Chapter Text
"Jen, wake up! Are you okay?!?!"
Jen can hear Judy's voice through the ringing in her ears, the pain in her head.
"What happened?"
"We got hit."
"Oh, shit. Of fucking course we did." She opens her eyes, sees Judy's terrified brown ones staring back at her. "I'm okay. Are you?"
"Oh thank God. Yeah, I think so."
They're okay. Jen tells herself to focus on the relief, not the anger.
*
After the accident, Jen knows she's been given yet another chance. She has a mild concussion, she and Judy both have some bumps and bruises, but it could have been so much worse.
She goes back to the grief group a couple of times, but realizes that setting isn't what she really needs at this point. She asks Pastor Wayne if he has any recommendations for therapists, and he seems elated she asked for his help. "Not one of Jesus' buddies, but you know, real licensed head doctors," she laughs, "No offense," when the smile falls off his face.
He gives her a list of a few therapists, and she looks them up online. "Are there Yelp reviews for therapists?" She mumbles to herself. She actually is able to find reviews, with pictures, even. A couple of men she doesn't really get a good vibe (yeah, she's thinking about people's vibes) from, and then she looks up a Dr. Evans. She's probably in her mid-sixties, kind brown eyes that remind her of Judy's. Jen calls her office to set up an appointment.
She immediately feels at ease with Dr. Evans, and really commits to therapy. One thing she realizes is she has to let go of things she can't control. Specifically, the car wreck. She hopes the police find who hit them, but she can't control it. What she can control is how she reacts. So to this particular hit and run, her reaction isn't to badger the police, smash up random cars, and release her unrelenting fury on every innocent person who dares to interact with her. Her reaction is to look at the positives in her life, especially Judy, Charlie, and Henry, and focus on being the best version of herself she can be for them. (Granted, things would have been very different if Judy had been seriously hurt. The thought makes her sick to her stomach.)
Dr. Evans helps her with beginning to process her years of grief, guilt and all their friends. It's slow, but she's trying. She's beginning to forgive herself. She's beginning to believe she deserves happiness. (Her mom would have wanted her to be happy.) It's always been easier for her to feel and show her negative emotions because it's what she thought she deserved. She never let herself enjoy happiness, even when it was there. She's taken for granted every good thing in her life, and that's starting to change. Judy is an angel, had forgiven her, thought she was someone worth loving, still, and that was enough for Jen to start to believe it. Something had changed in Judy after the night in the garage, after Jen's attempt at turning herself in. She stood a little taller, stopped acquiescing to everyone else all the time (most of the time, though, still, because she really was that selfless), making sure she took care of herself, too. Jen likes to think part of it is her influence, and it makes her proud. Of herself and of Judy.
Michelle sees them at the hospital after the wreck, is worried, obviously cares about their well-being, and Judy begins dating her again. "I'm taking it slower this time, trying not to fall fast like I always do," she tells Jen. "But I really like her." She smiles, so Jen smiles, too, wanting nothing but happiness for her best friend. Her own smile feels fake, she has to force it, although she can't quite figure out why.
"That's great, Jude. Just make sure she knows if she hurts you, I'll break her face." (She's working on her anger issues, but Dr. Evans isn't a magician.)
"Oh, yeah? That a strategy you learned in therapy?" Judy smiles at her, eyes twinkling.
"Shut it."
*
While they are in the hospital, Steve's body is found. Jen holds her breath for days after they get home, but no one comes knocking on her door. The news is satisfied in reporting he was murdered as a result of a conspiracy with the police department and the Greek mafia.
There's a funeral, and of course Judy wants to go, feels like she needs to, to finally say her last good-bye.
"Are you sure you don't need me to go with you?" Jen asks, sincerely, even though it's the last thing she wants to do.
"No. It's okay. You don't need to put yourself through that. Michelle said she'd come with me."
Jen feels a pang of guilt, acknowledges it and moves on, but there's another feeling there, too. It really is for the best that she doesn't go, but she wants to be the one who supports Judy. "You're sure? It's okay?"
