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"Come on baby doll, put on the skirt for me and bend over.”
I am not a doll.
“God you look just like a porcelain doll baby.”
I am not a doll.
“Come on doll face, swing those hips.”
I don’t want to be a doll.
My entire life my body has always felt held up by puppet strings. I was nothing but a doll for men to use as their personal pleasure toy. I felt dirty and used. I felt disgusting. I was tired of being a doll. There was a time that I tried to stop being a doll.
I was 7 and I was tired of the strings that I felt on me, so I told my next-door neighbor who was my only friend at the time. Told her how I was tired of the pain. Told her how I wanted to stop being a puppet.
My friend and her family disappeared a week later, and my strings snapped me back into place. I was still a goddamn doll.
I have always looked older than other kids my age. I knew I had a pretty face. I fucking hated my pretty face. I hated how at night men would caress my face and call me a perfect little sex doll. I hated how their hands would move down my body and grope me in areas that I never wanted them to touch. I hated how I went along with it because I was too scared of someone else dying because of me.
I HATED THAT I WAS THEIR PUPPET.
By the age of 12 I knew how to pole dance. It was a request from many of the customers, a request to have me dance for them. My father owned a strip club; it was where he got his clients from. So, it was not hard for him to obtain a pole for me to learn on and a teacher.
My first teacher was kind, and she tried to help me in any way she could.
“You shouldn’t have to do this shit kid,” she said one night while she taught me the motions of moving around the pole,” Hell, I don’t even want to teach you this shit.”
“Why are you then?” I asked curiously. My voice was even my face blank.
“Because I am going to find a way to get you out of here,” She said smiling at me.
I couldn’t help the small smile I gave in return,” My name is Akaashi Keiji.”
“Just call me Yua,” she says still smiling at me.
A day later Yua was found dead outside the strip club. I was the only one who ever knew why she actually died. And suddenly I felt the strings holding me up wrap around my very heart as well.
I cried for Yua. The woman who would skip dinner just so I would be able to eat during our lesson. The woman who had tried to help me even though I knew she knew the dangers. The woman who was now dead because of me.
Never in my life had I felt dirtier.
Never in my life had I felt like more of a puppet.
I am just a doll.
Pole dancing was something I picked up easy after that much to my dismay. I was naturally flexible, and my form was perfect. I hated that this was something I was good at.
I would dance for the males who sat in the secret back room of the strip club. I would dance myself around the pole all while wearing heels that were much too high. Sometimes I hoped that midway through my grip would slip accidentally causing me to fall and break my neck. But still I managed to land it perfectly. Because at 12 years old I still held onto the faith that maybe I would get out of there and I certainly did not want to die as an underaged whore clinging to a pole. So, I would wish for death without ever getting it. Instead I would hand my routine perfectly before being thrown into a mass of guys who wanted my company for the night.
They would strip off my clothes and use my body as I see fit. In fact, it wasn’t even my body anymore. I felt like I didn’t even exist anymore. They thrust into the body of a person who wasn’t even alive anymore. I felt dead, I felt lifeless, I felt like a doll.
By my third year of middle school I looked old enough to work the front of the club. And my customers seemed to get even more exited by my body the more it filled out. My feet hurt constantly due to the heels that were always put on my feet. My back would ache.
No middle schooler should know the meaning of double penetration and yet I did.
No middle schooler should know the best way to swing your hips. Yet I did.
No middle schooler should have their father selling their body for money. And yet my father did.
I knew more about sex by my first year of high school than many of the kids there. And I hated it.
In my first year of high school my father wanted me to be more toned. He wanted my body firmer. He decided the best way to accomplish this was to have me join a club. I joined volleyball club my first year of high school, and when I walked through the doors the first time I came face to face with my soulmate.
Bokuto Koutarou.
His eyes were a beautiful gold that stunned me into silence and his hair was spiked up and was colored white with gray at the roots.
“Wow you are fucking beautiful,” He says speaking first. I have to withhold a smirk.
