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The night air was just cold enough so that white clouds of smoke formed in front of his lips every time he drew out a breath. His boots were covered in snow as he made his way through the crowded square — countless couples walking hand in hand probably in search of Christmas presents to give their loved ones. And Jeno hated this time of the year. He hated how every couple there was seemed to be overly clingy and how people made all this fuss about loving and being loved. Bullshit, he thought. It was all bullshit.
There was someone though, someone he secretly wouldn't mind doing all those clingy things or going shopping with. There was a boy whose smell he missed with all his heart, and a pair of hands he wouldn’t mind holding until their knuckles turned white and frozen under the cold December weather. But Jeno didn't want to admit it — he swore to himself he never would — and instead, he did his best to play it cool. After all, it was just a holiday. It would all soon be over, right?
❄ ❄ ❄
“Be careful or you're going to hurt yourself,” Renjun tried to warn his friend, pinching the bridge of his nose as his words went down the drain and Donghyuck fell to the floor, still holding the star for the Christmas tree. “Why are you so stupid,” he asked, less like a question and more like an affirmation.
“Don't be such a terrible friend and help me up,” Hyuck almost pouted, motioning for Renjun to take his hands, which he did but not without reluctance.
And then the doorbell rang and Hyuck was back to the ground.
“Renjun-ah!” he exclaimed, only to have his protests be ignored by Renjun as the boy ran to answer whoever was on the other side. He already knew who it was.
“Baby!” Jeno grinned from ear to ear at the mere sight of his boyfriend standing in the doorway — his yellow sweater big enough so that the sleeves were longer than his arms — and Renjun's heart grew warm at the way his eyes squinted. He had a soft spot for Jeno's eye smile.
“I was waiting for you,” Renjun said and Jeno clapped his hands at the words, as though ready for action. “Hyuck is useless and we need to get that star to the top of the tree.”
“Well, count me in,” Jeno uttered as he stepped inside, eyeing the three-step ladder Hyuck had fallen off from. “I mean, the tree isn't even that tall, why do you need that?”
“I'm assuming you don't, Mr. Tall?” Hyuck crossed his arms in front of his chest.
“Nah,” but, in fact, he couldn't reach the top either, at least not by himself. Jeno looked beside him at Renjun, who was caught up fixing some of the decorations that stood within his reach, and handed him the star after taking it from Hyuck's hands. Jeno put his arms around the smaller boy's torso, holding him from behind and lifting his body so that he would be tall enough to place the star himself. Renjun let out a groan, followed by a small laugh, stretching his hand out to finally add the tree's final touch. Donghyuck cringed.
“Oh, disgusting!” The boy tried to block the view with his hands and Jeno took that as an opportunity to turn his boy around and place a soft kiss on his lips.
Jeno loved this — this happy atmosphere that made his heart all warm inside and that brought him peace of mind. It was a break from all the tension that had been surrounding their relationship lately, maybe it was a bonus that came with the holidays.
But the truth was that, even at those special moments, when things seemed to be just wonderfully amazing between Renjun and him, Jeno couldn't shake off the constant pressure he was under, the constant feeling that they didn't know what they were doing anymore and the fear that they had reached a point where they had grown apart way too much, too much to keep doing this, too much to remain together.
Even if he tried really hard to keep it cool, his fears seemed to be always at the back of his mind, ghosting over his every thought and influencing from even his smallest actions to his drastic mood swings. Sometimes he felt like he was losing his sanity, but he also brushed off that thought. It was not like he could talk to Renjun about it — at least not anymore, not when so many of those talks ended in heated arguments about how much the two of them had changed and how maybe it was nonsense to keep trying to make it work. Jeno was always scared of those arguments, he feared that a simple misplaced word could have the power to shred to pieces everything they had built so far, everything Jeno clung to so desperately as if to a lifebuoy in the middle of the sea.
But it was not time to think about this, Jeno thought to himself. It was time to enjoy life with his loving boyfriend and to make the best out of the festive season. They had planned to go shopping that night — Hyuck's boyfriend was throwing a Christmas party this year where all of their friends would be, so they had a long list of presents to buy.
“I already got the car back so we won't need to take the taxi,” Renjun’s voice was low and rushed, almost inaudible. Oh, yes. The car.
