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I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. Alexander repeated to himself as he stared in the mirror. This is the beginning of my legacy.
He was alone in his dressing room, only moments away from marrying Elizabeth Schuyler. He, a bastard orphan, was going to be someone’s husband. And in the future, someone’s father. He could scarcely wrap his head around that. He was caught between excitement and the urge to bolt, but he wouldn’t run away. He was not a coward. He was going to face this head on and step into the new future he had carved for himself with his own two hands.
So he was repeating the same words over and over again in an attempt to still his beating heart.
There was a brief knock at the door, and then it swung open. He tensed up, annoyed that someone would intrude in his space without waiting for his permission. But when he turned to face his intruder, his whole body relaxed automatically.
Standing there was John Laurens. Laurens, his best friend, his best man. The only person that Alexander would want to see no matter the circumstances, come hell or highwater. In a way, John’s presence brought him some peace, but it also made his heart beat faster for a completely different reason.
John gave him a wide grin, the kind that made his freckles pop and his face look brighter. “How’s our groom doing?”
Alexander snapped his face back to the mirror. “Fine. I’m doing fine.”
He was concentrating so hard on his reflection, it surprised him when John’s reflection appeared behind him in the mirror.
“Who are you and what have you done with Alexander Hamilton?” John joked. “Who is this quiet guy? Where’s the little lion who won’t shut up even if you beg him to?”
Alexander rolled his eyes. “John…”
John put his hands on Alexander’s shoulders and looked at him through the mirror. “Don’t be nervous, Alexander. This is your moment. You’re gonna do great, I know it.”
Alexander leaned into his touch. Hearing the words from John’s mouth had a calming effect that was quicker and better than the words he had said to himself.
He nodded furiously. “You’re right, John. I’m okay. I can do this.”
He was right to make John his best man. Alexander didn’t know how, but John must’ve known that he needed support and came to offer it. Alexander’s heart had cried for help and John had appeared to answer the call. After all, was there anyone who knew how to soothe his nerves better than him?
The expression on John’s face had dimmed to a small, private smile, just for him. “Good. I’m glad I could help.”
Silence fell between them, but John did not move away like Alexander expected. He kept his hands on Alexander’s shoulder, his grip tightening ever so slightly. Suddenly, Alexander took notice of the hard line of John’s body against his back. He was warm and smelled sweet, and they were so close that his breath tickled Alexander’s ears.
Alexander whipped around, praying that the blush on his cheeks wouldn’t give him away. “It’ll be time soon. You should probably find your seat before it’s too late.”
He was the last person to ever want to hasten John’s leave of him, but something within himself told him this was the best decision. Somehow, his heightened nerves were leading to a dangerous loss of control.
The look on John’s face was odd, Alexander couldn’t place it. He gave a short nod and said, “You’re right. I’ll be taking my leave of you, then.”
John walked away and Alexander’s gaze followed him the whole way, as if it were being pulled by string. So he saw exactly the moment when John froze in front of the door, his hand poised over the doorknob but not turning, not yet.
“Alexander, one more thing.”
Every atom in his body was focused at the spot where John stood. “Yes, anything.”
“Don’t get married.”
The words blew through Alexander like a bullet. “What?”
He couldn’t see John’s expression, just him shaking his head. “Please, don’t get married.”
He staggered backwards as if he’d been struck. He couldn’t fathom why Laurens, his Laurens would say something like that. What was the meaning of those words?
“Why would you say something like that?” The words flew out of him before he could stop himself.
John finally turned around to face him, and his face was open and vulnerable like Alexander hadn’t seen in a long time. He realized two fundamental truths at the exact same time: one, at some point John had stopped showing him his true face and put on a mask. He had been hiding himself from Alexander, who was supposed to be his closest companion, and Alexander hadn’t noticed until now. And two, John was about to say something their friendship couldn’t come back from.
“Because I—” John’s voice faltered, then rose up again. “Alexander, I—”
This time Alexander was the one to turn away. “Oh, I see now. You’re drunk. You’re drunk and saying things you won’t remember again.”
“Again?” John said, and the word hung in the air between them.
