Chapter Text
A side story from a fiction titled 'the Jacket You Never Returned' by Daisuga.
(This story was originally written in Bahasa Indonesia. Translator :Denika)
Summary :
Unrequited love does not die ; It`s only beaten down to a secret place where it hides, curled and wounded- Elle Newmark
*******
That night Konoha Akinori stared at the figure of marble with sleep in his arms. Figure Akaashi Keiji fell asleep back to the window making moonlight that managed to break through the window and the curtain illuminated part of Akaashi's face and made it glow.
But there was a speck of sadness emanating from that beautiful face that Konoha didn't like. Konoha knows Akaashi had always been the type of person who kept everything by himself. He does not like to bother other people. Always prioritizing the happiness of others rather than his own feelings. The thing that making Konoha always
s want to protect Akaashi. Yes, for a Konoha, Akaashi figure indeed as valuable as that.
****
“Huh? Keiji? Who’s that?”
The sentence that Bokuto said at that time did not only make Akaashi destroyed. Konoha feels his heart like being squeezed when he saw the injured expression of Akaashi. He could not say anything. Konoha was speechless and didn't trust his voice. Maybe he would yell at Bokuto if he tried to explain. There is a monster named jealous and sadness that has long been Konoha buried and then wriggled his chest wanted to be released. So Konoha prefers to embrace Akaashi's shoulder to strengthen him. Luckily Kuroo immediately acted quickly by answering Bokuto question.
“He`s your boyfriend.”
For the second time Konoha's heart was broken. No matter how big Konoha's love for Akaashi is the young man is still not his. Plus seeing the look of hurt on the face of a loved one. Konoha must endure. For Akaashi's sake.
“Dude, I`m not gay.” Bokuto laughs, but he looks so confused, afraid.
Konoha and Bokuto have been friends for a long time. Bokuto is a more open and expressive person. Do not hesitate to issue all his opinions also instantly act like what is in his mind. Sometimes that's what makes Konoha feel annoyed at Bokuto. But never once did he feel angry. So angry at Bokuto that he wanted to hit him. Even when he finally said that Bokuto was in a relationship with Akaashi and made Konoha disappointed, Konoha could still hold his emotions.
But for the first time in his life Konoha felt so angry that he wanted to hit and curse Bokuto. Konoha was afraid of the monster that had long been his bridle in him. If he hurt Bokuto, Akaashi would definitely hate him. At that time Akaashi needed his support more than his anger.
Konoha took a deep breath. Enjoying Akaashi's sleeping face before him. He can’t forgetting the expression on Akaashi's face which at that time could only blink his eyes and try not to cry because Bokuto had accidentally forgotten about it.
Konoha also wants to cry. He loves someone who does not reciprocate his feelings but also unrequited feelings. This is a nightmare from a Konoha Akinori. Love someone who loves someone else. Hurt because they see a loved one hurt because of someone else. It was not only Akaashi who was injured, but Konoha carried twice the burden Akaashi felt.
I think he must have conferenced with my nightmares on exactly how to hurt me
Clementine von Radics, In Defense of Loving Him
One week has passed since Bokuto accidentally forgot Akaashi. Konoha secretly watched the young man. Looks fine. Still living together in one apartment with Bokuto, although not as a pair of lovers. As a friend, just one place to stay.
Everyone who understands and admires the relationship between Akaashi and Bokuto tries to restore Bokuto's memory. They couldn't stand the sight of how injured Akaashi every Bokuto was calling him Akaashi, not Keiji. Bokuto doesn't know how long Konoha has been quietly crave to call the beautiful young man by the name of Keiji while Bokuto has the right and the chance to throw it away.
Konoha fed up. He didn't go along with the others to try to remind Bokuto.
But their efforts stopped on the third day. Bokuto returned all the effort to remind him of that with awkward laughs and as a silly joke. Again what Konoha most wanted from Bokuto was considered a joke by Bokuto.
They stopped because they couldn't bear to see Akaashi's hurt expression.