“Oh, that's great,” Jeno tried not to give it much thought, but it was as if the matter was still there, laying underneath their small interaction as light as an anvil. It was the elephant in the room, the memory of their last fight, the reason the car had to be left at the auto repair shop in the first place, for no more than a minor damage in the bodywork — caused by a moment of distraction while the two of them shouted at each other for some reason Jeno couldn't quite remember — but which still had cost Renjun some money. Jeno insisted he would pay for it, in an attempt to make up for whatever it was that caused him to be so not-himself and because he felt some sort of guilt eating at him, but Renjun was too mad to accept it. He refused. And now the car was back and neither of them wanted to even think about the incident, let alone talk about it.
“Are we leaving anytime soon?” Jeno asked, his voice louder so that Renjun could hear him all the way from the bedroom, where he remembered to have kept an extra box of ornaments for his precious tree. Jeno didn't want to boss around. He was doing his best to keep a light atmosphere that evening and he knew how much Renjun hated to be rushed — that's why he bit his tongue right after the words went past his lips. But Renjun didn't seem to mind, either that or he was also making an effort to just have a peaceful time.
“Let me just finish this,” Renjun was very focused on his tree. He wanted to make it the prettiest, most Christmas-y tree there was, and for that, he bought all kinds of things to adorn its green body, from colored balls to smaller, shiny items and Christmas lights. Jeno decided to just sit down and appreciate his boy and just how adorable he looked when he had his mind concentrated on something, the way his brows furrowed as if he was deep in thought.
“Do you want me to help?” Jeno offered, giving Renjun a small smile.
“He'll accept it only to criticize everything you do. Preserve yourself,” Hyuck added in, finishing his sentence with a sarcastic chuckle.
“I wouldn't have to complain if you did things right,” Renjun defended himself from Hyuck's accusations before Jeno could have a chance to reply. “It's okay, baby,” he turned to Jeno. “I'm almost done,” and with that, his eyes went back to the tree.
Almost an entire hour had passed when they finally got ready to leave, and Jeno did well at disguising his impatience. At this time one year ago, as they walked down the sidewalk to where their car was parked, Renjun's hand would naturally find its way into Jeno's warm one, and he would take it without hesitation and give it an affectionate squeeze. It was only normal for couples to walk hand in hand and neither of them really paid attention to such mundane details, just like when they found their hands on the other's knee as they sat on the couch or when one would mindlessly play with the other's hair — but when those details were missing they became all the more evident.
Jeno sighed mentally. Everything was different one year ago, now it was as if they took this drastic change in route and Jeno couldn't quite wrap his head around what had happened. Renjun's hands were hanging loosely by his sides as he walked, no apparent sign of discomfort. It was like this voice in Jeno's head kept shouting at him, making it impossible for him not to notice those small signs.
Maybe he just doesn't feel like it, he thought to himself. He didn't want to overreact, but the truth was that everything felt sort of like a sign lately, a bunch of small puzzle pieces to make up the thing Jeno was most afraid of — but was he really? He couldn't tell. Sometimes he felt like the more he thought about it, the more the idea seemed to grow familiar, like an enemy you have kept close for so long that it’s almost like a friend.
He never thought it could be so difficult to make up one's own mind, but his thoughts all conflicted with each other. He could feel hopeless, then content and then back to hopeless in the range of one minute worth of wandering thinking. And right now he was unsure of even the smallest aspects of his life, even about Renjun, the boy he had loved with all his heart for the past four years and who he undoubtedly still loved. Now, his love wasn't the point in question. Jeno didn’t want to let Renjun go, but it hurt him to say that it hurt him to stay, and it troubled him to think that maybe it would be alright if he left.
Jeno’s hesitant hand was still unsure of what to do, being so close yet so far from Renjun’s apparently nonchalant one. So he rubbed his hands together for warmth before shoving both of them in his pockets.
❄ ❄ ❄
Renjun was freezing, wrapping his arms around his own body in a weak attempt at keeping his warmth to himself. He cursed under his breath at how long Jaemin was taking to come out of the damn house. This is going to be a long night, he thought to himself. Jaemin had planned to meet up with some friends for dinner and decided to drag Renjun along with him, which would be lovely if only Renjun didn’t feel in no mood for socialization. He insisted for them to just stay home, arguing that they could simply make a phone call and resort to a fake cold, but his argument served him no purpose. They were still going to that goddamn dinner.
