Chapter Text
Jungkook didn’t want to present, he didn’t want to turn out as the alpha that he knew that he was meant to be. The signs were all there, there was no way in hell that he was going to be anything else but an alpha, the symptoms were glaring when it came to him. He had all the things that pointed towards it since he had hit puberty, from his competitiveness, the natural strength that he built, the powerful aura that seemed to make others back off despite the fact that he was still considered a pup even among his pack. Yeah, he knew what he was going to become. Knew what lied in his future. His scent had also had a lot of the rich earthiness that alphas were known for as well and while most would love to be in his shoes, kill for it even, Jungkook didn’t want any of it. Because at the young age of fifteen, he had fallen head over heels for an alpha. For a specific one in fact that made his heart race to this day even at twenty-three years of age.
Kim Seokjin, his bandmate, his best friend, the person who drove him to school every day, who packed his lunches, who made him feel like he had a home when he was still a child, whose scent reminded him of the first snowfall of the year… who was an alpha, like what he was going to end up being….
He knew that he would present soon. Jungkook had done his best to make it delayed, taken medicine that he knew that he shouldn’t be taking just so that it would stunt him from presenting just that little bit longer so that he could find a way to make Seokjin want him as well… So that he could hold onto his feelings just that little bit longer… But he should have known that eventually, that bubble was going to burst, that eventually, the managers would find out what he was doing, that he was taking suppressants, that he was blocking his hormones. He knew all the risks of what he was doing, was fine with it in fact, as long as it delayed him becoming an alpha just that little bit longer. So what if there was the chance that he probably couldn’t have children. There was no way that he was going to end up with an omega or beta anyways, he just wasn’t attracted to them. Jungkook really wasn’t attracted to anybody, just Seokjin. It had always been Seokjin.
His managers were angry though, not the type of angry were they were yelling at him, threatening to fire him, forcing him to make apology after apology to the fans because of his behavior. No, this was worse. They weren’t even upset at him. They weren’t judging him. They weren’t even blaming him. They were all blaming themselves… All of them were talking to each other as if he wasn’t there, which technically he wasn’t, he was sitting outside of their office because he was told to wait out there until he could come inside. But what made the matters worse though was that his pack and his parents were in there as well. So Seokjin, Yoongi, Namjoon, Hoseok, Jimin, Taehyung, his mom, his dad, and his brother all now knew that he had been taking suppressants for years. Using the excuse that he had been giving to his secret doctor as to why he needed them…
Which made him feel even worse because he had lied about the reason why he needed them, had made up the best excuse that he could at the time in order to get them when he had barely been sixteen, and was desperate to keep his body from completing the change. From presenting. Saying that as an Idol he was scared that his fans wouldn’t love him anymore if he presented as an alpha instead of the normal beta or omega that was most common in the industry. That if he wasn’t cute as the maknae that it would ruin his and everyone else’s careers. Which, if he was being honest, wasn’t a complete lie, wasn’t entirely bullshit, he did feel that way sometimes, he was a very insecure person after all, but he may or may not have taken advantage of the known issue in the industry in order to get what he wanted.
All because he didn’t want to become an alpha and have absolutely no chance with Seokjin at all.
It was this fact that made him hang his head in shame because he knew that he was going to have to come clean. That it wasn’t right that he was making them worry and scratch their heads like they all were, wondering where they all went wrong, why they didn’t notice the signs, how it had taken them until Jungkook was twenty-three years old to figure out what he was doing.
This would be so much better if they were angry at him. If they yelled or screamed and got mad. But he had to be blessed with the most caring and understanding people in the world as his family, pack, and coworkers and while normally e would never complain about such a thing, right now it was making him feel like the worse person in the entire world because he didn’t feel like he deserved them.
Head in his hands, he could feel frustrated tears stinging the corners of his eyes, the lump in his throat nearly choking him as he tried not to cry. He didn’t want to be here right now, he didn’t want to have to confess to his feelings, didn’t want to have to explain everything, didn’t want everyone to be careful around him, wanted them to be angry and scream in his face because that would be easier to handle then having to deal with them caring for him like he knew that they would when he knew he fucked up royally and that the consequences could very well be permanent.
