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Sejun was straddling Seungsik for what seemed like the hundredth time. Seungsik was laying on his back in the grass, and Sejun looked down at him with everything including the stars in his eye, Seungsik looking back up in the same way. His eyes could illuminate the entire Earth if the Moon were to cease its existence. Sejun knew that was dumb, and that some stupid scientific explanation wouldn’t allow for the moon to just die out without any consequence, but that was the best description.
He reached out, moving some hair out of the older’s face and slowly leaned down to give a quick peck to his forehead. Seungsik was a little surprised by it, cocking his head to the side but splaying almost an invisible smile across the corners of his lips. You would think the fact that Sejun was sitting on top of him would’ve been the issue, but they always found themselves like this. Sejun couldn't explain it in a way that would make sense to anyone else, but it all felt safe, normal . Sejun needed normal in this world and he knew Seungsik wanted the same. Even if he didn’t let that be known, all of this was obviously something that he liked too.
Seungsik let slip a nervous laugh, asking Sejun why he had done it, getting only a smile in response. Sejun shrugging because he didn’t even know why he did it himself . He was far from regretting it though.
They’re both really nervous, Sejun swears he can feel the shakes coming from Seungsik’s body through his own every now and then and he’s surprised he hadn’t been shaking too, but it’s not uncomfortable. They’re really just, keeping each other company. That was a really good way of explaining it, Sejun found. At least, that was the only way he could explain it so that, therefore, made it the best way.
Usually the time and this location would be the absolute worst spot to be in. It was beautiful, don't get him wrong, and Seungsik loved this place— grass a bit overgrown but still a healthy green, patches of white lilies mixed around between other pastel wildflowers and the light, oh so perfectly shined through the tree line— but the bugs.
There were so many seeing as there were just as many flowers to match and that obviously attracted them. So of course lots of little insects would make this their home. Sejun didn’t hold it against them for wanting to explore new territory and climb up his leg— maybe take a few experimental bites out of him. He’d usually call out the inconvenience of choosing to sit in a field by smacking them away, a protesting Seungsik immediately telling him about how he shouldn’t squash innocent creatures and that every bug has a purpose, but right now he could hardly let himself be bothered with the urge to smack them away.
One of Seungsik’s hands was wrapped in the grass, his fingers plucking and prodding at the stray little weeds that surrounded them both. Sejun found it cute that these types of things interested Seungsik so much, so he didn’t bother him, just watched. Till he heard a tiny grunt come from underneath him.
“You’re getting kind of heavy,” Seungsik had turned his eyes back onto Sejun— who was trying his best to fight the evil that was how quickly his cheeks would redden when Seungsik had his eyes set on him. He realized he had been comfortably placed on top of Seungsik for a while now, but he hadn’t told Sejun to get off so he had taken that as maybe some sort of ‘infinite rides ’ ticket you’d get in the line at a fair.
“Should I move?” He questioned, the attempt at hiding the flush of his cheeks failing miserably. Seungsik promptly shook his head, telling Sejun ‘ no ’ and adding that ‘ it was okay ’ and he believed him.
Something in Sejun’s mind found it really endearing how Seungsik could go on for hours and hours about the protection of bugs, but at this very moment he was witnessing him pluck the flowers out of the ground by the stems. He let himself gently grab at Seungsik’s wandering fingers and wrapped his own hand around Seungsik’s soft wrist, attempting to regain his attention, a perplexed boy looking back up at him once again.
“I thought you said hurting the innocent was a violation of humanity,” Sejun chuckled, incredibly soothing to Seungsik’s ears. “So isn’t pulling flowers from the ground inhumane?”
He knew he had Seungsik stuck searching for an answer by the look on his face— sweet but befuddled— he then saw Seungsik’s fingers shamefully untwine from the flower’s stem, a pout on his pretty, pink lips. Instead, he let his hands sit open, empty. His palm was relaxed, waiting for anything or anyone to find it’s way over in place of the plant.
“I’m not some humanitarian,” He puffed out.
