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Love is fucking stupid, in Jaemin’s humble opinion. Honestly, who gives a shit about love? As great as people make it out to seem, all it ever ends in is heartbreak. Heartbreak, rejection, and suffering, that’s what love is.
But that’s not what he tells his professor, or Jeno for that matter, when they get paired up and given “love” as their topic for their final philosophy project. No, instead Jaemin smiles at Jeno and pretends to be excited because he knows for a fucking fact that Lee Jeno believes in love in all it’s forms and was secretly hoping to get it as his topic.
And of course, Jaemin would fake everything if it meant Jeno would be happy, because as much as he bashes love and relationships, he still managed to fall for his best friend.
Jaemin smacked his forehead on the library table in front of him, and groaned when the pain started radiating through his head. He covered it with his arms and pouted into the darkness of his sleeves. However, his pity party was interrupted by a rather annoying rhythm being tapped into his scalp.
“What the fuck do you want Donghyuck? I’m sulking.” Jaemin listened as Donghyuck sighed and dropped heavily down into the chair next to him. He buried his face deeper in his arms and internally made a note to move all the extra chairs away from his table next time.
“Yeah well, my stupid boyfriend is sulking too and I have no one to bother and I’m trying to procrastinate.” Donghyuck wiggled his hand under Jaemin’s chin and forced him to look at him, ugly smirk and all. “Procrastinate with me?”
Jaemin groaned and dropped his head back after trying to bite his friend’s fingers to no avail. “Fine. I wasn’t really doing anything anyway.”
Donghyuck clapped and giggled like a six year old girl who was just handed an ice cream cone. “Yay! You’re the best Jaemin.”
Jaemin hit his head on the table again in response.
“Ah, I see.” Donghyuck patted Jaemin’s back condescendingly. “You’re pining over Jeno but you’re angry because you’re stupid and you think love is horrible and you can’t admit your feelings to him because you’re afraid of rejection. Oh, and you got partnered for your final project and you got stuck with researching love.”
Jaemin flipped his head to face Donghyuck, still resting it on his arms. “How the fuck do you know that?”
Donghyuck shrugged wide eyed and pulled a chocolate bar out of his backpack. “Jeno tells me lots of things because your head is too far up your ass for you to listen to him without wanting to jump his --”
Jaemin shot up and slapped a hand over his friend’s mouth. “I will never talk to you again.”
Donghyuck licked his fingers, causing Jaemin to hyperventilate and wave his hand around like it just got burned. Donghyuck just told him to ‘shut up, we’re in the library’ and continued opening his chocolate bar. When Jaemin finally calmed down, Donghyuck threw him one too. “I brought you snacks for your pining party, you’re welcome.”
“You licked my fucking hand!” Jaemin hissed.
“Oh, don’t lie to me. You fucking love it.”
Jaemin inhaled heavily but took the proffered chocolate and quickly unwrapped it. “Context makes a difference dumbass.”
Donghyuck just giggled and put his feet up on the table. “So. Let's talk about Jeno.”
Jaemin shoved his candy bar in his mouth and shook his head profusely. “Fuck you, no.”
Donghyuck sighed and threw his hands in the air for ‘the dramatic effect’ as he had once explained it. “I’m trying to help you, okay? There’s no way in hell you’re going to survive talking about love with Jeno without wanting to fuck him. Hey, don’t look at me like that, you know it’s true!”
Jaemin stared dejectedly at the ground and leaned back in his chair. “Well, what the fuck am I suppossed to do? I just wanted to live the rest of life ignoring my feelings and never confess to him, but apparently the universe hates me.”
Donghyuck snorted and pulled out his phone, opening Minecraft. “First of all, play Minecraft with me because I spent the last two hours building an underground fortress and it's sick. Second of all, it's not that hard to confess. I mean, you know Jeno isn’t going to reject you, right?”
Jaemin grumbled and pulled out his phone, following Donghyuck’s instruction. “I know that, dumbass. But I still don’t want to do it. Holy shit, wow, I thought you were lying but that is really sick.” Jaemin’s Minecraft avatar stood at the entrance to his friend’s fortress on their shared world. Honestly, he would never admit it, but Donghyuck was kind of a Minecraft legend.
Donghyuck bowed awkwardly in his chair. “Thank you. The D I will be receiving on my finals will be worth it. But anyway, if you know Jeno won’t reject you, and you know that he’s basically head-over-heels for you too, why are you so fucking afraid of telling him?”
“He might not reject me in the beginning but --” Jaemin cut himself off, groaning in frustration and hoping that Donghyuck would just let him drop it.
“But?”
Of course not.
“He’ll end up regretting it later on. And then we’ll break up and our relationship will be ruined and I’ll have to spend more time with you and I really don’t want to do that.”
