Chapter Text
People often say if a person is toxic, let go. But what if you were the toxic one?
It only occured to Doyoung recently that everyone around him has been subject to his negativity atleast once. The endless nagging that were lighthearted jests became a cause of disrupt. And the playful banter are now full blown fights.
It only occured to him that he caused the low moods and the awkward tension hanging in the air. He only wanted to help the kids better themselves. He only wanted his friends to not regret messing up on their exam results because of that party.
He only wanted his boyfriend to become the best version of himself.
That had been the last straw, apparently.
Jaehyun had changed uni course a couple of times throughout their university. Both would have been in their final year completing their masters. On his third year, he decided academia was not for him and decided to take a gap year off. He has since been working odd jobs, waiting for his proverbial calling.
This did not sit well with Doyoung. He was an academic through and through. He loved studying and couldn't wait to get into research, conduct his own experiments, prove and disprove. He loved that after the hardwork of university, he will have a clear pathway to become a professional. A good, reputable 9 to 5 -- if it goes over, it is for the sake of science-- that pays adequately and will be stepping stone for him to pursue a Phd in a year or two. He's flexible.
Or so he thought. He encouraged him despite not understanding the route he chose. He researched about apprenticeships, online courses and other alternatives that may entice his other half. This only ever errupts into an argument with him feeling guilty and Jaehyun feeling even more unmotivated.
Jaehyun is a competitive guy. On winters when they both get a little lazy and their jeans getting tighter, what motivates him to get fit is seeing Doyoung do his 20 min youtube exercises. Knowing this, Doyoung hoped to inspire him by taking on more courses, progressing further and bringing home the dough.
He thinks its inspirational. He is not the brightest of this cohort, but he takes on an another course for extra points. Ofcourse, it took a toll physically and emotionally. And ofcourse, Jaehyun was there to support him. Encouraged him in more ways he could have hoped for. He passed it, barely. But it was a pass.
Contrary to what he thought, Jaehyun was not inspired by his hardwork and determination. He was not motivated or even felt competitive to going back to study. The prospect of better money after the course did not entice him.
'Flexible,' Doyoung thought. Jaehyun liked piano and music, played until the morning. Maybe he should suggest a youtube channel?
'Don't be silly, Doie.' Brushing his idea off entirely. 'There's a lot of time and effort put into making those things. Plus, my skill is not at a point where an audience can appreciate'
'I appreciate it!' running upto him, burrying his head into the crook of his shoulder. 'You play nice music.'
And he truly does.
'But you're my Doie, it's your job to appreciate my music.'
Doyoung could feel his laugh reverberate around his chest, along with the steady beat of his heart, and decided he shall not push his luck tonight.
'Ok,' he says finally. 'Whatcha wanna eat?'
***
A few weeks into his new job and Doyoung is feeling the pressure. The responsibility is too high. The risk associated with one small mistake can lead to life altering reprecussions.
He snaps at his friends, and end up isolating himself. It keeps him up at night for days.
As usual, Jaehyun silently listens to his rants, brews him Twinning's tea for better sleep, and strokes his hair until he drifts away.
***
His first paycheck was a joyous occasion. They had both been struggling financially on their minimum wage salaries that the extra money was welcomed. They decided to dress up and dine out.
The imbalance was felt a few months after. He craved for a holiday. Somewhere nice and warm, preferably with a cocktail in this hand and a book in the other.
Jaehyun agreed, as he always does.
'I saved a bit of money, so I think I can afford to.'
'Great,' he replies, already thinking about which summer clothes to bring, 'me too, I think I can still put a little bit more to our savings account.'
Jaehyun pauses at that. 'Erm.. If we go on a holiday, I dont think Ill be able to add much on that month.'
'Its ok, just add whatever you can.'
***
Doyoung got promoted nearly a year into his tenure.
Jaehyun, on the otherhand, got a new job as a barista. It was Doyoung's recommendation. The chain offers to train them to become accredited baristas and even sends employees on leadership courses. Jaehyun can't live without coffee, so its perfect!
