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It was when Callum was peacefully asleep beside him that Ben first properly saw it. Callum’s chest was bare and slightly flushed in the most beautiful way, and it rose and fell every so often with steady breaths. He lay on his right side, facing Ben with an arm out, pulling Ben closer. Ben let his eyes fall over Callum in his sleep, but they caught on his left side, and the scar that lay there. It was thin and mostly white, winding from just below his ribcage to around his hip. Ben had noticed the scar the first time, of course, but the first time had been different- it was hot and heavy, urgency pumping through both their veins, and, as much as Ben had hated to think about it, it could well have been a one off. So he’d ignored the scar, let Callum believe he hadn’t spotted it, and gone about his business.
Except now, Callum wasn’t just one of Ben’s one-night-stands, he was his boyfriend. They were together, and it was slow and sweeter now, a gentle press of their bodies together, no sense of urgency. Now, Ben was overcome with this overwhelming need to know everything there was to know about Callum, about this strange, beautiful enigma of a man lying in front of him. He wanted to know every one of his stories, every part that made up his past, everything that came together like a patchwork quilt to build the man in front of him now. It scared him, how much he wanted to know Callum- he hadn’t felt that urge in years, usually content to sleep with a man then ship him out of bed the next morning without another thought. But Callum, there was something so different about him; he’d wormed his way into Ben’s head and stuck there like an earworm, forcing Ben to pay attention. Yet, as soon as Ben had, he couldn’t take his eyes off of Callum, couldn’t get him out of his head. He so desperately wanted to know the other man inside out, but actually asking? Well, that was another ballgame.
-
His moment came a few days later. Ben had treated them both to a night out at the cinema next to the theatre, laughing over some cheesy comedy and sharing a bucket of salty popcorn (“Callum, salt is great and all, but buttered is the best!”, “No, Ben! What is wrong with you?”) and a quiet, yet perfect walk back to Callum’s flat, where Whitney was out for the weekend; hand in warm, soft hand. That beautiful smile didn’t slip from Callum’s face the whole way back to his flat, not even when the two of them collapsed into Callum’s bed, eyes trained on each other, emotion that they didn’t dare voice in that connection between them. Ben leant forward to press a gentle kiss to Callum’s lips, his eyes closing on contentment, reaching his hand out to settle just above Callum’s hip. As soon as Ben’s hand settled, Callum flinched, pulling away from Ben quickly, tugging his hand away. He took in a shaky breath, his eyes closed.
“Callum?” Ben asked, unfiltered concern filling his voice. “What’s wrong?”
“S-sorry,” he whispered, his eyes still closed. He turned to sit up, a hand still over the spot where Ben had laid his hand, over the left side of his chest- shit.
“Your scar,” Ben said, the realisation hitting him suddenly. “Callum, did I hurt you? I’m so sorry if-“
Callum just sighed. “You know?”
“What, about the scar? Yeah, I kinda noticed,” Ben’s smirk faded as soon as an embarrassed blush climbed onto Callum’s cheeks. “Sorry, sorry. Don’t do well with serious.”
Callum at least smiled a little at that, his eyes flickering open to connect with Ben’s, vulnerability shining in them.
“You know it doesn’t bother me, right?” Ben said, offering Callum a small smile in return.
“It should,” Callum said, hands playing with the duvet nervously. “I hate it. I hate people knowing about it.”
Ben frowned, a little guilt pulsing through him at the embarrassment clear on Callum’s face. Fuck, if he’d just thought properly, they could have avoided all of this.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Ben said instead, reaching a hand out to Callum, who took it, lacing their fingers together. His other hand still lay covering his scar. “But- you shouldn’t have to feel ashamed of it, Callum. Especially not around me.”
Callum didn’t reply for a while, instead training his eyes on their adjoining hands.
“You want to know how I did it, right?” he said instead, his eyes flickering up to meet Ben’s for a moment, vulnerability shining in them.
“Only if you want to tell me,” Ben replied, giving Callum’s hand a squeeze.
“My therapist always says it’s good for me to talk about it, but I just- sometimes it’s hard to think about without getting caught up in all of it again.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” Ben said, moving to sit next to Callum, back against the headboard. Callum offered him a small smile and began talking.
“It was the reason I got discharged. It should have been just a routine patrol. It was me and this other guy, Chris.”
Callum’s voice caught on the name, just slightly, and his eyes drifted closed again. He took in a shuddering breath. Curiosity pumped through Ben at the response, but he didn’t dare push, knowing that Callum would tell him what he could- pushing would get them nowhere.
