Chapter Text
the mist covered hills beyond the wooden walls looked strangely inviting. nobody had ventured beyond the perimeter for years, only the most experienced ones were assigned to undertake tasks inside the nearest city. and even if kim yongsun had spent almost eight years developing her abilities to fight and survive, she was still kept in local patrol duties.
it was fine. or so she liked to think. the outside world frightened her as much as it intrigued her. twelve years had passed since the outbreak in south korea. ten since yongsun found a then small village that she’d help expand and defend. many had arrived ever since, some with ill intentions, others with the only purpose of looking for food and a place to belong to.
five years ago moon byulyi had been one of those. yong remembered the day she arrived with such clarity she always thought only days had passed. clothes torn, black hair cut short, knife wounds all over her arms and chest, eyes lost in a void yongsun was not sure she’d want to ever explore.
that person had changed with time, letting her true self blossom once she realized this place was to be trusted. loud and annoying while also caring and brave were things that made yongsun despise her and love her at the same time.
love.
for years the pair had been dancing around an unspoken feeling. it was stupid, really, but it was also frustrating. just when yongsun thought they were getting close to discovering the impalpable, they would both run away from it as if it were to bite them.
the thoughts of the slightly shorter woman were interrupted when a jacket was unceremoniously tossed on her head, making a mess of her already disheveled and dirty short, blonde hair.
she huffed when an unmistakable chuckle reached her ears.
“you looked cold. i’m just trying to be nice.” byulyi shrugged. the sleeves or her oversized red flannel rolled up to her elbows. the scars caused by the knife used to kill her loved ones all those years ago were still visible. yong tried not to stare most of the time.
“and you aren’t?” yongsun argued back. despite the discontent in her voice, she still slipped into the warm jacket gleefully, trying to hold back a thankful smile. that’s what they always did. that’s what they were comfortable with doing.
dancing around the inevitable.
“a bit. i care more about you being warm, though.”
ah, there it was. that greasiness that made the eldest want to throw byulyi off the tallest watch-tower around the village.
except she wouldn’t. not really. she would never say it out loud but she’d truly miss those stupid comments of hers. they made her feel funny inside.
“shut up and freeze to death then.” was the answer that she was able to come up with eventually.
byulyi laughed and in that moment, it was all that mattered to her.
⋉⋇⋊
they were relieved from their watch after midnight. the walk back home was always silent, always alert. even inside the village there had been incidents. maybe not infected biting their people, but wherever there are bars there are fights, and in a place full of weapons there is always trouble.
not on that night, though. yong’s cabin - their cabin - was one of the last ones in the compound. it might not have been as big as the ones in the front, but yongsun was always thankful for the quietude the alienation provided. her sister lived with her until she got married and left to live in one of the bigger houses.
yongsun didn’t have much time to enjoy her peace before byulyi was kicking the door open, dragging her whatever little luggage she owned behind. it was something they never really talked about either, and when the pair changed into more comfortable clothing and cuddled under the blankets to sleep, the words yong wanted to say died on her lips like they did every night.
⋉⋇⋊
the fields were never really byulyi’s favorite task of the day. too much dirt. too much sun boiling her skin. too much crouching. too much getting her good pair of sneakers filthy.
the more byul complained, the more yong loved it. it was a tad boring compared to patrol duties or killing infected, granted. but at the same time it was tranquil and silent, other than byulyi tripping over some roots.
sometimes she liked to be there only to close her eyes and pretend nothing in the world had changed. the years hadn’t been able to take away the trauma of seeing her friends die or the anxiety of waking up in the middle of the night, tangled in byul’s arms, with her revolver in hand.
byulyi had nightmares too sometimes. that’s why they slept in the same bed, or that was the excuse they’d been able to come up with at least. a knife had been used to murder her loved ones and so byul had become an expert with them.
a kitchen knife under the pillow. a machete hanging from her hip. a dagger hidden up her sleeve. a cutter in her right boot. a different type of knife for every scar on her arms.
she didn’t like guns. nobody did, really. but yong always thought they were quicker to use when coming across an infected. one. three. five. however many.
there weren’t many around, not that close to their village anyway. truth be told, yongsun hadn’t seen one in months. not ever since her last trip to the nearest store to get whatever canned food her and the rest of her group could find.
the man - if it had ever been a man - ran out the janitor’s closet during their inspection. a new guy had been attacked but not bitten. the sound of the bullet crashing into the corpse’s skull still lived in yong's mind. the stain that a piece of flying brain had left on her favorite yellow shirt was still there. the stench was still up her nostrils if she was able to concentrate enough on it.
patrol was fun until it wasn’t.
and they were supposed to go out of the perimeter the following afternoon. it was the first time byulyi would go with her group because hyejin was sick.
leading a group of averagely experienced people inside their safe zone was one thing. leading a group of people, byulyi among them, outside of their established area was something entirely different.
sometimes yong really wished she hadn’t been picked as the leader of group meta.
