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“When will this feeling stop?” Christen wonders as she sits next to her best friend. It isn’t anything that she ever thought would, or could, happen to her, but it has. She has a crush on Tobin. She has for a while now; she realized a few months ago. Now they are watching some international game clip replays with almost half of the other national team members, crammed into one on their hotel rooms on the 11th floor. Tobin and Christen are smashed together in a chair that was brought in from Horan’s room that, while adding seating space, takes up entirely too much actual space in the small double queen room. At least they are able to be a bit separated from the others; both beds being maxed out supporting 8 people between them. The only person that isn’t being smashed by someone else is, of course, Becky in the other arm chair that came in the room they are occupying. Which, Christen figures, does make sense, not only because she is one of the most senior here, but it is her room that she has given up for the night.
Christen is trying to pay attention to the clips, trying to gain as much wisdom from the comments those around her are making as she can, while she can, because she thinks she might actually get some time in the game tomorrow. However, Tobin is making concentrating on anything other than her hands extremely difficult for Christen. All she can see as she steadfastly stares at the tv is Tobin’s hands running up and down her right thigh. Her fingers pushing down with the pads as they run from her shorts line down to her knee. Then, back up to her shorts, sometimes with just the tips, sometimes still with the pads pressing and pulling against her skin. It is making Christen breathe more deeply than her normal resting pace, and she suspects that Tobin can tell.
That is not a small part of what is fueling the fire growing in her now. But also, for the first time, she knows that Tobin can tell that what she is doing is having such an effect on Christen, and she is not relenting or slowing or pulling back. In fact, if anything, she seems to be more into it; also getting more distracted by it and affected as well. Christen can also feel her body just as well as Tobin can hers, of course, and she can feel Tobin’s breath getting shallow, and her entire body is tensing with something that doesn't seem like stress over the coming game.
There have long been moments almost like this between them; moments that seem full of something neither could, or would, quite put a name to. Perhaps it was expectation, or excitement, desire, or simple affection, maybe it was just nerves even, but one thing that these moments between them haven’t been in quite a while, is empty of some sort of promise of things to come. They frequently would sit closer together than was strictly necessary. Their hands would brush and there was a nearness in physical proximity that wasn't always required by their circumstances. One of them typically would walk slower or hang back from leaving an area so they could walk together for even short distances, and they have been bus buddies for a while at this point as well. But they have also been best friends for a good while now, and previously most of those things could be explained away by that close friendship. Christen really didnt think that any of the other team members really thought anything of their closeness, though admittedly, she was not a good judge of that. She rarely was in-the-know of what the inner small cliques were talking about.
Christen didn't know if all of those things and moments should be explained away. She didn't know if the brushing of their hands against each other was purposeful or meaningful. She didn't know how to react when Tobin first let her hand rest on Christen’s thigh. Did the lingering hugs mean more than they did when Kelly would hug a little too long? She wanted it to be both as purposeful and meaningful to Tobin as it was to her. She wanted to know if Tobin was having the same thoughts as she was every time it would happen. She suspects that it might be the case, and now she is feeling even more certain. Friends don’t touch each other in this way. It feels so pointed and purposeful and full of intent that it is making Christen’s head spin.
Then Tobin slows to nearly a stop, and it causes an ache to form in her, but only for a brief moment. Then Tobin looks at her while the clips are still playing. She looks at her, and Christen is drawn to her eyes. As Tobin looks at her in her eyes, lips slightly parted to allow for her shallow breath to be silent in this room full of their teammates and friends, her eyes are dark and pupils blown, past what the darkness in the room calls for, and she begins moving her hand back up from Christen’s knee. She starts slow, with just the pads of her fingers pressing tightly into Christen’s skin. As her hand reaches about half-way up Christen’s thigh, she presses her entire hand firmly into the flesh of her thigh and Christen’s breath catches a bit and she has to take a deep swallow of air to remain silent while retaining eye contact. But then Tobin doesn’t entirely stop her fingers when they reach the short’s line, but push just under, and Christen can’t keep her eyes from rolling back and her body from shaking a bit.
Tobin knows she is pushing things far past where they have ever been before, but she realized recently that she could not continue to go on indefinitely as they have for so long. Tobin has known for the last year or so that Christen wouldn't be opposed to this development, but she herself has struggled to accept her growing feelings. She also realized that Christen was not going to be the one to make the jump first; she was too wonderfully respectful of Tobin’s boundaries, letting Tobin decide how far to take each step. Over the last year it has been as though she has become addicted to Christen though. She hates their time apart in separate states, and when they are together for the national team, she hates that she still cant be next to her at every moment. She hasn’t voiced this sentiment to anyone, but she knows Christen has noticed the change.
