Chapter Text
It started with Bellamy getting engaged.
Clarke had known it was coming, so she was as prepared as she ever could be. She’d been the first person Bellamy had told, so she’d had plenty of time to convince herself she could accept it. She even went through something that suspiciously felt like the Five Stages of Grief. In the end though, that didn’t stop her from blubbering like an idiot over someone she never even dated.
Bellamy was her best friend. Her person. Really, the closest thing to family she had since everything with her mom had happened three years ago. She just couldn’t believe that it was real.
That Bellamy and Echo were getting married.
When he first introduced her to the group, Clarke figured she’d last a month, maybe two. Gina, who she immediately liked, only lasted three months. But a month became two and then six. Then it was two whole years. Eventually, Clarke’s friends became Echo’s friends. Even she had to admit that while the other was a little hard to get to know, she was good for Bellamy. And a killer beer pong partner. Despite loving Bellamy (and knowing he would never love her back) she did her best to like Echo.
And she was happy for them. She told this to herself as Echo flashed the ring around the room. She repeated it over and over. Like a mantra. Especially when Bellamy swept Clarke into a hug and whispered a ‘thank you’ just for her. She even said the words. To both of them. Honestly, she deserved a prize.
Bellamy pulled Clarke into the kitchen to help get some glasses for drinks, and she prayed he wouldn’t bring up the wedding. At some point, she was sure she’d have to deal with the details of it. For now though, all she wanted was to pretend it was happening so far off in the future that it was nothing but a vague concept of a thing.
“Hey, can we talk?” he asked as she was about to go back out into the living room.
She swallowed, fearing that somehow her lying hadn’t been enough. That he’d finally figured out how she felt about him. Preparing herself for the worst, she swallowed and gave him as easy a smile as she could.
“Sure,” she said, hoping her voice came out much less strained than it sounded to her.
She knew she’d failed when she saw concern etched across his brow.
“You okay, Clarke? I know this is a lot, and you and Lexa didn’t break up that long ago and I just…”
“I’m okay,” she pushed out. She took a breath to buy herself some time. “This is fine, okay? I’m fine.” He didn’t look convinced, but she didn’t give him the room to ask how she was doing a second time. Clarke wasn’t sure if she could lie to him again. “So, what did you want to talk about?”
“I don’t want anything to change,” he let out. Then he shook his head. “I know that that’s probably stupid, but—”
“It’s not,” she assured him. “Though perhaps a bit of a weird wish considering you’re embarking on a huge change.” She forced herself to smile a bit once more.
Part of her heart stuttered that maybe Bellamy was having second thoughts. She squashed it as soon as she thought of it though. There was no point in thinking that kind of thing. It would only break her heart even more.
“I know,” he laughed, a little dry. “I guess what I mean is...You’re important to me, Clarke.”
“Oh, good,” she couldn’t help but deadpan. “I was starting to think I didn’t matter at all.”
“Very funny.” He shook his head. “Let me get this out though, okay?” She nodded. “Thanks. Look, even though Echo and I are engaged now it doesn’t have to change anything between us, right? I mean, you’re still my best friend. And I know I can’t promise things won’t change, I guess, but if I start being a crappy friend, please, let me know, okay? And then I’ll try and get back to being a just-okay friend.”
She laughed, unable to control herself. God. It was a miracle he didn’t know how she felt. “You’re still my best friend, too, Bellamy. And trust me, if you start slipping, I’ll be the first to tell you.”
He snorted. “I knew you’d say something like that.”
Clarke felt the moment shift a little, and felt the pressure of unsaid words. But they would have to go unsaid forever now. The room felt hot and claustrophobic, and she needed to get out of there.
“Come on,” she said, tilting her head towards the door to the kitchen. “Let’s get these glasses out there before they start drinking straight from the bottles.”
He tsked his tongue against his teeth. “Remind me again why our friends are such heathens?”
She shrugged. “It’s a Saturday. They’re your friends on Saturdays, remember? It’s in our custody agreement.”
He laughed. “Ah, yes, how could I forget?”
“Don’t worry.” She forced a grin but found it didn’t take as much effort as she expected it to. “I’ll always be here to remind you.”
