran out of patience waiting for Hinata to get over his own uselessness just so he could get a date.
But. Kageyama wasn’t giving up. He never seemed to give up. Every day, he was there to tell Hinata, “I like you.”
And to Hinata, that sort of felt like, I’m waiting for you, so hurry up, dumbass.
Suffice to say that it motivated him more than anything. Even Daichi and the Coach had praised him on how well he was doing during practice. It made Hinata’s heart soar, because not only was he one step closer to his dream of becoming the next Little Giant, but he was also one step closer to Kageyama.
Kageyama, who he saw every day, but it just wasn’t quite enough. Hinata couldn’t even explain to himself how badly he just wanted to grab him by the collar or something, and say, “Don’t make that face, of course I love you!” He didn’t know how long that thought had been crawling around in his mind, carrying the concept of ‘love’. But then again, he supposed, what else could this feeling be? What else would make him so miserable, yet so high on nothing but Kageyama’s presence? The answer was clear to him. And though he was frustrated with himself, thinking that maybe if only he worked a bit harder, he could finally get there, he started to feel a little better. He started to think that surely it would happen soon; a day when he felt confident enough and good enough that he would make Kageyama’s life better, not worse, in the long run.
And it was weird, really weird, because Hinata had always had this stubbornness about him, this confidence. He believed in himself. He didn’t think he was the best, he knew he had a long way to go. But he had believed that he could get to the top, even if he had to drag his beaten body there by his last finger.
That’s why it was so unfamiliar to be experiencing so much self-doubt, in such concentrated quantities. Sometimes, Hinata would lie awake, long after the rest of his household had gone to sleep, hating himself for not believing in himself on top of everything. He’d cry, maybe, wishing that he had Kageyama to make it all better for him. But he didn’t, and it was his own fault, wasn’t it.
It was unfamiliar to be feeling insecure to say the least. He could hardly keep a clear head in front of Kageyama, too. It was like all those moments over the years when he should have felt small and pathetic (but didn't) were catching up to him now, crashing over him like a wave that hit harder each day. But still, oddly enough, it made him work harder. Because Hinata was tired of it, he wanted it to be over, he didn’t care anymore, he just wanted Kageyama to hold him and say that he was enough. But he didn’t deserve that, did he? Not yet. Not yet.
x x x
Then, there was the tournament. Hinata had thought that this was his chance to show everybody (to show himself) that he could do something right; no, that he could do something well, and that Kageyama had good reason to be with him. Proof that he wouldn’t drag Kageyama down like a useless weight latched on to him in the middle of the ocean.
He had so much hope. He’d pinned so much hope onto this one match that he’d practically been expecting to win it. And when he didn’t, he felt beyond crushed. Hinata was probably even more of a lost cause than he’d worried about being before. And it just hurt too much that day to hear Kageyama asking him out again, with the knowledge that he couldn’t say yes; he wasn’t allowed to say yes.
It was horrible, and he was sick of it. Hinata was absolutely sick of that voice in his head that said, no, Kageyama could never be happy with you by his side.
They hadn’t spoken for a month. Kageyama had stopped with the confessions all together, and while it hurt, Hinata supposed it was only fair. He’d be sick of himself at this point, too. It was yet another reason to hate himself, but this time, practice didn’t make it better. Maybe it was because of their loss, maybe Hinata had resigned himself to this.
But then, it all changed, on the first day of spring. It was during lunch time, when he passed by Kageyama in the hallway, and the other had looked, for a moment, like he wanted to reach out to Hinata, maybe to ruffle his hair on instinct, or to simply speak to him. It had been the most fleeting look, but Hinata saw the sadness in his eyes, and recognised it as frustration from having Hinata all but cut out from his life, rather than disappointment and anger because he was useless.
It was ridiculous, really, how fast the voice inside Hinata snapped. It said, you’re making him sad, and you can fix that by telling him how you feel, because he probably still likes you somewhere in there. It said, he’s still here now, waiting, watching you at your worst. He doesn’t want to leave.
So not for the first time, Hinata believed the voice wholeheartedly. But, for the first time, the voice was telling him the exact opposite of all that he’d ever known for the better part of a year. It was telling him to do what had felt like second nature all along.
x x x
Standing on the roadside, cradled in Kageyama’s arms for the first time, Hinata finally felt right. Maybe he’d end up hurting Kageyama while they were together, but he had been hurting him by keeping them apart, too. And at least for now, he could try and make Kageyama happy. He desperately wanted to explain himself a little more, because even though this was all his fault, maybe it would make Kageyama a little less mad at him that way. Because regardless of all that had happened, Hinata had only ever wanted Kageyama to be happy, in the end.
But he figured all that was a bit too heavy for this moment; it was such a sweet moment of simplicity, and Hinata could hardly believe that his attempt to confess had actually worked, and Kageyama had actually said yes. (Maybe that said something about how much Kageyama wanted Hinata to be happy, too.)
So maybe later. Maybe later, he’d tell Kageyama a little more.
x x x
It was night time. He was laying in bed, in the dark.
Only now, it wasn’t his bed, it was Kageyama's. And he wasn’t alone, because the press of Kageyama’s head on his chest, arms wrapped around his torso as if he was clutching a Hinata-sized teddy bear, was all too real. Hinata was glad for it.
“Kageyama.” He whispered into the darkness, expecting silence.
But of course, his significant other hummed into his chest, signalling that he was awake but sleepy. That was good enough for him, Hinata thought.
“I...want to tell you something.”
Kageyama turned his head to that only one of his cheeks was squashed against Hinata, head lying sideways, signalling that he was listening more properly now. So Hinata started to whisper his insecurities into the darkness, not really being able to pay attention to much else, too absorbed in the rush of past feelings that came with the act of saying them aloud for the first time.
It’s why he hadn’t noticed that suddenly, Kageyama’s face wasn’t pressed against him anymore, but that Hinata was now being held to his chest, tightly, with both arms.
“Hinata,” he spoke seriously after Hinata had finished speaking, not noticing that he’d gotten a little teary, “I love you. And I still think that it was worth it, for me. I’m okay. So you be okay, too.”
Hinata could tell that he was trying to be soothing despite the awkward tremor to his voice. He could tell that what he’d said made Kageyama sad, but he wasn’t speaking of it for Hinata’s sake. “I love you too. Of course.”
They’d never said ‘I love you’ before. And they’d only been together for about two months. This was moving too fast, by any standards. But Hinata felt like they’d been together forever, and he was pretty sure that Kageyama felt the same. Now, he was really sure. (He didn’t doubt himself like that anymore.)
Kageyama tightened his hold on him. “You are an idiot for thinking you could hurt me.”
Hinata listened quietly.
“You think you can just do something like that easily? Hurt me, Kageyama Tobio, when you can hardly even receive a volleyball?”
Hinata giggled despite himself. He knew he’d hurt Kageyama. It was pretty obvious. But it was nice of him to say that.
“Sorry.” He breathed instead, feeling the need to reiterate it.
“You don’t have to apologise again, you know. You already did that enough times.” Kageyama said, almost irritatedly. Before Hinata could respond, he was saying, “If you say sorry, and if you regret it, and if you turn back the time, we wouldn’t be here, right now.”
Hinata thought he had a pretty good point there, as he snuggled closer into Kageyama’s hold, eyes fluttering shut after an exhausting hour of keeping Kageyama awake with his...whatever it was. It was the best night of sleep he’d had in a year, and Hinata woke up the next morning still in those arms, pressing reassuringly against him, and he felt himself trusting that they’d be there tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that.