Chapter Text
Kokomi Teruhashi, age 23, top model and the self-proclaimed prettiest girl in the world gathered both of our families all in one place for some big announcement. And by all I do mean our entire family. Mostly. Mom and Dad are here, she even invited Kusuke and her brother. I’m not sure what this is about exactly, since her thoughts are a bit of a jumbled mess, but I’m sure of one thing. She wants me to propose.
Over my dead body.
The big show is disguised as a dinner, but I know the truth. I can’t let her make a scene. Knowing her she’ll try to back me into a corner where I’ll have to propose to her.
I can’t let that happen. I don’t want my otherwise half-way decent afternoon to be interrupted by drama and marriage proposals. I just want to make it though the night without an incident and read my book before I go to bed. So I have to avoid this discussion at all costs.
I’m a little nervous. Maybe I should do this somewhere more private? NO! You can do this Kokomi! If anyone can make the infamously stubborn Saiki Kusuo propose it’s you!!
Good grief. See what I mean? She just keeps going on about making me propose somehow. Stop being so cryptic. I have to get out of here somehow. But my mom won’t let me escape while we have company.
While I was still trying to decide if I should make a distraction or just make dad’s producer call him into work, she made her move.
Shit. I was too late.
“I have some good news,” Teruhashi announced when she’d found the perfect moment. (Of course she did.) Once the beautiful woman had everyone’s attention, she finally dropped the equivalent of an atom bomb with the words, “Kusuo and I are…going to have a baby.”
Everyone is shocked.
I’m shocked.
Makoto lunges across the table, grabbing my shirt collar. He’s practically frothing at the mouth. Gross. “Whadidyoudotomysister, punk?!!”
I didn’t do anything.
“Answer me shitty four eyes! Did you two have sex!? You took advantage of her didn’t you!?”
I did no such thing.
“W-what? No, Kusuo would never do anything so awful.” Teruhashi insisted. Get your fithy mitts off him, Stupid Big Brother! You’re ruining his chance to propose to me! I appreciate she’s trying to save me from her brother’s wrath, but it’s not helping. Why did she even invite him?
Makoto attempts to punch me, but with some not-so-subtle psychic intervention he ends up punching a nearby wall instead of my face.
The end result is a possible fracture and the bluenette’s pterodactyl-like screeching.
His hand is bruised, but he should be grateful. If he’d punched my face it would have been broken for sure.
“What the hell!? Why’d you dodge you piece of shit?!”
Because you tried to punch me for no reason.
I’m gonna fucking kill him! I’ll rip his throat out with my bare hands and then I’ll - Makoto is still screaming internally. Geez, calm down on the theatrics, it’s giving me a headache. As if he could do anything to me, anyway.
Luckily my mom disperses the chaos before it can get any worse with her signature dark aura. Makoto hasn’t even seen her wrath yet but even he knew it meant danger. Thank you, Mom, you’re a lifesaver.
So now we have a new problem, they’re all fawning over her.
“I’m a little nervous,” Teruhashi layed it on thick. “Taking care of a child is a huge responsibility. I hope I won’t be a bad mother.” She’s trying to get my mom on her side. If that happens, I might actually be in trouble. Might.
Makoto is being creepy, so I won’t translate his thoughts. You’re lucky you aren’t me and don’t have to hear this. It’s actually disgusting. “I hope you’re taking care of yourself, Kokomi,” he fretted, doing little to mask his obvious bias. “I can help if you need anything. Not that you can’t take care of yourself of course and you have stupid four-eyes I mean, Saiki to help you so you should be fine, not that I trust him to take care of you, are you sure – ”
Ugh. Enough. I kick his chair out from under him as a much needed interruption.
Teruhashi looks relieved. Finally, he shut up. I was about ready to punch him. Not that I would ever do that of course!
When he gets back to his feet Makoto looks ready to pop a blood vessel, but he quells his hatred (with some very colorful internal dialogue to match) before he goes back to doting on his sister. Gross.
I kick his chair out from under him again.
Stop acting like her boyfriend. Yours is right there. Did I mention our brothers are dating? I might have skipped over that detail.
And on that note…
If looks could kill Kusuke would have reduced Teruhashi to a pretty little puddle in an instant. Well, my looks can, but that’s beside the point.
…He isn’t saying anything. That’s a bad sign. He’s only this quiet when he’s pissed.
Don’t get me wrong. He has good reason to be. This is a touchy subject for him. You see, Makoto wants kids. And not just adopted kids, ones that look like him, you know, biological children. For reasons that are obvious, that can’t really happen with their relationship.
