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Isak could not care less about what Chris was saying right now.
The music was loud and it was hard to hear, but Isak wouldn’t care if he could. He was sure he didn’t want to listen to what Chris had to say, anyway. Anytime Isak tuned into the one-sided conversation, Chris was either talking about himself or about he and Isak together. It sounded a lot less appealing than it seemed.
Instead of focusing on the guy who wanted to take him home tonight, Isak’s eyes were glued to the other side of the room, where Even was almost literally wrapping a girl around his long finger.
She was a pretty blonde with a poorly done spray tan. She had long acrylic nails, and even from there, Isak could tell that she would fall for anything Even said. Even told a joke, it seemed; her mouth was a little too wide when she laughed and she not-so-subtly dragged a hand down his arm, and Even was not-so-subtly checking her out.
He leaned over and whispered in her ear. She nodded eagerly and he turned to leave, not before his eyes met Isak’s across the room.
Isak blushed and put his head down, even though he knew it would be impossible for Even to see his red cheeks from this far. He looked up shortly after, and Even was gone.
“...so what do you say?” Chris leaned against the wall with a smirk.
Isak stood there, not knowing what to say. He didn’t even know what Chris asked him.
“Um, no.” Isak smiled and patted Chris on the shoulder, taking a chance with his answer. Chris sighed and shrugged, replying with a small ‘no problem’ and turning on his heel. It didn’t matter to Chris, anyway; Isak could guarantee that he would have his tongue down someone else’s throat in the next ten minutes.
Isak glanced around the room, looking for Even. He couldn’t see him anywhere, glancing between the dancing people.
Now that Chris wasn’t semi-entertaining him, he had nothing to do. He could go to his room, but he knew there would be at least three naked people in there, either yelling at him to get out or inviting him to join them.
Isak wandered around until he spotted a blonde walking into the hallway leading to the bathroom. Noora. And being the curious (or nosey, as Eskild described him) person he was, he followed her.
She was pinning someone against the wall as the two made happy noises, giggling from the amount of drinks they had probably had. It wasn’t until Noora broke their kiss for Isak to see exactly who she was kissing.
Eva had red lipstick smeared on her lips, a huge smile on her face as she leaned in for another kiss. Noora happily complied as Eva’s hands trailed up Noora’s back.
Oh. He didn’t know that.
Isak turned before they noticed him watching them. He didn’t want to know something Noora or Eva didn’t want him to know.
He felt a vibration in his back pocket and pulled out his phone.
even n.: meet me by the entrance. two seconds
Isak rolled his eyes, trying to hide the smile on his face.
He walked with a purpose towards the door, moving in between people and getting a few shoves in return. He finally made it, the amount of people nearly suffocating him.
This part of the room was almost empty, save a few couples leaned against walls and sneaking to the bedrooms.
Even stood by the door, looking up as he saw Isak approach. He flashed him a toothy smile as he stood straight and walked towards him.
Even stood directly in front of him, looking over him to check and see if anyone was looking at them. Isak stared at the cluster of freckles on the side of his face; freckles that he’s traced with his fingertips in the dark of the nights while Even slept, not yet wanting to leave the warmth of Even’s bed.
Even looked down at Isak and softly placed a kiss on his lips, his hands traveling down to Isak’s hips. Isak’s hands unfurled and he placed them on the sides of Even’s neck as the kiss deepened, Even’s tongue slipping into his mouth and releasing a tiny whimper from the smaller boy.
They pulled apart for air, and not even a minute later, Isak wanted to kiss him again, to feel Even’s touch that he was so desperately attached to, that he yearned for, that he thought about late at night when his only company were his own hands and his own needs.
“My place?” Even asked, the first words he’s heard from him all night. Isak nodded, almost too desperately, almost too childlike, but that was the best part of this relationship they had. Because neither of them really cared about the other. They were just having fun, there was nothing more to their relationship. Friends with benefits, Isak liked to think.
— — —
“He was so fucking boring, too, my god,” Even chuckled as Isak spoke about Chris, a cigarette being passed between the two. “You would think a guy as popular as him wouldn’t be so boring, but no.”
“So you didn’t like him, I’m guessing?” Isak huffed and rolled his eyes at Even’s question.