Donghyuck made a face at him and kicked him in the thigh. “Bitch. I am enjoyable. People like to spend time with me.”
Jaemin rubbed his thigh and pouted. “Keep telling yourself that.”
“Do you want me to kick you again?”
Jaemin curled in on himself and tried to look pitiful. “Please don’t.”
“That’s what I thought.” Donghyuck relaxed again, and went back to digging out the floor of one of his underground rooms. “Also, breaking up doesn’t necessarily have to ruin a relationship. Honestly dude, you dated me for a whole year and then we broke up and now we’re playing Minecraft together and talking about other guys.”
Jaemin bit his lip and watched Donghyuck’s avatar through the screen intently. “I mean, I guess. But I don't know, I feel like it’s different with Jeno.”
Donghyuck sighed and placed his phone down on the library table. “I can’t believe I’m putting my garden on hold for you. Listen --”
Jaemin cut him off with a wave of his hand. “I’m sorry, a garden? You know you’re underground right? How the fuck are the plants going to get sunlight?”
Donghyuck paused, thinking and then nodded defeatedly. “Fuck. I didn’t think about that. Whatever, I’ll use this as a swimming pool or some shit. Can we focus on the important topic now?”
Jaemin sighed, but put his phone down nonetheless. “If we have to.”
“We do.” Donghyuck said before pulling his feet off the table and dropping them down to face Jaemin. “It’s different with Jeno because you’re actually in love with him. Listen, don’t get me wrong. We were good together. We loved each other, blah blah blah. The sex was great!” Jaemin slapped Donghyuck’s knee. “Right, sorry. Irrelevant. It’s just that Mark has been really busy because he’s a nerd and he spends every waking moment studying and I haven’t gotten laid in like two weeks, but we can discuss that later. You love Jeno. You loved Jeno when we were dating and that’s why it didn’t work out.”
Jaemin scrunched his eyebrows and cocked his head to the side. “I didn’t love Jeno when we were together.”
Donghyuck raised his eyebrows and crossed his arms skeptically. “You’ve loved Jeno since the beginning of time. Don’t lie to me, you’re not going to hurt my feelings. It was obvious then, and it’s even more painfully obvious now.”
Donghyuck stopped and placed his hands on Jaemin’s knees. “Jaem, sweetie. You and Jeno are perfect for each other. Use this goddamn project as a way to confess to him. It’s not that hard, he loves you too.”
Jaemin was almost about to sigh in defeat and thank Donghyuck for his rare moment of wisdom when the older’s phone started ringing. Donghyuck popped up to check who it was and then jumped up, showing Jaemin the screen with Mark's name and like 300 heart emojis. He quickly threw his bag over his shoulder and grinned. “Listen, I’m gonna go get laid. Just, confess to Jeno okay? It’ll be great.”
Jaemin sighed, watching as Donghyuck practically sprinted out of the building and then turned back to his phone and Minecraft and tried to bury his feelings in the ground with Donghyuck’s garden.
Jaemin was avoiding Jeno. At first it was basically unintentional and harmless, just sprinting in the opposite direction every time his best friend was in his vicinity. Then it became purposeful, pretending he hadn’t read Jeno’s texts and ignoring the fact that he was trying to get him to meet up and work on the project.
His fucking head hurt from all the thinking he had been doing lately, and he was sick of it. He wanted Jeno out of his head, or maybe he wanted him in it? He didn’t know, he just wanted a break from his internal debating.
Everytime he had opened the powerpoint that Jeno had started for them, he had practically thrown up. Love was too much for his young brain, and he didn’t want to deal with it anymore. Honestly, he hadn’t even looked at the assignment sheet yet because he physically couldn’t without thinking of Jeno and how nice it would be to hold his hand and cuddle with him and --
Jaemin rolled over on his bed and groaned.
His roommate, Renjun, scoffed from the other side of their dorm. “Are you still pining after your project partner?”
Jaemin shot him a glare. “Shut the fuck up, okay? I’m having a hard time here.”
Renjun mumbled something under his breath that Jaemin was pretty sure he was glad he hadn’t heard. However, he did hear the older getting off his bed and walking over to Jaemin’s. Renjun pushed him over a little and then the bed dipped on his side. Jaemin brought his head out of the pillow to ask Renjun what the hell he was doing, but his roommate cut him off before he could even ask.
“Give me your phone.”
Jaemin scoffed. “Hell no.”
Renjun sighed and rubbed his palms over his eyes. “Don’t you trust me?”