Sejun’s heart skipped a beat as Seungsik looked up at him, puppy-eyed. He probably knew how effective his gaze was, and how it could get him practically anything he wanted, gauge any response, and he was right. That trick worked on Sejun like blowing into a game cartridge would as a young kid. It wasn’t something that he was ever embarrassed about letting happen though. In fact, having Seungsik be so comfortable and cute around him was something he would never take for granted. The simple fact that only Sejun was able to see him like this, in his most unguarded state.
“That’s people, not bugs and overgrown weeds,”
He was so cute.
“And even if you were one, you’d be amazing.” Blind gunfire in the dark. So embarrassing. It was way more romantic in his head. It sounded like one of the cheesiest lines you’d ever hear in movie history had just shot out of his mouth, leaving the worst recoil in the deepest parts of his throat. Seungsik didn't let him feel the sting of embarrassment for long though, pulling him out of it with a small laugh and a faint blush dotted across the bridge of his nose. He was really good at making Sejun feel like he could be himself and say something that dumb in the first place.
He tenderly swatted at Sejun’s shoulder. A valid response for the words that just came out of his mouth. He accepted the gentle slap and laughed.
Maybe— with Seungsik looking up at him in that way that he always did, and the light reflecting off of his eyes in the prettiest fashion— Sejun could withstand a little bit of that gunfire. That embarrassment. Maybe even stand out in the middle of it and never be hit, not even by one stray bullet.
The early morning had almost come and gone by now, the sky finally ready to transition. The birds still chirped and the crickets continued to sing and Sejun hadn’t been out in this itchy grass that long with Seungsik but he did start to wonder how it felt like time had gone by so leisurely. Like the entire world was moving in slow motion and just the two of them, alone , kept their regular pace. He enjoyed the feeling and he hoped Seungsik did too. He prayed that he did. He looked down to see Seungsik’s eyes partially closed, probably fighting the beams of light that were attacking his eyes every now and then when the wind would blow the clouds away from the sun, his pretty, dark eyelashes doing a beautiful job of resembling a butterfly’s wings, opening and closing as needed. Sejun tried his best to lean and maneuver himself to block it and Seungsik gripped him in place, telling him it was ‘ just the right spot ’ to keep the shade across his face and shield him against the ‘ awful enemy ’ that was radiation.
“Better?” Sejun asked, his tone was warm, milky, earning a pleased hum from the boy under him. He instantly felt another one of those bullets in the pit of his chest.
Seungsik’s arms were lazily thrown out again against the grass after he let go of Sejun’s hips, they were spread wide on each side of his body like he was trying to catch the air in them. Open. Inviting. He had a habit of doing that, and Sejun admittedly had a habit of unconsciously filling that space. So, like any other time before, he leaned in and reached for those outstretched arms, sliding his palms up the warm skin of Seungsik’s forearms and past his wrists. He intertwined his fingers with Seungsik’s own, like wild vines twisting around an unkept mailbox.
Seungsik allowed it, he always did. Never really any words shared between the both of them when this would happen, just unspoken acceptance. Something was undoubtedly different about all of it this time though, he pondered. He was half distracted with Seungsik and the beauty that engulfed him, the light chirps of the birds around them, the wind gently blowing past his ears, that it was pretty hard to think any deeper. He did soon realize that these minutes, hours that he spent with his friend were one of the only things he had begun to look forward to. But it wasn’t just that, it was more. He thought it had always been more.
An indisputable feeling began to build in the pit of his gut as he continued to sit above him. He knew what it was and it’s not like he was scared of it , just more so what would happen if he let it be known. He was sure no harm would come from telling him. Maybe. Seungsik was just as understandable as anyone, and he knew it wouldn’t blow up in his face. Or he tried to believe that. He told himself that it was just like the frozen feeling you’d get before jumping off some high ledge. That feeling that holds you in place and makes your mind race. The adrenaline you’d build up. The twist in your stomach. That was the worst part. It was always the worst part in Sejun’s opinion.
The preparation is worse than the outcome.
He simply just had to get over that preparation. He’d been standing on the edge of that ledge for months now, teetering on the unstable formations of rock and pebble under his feet.
