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Scott stood impatiently in the entryway, checking his watch every few minutes to see how close they were to being late. “Tessa!” he called again. “Coming!” she hollered back. Scott peered dubiously at his reflection in the hallway mirror, straightening his tie and making a vain attempt to smooth his hair.
“It’s a lost cause Scotty. Besides, artfully messy is in,” Tessa teased, making her way smoothly down the stairs. Scott turned to look at her and his breath caught in his throat. Goddammit, he thought, would that ever stop happening? Seventeen years and she could still make him weak; still make him feel his world had shrunk to a pinpoint. She smiled up at him as he worked to calm the chaos in his head.
“You look great,” she enthused, running a hand casually down his arm and tugging his tie playfully. “You too,” he croaked. Great was rather an understatement, but “Jesus Fucking Christ I’d like to ravish you on the entryway tile,” seemed a bit offside. She looked incredible. Scott didn’t know anything about fashion, but Tessa was a blinding confection of deep green silk? satin? and creamy skin and delicate gold jewelry. Her back was bare (another hitch of the breath and an onslaught of inappropriate thoughts accompanied that discovery) and his palm itched with the desire to run his hands from the nape of her neck to the small of her back. His new mission for the evening was to find a reason for his hand to rest on that skin. He bet it felt like silk. He bet it would taste like sugar, He…was definitely losing it.
“Ready?” she asked, turning to him. “Yup, all set,” he replied. He tucked her hand in to the crook of his elbow and thought back to all the times they had replayed this scene in 17 years. Hotel hallways, the foyer of Tessa’s parents’ house, two Olympic villages; a virtual lifetime of escorting this beautiful girl to parties, fundraisers and sponsor events. And each time she seemed to make his heart beat even faster, make his head spin a little more. What had been butterflies at ten or eleven was verging on total mental collapse now. It wasn’t about the fancy clothes or the pretty make-up either, although there was no denying that she was never less than stunning on these occasions. What sent him in to a tailspin each time was the thrill of being by her side, of being the one who got to walk her in to the room full of people and have that feeling of completely belonging together. Somehow that feeling was always more intense for him in those moments. Whether it was the palpable sense of how much others wanted to see them that way, or just a manifestation of his own hopes, it always seemed easier to believe in the two of them as more than friends and skating partners.
The evening so far had gone by in a blur of smiling faces, congratulatory handshakes and a less than inspiring meal. He’d managed to casually brush his thumb over the small of her back while guiding her to her chair (Yes! Mission accomplished. And it did feel like silk.), and he found he was perfectly content to sit through boring speech after boring speech, Tessa’s leg resting against his under the table and her hand touching his arm when she’d lean over to talk to him. He was a love-struck teenager, cataloguing looks and small touches to obsess over later, and tuck away in his mental trove of all things Tessa. It was there that he kept his encyclopedic knowledge of her likes and dislikes, the quirks of her personality and those secrets of her heart she’d trusted him enough to share.
It had taken him years to understand that what he felt for Tessa was not what others felt for their friends. His relationship with her had been his normal, and it had certainly felt different than his romantic relationships. Those relationships had burned hotter, had seemed more intense, but ultimately they were also lesser. Because when the fire died down and the intensity faded there was only an echo of what had been; brittle and fragile and collapsing under the weight of his gaze and the pressure of his hands.
He thinks he knows the moment he finally understood what Tessa was to him. They had been on the train home to London, just a few months ago, and she had fallen asleep. Her head rested heavily on his shoulder, and he was consumed with the sound of her soft breathing and the feel of her hair tickling his cheek. All he could think was “This is what I want.” A million little moments with this girl beside him, stretched out to infinity.
He was the joker; the one with the big personality that was never serious. But when he thought about Tessa and how she made him feel he was a poet. He could write sonnets on the curve of her cheek and the green of her eyes. Admittedly they’d be bad sonnets, but the fact was there was something about Tessa that made him gush. Or maybe, just maybe he was losing his mind. Some days he wasn’t sure.
The sound of polite applause interrupted his reverie, and he glanced over at Tessa to see her staring at him quizzically. He smiled at her and tried to look intensely interested in the next speaker. Tessa too turned her attention back to the front of the room, but Scott noticed her glance at him occasionally, a question in her eyes.
***
As they made their way out of the hotel to their car, Tessa paused and looked towards the park. “It’s a nice night. Do you want to walk a bit?” she asked. Scott glanced skeptically at Tessa’s heels, “You sure about that? Those don’t look like walking shoes to me.”
“Please,” Tessa replied, “I could run a marathon backwards in these puppies.” Scott laughed and crooked his elbow at her, “Mi’lady.” They strolled quietly for a while, her arm tucked in his
He had no idea what to do about his feelings for Tessa. He’d scoured their every interaction for signs of what she feels, but the truth is their relationship has always had a physicality that wasn’t typical of friends, so it’s hard to know what’s part of the comfort and ease they’ve always felt with each other’s bodies, and what could be something more. He’d kissed her a half dozen times on the ice in Sochi and doubted she’d thought anything of it. He wondered what would happen if he grabbed her right now and kissed her for real.