“are you alright?” byul asked from under the shadow of a large tree. it was clear that she’d given up on tending to the corn, choosing to sit back while munching happily on a peach.
rolling her eyes at the usual sight, yong replied, “i’m always alright.”
“nobody is alright in here.”
a bit irked, yongsun finally walked over to where her friend - friend? - was sitting. “so why are you so insistent on asking me if i am?”
“i-” a second. two. a bite to a juicy peach. “i just worry about you.”
was she just teasing her or being honest? yong could never really tell with moonbyul. maybe it was one of her greasy jokes attempting to uselessly masquerade the truth behind it.
the unspoken truth.
warmth rising on her cheeks, the group leader tried her best to come up with a witty comeback, much like the night before. “you’re exhausting.” were the only words she was able to formulate in the end. being with byulyi always did that to her.
a wink from the black-haired woman was her tipping point. a tomato served its purpose by hitting byul right on the chest, ruining her white t-shirt. the profanities that followed the act let yong know that she’d won that one.
i care about you too.
a silent prayer.
⋉⋇⋊
their hospital - or the large house they liked to call a hospital - was running out of supplies. whatever they could find would be useful. that had been their continuous mantra during the post-apocalyptic world they had to live in now. from time to time they’d come across old, scratched CDs that byulyi managed to play somehow in the old CD player.
she loved music. they both did. byul had a notebook to write down her songs and so did she. they never showed their work to one another, though. neither did they sing them out loud. those were their own. their thoughts, their feelings, their inner selves poured out in those writings and they were only for their eyes to read.
a broken cd case lied on the floor of the pharmacy they were at. it was one of yong’s favorite. she already had it, but having a backup wouldn’t hurt her. with a triumphant smile, the leader opened her empty backup and slid the cd in.
“make sure to check every corner.” she instructed when the group of 5 had neared the building. it was empty, mostly. there were some boxes full of pills that had expired a while ago. yong wondered if the local nurse could still do something with them. she put some into her blue backpack just in case.
“i’m checking the back.” byulyi said. it wasn’t a question and she was most definitely not following an order yongsun had given. but that’s what byulyi did. she never asked yong, she only let her know what she was going to do.
yong couldn’t do much but nod. “be careful.” it was more of an order with sweet hidden intent than a direct one.
“yes, mam.”
the sound of the back door creaking let her know that byul was onto her task. the lack of noise afterwards let her know that there was nothing to worry about in there. this made her let out a sigh of relief she didn’t know she’d been holding the entire time and with it, her shoulders relaxed for a moment.
it wasn’t that often that yong allowed herself to be at peace. not while being the leader of a group in a scouting mission for medical supplies for the first time in a while. patrol was definitely different from going on missions. not while being one of those that was regarded as one of the main rules in the village. not while living in the middle of a post-apocalyptic world.
the windows of the pharmacy were tinted, the halls dusty, the walls wasted away, and the shelves almost empty. but somehow, it still held a sense of familiarity to yongsun that she often missed while she lied in her bed next to a sleepy moonbyul, seeing the stars out of her small window.
the feeling of byulyi’s breath tickling her neck as she played with her hair distracted her for a second. in the reality they lived in, yongsun knew that a second was all it took for everything to go terribly wrong.
the leader felt herself be dragged away forcefully by the hand at the same time the sound of gunshots were heard outside, windows breaking and falling like the guys from the group that had been near them.
a shot. a thud. a scream.
start again.
repeat.
yong tried to fight her way out of the insisting claws that had a hold of her, pulling her back down a hallway that got darker and darker the more she went it. soon enough, a door was locked right in front of her eyes by a shaky moonbyul with blood on her fingers.
a dead man was lying to their right, poorly hidden behind a few empty boxes. throat sliced wide open. blood still sputtering freely out of the finely slit veins.
moonbyul’s work.
“come on.” byulyi whispered in a hurry, trying to get a sealed window to open with the least noise she could possibly make. bandits or infected, there was really no difference to what sounds would attract. whatever it was, it could still kill them.
“my- my group.” she stammered, eyes still fixed on the locked door.
“yong.” the nickname was usually said in a softer tone, not in a frantic one. it only made yongsun’s anxiety rise even higher.