'How's the new job going?' he asks, treadding lightly. He sits himself beside Jaehyun and rests his legs over the other's lap.
His boyfriend absentmindedly massages his feet as he goes on about his training.
'Yeah, it's interesting. I knew a lot of things went into coffee, but there's actually science behind it.'
'Oh, definitely' he shifts his feet, so Jaehyun can massage the other one, 'when do they start sending you to do courses?'
The atmosphere was warm earlier, now its ice, ice cold.
'Doie...' he whines, as he puts Doyoung's foot back to his lap. He doesn't let go. 'I just started this, literally last week. I haven't even served my first coffee yet. Can we not do this tonight, please?'
Doyoung brings himself closer to Jaehyun. 'I know, but I'm just curious about what the career progression is like, you know?'
He starts fiddling with Jaehyun's frayed t-shirt. He's had it since uni-- a plain white t-shirt that only he can look good in. 'Ive been thinking about getting a mortgage,' he says finally.
Jaehyun looked at him, and sighed, 'and we can, Doie, but these things take time.'
Doyoung suddenly felt a sense of deja vu.
'I dont even know if I like this job yet. Im still not completely sure what I want to do. Im trying to find out still.' He grabs Doyoungs hand and plays with it. He's very tactile, Jaehyun. 'Im trying my best. We can start looking at houses, if you want. But the courses will have to wait, Doie.'
The ugly feeling of dread starts boiling at the pit of his stomach.
He ignores it.
***
He's had enough.
Doyoung buries himself under his duvet despite being 27 degrees outside. Let him hide in the darkness and wallow in peace, thank you very much.
The topic has arisen yet again...
Career progression, courses, studying...
Whatever version of the evil word it was, it has arisen. And he did not even want to breach it!
He was just casually texting Jaehyun about the progress he's made with his research and about it possibly elevating into something worth writing his Phd on! It was all totally about him! He was not intending on mentioning Jaehyun's career status.
Not that he is not thinking about it. But he was aware not to talk about it. He very much did not want to bring that into the conversation.
No. Completely not.
Not at Jaehyun on the breach of considering another job whilst the cafe so very much adores him, and is apparently, looking into giving him more seniority. Oh no.
Doyoung is not destructive like that.
Definitely not.
Luckily Jaehyun is at work today. So he's free to be frustrated.
He rolls in bed, unable to take the heat anymore and kicks the duvet away.
He tries to message Taeyong, his lifetime bff from highschool. Cryptic and miserable:
Yo, dude. Im tired. We had that argument again.
And throws the phone away.
No even five minutes of staring at the wall, he grabs his phone again.
Not even a double blue tick.
That boy is so unreliable when it comes to messaging.
Next, he tries to message his childhood friend Johnny. This time with a bit more of dramatic flair...
Hey man! What do you do if youre the toxic one? Would you just run away?
There. That big teddy bear, hopefully will help him with his woes.
Neither of his friends reply. And he wallows even more. He is feeling very impulsive.
All he said was 'sat down and did some more work, arent I inspiring?'
To which Jaehyun replied the eyeroll emoji.
Right. He knew Doyoung has been struggling with motivation. Fruitless, inconclusive research does that to you. He has been feeling down and unsure about his topic for the best part of the month. Jaehyun knew all of this, and yet... eyeroll emoji?
An ugly ball of something destructive was forming at the pit of his stomach again.
'You know work has been hard for me and this stupid research has been giving me a head in. Im finally trying to be positive and doing something about it and what???? An eye roll emoji???'
Message sent.
Blue ticks.
Typing...
'Sorry Doie. I thought you were trying to get me back to uni again.'
'Well done on progress! Im sure you'll do great!'
Doyoung sighs, he just wants to leave. Its the same old rubbish.
He types, 'I have tried to motivate you for how long now, Ive given up. I just end up feeling guilty for trying. I end up being the bad guy. Im tired.'
Jaehyun leaves him on read.