Sejun wondered if Seungsik even knew how he affected others. Especially how he affected Sejun. He had to have known. Sejun spent a lot of time with lots of people and everyone around them seemed like they had caught on before he even knew how he felt about him himself. He wished it would have been like that with Seungsik too. Maybe Seungsik figuring it out on his own, knowing how Sejun felt without Sejun having to say it himself. It would’ve saved Sejun from all of the times that sour and sweet feeling had bubbled up in his stomach, in his heart.
He leaned back down into Seungsik’s view, his own hair falling in front of his eyes and this time, to his surprise, Seungsik was the one to reach up and try pushing the strands out of the way, but the bottom of his palm brushed across the skin of Sejun’s cheek and he found himself immediately leaning into the touch. It felt hot and soft and he couldn’t stop the goosebumps from running up his arms and back down to the tips of his fingers. One if his hands was still intertwined with Seungsik’s, never wanting to let it go. The other was sweetly wrapped around Seungsik’s wrist that was still placed on his cheek.
Seungsik continued that long, drawn out motion. His long fingers leave dents of heat across Sejun’s skin.
If he could deny his feelings earlier, before the subtle touches— and the not-so subtle one’s— he definitely couldn’t deny them now and he knew that. Maybe he could finally jump from that ledge. Maybe after jumping he’d finally get to see the bottom that he dreamed about every night. What if he jumped and he was saved by a soft field of flowers. What if he jumped and instead of there being sharp rocks and nothing but pain, the only thing waiting down there for him was Seungsik and all of the comfort that came with him?
He decided then and there that it couldn’t be ‘what if’ anymore. He was going to bite down on the brick that was labeled chance. He was going to figure out the outcome himself because he couldn’t stand wondering any longer. With an increasing pulse in his ears and his mind full of butterflies he couldn’t think, his mind was chanting a steady— do it .
He leaned in far, feeling Seungsik tense up a little underneath him as he got close, but if it was something Seungsik didn’t want he would definitely stop Sejun.
He didn’t stop him.
Sejun’s entire body was pulling itself toward Seungsik and he felt like he had no control over where it was going. Even though he knew where.
He pressed his lips onto Seungsik’s seconds after hearing what sounded like a squeak come from him. It was the cutest sound in the world and Sejun felt like he was climbing snowflakes to the stars. Fireworks were being set off in his stomach and if he didn’t know the difference between being in love and being sick he would’ve said he felt like puking.
They were kissing. They were finally kissing and the position might’ve been weird and he wasn’t swallowing Seungsik’s tongue, but it was a sweet kiss. It was something new for them both and Sejun felt amazing with just this alone. Seungsik was a mess underneath him though, as was Sejun in his own state, but the noises that were coming from Seungsik sounded like a puppy whimpering for something it couldn’t reach. He was chasing Sejun’s lips with his and for once Sejun didn’t feel like he was alone in his own feelings. Seungsik was holding himself up by the round of his elbows as he leaned up into Sejun, trying to catch his bottom lip between his teeth.
Sejun opened his eyes, just quick enough to see the look on Seungsik’s face. It was pure bliss. He reluctantly broke the kiss, earning another high whine from him as he tried searching Seungsik’s eyes for any sort of commentary.
“I was waiting for you to do that,” He was breathy, gently panting as he licked at his own wet lips, a bashful laugh following soon after and Sejun turned his head to the side.
‘Waiting for you to do that’.
All of this time, Sejun had made himself doubt his feelings for his friend. He’d always chalk it all down to some dumb reason like ‘he’s a simple person that catches feelings easily’ and excusing the late cuddles and signs of affection as ‘friends just do this stuff, there’s nothing more to it than that’ .
He finally felt validated . All of the anxieties, all of the worries, they were being replaced with this deep need to have Seungsik for forever , not just a few minutes out of the day. He felt like he was finally going to get that now and nobody, not even himself, was going to stop that.
Sejun rested his forehead on Seungsik’s own, almost trembling one. Their breath mixed, cheeks heating up. They sat there just like that for what seemed like minutes on end, just taking everything in. They were both smiling, and Sejun knew Seungsik must have been just as nervous as him this entire time. His hands were still clasped overtop of his, the shiver of nerves pulsating into Sejun’s. He squeezed his fingers a little tighter— I’m here .
He was content just like this, finally at ease. The tension and worry in his heart melted away like the softest of snow.