For the first time since the announcement Kusuke opens his mouth, and the words that come out cut straight through. “Tell me, if you’re that desperate for Kusuo to marry you, why don’t you just ask him yourself?” He pauses, lets it sink in. “Are you afraid he’ll say no? Turn down a pretty little girl like you. Do you maybe think that you’re just not enough for him?”
Teruhashi is shocked.
Everyone is shocked.
So shocked even their thoughts are quiet. You could hear a pin drop. Which would be heaven for me if not for the situation.
This is bad. This is the second time in one dinner that pretty much everyone has been stunned speechless. How do I recover this? Is there even anything I can do at this point?
It turns out I don’t have to do anything. Kusuke stands abruptly, and leaves without another word, slamming the front door behind him.
It takes a few moments, but everyone’s thoughts eventually stutter back to life.
Wait, what the fuck just happened? “Hey, Babe! Wait!” Makoto grabs his things to chase after my brother. It’s too late, he’s already gone. Too bad for Makoto though, Kusuke was his ride and it’s a long walk back to their apartment. I’d feel bad for him, but he doesn’t deserve my pity.
“What…was that?” Poor Mom. I wish you didn’t have to see that.
“Uhh…well, that was…awkward.” Thanks Dad, we noticed.
“Is something wrong?” What was that about?! ‘If you want to marry him that badly just ask him yourself?!’ Who does he think I am!? A lady shouldn’t have to ask that kind of question!! But the way he stormed off makes me think I upset him. I didn’t! Did I? How could I, a perfect girl upset someone?
You did upset him, but you didn’t do it on purpose, so don’t worry about it. Just give him some time to pout, he’ll live.
“Okay!” Dad clapped his hands together, trying to break the uncomfortable silence. “Who wants dessert?”
For once we can agree on something.
Kokomi Teruhashi was convinced she had never been more insulted a single day of her entire life. And yes, that does include that other time she met Kusuo’s big brother. Even more than that time!
How DARE he insult her? Who did he think she was!?
The marriage proposal was a total bust and it was all that guy’s fault! And her brother didn’t make things any better. Not only did they make a whole scene, but he had the nerve to suggest that she, the perfect woman, wasn’t good enough for Kusuo fucking Saiki.
She took a dainty sip of her cocktail, resisting the urge to throw back her head and down the whole cup in one gulp. She had an image to uphold even when she was angry enough to shatter the glass on the side of the table. So instead she set the cup down gently on the bar table, allowing the adoring men around her to take in her radiance. Even if she’d rather shoo them off. Her sole consolation was that with her brother by her side no one would dare approach her, allowing the girl to stew in relative peace.
Her gaze shifted to her older brother drunkenly crying into his glass beside her.
Mostly.
Come on Big brother, have some standards! People are staring at us right now.
“Kusuke’s mad at me again,” he sobbed, taking another swig of his alcohol. Jesus this was pathetic.
That’s your own fault. You should have payed more attention to him last night! No wonder he’s ignoring you!
Admittedly she didn’t know all the details herself. Just that he’d stormed off after insulting her. In front of Kusuo’s parents no less! How dare he! Makoto should have known he was upset and, and – She let a pretty sigh escape her lips, earning at least seven heart-attacks from onlookers in the crowd. No. It wasn’t reasonable to assume her brother would just know these sorts of things if no one told him. She was holding him to Kusuo’s standards again.
As she thought about the grumpy pinkette her foul mood lifted a bit, and she could feel a faint smile trace her lips. She never had to tell him how she was feeling. It was like he always just knew somehow and was always quietly watching out for her.
She took another dainty sip of her drink, allowing her fingers to trace the box in her pocket. She’d already picked out a ring she thought he might like, and the most perfect one possible for herself, obviously. But if he never asked, she’d never get to wear them, would she? Did he even want something like that?
She shook her head violently (on the inside of course, she couldn’t risk mussing up her hair) to steel her nerves. Kusuo did care about her. She was sure of it!
The way he allowed her to catch up when she fell behind, even when she knew he would rather escape the crowds that bothered him so much, the small smiles he gave her when he thought she wasn’t looking, the softness in his eyes. She wasn’t imagining any of that. He liked her back! He had to. There was no way he would have let it go on this long otherwise, right? Kusuo was grumpy but he wasn’t cruel like his big brother. If he truly wanted to stop her advances, he would have done so already. Right?
Still second best huh?
It’s not just Kusuo anymore, I can’t beat her either.
Is it just because she can give you something I can’t?
…If I could give you anything you wanted, would you dote and fawn over me too?
Would that be enough?
Would you love me, and only me then?
