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The first time it happens, Michelle is only 13.
The whole gang had gone camping, which meant they gathered in Erin's backyard with more sweets and chips that they could physically eat. Michelle stole a bag of chips from Ola's grasp, earning an "Aye!" from the other girl, an annoyance that lasted a couple of seconds since Orla's interest shifted to something else. Michelle was accustomed to her friend's unusual personality and at this point, and she couldn't bother minding it anymore.
"Are you sure it's okay that we're doing this?" Clare asked, big blue eyes staring into her. Michelle shrugged while she sipped her soda.
Before she could say something else, Erin came into view, sitting cross-legged across the petit blonde.
"I heard Daisy and Ronan will go on a date this fine day," She said, looking up to the sky with a mournful expression.
"Didn't know you fancy him," Michelle replied in a dull voice, Erin's boy problems weren't particularly surprising to any of them, the girl had crushes on a new boy every week. In all honesty, Michelle didn't understand the urgency of the matter, but Erin was her friend, so she listened and helped her out when she could.
"I do not fancy him, he's horrible."
Clare stared at her with a puzzling look on her face. "Then why do you..."
"Because she's the first in our class going on an official date!" Erin blurted as if she had been waiting to let it out.
"Right..." Michelle thought for a few seconds, "Still don't get what the problem is."
"The problem..." Erin began, exasperated at her friend's calmness "Is that Daisy is not even a pretty girl."
"She has some neat socks," Orla said matter-of-factly.
Erin rolled her eyes "Get a grip Orla, you know what I mean" She stated. "Clare, do you think she's prettier than me?"
Michelle turned to her friend, curiosity washing over her. It was true that Daisy wasn't the prettiest in Derry, nor their school year. But she couldn't understand what was so desirable of having a stupid boy all over you non-stop. If anything, Michelle felt relieved she didn't have to deal with that kind of stuff yet. She shivered, knowing sooner or later she would have to face the music. But of course, she'd rather doing it much, much later.
"I..." Clare said unsure, Michelle narrowed her eyes noticing her tiny friend's face crimsoning. "Of course you're prettier, Erin," she spoke in a timid voice, darting her eyes to the ground.
Michelle noticed Clare's shift of behavior, and after that she couldn't stop noticing how she blushed profusely every time Daisy was brought to the conversation, or when the girl walked past them offering a shy hello in the hallway, earning a roll of eyes from Erin. She felt a pang in the chest every time her favorite big, blue eyes wandered across the room to see if Daisy was around. Next time Erin complained about Daisy, she found herself agreeing with her.
She wasn't even that pretty.
-
The second time it happens, they're 15 and Daisy Horner is long gone to England, no less.
Michelle found a boyfriend she didn't find completely repulsive, so she let him kiss her and hold her hand. She didn't love him though, and she still couldn't comprehend why is it a big deal for girls her age. But it made her feel normal, it kept her involved in school gossip, and more importantly, the more she focused on making out with her new boyfriend, she found herself thinking of Clare less and less.
It also helped that was the first one out of the gang to be in a relationship, so of course it made Erin crazy jealous. Orla is still her perky self with no interest in dating, or at least, none that she's aware of.
As for Clare, Michelle wasn't sure where Clare stood.
Clare liked sunny days and ice cream, she had a fantastic relationship with her mother that made Michelle feel a bit jealous. She had grown closer to Erin, and when they went to church on Sunday she made sure to sit next to their loud friend. She was also the only one who completely nailed their exams at school, partly because she was the only one lame enough to care about it altogether, but still significant.
She could use a billion words to describe Clare, for she used a fair amount of time studying her small friend. But she couldn't use one word, to explain how Clare felt about boys.
It changed one day when they're both walking back from Erin's home at night time, as they established a small conversation just to keep themselves awake. "What do you think about Gerald?" Clare asked at some point.
Michelle scoffed. "I don't at all," the petite blonde hummed in agreement.
"I just don’t quite get it, he's not handsome, and he's kind of dumb."
"Yeah, he's such an ass," Michelle agreed. "But it was a matter of time, Erin's been desperately looking for a guy to snag."