Jaemin kicked his feet against his mattress like a toddler throwing a tantrum but retrieved his phone from under the pillow nevertheless. He punched in the passcode and handed it to Renjun who smiled at him happily. Renjun hummed something under his breath while he presumably dug through Jaemin’s phone and typed something revealing and embarrassing to someone. Jaemin was almost going to protest and try to see, but Renjun always won their arguments and he didn’t really feel like trying. Happy with himself, Renjun clicked Jaemin’s phone off and handed it back to him before getting up again and starting to throw things into his backpack.
Jaemin watched curiously, propping himself up on an elbow and laying on his side. “Going somewhere?”
Renjun nodded, closing his laptop and stuffing it in the bag. “Yukhei’s. I invited Jeno over here to work on your project for you, and as much as I want to know what happens, I don’t want to be here for it.”
Jaemin shrieked and sat up immediately. “Im sorry, you did fucking what?”
Renjun sighed and stopped moving momentarily to send Jaemin one of his trademark ‘dont fuck with me’ glances. “I invited Jeno over for you because that project is due soon and the poor kid has been doing it all by himself because his best friend is emotionally unstable and can’t handle his overwhelming feelings for him. Fucking do the damn project, confess and get yourself laid. Just, not on my bed.”
And just like that, Renjun was marching out of the dorm completely unbothered and Jaemin was quickly spiralling into panic mode, throwing himself out of bed and scrambling around the room to make himself look presentable. He couldn’t believe Renjun had done this to him, but he knew for sure he was going to pay. Honestly, what the fuck was with his friends lately? Why couldn’t he just pine in peace?
Jaemin stared into the mirror and sighed. Should he change? No. Probably not. You don’t change into nice clothes for what’s supposed to be a study date not a confession session. Jaemin sighed and dropped his head into his palms, rubbing at his eyes. Fuck Renjun.
The knock at his door quickly dragged him out of his murderous thoughts. Instead his heart sped up and his stomach churned and that stupid lovesick feeling washed over him when Jeno’s voice called for him. (Internally, he was thinking how nice it would be to hear what other sounds Jeno could make with his pretty voice, but that's neither here nor there.)
Jaemin nervously walked to the door, hand outstretched but not turning the knob. Should he wait to not seem desperate? They’re supposed to be working on their philosophy project though, so maybe he should open it early to not seem rude? Jaemin mentally punched himself in the gonads. He had never been awkward around Jeno in all the years they had known each other. Jeno didn’t give a fuck about door timing. Trying to conceal his nerves, Jaemin shakily turned the knob and casually smiled at his best friends fucking beautiful face.
Jeno looked gorgeous despite the obvious lack of effort he had put into his appearance. His hair was mussed and messy, his face was tired and he had dark circles under his eyes and Jaemin was pretty sure that he was still wearing the same outfit he had three days ago. The stupid fucking round glasses sitting on his nose and the smile that made his eyes turn into cresents distracted from everything though. Jaemin resisted the urge to coo and aggressively kiss him.
“Hey.” Jeno said, bringing Jaemin out of sex-fantasy land. “I brought snacks because I haven’t eaten in like two days and I hate that you literally only have Fruit Loops here.”
Immediately, Jaemin relaxed. Jeno was still just Jeno, dumb and annoying even if he was incredibily attractive and the current source of Jaemin’s daily jerk off.
“Um, fuck you. Fruit Loops are delicious and I happily eat them for every meal.” Jaemin defended himself as he pulled Jeno in by the wrist and shut the door.
Jeno plopped himself down on Jaemin’s bed and started pulling things out of his backpack and setting them up around him. Jaemin watched, sitting on the opposite side and stealing a bag of chips to which Jeno scowled. “Rude.”
Jaemin shrugged and put his legs out, resting his feet on Jeno’s thigh. Practically unconsciously, Jeno pulled Jaemin closer by his socked feet and squeezed his ankle over his sweatpants while plugging in his laptop. Jaemin’s heart picked up again, nearing collapse levels. The older didn’t notice though, just pulled a paper out of his folder and threw it at Jaemin.
“I know for a fact you haven’t even looked at this yet.” Jeno answered in response to Jaemin’s questioning look. When the younger started sputtering and trying to defend himself, Jeno just laughed, pushed his glasses up a little and rubbed his thumb over the bone on Jaemin’s ankle. “Don’t even try to lie to me. You’ve been avoiding me for days, dumbass. We’ve known each other since kindergarten and you can’t keep anything from me.”
Jaemin internally grimaced, knowing just how wrong his friend was, but he sighed and gave in anyway, reading over the assignment sheet. The project was pretty simple in all honesty, they just had to come up with a unique thesis or opinion on what their topic was and meant and then support it using a powerpoint. The difficult part was supposed to be choosing an angle to attack it from.