“No, I’m in love with him. What do you think?” Even laughed again, his deep voice filling the car. “It was like every time he looked at me, he was imagining fifty different ways to do me in the bathroom.”
“I’m gonna take another wild guess and say that you’ve been with him before?”
Isak didn’t speak for a few seconds. “Maybe.”
“Oh, okay, so you’ve been sitting here talking shit about him for the past ten minutes, but you’ve done him?” Even glanced over at Isak who didn’t respond immediately.
“Just because I’ve done someone doesn’t mean they were amazing, or even good , for that matter.” Isak inhaled a puff of smoke. “I was stupid, and he was the only guy to show attraction to me, so I did him. It was, like, a million years ago.”
There was a silence, so Isak took the chance to admire the beautiful night life of Oslo. The lights, the shops lining the streets, people holding hands, walking to and from restaurants, likely in love. He had always wanted to move away, study at a university somewhere, but in this second, he didn’t want to be anywhere but here.
Two girls were walking, holding hands and smiling. One said something that made the other laugh hard. Isak smiled as the mental image of Noora and Eva popped up in his head. He remembered how Eva smiled, and how he has never seen Eva smile like that. Not even with Jonas.
Isak turned back to Even, looking at his profile. “What about the girl you were talking to?”
Even sighed. “She’s okay.”
“Okay? She looked like she was falling head over heels for you.” Isak put the cigarette in the small ash tray in Even’s cup holder.
“Who isn’t?” Even grinned and Isak rolled his eyes, struggling to contain a smile.
Even turned into his driveway and parked. He turned to Isak. “Why do you ask?” Even smirked. “Are you jealous?”
“Me? Jealous? Never.” Isak unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the door before Even could see the blush on his face. “Especially not over you.”
Even got out and started towards the stairs, Isak in tow. Isak noticed the smile on his face as he walked up the stairs.
They’ve done this a million times, but every time Isak has gotten more and more impatient. Excited. Anxious.
They made it to the top of stairs and to Even’s flat and Isak leaned against the door as Even rifled through his jacket pocket trying to find his keys. Isak reached over and grabbed Even’s chin, turning his face up to look at him before kissing him.
Even kissed him while unlocking his door. He put a hand on his hip and slipped his thumb under Isak’s shirt.
The kiss got more heated as time passed, and even though the door was unlocked, they still stood there, too encompassed with each other to care.
Even pulled away and opened the door, Isak stumbling back into the apartment. Even smirked and all but slammed the door shut, and pressed Isak against the wall.
Isak felt the other’s hand slip down his back and he groped his ass, making the younger gasp. Even began kissing Isak’s neck and grinding his hips against his thigh.
They finally moved away from each other and Even grabbed Isak’s collar and all but dragged him to the bedroom, pushing Isak onto the bed and settling on top of him, removing his shirt and kissing his bare chest.
— — —
The ‘after’ part was always the worst.
Neither of them were ones to spend the nights with each other, no matter how exhausted they were after such events.
Even usually rolled over and fell asleep right after, after cleaning up, of course. This way, Isak could sneak out without having to make small talk in the process of leaving. He could just exit, ignore what just happened all week, and then come back the next weekend. A vicious, dangerous, exciting, enjoyable cycle.
But for some reason, Even stayed awake as he wrapped himself up under the covers. Isak grabbed his boxers and slipped them on, sitting on the edge of the bed. He sat there for a few minutes, hoping it was long enough for Even to doze off. But when he looked behind at the older boy, he was still awake, staring at the ceiling.
“You can stay, you know,” Even’s croaky and tired voice broke the silence between them. Isak sucked in a breath.
“No, I have classes early in the morning, It’s better if I go home to get a good night’s sleep.” Isak was lying and Even knew it. Even knew he had trouble with sleeping, so this bullshit lie wasn’t going to convince him.
But if he stayed, he knew it would mess up everything they had. It would tear down the walls Isak has built around his heart. He would get attached too easily and too quickly; he would get hurt in the end.
Isak had no other choice but to start getting dressed. He searched blindly for his shirt, hoodie, and pants. Soon he was fully dressed and had his hand on the doorknob. He turned back to Even.
Even barely had his eyes open, his gaze on Isak. “See you later, Valtersen.”
Isak smiled and waved, and then he was out the door and gone.
— — —
Isak didn’t want to wake up the next morning and have to go to school. He would stay in his bed forever if he could, but he couldn’t. Laws and shit.
