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Cassandra Cain hadn’t just improved as a fighter; she’d skyrocketed. Every one of her strikes were like gunshots, fast and forceful, and it took all Harley had in her to maintain a decent defensive. There was already a splatter of blood on the rooftop from when Harley had taken a nasty jab to the nose. She had to do something. If there was just one-
The Batwoman kicked aggressively, throwing her off balance just enough for Quinn to sweep her standing leg out from under her. Cassandra tried to recover, but Harley kicked her in the gut mid-tumble, sending her flying closer to the roof’s edge. Quinn leaped over to her opponent, pinning the prone Cassandra in a submission hold before she had time to get up.
“Ready to say ‘uncle’ yet?” Harley asked with a characteristic smugness.
“Fuck. No.” Cain began to struggle for freedom, but Harley just started bending her leg outwards, threatening to break it if she didn’t let up. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaah fuck it, uncle! Uncle! You win!”
Quinn let out a triumphant cheer, getting to her feet before helping Cain up. “You’ve gotten a helluva lot better, kid. I’d hate to come across you in the field.”
Cassandra massaged her wounded leg. “Yeah, same to you, Harley. Damn.”
During their earlier training bouts, when Cassandra Cain had first been adopted into the Bat family, Harley would’ve asked if she was okay if she was visibly injured like this. Now, they’d both beaten the shit out of each other enough times to know they’d be able to recover from pretty much anything. “Alright, now that I win, you gotta fulfill your end of the bargain; how does a girl get herself some Kryptonite in this city?”
Cassandra rolled her eyes, not that Harley would be able to see it beneath her mask. “Janus corporation is doing some research with it in their East side laboratories.”
Harley looked confused. “Janus corporation doesn’t have any labs on the East side.”
“None that you’d know about, anyway. I’ll email you the address and the security details when I get home.”
Harley patted her on the back. “Thanks, kid. You’re a real life-saver.” Quinn moved to go, but the Batwoman cried out to her.
“There’s a lot better uses for Kryptonite than an engagement ring, you know!”
Quinn pivoted around. “Cassandra, we’ve been over this; it’s a rock that can kill Superman, and it’s green . Green is Ivy’s whole domain! How can I not get her a kryptonite engagement ring?”
“I dunno, you could get her a terrestrial green rock, like… Jade.”
Quinn gave her a judgemental look. “Can jade kill Superman?”
Cain sighed. “No. No, it cannot.”
“Exactly. So I’m getting my special lady some kryptonite, and if you’re not comfortable with that, feel free to stop me. Adios , my gay bat niece!”
Quinn backflipped off of the roof, parkouring her way back to her and Ivy’s lair to plot her heist. Cain shook her head with a smile, waiting until Quinn was well out of sight before turning on her wrist communicator. “Yeah, Bruce? I think you’ll want to move forward with that Janus job pretty soon.”
Selina’s stealthiness was the best and the worst part of working with her; Ivy nearly jumped out of her skin when she felt a gloved hand on her shoulder.
“Jesus!” The green villainess gave her accomplice an annoyed look from the couch where she’d been relaxing. “You don’t have to stealth your way through my lair, y’know; I told the plants not to eat you.”
Catwoman chuckled. “Any space with plants that can eat me is worth stealthing through, regardless of their directives.” She dropped a sheaf of documents in Ivy’s lap while pocketing her earrings. “You’re welcome for that, by the way.”
Ivy’s mood did a full 180 upon receiving her package. “Selina, you’re a lifesaver!” She skimmed the texts rapidly, before zeroing in on her target; the security dossier for the Blood of Themyscira, a 3,000 year old ruby ring set to be displayed at the Gotham Natural History Museum. “This is absolutely perfect for Harley!”
Selina perched herself on the arm of Ivy’s sofa. “You know, I could just steal this thing for you.”