The man touches me, and I find that I can’t not trust this man physically. His eyes show no malice, only kindness. I watch as he laces together our fingers.
“You’re my soulmate,” he says quietly,” I can feel it when I look in your eyes.”
I feel his arms loop around me and pull me into a hug, and I fought a blush when I realized the entire gym was now watching us with wide eyes. Bokuto notices and quickly grabs my hand and yanks me outside.
Soon we were walking around school everyday with our hands clasped together. But yet I still felt the tug of the strings that held me back in life. I wanted nothing more than to be free, but every time a tiny piece of freedom was shown it was quickly yanked away.
I began to rebel; I began to pull against the strings that were holding me back by the end of my first year in high school. Suddenly for the first time in a long time I felt myself saying “no”.
My father didn’t like this.
One day while I was dancing and being forced to dance on some guys lap, I turned, and my eyes met gold. My mouth went dry as I stared into those wide and broken eyes. Next to him stood Kuroo and Kenma. All of them were in shock, and so was I. I looked over at my father only to see him watching with a smirk.
He did this on purpose.
I watched as Bokuto ran out with tears running down his face, Kuroo and Kenma running after him. I felt my heart sink in my chest, and I felt the strings that have been hold me my whole life being tugged harder. I quickly got off the guy’s lap intending to run after Bokuto and tell him the truth, but I was stopped by my father.
“You know if you tell him the truth, I’ll ensure his disappears just like the others,” I hear my father say,” In fact you should probably just let him go. Being around you will get him killed.”
I felt my heart constrict in my chest as I thought about losing Bokuto’s smiles and happiness completely from my life. I suddenly felt like I was drifting through the ocean. I was suddenly aware of how little control I actually had in my life to speak of. That night was brutal, punishment for stopping mid-way through the dance.
The next morning, I limped to school. I tried my best to hide it, but it still hurt.
Being around you will get him killed.
“I am sorry Bokuto-san,” I said quietly when I finally was able to get him alone.
“Just tell me one thing,” he says quietly,” Do you have sex with those guys? Are you cheating on me?”
You know if you tell him the truth, I’ll ensure his disappears just like the others.
“I am sorry Bokuto-san,” I said dipping my head and trying to ignore the bitter pain that was surfacing in my chest. Suddenly I felt the strings coming up and pulling me into a deep dark pit from which I would never escape. But a part of me was happy that I would still be able to look up and see the sun.
I had tears in my eyes, but the worst part was the sobs that I heard coming from Bokuto. His entire frame was shaking.
“I thought you loved me,” He said looking me in the eyes. And in that moment, I almost broke. Because I did love him, my heart yearned for the boy standing in front of me. But more than anything I yearned for his heart to remain beating. And if that meant I had to let the strings take control of me again I would let them in a heartbeat.
“I’m sorry Bokuto-san,” I said again. This time my voice quivered.
“We won’t let this affect the team okay,” he says quietly,” You’re still my setter.”
My heart falters as he places a hand on my shoulder, and I have to bite my tongue to hold back a sharp sob.
True to his word I remain by Bokuto’s side as his setter, but after volleyball we don’t talk. In fact, no one on the team lets me near him. Not that I tried.
I really am just a doll.
In my second year Bokuto names me vice. Everyone on the team including myself is shocked, but soon they all come to terms with the fact that despite everything Bokuto still valued my opinion and presence.
We managed to settle into a friendship in my second year. But somehow that managed to push me deeper into the hole I had fallen into.
It was like I lived to separate lives now, and in both of them I was a whore. Though Bokuto never said those words. In fact, that part that hurt the worst was that Bokuto wasn’t even mad at me for “cheating” on him. He was mad at himself.
There was a constant weight on my chest whenever Bokuto and I were together. It hurt when I watched him date other people. I was always wishing it was me instead of them. And slowly outside of volleyball I began to distance myself from him.
