Chapter Text
“We’re not making profit. There’s not enough sales,” Norton insisted, tapping his index finger against a data table on the whiteboard. Norton was the manager of a toilet paper company that had very little success.
Everyone stared. There were shifting of eyes around the room. Norton’s lips pursed into a sarcastic smile as he looked around, waiting for any suggestions.
“Have samples,” Kreacher said.
“So you want shit stain samples on different sheets?” Luca crossed his arms, scoffing. “I’m in.”
Norton gave Luca a wary glance. “Watch the vulgar language. We are a professional company, so take this seriously.”
“Maybe we could make an ad,” Emma suggested. Everyone gave subtle bobs of the head in agreement.
“We could send the ad to a porn site. Everyone likes that,” Naib added, giving a small shrug. Everyone hummed in marvel to the idea.
Patricia stood up from her seat and thundered out, making sure that when she slammed the door closed it left a crack.
“Who in here would like to perform sexual intercourse with toilet paper?” Norton questioned, clasping his fingers together.
“I don’t think launching it through a porn site would be appropriate,” Eli opined.
“Did I ask?” Norton snapped, inclining forward in a threatening manner.
Eli went silent. He turned to his owl and whispered, “I thought I told you not to do your business in his coffee.” The conference hall went silent again.
“What was that?” Norton interrogated.
“Nothing, Mister Campbell.”
“How about you record yourself?” Naib told Norton with no cowardice in his voice.
Before Norton could talk back, José interrupted, “I thought I joined a genuine toilet paper company and not some idiotic porn sponsor corporation sort of thing.”
“Yeah, he’s got a point,” Mike agreed. He wasn’t even listening the entire time.
Norton closed his eyes to prevent steam from pouring out. “I don’t care about your opinions. We’re losing money and none of you are helping at all.”
“Maybe our toilet paper just sucks ,” Andrew’s spiced voice was heard from the farthest seat of the table.
“No. The only thing that sucks here is your self-esteem— and all of your ideas. Leave, I need a moment to myself.” Norton swatted their presence away with a hand, wanting them out of his sight.
Kevin was the first to stand and walk right out the door without having said a single word. The rest followed shortly after.
After the room was drained of all of Norton’s pain and misery (his workers), he took a seat and put his head down.
—————
“Alright guys, I’ve decided that we should make the boss happy!” Mike stood on top of a desk.
“Mike. Mike, get off my desk,” Margaretha sighed.
“And how do you suppose we do that?” Servais rubbed his beard in wonder, looking up from his toilet paper experiment.
“We all quit,” Aesop mumbled, not taking his eyes off of his computer.
“Of course not! We should split up into groups and create our own ads,” Mike suggested, pulling up a pencil holder. “I’m going to draw sticks and those will be our groups. Only three groups.” He rattled the pencil holder, mixing the sticks with their names around.
In team one, those selected were Patricia, Aesop, Kevin, Lucky, Tracy, José, Murro, and Emily.
In group two was Mike, Emma, Servais, Luca, Margaretha, Kurt, Naib, and William.
Group three consisted of Vera, Fiona, Demi, Kreacher, Freddy, Andrew, Victor, and Eli.
How big is this office? Who knows, but big enough to fit all of them like sardines in a can.
Norton ended up falling asleep without a single clue of what was to come. They divided amongst themselves and began their plans.
Group 1
“I can do all the editing and stuff,” Tracy volunteered.
“I can help with the editing,” Patricia offered. “I think I’m decent with that.”
“Great. Who here is good at filming?” José questioned, scanning his group members.
Lucky raised his hand slightly, almost in a shy manner.
“This ain’t damn school,” Kevin reminded Lucky. Kevin looked at his group as if he just realized something. “We’d all have F’s,” he said in a hushed tone. “Except me.”
“...I’ll make a script,” Aesop contributed, most likely planning to make it terrible to watch the world burn.
“And I’ll voice over,” Emily said, confident that she was perfect for that job.
Murro was silent. He’d rather work independently but he’s stuck with a group now. Maybe if he stayed silent the whole time he wouldn’t have to do anything. Kevin and José concluded that they’d be the actors.
Aesop already began typing in the script with the actions along with what they’d say. Nobody dared to interrupt his train of thought until they ran out of things to say.
“Just as an idea: I’ll come in and save José’s life ‘cause he’s out of toilet paper. José will begin to weep in joy as I hand it over and Murro can wipe his tears away with our toilet paper brand! How ‘bout that?” Kevin proposed.
Aesop stared at him before typing in, “Kevin fails to make it in time and José dies from using another toilet paper brand. Coming across the rotting corpse of José, he and Murro use the toilet paper to gently wipe their own tears away in mourning.” He nodded.
“We have to cry?” Murro questioned, finally.
“You ask that as if everyone in this room doesn’t already,” Aesop said as he kept his eyes down at the keyboard.
“This job makes me cry,” Patricia held back tears. She’s always held tears back ever since she took the cursed job.
“Yeah… you know, sometimes somebody asks me what I work for…and I—,” José’s voice broke into a heaved sob. “I say a toilet paper company—,” José pinched the bridge of his nose.
“Hey, hey. It’s okay,” Kevin consoled him, patting his back. “Aw. Shit, man,” Kevin cleared his throat to unstrain the rising knot.
Lucky and Tracy blinked as if it’d push the tears back in their ducts. “Maybe I’m not so lucky after all,” Lucky spoke desolately.
Group 2
Group two huddled into a circle as if they were keeping their ideas as top secrets. They hadn’t even begun brainstorming and were instead struggling to fit.