They'd promised to always be honest with each other, now, so when Judy grabs her hand, squeezes, replies, "Yes, I'm sure," Jen believes her.
Ben stops by before he leaves town, thanks her for everything. She hugs him and wishes him the best.
It feels like closure.
*
Turns out the door is still cracked slightly open.
About a week after the accident, Jen is in the kitchen, working on her laptop after a showing. Judy has taken Henry to the zoo, because he has a newfound obsession with koala bears, and of course Judy loves them, too. Charlie comes down the stairs, determined look on his face. "Hey, Mom," he says, sitting next to her. He holds up a piece of paper, at first she can't see what it is. Then she sees her own handwriting, can make out the "J"... oh. Shit. Her stomach drops. "Want to tell me what the fuck this is?" He sounds surprisingly calm, anger simmering, but calm.
Jen closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and resists the urge to give into her first instinct, which would be to yell and rage and ask Charlie how he got that letter.
"What did you need to forgive Judy for sooner about dad? And what did you need to confess about? What HAPPENED?" Now he's almost near tears.
She snaps her eyes open, grabs his hand. Her beautiful boy, who has grown up so much in the past few months. He deserves the truth. Well, close to it anyway.
"It's okay. It's going to be okay. I love you, and I'm sorry you had to find out this way," Jen has to pause, fight back tears, push away the guilt rearing its head. "Steve and Judy were in the car that hit your dad. Steve wouldn't go back. He was very abusive to Judy, and she couldn't stand up to him." Charlie's shaking, but hasn't let go of her hand. "Steve was... dangerous. Very dangerous. He came here one night, threatening Judy, threatening me, threatening our family. I believe he would have killed her, at least, and who knows who else. I... I did what I had to do. And he's connected with some very bad men, and the police, I couldn't go to them."
"You... killed him?" Charlie chokes out. "He killed dad? Judy knew?" God, this is a shitload for him to process.
"Yes. I'm so sorry. I regret how I handled it, and I would change it all if I could, but all I can do now is try to make it right. I tried to turn myself into the police, but they're convinced the Greek mafia he was involved with did it."
A look of realization comes over Charlie. "That's what was on the thumb drive I gave Judy..."
"Yes."
Charlie looks shocked, but, surprisingly, okay. "So... you're safe? We're safe?"
"I think so. I hope so. As long as NO ONE else ever knows about ANY of it."
"Okay. Good. I understand." He hugs her tightly. Jen is so shocked she can barely speak.
She pulls away to look at him. "Are you okay? Is there anything else you want to ask me?"
"I'm okay. I'm glad Steve is dead. I just... how could you forgive Judy? And you made her our legal guardian?"
Jen grimaces. It was hard to explain this one. "She made a huge mistake. She never would have done it if not for Steve. She'd never hurt anyone. You know her, she's a wonderful person. And she loves us. Is there anyone else you'd rather be your guardian if I'm not around?"
Charlie nods, "Yeah, I mean I guess I'd rather have her crystals everywhere than Grandma's pills. Although at least I could make some profit off those... kidding!" He pulls away as Jen tries to grab his head and ruffle his hair. He pauses, clearly mulling something over, then, matter-of-factly, "Are you in love with her?"
This conversation as a whole has shocked her to her very core, but that takes it to a whole different level. She picks her jaw up off the floor to respond, "What?!? Baby, you know I'm not gay."
"I mean, whatever, I don't care. I've just never seen anyone have the kind of positive impact on you like Judy does. Not even dad. So, I'm cool with her. I forgive her, too. I love you, mom. From now on if you could just treat me like a fucking adult and tell me shit."
Jen nods, still dumbfounded. "Language. But, yes, I will. I love you so much." He turns to walk away. "Oh, and Charlie?" she holds out her hand. "Don't take shit that isn't yours."
He nods sheepishly, hands over the letter. "Yes, ma'am."
