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Callum looks around his flat, noticing the pink walls and flowered wallpaper, cringing on the inside. That really needs to go. He thought to himself, his head tilting to the side as he imagined a different wallpaper. The sound of his buzzer breaks him from his thoughts, and he smiles to himself, happy that his boyfriend is for once on time.
“Hello?”
“Really Cal? You still answer this?” Callum laughs at the question before pressing the buzzer that allows entry into the flat. He listens intently as he hears the sound of footsteps, and before long the door opens and Callum suddenly forgets to breathe. He’s been dating Ben for a while now, but he still manages to knock the air from his lungs whenever he sets his eyes on him.
“You alright babe?” Ben asks as he places a soft kiss on boyfriends cheek, his small height meaning he has to stand on his toes to reach. Callum turns his head, looking directly at Ben, the eye contact intense and both men simply stare at each other, drinking in the beauty of one another.
“I’ll get us a drink shall I?” Ben says, first to break the contact, and Callum nods gently, before sitting down.
At the fridge Ben decides on a beer, taking one out for himself and Callum, before taking the lids off and heading back over to where Callum has rested himself.
“Here you go.” Smiling, Callum takes the drink, and Ben watches as he takes a sip, his eyes transfixed on the way it slides down his throat, his Adam’s apple moving slowly as he swallows.
“Ben?” His boyfriends voice breaks him from his spell. “Did you hear a word I said?”
“Sorry no, what did you say?”
“I want to redecorate.”
Bens eyebrows raise in surprise. You’ve been here for over a year, and now you wanna decorate? Ben thinks to himself.
“What are going for?”
Callum thinks for a minute. “I’m not sure I’m thinking maybe a bit of red?”
“Red?”
“Yeah like a darkish red, not too bright. I just want the pink gone. It’s driving me mad.” Ben laughs, mentally agreeing with the older mans statement. The decorating in here really is hideous. Whatever was he thinking.
“I can help?” The question is out of Bens mouth before he can think of what he’s offering.
He watches as his boyfriends eyes light up at his offer. “Really? You’re not too busy at the car lot?”
“I’m sure I can squeeze you in.” Callum smiles and before Ben has a second to register what happens, his boyfriend has launched himself into his arms, holding on tight.
Ben wraps his arms around Callum’s frame, sighing contently as he rests his head against his chest, the steady sound of his heart is music to his hears. Callum kisses his head gently, before looking down.
“We need to clear out first, before we do anything.”
“Oh I’m not sure I signed up for that.” Ben replies, looking up as he teases his partner.
“Oh come on? It’s mainly under my bed that needs tidied, I swear I just shove everything under there, and you’re small so you can easily fit better.”
Ben let’s go of Callum, a fake expression of hurt marring his features.
“Small?”
“Yeah, like those hobbit things in that film you like.” Callum answers, his tone light and teasing.
“Lord of The Rings.”
“Yeah that one. Should we start now?”
Ben sighs before nodding his head. “Since I’m here for the next few days why not.”
“Right, I’ll just go get the bags.”
Ben watches Callum walk to the kitchen, being sure to follow his arse as he does, before rolling his eyes and making his way to the bedroom. He eyes the bed and leans down a little to look underneath. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” he says as he notes how many boxes there are. Ben leans down, his mind wandering back to Callum’s joke about being small and internally, he was angry. I’ll get him back, when he least expects it, he thinks to himself whilst rummaging around under the bed. He’s now sprawled on his stomach, completely flat on the floor as he tries to manoeuvre some of the boxes.
“Babe?”
Callum’s voice cause Ben to jump, hitting his head on the frame of the bed. “Fucking hell Cal, are you trying to kill me off?” He emerges and looks at Callum, who’s going red in the face from laughter.
“Sorry.”
“Yeah yeah, what did you want?”
“Oh, right.” Callum throws the bags at Ben, only just missing his head and earning a narrowing of eyes from his boyfriend. “Sorry, bin bags. I’m gonna make some lunch.”
“Let me guess, chicken pasta?”
Callum pauses in the door, his lips a thin line as he regards Ben and his sarcasm. “No, Ben, that’s dinner. This is lunch. Get to work hobbit.”
Ben groans and picks up a pillow, chucking it at Callum, smiling sweetly when it gets him square in the face. Laughing Callum leaves Ben to get on with it, he knows how much of a clean freak he can be, so he doesn’t want to disturb him.
It’s nearly two hours later, and after a brief lunch break, Ben has five or six boxes to get through. Callum gave up not long after lunch and retreated back to the living room, the TV the only sign that he’s in the flat.