The heat of John’s eyes on his face, the softness of John’s lips, the memories came back to Alex unbidden as they had every night. And like he did every night, he shoved them back down.
“I should’ve known you and Lafayette would have a little party by yourself before the actual ceremony.” Alexander continued as if John hadn’t spoken. “Find some water before you go to your seat. I’ll be embarrassed if you slur your words during your toast.”
“I’m as sober as a judge.” John said crisply. “And you know that.”
He still wouldn’t turn to look at him. “No, I don’t know that. Because I can’t come up with any other explanation for why you’re doing this. Why are you saying this now? Why are you doing this? Why—”
He didn’t realize John was moving towards him until he was right there, pulling Alexander into him and then they were kissing, full-stop. John’s hands were on his face, cupping his cheeks and brushing the nape of his neck. He was kissing Alexander slowly, like he was something precious and Alexander felt like he was being undone from the inside out.
He put his hands on John’s wrists to stop him, pull away, do something, but he lost his will almost immediately. Alexander had kissed and been kissed many times over, but kissing John was a revelation. It was so good that his knees buckled from the pleasure, that in his spiraling mind he almost believed that John was his first kiss. How could anything he’d done before compare to this?
John pulled away slightly, still inches away from his face. “I love you. And you love me.”
Alexander shook his head, eyes still closed. “No.”
“ Yes, Alexander.” John kissed him again, more insistent this time.
He was never good at lying to John, even when it was in their best interests that he lie. It took everything in him to say no the first time, he didn’t have the strength to say it again. Not when he wanted this so badly that he ached at the thought of never kissing him again, of doing anything that wasn’t kissing John. He clutched John’s back, opened his mouth and let him take.
“I long for you.” John said the next time they pulled away, both of them breathing heavily. The words seemed to be spilling out of him. “Every day. I thought it was enough just to stay by your side but I…I can’t. I can’t watch you marry her. My love is more selfish than I thought.”
“I’m yours, John.” he whispered. Their foreheads rested against each other. “Getting married won’t change the fact that I am yours forever.”
John shook his head. “It’s not enough. Look, I’m going to South Carolina to lead my own battalion and recruit slaves to join the war effort. Come with me.”
“John—”
“Before you say no, just listen to me. We can continue working on our essays on abolition. We can fight alongside each other, protect each other.” He stroked Alexander’s lips with his thumb. “And when the war is won, America will be a whole new world and ours for the making. Maybe we could create a world where we could be happy together.”
Alexander closed his eyes. A bastard, immigrant orphan didn’t get very far in life by giving into delusions or flights of fancy. Alexander especially had learned to confront the truth from the beginning and push forward regardless, instead of closing his eyes to what was in front of him and crossing his fingers in hope of a better tomorrow. And the truth was that it was a crime for them to be what they are to each other right now, and there was very little chance of that changing, independence or not.
“Don’t say no,” John pleaded.
He had to say no. He had to, he knew he had to, but he didn’t know how. So he grabbed John by the lapels of his jacket and kissed him once more. There was nothing soft or precious about this kiss. It was fierce and intense and their hands roved up and down each other’s bodies. The sensation of John’s tongue plunging into his mouth made Alexander feel so feverish, he thought he might faint. When John bit his bottom lip, he moaned. If this was going to be the last time, he would be unashamed and take his fill of John.
They stumbled backwards into the vanity. John hiked him up onto the desk and pressed him against the mirror. Alexander let the memories he’d been repressing for so long rise to the surface: the longing gazes they’d share across the table when they went drinking with their friends, the constant casual physical contact as they always made sure to stand near each other, ready to put an arm around the shoulders or lean against each other in a way that could be seen as a joke, but was anything but to him. Or that one night, where John had too much to drink and Alexander was left with the task of seeing him home. He remembered the heat in John’s eyes as he dragged Alexander into bed with him, the out of control feeling that drove his pulse up as he knew with complete certainty that John was going to kiss him and he was helpless to stop him. And John, cruel as he was, forgot it all when he woke up the next morning but Alexander never did. He carried the memory with him every day, scarcely even daring to imagine that they might do it again.