Jaemin sighed and put the paper down next to him, returning to his bag of chips. “How the fuck are we supposed to come up with a thesis about love?” He ignored the near painful churning in his stomach as he said it and Jeno made eye contact with him.
“Nana, this is honestly the easiest topic. You can’t go wrong with an opinion about love.”
Jaemin blushed furiously and almost choked on his chip. Jeno eyed him carefully but decided not to bother with asking and instead turned his computer screen so both of them could see it and write. “We should talk about it first before we jump into writing anything.”
God, that’s so Jeno. Be prepared, make a plan and discuss the most embarrassing and horrifying topic on the planet. But, he knew the older was right. “Yeah. I guess so.”
Jeno waited, clearly hoping Jaemin would have something to say without prompting, but the younger feigned ignorance and refused. Sighing, Jeno gave in. “Fine. Can you at least answer questions?”
Jaemin smiled cheekily at Jeno and nodded before dropping himself completely onto his back and throwing more of his legs over Jeno’s thigh. Jeno huffed, but made no move to stop him, switching from Jaemin’s ankle to right above his knee and pulling his leg closer to his torso. “Okay, well, what do you think love is? Like if you had to explain it to someone, how would you?”
Jaemin groaned uncomfortably. “I mean, I don’t know. I’m not all that positive towards it I guess.”
Jeno hummed and leaned back against the wall behind Jaemin’s bed, adjusting the younger’s legs once again. “That’s okay. Just tell me, dumbass.”
Jaemin flipped him off before continuing. “Well, doesn’t it usually just end up sucking? Like you think it’s going to be so great in the beginning and everything is just peachy and then all of a sudden the real world comes crashing down around you.”
“Wow, you really are negative.”
Jaemin licked salt off his fingers and offered Jeno the bag, which he took gladly. “I guess so. I don’t want to be but it just feels more practical to avoid all the fighting and yelling and eventual downfall that seems to always happen in relationships.”
Jeno’s fingers tightened minutely on his thigh and Jaemin saw him deflate out of the corner of his eye. Why the fuck would Jeno care if Jaemin was interesting in dating or not? Unless… but Jaemin couldn’t think about that right now, not without bursting a capillary. Jeno took it from there. “It doesn’t always have to happen like that, Nana. I mean, people get married for a reason, because they love each other and they want to spend the rest of their lives together. Love can be a good thing more often than not.”
Jaemin shrugged. “My parents got divorced when I was two and then tried to share their hatred of each other with me for the next 17 or so years, so I don’t know. Love never really seemed tangible to me. Like, even if you love someone enough to want to marry them, it can still go downhill.” Jaemin stole the chips back. “Maybe it's a product-of-your-environment type deal.”
Jeno hummed and reached over Jaemin’s legs to write it down on his laptop. “I guess I never thought about it that way. But why wouldn’t it be, if so many other habits and beliefs are. That's a good idea, Jaem.”
Jaemin smirked and waved his arm in a fancy bow. “Thanks, I try.”
Jeno rolled his eyes. “Whatever, loser. Anyway, if we’re going off the idea that views on love are consequences of childhood environment, wouldn’t it make sense to say that what you know when you're young is what you practice when you're older?”
Jaemin’s heart clenched and he closed his eyes, trying to get over the fact that Jeno had just unintentionally called out one of his biggest fears. The last thing he wanted to do was end up like his parents, miserable, fighting and trying to convince his child that the person he had once loved was a terrible human being. He had gotten there with Donghyuck before in high school their senior year. Honestly, it wasn’t even a big deal that started it all off but they quickly figured out just how easy it was to snowball something small into something that was worth breaking up over. Jaemin remembered crying for days over hurting Donghyuck, buried in the comfort of Jeno’s bed and he never wanted to repeat that feeling and see that look in someone else’s eyes. Especially not Jeno’s.
Jeno noticed the pause Jaemin took, eyes closed and body frozen in place as if he was trying to make himself disappear. “Jaem? Hey, what’s wrong?”
Jaemin blinked his eyes open slowly, avoiding the heat of Jeno’s concerned gaze and staring up at the ceiling instead. “Nothing. Sorry, nothing.”
Jeno was having none of that. The older boy squeezed Jaemin’s thigh and shook it lightly. “Jaemin, you can’t lie to me. I can see right through you.”
Jaemin sighed but didn’t move his gaze away from the ceiling. He pulled the sleeves of his sweatshirt over his hands nervously. “I hate that you can tell when I’m lying.”
Jeno chuckled softly but didn’t say anything else, waiting for Jaemin to take the lead. “What you said is right. You know, what you learn in childhood is what you’ll repeat when you’re older and love is a part of that. I just, I’m… I’m afraid of ending up like my parents. I mean, you saw how Donghyuck and I ended up and that sucked and I never want to do that to someone again.”