“we have to go back. we - we have to save them.”
“they’re dead, yong. and if we don’t get out of here, we will be too.”
torn. she felt completely torn. there were times when byulyi would have to take on the role of leader, but that was only during their farming or training activities. never during a mission. never during a life or death situation.
that was yong’s job. yong’s responsibility. it was everything that invaded yong’s mind before she went to bed and as soon as she woke up from the little sleep she was able to get.
and yet, if it weren’t for byulyi, she would no longer be breathing.
it felt wrong. it felt like failure. it felt like -
“yong. let’s go. now.”
with her patience having run out already, byul was quickly to pull her friend to her feet when the window was finally cleared.
it was stupid. the great kim yongsun whom everybody regarded as one of the founding fathers of their little safe-haven being hauled around in order to assure her survival by a beginner scout on her first mission duty.
the great founding mother had gotten her team killed and hadn’t done a thing to prevent it.
her feet collided with the hard floor outside the pharmacy, followed by byul’s way better-looking backpack. then it was the youngest turn. the way she gracefully slipped out of the window made yong remember her earlier days, her younger days.
granted, she was not an old hag like wheein liked to call her, but after all the infected she had taken down, injuries she had suffered, raiders she’d fought, people she’d lost, she was not the same energetic, smart leader she once was.
as soon as byul met the floor beneath, the room they had been hiding in echoed with gunshots and loud gasps.
ah, so the guy byulyi had silently killed was one of them.
“oh, fuck me.” the black-haired girl groaned in frustration.
from the inside, all they heard was we will hunt both of you bitches down! before they were swallowed by the large forest behind the drugstore.
⋉⋇⋊
they were not lost. yong would not really call it lost. they were a bit misplaced, indeed, but not lost. patrol or scouting parties just didn’t usually take the road - if it could be called that - they were on due to, well, violent groups hanging around in the woods.
that was mostly at night time though. and while the sun was slowly setting, what they feared for the most was any infected.
“where to?” byul would ask her once or twice every thirty minutes or so. the leader - if in her mind she could still be called one - would do what she could to trace down clues previous groups had left behind on trees to mark the way back to the compound.
it worked once every five tries. this one was one of them.
“that way.” the slightly-shortest one said, pointing to her left, deeper and deeper into the woodlands.
they traveled in silence, which was something not too uncommon for them. byulyi did love to ramble about things not even she was sure about sometimes. her day, her job, the gossip around the village, her friends, the world out there. but other times they would walk around the shelter in silence. either day or night, they’d take comfort in each other’s presence and no words needed to be exchanged so they could feel whole.
that unspoken thing they shared.
so maybe that was why yongsun was surprised when the other woman spoke. “are you okay?”
it was a soft question. not asked in the sarcastic tone she used when yongsun danced like an idiot in the kitchen to some Chakra tunes blasting from her beloved and only working speaker. it was gentle. it was concerned. it was everything that byulyi only showed her during intimate moments like this.
everything that went unspoken between them.
yong could only nod with a faint smile on her lips. she knew it was a lie. byulyi knew it was a lie too. they knew each other too much not to decipher such an easy falsehood. but byul also knew that whenever yong lied, it was because she wanted to avoid the subject for however long it took her to process it.
a hand took another with care, fingers intertwining. yongsun let byulyi lead the way. she couldn’t take on the task after what had happened. she’d lost people in the past, she had. but never at her expense. never because she’d been daydreaming like a stupid middle schooler with some crush.
time had taken a toll on her, and so had byulyi.
tears rolled down her cheeks and the temporal-leader of the party of one traveling through the forest pretended not to notice. yong would only sniff meekly from time to time, and byul would turn around to wipe the newly formed tears in her eyes with calloused thumbs as smoothly as she could. then, they would be on their way again.
⋉⋇⋊
a cave would have to serve as their shelter for the night. it was too dark to keep going and byul swore she heard footsteps too close to them to feel safe. they knew those gangs raided nearby shops and villages like theirs at the darkest time of the night. they moved swiftly through the trees, quiet as a deer but deadly as a tiger.
chances would not be taken. not again. so a cave would do. it was small and deep. they had to crouch in order to crawl in but they both were able to fit comfortably enough. it was humiliating if anything, yongsun thought, to go from years of shooting masses of infected from a watchtower to hiding in the dirt like a scared rabbit.
the apocalypse could do really crazy things to one’s stability, she figured.
moonbyul puffed as she tried to switch positions and lay on her back against the hard ground. it had started raining outside and they could only hope that the water wouldn’t make its way in and soak them both. the last thing they needed after today was a cough.
it was until then that yong realized how close they really were in the enclosed space. it should’ve felt claustrophobic. not that one could allow oneself the privilege of having such phobias during the end of the world, but being with moonbyul made the rest of their surroundings disappear into thin air.