“Is something bothering you Scotty?” Tessa asked after they had been walking in silence for a little bit, “You seem distracted.” Distracted is rather an understatement, Scott thought. Adrift on a sea of unmanageable emotions and overwhelmed with lust was more like it, but instead he replied, “I’m fine. A little tired, maybe.”
“You sure?” she prodded.
“I’m sure,” he replied.
They strolled quietly through the park, chatting occasionally about frivolous things; Tessa laughing at Scott’s retelling of his brother’s drunken birthday shenanigans, and Scott laughing at Tessa’s imitation of her uptight abnormal psychology professor. Scott managed to mostly lull himself in to a feeling of normalcy, of the ease of his usual interactions with Tessa. All would be fine until she’d touch his arm while enthusiastically recounting something she’d read and his skin would feel like fire where she’d touched him. Or she’d throw her head back and laugh at something he’d said, and he’d fixate on the delicate skin right where her neck met her collarbone.
It was beginning to feel like all of his time with Tessa was going to be like this; periods of calm punctuated by moments of feeling that would smack him like a wave. He didn’t know how much more he could take.
***
He opened her door and held out his hand for her, just as he always did. They made their way up the walkway to her front step. She put her key in the door, and then turned to him before opening it. He stood on the step below her, still holding her hand, playing with her fingers absently. He was avoiding looking up because he felt like to do so would shatter what was left of his self-control.
“Scotty?” Tessa asked, sounding concerned, “are you sure you’re okay?”
He took a deep breath and looked up, steeling himself for the full force of Tessa’s face in close proximity. He looked in to the clear green of her eyes and said nothing for a few moments. She met his gaze, and he could feel her wanting to ask again if he was okay, but she kept silent. Finally he smiled slightly and said quietly, “I’m fine Tess.” He leaned over and kissed her cheek gently. “Goodnight,” he said softly as he drew back and squeezed her hand. As he walked away he glanced back to see her still standing on the step, watching him. She lifted her hand to wave at him and he smiled back.
The drive home was a blur, and Scott walked to his door slowly, feeling frustrated, and confused, and so very much like part of him was missing without Tessa beside him. Fuck he was so tired of feeling that absence all the time. He rested his forehead on his front door and breathed deeply. How long could he do this? The truth was he couldn’t keep doing this. He felt like a liar and a fake pretending to Tessa, of all people, that everything was fine when all he wanted to was wrap her in his arms and never let her go again.
He pounded his hand against his door and shouted “FUCK!” as loudly as he could. He stood on his step, full of nervous energy and came to a decision. He strode purposefully to his car.
***
Tessa had only managed to remove her jewelry and let down her hair when she heard the pounding on her door. Concerned, she hurried to the peephole to see who it was before she opened the door. She wasn't really surprised to see a distorted image of Scott pacing on her front step. Something had been bothering him all night. She opened the door and Scott looked up, seeming almost surprised to find her there. Surprised to find himself there.
“Come in Scotty,” she said, opening the door wider and reaching out her hand.
For a moment Scott forgot why he’d come. She was standing there, still in her green dress, her hair down now, and she looked so fucking beautiful he thought he might die. He reached for her outstretched hand and made his way in to the living room behind her. She sat and patted a spot beside her, “Sit down and tell me what’s been on your mind all night.”
Scott sat down, fidgeting and not knowing where to begin. He ran his hands over his face, “It’s not just tonight,” he began. “Something’s been on my mind for a while now and I haven’t known how to talk to you about it.” He stood and started pacing the room. “I feel like a crazy person when I’m around you Tess," he could see her forehead begin to crease as she took in his words and he hastened to add, “It’s not anything you’re doing it’s just that I think I’ve changed. How I feel about you has changed.” If anything she looked more concerned now, and she had gripped her hands together as though she was bracing herself for something bad. He realized he was fucking it up. He was finally trying to tell her what he’d been feeling and he was fucking it up. He raced over and knelt in front of her. He put his hands over hers and took a deep breath. He didn’t think he could look at her for this next part.
“It’s just that I love you so fucking much Tessa. I have for years and I just didn’t get it before but now I do and just don’t know what to do. I want to be around you all the time and when I’m not there is just this constant ache of something missing. And I play these games with myself where I tell myself I can touch you just a little bit or kiss you when we’re performing and it will be enough, but it’s not Tessa. It’s not enough. I want you so much and I can’t pretend I don’t anymore.”
When Scott finally stopped there was only the sound of their breathing. This is the sound of the most important relationship of my life ending, Scott thought to himself. Then he felt her hand on his chin as she lifted his face up to look at her. She held his gaze for a moment, and then leaned over and kissed him. Softly at first, and then with more intensity and Scott knew in that moment, as his head spun and his heart raced, that he’d been right.
She was everything he’d ever wanted.