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You would think being a god and stepping into a completely new world would make life easier but it was becoming more clear every day to Rose that she in fact did not know everything. A new world did not erase the past years of her life, nor the entirety of her childhood from her mind. She had three years on a meteor to think about her life, or avoid it with alcohol when she started to think a bit too much for her liking. But in her moments of sobriety she had long talks with Dave, seeing as he was her brother now and not just an online friend, she felt comforted in getting even closer to him. After many conversations he had eventually opened up about his upbringing, sad, lonely and unnecessarily violent but wholly unaware of that fact until he had seen how strange that was to other children. Rose, not one to compare herself to others often, did in this moment think about her childhood and thought “I could’ve had it so much worse, I should be grateful, I should love my Mother.”
“It’s not like you had it much better though the way you talk about it.” Dave said offhandedly trying to diffuse from his half hour vent about childhood trauma revelations. Rose taken aback “So are you the Seer now? Should I don a Knights cape and sword?” “haha, what?”. Rose leaned back and sighed, steadying herself for her possible spiel of parental woes. “I was just thinking about my Mother and how compared to your childhood I shouldn’t have taken her for granted like I did. I shouldn’t have hated her, still shouldn’t” “...you know that’s not how that works, you can’t ramble to me for hours on child psychology and healing trauma and about the conflicting feelings towards an abusive parent just to turn around and not take your own advice. At least apply some of what you read to yourself.” Rose was finding herself lost for words but mostly a little put on the spot, it seemed on the topic of her own issues she was not so well versed. “Dave, my mother wasn’t abusive.” He made a frustrated noise at her and continued “That’s not the point, my point is just cause she never hit you or starved you or did anything that would alarm CPS didn’t mean you didn’t go through a fucked up childhood too. I mean you grew up with what sounds like a completely distant alcoholic who couldn’t be bothered to even try and nurture you! You think it’s some mind game she played but it was neglect! I mean come on no one knows mind games better than us” He finished exasperated and then added “For someone that’s so smart and all seeing or whatever you can be kinda dumb sometimes.” Rose chuckled as she took in everything he said. He wasn’t wrong but it felt wrong to admit that maybe besides the alcohol her mother was less than stellar. “I may be dumb but when did you start getting so perceptive? Have you been speaking to Kanaya?” “You’re deflecting” “Yes. I am.” “So we’re not going to talk about your fucked up childhood cause you’ve deemed it not quite fucked up enough on the ‘Rose Lalonde’s Scale for Childhood Trauma’?” “No, at least not until I feel like talking about it. There’s so much I’m still unsure about when it comes to her.” Dave looked at her for a while before pulling her into a side hug. “You can’t play psychiatrist to everyone else and not let someone help you in return” Rose scoffed. “You mean psychologist or just say therapist if you’re going to be wrong.” He flicked her on the arm as a playful retort to her jab. “Same difference.” “Idiot.” She returned snidely but full of appreciation that she hoped he picked up on with his new talent of perception.
Years later but not many, in a new world with new friends and some old, Rose thought back to her conversation with Dave. She never had gotten to talk about her childhood on the meteor. When she mulled over her childhood, her mother, Roxy, how they were the same person but also completely different, she became a little overwhelmed to say the least. She didn’t know how to handle feeling about her mother about her Roxy, so she opted not to for a while. Alcohol was easier until it wasn’t for everyone else and by the time Vriska had stomped out that bad habit she had set everyone on task for beating Lord English. It was fine, reading and trying to hone her powers in the dream bubbles. She also found it, for lack of better words, illuminating to speak with another Light player. Vriska may have been a bit too loud and pushy for her liking but she respected her drive and her will to live, her capacity to keep it together. By the time they were deeper into their three year trip Rose was too focused on her relationship Kanaya and their imminent arrival to focus on the more complicated feelings about her childhood. She was marginally more happy than she had ever been before and she wasn’t going to ruin that over something that didn’t quite matter anymore to her. She met Roxy and it went well enough, well in the fact that Roxy was engaged and loved earnestly. When they fought and survived Rose couldn’t help but feel that Roxy had already decided she loved Rose and Dave and by association Kanaya and Karkat. What reason did Rose need to dig up old issues when this better version of her mother stood in front of her ready to love her. And yet it was so hard to call her mom. Rose pondered on this now, almost three years later from that expedition now at the age of 19. She was so adept at picking apart everyone around her, probably why Dirk avoided her in one on one conversation, yet she was so afraid to even sit on her feelings for more than a few moments. And now that everyone had settled more or less into domestic life her mind had also settled. There were no distractions to keep her from thinking about her mom anymore. She delved into the top surface of her troubles with Kanaya but never wanted to burden her no matter how much she insisted that Rose wasn’t. Rose considered that in reality it wasn’t the “burdening” or lack thereof it was the fact that Kanaya, even though she understood Rose’s upbringing, never really dealt with abuse. This wasn’t a bad thing, quite the opposite really, she just didn’t want pity or to make Kanaya worry too much. She can’t help but feel this is a conversation that was to be had with her brother.