It's the first time she feels like maybe she has figured this parenting thing out.
Jen debates telling Judy about Charlie finding the letter, but it feels like she'd be lying by omission if she didn't. They don't lie to each other any more. Later that evening, after Judy and Henry are back from the zoo, Jen goes to the guest house to find her. She can see that Judy is painting.
"Knock knock," she says, opening the door, not actually bothering to knock.
"Hi!" Judy turns around from her painting, smiles at Jen like she always does, like she's truly happy to see her, even though they see each other every day, had seen each other that morning. She's dressed in paint-spattered overalls, thin tank top underneath, hair up in a messy ponytail.
'She's so damn cute,' Jen thinks, then 'where the fuck did THAT come from?!' Snaps herself out of it when she realizes she'd been staring. "Whatcha painting?" She cranes her neck around Judy to see.
"Oh," Judy says sheepishly, "it's a koala. I've been wanting to try something different, and Henry just loves them so much, I thought I'd paint him a gift." She sets down her paintbrush, wipes her hands off on her overalls.
"That's so sweet," Jen says, meaning it. She absolutely adores Judy and Henry's relationship. "Um, I have something of yours I need to give back." She holds out the letter.
Judy takes it from her, confused look on her face. "Oh. How did...?"
"Charlie found it."
Judy's face goes white. "Oh my God, Jen, what?! He read it? He knows? I'm so sorry! What did he say? He hates me, doesn't he? Oh shit..." she closes her eyes and clenches her fists down by her sides; Jen can see her trying so hard not to spiral into self-hatred like she always has before.
"No, hey," Jen steps closer to her, one hand grabbing Judy's, the other gently touching her chin so she'd meet her eyes, and Judy looks at her. "It's okay. I promise. We talked, I explained everything, mostly. He handled it better than I could have imagined, really. And I'm glad he knows. I'm so sick of carrying around lies."
Judy still looks shaken, doubtful. "How is that possible?"
Jen shakes her head. "I really don't know, but it's true. I don't know where the sullen ass-hole teenager he used to be went, but it was like talking to a reasonable grown-up. I'm still working on becoming one of those myself," Judy lets out a half-hearted laugh at that, and Jen squeezes her hand. "He said he forgives you." Judy's eyes widen, and the look of utter relief and happiness on her face makes Jen's heart flutter. She smiles. "Now, where did you have that hidden? Might want to find a better hiding spot."
Judy quickly bends down, shuffles under the bed, stands back up with a wooden box. "Yeah, I guess I could put a lock on this. Hey, there's a joint missing, too!" she laughs.
"Fucking Charlie!"
*
After their car insurance company finally comes to some resolution about the wreck (what a giant headache that was), and sends them a check, Jen and Judy go and pick out another car for Charlie. This time, a gently used Jeep Cherokee.
They bring the boys outside to check it out when they get home, and Charlie actually drops his cool guy act to show some excitement. "Seriously?!"
"Nah," Jen says. "It's an elaborate joke. We're about to take it back. Funny, right?"
"Oh shut up. I mean... I didn't really think we could afford a car in the first place, and then after the wreck just didn't think it was possible."
"Well, Judy very generously helped make this happen," Jen steals a glance at Judy, knows she won't tell Charlie that herself.
"Really?" Charlie looks at Judy. "Did the old people give you a raise?"
"That's actually not how it works, they don't pay me directly-" Jen shoots her a look. "...I sold some of my paintings."
"No offense, but is there really a big market for weird heartless kid paintings?"
"Charlie!" Jen admonishes him.
"I like your paintings! I'd buy them if I had enough money in my piggy bank," Henry says, ever the sweetheart.
"I said no offense!" Charlie says, defensive. "You are talented. The paintings are just kinda creepy."
Judy is laughing at the whole exchange, clearly not offended. "Yeah actually, all I had to do was infiltrate some Creepers Anonymous meetings. Really got them to trust me, showed them my paintings. Then they just threw money at me."
