Work Text:
"I'm not gonna wander these woods forever besides I'm allergic" Wirt said.
"I'm sorry what?"
"...I have a pollen allergy"..
everything was suddenly quiet.
the beast seemed to be taken back by what he just said.
"...are you suggesting that I bed you?" he asked awkwardly.
"wait...what". Wirt turned red as. cherry not just because it was cold as they were standing in snow.
"don't get me wrong your clearly pretty and I'm flattered really"
Beatrice was laughing her ass off.
and than a realization hit him.
dammit he knew he should have paid better attention to biology.
Wasn't pollen just plant sperm.
he basically told the beast who he just saw was an edelwood tree that he was allergic to his sperm.
and was for some reason thinking of plant sperm in the first place.
what the hell is wrong with him.
he wanted to hit himself over the head.
why in gods name did he say that.
"wait no that's. not what I meant really!".
"ah no don't panic. I'm not rejecting that offer I'm sure we can do something about that allergy of yours".
wait the beast was down for it too.
it can't get any worse.
....but now that he thinks about it,
would he sink so low to sleep with the beast to forever rid himself of that pollen allergy and possibly save greg?
eh ...he had low self-esteem anyways.
Screw allergy season!
"...yeah actually I did mean that I'm your new laterern bearer just let Greg go and let's go!".
"Wirt!?!" Beatrice and the woodsman looked at him schocked.
mouth having dropped open.
"hey Beatrice please take care of Greg for me awhile thanks bye". with that he tossed her the scissors
"wait no come back!"
....
and so their quest began to cure Wirt's sperm allergy.