Rose took secret glee in flying but didn’t show it much, and she didn’t do it often as she didn’t want to attract more civilian attention than needed. But it was past dinner time and if anyone did look up to the sky they probably wouldn’t spot her anyway as she gently breezed over to Dave and Karkat's secluded home nestled in a corner on the edge of the troll and carpacian kingdoms where some neighborhoods overlapped. Flying made her think of June, which made her think of Roxy and then her mom. She supposed it was good she was going to alleviate some of her repressed feelings, she hadn’t visited June in a while and wanted to have lunch with her friend without thinking about if she was acting strange when Roxy was around. By the time she had reached her destination she was already lost in thought with a to do list for when she got home of who to call and how to fill her planner. Maybe she could take a day to help in Jade’s new lab, she had been saying the venus fly traps were getting ‘larger than life’. She pushed her thoughts aside as she knocked on the door to have it open before her knuckles even touched the door. Dave swung the door open and smiled “Nice I timed your arrival perfectly” “Like you had any doubt in yourself” Rose smirked as she strode inside his quaint home. “Oh no I had no doubts but Karkat does. He thinks I sit outside the window waiting.” “Well do you?” Dave smiled at her again like he knew a joke she didn’t which meant he probably had some bet with Karkat at the moment. It was nice seeing him smile. He started smiling more at the end of the game but didn’t truly begin until he had proven to himself there were no more dangers. When there was no reason to hide what he was really feeling, there was no weakness in happiness anymore. She followed after him into the kitchen where Karkat was cleaning up dishes and listening to a political news cast in the background that seemed to be focusing on the issue of carpacians wanting a different monetary system from the rest of the kingdoms. She was glad her concern over the realness and “canon” of their timeline was short lived as she realized that was a different timelines issue. She saw glimpses from time to time in dreams and tried not to think too much about the implication of Jane and Karkat fighting and in some of them to the point of revolution. She was happy to see he had settled for being a podcast host and a spokesperson for the trolls on a council with representatives from all kingdoms and that there had been no need for revolution in this timeline and that Jane was actually going for a college education and not buying her way through. It would’ve been immature of them as gods to let their newly created life repeat the same mistakes as their ancestors on Earth. Even more immature as minorities that grew up hated in America to ignore similar issues in a new world just because it wasn’t happening to them. Rose was glad to see that they had created a more fair life, a more just one with an even playing field. But that wasn’t what she came to discuss, she noted mentally to muse over these thoughts with Karkat next time she visited. She and him said their hello’s and how are you’s, making small chat before Rose sat down into the cushioned alcove just outside of the dining room. It’s really a thing you’d find in an upper middle class suburban home built as a little place for kids to sit and play by the window. She wondered if the two boys had thought about that when constructing their home, subliminally preparing their home for children years in advance. She considered if Kanaya would like a little book nook in their library with a large paned window for the future. Dave peeked at her from over his shades “knock knock you in there? Or are you reading into something you shouldn’t be?” “What makes you say that?” “You just had this weird proud look on your face. Anyway, I hope you didn’t text me about a parental venting sesh just to avoid it.” Dave leaned back against the back of the alcove resting his head on the window. Rose relaxed a little too, “Well...I never did talk about my mom with you in great detail and it feels wrong doing it with anyone else. I didn’t want to when we were back on the meteor and then we were all so busy with trying to stay alive again and now busy with actually living.” She let herself pause wondering where she wanted to start when Dave started. “I’m here to listen like you always did for me, I don’t know if I can give in depth psych analysis but I can help in my own way.” She