Jeno leaned forward and grabbed Jaemin’s chin, forcing him to look him in the eyes. “You’re not like your parents. You don’t have to be. Just because you learned something one way doesn’t mean you can’t relearn it another.” Jeno dropped his hand and moved it to play with the hem of Jaemin’s sweatshirt. “You and Donghyuck ended badly, I’ll give you that. But look where you are now. You’re not going around actively trying to get people to hate him or avoiding him like the plague. You have a fucking Minecraft server together and you hang out like everyday.”
Jaemin rubbed his eyes and sucked on his tongue. “I guess.”
Jeno smoothed a hand down Jaemin’s thigh. “What I’m trying to say, Nana, is that you’ve already proven that you aren’t like your parents. Your break up was messy but you fixed it, and you’re friends now. You’re capable of breaking the pattern, you don’t have to be afraid of love all together.”
Jaemin’s heart swelled uncontrollably. Jeno was always so good with emotions, always knew the right thing to say. Maybe he was being over the top. If love didn’t have to be painful, Jaemin’s world just got a whole lot better. “Thanks Jen. You’re the best.”
Jeno smiled happily and playfully slapped Jaemin’s knee. “I know. You’re not wrong though, in the sense that love can be complicated. It's abstract, you know? Like it means so much to one person and nothing to someone else.”
Jaemin hummed. “Especially with like fuck buddies and shit. Like, doesn’t partial love and leading someone on like that go against some moral or ethical code?”
“Probably. But then you could get into different views of it. Like, is love emotional, or is it really all just physical? Should we even bother to complicate beyond sex?”
Jaemin scoffed and propped himself up on his elbows. “You think about this a lot, don’t you.”
Jeno scratched the back of his neck shyly. “I wouldn’t say a lot, but I find it interesting.”
Jaemin smiled and dropped his head back to stare at the ceiling. “You said this project was easy, but the more I think about it, the more complicated love gets.”
Jeno shook his head and frowned. “I don’t think so actually. Honestly, the more questions you ask the more simple it becomes.”
Jaemin cocked his head to the side in curiosity. “How do you get that?”
Jeno shrugged and waved his hands around searching for the right wording. “Well, you’re right. Don’t get me wrong, love is conceptually complicated and irrational. You can’t really define it outright or describe it rationally. So I guess my question is, why bother?”
Jaemin was taken aback, he wiggled his toes in confusion. “What do you mean, why bother? Isn’t this like your favorite subject to figure out?”
Jeno reached for one of Jaemin’s still sweatshirt-covered hands and began to play with the cuff of it, brushing his fingers accidentally over the younger’s knuckles. “It just gets to a point where tring to condense and define it only serves to make it more complex. So, once you’ve reached that point it makes more sense to figure it out physically than it does to continue emotionally.”
Jaemin raised his eyebrows in confusion. “I’m sorry, are we talking about sex now?”
Jeno laughed and ran a hand through his messy hair. “No, by physical I mean in a human nature type of standpoint and emotional in the philosophical way.” Seeing the confused look still resting on the younger’s face, Jeno continued, trying to make sense of his thoughts. “Just, like, in philosophy we search for an understanding of what it means to be in love and what love is and why we fall in love. But the whole time that we’re trying to make sense of it, we’re passing over the obvious reason.”
Jeno picked at the cuff of Jaemin’s sleeve, pulling his arm up with it. Every touch of the older’s fingers over his knuckles was driving him crazy. Jeno was pretending like he didn’t want to hold Jaemin’s hand, and as much as Jeno could see through Jaemin, Jaemin could see through Jeno. So, confident in his apprehension, Jaemin grew momentary balls and called Jeno out. “Just hold my fucking hand already, God.”
Jeno’s face flushed pink and he bit his lip through his smile. His voice was small when he spoke again, shy. “Sorry.”
It made Jaemin blush too, turning the same color as his friend. “S’okay.”
Jeno stopped hesitating then, and pushed the sleeve off Jaemin’s hand to trace lines over his palm and play with his fingers for real. Jaemin was pretty sure he was going to throw up from the overwhelming amount of butterflies attacking his stomach and trying to climb up his esophagus. Jeno looked happy though, content to press their palms together and compare their size silently while he continued with his explanation. “Anyway, the obvious reason. It’s human nature, if you think about it. Looking all the way back through history, humans have always gravitated towards each other. We don’t want to be alone. If you go at it from the evolutionary angle people came together for protection and comfort. Hell, you could look at it from the biblical angle too and Adam and Eve were put on earth together for the same reasons. So, isn’t that what love is? A search for protection, comfort, connection and as time goes on, beauty and passion. It’s as simple as that really. Love is primal in the sense that everyone wants it in one way or another.”