The dark-haired boy stared up into the night sky, taking notice of the little stars shining back at him from a distance he couldn’t even begin to measure. You have the stars in your eyes, he used to tell Renjun, when it was just the two of them sitting down face to face in his bed, half a second before Renjun inched closer to close the little space between them and seal his lips with a kiss. You talk too much, he would reply.
Renjun shook his head at the intrusive thought. He didn’t want to think back to how everything used to be so different, didn’t want to awaken those feelings against which he had fought so hard. He hated how he could be so attached to the past sometimes. But this was not the past anymore — it never is. And Renjun was happy now, despite the weight that pressed against his ribcage, making his heart feel all tight and uncomfortable. He looked back up at the stars and they looked back at him. He was happy, he knew he was.
❄ ❄ ❄
“I'm pretty sure we've been here before,” Jeno scratched the back of his head, confused. He watched as Renjun kept looking through the many clothes in the store whose name Jeno couldn't care to remember.
Three entire hours spent going up and down all over town, having bought only two Christmas presents. Jeno was growing impossibly tired by the second.
“They all just look the same, Jeno,” Renjun replied, unfazed by Jeno's impatience.
“Can't we go home and come back some other time?” he couldn't take this anymore or his back would snap in two.
“If you had moved a finger to help me instead of standing there with your mouth full of complaints we would already be home by now,” Renjun had his arms crossed now as he stared at Jeno with narrowed eyes. Breathe, he told himself. He's just being irritating as usual, nothing new about that.
And Renjun had a point. Lately, most things about Jeno seemed irritating to him. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get to the root of the problem — it had got to the point where trying seemed like a waste of time and effort.
Don't get him wrong, Renjun loved his boyfriend more than anything in the world, and that only added to how terrible he felt given the state their relationship was in at the moment, which, as a consequence, only made him more frustrated and more irritated.
“It's the third-year crisis,” Hyuck had told him when he noticed Renjun and Jeno had fought once again — it was impossible not to notice, Renjun was very transparent when it came to his emotions and the fights with Jeno always had him feeling like shit — “Mark and I went through that, too. All it took was a breath from him and I wanted to punch his guts,” Renjun shook his head at his friend. That was not the kind of relationship he wanted, he didn't want to feel like punching Jeno — as he often did in the past few days — he wanted to give him love and attention and to treasure him so he knew just how much he loved him, because that was the only thing Renjun could say he was entirely sure about. Well, at least one of them.
Despite how much Renjun insisted on denying it to everyone and also to himself, it was still there, small and locked away where the eyes couldn't see. But he could feel it, the fear that crept under his skin and made him feel like the ground was opening up underneath him, ready to swallow him whole.
Renjun felt like a mess. He already felt the invisible bar that measured his patience lowering to a minimum but he didn't want any more fights. He didn't want anything to ruin Christmas — and Renjun loved Christmas, so he took a deep breath.
“Baby, please,” he tried to make his voice sound as calm as he possibly could, under the circumstances. “Just this one more, and then we can go home,” he watched Jeno's expressions carefully. Jeno sighed.
“Fine, just this one,” it was easy to tell that the taller boy recognized Renjun's effort, taking by how his features softened almost instantly. And Renjun felt a tiny bit of hope sparkle deep inside his chest. He felt like he could do it, or better yet, they could do it, if they worked hard enough.
However, his peace of mind didn't last for much longer. Sooner than Renjun would like it to, they were back at it again as they sat in the car.
Their arguments scarcely started for a solid reason — one that was actually worthy of a steamer discussion — and they escalated quicker than a fire under dry weather. It was all too fast, faster than any of them could process, and before they knew it they were already raising their voices at each other, full of hurtful words laced with defensiveness and venom. Renjun used to think they were just too fed up with each other, that it caused both of them to make a huge deal out of the smallest things.
“Why do you always fucking do this?” Renjun’s hand was tight around the wheel now. After learning from the last time that driving and fighting was a terrible match, he had parked the car somewhere he wasn’t sure was allowed parking. And he couldn’t mind checking, there was just too much adrenaline in his system for his mind to focus on such a thing. “Why do you always twist every fucking thing I say and turn it into whatever it is that you want to hear?”
“Oh, please, Renjun!” Jeno’s voice always turned loud and scary whenever they were fighting. “Why do you always have to play the fucking victim? Is this just bullshit to you? Am I bullshit to you?”