Kusuke finds Makoto in the kitchen searching the refrigerator for breakfast. Neither of them really cooked, he would probably just end up re-heating the left-overs from last night’s take-out.
They hadn’t talked since the dinner last week. Kusuke had been tactically avoiding him and the inevitable confrontation this whole time.
Upon turning around his boyfriend finally notices him, nearly dropping the take-out box. Is he really startled just by me standing in a doorway? “Kusuke! Hey, I haven’t seen you all week.” He set the half-empty container down on the counter. “I know you’re mad, I talked to Kokomi about it - sort of, and I’m sorry about what happened I wasn’t trying to – ”
Kusuke cut him off with a peck on the lips, forcing a small wrapped gift into his hands. The contents weren’t that important (it was a figurine from the newest show the man was infatuated with), what was important was that the gift served as a peace treaty.
“What’s this?”
“It’s a present, obviously. Go on, open it.” He didn’t. Instead the bluenette put down the gift in favor of a hug. See? I told you what was in it wasn’t that important.
“Aww, Babe. That’s so sweet. I really thought you were mad at me and – ” the man loosened his grip, holding Kusuke at arm’s length, a look of horror etched onto his handsome features. “Oh no what did you do?” Well, he sure was quick to change his tune.
“Nothing.” Kusuke responded immediately. Perhaps too quickly?
Makoto groaned. Apparently, that wasn’t very convincing. “God damnit, Kusuke. Seriously, what did you do?”
“I love you.” He was certain he was literally sparkling.
Makoto sighed in defeat. “You’re lucky you’re cute.”
Kusuke giggled, pecking his boyfriend on the cheek. “You’re right about that. That, aaannndddd….” He paused for emphasis. “I have good news,” he finished cheerily.
The bluenette looked wary. “Good news? Or good news for you?”
“Good news for us.” Kusuke presented the forged doctors note with flourish. Giving the bluenette a full minute to read it, not that the poor bastard could understand most of the words.
“Uhh, babe? What does this…?”
“I’m pregnant.”
It took a full 28 seconds for the gears in his brain to lock into place.
“Are you…? Seriously?” That’s right. That crestfallen expression is exactly what I was going for. It hurts doesn’t it? His boyfriend looked at him with a mixture of confusion and hope, before his face broke out in a huge grin.
“Babe, that’s great!” Makoto exclaimed, grabbing Kusuke’s hands enthusiastically. “I – that’s,” he fumbled with his words for a second, still trying to process what was happening. “I’m just so excited.” He looked on the verge of tears, but he still had that thousand-watt smile, pulling him into a hug.
The blonde was left dumbfounded for a moment. Why is he happy? It’s doubtful even he would believe me that easily, Kusuke mused to himself, coming to the conclusion that he couldn’t possibly be serious. Makoto was dumb but surely, he couldn’t be that dumb. But he looked so damn happy, it was almost enough to make Kusuke feel guilty.
Almost.
Unaware of his own stupidity, the bluenette kissed him, practically bubbling with excitement. “I can’t believe it. You actually found a way... Holy shit, that means praying at the shrine actually payed off. We – we’re actually going to have a family.” The joyful tears fell. Somehow, he managed to look hot even when he was crying. That was a fucking Teruhashi for you.
Ah, it makes sense he would assume this is the result of some tampering on my end. I admit the thought had crossed my mind in the past, but every attempt ended in catastrophic failure, so I abandoned the project in it’s entirety.
As he prattled on Kusuke became more uncomfortable. “How many months along are you? How long have you known? Why didn’t you tell me sooner? We’ll have to convert one of the guest rooms to a nursery. Wait! If you’re pregnant you shouldn’t be standing so much, you’ll put too much stress on the baby. Sit, sit.” He shuffled the blond across the kitchen and practically shoved him into a chair in the dining room, hands still firmly linked in his.
I probably shouldn’t push this too hard. He’s functioning under the assumption that I altered human anatomy enough to allow something like this to happen for real.
Kusuke tried his luck anyway. He wasn’t supposed to believe me. How far along was he? The real answer was a resounding zero. He wasn’t pregnant; it was a prank after all, a mere attempt at garnering his attention, and a pointedly cruel one at that, but since his boyfriend was humoring him for the moment…
“Two months.”
Two weeks before her. That’s right, I did it first. Well, not really, but that’s not the point. This is a bluffing game now.
“I went to the doctor a few days ago. I’ve been meaning to tell you.” Kusuke put on his best ‘bashful’ smile, rubbing his boyfriend’s hand with his thumb. “I wasn’t sure when would be a good time…”
“ANYTIME IS A GOOD ONE!” He shouted with such enthusiasm the blonde almost jumped.