He smiled at her and she was grateful he didn’t know how her heart slammed in her chest. “I’m counting on it.”
After that, Clarke did her best to maintain as much as she possibly could.
But she knew that her composure couldn’t last. She felt it in the kitchen, and as it built over the course of the hour. Eventually, she was gonna break. And, shit, did she ever.
It happened so fast, she didn’t think anyone noticed. Rather, she hoped they didn’t, desperately. Ultimately, it was Harper’s fault. Though, of course, she didn’t do it to hurt Clarke. No one knew how hung up on Bellamy she was. And if she wanted to keep him in her life, then she knew she had to keep it that way.
Everyone was drinking, beer, and wine, mostly, and sitting out on her and Bellamy’s patio. The one that she’d painstakingly spent gardening the spring and summer after she quit her residency. Echo was in his lap. Which wasn’t what upset her. They were an affectionate couple. It was what Harper said, or rather suggested.
“So,” she said, grinning around her glass of rosé. “Is it too early to be thinking about little Bellamys running around?”
Everyone laughed. Including Clarke, though it nearly killed her to do it. No one noticed that it was her fake laugh, the one she reserved for her mother’s dinner parties and galas—when those had still been a thing, years ago now. Except maybe Murphy, which made her squirm a little. He’d been shooting her this look all night, and been following her around. Hell, she was lucky he hadn’t trailed into her bedroom after her. Lest she not be able to have her cry fest in peace.
Echo had shaken her head, but she was smiling. “We haven’t, really, uh, talked about that yet.” But Bellamy ducked his head. He was blushing. Which was, fuck, which was maybe the most adorable thing she’d ever seen.
They all made this mmmm sound that made Clarke want to burn down her and Bellamy’s row home. The one they’d moved into after Miller and Jackson moved in together and Wells joined Doctors Without Borders. Becoming roommates had been so easy, but now, she was regretting it.
Not long after that little tidbit of information was shared, she made some excuse. She wanted to get another beer, she had a headache and needed some Advil, anything to get her out of there. She couldn’t even remember what she’d said, only knowing that she hoped everyone was too distracted celebrating to see the truth through her lies. The minute she closed her bedroom door behind her, she sat down on her bed and just cried.
She was doing her best to be quiet. But she couldn’t get that stupid image of a little Bellamy and Echo out of her head. The kid would be absolutely gorgeous obviously. Tall and bronze skin and maybe Bellamy’s freckles and Echo’s piercing eyes. The thought sent her on a new round of sobbing, which made her almost miss the light knock on her door.
Fuck. Quickly, she scrambled up from the pillows and wiped at her face. Not that it would do any good. It was probably Bellamy, wondering what was holding her up. Her mind whirled with how she could possibly explain her current state to him.
Maybe she’d say something about missing Lexa. They had only broken up three months ago. And he always got that funny look on his face whenever the other woman came up. As much as she would hate herself for it later, it did give her a little thrill. Like maybe he didn’t like her not only because she’d screwed with their weekly game night.
“Come in,” she said, her voice shaky. She hated herself for it. Maybe she would be lucky, and it would be Raven or Monty.
Who she was not expecting; however, was Murphy.
He took in her appearance and immediately got this sheepish look on his face, and stuck his hands in his pockets.
“Bellamy asked me to find you,” he said.
She let out a dry laugh. “Of course he did.”
This sent her spiraling once more, and she was sure it would terrify Murphy. He had just gotten out of a four-year-long relationship with Emori. Now, he seemed dead set on avoiding any emotion like the plague. She figured she would send him running.
Instead, she felt the bed dip a little. Then, even more shockingly, she felt his arm come around her shoulders.
She brushed the tears from her eyes and looked up at him. “The fuck are you doing?”
He smirked. “That’s no way to treat a friend who’s trying to be there for you in your darkest hour.”
She had to laugh at that. “I would say this is hardly my darkest hour.”
He simply raised a brow at that, and she chewed on her lip. A minute passed between them. She felt so goddamn tired. That was her excuse for letting herself rest her head on his shoulder.
“Alright,” she finally said. “You might be a little bit right.”
“A little?” he asked.
“Don’t push it,” she shot back.