He got up and told himself that the reason his legs were hurting was because of the walk home. Even didn’t offer him a ride; not like he would take it, anyway. Walk of shame, as they say.
His clothes were scattered around his room due to him quickly getting undressed and knocking out last night, tired of walking and sort of drunk out of his mind. Probably high, too.
He noticed an item of clothing that he didn’t own next to his discarded shirt. Isak rolled his eyes as he identified it as Even’s grey hoodie that he must of slipped on in the dark of the third year’s room. He was wearing a hoodie similar to it, so even when he was outside and there was some sort of light, he wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference—of course, his intoxicated mind was also a factor.
He didn’t want to see Even. He really didn’t. He hated it when he glanced at Even in the hallways, nonetheless going out of his way to return something that served as a reminder of the thing they’d both like to forget until the next week.
However, Isak has always wanted to wear a boyfriend’s hoodie.
Boyfriend. Isak internally laughed at himself and shook his head. They weren’t boyfriends. Never have been, and probably never will be, considering Even liked to hook up with people other than Isak.
He put the hoodie in his bag and started to get ready, fixing his hair to look semi-decent before giving up and putting on a snapback. He wore a white sweater with a red jacket over it and a matching scarf.
He grabbed his bag and walked out, noticing the clock that told him he was already late for class.
Eskild and Linn sat at the kitchen table, while Noora cooked in front of the stove. They all greeted him with tired hums and quiet ‘good morning’s.
The kitchen counter was a mess of beer cans and wine bottles. The living room was even worse; fallen streamers on the couch and a very questionable puddle of liquid in the center of the room. Even more cans and bottles lined the coffee table and a broken glass on the floor. At least he knew where the liquid came from.
“Finally joining us for Saturday breakfast?” Eskild asked with a smile as Noora sat a plate down on the table, sitting next to Linn. Isak grinned as he noticed a tiny red circle mark on Noora’s jawline. He then shook his head as he realized what Eskild asked.
“What?” he furrowed his eyebrows as he remembered what day it was.
“Well, why else are you up this early?”
Isak turned and bumped his head onto his bedroom door, a small ‘fuck’ whispered under his breath.
“You thought it was-“
“Yep.” Isak interrupted Linn and went back to his room, slamming the door and falling face-first onto his bed.
— — —
Isak did join them for breakfast, though, after he changed back into his house clothes. Noora was a good cook, and as much as he denied it, he enjoyed all of their company. Linn was quite funny when she wanted to be, and Eskild wasn’t as touchy and inappropriate as Isak used to think he was. He had always liked Noora.
Up close, he noticed two or three more hickeys on her collarbone, almost invisible but still there. He wanted to ask her about it, but Eskild beat him to it. She acted like she didn’t know what he was talking about, but still blushed bright red when he first mentioned it. The other three had small smirks on their faces as she tried to come up with excuses.
Isak was laughing and talking when he felt a vibration in his pocket. No one noticed as he pulled out his phone under the table and checked what the notification was.
even n.: [Attachment: 1 Image]
even n.: if you can steal my clothes, i can steal yours.
The picture was a mirror selfie of Even wearing Isak’s forgotten hoodie. It was a little too small, the fabric hugging his arms and stomach. Isak smiled at Even’s dorky yet charming smile that was slightly hidden behind the phone.
“What are you smiling at?” Eskild asked, propping his elbows on the table and looking at Isak with a smirk. Isak tried to put his phone away, but Eskild grabbed it before he could.
“Who’s this?” Eskild inspected the picture and Linn leaned over to see what he was talking about. Eskild showed her and Isak’s face turned red, similar to Noora’s face earlier.
The entire table was looking at the picture of Even that was only meant for his eyes. “He’s cute!” Linn and Noora nodded in agreement at Eskild’s statement.
“What’s his name?” Linn asked.
“Even, he was at the party last night,” Eskild answered for him. Isak tried lunging for his phone, but was only out of reach by a few centimeters because of Eskild. “I never knew he was gay.”
“He’s pansexual, actually,” Linn and Eskild’s faces lit up at the statement. “And why would you even think he’s gay?”
“Because he’s wearing your hoodie?” Linn pointed out. “Boyfriends usually do that, you know.”