Jaemin exhaled quietly and squeezed Jeno’s fingers. “Holy fuck, Aristotle. That was beautiful.”
Jeno just laughed softly and dropped his head back against the wall. “Thanks. It took me a while to figure it out but that’s all love is, really. Well, at least in my opinion. Just a connection between two people who see beauty and comfort in each other. Which is why I’ve never really understood how people can hate on that.”
Jaemin scrunched his face up and tapped his ankles together in Jeno’s lap. “What do you mean?”
Jeno shook his head and smiled. “Not to show my inner blue-haired lesbian liberal, but I just don’t understand how people can hate gays or lesbians or any kind of people for who they love and who their attracted to when it’s all the same for everyone at the root level.”
Jaemin smiled and stared up at the ceiling, mindlessly pulling on Jeno’s fingers again.
Jeno hummed. “I just don’t get it. We over complicate the fuck out of love and we blow it so far out of proportion that we’ve managed to start judging people for a basic human need. It's not a big deal to want to fall in love with someone and have someone to confide in and be with when you need them. Honestly, it’s probably the simplest thing in the world to have feelings for someone.”
Jaemin gulped down the lump that made its way up his throat at Jeno’s words. He was right. It was so easy, so simple and so completely normal to fall in love. To fall in love with bright smiles, contagious laughs, the sound of a voice, the feeling of warm arms around you when you’re not feeling good. God, it was so easy to fall in love with Lee Jeno, and so easy to admit it. Jaemin had been blowing everything way out of proportion. Love wasn’t complicated, it was the simplest thing in the world. The most basic emotional need, and yet Jaemin had been treating it like admitting it would put him in his grave. He didn’t have to be so afraid of it any more. Not when Jeno was there explaining it to him, telling him it was normal and completely okay and reassuring him that it doesn’t have to end badly. That it doesn't have to end at all.
Jaemin sat up, pulling his feet out of Jeno’s lap and shoving all of Jeno’s things out of the way. The older made a noise of confusion, but let him move everything. Jaemin sat on his knees in front of Jeno’s crossed legs on the bed, and placed his palms on his thighs. He shook his head and laughed quietly, grinning from ear to ear and ignoring the pounding of his heart and the way he was shaking all over.
“You’re right.” He said softly, still smiling. Jeno looked confused as ever, eyebrows raised and hands shifting awkwardly in his lap. “God, you’re so right, Jeno, and I can’t believe it took me this long to understand. Love isn’t a big deal but I’ve been blowing it out of proportion since senior year and my break up with Donghyuck.”
Jeno opened his mouth to say something, eyes wide and nose scrunched, but Jaemin put a hand over his mouth to stop him. “Just, let me finish, because if I don’t say this now, if I don’t do this now. I never will and I’ll live my whole life regretting it.”
Jeno stilled, flitting his eyes to the side before meeting Jaemin’s again and nodded. The younger removed his hand and sucked in a breath before finishing. “Jeno, I’m in love with you. I’ve probably been in love with you since the day we met but I figured it out senior year. That’s mostly why me and Hyuck broke up. Because, I was so fucking in love with you I forgot that I was supposed to be in love with him. It took me this long to say it because I was scared. Honestly, I still am. I’m terrified right now because I don’t want to fuck up what we have but I can’t pretend like I don’t want more. I do. I want you, Lee Jeno, and I’m fucking head-over-heels for you.”
When Jaemin finished speaking, Jeno paused, staring at him with something unreadable in his eyes. He made no moves to respond and Jaemin started panicking again, worrying that he had just royally fucked up. He backed away a little, dropping his gaze and opening his mouth to apologize or say something, anything to break the silence. But, as soon as he began, Jeno was surging forward, pulling him up by the chin and cradling his face to kiss him.
In shock, Jaemin froze, his heart either pounding at the speed of light or not working at all. He couldn’t tell, and honestly, it didn’t matter. His brain was short circuiting, his hands hanging limp in his lap unsure of what to do. He couldn’t close his eyes either, even though he knew it was weird to stare at Jeno’s eyelashes through the glasses. Eventually, Jeno pulled himself away, his hands never leaving Jaemin’s cheeks. The older smiled softly, head cocked to the side and rubbed his thumb under Jaemin’s eye.
“What --”
Jeno didn’t even let him finish the thought, leaning in again and swallowing the undignified sound Jaemin made. “Shut up and kiss me back, loser.”
Jaemin laughed against his best friend’s lips and listened, finally letting his eyes close and his hands come up to thread through the hair at the nape of Jeno’s neck. Jeno dropped a hand to the younger’s waist and dragged him closer. The feeling of Jeno’s big hands on him made Jaemin burn up on the inside, and he wanted more, wanted to melt in Jeno’s grasp. So he let himself get pulled in, gave in when Jeno licked over his bottom lip and into his mouth, let out a whimper when Jeno dug his thumb just under his ribs.