They used to call to talk every week regularly, sometimes twice a week if something of note happened, otherwise sticking to texts. This last two up months or so they have been calling and talking almost every day, plus texting almost constantly as well. It was a gradual thing, increasing the frequency of the calls and texts. To Tobin’s relief, it wasn’t just her either. It just seemed as though there was more that needed to be discussed, or shared, or laughed about than there was before. She would call to tell Christen some ridiculous thing Sonnett did at their last practice, and then Christen would call for help with her turning a grill on, then something else, then something even less of a solid reason, till they didn’t have reasons any more, and the calls lasted hours while they simply lived their lives in their respective spaces.
It has probably been this slow build hat has allowed Tobin to realize what has happened and come to terms with the change in her feelings towards Christen. It isn’t that this has been her first time being attracted to a woman, but this is her best friend. This means more than anything before, because it would really ruin a lot of things for her, if her relationship with Christen was damaged in any way. She has never been brave enough to risk their friendship because of this. Yes, Christen wont object. Tobin knows Christen has wanted more for probably as long as Tobin, but she hasn’t ever acted on those desires either. Probably because Tobin made her question what she wanted. But tonight, Tobin was determined to leave nothing questionable on her side anymore. She finally knew what she wanted. So now, with her hand creeping up Christen’s perfectly smooth and soft skin, she can’t help but revel in the feeling of the woman sitting next to her.
As Christen’s body faintly shuddered, her breathing stammered, and her eyes closed, she realised that this could not continue in this room right now. They were too far away from what would be appropriate in public, even if this public was some of their closest friends. Actually, Christen thought, the fact that it was their friends, their team, made her even more apprehensive. They would want to know things, if any of them realised what might be occurring between her and Tobin now, and Christen really didn’t want to share this new development with any one just yet. This felt private, and almost sacred, to her right now. So, even though a large part of her wanted this touch to never end and just risk it all for even five more minutes of bliss, Christen opened her eyes and looked directly at Tobin, lifted just the corner of her mouth to reassure her friend, and gestured to the door with her eyes, hoping Tobin would understand, and started gathering her things.
All of this, from the time Tobin had looked directly at Christen; to Christen gathering her things, happened in the span of no more than two minutes. It was also the last minutes of the game the rest of the team had been analyzing clips from, so even though the night was still fairly young, it wasn’t too odd for Christen to head back to her room. The rest of them also broke off for a bathroom, drink refill, and snack breaks, so Christen said her goodnights and slipped out easily, leaving with a look at Tobin that she could only hope conveyed the desperate “follow me” that Christen was forcing back down her throat.
She was roomed with Allie this camp, so she knew that she would have her room to herself at least till the team was finished with every last clip and commentary. Deciding to take this time to do her personal night-before-a-game routine, she put her things from the day away and made sure she had everything she would need for tomorrow. Once she knew she was set for the next day, she laid out her mat and sat down comfortably to try to meditate for a bit. Though she hoped it would get cut short by Tobin, she had learned to take advantage of the quiet moments when the gals were around. It is almost ten minutes later and Christen is glad she has taken advantage of the alone time, when she hears a knock at her door.
As soon as Christen made the first move to separate herself from her, Tobin felt her panic raising. Imediately starting to question her actions, she doesnt regret what she did, but her nerves are already a bit fried by them, and Christen breaking the contact feels like a shattering of her composure inside. Then Christen gives her that look right as she turns out the door, and all Tobin wants to do is fly after her, and she thinks, hopes, that might have been what Christen wanted too.
The entire situation has been breaking from her hard-chill rule for pre-game-day, setting her heart racing since they had sat down in the chair together. As everyone around her breaks up for snacks and whatever else, she realises that her chill rule is exactly what will get her out of this cramped room full of her teammates. She gets up, stretches, and goes over to Allie at the sink to get some water.
“What do you think Harry?” Allie asks.
“About what?”
“Juice run”
“Ah.” Tobin half says half just huffs. “Not for me, I think. I need to get some chill in. This has been good, but not very hard, ya know?”
“Right. Hard chill. You going to head then? I think I want a juice. It’s still early enough, right Horan?” Lindsey just nods her accent, because of course there is time for juice. They live for the fruit and veggie blends during camp.
“Cool.” Tobin says. “Well, bright and early tomorrow then. Later.”, and she smoothly ducks out of the room, closing the door behind her.
Tobin pauses in the hall, thinking about the fact that she hasn't really had any chill time today, and she really does need to get some time in before the game tomorrow. Without it, she just won’t be in the right head-space for the challenge of the game. She also knows that she won't be able to get in the right zone now though, not without at least talking to Chrisen. She turns away from her room, knowing it might be a risk, but what’s one more for this night, right? Risk a little, risk it all; gain a little gain it all. Tobin really wants to gain it all with Christen.