“Oh my god, you have a boyfriend?” Eskild dramatically gasped. “Before me?”
“No, he’s not my boyfriend. I left my hoodie at his place last night. I went over because the party was boring and I just wanted to hang out. That’s all.” Isak huffed and sat down, crossing his arms over his chest like a child. Technically, he wasn’t lying. The party was boring, so he went to Even’s. And he did grab Even’s hoodie instead of his own. He just left out the “he-put-his-dick-in-my-ass” part.
Isak grabbed his phone successfully, locking it and putting it in his pocket.
“Well, if you’re not dating him, can I?” Eskild asked, looking up at Isak with pleading eyes.
“Never.” Isak put his plate on the kitchen counter and walked to his room, closing the door and pressing his back against it. The thought of Eskild and Even dating made him feel uncomfortable.
Even was his secret. And he’d like to keep it that way.
— — —
Time passed quickly, and soon enough it was 19:00. He was bored and did pretty much nothing all day, besides study a bit for his final exam coming up. He gave up halfway through, though; he studied better with his bio partner, Sana.
He and Sana became friends a couple months ago when they were forced to be partners for bio class. They stuck together afterwards, no matter how many times they tried to deny that they actually liked each other. Sana had a soft side that she didn’t show very often; Isak has been charmed since.
They usually study together for big tests like this, but today she was busy. He asked if they could meet tomorrow, but she was busy that day, too.
Isak laid on his bed, staring up at the ceiling while flipping his phone on his chest over and over, bored out of his mind. He glanced down at his bag that was sitting open, the cloth of Even’s hoodie sticking out.
Isak bit his lip as he debated internally. It was a Saturday night, he had nothing to do, he didn’t feel like interacting with his flatmates, he didn’t feel like cooking...
He unlocked his phone and opened his most recent message chat.
isak: you free right now?
even n.: oh, now you text.
even n.: when you’re horny.
even n.: i see.
Isak rolled his eyes but still smiled. He had forgotten to text Even back this morning, so he had the right to be a little annoyed.
isak: that’s not what i texted for
isak: do you want your hoodie back or not
even n.: you come here or...?
isak: you wanna get something?
isak: dinner?
even n.: are you asking me out on a date, valtersen?
Isak blushed and bit his lip again. He didn’t know why he had asked that. He was hungry and he knew he had no food in the kitchen for him. Besides, who would say no to dinner?
Apparently Even would, considering his response.
even n.: i’ll take that as a yes
even n.: but sorry, i have plans
isak: that’s fine
even n.: aww, don’t be sad babe :(
even n.: just give it to me on monday
isak: i’m not sad
isak: don’t call me babe
isak: and i’ll see you on monday
isak: i guess
— — —
Isak was currently struggling to shove his books in his locker, using his entire upper body strength to push. It didn’t work, though; his books fell to the floor pathetically. He hung his back and groaned, rubbing a hand over his face, frustrated.
When he got back over from bending down to pick them up, Even was leaning against the lockers.
“Hey,” he said, looking down at the books in Isak’s hands. Even smiled. “Having trouble?”
“What does it look like to you?” Isak sighed. He was trying to cover his shock; they had never really talked outside of the bedroom, unless they were around mutual friends, so Even approaching him out of the blue was a bit surprising.
“Okay,” Even put his hands up in mock defense, “no need to be rude.”
“Sorry, everything’s a bit...” Isak trailed off, focusing on closing his locker, “frustrating right now.”
“We don’t have to talk. I’m just here to get my hoodie.”
“Yeah, okay. It’s in my bag, on the top, just grab it,” Isak said.
Even bent down and grabbed it, throwing it over his shoulder.
As Isak finally got all of his books packed into the compartment, he had hoped Even would just leave, but he didn’t. He watched Isak groan and shove.
“Do you want to go to lunch somewhere?” Even asked after Isak had successfully closed his locker.
“Today?” Isak grabbed his bag from the floor. “We have that thing today, remember? Noora’s birthday lunch?”
Even nodded like he was just hearing about it. “Oh, yeah, okay. I’ll see you then.”
Even’s shoulder brushed against Isak’s as he walked away, and he turned and said, “See you later, Valtersen.”
— — —
The group clapped and cheered as Noora blew out the candles, a wide smile on her face. She looked at everyone around her, identical expressions all around.