“I appreciate the offer, but this is… special. I’m getting something for the love of my life; it wouldn’t feel right if I relied on someone else for it.”
“Even though you had me fetch that dossier for you.”
Ivy blushed. “Well… you were more suited for that. The actual heist is gonna be a lot more… smash and grab.”
Selina grinned. “I look forward to the news reports. Just make sure you can get out quickly; I’d hate to see you propose from behind bars.”
“Thanks, Selina. You’ll have your wedding invitation within the week, and the payment, of course.”
“I’d better. Good luck, my little lesbian flower.” Catwoman backflipped off of the couch and returned to the tangled foliage of Ivy’s lair, no doubt defenestrating herself with the grace of a panther. Ivy made a mental note to do the usual sweep of stolen valuables, returning her attention to the television before noticing that the remote had gone missing. Sighing, she began pouring into the museum’s security file in more depth (the ring was going to be showcased in the central atrium: maybe she should make a rooftop entrance?), but paused when she heard the window open in a much less stealthy manner.
“Babe, I’m home!” Harley cried from the kitchen, where she usually clambered in. Ivy was quick to stuff the security dossier between the couch cushions before her partner entered. She walked into the living room from a vine-encrusted doorway, a thin stream of blood running from her left nostril.
“Hey, Harley, hi, how are you? Gosh, what happened to your face?”
Harley’s face briefly turned to one of embarrassment before subsiding to a more characteristic smugness. “Oh, that’s just from a sparring match with Cassandra. Still managed to kick her ass, as usual.”
Ivy smiled. She’d had her apprehensions about Harley maintaining a relationship with one of Batman’s wards, but these had disappeared over time when it became clear that Cassandra wasn’t leaking anything too major to the Caped Crusader. Plus, she had to admit that Harley was becoming a way better ass kicker because of it.
“Nice work, babe! Say, have you got anything planned for tomorrow night?”
Harley sat down on the couch next to her. “I was just about to ask you the same question. How’s a night in the park sound?”
“That sounds perfect.” That’s what made her relationship with Harley so perfect; the two of them were vastly different, but they still thought on the same wavelength, even if Harley had no clue about Ivy’s plans to propose. “8:30 at the south gate, as usual?”
“You read my mind.” Harley leaned in close, and just from the look in her gorgeous eyes Ivy could tell exactly what she had planned. “Now, what about your plans for tonight?”
“Well, I was gonna try to finish Season 7 of Clone Wars, but I think a much more enthralling option has just opened up.”
Harley grinned “Glad to know that I pass the time better than space wizards and robo-skeletons.”
“Oh, shush.” Ivy pulled her partner in, enveloping her lips with her own and letting herself become immersed in the full sensory experience that was Harley Quinn, the love of her life.
Sex with Ivy had been fantastic, as always, but when Harley awoke from her slumber on the couch, she discovered that her partner was nowhere to be seen. Harley was used to this; being a plant did weird things to Ivy’s bladder, so she’d just assumed that she’d gotten up to pee. She was about to do the same thing, but upon checking the coffee table in front of the sofa, she discovered a note left by her fiance-to-be:
Harley ,
Had to go out and run a few emergency errands. I’ll be out for most of the day, but I’ll still be good for our date at the park tonight. Hope you have a great day,
Your sugar cane,
Ivy <3
P.S.: Selina came over to drop some chemicals off for me today, and she stole all our cell phone chargers (hence me using a note instead of texting you). Sorry :(
Upon reading this note, Harley smiled in relief. Not having a phone for the day would be annoying, but if Ivy was out, that meant she wouldn’t need to worry about sneaking out to get her engagement jewelry.