Yet here they were, rocking together in the dressing room of the church where he was going to be married. John kissed all over his face—his cheeks, his nose, his forehead, even his ears. Alexander went straight for the hollow of his neck, kissing it softly at first then carefully nipping at the skin at different spots.
“I love you, Alexander,” John groaned. “I love you, I love you…”
John repeated the words again and again, washing Alexander over with euphoria and despair in waves. It was time to wake up from this beautiful dream.
He pulled John away from him so he could look at him head on. He was going to give him the blunt, honest truth like he deserved. “I can’t come with you, John. We can’t do this.”
John’s brow crinkled and the heartbreak in his eyes broke Alexander’s heart in turn. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that this…this can’t happen. The future you describe is a dream, a beautiful dream, but it’s not real. You know as well as I that if we were discovered all our allies would flee from us, we would be shunned and outcast from society. It wouldn’t matter what we did in the war, this would be a stain that would darken our images forever.”
The look in John’s eyes hardened. “That’s all I am to you? A stain?”
“No!” Alexander cupped John’s face in his palms, trying to return the warmth back to his expression. “You are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. You always have been. But do not punish me for refusing to live in a fantasy world. We would never be seen as anything more than criminals if we were discovered—”
“Alexander—”
“—and everything we’ve been working so hard for would go down the drain. Do you think anyone would listen to a single word about abolition from a sodomite? Do you think they would allow us any part in building this great new nation, any chance to make a name for ourselves if they knew? I have fought and killed and sacrificed just for the chance to build to something that might outlive me. And I am too close to give it up now—no, I won’t give it up now. I am not throwing my shot, John. Not even for you.”
The silence was deafening.
Alexander didn’t realize he was crying until John reached up to wipe the tears from his eyes. Once he started crying, the tears began to flow from his eyes in earnest.
“Don’t cry.” John said, touching their foreheads together.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Alexander babbled. He wanted to say that hurting John was like taking a knife out and cutting his own heart out, but he couldn’t string the words together.
“You don’t need to apologize to me.” John said gently. “One of my favorite parts about you is once you make a decision, you follow through. Even if it’s hard, you don’t hesitate.”
There was a knock at the door. “Mr. Hamilton, it’s time!”
Alexander cleared his throat, trying to sound less like he’d been crying. “Just a minute.”
“But, sir—”
“I said a minute!” he snapped. He heard the sound of retreating footsteps.
John handed him a handkerchief. “Wipe your face. Aren’t you supposed to look the prettiest on your wedding day?”
Alexander let out a weak laugh. “Thank you.”
“I should go. I need to go find where they’re keeping all the alcohol.” John grinned even though it didn’t reach his eyes. “I plan on getting spectacularly drunk.”
He stroked Alexander’s cheek one last time. “You’re a great man, Alexander. Soon, the world is going to realize that too. Just you wait.” And then he walked away.
Right before John walked through the doorway, Alexander couldn’t help himself. He said, “I love you, John Laurens.”
He didn’t turn around. “I know.”
And then he disappeared out of sight.
+++
“Alright, alright! That’s what I’m talking about!” John slurred, swaying on his feet with two glasses of champagne in his hands. “Give it up for the maid of honor, Angelica Schuyler!”
“Slow down on the drinks, mon ami!” Lafayette called out, which made everyone laugh.
“I thought Laurens was supposed to be good at holding his liquor.” Eliza whispered between giggles.
Alexander, stone faced, didn’t reply.
Eliza shook him a little. “Hey, what are you thinking about?”
He was thinking about how different he and John were, despite everything they had in common. When John drank, he drank to forget. Everything plaguing him just slipped away and he could be loose and carefree, even if it was just for a moment. But when Alexander drank, he remembered everything. He lost control, and everything he was suppressing deep within himself would bubble back up without his consent. That was why he knew he wouldn’t have a drop tonight, because now the dressing room was another memory he would spend his whole life trying to forget.
“Nothing, really.” he replied. He raised his glass, and Angelica said, “May you always be satisfied!”