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You don't really know how it happens. But when it's here, it won't leave you alone for one moment.
At first, you don't realize. 'Cause it's just him, you know. He is just Balthazar, one of your best friend, someone you care about, someone you call "brother" from time to time because it just seems like the strongest word to describe someone as important as he is to you.
You admire him. He is the most talented person you know, but also one of the kindest. You admire his serenity, his lucidity. Actually, the first time you see him lose a bit of his temper is the day following Hero's birthday. The night had been short, but, at the same time, endless. You were frustrated, and angry, and disoriented. And when you came to him - because of course you would come to him, he was your friend - he looked at you with such a disdain that you couldn't make a move. Without a single word, he grabbed his bag and left the spot.
You still remember the emptiness, the cold. A few weeks passed before the two of you got able to talk again.
It's when things got back to normal, or at least, when everyone wanted them to be, that you start to wonder. Not that you suddenly realize he is your soulmate and you should head towards the sun hand in hand, not at all. But everything you do, everything you say... It doesn't seem enough. Like, you may laugh with him, you may have long conversations with him, you are not satisfied.
Because now, you see him as a whole person, as something other than "a friend", or "a brother". You realize how great he is in general, not only in the frame of your friendship. The way he talks to other people, the way he laughs with them... It brings a smile onto your face and you want to go to him, to have a piece of him for you. Sometimes, he catches you staring and you look down, confused. You want to get closer to him.
And that is when it hits you. Balthazar is not just your friend anymore, not from your perspective at least. You have to fight against the voice in your head that goes "he is so much more than that" , because if you rephrase it, it becomes "he is more than just a friend" and that is the typical sentence of... You don't even know. You don't want to know.
The complete realization comes gradually, as you try to distance yourself from the group. Piece by piece, you come to understand what this is really about. You want to be with him. You want him to be with you.
Days pass before the guys start to ask themselves what is going on. Claudio, then Ben, Bea, and even Meg, send you texts asking if there is anything wrong. You answer them briefly.
One day, you find him sitting under a tree in front of you, alone. You stare for less than two seconds before he lifts up his head and look at you as well. He smiles and you take it as an invitation to sit beside him.
The silence stretches between you two, slightly awkward, but not in an unpleasant way. Before you can predict anything, Balthazar starts to giggle, and you are running a hand in his hair to tease him. Your arm falls slowly and ends up on his shoulders. Another moment elapses, and your forehead rests against his. One of you has to make the move, so Balthazar leans forward. You can't help but smile when his lips meet yours.