Work Text:
(Kendra) [Ange]
{insert object/person codes}
Monsters [insert that escalated quickly meme] (add emoji for the brain exploding! I like that one.)
Okay, so like, witches are evil? And {insert character B} wants to kill the witch {insert character A}
So B goes to a Hitman Werewolf {Character C}. C tells B they need to pay triple the regular fee because witches are tricky, and C once had a run in with one back in the day. No bueno. Not fun. 0/10, would not try again,,, for any less than triple the reg. fee
B goes home and has sex with their ex, The D {< Character D}. ("THE D?") ["The D."]
The D is always very insightful about these personal things and suggests B go talk to E because E was once married to a witch, but she died. Rumor has it that E was involved in the death. Maybe they can help.
Okay but then when C goes to kill A, they fall in love. And the power of love can change everything, so the big bad evil witch A becomes like super nice and goes on a whole journey to right all their wrongs. Starting with B, who forgives them. [Fucking Capricorns. Can't hold grudges for shit (She's a Scorpio, don't listen to her)]
And E doesn't like that. E thinks their ex wife was a bitch (heh, bitch witch) [which bitch? This witch, bitch] (WERK BITCH)
so there is no way A is a good person now. They are a witch, so they must die. They were all jazzed up to help this C person to kill this witch and now they can’t. This is bullshit!
But then! E discovers that A was actually like the younger mistreated sibling of the ex wife. (The younger, sexier sibling.) [That's gotta be illegal] (I have it on authority that it is not, because I am, in fact, the younger, sexier sibling.) [So on your own authority, gifted to you by whom exactly? Just fact checking] (My aging five older siblings. SUCK IT) [Well I'm the oldest sibling, and I'm stunning so fuck you] (You are stunning. TAKE ME BACK) [I,,, there's someone else, can we still be friends?] (Since we’re a continent apart, I will accept this.)
Le gasp!
Could E truly manage to kill this poor mistreated creature? E tries with all their might, but alas, the {insert old medieval weapon} (it’s magic, clearly, and can’t kill someone that isn’t evil) (OO WHAT IF ITS A FLAIL? OR AN IRON MAIDEN!!) [They couldn’t wheel around an Iron Maiden, Kendra.] (You cannot see but my face is sad) falls to the ground, not covered with blood, but with love. (Insert love juice joke here - Wade) (I’ll cover you in love all night long, baby)(also, I’m picturing all of them wearing gross ass cheetah print thongs now so thanks, brain.) [Stop fraternizing with the mains. They got love interests to build with the other mains. Plus they are poisoning your mind.]
E falls in love with A. But A is already in love with C. What are they all to do? And what the hell happened to B and D? (They made a love shack in the wilderness. Coconut milk as lube. (I NEVER SAID THEY WEREN’T ON AN ISLAND.)
No showers. (Which, sounds gross and I’m a little shaky on the practicality of either, but you get what I mean.) [It's like sex on the beach.] (Sounds way better than it is?) [And always sucks even more afterwards.]
(Wait, was it C that was banging D? Good lord, this is a mess.)
[I think it's perf. Just needs a couple tweeks. And some actual characters. With genders. And names. And some consistent pairings.]
(You really think that’s all it needs? Really? REaallly??}
[I checked. B and D were banging]
(I maintain that this is a mess. I hate. 0/10.)
[Okay. Let's try something else. You think up the next one.]
(Can I invite you to my planning doc????????)
And so, because we hate, everyone dies. The end!
[Can Wade be pretty tho? Everyone loves a good "pretty Deadpool" fic]
( :] )
(That’s showbiz, baby! Where’s my Emmy?)
[letmejust… download Photoshop realquick illmakeusone]
( :D )
[Do the Emmy's even do written works?]
(Oh, I googled it. TV SHOW WRITING BECAUSE ITS A SHOW WITH EPISODES AND EVERYTHING! We just cheap and outsource our actors into being like… in ya head.)
[Weird flex, but okay.]
(Well what other award could it be? Tony’s are musicals. And my voice isn’t nearly good enough to be in a musical. I’ve been told, with love, I can’t carry a tune in a bucket.)
[I'll sing then. You can,,, like,,, write the song? Then we can get a Tony award, which is basically gold in marvel fandom. We can sell it to start up our own written works award]
(I googled more! The best we can look forward to is either a Pushcart, because it’s actually possible, or a Pulitzer. Which isn’t gonna happen.)
[We could always pay a broke college kid to design us an advert. Get some more publicity. More votes.]
(Pushcart, here we come! And it damn well better look like a grocery cart or I’mma be pissed)
***TO BE REWRITTEN WITH SOMETHING MUCH BETTER AND JUST AS ENTERTAINING***
Stay tuned for: Apartments and Amore: Misleading Magic Edition (not Meaningful Magic Edition compliant)