Bottom line, Jungkook felt like a shitty person, and just wished the others would feel the same.
God, how was he supposed to explain to them that he was gay…
How was he supposed to tell them, to look them in the eyes and say that the reason he did all of this is because he feared becoming an alpha, that he would never be happy for as long as he lived because he would much rather be an omega or beta then what he knew he was. The doctor had even told him that there was nothing wrong with being an alpha, that he needed to accept it, and that was when he knew that he was no longer going to be getting his suppressants, that the beta was going to stop prescribing them to him. What Jungkook didn’t expect was for the doctor to call his company and explain everything to them, medical chart and all, even stating that he knew that he could get sued, that he was willing to take that risk, but he was scared for Jungkook’s health, and that just made him feel even more like the dirt on the bottom of someone’s shoe.
Lower than dirt even, because he had even managed to get the nice beta who had been over-seeing him in secret for the past seven years to worry about him and that doctor had always been so loving and kind, sympathetic to his plight, and now they were being dragged in this as well.
He was having trouble breathing, everything was becoming too much, the tears were starting to fall and he felt like he was suffocating sitting there. Jungkook needed to leave. Needed to get some fresh air. Needed to get away because he couldn’t sit here and wait for them to stop talking about him any longer. He just needed to run. To go. To get away. Clear his head see where he needed to go from here.
Feet moving on auto-pilot, Jungkook stood up wordlessly from his seat and bolted. Just ran as far as his legs could take him. Didn’t think. Just moved. Getting as far away from there as he could because he simply couldn’t take it anymore.
His lungs were hurting from crying and running at the same time. Heavy pants falling from his lips as he rushed out of the building, past the security guards who called out to him in alarm, past the throngs of people milling out of his company building because they were either tourists or walking back to work from their lunch breaks. Didn’t stop moving until he was by the Han River, till he was secluded and alone, in a spot that he knew the others would eventually find him in because it was a spot they all knew so well since it was private and not many people went there. Maybe he went there on purpose subconsciously, Jungkook wasn’t sure, all he knew was that part of him wanted to be found. Wanted to be held and coddled and told that it was all going to be okay, that they would fix this together…
Problem was, that Jungkook didn’t feel like he deserved that. Didn’t feel like he should even be part of the pack anymore, part of BTS anymore, because he really fucked up, and now everyone that was important to him was upset at everyone but him and he couldn’t take that type of guilt. So he fell to his knees and cried his eyes out by the Han River, his heart pouring out with his tears as it broke and shattered completely. Not stopping until his throat hurt and there was someone holding him, rocking him with their chest pressed to his front, and by the scent alone he fell into it instantly.
He should have known that Jimin would be the one to find him first.
As well as the one to keep the others away so that he could break.
He could feel wetness on the back of his neck and he knew that Jimin was crying as well, that the older beta was feeling everything that he was feeling and more since he had always had a special bond with him that was different from the others. Almost right away Jimin had taken to him, seeing Jungkook as the little brother that he had left behind when he had started this journey with them in order to become Idols. And while Taehyung had been the one to break him from his shell, to help build his confidence in himself, Jimin had always been that tie that bound him to home. Their shared background of Busan, the sea, and the beta’s paternal nature making him feel like he wasn’t as far away from his mother as he often felt.
When he had told Jimin this once, it had ended up with him receiving a bruise on his arm because how dare he say that Jimin looked old enough to be his mother despite those words never coming from his mouth. But he saw it for what it was, that the older was embarrassed and was flushed from head to toe because of his admission. That he liked it but was so flustered because of it that he didn’t know how to respond. If from that day forward Jimin was appointed the duty of taking care of Jungkook whenever he was remotely sick or sad, no one complained because they didn’t want to deal with him nagging their ears off. It was better to just let him do what he wanted in the end.
