Chapter Text
"We can't risk that again Erwin." Levi hissed. "Too many soldiers died the first try..." Everything fell silent as Hanji and Erwin transferred their attention to Levi. Multiple painful memories ran through Levi's head. He still hasn't gotten over what happened on the previous expedition to reclaim Wall Maria. Although, Hanji immediately realized what was going on in Levi's mind.
"Well, maybe this time it will work," As Hanji finished her sentence, Eren, Mikasa, and Armin quietly walked by the almost closed wooden door that led into the room. The three were on their way to grab a bite to eat when they overheard Erwin, Hanji, and Levi's discussion. All three paused by the door.
"What are they talking about?" Eren whispered but was quickly silenced by Mikasa slapping her hand over his mouth. Eren didn't hesitate to rip Mikasa's palm off of his lips.
Erwin pondered as he looked between the planning papers and the single candles that dimly lit the crammed room.
"Well our missions are never safe. Plus the Female Titan will no longer be an issue-" Erwin's sentence was interrupted by the sound of Levi's fist slamming against the wooden table. The table shook for a moment making the hot tea in Levi's white teacup sway back and forth. Eren, Mikasa, and Armin all jumped from the sound.
"I'm not going to let another one of my soldiers die in vain!" Levi's silver eyes glared into Erwin's soul, sending a shiver down Erwin's spine. His glare alone was enough to terrify anybody. Eren leaned in to listen. He had never heard Levi speak like that before.
"I'm not loosing another soldier Erwin." Levi repeated. "I swear, if you go through with this..." Hanji placed her gentle hands on Levi's tense shoulders.
"Levi," she spoke quietly. "We can't control who dies and who doesn't. It's a part of the job. Plus Erwin's right. We won't have to worry about the Female Titan anymore."
"What about the Armored Titan? What about the Colossal Titan? Don't any of you think this through?!" Levi stood up out of his chair abruptly and started for the door.
"Levi!" Hanji shouted.
Just before Levi could reach the door handle (which scared the heck out of the three standing on the other side of the door.) he paused for a brief moment. "Just think about it a little more," Levi spoke with a serious and annoyed tone to his voice. "I don't want any unnecessary casualties. I'm just saying you need to think this through. You only thought of this yesterday," Levi turned around with a dead serious expression on his face, almost looking like complete frustration. "How did you feel when everyone died?" Erwin listened to that sentence carefully. He knew exactly who Levi was referring to.
"Your squad helped us all," Erwin began cautiously. "They ended up making the Female Titan tired so we could get the advantage." Levi stared (more like glared) at Erwin with an 'are you kidding me?' expression plastered on his face with his mouth slightly open in annoyance. Eren watched in complete awe.
"Eren," Mikasa whispered as she tugged his sleeve. "Come on." Armin and Mikasa rose from the ground and began heading the direction they intended to go in the first place.
"Eren," Mikasa repeated.
"Hold on a second Mikasa," Eren replied back.
"No Eren, we'll get caught. Come on." Mikasa continuously nudged Eren to get up although, Eren wanted to stay and watch. "Eren!" Mikasa silently nudged. Eren's attention was still on Levi.
"Are you serious Erwin?" Levi growled back. "You're trying to tell me what I want to hear but it's time to face facts." The tone to Levi's voice was able to pierce through Erwin's mind. "Don't proceed with the expedition." Levi finished and opened the door to see Eren scrambling to run off but Eren soon landed flat on his face. Eren's body trembled with fear, he was absolutely certain that he was going to be kicked...hard. Eren held his arms up to his face, bracing for impact...nothing happened. Levi had turned around and walked the other direction, completely ignoring Eren. Also ignoring the fact that Eren could have been there to hear the entire conversation he had with Erwin. Although, Levi was too agitated to care about it.
"Heichou?" Eren called curiously, but Levi had already disappeared down the dark hallway. His silhouette was visible for a split moment then faded back into the shadows. Eren sat on the floor and stared at the empty hallway until Mikasa placed her hand on his shoulder. Eren flinched out of her grip as soon as her hand made contact with his shoulder.
"Don't worry about him," Hanji walked to Eren's side as she stared down the hallway with him. "He's just a little... um..." Hanji bit her tongue realizing she was saying too much. Eren met Hanji's gaze with an awkward silence accompanying them. "Anyway, I thought we could do another test tomorrow! When you fought the Female Titan your strength was believable!" Hanji started to jump and down uncontrollably as she went on and on about Eren's titan powers.
"Oi Hanji!" Erwin called out. Hanji's attention turned to Erwin while her body stopped jumping up and down. "Let the poor boy be. You've been glued to his hip ever since he joined the Scouts." Hanji's enormous grin steadily turned into a frown. Extreme disappointment was plastered on her face.
"It's alright Hanji," Eren rose from the ground. "I'll meet you by the picnic tables tomorrow." Eren smiled trying to lift Hanji's spirits... Which didn't take long. The grin she had on her face grew three times larger and her eyes lit up tremendously.
"Okay!" She screeched so loud it could make your ears bleed. "Yahoo!" She screeched even louder as she ran down the hallway. Eren held his head and sighed heavily.
LLLLL
Eren ate his piece of bread silently as he thought of Levi. It was strange to see him show that type of emotion and frustration. Levi was usually an emotionless, cold person. The main thing Eren focused on, was how Levi reacted when he starting talking about his soldiers and people dying in vain. There was so much about Levi that Eren wanted to know.
"Eren," Armin whispered. Eren jumped in reaction and nearly choking on his bread.