smiled “Thank you, that’s all I need really, a listener that understands a terse familiar relationship.” Mirroring Dave, she leaned back and crossed one leg over the other while he sat with his legged criss-cross. “I’m not entirely sure where to start, I think there’s a lot of guilt, for not loving her, for loving her the little bit that I did. But then I think of how unfair it was, I was a child, I shouldn’t have had to act out for her attention and even when I did it didn’t work.” Rose talked a little more with her hands as she picked up speed. “She was a blank wall that I couldn’t paint a new shade or break down or make a door to go through. That wasn’t my best metaphor but you get the point. She never opened up to me about anything! And I know she had stories, she had an interesting life. She knew Jade's grandpa, and I found photos in storage once, they were friends! They were close so it wasn’t like she was unable to do it; she just didn’t want to be close to me. I wonder if it’s because she knew about the game or if she just wasn’t good with kids.” Rose sighed, slowing down again taking a moment. ”I never mourned her, not really. I went grim, I destroyed in the name of avenging her but that wasn’t mourning and then I just pushed it all aside. I didn’t want to think, didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to justify crying real tears over a woman who for all purposes didn’t seem to love me.” Dave straightened up “I mourned my Bro, I didn’t cry when it happened but I cried a lot on the meteor with Kat and I’ve done a lot of mourning being around Dirk. He gets that I needed to move past my loss before I could accept him and I know Roxy would understand too, and the thing is no matter how shitty they were they were still the people that raised us. We don’t have to justify their actions, trust me I’ve tried figuring out why my Bro was like that for a while now. We just have to feel whatever comes pouring out and sometimes that’s grief even for those that hurt you.” Rose took it in, knowing it made sense but also knowing that it’s a truth that would have to settle into her reality over some time. They sat there quietly for a few minutes before she spoke up again. “I think the worst part was that I thought I was so mature when she would leave me alone for days at a time. Told myself it was because she trusted me to take care of myself. I was so little, I vividly remember being completely alone with Jaspers in that huge house watching cartoons late into the night. Some nights I’d binge watch all of our VHS movies when we still had a VHS player. I couldn’t have been older than 8. Who leaves an 8 year old home alone for days on end. It's astounding I ever learned to read but she cared enough to give me basics in language and math. Thankfully I craved knowledge and sought it out myself.” “It’s amazing how weird our vernacular was considering neither of us had a conventional education” Dave stated. Rose laughed reminiscing on how obtuse their vocabulary could get. They sounded like thesauruses at times.“That’s true but I wonder if we would’ve been prepared for the game if we had interacted with other children on a regular basis at schools. I think a sense of detachedness from the world you grew up in is key to surviving the game. You can’t well be mourning one planet when you're racing against time to make another.” “Hm. I guess that’s true… are you going to talk to Roxy about all this?” “Not right away, although I have been sitting on it for a while but better late than never right? I think I’ll figure out exactly what I want to say and talk to her in a few days. … Thank you.”She pondered on their conversation more while looking out the window. The sky was significantly darker by now and the stars so different from those she used to know start to emerge from the darkness. She wonders if all the trolls in their session were isolated from most of society like the kids were. Another thing to talk to Karkat about but probably another day, she wanted to head home to Kanaya and hold her. She turns from looking out the window to look at Dave instead. “I know I can be distant about this kind of stuff, I guess that’s the part of Dirk I got” they both laugh a little about their emotionally constipated predecessor, “but seriously thanks for being my brother.” Dave pulls her into a hug “Of course, I’d do anything for you, you’re my sister.” Rose hugged back tightly and smiled, feeling a tenseness in her chest that had built up since she had been born start to loosen.