“I can never understand you anymore,” Renjun shook his head as he ran his fingers through his hair in exasperation. “I don’t know what we’re doing anymore,” the words trembled as they went past his lips, almost like an impulse, like an idea that went from his brain to his mouth without the interference of a filter. He couldn’t believe this was happening all over again, and it made him want to hit his head against the wheel until it all stopped — only it wouldn’t. That was not the way things worked.
“Then maybe-” Jeno felt a lump in his throat that almost made him choke, but it was as if those words couldn’t go unsaid despite how much he fought against them. “Maybe we should break up,” his voice was quieter now, barely over a whisper, and he regretted everything as soon as it was too late to take back, too late to pretend like that idea had never even crossed his mind.
But it was obvious it had, Renjun didn’t need any mind-reading skills to know that thought had been there at least a couple times before, because it had been in his mind too, regardless of how much he wanted to deny it, regardless of how many times he tried to push that thought away. It was something very difficult to ignore when recently all they did was fight and argue and complain.
Renjun often tried to remember what had made him fall in love with Jeno all those years ago. He tried to think about the way his eyes seemed to sparkle every time he looked at him or the way his voice was so sweet it resembled honey, dripping from those pretty lips of his. And then there was his smile, his eye-smile, as Renjun liked to call it — it had the power to light up the darkest corners of his heart in the fraction of a second.
But none of these things was the reason that had Renjun head-over-heels for Jeno. It wasn’t the way he always offered to carry his bags, or how he always laughed at everything he said. Neither was it the countless conversations they had — both the deep and the foolish ones — nor the times they held each other in their arms when all the other needed was a good cry.
It wasn’t the way Jeno made Renjun’s heart do risky backflips every now and then, in fact, that one was just a mere consequence of that feeling that simply invaded his entire being without asking for permission. Like the air that went in through his nose and into his lungs and made home into every little cell in his body without him even realizing its complex process. Like the water, that took up most of what he was made of and still he was in constant need of it.
It was as if grasping onto Jeno meant grasping onto dear life — and he didn’t see a problem in that. At least not until that moment, when everything they were together was threatening to shatter right before his eyes, and his hands felt like they were tied, like there was nothing he could say or do in order to keep things from going downhill — even though he knew that wasn't one hundred percent true.
Not another word was spoken after Jeno mentioned the b-word. Renjun struggled not to cry in front of him as he put the key back in the ignition and started the car to take the two of them back home. Jeno had his head cast down the entire drive as if there was something just too interesting in the way his hands were folded on his lap that he simply couldn’t tear his eyes away from. The air inside the car was thick enough to be cut with a knife, and both of them could feel it. Renjun’s heart was beating loud enough to be heard from across the street, let alone from the passenger seat, where Jeno sat — but then maybe it was just Jeno’s own loud heartbeat getting to his ears, thumping so strongly it sounded as if it was ready to fly out of his mouth. And they hated it, hated how they had allowed their relationship to get to this point and hated the evident fear that maybe that was really as far as they could go. Renjun tried his best not to give it much thought at least until they got home, so they went all the way back in utter, heart-clenching silence.
The atmosphere was still beyond awkward as they stepped into Renjun’s apartment. Renjun’s hands were shaking as he turned open the doorknob, just enough for Jeno to notice but it made the taller boy’s heart clench in the most painful way. And then Renjun’s eyes landed on the Christmas tree he had been so excited to put together for weeks — it didn’t look as pretty now, standing lonely in that empty living room in hopes someone would come around to pay attention to its colorful lights and adornments as if that was all it lived for. He felt a lot like that tree, he could understand how it felt. Renjun didn’t notice his eyes had teared up until he felt Jeno’s hand on his shoulder and a single drop slid down his cheeks.
“I- Renjun, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean that at all, I promise, I-” Jeno couldn’t find the right words to say as he stood there, awkwardly, a hand on his boyfriend’s shoulders. The sight of Renjun standing there with tears in his eyes made him want to do nothing but just hold him in his arms, tightly, until his tears turned into sobs and then into shaky, slow breaths. But he couldn’t — he didn’t know if it was still okay to be there for him like that, not when he was the main reason the smaller boy could be found in such a state. It was as if he didn’t know how to act around his own boyfriend of four years when he knew him better than anyone.