"Jeez Armin, don't scare me like that." Eren gasped.
"Sorry, but you kept looking off. Is something on your mind?"
"No!" Eren answered immediately. Eren realized he might have answered a little too quickly. Armin looked at Eren even weirder now. "Well, I... uh... was just thinking about what Erwin and those guys were talking about when we walked by. I think we might be going on another expedition." Eren frowned noticeably.
"Does that bother you?" Armin asked with a tone of concern.
"Well I just keep thinking about the last expedition... I don't want everyone trying to protect me and die for no reason. It makes me feel like everyone's death is my responsibility." Eren choked on his words and covered his mouth, then buried his head in his hands. Eren desperately tried to keep his tears at bay. He felt his right eye start to drip with tears. Eren felt Armin's hand land on his shoulder.
"Eren," he spoke. "That was three months ago. You're not still thinking about that are you?" Eren didn't answer, he was nearly choking on his own tears. He couldn't even think about speaking.
Armin rubbed Eren's upper back softly and slowly, attempting to try and calm him down. Armin felt Eren's breathing slow down and become more even.
"Come on brat," a cold voice called out from behind. "You're still blaming yourself?" Eren lifted up his head and saw Levi holding his regular white teacup with piping hot tea swaying inside. Levi sat down at the table beside where Eren was sitting and took a sip of his tea. "I thought I told you before, no one could have predicted the outcome. That's that."
"Heichou..." Eren gazed at Levi. So many questions ran through Eren's head. He wanted to ask Levi each and every one but Eren kept his mouth shut for his own sake of not getting beaten. Levi's shining silver eyes stared straight into Eren's green eyes. Levi set his teacup down beside him on the table.
"So don't feel guilty." Levi looked down at his hands. "It wasn't your fault..." Levi sat in silence for a moment. The way he was talking was like he was telling all of this to himself. Eren, Mikasa, and Armin stared at Levi in silence. "Dammit." Levi winced before hurrying off in a huff, taking his tea with him. Eren kept his eyes on Levi as he exited.
"Oh my gosh," Eren held his hand over his mouth swiftly before folding his arms on the table and placing his head on his arms. "I'm such an ass!"
"Eren?" Armin nudged Eren's shoulder.
"He's been trying so hard to forget the last expedition and I just freaking reminded him of it! Oh my gosh! I'm so stupid!" Eren lifted his head up and ran his fingers through his hair.
"We've all been trying to forget it." Mikasa finally spoke. "It hurt everyone in some way... Some more than others." Mikasa took another sip of water. Eren let out another sigh. "It looks like this one got him the worst."
"Well he lost his entire squad," Armin added in. "But I don't even think shed a tear." Eren turned his head to the side and scanned Armin's facial expression. Armin folded his arms and thought to himself deeply.
LLLLL
The rest of the day dragged on. There was nothing that needed to get done. No major titan attacks, no cleaning to do, no researching, nothing. The only thing that was really on anyone's mind was Christmas. Even though Christmas was less than four weeks away, people still talked about it. Christmas was a time of year that everyone took a break from mourning the loss of their friends and come together instead. Broken pieces are glued back together and spirits are lifted. Instead of mourning, people celebrate the amazing lives their fallen comrades had for the time they had to enjoy it.
Later at dinner that day, that was actually what everyone talked about.
"Oh I love Christmas!" Hanji squealed. She went on and on along with the group while Eren sat back and thought to himself. Personally, his favorite thing about winter was the snow. He pictured in his head the ice lands that Armin had told him about. Usually, they would get a small sprinkle of snow, or some years it would be enough to cover the strands of grass slightly. He picture the ground completely white and covered with snow and how beautiful it would look like. Eren shivered at the thought of a frigid wind brushing his face which sadly, wrenched him back to reality.
"And Levi Heichou's birthday is on Christmas!" Hanji grinned. Levi shot her a piercing glare with his steely grey eyes as he paused just before he took a sip of tea.
"Really!" Krista smiled with excitement. Her spark of excitement ignited a huge wave of commotion around the table directed at Levi.
"I didn't know your birthday was on Christmas!" Jean yelled. Everyone else continued to pay all of their attention to their Corporal. Everyone was excited to hear that a birthday was coming up... All except Levi himself.
Levi shot Hanji a 'why the hell did you just say that?' scowl. Hanji smiled basically saying she had no regrets. Levi looked back at everyone's glowing, excited faces. His usual annoyed expression was plastered on his face. Levi closed his eyes and shook his head. Levi grabbed the back of his chair and got up. Hanji's smile faded as Levi started for the door. Everyone's chatter died down as well.
"What's his problem?" Connie snickered. Everyone's eyes widened as their attention turned to Connie. The realization of what he just said, hit Connie like a punch in the face. Little did he know, Levi didn't exit the room yet. Levi paused just before he reached the wooden door and scowled back at Connie.
Connie's fear was easy to point out by his facial expression. Although, Levi's next move was shocking to everyone. Levi just turned around and walked out while slamming the door behind him. The look on everybody's face was priceless. Their jaws dropped straight to the ground with scattered gasps heard around the table. Especially Eren. The statement Connie spoke was like he was asking to get a beating from Levi.
"Is something up with him?" Hanji whispered into Erwin's ear. Erwin shrugged in response.
Eren stared blankly at the wooden door which was slammed shut. No one thought it was even possible for Levi to act like this. There was so much about Levi, Eren didn't know. More like, there was so much about Levi, Eren wanted to know.