Konoha can only observe from afar. Providing support by inviting Akaashi to go to lunch together, trying to talk to him, or just replacing Bokuto in their Saturday night routine. Akaashi told him that he had a habit of watching movies together every Saturday night. Konoha was willing to replace Bokuto to accompany Akaashi to watch all the films he had not yet watched. Although the film has a genre that Konoha hates, even though Konoha is only a substitute. Konoha is willing. Slowly began to enter Akaashi's life which began to collapse.
Still, he's not Bokuto. Still Akaashi never showed a happy expression. Because he is Konoha Akinori. And Akaashi Keiji only wants Bokuto Kotarou to return. Konoha hates to admit it.
****
Someone once said to Konoha that the most beautiful love is when you love someone in silence. That one-sided love is not sad love. Beautiful, because you still love someone without expecting anything in return.
Konoha only chuckled when remembering. Of course he would still love Akaashi without expecting anything in return. Isn't that easy to forget his feelings and how will he expect a reply if he has no other choice?
For days he tried to avoid Akaashi. He was still watching the young man but he stayed away. It hurt his heart to see Akaashi who was already so injured that he still followed Bokuto wherever he went. Never once felt angry. Insufficient people getting to know Akaashi must have thought that Akaashi was okay.
But Konoha knows how broke Akaashi's heart is.
He is quietly asked God or anyone who could grant his wish. Konoha doesn't want to see Akaashi hurt again. So, if Bokuto really can't make Akaashi happy, allow Konoha to pick up and unite Akaashi's pieces of heart. Cure him and make him happy again. Although forever he was only a shadow of a Bokuto Kotaro, Konoha was willing.
****
The nightmare did not stop there. One day Kuroo appeared in front of his apartment with a facial expression that made Konoha's heart pound. He knew if the young man brought bad news. Please, please, thought Konoha. I beg you not like what my thought.
"Konoha, Bokuto told me if he has a lover. And I also told Akaashi earlier. For some reason now I feel worried about him."
Akaashi!
Abandoning whatever he had been doing and ignoring Kuroo who was shouting to him, Konoha ran out of the apartment. He must find Akaashi as soon as possible. Konoha ran until his chest was congested. He is an athlete so running is not a difficult thing for him. His chest was tight with all kinds of emotions at the time.
The sound of vehicles passing by did not he listened because his ears were ringing very loudly. Konoha concentrated on focusing his thoughts to accelerate his pace. He ran towards Akaashi's apartment. He knew that the young man must have been there at this time. Today's Akaashi schedule only has violin practice and Bokuto will go home when it gets dark. Especially after having a lover then he will come home less often.
Konoha could not imagine Akaashi alone in his apartment and carrying all the weight of the world on his shoulders. Akaashi can lie to everyone but not Konoha.
Ten minutes of running very fast now Konoha is standing in the doorway of Akaashi's apartment. Panting, he opened the door and found the scene he was most afraid of in his life. The black haired man was standing behind him. Even though Konoha can't see Akaashi's face, his feelings say that Akaashi is crying. He also knew that Akaashi not liked to show his feelings. So with a slower pace Konoha walked closer, watching the black haired man's shoulders tremble slowly and his hands on the sides of his body were tightly clenched. When it was very close Konoha could hear Akaashi's raspy voice.
"He will never remember me. He will never come back."
There is no need for any more explanation and Konoha knows who is meant by Akaashi. With quickly he embraced his body eight centimeters taller than himself into his arms. Konoha leaned his head on the back of Akaashi's head. His hands are circular and linked to Akaashi's stomach.
They burst into tears.
"It's alright, Akaashi. I’m here. I am here."
****
"Today Kotarou found one of the papers I hid," Akaashi said after finishing playing his first Spiegel im Spiegel that day. The violin is still squeezed on the chin but the tool has been drooped weakly with his hands on his sides.
"Then what did you say?" Konoha glanced at Akaashi from the book he was reading. When Kuroo can't accompany him to practice violin, Konoha will be present so Akaashi is not alone.
"That everything written on the paper is just a joke between the two of us."
"You know, Akaashi?" Konoha interrupted. "Sometimes you don't need to spoil Bokuto. You can also prioritize your own happiness. Sometimes you just have to look around and then realize that someone is always waiting for you."