She felt him laugh and actually, hell, she couldn’t believe it, snuggled into his side.
“Does everyone know?” she asked.
“Know what?”
She jabbed his shoulder with her pointer finger. Her eyes rose to his, but she quickly looked away. She had never seen Murphy look at anyone with pity before. And she wasn’t in the mood to be the first.
He breathed out a sigh. “I don’t know. I mean, obviously, being the genius that I am,” she scoffed at the word genius, but he continued, “I figured it out. I think Miller might suspect, but it’s Miller, dude’s not gonna say a word. Besides, I didn’t realize how serious it was until you and Lexa broke up. You weren’t even bummed. Just a little weird around Bellamy.”
She winced a little at that. It was the truth.
Coincidentally, she and Lexa broke up a week after Bellamy told her he was proposing, so she was sure her weird behavior could be dismissed by everything happening at once. But the truth was that they had broken up because of Bellamy. Lexa had been kind about it all, really, but she told Clarke that if this relationship wasn’t going anywhere, then she needed to end it. She could hardly blame her, it was the truth, after all. As much as she cared for Lexa, maybe even loved her, Bellamy would always be there.
And she was gonna admit it too. Even if it burned her life down. Even if it meant that she and Bellamy weren’t friends anymore. But a part of her, a stupid part, she now thought, believed that he’d feel that same. That he’d sweep her into his arms and almost kiss her, but pull away at the last minute, and say, “I’ve gotta talk to Echo first, but after that, I’ll kiss you until our lips don’t work anymore.”
And that would be the beginning.
But then she’d come down to the kitchen and he was staring at that stupid ring, his brow furrowed in concentration.
“What’s wrong?” she had asked. She still hadn’t told anyone about Lexa. She wanted him to be the first.
He rubbed the back of his neck like he did whenever he was nervous or embarrassed, “I just...” He looked at her, a little odd for a moment, with an expression she couldn’t quite place. But then he cleared his throat and went back to looking at the ring.
“I just wanna do this right,” he said.
And she knew she couldn’t tell him, not then, not ever. He wanted Echo. He was in love with Echo. Hell, he was giving her his mother’s ring. You didn’t do that with a girl you didn’t want to spend the rest of your life with.
So, she had offered a winning smile, and said, “I bet there’s a fifty-seven percent chance you don’t totally fuck it up.”
He laughed at that, and she tried to ignore the way her stomach did a little flip. God, she was pathetic. “That’s generous.”
“You know me, I live to give.” She paused and then softened, “Come on, it’ll be perfect because it’s you.” She was serious all of a sudden and felt herself nearly melt into his brown eyes. She had to look away.
“You’re probably right.”
“Oh, I know I’m right,” she said.
Then she bumped her shoulder against his, and said, “I’ll make the coffee, you get the bacon.”
Murphy was rubbing the bare skin of her shoulder. Right where the strap of her sundress ended. He pressed his lips to the top of her head, and murmured, “It’s gonna be okay Griffin.”
Her tears had dried by now, though no doubt her eyes were still red, and she didn’t feel like going back out to the party.
He swallowed and looked down at her. “I’m really fucked up about Emori.”
Her eyes widened a little at that. She didn’t know he’d ever want to discuss it. Though the two had been civil at game night and the party, they were still very much awkward around each other. So much so that she suspected Emori’s leaving the party early had little to do with an issue at the kickboxing gym she ran and a lot to do with her and Murphy.
“I know I haven’t...Shit, I know I haven’t shown a lot of anything recently, but I thought that everything was fine. I mean, things were rough for a while there and then we had to take a break. Which I know was mostly my fault. But we were getting it back. Getting back to normal. And then she just accuses me of...” he trailed off and he didn’t sound like he was going to continue, but she got the sense that wanted to.
“What?” Clarke asked.
He blew out a slow breath. “I think I might love Raven,” he said.
She adjusted her head on his shoulder. “We all love Raven,” she said wryly.
“No, I mean. Fuck, I can’t believe I’m telling you this. And half sober too. Really, forget it. It’s nothing.”
She took his hand in hers and wove their fingers together. It took her a couple of minutes before she had the guts to ask him.
“Do you think you love her like I love Bellamy?”