Picking up a box, Ben notices how battered and old it looks. Lifting the lid gently, he peers inside, confusion settling on his features as he notices a beret, some photos and a bunch of letters. Picking up the navy beret Ben reads the name C. Kennedy. Who on earth is that? Ben thinks to himself. He picks up one of the letters, and against his better judgement, begins to read.
Vicky,
Dunno what I’d do without my H, to be fair. He’s been an absolute godsend. And I know I go on about him all the time and you’re probably sick to death of hearing about him by now. But seriously, had another moment last week where M and them lot were being bang out of order, and I would have packed it all in and gone AWOL if it weren’t for H. He always just knows the exact thing to say to make it feel better, and we have such a laugh.
It’s like he knows what I’m thinking all the time and the thing is he doesn’t even know how good he is. It’s like he expects the world to be as innocent and good as he is and being a nice person comes so natural to him. He’s a good mate. Well, more than a mate.
I’ll write soon, I promise. Give my love to mum.
Chris.
Ben feels his jaw lock, who the fuck is Chris?
Putting the letter back in the envelope he spots another one in the same cursive writing, this one labelled ‘Callum’. He takes it out, sitting on the bed, and begins to read.
My wonderful H,
I’m so glad I get the chance to write to you, it would be a lonely place if I couldn’t.
I’m sorry to hear you won’t be coming back, it’s not gonna be the same without you round here.
I miss you so much already and it’s barely been two weeks. I’m gonna miss our midnight chats, sneaking off and hiding behind the camp houses, just so we could get away. All
those times we laid together watching the sun come up, you’d tell me about your worries with your dad, and I’d tell you about mine with my mum. I reckon we don’t need them H, we would be fine without them if we ever did get together after this. I think about you all the time, hell even the lads are starting to ask for you and we both know what they could be like.
You’re a ray of sunshine in my life and I hope we can continue writing to each other, I’m not ready to give you up yet, even if you’re not here with me every day anymore.
You win I’ll forever hold my heart, I love you.
Always
Chris x
Ben felt the anger rise in his chest, and before he knew what he was doing he was in front of Callum.
“What the fuck is this?”
Callum’s expression changes immediately when he realises what Ben is holding, he stands immediately, his large framing towering over the smaller man.
“I-“
“Do you still write to him? Is the only reason you’re with me because you can’t be with him?” Ben could feel the anger rising more, and he knew his question was hurtful, but he couldn’t stop himself. “Do you plan on ‘getting together’ when he’s out? He uses his fingers to make an emphasis on getting together.
“Ben,” Callum responds, his head down.
“Answer me Callum!”
“No! I don’t!”
“Stop lying, why would you still have letters?”
“He’s dead.” Callum’s answer stops Ben in his tracks.
“Cal, I, I’m so sorry I didn't-“ Ben doesn’t get the chance to finish his sentence before Callum is walking away into the bedroom. He follows behind him, and watches him sit on the bed, taking the beret from the box and holding it tightly in his hands.
“Cal, I’m sorry, I didn’t know. I didn’t mean-“
“We met a week after I joined the army.” Callum cuts Ben off, a sad look present on his face as he remembers. Knowing Callum is about to open up, Ben takes a seat beside him, resting a hand gently on his leg.
“The first time I saw him I remember feeling this weird feeling, and I didn’t know what it was. I knew I liked it, but I didn’t know what to make of it. I’d never felt it before, but Chris knew. He must have. He was kind, gentle and just the most wonderful person to be bunked up with.” Callum smiles at the memory, tears forming in his eyes.
“We’d always be put on duty together and half the time we couldn’t take it serious. He was a joker that one. The world could have been ending and he’d have still managed to laugh about it. There was a few times he would tell me he didn’t wanna do it anymore. He didn’t want to be there, especially when some of the other guys started things. They used to spread rumours a lot, and it got to him. It got to both of us, but I’d try my hardest to be there for him. He used to write to Vicky, his sister, and for a while me too. He stopped not long after I left and I just assumed he’d got bored of talking to me.
Vicky came to see me one day, outta the blue. I didn’t have a clue who she was, I’d never met her and when she told me who she was I felt different. I just remember denying that the letters were about me. I wasn’t sure what she was there for, but when she told me he was gone I just couldn’t comprehend it. My world fell apart. I know we weren’t in a relationship or anything, I mean I didn’t even know what my feelings meant at the time. I went to the funeral and seen everyone I was in camp with, they all said we had a special kinda relationship, some probably thought something else was happening. I did give Vicky his beret but she gave me it back along with the letters he wrote to her about me. I cried for the longest time.” Callum puts his head in his hands, leaning forward so his elbows rest on his knees.
“He’s been dead now for nearly a year now and I just can’t bring myself to throw them away. These letters, this photo and his beret are all I have left off him. The memories in my mind won’t leave me, but to physically have something of his, I just can’t throw them out.”