After relieving herself in the bathroom, Harley headed over to the lair’s master bedroom, a space that consisted mostly of plant matter, scientific equipment, and bludgeoning implements. She got her laptop out from under the bed, and turned it on to check her email. Sure enough, Cassandra had sent the address and security details of Janus Incorporated’s Anti-Superhuman Weapons Laboratory, along with a note saying it was hidden under an ice cream parlour and a warning that Batman had insisted on shutting the lab down personally today. Harley took this to mean Cassandra had snitched on her, which she was used to by now, and made a mental note to kick her ass extra hard at their next bout as she collected her favorite aluminum baseball bat from it’s wall rack and went to work. She also got dressed; high-stakes heists were not a pussy out kinda job.
Getting through the Janus labs was piss easy. A stammering nerd at the ice cream parlour front, a few overconfident armed guards, and baby’s first death traps were all that stood between Harley and her prize; a hunk of Kryptonite attached to some apparatus that let the Janus scientists fire lasers into it more easily. Harley whacked said apparatus to pieces and extracted the brilliant green rock. She chipped a piece off of it for the engagement ring, then pocketed the rest for scientific use. That's when Batman showed up.
“I appreciate you handling the guards, Quinn, but that Kryptonite is coming with me.”
Harley turned to see the Bat, his hulking form blocking the sliding doors that led out of the laboratory. She tsked at him.
“Oh, Batsy, isn’t it a little dishonorable to swoop in and steal someone else’s work?”
Batman’s face was a granite counter top, hard and flat. “I’m not letting you put Superman’s life at risk with that Kryptonite.”
Harley rolled her eyes. “And I’m not letting you ruin my proposal to protect a guy who wears underpants on the outside of his leotard.”
The two of them stared at each other for a split second. Then Batman flicked his wrist, and the room filled with smoke.
It was a trick Harley had seen a hundred times by now. She just had to close her eyes, listen for the sound of his footsteps, and dodge his attacks. She evaded a hook from her left, followed by what sounded like a bicycle kick, then a pause before a right jab that she blocked with her bat, and then-
She’d backed into the wall. There was a two second pause, then Harley heard a squeak on the smooth laboratory floor as Batman jump-kicked with all his might. Harley just managed to jump out of the way, meaning the Caped Crusader impacted full force into the smooth white polymer plastic of the Laboratory wall. He fell on his back, and Quinn landed on top of his groin with an uncomfortable crunch. Apparently that was the chink in his armor.
“Ooooh, sorry Batsy.” She said as she tip-toed off of him. “I’ll let the first responders know you’ll need an ice pack on my way out.” Quinn made to leave, but heard Batman struggle to his feet; testicular trauma was not enough to stop the Caped Crusader, even if he was clearly trying to blot tears away on the inside of his mask. That’s when Harley Quinn ran, and ran, and ran, and ran.
If there was one thing Pamela Isley had learned from her lifetime of supervillainy, it was how to make an entrance. Guests at the Gotham Natural History Museum were doubtlessly enjoying a sunny day of mundane education when the museum’s domed glass roof was coated in a mass of rapidly shifting kudzu. The swarming vines pushed their way through the glass ceiling, restraining the museum guards as the civilians fled for the exits. As hostile foliage swarmed the building, the dome of the central atrium gave way completely, and Poison Ivy descended, perched upon a pink lotus the size of a rhinoceros.
Ivy stepped off of her floral transport with grace, waltzing through the atrium before finding her prize; the brilliant red gleam of the Blood of Themyscira, shimmering behind a container of shatterproof glass. Ivy had some of her vines go to work on the locks, but as they did, she felt a tingling sensation as some of her swarm- the mass covering the roof- was cut down. It didn’t take a doctorate to tell who she was about to have a showdown with; you didn’t come for Themysciran jewelry without expecting Wonder Woman.
The demigod landed in a rehearsed superheroic fashion, sending shockwaves throughout the museum’s marble flooring. She brandished her round shield and pointed her longsword at Ivy, the Lasso of Truth dangling from her hip.
“That ring belongs to my people, plant witch.”
“Diana, yeah, hi, listen, I know you’re mad about me robbing your exhibit, but look, I need this ring to propose to my girlfriend! It’s a sapphic gesture, surely you of all people can get behind that, right?”