Charlie actually laughs out loud at that. He steps forward, gives Judy a hug. "Thank you, Judy."
Jen feels herself becoming emotional, can tell Judy is, too.
"Of course, Charlie. I love you."
"Love you, too," he mumbles, before pulling away, now turning to Jen to give her a hug. "Thank you, Mom. I love you."
Jen can't speak, just nods. Charlie has never hugged Judy or told her he loves her before, and it feels monumental for some reason.
"Can I take Henry for a spin around the block?" Charlie asks.
"Yeah, Mom, can we?! Please?!?" Henry is already excitedly running around to the passenger side.
"Okay, sure. A quick, safe, spin!" She drops the keys in Charlie's outstretched hand.
Jen and Judy turn to watch them as they back out of the driveway. "SEATBELTS!!!!" Jen screams as they are already halfway down the block. She takes a breath, sighs, lets the feelings of happiness wash over her.
Judy side-steps closer to Jen, slides her left arm around her waist, squeezes. Jen wraps her right arm around Judy's shoulder, squeezes back, as they continue looking down the street. "Thank you, Jen."
"For what?"
Judy pulls away a bit to look at her. "For letting me into your home. Your family."
Jen looks at Judy, sees her own happiness mirrored there, wants to express how she's feeling, if she can put it into words. "Judy, for a long time, this was just a big house with people who were related living in it. You've made it feel like a home, helped me become a better mother, made us a happy family. It's just as much yours as mine. Thank YOU." Judy is smiling one of her patented watery mega-watt smiles, and Jen feels herself get a little uncomfortable with the emotion, still not used to it, mutters, "God, I'm so cheesy."
"What kind?" Judy says, mock serious expression quickly taking over her face.
"Huh?" Jen is confused.
"What kind of cheese are you?"
Jen huffs out a laugh, rolls her eyes. "You are such a dork," she says, but really, she is so thankful for Judy in that moment. Judy knows how hard she's working at expressing her feelings, that it's still difficult, and knows exactly when she needs the mood lightened.
"I'm thinking brie. You've gotten so damn soft!" Judy grins.
Now Jen lets out a full-fledged laugh. "Pssshhhh. No, I'm cheddar. Sharp cheddar. Extra fucking sharp."
"Uh huh. Sure. Keep telling yourself that."
*
What's the saying? "From the mouths of babes"? It's fitting that Henry is the person who truly makes her confront her feelings, after Charlie had been the one to plant the seed.
She's pouring him cereal one morning, standing behind the island while he sits, waiting for his breakfast. Judy stayed with Michelle the night before, and Charlie is in the wonderful sleep until noon teenager phase, so it's just the two of them.
"Hey, Mommy?"
"Yeah, boop?"
"Could you ask Judy to teach you to make pancakes? So you can make them for me when she moves out?"
Jen feels the breath leave her lungs, gasps as if her heart has been ripped from her chest. She actually has to double over in pain. How has she never thought of Judy moving out before? Probably because she doesn't want to even put that thought into the universe. (Oh, God, she's even thinking like Judy now.)
"Mommy, are you okay?!?" Henry is immediately alarmed, stands up from his seat.
Jen feels words sputtering upward, has to come up with something- "Cramps! Cramping. Time of the month. You know, my period. Women things. Woman pain." 'Real smooth.'
She takes a breath, stands up, pulls it together.
"Why would you think she's moving out, baby?"
"Well, her and Michelle love each other right? Won't they want to live together?"
Jen nods, slowly. "Yeah, I guess so." She stares into space, lost in thought.
"I know we'll still see Judy because she loves us, but she won't be here in the morning. So... will you be able to make me pancakes?"
"I... I don't... they make frozen pancakes, don't they?"
Henry looks at her like she has three heads, blinks slowly. "Um... maybe Michelle could just move in with us? I don't want Judy to leave."
Jen has to swallow down her emotion before choking out, "Neither do I, boop."