Jeno smirked against him, chuckled and pulled back just enough to take off his glasses and rest his forehead against Jaemin’s. Jeno was even prettier up close, lips red and beginning to swell around his face splitting smile, eyes wide and shining.
“Fuck, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.” Jeno mumbled, closing his eyes softly and panting against the younger’s skin. “You’re so fucking pretty, Jaem, holy shit, I should’ve kissed you in highschool.”
Jaemin laughed and leaned into the older boy, taking his hand and brushing his thumb over his knuckles. “S’okay. You can make up for it now.”
Jeno raised his eyebrows against Jaemin’s forehead and pulled back a little further to glance down Jaemin’s body hungrily. “Mm. Yeah?”
Jaemin nodded, following the older’s gaze and then, in his second streak of momentary braveness, pulled his sweatshirt over his head. “Yes please.”
Jeno exhaled loudly and reached a tentative hand up to stroke over the muscle of Jaemin’s stomach. His gaze quickly shot back up to Jaemin and he was met with lidded eyes and want. “How far?”
Jaemin blushed and shook his head, grabbing Jeno’s wrist and pulling it up higher on his chest before pressing his palm down against his nipple. “Doesn’t matter. I just wanna be with you, please.”
Jeno grinned and leaned back in, pressing a chaste kiss to Jaemin’s mouth before trailing his lips across his jaw and down his neck. “Fuck, I love you so much, Jaemin.”
And suddenly, Jaemin was on his back, laptop and other school materials shoved to the ground haphazardly and Jeno was on top of him, pressing against him and trailing hickies over his skin. Jeno bit more than expected, but Jaemin was not one to complain. The older dug his teeth into the skin under his collarbone, the skin between his ribs, lower and then back up again to press a kiss that was mostly a smile against Jaemin’s cheek. The younger fucking giggled and pressed the heel of his hand against his forehead. His head was spinning on its axis, still in disbelief that Jeno -- Lee Jeno, his best friend since fucking kindergarten -- was currently sucking hickies into his torso.
“You’re thinking too much.” Jeno mumbled, sitting up and pulling his shirt over his head. “I don’t like it.”
Jaemin hummed, not really focusing on Jeno’s words as much as his abs. Of course, he had seen Jeno naked before in a number of strange and ridiculous situations, but context made a difference. Laying beneath Jeno and watching him take his shirt off was so much better than witnessing Jeno accidentally spill gasoline on his shirt and have to rip it off before their campfire caught him on fire.
“Sorry. Can’t help it. I always overthink things.” Jaemin muttered, trailing his fingertips over the definition on the older’s stomach. Jeno laughed softly and caught Jaemin’s wandering fingers with his own.
“If it makes you feel any better, I can’t stop thinking about it either.” Jaemin bit his lip and glanced up to meet Jeno’s eyes at his words. “Really. Here,” Jeno brought their hands up to where his heart was. “I’m pretty sure I died or something it’s beating so fast.”
He wasn’t lying. Jeno’s heart was pounding at an almost concerning rate, but he couldn’t really judge him for it -- his was the same. Jaemin didn’t respond, just shot Jeno a cheeky grin before sitting up and stealing a kiss. Jaemin dragged his hands down the older’s sides, making him shiver. He smirked into Jeno’s lips but the older just growled and gripped his waist tight enough to leave bruises. Jaemin fucking whimpered.
“I always win, Nana.” Jeno mumbled, biting the younger’s bottom lip.
Jaemin huffed. “You’ve never had sex with me dumbass.”
“And that matters?”
“It’ll change your mind.”
Then, Jaemin dipped his fingers under the waistband of Jeno’s sweatpants, knowing that he (disgustingly) refused to wear fucking underwear with them. He gripped the base of Jeno’s dick tightly, stroking up and down once just to prove his point. Jeno’s fingers dug impossibly deeper into his waist as he let out a moan and dropped his forehead to the younger’s shoulder. Jaemin chuckled against the skin of Jeno’s neck and repeated his actions until Jeno was hissing under his fingers. Jeno loosened his grip on his friend’s waist in favor of sliding his hand into Jaemin’s pants as well. The younger inhaled sharply and leaned heavily against Jeno, stilling his hand on his cock.
Jeno stopped for a moment, sitting up enough to shove his sweatpants down his thighs before reaching for Jaemin and helping him do the same. Sitting there on Jaemin’s bed in the dorm he shared with the door that didn’t really lock anymore, exposed and panting from literally jerking each other off, the realization dawned on Jeno. “Oh my God.”
