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JJ sat quietly, her vision blurring with tears, as she tried to keep the old white farmhouse in focus. Her jaw tensed and her fingers drummed slightly along the steering wheel. She swallowed past the lump in her throat and swiped hastily at her cheeks. From the vantage point in her white suv she should see the cardboard boxes stacked along the porch in what appeared to be three separate piles each one presumably labeled with one of her parents names or her own. She briefly wondered who would get Roslyns’ stuff. Who had packed up her room after all these years?
Pushing the thought aside she slid off of the leather seat and headed toward the house her boots crunching along the gravel before landing on the first of the wooden stairs. She stopped glancing down at the two small sets of handprints permanently pressed into the concrete that held the wooden posts upright. She ascended the porch and eyed the stacks of boxes. Smiling grimly at the realization that she had been right. Her name scrawled across the cardboard in what was distinctively her mother’s handwriting. Her fingers traced slightly along the letters before turning toward the door. Her parents’ voices full of forced civility just beyond the battered wooden frame.
“Sandy, I don’t care.” The older blonde sighed “Well, goodwill then? I’m not sure who keeps the anniversary gifts, Jeff”
JJ could hear the glass rattling in the box as it unceremoniously landed against the wood floor. “I thought I heard Jennifer on the porch” He tossed over his shoulder as he taped the top of another box. “She hates its when you call her that!” She admonished shaking her head slightly “That’s her name” Sandy signed “I know her name,Jeff. But I don’t call you Jeffery do I? No. Because you’ve asked me not to. You could extend the same courtesy to our daughter” He sighed dropping the tape and turning to face the door “Jen? Are you coming in or just eavesdropping?” JJ pushed the door open and stepped inside slowly “I was just looking at the boxes” No matter who she was outside, What the world thought of her, once inside this house once inside she was just JJ. Her parents were still her parents and her sister was still gone. Her favorite dog was still buried out back under her mama’s cherry tree. She glanced over at the shelf that had held her soccer trophies for years, now it was bare save for the dusty outline of what had been there. “They’re packed, baby.” Sandy assured her before Jeff spoke “I wrapped them for you. Packed em’ up real nice, pumpkin” The tears stung her eyes as she blinked against the ache that had taken up along her jaw she could only nod. Her eyes refusing to meet theirs as she picked up an empty box. “I’ll start on my room” Jeff cleared his throat “House is mostly done. Just a few things left” he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder “If you need any help up there just holler.” She nodded placing her hand on the worn banister and avoiding the creaky bottom step she made her way up the stairs. Her eyes traveled along the wall that had held family photos, school pictures, and years of sports pictures. Her parents wedding photos the only ones that had remained at the top of the stairs. She stopped her fingers ghosting along the frame before she took it down and carefully placed it in the bottom of the box.
She stepped inside her room taking a deep breath she headed toward her bed. Mr.Grouch still sat keeping a silent vigil over the memories that she had left inside the floral covered walls. She carefully placed him in the box along with the wedding photo. She drifted to her bulletin board and pulled out the remnants of her child hood pin by pin adding them to the box that she would probably leave in her garage until she moved or died. She almost chuckled out loud at the last thought. The irony of her mother and father having to sort through all they had called her out to sort through.
She opened the dresser and tossed the old clothes onto her bed. Soccer uniforms, t-shirts, and mismatched socks. The profiler in her fought to recognize it as her own, the room of a teenager, Just a kid when she had left for college was all she could see. The uncertainty and quirky bits. Jean shorts she and the girls from the team had dipped in bleach her Junior year, a shirt from a dance competition she didn’t remember, the ribbons from field day, and the tiny hello kitty figure set that Roz had given her for Christmas the year before she passed away. She tucked the tiny cats into her pocket next to Buddy’s tag and moved on to the book case. Not sure when or who had silently dropped off the empty boxes but eternally grateful for the gift. She loaded box after box with books, year books, old notebooks, partially colored coloring books, and magazines.
Eight boxes later the room that she had lived 18 years of her life in looked like a shell of its former self, much like it’s occupant, the contents had been jumbled and left in disarray only to be hastily tossed into boxes to be forgotten.