“This is very childish,” Sana commented to Isak. They both watched as Eskild gave her a large bag that they assumed contained presents from everyone.
“No, Sana, you’re just too mature for your own good,” Isak smiled over at her, who just looked at him with her eyebrows raised. “I’m right, you know.”
“No, you’re not. You’re never right,” Sana smirked when Isak playfully scoffed.
Noora opened her presents one by one, thanking the people around her for each. Isak smiled at his flatmate’s happiness; smiles complimented her.
He was distracted, though, when a familiar face walked in behind her, his hands in his pockets.
They all greeted Even, some of them getting up from their seats and giving him hugs. Sana and Isak stayed back, watching the attention be diverted from Noora to Even for a few minutes.
“Hello,” he said, separating himself from the group and moving over to where Isak and Sana sat.
They both smiled up at him, Isak obviously more flustered than Sana was. They chatted while everyone sat back down, watching Noora continue to open her gifts.
Isak tried his best to keep calm, but every few seconds he had to fight the strongest urge to look over at Even, who was just sitting there, doing absolutely nothing, yet Isak was almost completely fascinated with just his mere presence.
Once she was done opening gifts, everyone went back to their own separate conversations.
The entire rest of the afternoon, there was an indescribable tension between Even and Isak, even if no one around them noticed. They kept stealing glances, or smirking at each other from across the table. There was something about them being surrounded by their friends and none of them knowing that they were closer than any of them could guess that excited Isak, made him squirm in his seat when he noticed Even staring at him out of the corner of his eye.
Not like they had really anything, Isak kept having to remind himself. It was nice in the moments they had weekly, but once they were out of those lustful states, they were back to just friends who barely even touched each other anymore. He had to get out of the mindset that maybe there was something more between them. He had to remind himself that the way Even holds him and the way he makes sure he’s okay and isn’t overwhelmed doesn’t mean anything to either of them.
Isak was just deprived of basic human affection, that’s all. Something that Even could be doing out of just basic instinct was something so special and personal to Isak. Even could simply smile at Isak and Isak would get flustered and think it meant something so much more than just being polite. He was defected and he blew everything out of proportion.
Soon, everyone was gathering their things and saying goodbye. Isak was just about to walk out with Sana, but Noora pulled him back by his sleeve.
“So?” She whisper-yelled, staring up at Isak. He furrowed his eyebrows.
“What?” He said, confused.
“Oh my god, you’re an idiot.” Before Isak could retaliate, she continued, “Do you really think I don’t know about you and Even?”
“What? Are you out of your mind? There’s nothing between me and Even!” He protested.
“Oh, come on, Isak, I’m not stupid. I see the way he looks at you and the way you look at him. You do it a lot more often than you think.”
Isak stared at her, but her expression never faltered. She was sure of her accusation and she was right.
“There’s nothing between us, Noora,” he lied.
He glanced over to where Even was sitting, only to see him talking to the waitress, who had sat down next to Even. She looked young, like she was their age or just a year above them. She had her hand on his forearm as he spoke. They were deep in conversation, it seemed, and Isak recognized the look on Even’s face. That face meant he was interested, that face meant he liked her, that face meant he wanted to take her home.
He tore his eyes away from the scene when she and Even stood up. She gestured behind her and she left him.
He walked over to the pair, who stayed silent. “I’m taking her out tonight.” He shrugged like it was no big deal.
“Where to?” Noora asked politely.
“Just for dinner. Maybe a movie, we’ll see,” Even smiled at the blonde.
Isak never knew Even “took people out.” He had always seen Even hook up at parties, and they were just that: hook ups. He always thought that he treated everyone like he treated Isak, did what they came to do and then left. He never knew that there were dinners or movies. A part of him saddened, but he smiled nonetheless.
“Well, Noora, this was fun,” he placed his hand on her shoulder. “Happy birthday, and I’ll see you back at the flat, yeah?”
She looked at him weirdly but nodded. “And goodbye, Even.” He nodded towards the taller boy.
He walked out of the door, his smile falling and his face turning blank, his happy mood from just a few minutes before fading.
— — —
It was deja vu from last Friday when Isak felt the music vibrating his rib cage and all but forcing him to move around.
He stood with his back against the wall, nursing his drink, observing the drunk and dancing people in the middle of the room.