“Jeno, stop,” and Jeno’s heart almost did just that. “We both know exactly what you meant. We don’t have to keep pretending anymore,” Renjun didn’t recognize himself as he said the words. He always chose whatever he had to say very carefully, and he was known for that, but at this moment it was as if the words were jumping straight out of his mouth, like they had been stuck in his throat for the longest time and a part of him had been just dying to spit them out. Renjun was in agony, but this other part of him was certainly relieved. “We both knew this moment would come, Jeno. I don’t know for how much longer I can keep doing this, I can’t,” the boy was in tears now, his voice muffled by the crying as he struggled to get the words out.
“Baby, please. Let’s just talk,” the lump in his throat was growing harder to swallow by the second but Jeno was doing his best not to burst into tears too. “I know we’ve been ignoring this for the longest time but maybe if-”
“Is this as good as it gets?” the question took Jeno by surprise and left him at a loss for words, so Renjun continued. “It’s just so difficult, Jeno. Being with you and always fighting and it’s just so tiring and I-” his sentence was cut short by a sob.
“Sometimes I wish you would leave me,” Renjun’s eyes widened slightly as he stared up at Jeno. “Sometimes I feel like we’d be better off without each other but I can’t. I’m not sick of you yet, Renjun,” his voice was softer now, and shaky. Jeno felt his own tears running down his cheeks now, and he cursed under his breath. “I really want to make this work, to make us work but I- sometimes I think that the bitter in you and the quitter in me is bigger than the both of us,” and this was it. A cold-hearted wave of silence invaded the room after those words went past Jeno’s lips — nothing but the sound of their breathing could be heard, apart from the occasional sound of sniveling. But Renjun was still staring at Jeno, who was now looking down at his feet as an attempt to avoid the other boy’s gaze, even though he could feel it burning against his skin.
His heartbeat got impossibly faster when he heard Renjun’s subtle intake of air, meaning he was ready to say something. His heart felt heavy with a mix of hope and fear.
“Do you think it’s bigger than the love we have?” Renjun was almost whispering now. Jeno looked up to find that there were no more tears on his eyes now — they were red and swollen but clean. “Is it bigger than everything we mean for each other? Everything we’ve been through?” Renjun was trying to hold himself still, which was rather difficult given how much his body was trembling out of anxiety. He left the question in the air, and the fear of the answer made him close his hands into fists so they would be at least a little bit under his control.
And Renjun waited for what it felt like way too long. He waited for an answer he thought should be at the tip of Jeno’s tongue, whether the answer was yes or no. But Jeno just stood there staring back at him and moving from one eye to the other as if he didn’t know in which one to focus, as he rummaged messily through the many thoughts in his head. It was too much — everything was.
Jeno felt like he had forgotten how to speak, and before he could utter a word, he watched as the other boy moved out of his eye’s reach.
Renjun took his keys from where they laid over the coffee table and walked out the door, without another word to the boy who was left standing there, staring at the lonely Christmas tree.
❄ ❄ ❄
It had been a while, Jeno had to confess, since he last really felt something. It had been almost a year since his last break up, but to be honest, even while they were still together he wasn’t really into it anymore. Jeno was terribly hurt when it ended, but at the same time, it felt like an intake of fresh air, like he could finally start over and really give his heart a new home.
But it wasn’t that easy. The exciting feeling as that of a young bird who just learned how to fly didn’t last for long. He missed those wings that once wrapped around him and protected him from the world. He missed the warmth of his old nest, and he didn’t know if he was ready to build a new one.
Jeno wasn’t sure what had brought him to that square in the first place — maybe it was the giant Christmas tree that stood in the middle of the place, with its millions of pretty lights that brought people from all over the city to admire its beauty. Or maybe he just didn’t want to spend another Christmas night on his own. He could’ve traveled to his parents’ house this year, but after contemplating this idea for almost an entire month, he decided against it. There must be a party I can go, he had thought, before deciding he simply wasn’t in the mood to celebrate. He didn’t have much to celebrate anyways.
But there he was, surrounded by the sea of people that walked up and down — couples, friends, families — everyone admiring the gorgeous tree and taking pictures of it and next to it.
Jeno stepped closer to the giant mix of colorful lights until he could reach out and touch it, and as he did, he could swear to have felt some sort of energy run through his arm and down his body. It wasn’t an electric shock, he was certain of that, but the sensation made him instantly draw his arm back and step away.