Mid-way through my second year I met my mother. Her eyes looked just like mine, and I suddenly understood where I got my hair from. My mother made the decision that I could handle more men in a single night.
The sight of crusted blood on my thighs became a sight I grew used to.
The day off Bokuto’s graduation was when I finally lost it.
“Come on baby doll, put on the skirt for me and bend over.”
I am not a doll.
“God you look just like a porcelain doll baby.”
I am not a doll.
“Come on doll face, swing those hips.”
I don’t want to be a doll.
It happened suddenly as I sat next to Kenma and Kuroo who had both come since their school’s graduation happened on a different day. Their third soulmate, Hinata, had wanted to be here. But he chose to attend his teammates’ graduation instead.
It was in the middle of the ceremony that my hands began to tremble. Thoughts flooding through my head about drowning. The thoughts of everyone else moving onwards and upwards without me. The thought that I would never truly be free.
YOU’RE JUST A DOLL.
YOU’RE A PUPPET.
YOU WILL NEVER BE FREE.
My heart ached and my feet moved on their own, taking me out of the room and up to the roof. Because maybe this was the only way I would ever be free. The only way to end the cycle. I scratched at my skin. I could practically feel the phantom strings as they suffocated every piece of happiness from my body.
I JUST WANT TO BE FREE.
I WANT TO BE HAPPY.
I DON’T WANT TO BE A DOLL ANYMORE.
I fell to my knees sobbing. Blood started to trickle down my forearms as my nails dug in even harder than before.
Jump and you’ll be free.
Jump and you’ll be free.
Jump and there will be no more strings.
I didn’t want to die. I just wanted to be free. I felt backed into a corner with my demons swarming over me.
I don’t want to die; I just want to be free.
I don’t want to die but if I can be free…
I don’t want to die but I will if it means I can be free.
A choked sob finds its way through my lips as I climb onto the railing. My balance from years of a forced profession and volleyball being put to use as the wind whips around me.
You should call someone.
You should tell them goodbye.
No one cares enough.
And yet still I find myself dialing Kuroo’s number. I had thought about dialing Bokuto’s, but he was graduating right now he couldn’t answer his phone, and I didn’t want to embarrass him by making his phone go off while he was onstage.
Kuroo picked up on the second ring.
“Akaashi,” Kuroo says coldly, I know he’s never fully forgiven me for breaking Bokuto’s heart. That was the second reason I had called him instead of anyone else. He probably wouldn’t care,” You’re missing the ceremony you know. Bokuto’s going to be hurt.”
“I am sorry,” I said quietly,” Can you promise me not to tell Bokuto what I am about to tell you. And I need you to promise that you’ll never try to do anything about it.”
“Akaashi, I don’t have time for this,” Kuroo says annoyed.
“Please Kuroo-san,” I say. And I can hear my voice breaking. My legs are trembling and everything in me is begging me to fall. “Promise because if you do any of these things you both might die.”
Suddenly its like a switch is flicked. “Akaashi what are you talking about.”
“My parents force me to do those things that you saw.” I say quietly,” I never wanted to do any of them. I am tired of being a doll.”
My voice is shaking now. There is silence on the other end of the phone. Tears are streaming down my face, and suddenly I am scared.
“Every time I try to be free, they yank me back,” I say sobbing,” They have killed everyone I have ever gone to for help. And I am tired of being a doll. I am tired of being used. I am tired of bleeding. I am tired of not being free.”
“Akaashi,” Kuroo says quietly,” You should have told us anyways, I promise you we could have found a solution.”
“I’ve got one,” I say quietly. And now my eyes are trained on the ground below. The grass is green and full of life. The wind whips my jacket around and I tug it off and throw it to the side.
“Okay,” he says happily,” Tell me what it is so we can make it happen.”
“I’m going to die Kuroo-san,” I say crying,” I am going to die and finally be free. Then everything will be alright, and none of you are put in danger. There is no more strings to hold me if I am dead.”
There is silence and then the sound of running.
“Akaashi where are you?” Kuroo asks, and now his voice is panicked.