“Why are we so… close?” Margaretha asked with concern. It was true, they were all shoving themselves into a circle like intense American football players.
“So nobody else can hear us, duh,” William replied.
Kurt sighed in disbelief. “Alright. I don’t think that matt—.” He was shoved in the middle of the meeting.
“ Shh . You’re talking too loud,” Mike shushed him, taking glimpses behind them to ensure nobody was stealing all the information.
“Guys…,” Naib began, cautious. “I think Tracy’s robot is onto us,” Naib quietly warned, shooting a quick glance at it.
“Oh my God, it’s hella scary.” William shook like a leaf. He couldn’t stand its voidant stare. Sure, the robot might be of good service and even bring him a can of soda, but William suddenly lost all trust in it. Gone.
“I think it’s cool,” Emma shrugged it off. “What’s it gonna do?”
“It’s gonna copy all of our information,” Naib said.
“Or maybe one of us will tell another group,” Mike realized.
“You’re all thinking too—,” Kurt was cut off yet again.
“It…no way…It moved,” Luca squeaked.
Servais rolled his eyes. “It’s just a piece of metal, get over yourselves.”
“It’s controlling him,” Margaretha gasped. They all turned to look at Servais.
“For God’s sake.”
Group 3
“Can’t believe I got grouped with Buck Teeth over here,” Kreacher insulted, drinking from his can of soda.
“You have no right to say that.” Freddy was riled up. Kreacher shut his eyes and noisily slurped in an attempt to block the rambling of Freddy.
“I bet you’re mad because your teeth get in the way of drinkin’ out of a can,” Kreacher snickered at his own joke.
“Ooh,” Vera hissed, entertained by the small quarrel between the two.
“Chill, guys.” Demi organized a stack of papers. “Always the two of you, eh? Won’t you ever get along?” She set the papers down.
“Let them keep arguing. We’d be fine without them, anyway,” Andrew commented in irritation.
Meanwhile, Fiona and Eli were already orchestrating the ad, but it couldn’t be done without the others’ insights. With that in mind, they decided to wait for the rest of their group.
Freddy fixed his tie, clearing his throat. “We should come up with an improved version of our slogan. It will surely hook our clients’ attention.” Kreacher mimicked him, flapping his hands, but Freddy decided to ignore his existence for that moment.
“What’s wrong with the one we have?” Eli asked.
Demi chuckled. “Ya don’t think “the soft wipe of an angel’s wing” sounds a little too weird? Who came up with that, anyway?”
Eli grimaced slightly, nodding. “Yes. Quite odd.”
Fiona hummed in agreement, “How awful that thought is! Angels’ wings are fragile. They’re almost like downy feathers, if you will. Therefore, it’s implying that the toilet paper is too thin and can cause leaks. In addition, some feathers are sharp, and that doesn’t sound too comforting when it comes to using toilet paper— especially if it represents an angel’s wing. How unfortunate it would be to wipe yourself with the wrong end of the feather.”
Everyone in group three was staring agape. Vera nodded. “I do agree with you there, but what better slogan could we come up with?”
Victor perked up. He wrote down on a blank sheet of paper with fancy writing, “Not every artist needs a paintbrush.” Done and done, he slipped it over.
“Oh, my goodness. That’s so deep. I’m touched,” Fiona expressed, putting a hand over her heart. Eli even considered it along with Vera. Andrew had a horrified look on his face, squinting at the writing.
“It’s…not too bad,” Freddy spoke, lifting up the piece of paper in adoration. “I say we use this new slogan for our ad.”
—————
Knock, knock.
Norton shot up to the rapping at his door. “Yes, what?”
“We made ads just for you to watch!” Mike exclaimed, swinging the door open. José and Vera walked in after him, ready to show him their results.
“This doesn’t include pornographic content, does it?”
“Nope. Not at all. Here is my group’s!” Mike inserted his USB port in Norton’s computer and a video began to play.
After watching the ridiculous set-ups for group two’s ad, he completely lost faith in everyone. Seriously, wrapping a robot with toilet paper? Watching group one’s ad, he couldn’t help but think they were all going through a depressive phase. Finally, group three’s ad— he couldn’t handle it. Just what did they think they were doing trying to replicate a shit stain on a square of toilet paper with that slogan?
”Which one did you like best?” José curiously asked.
“I have to choose one?” Norton said in disbelief, rubbing a finger over his temple.
“Aww, no need for flattery.” Vera smiled in gratitude.
“Well I choose none ,” Norton blurted out, his expression never changing like an untouched piece of stone.
“Wha— but.” Mike was puzzled. “After all that hard work?”
“It’s only been thirty minutes. You call this hard work?” Norton pointed out. Yes, the three groups all made an ad under thirty minutes with a length of fifteen seconds. “You know what? Just publicize them all— why does it matter anymore.”
“Gladly!” Mike and the other two left Norton’s office without further complaints. The other members were desperate whilst waiting for the results.
“Well?” Freddy spoke.
“Uh, yeah, he didn’t like any of them,” José revealed, letting out a sigh. He placed the USB drive down just like his hopes.
“We tried,” William tried to lighten the mood.
“Did we, really?” Emma tipped her head to the side. “We were all racing each other to see who’d finish the video first.”
“You’re right. Well, if that didn’t satisfy Campbell, what are we supposed to do?” Naib felt somewhat insulted that Norton didn’t favor any of their ads.
“I mean, he did give me the consent to publicize them…so….” Mike sent the miraculous video online. The other groups did the same, proud of their completed ads.
In the end, the ads might’ve been a complete waste of time, but it really did boost their sales thanks to them getting listed in a “Top 10 Weirdest Ads” video.