“come here.” byulyi said. commanded. asked. she didn’t even know anymore. earlier it had been an order so they could both live. now, it was a plea.
drowsy, yong allowed her body to finally relax and fall next to byulyi’s. her body fell limp, her muscles started to tremble, she felt hot and cold at the same time, and tears started to flow again.
the youngest could definitely feel the salted water soaking her favorite blue shirt. yong knew it because she felt arms wrap around her middle, pulling her closer until she rested in the crook of byul’s neck. usually it was the opposite, byulyi choosing to play needy and cling to yong like a koala through most of the night.
now it was yong’s turn to be held. it was so odd for her to be in this position that the realization only made her cry harder, sob louder, shake frantically. the sound of the storm outside hid any sorrowful cry coming from inside the hiding spot, and it made yongsun so happy because she didn’t think she would be able to stop even if it wasn't raining.
except she did. a kiss was pressed to the top of her head. her hair was smelly, she knew so, but byulyi didn’t care. the hand around her shoulders now hugged her tighter, thumbs caressing the now loosened muscles in her left arm.
“it was not your fault.” byul whispered with the same amount of care she’d asked her if she was okay just earlier.
yong could only sigh. “it was. i was not paying enough attention. i should have been keeping guard.”
“but you were not. that was not your job. that was tae-woo’s job.”
“yes, but i was the leader. i was supposed to make sure they-”
“you are our leader, yong. you can’t try to hold yourself responsible for everything that goes wrong in a mission.”
“i’m not really sure i can stay i’m a leader anymore.” she mumbled as she fell into slumber slowly.
you are, was the last thing she heard before falling asleep.
⋉⋇⋊
the sound of leaves being rustled in the distance was what woke her up. light shone brightly in the entrance of the cave, and yong jumped to her feet completely forgetting about the small cave. some rocks and dirt collided right on her forehead, an impact that sent her back to her previous position.
“someone’s awake.” a voice joked in the distance.
“urgh. why didn’t you wake me up? did you keep watch all night?”
moonbyul came into view, crouching as to not suffer the same destiny as the eldest. her eyes were sleepy, bags starting to form underneath them after a sleepless night. despite the hard effects on her, she only shrugged the matter off. “you needed to rest.”
“so did you.” there was no point in arguing with byulyi though. yong was well aware of it. it was like trying to make a point to a wall. it was like arguing with her own stubborn self. with a defeated whine, the woman sat up more slowly now. “what are you doing?”
“collecting herbs. i think wheein mentioned they needed some at the medical bay. there are plenty in this cave if you dig deep enough.” a bag full of fresh green herbs was placed right in front of her eyes.
yong couldn’t help but roll them. “don’t take them all out. let others grow in case we need more in the future.”
“i’m not planning to come back here if you ask me.”
“not even if i asked you to come with me?”
there it was. it was odd for yongsun to turn all greasy on byulyi, but sometimes she enjoyed some revenge towards the insufferable flirt opposite to her. she still felt guilty. she still felt sad. but the way byul’s cheeks blushed brightly in an adorable red color made her forget the grief for a few seconds.
a mocking chuckle left her lips for the first time in what felt like forever. byul tried to hide her face by crawling deeper into the cave and past yongsun, who was still laughing.
“shut up. you know i would.” she murmured to herself but it echoed in the walls of the cave. the groan that followed also did the same to her complete bashfulness.
yong stopped laughing, finally, and decided to also try to hide her cheesy smile while checking both of their backpacks. everything was still in there. the supplies they’d managed to find. ammo. knives. food. it was as if nothing had ever happened.
remembering, the smile disappeared from yong’s lips. “we should go. we’re not too far away from the village.”