She slid the last of her boxes into the hallway. Hastily scribbling her name along the sides. She lifted a small stack into her arms and headed down the stairs avoiding eye contact with her still squabbling parents she went directly out the front door and toward the back of her car. Once they were loaded she headed back inside “I’ll start on the garage” Jeff pushed a few boxes in her direction “I’ll join you in just a little bit” JJ nodded heading out the side door and into the garage. The musky smell of old oil and dust assaulted her senses causing her to cough lightly. Her fingers traveled the well worn path to open the garage door and flip on the light. The small boat they had built sat silent and unfinished. That wooden boat had been JJ’s greatest accomplishment the summer she had turned 13.
/“Dad! Let’s put a bell on the front” The lanky blonde swung her leg over the side sliding a paint brush along the freshly sanded wood. “If you think she needs a bell then I think we have to find her one!” He ruffled his daughters hair laughing lightly “Dad did I tell you about Sarah? She just moved here she’s a forward! She has the best hair and she always has lip gloss!” JJ shook her head in disbelief “She’s so pretty. I wonder if she’d go to the movies with me?” The blonde continued to paint the side of her boat oblivious to the fact that Jeff had visibly tensed next to her “Jen, you know you shouldn’t...she’s a girl. You can’t ask her to the movies” JJ looked bewildered “Why not?” He placed a soft hand on her shoulder “Honey, what about Travis? He really likes you and I’d bet he’d love to go out to the movies with you!” JJ dropped her brush back into the bucket “I really like Sarah though” He sighed again “It’s not okay to like girls the way you’re supposed to like boys and I know you’re young and you don’t understand why and you won’t for a while yet but one day you’ll see it’s for the best to keep those feelings to yourself” She nodded softly. She wasn’t any less confused but she picked up the brush none the less and continued./
JJ shook off the memory that had clouded her vision with tears. She packed away the old jump rope, and threw away the crumbling bits of side walk chalk. She picked up Roz’s skates and added them to the box. Leaving the tools and bungee cords she dug around rifling the tool chest for a screw driver. Making her way over to the boat she unscrewed the tiny silver bell that had tarnished with age. She carefully wrapped it in an old paint rag and added it to the box before closing the top and sitting it outside the garage. She wiped her hands along her thighs leaving smears of dirt on her light wash jeans. She sighed heavily before heading back inside. Stopping short just outside the laundry room. Her fingers came to rest on the doorframe. Trailing along all of the tiny marks differentiations made with crooked ‘R’s’ and ‘J’s’ stopping at the last set that had been marked the year Roslyn had died. JJ was taller than that last ‘R’ now and she couldn’t help but wonder how tall she would have been. Tears filled her eyes she headed back to the garage and pulled down a can of white paint. Grabbing a brush she sniffled trying to keep the ache out of her jaw as she rushed back inside crying softly as she swiped the marks over with the white paint. The memories too personal to be left to the callous hands of strangers.
Sandy stood vigil over her daughters pain. Watching as JJ packed away and covered the first years of her life with paint.
After one last walk through she stepped into the back yard wandering in the direction of their cherry tree. “Hey buddy” she spoke softly sinking to the plush grass “I’ve missed you an awful lot. So much has happened and as much as I’m going to miss our talks it’s looking like this may be it.” Tears filled her eyes again as she softly stroked the grass “I love you. I always will. No one will ever take your place” She pulled the small silver tag from her pocket and placed it on the ground. “You go on. You go to better yards okay?” She kissed her hand and pressed it to the ground “If you came to visit from time to time I wouldn’t argue” she pushed herself up from the ground and headed toward her car.
Sandy and Jeff stood on the porch holding their keys. JJ pulled out her key ring and took off the battered silver key and pressed it gently into her fathers hand. He leaned forward capturing her in a hug “I love you, JJ” she shifted her voice muffled by his shoulder “I love you too dad” She backed away and hastily embraced her mother “I’ll see you for lunch on the 18th don’t forget!” Sandy kissed her cheek and walked her down the steps “Be safe.” “I will mom” she climbed into her car started the engine taking one last look at her house and parents she pulled out onto her street for the last time.
The drive home was silent. JJ had almost stopped twice. Emotionally exhausted and physically drained the lines along the highway blurred together mixing with the memories and emotions that had barely settled along the surface.
5 hours after she had started she pulled into the condo complex. Practically falling out of the car she all but ran up the stairs fumbling with her keys only to be met by the taller brunette swinging the door open ready to admonish her for not answering her phone her aggravation quickly took a back seat to concern as she stepped forward pulling the smaller blonde into her arms “Jayje, come on. I’ll run you a bath” JJ clung to her crying softly “Just hold me” Emily shifted to completely wrap around her “Of course”