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Joy's always looking.
Not in the stalkerish, creepy, sense...but more in the sweet, adorable, you-hang-up-the-sun-in-my-sky sense.
Yes, like that.
Warm eyes and lazy smile, a hint of longing and quiet adoration, lips slightly curled, such weak attempt to disguise her true feelings—that's how Joy looks.
But the thing is, she doesn't look at everyone like that.
“Sooyoung-ah,” the older girl waved her hand, “you are not paying attention, wait, do I have something on my face?”
It was only reserve for her.
“Unnie,” Joy pretends to yawn and stretches her hand, “I'm booored.”
Seulgi just chuckles.
Ah, there it is.
Joy's looking again, only this time she lets herself go, slowly allowing a shy grin to grace her lips.
To hell with hiding her feelings.
She's not a coward.
I'm in love with Seulgi.
There, she said it.
They say love is something that just pops right in your face—like a girl scout that shamelessly knocks on your door, like a relentless acne breakout, or a love at first sight. Unexpected and sappy and full of surprises and all that crap.
Joy begs to disagree.
Love, love is a collection. Small fragments that makes out the whole thing. You don't just wake up and realized that you are in love. It's a gradual process.
It’s an addition. The piling up, the development...
That's how love is for Park Sooyoung.
...and that's how she realized her feelings.
That, and also the fact that she's always looking.
It allows her to see things.
Like how Seulgi's brown hair turns into an odd color of dark blonde during summer, the sun's heat doing its natural bleaching
Joy also notices how Seulgi's shorts fit her like a glove. The heat making her look younger, jollier. Breath-taking.
There comes her gleaming smile as she basks under the heat of July. Her eyes almost disappearing into crinkle; hands thrown in the air in order to show Joy how she mastered the art of no-hand cycling that the older girl can't stop talking about after watching videos of it in the internet.
Cute.
Her skin is tanned and she'd always reek off sun and dried perfume.
Joys loves it nonetheless.
Summer also meant long nights sneaking into each other's bedroom, pulling the blankets and laying down on the roof.
Seulgi would be too occupied looking at the stars by then... and Joy would be too. Only her eyes would be trained on the girl beside her, she thinks her friend is better than any celestial bodies anyway.
More fascinating yet… farther.
Because not once did Seulgi tear her eyes away from the sky to return Joy's soft glances.
Joy didn't mind.
Seulgi is hers.
That's all that matters.
But college came and Joy’s no longer sure about that.
Seulgi had move to the university dorm. Their daily meet-ups now reduced to weekends, sometimes not at all, and when they actually do get a chance to hang out, it'll be over a bunch of notes and calculators, laptop opened and scratches of pencil as a noise instead of laughters.
It's okay.
Joy would gladly endure all of that as long as she gets to lie down beside her afterwards, conversations peppered with soft smiles and cozy touches. Just like the old times.
“Unnie.”
“Oh?”
“I'll miss you,” she admitted once, eyes glued to her shoes. She has always been confident, but moments with Seulgi have dissolved her bravado into ashes.
Seulgi smiled, her eyes became nothing but crinkles, “You know, I'll miss you too.”
But Joy doesn’t know about that.
She doesn’t know if Seulgi misses her the way she misses the older girl. She surges forward, her hand snaking around Seulgi's nape.
“Come visit me, okay?”
Joy nods, her face buried on the crook of her friend’s neck, desperately searching for the smell of perfume she had grown to love.
It was no longer present.
Instead, she caught a whiff of an unfamiliar scent. It clings to Seulgi like a second skin.
The next time they meet each other will be two months after the last.
Screens aren’t better than the actual person. Joy would smile and giggle during their chats but after the camera’s off and they bid their goodbyes, she’d go back to staring at nothing in particular.
She has other friends—a lot of them, but they don’t make her heart flutter, do they?
They don’t wear the same eye smile, nor their laughs trigger something inside her, they don’t sound the same, they don’t talk the same, they don’t look the same.
It’s because they aren’t her.
But Seulgi’s here now, sitting beside her on a bench at the local park.
She’s wearing that black turtle neck and khaki coat (a combination that Joy loves), her hair tied in a low ponytail. The metals on her boots clank whenever she shakes her legs nervously.
Joy’s always been hyperaware of Seulgi and now she’s looking again.
“Why do you keep on staring at me?” She giggles.
Joy shrugs, “I just missed you.”
“I missed you, too,” Seulgi smiles as she takes Joy’s hand in hers, for a fleeting second Joy almost fools herself that this could be enough.
Her and Seulgi sitting together, the sun casting an orange hue, the leaves of fall making the whole thing romantic than it’s supposed to be.
But she knows it’s all a lie, because she always, always, looks.
“She’s here,” Seulgi beams in unadulterated happiness.
Joy had it coming.
She knew it the moment Seulgi began talking about this older girl. Her voice softens; even the virtual screen couldn’t hide the faint blush on Seulgi’s cheeks at the mention of her name, Joohyun.
Their video calls revolved around the girl with raven hair and bunny eyes, how she once reprimanded Seulgi for sleeping at the library and how she apologized after discovering that Seulgi works at night and then heads to university during daytime.
Joohyun unnie is a scholar, she’s so smart.
Joohyun unnie treated me to dinner today.
Joohyun unnie accidentally spilled milkshake on my sweater, but it is fine. She washed it.
Joohyun unnie is so pretty.
It became Joohyun this, Joohyun that.
Joy didn’t complain though.
She likes hearing Seulgi talk even if she’s talking about someone else.
“Hi," Joohyun greets, "I’ve heard so much about you,” her smile making Joy sunk further in insecurities.
Joy smiles too, “Likewise.”
Joy wishes, for once, to tear her eyes away.
To not spare a glance, to not notice the shy shoulder bumps, the awkward smiles and the way they look at each other like Joy’s is just a mere background.
She tries to swallow the lump on her throat when the two held each other hands.
Joy anticipated it, but it doesn't mean that it hurt any less.
When Seulgi sneaks in a glance and throws her a bright smile in between conversations, Joy knows… she knows it’ll take a while before she could stop looking at her.
For now, she’ll take what she can get.