Tonight was almost identical to last Friday, except this time Chris wasn’t entertaining Isak, and Isak tried his best to not pay attention to Even, who was standing across the room, staring at him.
They hadn’t talked much during the week. Not like they would anyway, but they barely even acknowledged each other in the halls. There was a negative tension between them, like they had just grown apart in the span of a week.
So now, on this Friday night, Even was sipping drink after drink and eyeing Isak. Isak wanted to look away, but the way he could tell what Even was thinking from that far shamefully excited him.
He eventually looked away and noticed Chris pushing Eva against the wall, her arms wrapped around his neck. Opposite from the pair stood Noora, a look on her face that told him she was not pleased at the moment.
A buzz in his pocket distracted him and he pulled out his phone.
even n.: bored?
Isak looked up to see Even’s faraway face lit up by his phone screen, looking at Isak. Isak rolled his eyes and typed out a response.
isak: what makes you think that?
even n.: you seem bored.
even n.: besides, i think i know something that could entertain you for a little while, if you’re up for it.
Isak sipped his drink and contemplated Even’s offer. A small part of him wanted to go with Even, relish in the predictability of their weekly affairs, be held by Even once more, but he morally didn’t want to. He didn’t think it was fair for Even to ignore him all week, sleep with god knows how many people other than him, and pretend they were alright and he could just use Isak for his own pleasure.
Then again, that’s what Isak signed up for.
isak: i’m in.
— — —
The car ride was close to silent, save the noise coming from the radio. Even hadn’t said anything to Isak when they left, he just grabbed his hand and guided him out of the party.
Isak was slowly coming to regret his choice to go with Even. He was realizing how dumb he was to take the offer, and that led to him regretting the start of this entire situation.
When they first met, Isak knew he was falling for Even and falling hard. They were touchy and playful, always had an arm wrapped around the other and hugged when they said goodbye. They even sometimes kissed each other’s cheek as a greeting or a farewell. Their friends teased them for it, but they didn’t care; they just had that kind of friendship.
Isak reveled in the touches Even gave him, even if he knew it was against the unspoken rules of touchy friendships. He wasn’t supposed to catch feelings for someone that gives him minimal physical attention.
One night, they got drunk and Isak woke up the next morning next to a nude Even. And then it happened the next weekend. And suddenly they weren’t drunk anymore. They dragged each other off into bathrooms or empty bedrooms at parties and had moments together, and Isak let Even touch him where no one else has touched him. They made each other feel good, so what was so wrong about it?
But, as Isak’s hopes started to rise after their first sober encounter, it all came crashing down when he saw Even with someone else a few days later. Even asked the following weekend if what they had could be exclusively sex, and Isak, not wanting to lose the sliver of Even he had left, agreed, and let his hopes crash and burn every week when he saw Even with someone different. He was a player, and Isak wasn’t going to change his lifestyle, right? So Isak had no say in what Even did, even though he so desperately wanted to keep Even to himself.
They stopped showing physical affection to each other as well, which hurt Isak more than he’d like to admit. Ever since their agreement, they only shared head nods and standard greetings, opposed to their usual hugs and cheek kisses. All of their need for physical contact was absorbed over the weekend, so once the week rolled back around, they were exhausted of it. Well, Even was.
Isak felt something grow in him, a feeling that had only grew stronger since their entire relationship had happened. Not wanting that to ruin anything, the only solution Isak could come up with was to suppress those feelings and ignore any sign of “something more” between them, ignore the times he catches Even staring from across the room, ignore the compliments and the praises. He had to, or he’d get hurt.
Isak was doing this to himself, he knew that, but as the car drove closer to Even’s apartment, he felt regret start to settle in his stomach.
— — —
The thing about Even was that he wasn’t one to do a lot of foreplay. He got straight to the point, and this aspect of him didn’t falter tonight, because as soon as Isak stepped through the familiar threshold of Even’s apartment, he was pushed against the wall, lips attached to his neck and his jacket was being pushed off.
Even was already sliding his hands up Isak’s shirt, and they weren’t even anywhere comfortable. Isak tried to close his eyes and find something pleasurable about the situation at hand, but he couldn’t help but be aware of everything. The feather-like touches moving under his shirt and across his back felt so sudden, so present, so there. He hadn’t felt anything like it. It was overwhelming, and it wasn’t the good kind of overwhelming. It was like he didn’t want to be touched.