“It’s going to be alright,” Jimin’s voice cracked as he spoke, filled with emotion and tears that he just couldn’t hide, not even for Jungkook’s sake, and that made him just hold onto the hand that was placed over his heart just that little bit tighter.
A sob fell from Jungkook’s lips, the feelings from before rushing over him again, and this time Jimin turned him around and he fell into the beta’s arms willingly. “It’s alright Jungkookie, it’s going to be alright, we are here for you now,” Jimin’s spoke softly into his hair, placing kisses on the top of his head and rubbing soothing circles onto his back, “It’s going to be okay, I’m here, we will get through this together.”
Jungkook just held onto him tighter due to his words, sobbing brokenly into his stomach and soaking his shirt with his tears and snot. “It will be okay.”
“Nothing will be okay,” He couldn’t stop himself from saying it, couldn’t stop himself from breaking down and letting it all out and Jimin stilled at his words before starting the pattern of rubbing his back all over again.
“Why do you say that Jungkookie?” He wasn’t probing, Jungkook knew Jimin well enough to know that the other would never pry too hard and force him to speak, that he would allow him to open up if he wanted to, was ready to, and like a dam bursting, he couldn’t stop himself from baring his soul. From spilling everything because he was so tired, so hurt, so scared, that he just wanted the comfort from his packmate, from Jimin, who was so much like family that it was hard to believe sometimes that he wasn’t related to him by blood, and they would all know the truth soon anyway.
“I’m gay.”
Jimin stiffened, and for a moment Jungkook grew scared that the beta would push him away in disgust when he simply pulled him up into a sitting position and cupped his cheeks instead. “What do you mean Jungkookie?”
The beta’s brows were pushed together in confusion, concern in his bloodshot eyes from how hard he had been crying as he held him, and even though Jungkook wanted nothing more than to look away. To not have to say this as he stared at him, he couldn’t look away no matter how much his mind wanted him to. “I’m gay.”
“I heard that, but what do you mean? You haven’t presented, you-”
“I already know what I am going to be.”
Jimin rolled his eyes and pinched his cheeks, the mood around them lifting instantly, “There’s no way to know that pup until you actually go through the process, or not, depending on what you are.”
Blushing, this time he did look at the ground as he spoke, “I already have started forming partial knots. Have been since I was twelve…”
Jimin’s face became that of surprise, his mouth forming an ‘O’ at Jungkook’s confession. “Well,” He licked his lips, “That still doesn’t change who you are Jungkookie. If you are gay or not that doesn’t matter, what matters is that you are happy, healthy,” He stressed that word out as he said it and Jungkook knew that they would have to address the elephant in the room soon, “and that you are a good person. Who you fall in love with is your business and your business alone and if anyone has anything negative to say about it they will have to get through me and the rest of the pack first. Besides, you know Yoongi swings both ways, we’ve known that since pre-debut and he would have all those threesomes in the dorm whether we were there or not. Remember how bad it was. I swear that Namjoon was constantly leaking everywhere at the scents that always lingered around. Thank God they finally got their act together.”
Before he could stop himself, Jungkook smiled, but it instantly fell again as the feelings came rushing back and he was reminded of why he was sitting here by the Han River crying in the first place, “I’m different though.”
Jimin frowned, “No your not.”
“I’m an alpha Hyung, it is different, Yoongi-Hyung is a beta like you, there’s no social stigma for him being either sub gender, for me though,” Jimin’s gaze softened his lower lip poking out in a pout, “For me, it’s wrong,” He cracked at that, his voice filled with tears again and he sniffled, “Everyone will hate me, I won’t be able to find a mate, they will want me out of the group, I’ll be hated, you all will be hated, I don’t want to be an alpha Hyung, I don’t want to present.”
“Oh Jungkookie,” Jimin pulled him into a hug, squeezing him tightly in his arms, “It will be okay, I promise, it will be okay.”
Jungkook really wished that he could believe him….