He was still staring up at the tree, as one does after being unexpectedly slapped across the face, when a figure appeared next to him, making him look around to meet another boy’s eyes.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” The boy said, moving his eyes from Jeno to take a look at what he was previously staring at.
He smiled, and the shiny, colorful lights looked as if they were somehow smiling back at him, in their own special way.
• • •
If Renjun had to describe how he was feeling at that precise moment in one word it would be ‘tired’. Actually, more like ‘exhausted’ or ‘annoyed’ or ‘about-to-commit-murder’. There were too many words that could be used to explain his state of mind, yet none of them were the words he would rather use when talking about his favorite time of the year. He felt forced to be there, and if Jaemin was a nice enough friend he would have noticed, or so he told himself.
“Please, Injunie,” Jaemin had dragged his voice like he always did when he wanted something, earning a groan from Renjun. “My ultimate crush will be there and I have to go,” Renjun had rolled his eyes at his drama.
“Then go, I really don’t mind,” he had said, turning around to sit on the couch when he saw Jaemin pout from the corner of his eye.
“Injunie, pretty pleaseee,” the pink-haired boy was almost whining by then and it had made Renjun use his hands to shield his ears. “I can’t go by myself, what kind of loser am I?”
“The very annoying kind,” he'd heard Jaemin groan but had refused to give him his attention.
“I thought you were my friend,” Jaemin had sat on the floor in front of him, legs and arms crossed and a scowl on the face like the spoiled child that he was. Renjun had groaned once again, louder this time.
“Okay, I’ll fucking go with you,” he'd rolled his eyes when, all of a sudden, Jaemin had started jumping around as if he'd gotten exactly what he wanted from Santa. “But don’t expect me to stay there until the end!” Renjun had shouted, as the other boy disappeared into his bedroom.
“It will be just a small dinner with some friends!” Jaemin had shouted back. “Nothing too crowded!”
And there he was, in an attempt to be there for his friend who was now nowhere to be found. He’s probably banging his ultimate crush right about now, Renjun thought to himself, and it made him question why in hell Jaemin even wanted him there if he was going to leave him so soon to drown in the sea of people. Nothing too crowded my ass, Renjun cursed under his breath as he navigated through the bodies that stood in his way. He felt like choking Jaemin to death — but that could wait. He needed to get out of that place first.
He couldn't tell why his feet carried him in that direction. It was as if there was this force pulling him in like a magnet and when he realized he was already at the central square, where stood the most beautiful tree of all Christmas trees. Maybe that was what had attracted him there after all, since Renjun very clearly had a thing for pretty Christmas trees with lights and everything else they asked for. He moved in closer, as close as he possibly could, just so he could admire its beauty from up close, his eyes widening at how much bigger it looked when he was standing right next to it.
That was when the sight of someone caught his eye. A boy, who was standing almost with his back facing him. He had dark hair and was taller than Renjun. He couldn't tell why but even though he couldn't really see his face, he looked somewhat familiar — as if Renjun and he had crossed paths at some point in life. He wasn't so sure about that theory as he moved closer to him anymore. Renjun watched as the boy reached out his hand and touched the tree, taking it back two seconds later as if he was stung by something. Renjun smiled to himself. He was the most adorable thing, and when he saw it he was already right by his side.
“It's beautiful, isn't it?” The boy looked down at him, wide-eyed as if he wasn't expecting a complete stranger approaching him in the middle of the square. Renjun's eyes were then drawn back to the tree, and he smiled at the sight. It made his heart all warm inside. He heard the boy chuckle softly beside him.
“Yes, it is,” and his answer called back for Renjun's attention. “I'm Jeno,” he gave Renjun his best smile and the smaller boy had to fight not to turn into a thousand butterflies and take flight right then and there. Jeno had a way of smiling that almost squeezed his eyes shut in the most adorable way, and Renjun immediately felt his heart do a couple of pirouettes.
“I'm Renjun,” he said, and neither offered their hands for a handshake as they simply stood there, smiling at each other in the middle of the crowd for what felt like forever but didn't really last more than a minute.
❄ ❄ ❄
It took him a few seconds to realize what was going on, and when it did hit him, it hit him hard. It had Jeno running out the door and after Renjun, who was now nowhere to be found.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” he cursed out loud to no one in specific. “You're so fucking stupid, Lee Jeno. So fucking stupid!” Jeno was mad at no one but himself.