Ben looks at his boyfriend, placing his hand gently on top of his.
“I’ll be back in a minute.” Ben says as he stands up and walks into the other bedroom.
Callum sits in confusion, wondering what Ben was doing, and instead of waiting, he stands and follows him. He finds Ben kneeling on the floor, lifting up a loose floor board he didn’t even know was there. He watches quietly as Ben pulls out a small box, no bigger than one you’d hold your jewellery.
“I can’t bare to throw Paul’s away either. I get it, and I’m so sorry I accused you. I shouldn’t have done that.”
Callum walks into the room and sits on the bed, feeling sceptical of Ben’s reaction since he knows this was Paul’s.
“It’s alright, it was justified. You didn’t know,” he whispers.
“No, it wasn’t. I should have asked first instead of just assuming. I’m sorry.” Ben closes his eyes as he feels Callum’s hand rest upon his cheek. The sentimental gesture melting his heart.
“You’ve never told me about him. Your Paul.”
Ben smiles softly at his boyfriends words, before settling himself beside Callum.
“He was... different. I didn’t want to accept I was gay, I mean my given who my dad is, you can probably understand why. I knew I was, obviously from when I slept with Lola, and it just felt wrong, but other than that I never really acted on them you know? He just appeared one day and I remember I couldn’t stop smiling round him, or laughing. We’d sneak off and share kisses whenever we got the chance, because I was too scared to tell anyone at first. I told Jay and Lola first. Sword them to secrecy.” Ben looks at Callum, their eyes connecting, piercing blue against ocean pools. “Things would hurt more than anything my dad ever said to me, it would be me telling myself all those things he did. Telling myself that I was dirty, that who I was, was wrong. I met Paul and suddenly I didn’t feel those things anymore. I felt alive. Wanted, and like I had found my place.
We were out one night, not long after I’d come out, we decided to celebrate, you know openly. It was a great night. God, was it a good night.” Ben wipes the tear that falls involuntarily down his cheek as he reminisces.
“We left the club and we were holding hands, then taking selfies and laughing about something stupid and four guys started following us, shouting, calling us faggots. Paul said I should just leave it, but I didn’t. Did I? I did what I do best, and started mouthing off. They attacked us, and Paul died. I didn’t cope for so long, and when the attackers pleaded guilty, I felt relief yeah, but I didn’t feel anything else. I was numb. I got his tattoo removed, figured if I didn’t see his name I would forget him. I was kidding myself though. ” Ben looks around the room, his eyes finally resting on the bed they were sitting on.
“We spent our first proper night in here. I miss him so much, probably as much as you miss your Chris.”
Callum looks down at the beret still in his hand.
“I wish he knew how much he meant to me before he did. I was too scared to tell Chris how I felt. He died without knowing I felt all those feelings he felt for me. I felt the same way he did, and he never knew.” Callum can’t stop the tears that fall, as Ben pulls him to his chest, lying them both down on the bed.
They cry for the longest time together, mourning their losses together, Ben gently stroking Callum’s hair and whispering words of comfort, whilst Callum rubs his fingers up and down Bens arm.
Callum speaks once they’ve both calmed down.
“I’ve got some frames lying around somewhere. Why don’t we take the photos out the boxes and display them? They were part of a lives, huge parts, and we should honour that.”
Ben nods, smiling at his boyfriend gently, his heart bursting with love.
Callum places a gentle kiss on Ben’s forehead and gets you, disappearing into the other room, Ben listening to him rummaging through the boxes he’d not long fixed. Before long he appears in the doorway, the picture of him and Chris in one hand, frames in the other. He watches as he gently places the photo inside the frame, before looking at Ben, silently asking his permission to touch the photo. Ben nods his approval, earning a toothy smile from the taller man as he proceeds to put the photo into the second frame.
Ben climbs off the bed and follows his boyfriend as he walks to the windowsill in the living room, placing a photo at each end. Chris and Callum smiling brightly at them in their army uniforms on the left, whilst Ben and Paul grinning cheekily at the camera on the right. In the middle sits a photo of Callum and Ben, a smile so wide on Callum’s face, whilst Ben is cuddled into him, mid laugh. Their eyes twinkle in the photo, the sun reflecting around them like an aura.
Callum wraps his arms around Ben, before leaning down to place a gentle kiss upon his lips, love and adoration shining so brightly in his eyes Ben could mistake it for the galaxy.
“I love you, Ben Mitchell, he mouths, earning another kiss from the younger man.
“I love you, Callum Highway,” Ben replies instantaneously.
At that moment, everything was right in the world. At least, it was in their world, and that was the only one that mattered.