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Tsukishima and I were on the way to Tokyo when the message beeped across my phone. He was sat next to me staring out the window. I was laying on his shoulder, trying my best to calm my nerves from being around so many people. The chime of the phone startled me from my relaxed state, and I brought it up to my face.
“Shouyou texted me,” I said quietly.
“Weren’t he and King going to the prison to see their dads?” Tsukki asks.
“Yeah they were,” I said.
“You should probably check what it is then,” He mumbles. His chin is rested in his hand and he is staring out the window. He has his headphones on, but I know he has them only playing quietly in case I decide to talk to him.
“Aww,” I say,” Does Tsukki actually care?”
“Shut up Tadashi,” He says, but his eyes show a glimmer of amusement.
“Sorry Tsukki,” I say, but I can feel myself still smiling.
Shouyou has added You, Kageyama Tobio, Kunimi Akira, Tendou Satori, Shirabu Kenjirou, Goshiki Tsutomu, Yaku Morisuke, and Akaashi Keiji to a group chat.
Shouyou: This is Hinata Shouyou from Karasuno High School. If you have burning questions about your past that you need answered, come to Tokyo on Sunday. Kenma and Kuroo’s place. If you can’t or don’t want to that’s fine, it’s your choice. But if you have any desire to have answers, I have some.
I feel my entire body freeze upon seeing the chat. I sit up ramrod straight. I didn't want this. I didn't want these memories to come back. Flashes of my life before Tsukki saved me. And my reaction is large enough that it startles Tsukki into taking off his headphones.
“Dashi?” he asks. “Tadashi what’s wrong? Are they hurt?”
I shake my head. And then I point the screen in his direction. I hear Tsukishima let in a breath.
“What makes you think that its what you think it is?” He asks quietly. I know he can already tell what I think it is about. He can feel the emotional struggle I am currently having over the bond.
“It’s just a feeling I have, alright.” I say quietly,” We all have our suspicions about what Hinata and Kageyama’s dads did and now, the day they go to see them, they send a mass group text mentioning ‘pasts’. I feel like the fact I was added into it wasn’t coincidental at all.”
I feel my mind returning me to that place. The exact place I left and never wanted to return to.
YOU DESERVE IT!!!
Stop it.
YOU DESERVE IT!!!
Stop it!
YOU FUCKING DESERVED IT!!!
“STOP IT.” I hear my voice ricochet off the walls of the train car. Everyone stops to look at me. Some are concerned, and some look just plain annoyed.
I feel Tsukishima grab me and drag me off at the next stop.
“Tsukki wait this isn’t our stop,” I say trying to stop him from pulling us both off the train.
“Would you rather sit there and have everyone stare at you, because I know that makes you uncomfortable,” Tsukki says.
I feel my heart leap at the fact that he did something like that for me. The panic I had had before briefly being pushed down. I feel Tsukki drag us to an empty area of the train station. A place where we could still see the trains coming and going. But a place free from prying eyes.
“I know you might not want to hear my opinion in the matter, but I think you should go.” Tsukishima says. He’s not staring at me but instead at the people fluttering around us. And I found myself being thankful for his standoffish persona. It meant I didn’t have another set of eyes staring at me.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because you've repressed shit,” He says. He’s toeing at the ground,” You’ve refused all therapy and offers to talk about what happened to you. Hell, I still don’t fully know what happened. All I’m saying is maybe its time to start remembering.”
"I can't remember everything," I respond back," Its just bits and peices. And sometimes I can recall it from the nightmares I've had."
"Then talk about what you can remember," Tsukki responds," The rest will follow. You just need to talk."
“I don’t even know where to start,” I say quietly,” It’s not something I can do in the middle of a crowded train station.”
“Yeah well you won’t do it in a cushy office either,” He responds. “At least I am here if you need it. It’s okay to remember trauma.”
I feel my hands clench into fists. I can feel the nails digging into my palms.
“Stop that. It hurts.” Tsukki says. And I immediately relax my hands.
“I don’t know where to start,” I say quietly.
“Where all stories start,” Tsukki responds. “From the beginning.”
“Well it started when I was six,” I said, and I winced remembering the night that it all started.
My father had gotten home late from work. He worked as a bartender. That night he had a man along with him. Money had exchanged hands and the man had grabbed me by the hair and dragged me to the bedroom. I hadn’t know what was going on except suddenly I was on my knees and there was a dick in my face. My blood running cold as the man bent next to my ear and told me to be a good boy.
My mouth was forced open and the man used it as much as he pleased for the next hour before slapping my ass and leaving.
“They only used my mouth the first time,” I said quietly. My heart still hammering in my chest. Part of me was still in disbelief that we were doing this in the middle of the train station. But somehow it felt more natural than it ever had before to do it in this moment.
I still felt the weight of his dick in my mouth even to this day. The texture and how my throat felt when he came. The taste. The smell.
“I hated it,” I said burying my head into my knees. Tears ran down my face as I remembered all the times that those men came back.