He couldn't believe he had let that happen. He couldn't believe that when Renjun asked if their problems were bigger than their love he had simply stayed quiet like an asshole. He just couldn't believe it! What was he thinking? Jeno didn't have any doubts when it came to his feelings for Renjun, he never had, but now his boy was out there somewhere thinking his love was not enough. And Jeno didn't even know if he could still refer to him as ‘his boy’ anymore, he wished someone would punch him in the face as hard as humanly possible — that's what he deserved.
Jeno rushed down the stairs so he wouldn't waste time waiting for the elevator to go up. He was well aware that that was Renjun's apartment though, he knew that if he waited long enough, Renjun would end up showing up at some point. But then the moment would be lost — like he feared it already was. By the time he got back, he probably wouldn't stand to look at Jeno for more than a second. He would angrily kick him out of his house and dismiss anything Jeno could have to talk to him. He had to find his boy right now.
Renjun wanted fresh air — actually, screw that, he needed fresh air. The atmosphere in the room had got too uncomfortable, on the verge of suffocating, and he felt like he would pass out if he had stayed there for another second. He had to leave.
And fuck it if Jeno didn’t come after him. Fuck it, he cursed under his breath, trying to convince himself that he didn’t care that Jeno didn’t love him anymore, that he didn’t care that the most beautiful thing he had for the past four years had come to an end. He wanted to make himself believe those lies — only, he didn’t. He couldn’t. It hurt too much to even think he was okay with all of that, because if he was, then it meant he didn’t care.
But Renjun still loved Jeno’s taste. He loved the cheesy way their hands seemed to fit perfectly, even though Jeno’s always seemed to be a little damp for some reason. He loved the way they held each other at night, and the way Jeno’s hair always managed to smell nice somehow, even without washing for a couple of days. And he loved Jeno — simply, easy, flaws and fights and kisses and all. He loved him entirely and that pain that tore him inside out was unspeakable, unlike anything he had ever felt before.
And that’s why his steps came to a stop when he heard his name being called after him, followed by heavy footsteps that obviously meant running. But Renjun refused to look back, he didn’t know if he could bear the realization that it was probably just all in his head.
“Renjun, please,” Jeno was out of breath when he reached Renjun, placing a hand on his shoulder to turn him around. There was too much to be said, both of them could feel it, but for a moment they just allowed themselves to stand there — in the sidewalk, in the cold, staring at each other with their breathing pattern almost in sync, even after how much Jeno had to run to get there. “I was stupid- fuck, I am stupid. I’m sorry.”
“You are a lot of things, Jeno. But you’re not stupid,” now it was Renjun’s turn to look down, his voice trailing off into the cold air. He had thrown his cards and he felt defeated.
“I love you, more than I could ever begin to explain. And it’s bigger than me, bigger than my entire world because you’re my entire world,” and then he decided to go for an attempt at a joke. “And you’re not very big, you know,” he added quickly with a light chuckle, smiling wider when he saw that Renjun let out a small laugh, too, like he always did. “I shouldn’t have just stayed there like an idiot. I know we can figure this out, Renjun. Just- please, if you still love me, please, give me another chance. I promise I-”
“Of course I fucking love you, you fool,” and at that, Renjun looked back up. “Do you really think we can-”
“I do,” Jeno blurted out, without a hint of hesitation this time, and Renjun smiled. “I love you, Renjun, and it seems like you love me too,” he reached out for Renjun’s hand this time, and Renjun took it without a second thought, giving it a small squeeze of assurance.
And the snow didn’t stop falling, and people didn’t stop passing by. At that time in the night, the stores were still considerably full of people, who came back holding bags of all sorts and sizes — everyone minding their own businesses and no one really paying attention to the two strangers kissing in the middle of the sidewalk.
And even if they did, all that could be seen was the smiles on their faces as they pressed their lips together, their arms that went around each other seemingly as tight as they possibly could, and that they were in love, there was no doubt of that. But still, no one could see the sparkle inside their chests, in their hearts, that resembled a massive tangle of colorful Christmas lights and that filled them with love, and hope, and a promise — because that sure was one hell of a bump in the road that had been scary and difficult to get over, but their love was still there, bright and warm and strong enough to push them all through the way.
~❀