Akaashi was stunned. But did not answer. He did not want his suspicions proven. It was enough of Bokuto's problems to shake him up and he didn't want to add to the burden in his heart.
But Akaashi confirmed Konoha's words. Besides, Bokuto will never return to his side. The one living in the apartment with him is another Bokuto. Bokuto Kotarou is different.
"Akaashi."
Akaashi looked at Konoha who was now looking down.
"Can you stop playing Spiegel im Spiegel?"
****
Bokuto never remembered.
Days turned into weeks and weeks into months and before they knew it, Bokuto already graduated.
Konoha and Akaashi's relationship did not develop too far either. Occasionally Konoha accompanied Akaashi to practice the violin if Kuroo had to attend another event. Sometimes Akaashi also accompanied Konoha to buy new books that Konoha wanted to buy. Lunch together and watch a movie on Saturday night.
Konoha was still on Akaashi's side even though he kept Bokuto around him. Keep Bokuto in his heart.
Until one day Kuroo called Konoha and told him something. Konoha went straight to Akaashi's apartment and saw the two of them returning home in conditions that made Konoha's heart squeezed again.
The clothes Kuroo was wearing were wet with tears from Akaashi and the young man was in a shaking condition. Konoha immediately took over. After making sure Akaashi was with Konoha, Kuroo said good-bye. Now Akaashi is in the right hands.
"This. Drink up."
Konoha offered Akaashi a cup of warm chocolate. Also a pack of tissue.
"Thank you." Akaashi answered softly and in a hoarse voice. He accepted the drink with trembling hands before sipping it. The warmth flowed through his throat and into his stomach. His feelings became a little calmer. His heart still feels very painful but after a moment he becomes calm.
"Konoha san, tomorrow is the last day I play Spiegel im Spiegel."
****
It turned out that when Akaashi stopped playing Spiegel im Spiegel it didn't mean that Konoha automatically got Akaashi. Even so Konoha remained by Akaashi's side. That night Akaashi returned from the Bokuto wedding party, the man looked once again broken.
Konoha can only hold him tightly.
Konoha himself did not attend the Bokuto wedding. He was sure he would not be strong enough to witness everything. Happy Bokuto, the ruined Akaashi saw his true love standing in front of the altar with another woman, and himself who bore it all. Seeing the person he loved suffers and he is still nobody.
He would not be able to hear Akaashi bring Spiegel im Spiegel to Bokuto with all his feelings.
So he waited. Until Akaashi, who was still wearing his best suit, appeared in Konoha's apartment and cried once more in his embrace.
I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
But I couldn`t stay away, I coudn`t fight it
I had hoped you`d see my face
And that you`d be reminded that for me, it isn`t over
Adele – Someone Like You
****
That night Konoha Akinori stared at the figure of marble with sleep in her arms. The figure of Akaashi keiji fell asleep back to the window making the moonlight that managed to break through the window and the curtain illuminated a part of Akaashi's face and made it glow.
But there was a speck of sadness emanating from that beautiful face that Konoha didn't like. Konoha knew that Akaashi was the type of person who kept everything by himself. He does not like to bother others. Always prioritizing the happiness of others rather than his own feelings. The thing that makes Konoha always want to protect Akaashi. Yes, for a Konoha, Akaashi's figure is that valuable.
That night since returning from Bokuto's marriage, Akaashi chose to stay at Konoha's apartment. Konoha knew that Akaashi did not want to return to his apartment which had millions of memories of Bokuto. On the other hand he also didn't want Akaashi himself at a time like this.
That night Konoha slept with her arms around Akaashi's weak figure. Fantasizing for a moment wishing that time Akaashi was indeed his. Imagine if one day Akaashi will play a `piece` that is specifically for Konoha.
Konoha's Spiegel im Spiegel.
****
All Konoha could do was stay by Akaashi's side. Trying to convince him that he is not alone. Don't force him to accept his existence. Konoha wants everything to go according to the flow like river water flowing. He does not like to force. Konoha wants to enjoy the moments she has with Akaashi. The most precious moments at his side.