“We were just finishing off the patrol and we both got distracted. We weren’t really paying much attention, until I heard this beeping. Everything happened so fast, and he- Chris pushed me out of the way,” Callum said, his voice becoming more and more strained. Ben noticed his hand anxiously stoking over his scar, tracing just around the skin almost unconsciously as he talked. “That’s all I remember really, woke up in an army hospital two days later. They said it was an IUD.”
“Cal,” Ben said softly, searching desperately for what to say, but coming up with nothing. He reached out a hand to Callum, who took it gratefully, lacing their fingers together.
“The scar is from shrapnel. They had to operate on me. It’s still sensitive sometimes. Doctors say it’s some sort of phantom pain, some psychological crap,” he explained, though he didn’t meet Ben’s eyes, as if there was something else on the tip of his tongue.
“Callum-“
“Chris died,” he whispered, tears tracing down his cheeks. “I-in the explosion, he died after he pushed me away.”
“Callum, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to,” Ben replied, squeezing Callum’s hand reassuringly. “But- do you want to talk about him?”
Callum looked to Ben, confusion crossing his face. “Really?”
Ben nodded. “I’m here to listen to whatever you want to tell me, but don’t feel like you have to, yeah?”
Callum nodded, offering Ben a weak smile. “I th-think I want to.”
Ben just smiled in sympathy, shifting so that he sat right up against Callum, their hands still clasped and sides pressed together.
“I met him when I joined up. It was like we just- clicked straight away. I didn’t- I didn’t really know back then, you know, that I liked him, I didn’t really get what it all meant but it was just- good. We never- we never did anything. I think he knew that I wasn’t ready for anything real yet, and he was just- so patient with me. I didn’t even know what was going on in my own head half the time, but he was always there.”
Callum went quiet for a minute, a tear rolling gently down his cheek.
“I hated myself after he died. I just- I hated that I never told him how I felt, I hated that I pushed him away, I hated that he died trying to save me,” Callum whispered, as though it was some secret truth, something between him, Ben, and the night sky outside. “I hate my scar because it reminds me of him- of everything that I never told him and everything that he did to save me. Plus it’s ugly.”
“Cal,” Ben said quietly, rubbing a gentle thumb over the back of Callum’s hand. “He did what he did because he cared about you. He loved you, and I’m sure he must’ve known you felt the same. You shouldn’t feel guilty.
“I do though, I always have,” Callum replied. “He’s the reason why I came out when I got back. I felt like I owed it to him, you know?”
“Yeah, I get it,” Ben said quietly. “A little while ago, just after I came out, I was with this guy- Paul. We were together for about a year, but- we got attacked, and he, uh, he died. I spent so long after it feeling guilty, feeling like I couldn’t move on. Sometimes I still get that guilt, and sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t get to move on with my life, but- it does get easier, I promise.”
Ben could feel the tears threatening to spill in his eyes, but for once, he didn’t feel afraid. Thinking about Paul had always been difficult, but something in him didn’t feel quite so afraid to open up to Callum.
“I’m sorry you lost him,” Callum said, squeezing Ben’s hand in his.
“I just- I want you to know I understand. I know it probably sounds stupid, but for a long time after he died, it felt like I was never going to feel like that again, like- feeling like you could just be around someone, you know?” Ben replied, vulnerability clear in his voice. “Then I met you.”
The look on Callum’s face when their eyes met was one he couldn’t quite understand, until Callum pressed his lips against Ben’s, and all of that tension was just gone.
“I love you,” Calum muttered into his lips, and then froze. Callum pulled away quickly, while Ben’s mind still processed the words, words he hadn’t heard said like that since Paul died, words that he didn’t think he’d be able to really feel again. Yet- there with Callum, hearing him say those three words to him, it felt as though nothing could feel so right.
“I love you too,” Ben said, before Callum could say anything else. The smile that crept onto his face was worth everything.
“Yeah?” he said, as if the thought of Ben really loving him back was so ridiculous.
“Of course I do, you idiot,” Ben said, that intoxicating feeling of joy burning through his veins. Callum laughed, pulling Ben into him.
“Thank you,” he said. “For understanding about this.”
“I’m always here for you, Cal,” he said, pressing a kiss to Callum’s cheek.
“I love you. Fuck, that feels good to say.”
“What, you been thinking about it for a while?” Ben said, and he couldn’t help the hint of nervousness seeping into his voice.
“Yeah, uh. Yeah, pretty much since- you helped me with my nightmare the first time,” Callum said, blush colouring his cheeks.
“You’re incredible,” Ben said instead, pressing his lips against Callum’s.
They didn’t do much more talking after that.