She rushes to her bedroom to bury her sobs in a pillow. It's the first time she's done that since soon after Ted died.
Later, when she's calmed down, she tries to process her feelings. (Such a new concept for her, but she is truly trying to buy into this therapy and self-help thing. Gross.) Last year, when she told Judy she couldn't see Michelle, she had a valid reason. Their cover-up was the only thing that mattered then, and Judy couldn't be fucking Perez's ex-girlfriend on the other side of her house (she stood corrected on the layout). But now, with that problem resolved, she can see that wasn't the only reason the thought of Judy with Michelle made her skin crawl. It's the thought of Judy with anyone else, the thought of Judy not with her, with their family. Even when she'd told Judy she needed space, back when they were in the thick of all the shit, that wasn't about Judy. That was about Jen still not knowing how to truly open herself up to another person. And now that she's doing the work to allow that, she realizes how much she wants it- with Judy.
The thought shocks her, though maybe it shouldn't have. She's never been with a woman romantically before, but realizes that her sexuality was never something she'd given much thought to. She'd always known she would marry a man and have kids, always had boyfriends, was attracted enough to all of them, always had a decent sex life, up until her and Ted's misery. But she has never let herself fully connect with another person, not since her mom died. Not a man, or a woman, and she doesn't really know where sex fits into that. She knows she loves Judy, wants to share her life with her, more than she ever has another person. Could she be sexually attracted to her, too?
She discusses all this in therapy, Dr. Evans helping her realize and work through all of these things, but she can't really give her an answer on her sexuality.
"Sexuality isn't black and white," she says. "You can love who you love without having to label yourself."
It has been so long since she'd had true sexual desire for anyone, anyway- hot guy at the grief retreat, while obviously hot, was just her trying to prove a point to herself, and she'd never really had any sexual attraction to Ben. That experience was borne of guilt (shocker!) and someone actually wanting her, for once.
If she wants Judy in that way, she'll have to figure it out herself.
A couple of nights later, after the four of them eat dinner (of course some vegetarian pasta that Judy had made, filling them all with delicious food and love) and the boys are in their rooms, Judy gets ready to go meet Michelle for drinks after her late shift at the restaurant. She comes outside to the couch where Jen is watching TV to say goodbye.
"Say goodnight to Blair and Jo for me, ok? I'm heading out."
Jen looks up, and her breath catches at the sight of Judy. She's changed into a simple sleeveless dress that falls to just above her knees, cinched at the waist, dark purple. Her hair is up in a bun (Jen loves when her hair is up, because she can really see her absolutely perfect jawline- 'oh my God I'm thinking about her JAWLINE'), bangs falling across her forehead, silver hoop earrings. Jen thinks she has never seen someone so beautiful, and the feeling in her stomach can only be love, and absolute, crushing jealousy (sitting right alongside the guilt at being jealous when Judy deserves nothing but happiness).
She takes a breath and forces a smile. "Have fun, Jude. Tell Michelle hi. See you tomorrow?"
"Wild horses couldn't keep me away." She winks, and Jen feels a clench in her chest, and between her thighs. She knows , then, really.
When she goes to bed that night, she thinks of Judy. How she looked before her date, and also how she looked earlier, before she was all dolled up, just chatting with the boys in the kitchen, like she belonged there (because she does). Pictures her eyes, her smile, starts to imagine what she might look like under her dresses, all that creamy soft skin, and suddenly she feels a wave of heat like she hasn't experienced in years. When she lets her hand wander into her pyjama pants, her underwear (something she never does; Ted, and all the other shit she has constantly been living with has really done a number on her sex drive), she gasps at how wet she is.
She comes that night for the first time in... well, honestly, she couldn't tell you. When it happens, she whispers Judy's name, and it feels like some kind of religious experience.
Well, THAT is going to be impossible to come back from. She can't deny it. She is in love with Judy. Wants her, all of her, desperately.
Jen lay there, staring at the ceiling, catching her breath.
"Holy. Fucking. Shit."