Konoha still often accompanied him to practice violin. And as he promised, Akaashi never once played Spiegel im Spiegel.
Because Arvo Part's work always reminds Akaashi of the Bokuto he loved. Bokuto has left and will probably not return. Bokuto who loved Akaashi disappeared and changed to Bokuto who regards Akaashi only as a friend. Even though Bokuto had never left Akaashi's heart and mind. No matter how hard Konoha tried, he remained a substitute. There isn't even one beautiful work that can remind Akaashi of Konoha.
So pathetic. Of the many masterpieces, none can represent Konoha in Akaashi's heart.
And Konoha again buried itself. Given the opportunity to always be by Akaashi's side, Konoha was grateful.
****
One year passes quickly.
Now Akaashi has left his apartment which has millions of memories which only hurt him. Konoha took advantage of this rare opportunity and offered Akaashi to live with him so he would not be alone. And Akaashi agrees.
Konoha has never felt this happy before.
The habit of watching movies on Saturday nights continues. Now they have a new habit. Namely go drink coffee on Friday morning. Konoha deliberately keeps Akaashi busy. So he don't have time to think about his past. Konoha tried to start a new routine and make new memories with Akaashi.
Because even if it's just one piece, he also wants to have a place in the recesses of an Akaashi's heart. He was tired of trying to replace Bokuto so he had to be content with just a small portion.
That Friday morning as usual he invited akaashi to drink coffee together. Now Akaashi is much more cheerful and open. The atmosphere is so perfect. The sky is pastel blue and the light doesn't sting.
Warm, like the feeling of Konoha at that time.
"You know, Akaashi," Konoha said, "You sound like a kid."
"Hey, but I'm right. Look at the cloud over there that looks like your face!”
If there isn't a song that makes Akaashi remember it, a line of clouds that is quickly lost in the wind can remind Akaashi of him alone enough for Konoha. He felt very fond of Akaashi. And that day looked perfect. He grabbed Akaashi's shoulder with his arm and tightened his arms. It was as if Akaashi would leave him if even a little Konoha loosened his arms.
But there is always something that ruins your happy day. When suddenly they hear someone calling. Konoha cursed in the heart.
"Hey!"
Why did he have to appear at a time like this? When everything was a little perfect for Konoha. He could only blink in disbelief of what he saw before him. Bokuto Kotaro had just appeared from nowhere and greeted them.
The atmosphere became very awakwrd.
"Hello."
"Why are you guys together? Is Konoha your boyfriend?"
Konoha doesn't know what Bokuto means. Maybe it's just a question that has no intention whatsoever other than curiosity. But for what? The man who had left Akaashi and married another woman now had to come and ruin his happiness.
"Yes."
Konoha answered briefly, densely, and clearly.
****
In fact Konoha was a little grateful for Bokuto's appearance that morning. He can say in front of Bokuto's face that Akaashi is his. Sounds evil indeed. But Konoha only used the opportunity. An opportunity that apparently made the goddess of luck smile sweetly at him.
Coming home from the Café, akaashi had not liked Konoha's answer to Bokuto.
"Why did you say that?"
"It's the truth." Konoha answered simply. Konoha crawling over to him, breath tickling his face. Konoha knew that Akaashi's thoughts returned to Bokuto. But today it was begun with a perfect atmosphere and he just needed to continue to convince Akaashi about himself.
"It's the truth." His repeat.
Even Konoha was able and willing to repeat that sentence millions of times as long as Akaashi could believe it. Fortunately he didn't need to say that much because when his dry lips finally merged with Akaashi's lips, the kiss was reciprocated.
"It's the truth."
Akaashi embraced him and deepened their kiss.
"It's the truth."
****
But it seems that Konoha must pay dearly for the happiness he dared to taste. Konoha was still holding Akaashi in his sleep. Having it all night and not even morning yet.
But he heard Akaashi's cellphone ring.
The ring never stopped even though the minutes passed. Both are awake and Konoha knows that the ring will continue to interfere if it is not immediately lifted.