Diana lowered her sword for a moment. “I must admit, that does have a certain charm to it.”
Ivy lit up. “So you’ll let me go?”
“No.”
She sighed, then outstretched her arm. “Figures.”
A series of green tendrils began whipping at Diana from all sides, but the warrior queen cut them down with terrifying ease. Ivy urged the vines picking at the locks to work faster, finally managing to unlock the case and grab the ring as Wonder Woman closed the distance. Ivy used her vines to pull herself out of the way of Diana’s strikes, her nerves tingling as her swarm was cut down to size. She collected the sidearm of one of the museum guards, unloading a full clip at her superhuman opponent, but the bullets only managed to bounce off of Diana’s shield.
Seeing that the path to the museum exit was left wide open, Ivy began fleeing the scene, urging the full force of her plant army to bear down onto Wonder Woman. Ivy felt the last of her vines die as she used her confiscated sidearm to hijack a minivan; she was going to have to propose fast.
Harley arrived at Gotham Park’s southern entrance after nearly an hour of high-speed parkouring, and she felt it. She was sweaty and out of breath, and three hours early for her date. She just hoped Batman’s balls were busted enough to make kicking his ass easier.
Just then, a minivan going at approximately ninety miles per hour screeched to a halt in front of her. Ivy opened the passenger door. “Get in!”
Harley got in, and the two of them began speeding through the park, until Ivy parked in a secluded bit of foliage. “What the hell is this?” Harley demanded.
“I’ll explain later. For now, I need to tell you something: Harlene Quinzel, you are unhinged, sadistic, hedonistic, and completely batshit insane, and you are the love of my life. The time that we’ve spent together has been the happiest of my life, and I want that time to last forever. That is why I must humbly ask: Harley Quinn”- and here she took out the ring- “Will you marry me?”
There were three eternal seconds of silence. Then Quinn burst into laughter.
“Uh, Harley? Dear? Hello?” Ivy asked, perplexed and slightly worried as Quinn convulsed into the passenger seat.
“Babe,” Quinn gasped between breaths, “babe we are. The PERFECT couple!” She extracted her own ring, a piece of Kryptonite taped to one of those plastic spider rings. “I invited you on this date to propose to you too!”
“Oh my God!” Ivy began giggling as well. “So I take that as a yes?”
“Yes, yes, Ivy I fucking love the shit outta you, of course I’m gonna marry you!” Quinn kissed Ivy, partially to try and stop laughing, but mostly because she really wanted to kiss Ivy right now. The two of them kissed each other furiously, subtly sliding rings onto each other’s fingers as they enjoyed the oneness that each other’s company provided. It was the greatest moment of both of their lives. Then a cry came up from outside the car.
“Are you two done yet?”
Harley and Ivy emerged to see an annoyed Diana and a Batman that was walking funny.
“You stole your ring too?” Harley asked.
“Yeah, it’s a 3,000 year old Themysciran relic. Did you hit Batman in the balls?”
“Heh, yeah. He wanted the Kryptonite you’ve got on your finger. I would’ve taken it to a jeweler to get it put into a proper ring, but with Bats on my heel that was a no-go.”
Diana drew her sword once more, and Batman put up his dukes.
“Now’s about the time when I really wish we could call for backup.” Harley said.
“Yeah, I had Selina over, mainly to help me steal your gift, but also because I knew she’d steal the phone chargers. I didn’t want you checking that I was robbing the museum on the news. Not the best plan, as it turns out.”
“Oh well,” Harley twirled her bat. “Nothing more romantic than a team fight. You ready for this, sugar cane?”
Ivy grinned as the trees and shrubs of the park began to come to life. “You know I am.”
An intense bout then ensued between the two queens of Gotham crime and their mighty adversaries, another battle in the war that was Harley and Ivy’s love.