I remembered the first time I was sexually penetrated. It happened when I was seven. Again, my father came home from work with someone in tow.
“Tadashi take this man to your room please,” My father said.
I followed orders without talking, and when I got there, I had fallen to my knees ready for my mouth to be used yet again, only to have my face shoved into the carpet. I had felt a scream rip its way out of my throat. But I was in so much pain that I think the scream was too loud for my throat to even make a noise. Blood had trickled down my thighs.
“God,” The man had said,” Your dad is a saint for letting people have a taste off you. Do you know how much I had to pay for your virginity?”
My body started shaking as I recollected back to that day and I felt tears streaming down my cheeks as Tsukki put his arm around me.
“They put a price on my virginity,” I sobbed,” They put a price on it. And then the next day when I asked why. My father said I deserved it.”
YOU DESERVE IT!!!
I threw my hands over my ears trying to block out the noise. That awful fucking noise. Then suddenly I felt a wave of calm pushing across the bond.
“I’m right here Dashi,” Tsukishima says. I feel him grab my hand and lace our fingers together. “I’ve always been right here.”
I felt myself relax a bit.
“The happiest moment in my life was when I met you,” I said quietly. I watch as Tsukki’s eyes grow wide. “But my mom told me I didn’t deserve a soulmate. She said I didn’t deserve someone like you.”
I remembered trying my absolute hardest to just stay away from him. Because who would want someone tainted like me.
“Sometimes I think you deserve better,” I say. And I can feel the disagreement on his side of the bond, but I can tell that he won’t interrupt. Tsukki lets me speak. He knows that I need to have this moment. Afterall he was the one that told me to have it.
And maybe it was the fact that I was tired of the nightmares. Maybe I was tired of being pushed around by demons that didn’t even exist in my life anymore. I was tired of being a slave to my anxieties. But for some reason in the middle of this dirty train station corner I was pouring everything that was stuck in my heart for the longest time out into the open air.
But being ready to finally talk make it no easier to actually do so.
“They were customers,” I said,” All of them, my parents sold me to them. I was nothing to my parents. I meant nothing to them. The day that you saved me from those bullies was the first time anyone had ever showed me that they care.”
I watch as Tsukki finally makes eye contact with me.
I felt warmth fill my heart as I remembered the night that he had saved my life from the hell that it had become.
I had disobeyed my parents by being around Tsukki. Despite them telling me they would kill me if they had seen me doing it again. I had stayed because I had found my heart couldn’t handle being away from him. And that particular day our bond finally snapped into place. I had gone home nervously; I hadn’t wanted to go. I knew they were going to hurt me. I deserved the pain. Tsukki didn’t. And for the first time that night, I had fought against it.
My parents had been livid. My father had brought his fist up again and again. His knuckles connecting with my face every single time. Eventually that had stopped and then there was excruciating pain in my lower back.
I deserve it.
I deserve it.
I deserve it.
Tsukki burst in with the cops 40 minutes into my torture. The look on his face had been so expressive that I knew exactly what he was thinking.
Now as we sat in this dirty corner of this random station, I feel Tsukki wrap his arms around me again just like he had that night. He held me in his arms.
I felt tears fall down my face as we embrace. Tears because it seems no matter how hard I run from everything that has happened to me, I’ve never been able to escape it.
“I’m going to go,” I said.
“Yeah,” Tsukki says before smiling,” You know the dumbasses could have just asked us today. We were going up there to see them anyways.”
I heard Tsukki’s phone go off, and he pulls it out before groaning.
“Goddamnit,” hey says,” Of fucking course Kuroo would pull something like this.”
He flips the screen so I could see it.
Kuroo Tetsuro has added You, Iwaizumi Hajime, Oikawa Tooru, Kozume Kenma, Ushijima Wakatoshi, Kindaichi Yuutarou, Semi Eita, Lev Haiba, and Bokuto Koutarou to a group chat.
Kuroo Tetsuro: I am sure all of you know by now that Shouyou has invited your respective soulmates to a meeting at our apartment on Sunday. All of you guys are invited to Tokyo as well. Kenma and I are renting some rooms to party in!!!
Kenma Kozume: We are NOT partying. We are talking.
Kuroo Tetsuro: Regardless, and in all seriousness, we encourage you to come. I have heard through the grapevine that some of you might not be on good terms with your soulmates right now. But if you care even a little about them, I highly recommend you come. The experience should prove to be eye opening.
“He sounds like he’s trying to help,” I say trying to defend the man.
“He sounds like his natural setting is annoying,” Tsukki responds, and I laugh.
“Come on,” I say standing up,” I hear the next train coming, we should start heading over before the freak duo starts blowing up our phones.”
As if to prove my point Tsukki’s phone starts beeping over and over again.
“Fucking Bokuto,” He says angrily.
I smile. But as we step on the train my thoughts can’t help but wander to the one question, I have asked myself more than anything else.
WHAT DO I DESERVE?