"Just lift it up, Keiji." Said Konoha in his sleepiness. Not noticing Akaashi's stunned expression as the young man glanced at his cellphone.
Fear crept back in Konoha's chest. From Akaashi's tone answering his cellphone he knew who dared to disturb their sleep. So Konoha was only able to hold Akaashi so he could not escape his grasp.
"I'm sorry, Bokuto san."
Right?
Konoha tightened his arms again. He kissed Akaashi shoulder to shoulder trying to strengthen. But strengthen who? Strengthens Akaashi, who when he finally hangs up the phone immediately sniffles, or strengthens his own heart which secretly worries and fears
What if he loses Akaashi after he finally has it?
"You are so brave, so beautiful, it's okay Keiji. It's okay I love you."
Yes, Konoha loved Akaashi so much that he again left his own feelings of fear in order to soothe his lover. Akaashi's happiness is his priority.
****
Konoha managed to forget his fear for a moment. Day after day passed and finally Akaashi Keiji graduated from college. Apparently, the fate still wanted to play with them. Because Akaashi was accepted into a workplace under the leadership of Megumi. Bokuto Megumi. The woman married by Bokuto Kotaro.
Now he sat together with Kuroo.
"Am I that greedy?"
Kuroo looked at Konoha with a look of pity.
Konoha sipped his cold coffee. "Sometimes I really want to have it. Keep Akaashi to myself. But I know he will never be happy. But can't I be happy too?"
Kuroo still doesn't answer. Konoha just needs to be heard. So he just kept quiet and Konoha continued.
"I'm really scared that one day Akaashi will leave my side. I could not live without it. I love him so much that it feels like my chest hurts so much. But it seems like I have to be satisfied with just this, huh.”
Kuroo feels speechless. He leaned his back in the Café chair where they met and looked around before sitting up straight and staring intently at Konoha.
"For your information, Konoha. You are the bravest person I have ever known. I am grateful to have known someone like you. And I'm sure so is Akaashi. You have the right to be happy. I'm sure one day you will find your own happiness. With or without Akaashi. As a gift it has become so brave."
Hearing Kuroo's sentence, Konoha cried.
****
Konoha heard Akaashi call him. He walked over and was about to answer when a pair of his eyes found something on the table. A box of green-eyed rings.
The ring he had seen many years ago. The ring that Bokuto showed everyone before he lost his memory. The ring was then pinned on Megumi's fingers. The ring that Bokuto chose because he thought was very compatible with the eyes of an Akaashi Keiji.
So why is the ring there? Did Akaashi bring it? Where did he get it?
Trying to make any secret, Konoha's brain could not refute his heart. In the recesses of his heart—and even his brain could not help but agree—Konoha understood what this meant.
Konoha could only look at the ring with a bitter look and sigh. Game over.
"I lost, right?"
For the first time Akaashi became the first to embrace Konoha. Whispered something in Konoha's ear.
"Forgive me."
"It's okay." After all Konoha had no choice.
"I really did love you, know?"
For the last time he wanted to believe it. For the first time, finally Akaashi said that he loved Konoha. Although it is an expression of separation. At least Akaashi said that to him. There is nothing Konoha wants besides that.
And Akaashi's happiness.
"I know."
Konoha did not think that he lost. But indeed from the beginning he had lost. He was given only a few opportunities to accompany Akaashi, guarding Akaashi while Bokuto's memory was gone. Now he must return what does not belong to his own. He was reminded not to be greedy.
Once again he must be brave in his life.
This separation feels light. Like saying goodbye to old friends. At least Konoha never felt sorry. He had loved Akaashi before. Akaashi even loved him once. As Kuroo had told him that Konoha was so brave. Dare to take the opportunity, dare to take decisions.
And one day he will feel his happiness. Even without Akaashi by his side.
Akaashi is one love that happens in his life that is not to be regretted. But to be grateful, to be remembered, and to be saved is a very precious memory.
Something that is very valuable and will always guard Konoha until the end of his life.
"One last kiss for goodbye?"
Perhaps a great love is never returned
– Dag Hammerskjold
****