“yeah. i’ll be right there.” moonbyul called back. she was digging now more into the cave, an unexplored dark area that they had failed to take notice of the previous night in the middle of their escape.
more herbs meant more material for wheein to work with in the laboratory. the blonde was well aware of that and knew why byulyi had an urge to collect as many as possible. they meant medicine, natural remedies for whatever sickness some sleep and hot broth couldn’t cure. it meant hyejin finally getting better and going back to the dances they enjoyed having once a month in the local bar.
it was all so stupid. dances, bars, fun in general while being surrounded by death and destruction. it was the only way they could cope with it all, though. all of their losses. all of their pain. all of their grief. the little moments they spent with one another took over those terrible memories for a little while and they felt unbroken, the four of them.
they made her feel like that.
byulyi specially.
byulyi that was so stupid but so smart. so adamant but so complaisant. so unnerving but so lovely. so perfect but so flawed.
byulyi was everything.
an everything that could be taken away at any given moment and evaporate, leaving nothing but longing and regret behind.
that is why yongsun didn’t hesitate when moonbyul screamed out her name in fear in the back of the cave. when the hand of an infected came dragging itself up from being under the earth for god knows how long at the smell of byul. when the hand then transformed into an arm and then into a full emerging, decaying corpse of what used to be a woman, nose gone, one eye hanging from its socket, skin the palest she had ever seen.
the damned corpse had her by the foot, trying to pull her into that half-buried body. byul tossed and kicked at the infected to no avail. getting close to it would mean the thing would be able to bite her shin or her thigh. anything that was near that mouth that had maggots crawling out.
with a swiftness she hadn’t felt in years, yongsun reached into byul’s backpack and took a large knife out. without fear, yong approached the disgusting creature that didn’t do more than hiss at her without letting go of byul’s black boot.
the blonde pulled her by the little hair the infected had left and gave her one stab. two. three. four. five. six. the hand stopped yanking at byul’s foot as it dropped motionless to its side.
blood, brains and pieces of skull flew everywhere.
seven. eight. nine. ten.
“yong.” she heard byulyi whisper from behind.
eleven. twelve. thirteen.
“yong.” closer now. a hand on her back, comforting.
i'm alive. you didn't lose me.
it was deader than it had been before. skull gone. face gone. head gone. hands bloody. shirt ruined. worms climbing up her arms.
good.
“not a leader my ass.” byulyi said followed by something that was either a hum of approval or a sigh of relief.
⋉⋇⋊
the walk back to the compound was uneventful. the men had been looking for them at night. their traces around the place they’d been hiding in gave that away. they were just glad they had decided to hide instead of moving ahead.
sometimes patience was better than impulsivity. byulyi had learned that from yong years ago, and now yong had learned it back.
the village mourned their murdered comrades. the feeling of guilt remained in yong’s heart for the following days. wheein tended to her wounds in the infirmary. she hadn’t even noticed that a bullet had grazed her arm. a few stitches worked magically, mainly because it was done by wheein.
byulyi bragged about the herbs that she’d gotten for her in the darkest, deepest cave with twenty infected coming at her at once. wheein had only rolled her eyes with a knowing smirk on her lips. hyejin just asked the doctor next to her to please give her something to go back to sleep so she wouldn’t have to listen to byul’s dumb-ass for the next few hours.
she felt wholesome again. guilt still gripped her heart. doubt of not being good enough engulfed her mind. despair for how much had been lost and how little had been gained consuming her body.
and yet, days later, when she heard wheein laugh in the middle of the bar at a jumping byul that had just been kicked in her wounded leg by an annoyed but joyful hyejin, she couldn’t help but feel happy inside again.
at least for a moment.
she would think everything and nothing at the same time. doubt would consume her but clarity would too. sadness would devour her but so would happiness. fear would drain her but so would bravery.
feelings were not linear, yong realized with a drink in hand, especially not in a post-apocalyptic world scenario where she happened to be in love with her best friend.
she would feel so much one day and so little on the other. some days she would feel a mix of everything and the world would come crashing down on her. but byulyi would always be there. just like she was as she hopped her way to her near the large bartender table that some of her friends had built for important survival purposes.
“you probably deserved it.” yongsun said before the short-haired girl could even open her mouth.
“it hurt.”
“i hope it did.”
“not enough to not ask you for a dance, though.”
ugh.
so insufferable.
she would risk her life, absolutely everything, for moonbyul without hesitation at any given moment.
it still didn’t take away the fact that she was insufferable.
but still, she found herself circling byulyi’s neck with her hands, arms resting on the other woman’s strong shoulders. a blush threatened to expose her when byul’s hands held her by the waist, bringing them closer, bodies touching, breathing the same air.
byul’s fingers toyed with her loose white sweater on her sides. it tickled, so she leaned in to rest her head on moonbyul’s shoulder, cheek-to-cheek.
her face flushed as well. yong could feel the warmth emanating from it. she managed to hide a shy smile, thankfully, and she knew that byul had as well.
the music was slow and so was their dancing. the people around disappeared just like the cave had days before.
only the two of them existed.
only the two of them mattered.
only the two of them knew the unspoken words.
they didn’t need to say it.
they both knew.