It was the first time she’d said it. To herself. To anyone.
Murphy scoffed. “Maybe not as pathetically as you do. I mean, I don’t think my ideal date is pizza and beer and a history documentary.” She grunted in protest, but he ignored her. “But yeah, I guess. I don’t know. It’s stupid.”
She didn’t know what to do with that information. It felt like all too much, on top of her own feelings. The idea that Murphy could love Raven had never occurred to her, but now that he’d told her, it had her rethinking everything she knew about the two of them. But Raven and Shaw had been together for nearly a year, she had never seen Raven so happy. Maybe Murphy was the only one that understood how she was feeling.
“The heart is an idiot,” she told him.
He snorted. She moved her head from his shoulder, her eyes searching his. For what, exactly, she had no fucking idea.
“Murphy....” she said, but it sounded awfully like a plea.
He licked his lips and his eyes drifted to hers. She did the same. Something changed in the air between them, and she knew it was wrong, but...It felt good.
Murphy cleared his throat. “This is a horrible idea.”
“The worst,” she agreed.
“I mean, we are in no position to...You know.”
She nodded, her eyes still on him.
“We would be the biggest idiots in Arkadia.”
“Probably the state,” she replied.
“Okay, so we won’t.”
“Okay,” she said, turning away from him, lifting her head from his shoulder. His arm dropped.
They sat side by side for a minute. She swallowed loudly and he rubbed the bridge of his nose. He turned to her and then faced forward. And then did it once more.
After a beat, when she was about to suggest they go back to the party, he said, “Fuck it.”
He turned, and she turned and he slid a hand across her jaw, tilting her head up. Then they were kissing. It was not a graceful kiss. It was sloppy. And intense. Probably because they were both starving for something, anything to take away the pain they were feeling. They both knew the ache each one of them felt, not for each other, but for a connection, all the same.
She scrambled into his lap and rubbed her hips against his. He moaned, audibly. Probably loudly. But she didn’t care. Because she wasn’t crying anymore, and she wasn’t thinking about Bellamy fucking Blake.
She felt his hands burn into her hips they gripped her so tight, and even though she repeatedly ground down on his growing erection, he wasn’t moving to remove the barriers between them. So, she did. All she had to do was do away with her underwear. Murphy broke the kiss as she did so.
He started to shake his head. “Clarke...You were crying about another dude like five minutes ago.”
“Exactly,” she breathed out, her hands on his belt. Once she had tossed it to the floor, she kissed him again. He didn’t make any moves to stop her, so she took that as an encouragement and started working on his zipper. “And you were just moping about another woman. Two women, really. So, we’re even. Hell, if anything, you’re one-upping me.” She crashed her lips against his again.
When they broke for air, he tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “Are you sure?” he asked, a little out of breath.
She felt relieved. Her own chest was heaving. She hadn’t been with anyone since Lexa, and though he wouldn't say it, she suspected it was the same with him and Emori. Nodding, she brought him in for another kiss, this one softer, as if to tell him: it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.
He didn’t stop their movements after that. It was quick, and kind of dirty, and not at all the kind of sex she usually had. Which was exactly what she needed. She didn’t want to be made love to. She wanted to be fucked.
Later, she was still in his lap and they were kissing lazily. She giggled a little bit and started kissing his neck. It felt nice. To have someone. Even if it wasn’t the someone she wanted. And that she wasn’t the someone who he wanted. At least they were able to find comfort in one another, or rather, she hoped he felt comforted too. Not thinking about it too much (really, she hadn’t been thinking at all since Murphy kissed her) Clarke started placing a hickey that Murphy could easily hide, just below his collar bone.
Then she felt him tense, and heard him say, “Oh fuck.”
He actually threw her out of his lap and onto the floor, scrambling to get his briefs and jeans up. She glared at him from where she had landed on the carpet.
“Jackass. What the fuck is your....”
And then she noticed the door had been flung open. Every single one of their friends was on the other side. They were all gaping at them as if there weren’t words for what they were seeing. Maybe there wasn’t. Matching expressions of shock written across their faces. It would’ve been hilarious if it was under any other circumstances.
It was Octavia who spoke for all of them. “Oh. My. Fucking. God.”