He was serious. He was actually fucking serious. Just how far can I push this? Kusuke mused to himself. I admit I had my doubts, but it seems he really fell for it. While it wasn’t the desired result, I can still work with this. It would be interesting to say the least. And entertaining. And…
As Makoto went on about setting up doctor’s appointments a dirty little thought clawed itself into the crevices of his mind. If I make this real…then…would you look my way, and my way alone?
Would I be enough?
…It seemed Makoto was genuinely excited about this. Uncomfortably so. Once more the blonde considered the possibility that the idol was just bullshitting him but decided to hold off on investigating further for now. What he really cared about was beating that ‘cute’ little sister of his at her own game.
You want a proposal little miss?
You want a happy ending?
…Why don’t we see who can have their happily ever after first?
As she’s walking down the street blessing people with her radiance Kokomi hears Kusuke’s unspoken challenge somehow through the power of competitiveness and anime. Bring it on you creepy bastard! I’m a very nice pretty girl but I’m also very competitive. I’ll win this for sure! Just wait! I’ll get Kusuo to propose to me first!!
Ah. It seems the sister has agreed to our little challenge. Kusuke thought to himself. Wonderful. It was only fun if she was playing too. He wanted to crush her pretty head in the metaphorical dirt by the end of this. Not because he was jealous. Not at all. He was just protecting his territory. Makoto was his damnit! It took two and a half years to break the bluenette out of his delusion. It took two years more for them to get to where they were now as a couple. That’s a combined four and a half years of effort towards a relationship with this man, first as his best (and only) friend then as his boyfriend. He’d put too much into this to simply let him go when his little sister frolicked into his life again with the promise of cute photogenic children.
…He was getting ahead of himself. Calm down, Kusuke. You’re getting worked up over nothing. You can still beat her. Right, back to the matter at hand.
In order to win their little game, and he was determined to win, Kusuke decided that he needed to make his lie seem real. He needed to make it real. Therefore, to increase his odds, he later found himself in his research lab looking further than he ever thought reasonable into the subject of male pregnancy. If he wanted to make this look as realistic as possible, he needed to have data to work with.
Alas, male pregnancy was not something that happened in real life very often. He found one instance of a man who became pregnant through artificial insemination, the reason being he and his wife wanted a family but she infertile. His name was Thomas Beatie, apparently there had been a whole big fuss about it back in 2008 when his first child was born. The man had already undergone the top surgery when transitioning from female to male but retained his female sexual organs. (That’s ‘science’ for he had top surgery but not bottom surgery, so he could still have children the traditional way.) It was a mildly interesting article, albeit one that wasn’t of much use to him as a cis-male, but alas.
The only other information that found to be of any use was an extremely experimental technology known as Ectopic implantation. The procedure involved implanting an embryo in a man's abdomen – with the placenta attached to an internal organ such as the bowel – and later delivered surgically. The procedure was considered too dangerous (and most likely fatal) to be tested in humans.
Again, useless for his purposes. He considered it, he really did. But he was working with limited time, and he wasn’t sure he really wanted to risk his life for a prank. Yet.
Okay, so maybe he’d already learned about this some time ago, and maybe he’d dedicated a month of his life to trying to perfect the procedure in humans and that may or may not have been the experiment that ended in catastrophic failure he’d mentioned earlier. There, I’ve admitted it, are you happy reader?
Nevertheless, once the internet got a hold of something it was bound to blow itself out of proportion, so he had plenty of ‘material’ to work with. It was really too bad all of it was fiction. Fiction wasn’t exactly scientific, so he couldn’t really count anything he read as accurate, especially since the conditions varied so widely depending on what it was about and who was writing it. He found anything from wholesome fluff so sweet he felt compelled to brush his teeth repeatedly for several hours to ensure he didn’t get cavities, to hard-core erotic bdsm rape porn that it would make a nun blush.
In short, after several days of collecting notes over the intricacies of the subject he still had almost nothing useful.
He even took the liberty of looking into female pregnancy. He was admittedly unfamiliar with female anatomy, but the search proved to be almost as worthless as the male slash fanfiction. The only real benefit here was that it was based on actual medical practices and was based in science.
The problem was that the information was useless. He was faking it after all. He just had to make it LOOK real. The only things that mattered were physical and to a lesser extent, behavioral changes. And of course those things were superficial and mostly based on personal experience not hard facts. And that all went without saying that he was competing with the closest thing Earth had to offer to a goddess who was actually pregnant.
Kusuke rubbed his temples irritably, resisting the urge to slam his head on the table. This was going nowhere. What a waste of time.