He didn’t want to be touched.
Stop touching me.
“Even,” Isak tried to say with a steady voice, but it came out as a whimper, and he knew Even was used to Isak saying his name like that. He continued, pressing his hands against the cold of Isak’s back, and Isak once again felt overwhelmed.
“Even,” he said again, this time a bit more serious. Even pulled away.
“What?” He asked, and Isak tried to make it seem like he wasn’t taken aback by Even’s poorly hidden annoyance.
“I want to go home,” Isak said, pulling his shirt back down from where Even pushed it up.
“Okay,” Even nodded, but after a few seconds, he said, “What happened?”
“I just... I want to go home. I’m not in the mood anymore.”
“But was it something I did? If it was something I did, I didn’t mean to hurt you in any way, truly.”
Isak felt himself melt a little from Even’s kindness, but he reminded himself that this entire thing was toxic. At the end of the day, he was hurting himself. He had to get out of this.
“It wasn’t anything you did,” Isak assured him, “I just want to go home.”
Even nodded but still seemed unconvinced.
“But that’s not all,” Isak continued. Even raised an eyebrow. “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
“Do what?” Even asked, confused.
“This,” Isak gestured between the two of them, who had a good bit of distance between them ever since Isak moved away, “It was a mistake ever starting it.”
“What are you saying? You want to end this?”
“Yes. It’s toxic and messy and it’s not fun.”
“Not fun? How is this not fun?” Even laughed, but Isak could tell he was hiding an underlying feeling behind that smile.
“You’re hurting me but not in the way you think. It’s getting too much, and I just can’t do it anymore.“
“In what way? I think I’m owed an explanation here, we’ve done this for months. You can’t just leave like that.”
“You want to know why? Do you really want to know why, Even?” Isak felt like his face was on fire; something had shifted and he didn’t like it. How he wished he could go back in time and keep his mouth shut and go along with everything and pretend he wasn’t dying inside.
He was in too deep now, though, so he sighed and continued. “It’s because I like you, Even. I fucking like you—hell, maybe even love you—and it fucking kills me that you’ll never feel the same way. Do you think it’s easy for me to see you with someone different every week? It’s not fun. And god, Even, I thought I was the only one, but I was just another fucking person on your long list, wasn’t I? Another check off the bucket list, hmm?”
Even had a blank expression as he looked down at the ground. “I didn’t know you liked me.”
Isak laughed bitterly. “Well, now you know. I can’t keep doing this, Even, I just can’t. It’s hurting me, and I know I brought it upon myself, but this is just a fucking... god, it’s just a coping mechanism at this point. I anticipate these nights where I can be with you, and I’m such a fucking idiot for thinking that there was ever anything there.” Isak shook his head and started to feel tears well up in his eyes. “Because there wasn’t ever anything. You don’t like me and I realize that now, even after months of being in denial, I realize that you’ll never see me more than a friend. A fuck buddy. So that’s why I’m going home right now instead of staying here. Is that a good enough explanation for you?”
Even didn’t say anything. His eyes were saddened when he looked back up at Isak, and Isak almost fell for that again, almost walked over and hugged him and apologized and told him what he said wasn’t true, but words were already spilling out his mouth. “So, goodnight, Even.”
Isak slammed the door behind him and willed himself not to go back in and fall into Even’s arms again.
He stormed down the steps, tears falling down his cheeks that he quickly wiped away, covering his hand with his sleeve to wipe his nose.
God, he was so stupid . Why did he let it go on for so long? Why did he enjoy hurting himself this way?
He wrapped his arms around himself and shivered. He didn’t bring a jacket. And fuck, Even still has it.
Isak almost used it as an excuse to turn around and go back. That way he could kiss Even and feel his lips against his own, could feel the soft skin under his fingertips when he brushed his hand over Even’s cheek, but he would get looped back into Even. Even was a sweet, delicious drug and Isak was addicted.
Another chill ran down his spine and he shuddered against the cold in fucking April. Why the fuck is it cold in April?
The wind was whipping his cheeks and filling his ears with noise, so he almost didn’t hear his name being called behind him.
He turned to see Even running towards him, an article of clothing in his hand.
Isak stopped and waited for Even to catch up, even if he knew nothing good was going to come out of this.