Jaemin drew his gaze away from Jeno’s fantastic, incredible cock to see his best friend’s red face buried in his hands. Jaemin reached up and pulled his palms away to see a fucking nevous looking Jeno. “Jen? What’s wrong?”
Jeno snapped his head up to look Jaemin in the eyes. “Oh God, nothing. Nothing is wrong at all, ever, just, wow. Sorry, I just realized that I’m jerking off my best friend slash big ass crush for a literal decade.”
Jaemin threw his head back and laughed. “You’re such a dumbass. Don’t make it weird, just go back to actually, um, doing it and make me feel good.”
Jeno’s eyes darkened and the red color covering his entire face started to fade from holy-shit-I’m-nervous to sexy-as-fuck. He nodded and pulled Jaemin close again, close enough to be able to fit their dicks in one of his hands. Jaemin groaned and leaned against him, hands on the others shoulders to hold himself up, and rolled his hips experimentally.
The slide was dry for the most part, but Jaemin didn’t mind. Jeno’s warm hand on his dick felt like a fucking dream. The older swiped his thumb over the head and dragged it down their cocks, spreading precum down the shafts. Jaemin whimpered, nails digging into Jeno’s shoulders. He glanced up from the sight between his legs to see Jeno looking positively sinful. His hair was matted to his forehead, his skin covered in a sheen of sweat, his eyes blown wide and mouth dropped open in quiet whines.
Jaemin leaned in and Jeno quickly took the hint, kissing him back. The younger licked into his mouth hungrily, his pants swallowed up in their kiss. Jeno kissed him like he couldn’t get enough, working his hand faster and rolling his hips into Jaemin’s.
Slowly, Jaemin felt heat building in the pit of his stomach and he lost control of his voice, wanton moans spilling from his lips. Jeno wasn’t any better off, desperation pouring out of his mouth in the form of pretty praises. He pressed his thumb into the slit of Jaemin’s dick and the younger gasped, legs shaking.
“Fuck, Jen, I’m gonna cum.”
Jeno smiled and repeated his action. “Me too. Go ahead, baby.”
Jaemin bit his lip as the coil began to snap. “Call me that again.”
Jeno laughed breathlessly, his hand beginning to stutter. “Mm. My baby.”
Jaemin inhaled sharply, his exhale coming out as a broken moan and spilled over Jeno’s hand. He dropped his head onto the older’s shoulder, trying and failing to catch his breath as Jeno quickly followed suit. Jaemin was panting heavily, leaning all his weight against Jeno. His legs were numb from the way he was kneeling and his whole body was shaking.
Jeno giggled against his ear and rubbed his not-soiled hand across the expanse of his back. “You feeling okay?”
Jaemin hummed and pulled Jeno closer. “So good. But I’m pretty sure I’ll fall over if I move.”
Jeno pressed a kiss under Jaemin’s ear. “I’ll take care of you, loser.”
Jaemin closed his eyes and let Jeno lay him back on the pillows and unfold his legs. “You know, I liked baby better.”
Jeno laughed again, brushing Jaemin’s chest with a hand while reaching for the tissues the younger had on the nightstand and wiping off the dirtied one. He dropped the tissue on the floor with a shrug to himself and then grabbed more and cleaned up the mess on both their stomachs. Jaemin’s eyes were still closed, his cheeks flushed and mouth parted, his tongue darting out to swipe across his lips. The sight made Jeno’s heart clench needily and he smiled before reaching down and pulling their pants back up. With a few mumbled instructions he managed to redress Jaemin and then himself and lay down next to the younger. He pulled Jaemin’s sheets over their bodies and then pulled the boy into his chest, Jaemin’s face pressed into his skin and their legs tangled together as they lay on their sides.
“You are so fucking beautiful, Jaemin.” He murmured into the boy’s hair. “I really do love you.”
Jaemin smiled against Jeno’s chest. “Me too.”
The younger curled into his friend, the word running through his mind distastefully. He knew now that they couldn’t ever be just friends again (hoped they never would be) and he couldn’t let himself fall asleep without making it official. “We’re dating now. You can’t say no.”
Jeno laughed, his voice cracking as he ran his hands over Jaemin’s back soothingly. “No shit. Obviously we’re dating now. You’re all mine, baby.”
As Jaemin closed his eyes, pleasure and comfort radiating throughout his body he thought maybe everyone had been right. Donghyuck, as mean as he was, had been right in telling him to man the fuck up. Renjun had done the right thing when he texted Jeno from his phone. Jeno had been right that love didn’t have to be hard, that love could be simple and easy and wonderful. He smiled to himself, burying his face deeper into his now boyfriend’s chest and fell asleep, basking in the feeling of knowing he was loved.