Perhaps in another world or another timeline it wouldn’t have been such an outrageous lie. With Kusuo’s powers he easily could have made it possible, common place even. But his little brother had little interest in this sort of thing. None, actually. Hell, it would be to his benefit if women suddenly couldn’t give birth either. So the world remained unchanged for the time being.
He sighed, stepping away from the computer screen. No use wondering about what could have been. This was the reality he was living in now, and if he wanted to make the most of it he only had one option. He needed to see an expert in the field.
From the other side of the door he can hear his parents shouting in muffled voices. “Honey! Kusuke’s here! Did you know he was coming over?”
“No. Oh, I wonder if he’s feeling better now. Well go on, let him in silly.”
His dad lets him in and heads back to the table after more-or-less greeting him. They’re already eating dinner. He’s used to working late so it doesn’t bother him. And he’s only here for business really.
Kusuo glared at him. His face read, “Why are you here?”
“Sorry Kusuo, I can’t hear a thing you’re saying!” Kusuke pointed at the canceller on his head. Kusuo looked absolutely disgusted. It was true he couldn’t really hear him, but the look he was giving him screamed, “I don’t care, just leave.”
“Welcome home, Big Ku!” Their mother chirped happily from the table. Ah yes, just the person he was looking for. “We didn’t know you were coming, or I’d have made you a plate, baby. Is everything okay?”
“Everything’s fine, Mama. I don’t plan to stay for long. I do have something to ask you though, if it isn’t too much trouble.”
“Of course, what is it?” Despite his reassurance that all was well, her brow was still furrowed with worry. He shouldn’t keep her in suspense too long, then.
“I’m pregnant too.”
Kuniharu drops his fork. Kurumi’s face instantly pales. Kusuo somehow manages to look horrified and disgusted at the same time.
What a punchline.
“Haha, just kidding,” Kusuke amended cheerily, much to the thinly veiled relief of his family. No one spoke for a beat.
Kuniharu gracelessly uttered the phrase “Oh, thank god,” after an uncomfortably long silence.
“Thanks for the support, Papa.” Kusuke replied with a tight smile. He could scarcely keep the bitterness out of his voice.
The awkwardness soon motivated Kurumi to chime in. “We’re just happy you aren’t making this decision too early, that’s all.”
“Is that so?” He asked with a tight-lipped smile. “Whatever could you mean by that, Mama?”
“She means you’ll kill it,” Kuniharu coughed into his sleeve indiscreetly. He wasn’t wrong, but there was no need to be so crass about it.
Kusuke could swear he heard Kusuo scoff.
They all believed him, every single one of them, even Kusuo. Does it really not seem that impossible?
His brother was an all-powerful psychic who could change the laws of nature at will, but did they all really believe his lie so easily? Does it really seem like something I would do? …Who am I kidding, of course it does. I came here for the express purpose of trying to fake a pregnancy to get back at a girl who’s actually pregnant with my little brother’s child because it was supposed to be me FIRST, damnit!
At that moment a banging noise is heard on the front porch and Makoto stumbles through the door in all of his unannounced and equally uninvited glory, wearing some cheap disguise that makes him look like a burglar. The neighbors will call the cops in three…two…there it is. The police will be here in roughly fifteen minutes.
This day just keeps getting better.
“Kusuke!” The bluenette threw himself at his boyfriend with exaggerated concern, pulling him into a tight hug much to the blonde’s annoyance and his family’s discomfort. Can’t you see I’m busy you sniveling ape?
“I was worried! I tried to call you but you weren’t at work like you said you were and I thought something happened to you so I looked into that doctor’s note you gave me and I couldn’t find anything on it so we need to set up a new appointment. Are you sure that guy was legit? You should be more careful! What if something happened to you or the baby?”
How can you even live? Honestly, how did you possibly manage to get through your entire short life without being hit by a car or something you hopeless beautiful fool?
Oh well. It’s unfortunate but this conversation will have to wait. I don’t think I can ditch him right now. “Ha ha, I’m fine. You worry too much.”
“You’re the one who makes me worry! I’m going to have wrinkles by the time I’m 25 and it’s all your fault, you heartless bastard.”
So, literally next year. “Ahem,” Kusuke cleared his throat loudly, glancing at his parents out of the corner of his eye. Come on you big dumb, get the message.
“Oh. Sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Saiki. I didn’t – ”
“It’s fine, dear.” Mom smiled agreeably, although she might not have realized what was happening, “We were just eating dinner, do you boys want some?”
Despite not being able to hear Kusuo’s voice in his head, he could read his less than thrilled expression like a book.
//Good grief. Get a room you two, it’s ruing my appetite.//
“No one’s making you watch.”
//Fuck off.//