“Your jacket, I forgot to give it to you the other day,” Even handed the jacket to Isak and he sounded out of breath.
Isak took it and whispered a thank you, and he took one glance at Even and he turned, walking in the direction he was going.
“You know, what you said back there was really unfair,” Even said, making Isak stop in his tracks and turn back around to face him.
There was a distance between them, but Isak was sure his built up anger could be heard from where he was standing. “What?”
“You said that what we were doing was hurting you,” Even took a step closer, “but it was hurting me, too, Isak.”
Isak scoffed and shook his head. “Well it sure didn’t fucking seem like it was hurting you.”
“You can’t fucking say that! You didn’t seem to be hurting either! That’s so fucking unfair to label what I feel!” Even was starting to sound angry, too, Isak noticed.
“But how the fuck was I hurting you? I’m the one in love with you, you fucking idiot!” Isak yelled back, even though the gap between them was growing smaller. “You were fucking all these people other than me and it hurt me a hell of a lot more than it hurt you, trust me on that, Even.”
“That’s the thing, you’re the idiot here, too!” Even opened his mouth to say something, but closed it and instead sighed.
“Fucking say it, Even. Tell me why I’m the idiot.”
Even was now standing only a few feet away from Isak. “Because you weren’t the only one in love.”
And damn, those words knocked the breath out of Isak. He could barely even say anything, nonetheless something that can merely sound like a complete sentence.
“Huh?” was all he could muster.
Even walked up to Isak and cupped his face in his hands, stunning Isak and making him motionless, staring back into Even’s deep blue eyes. “I’m in fucking love with you, Isak Valtersen, how could you not see that?”
Even leaned it, but Isak came to his senses and pushed him away. “What the fuck, Even? Stop fucking with me!”
“I’m not fucking with you,” Even said, his voice calm and soft, opposed to his earlier tone. “I’m really in love with you.”
“Yeah? Then why did you sleep with all of those people, then, huh? You don’t hurt people you’re in love with.” Isak crossed his arms over his chest and waited for Even to explain himself, tapping his foot impatiently on the ground.
“Because I was stupid. I never thought you’d like me back, so I slept with other people to try and convince myself that I didn’t like you as much as I do, because I really do, Isak. But every time you saw me with someone else, you’d become distant, and I’m an idiot for not realizing that it was because of all of those other people. And I’m sorry, I’ll forever be sorry because the last thing I want is to hurt you. I want to love you, I want to hold you, I want you to stay , Isak, for once, instead of running away. And I know it’s my fault, but...” Even trailed off. “Please forgive me for being an asshole to you.”
Isak stood there, speechless. What was he supposed to say that? The doubtful, pessimistic part of his mind was screaming at him, telling him Even didn’t love him like he said and this was all just a trick to get him back into his bed. But Isak has been crushing on this guy forever. Couldn’t he let himself indulge in this moment, even though it might not even be true, what Even is saying?
Isak took a step closer to Even, who was looking at him, exasperated. He put his cold hands on Even’s freezing face, and he almost smiled at the tip of his nose dusted with red.
“Even,” Isak pressed his forehead against Even’s. “Look me in the eyes and tell me you’re not fucking with me.”
Even put his hands on Isak’s bent arms and looked into Isak’s emerald eyes. “I am not fucking with you.”
Isak grinned. “Good.”
They shivered for warmth, their bodies begging to find somewhere with a good enough temperature. But they stood on the sidewalk, foreheads pressed together and eyes closed, stubborn enough to stand in the cold anyways.
Isak leaned in and kissed Even, finally, after minutes of waiting and anticipating. Even happily kissed back, moving his hands to Isak’s sides.
“No more fucking around,” Isak whispered once they pulled away from each other. Even nodded his head in agreement. “This is the real deal, okay? No more friends with benefits bullshit.”
“Okay,” Even whispered back and kissed him chastely.
He grabbed Isak’s hand and started walking back towards his apartment building.
And yeah, this may all be a trick. Even might not actually be in love with him, and this was all a prank or some shit to embarrass Isak. But the way Even squeezed Isak’s hand in his own, the way Even kissed him with more passion than eagerness compared to their other kisses in the past, that made Isak think that maybe this was real, and not just fucking around. They were in love with each other, and not just fucking around anymore.