“I am going to fly Kuroo-san,” I say laughing a bit,” That way I don’t have to be theirs anymore.”
“Fuck!” I hear the voice twice, once over the phone and once down on the ground below me.
I look down to see Kuroo staring up at me with wide eyes. There are tears in his eyes.
I can feel tears running down my face. My heart is sinking in my chest. I am having second thoughts about the entire thing. I shake my head and look back down to where Kuroo was standing only to see him gone. The phone had been hung up. I had to do this quickly.
I took one foot off the ledge. Intending to step off instead of fall. But as I lifted my foot a gust of wind caught me off balance and knocked me back onto the roof. I landed painfully, my head cracking into the ground. I lay there for a moment trying to regain the breath that had been knocked out of me before climbing back onto the railing. This time I would fall. That way I wouldn’t lose my balance. I could feel blood from where I smashed my head on the ground trickling down my neck.
It doesn’t matter now.
I lean forward and my feet leave the railing. And for one blissful moment I feel what freedom tastes like only to have the back of my shirt grabbed. I feel one set of hands grabbing the back of my shirt. And there is another one looping around my waist. I am hauled back onto the roof.
“Please,” I begged quietly,” Just let me be free, just let me have this.”
There are tears falling from my eyes and I feel the set of arms around my waist tighten.
“I’m sorry,” I hear Bokuto’s voice,” I should have paid more attention. I should have questioned you more than I did, but I left you alone.”
I feel gentle kisses being pressed to my neck. The tears flow harder down my face.
“His head looks really bad,” Kuroo says quietly. “I am going to call an ambulance. And once we get the ambulance here, we will inform them that his parents aren’t allowed anywhere near him.”
Bokuto nods still holding me close,” Keiji I love you so much.”
The words are whispered in my ear and suddenly my porcelain mask is breaking into to as I collapse into him sucking in huge ugly sobs. My entire body was trembling.
“You’re going to live with us from now on,” Bokuto says quietly,” I don’t care what anyone says they will do to me. I’m not leaving you again. I promise you.”
Bokuto kept his word. I lived with Kenma, Kuroo, and Bokuto in our apartment in Tokyo throughout my entire third year. Though I always was checking over my shoulder because my parents had never been found. Hinata visited Tokyo as often as he could throughout his second year of high school. The boy often left his stuff as the apartment. Not only that but he quickly became a close friend. So, when one day I was walking out of the apartment trying to chase after Bokuto I walked into a panicked Hinata I worried.
Even as he assured me, he was doing fine I still worried.
Later that night I heard his scream resonate through the entire apartment. The scream resonated with my very soul. It reminded me of the scream that tore through my throat every time I had been forcefully penetrated. The scream had caused me to grip on so tightly to Bokuto that he winced.
That night I found myself shaking, I found myself crying, and I found myself empathizing with the tiny middle blocker in the other room.
Bokuto held me that night as I tried desperately to claw at my own arms. I heard him telling me to stop but the words wouldn’t register.
Kenma came in at some point to tell us Hinata was calming down.
“He went through it too didn’t he,” I ask quietly. And I watch as Kenma freezes before nodding his head slightly.
“You two should talk,” Kenma says quietly,” I think it would be good for you both.”
Hinata and I never did get the time to talk to each other. After that incident he was busy for the course of a month’s time.
Then one day I received a text message from him.
Shouyou has added You, Kageyama Tobio, Kunimi Akira, Tendou Satori, Shirabu Kenjirou, Yamaguchi Tadashi, Yaku Morisuke, and Goshiki Tsutomu to a group chat.
Shouyou: This is Hinata Shouyou from Karasuno High School. If you have burning questions about your past that you need answered, come to Tokyo on Sunday. Kenma and Kuroo’s place. If you can’t or don’t want to that’s fine, it’s your choice. But if you have any desire to have answers, I have some.
All at once I felt the strings pulling at me once more.
AM I JUST A DOLL?