Clare crunched her face, disgusted at the idea. She didn't answer, so they kept walking in comfortable silence for a few blocks until she spoke again. "I don't care about any of the dating things," She said in a soft voice, nervously looking at her feet while she fixed her headband. "Do you think there's something wrong with me?"
Michelle felt a bit nervous, darting her eyes to anywhere but her friend. On one side, she felt relieved Clare didn't have any interest in some hideous boy who would only want to stick her tongue on her mouth or grab her boobs. Clare deserved better. To be true, Michelle thought Clare deserved everything. All the wooing and the dates, and a first kiss upon the shining stars. She had decided that no one, and especially not some random boy, deserved Clare's heart of gold.
On the other side, it put up a massive red flag on Michelle's end. She thought about telling her she wasn't as interested either, that she was with Otis just for the sake of it, that she was normal. They were normal.
"Michelle?" Clare pulled her out of her thoughts, shaking her back into reality.
Because at the end of the day, this was Derry. Their home, their reality. And they both knew better than to fool themselves.
So she smiled tight at Clare, hoping she would take it as a sing of reassurance, and she shrugged it off as best as she could. "Oh c'mon, you just haven't found the right fella."
Her own words echoed in her head. It was a low blow, and probably the worst thing she could've said to her given the circumstances. But she knew why Clare was telling her that. Deep down she recognized why like herself, Clare wasn't interested in boys. She was aware there was something more than friendly about how her heart skipped a beat every single time Clare flashed that goofy smile at her. So she understood. But it wasn't enough.
Michelle saw her friend's face drop, and for a couple of seconds, she was tempted to take it all back. But as soon as the impulse came it was gone, and Clare's face looked at her with a peculiar expression of hers, "you're probably right."
Later when she came home to her Ma making dinner, she pretended not to be hungry and marched straight to her bedroom. She dumped her things and gazed at the roof for a while. She attempted to close her eyes, but all she could picture was Clare's defeated features staring back at her. She could almost feel her disappointment, and it was a bit too much for Michelle to handle. She knew she'd rather cut her left boob, than hurt Clare, she had no interest in harming her small friend. She wanted to hug her, comfort her, and…
Fuck.
Michelle was doomed.
-
The third time it happens, Michelle was dreaming. She must have been because Clare Devlin is kissing the hell out of her.
She remembered falling asleep on her bed, and the next thing she knows is that they're making out so she couldn't take any context from it. She wasn't aware of how or why Clare's lips were attached to hers. But in all honesty? With her soft lips wandering around her mouth with that kind of enthusiasm, she wasn't one to complain.
"Wait, Clare…" Michelle said with the little confidence she could muster, "I'm dreaming, right?"
Clare looked at her and bowed. Michelle took the opportunity to study her friend, seizing how her lips were swollen and her pupils widened, trying to compose herself from their make-out session. It stirred something in Michelle, to know she could make Clare feel like this.
"Are you gonna kiss me or what?" The shorter girl asked desperately.
Michelle swallowed, licking her lips slightly. She saw Clare's blue eyes staring at her lips, and she knew she couldn't stop herself even if she tried. So she jumped on her, hands finding their way to Clare's waistline, pulling her close. She felt the blonde whimper softly against her, nearly driving Michelle insane. She wanted more.
And just like that, she was back in her bedroom. Not only that, but a tall fella was looking down at her in what must've been a male version of her school's uniform. She took a few seconds to swallow the frustration of being out of her little fantasy, and to shake the lust she gathered from her dream.
She cleared her throat. "Are you lost or something?"
"Hello, I'm James." He said sheepishly. Michelle groaned internally, recognizing the strange accent her cousin had. It was too soon for her to guess what the relative who she hadn't seen in years, was doing in Derry. In her room no less, and using a school uniform.
"I figured, could you get outta my room now please."
James left the room in silence, and Michelle did her best to push away the thoughts of her graphic dream as she changed clothes and got ready for school.
Apparently, aunt Kathy was doing strange business again and she needed someone to look after James for a couple of months while she got the divorce from her second husband. Her Ma wasn't pleased about the whole thing, but she took the kid in anyways. It's not like they were a functional family before so really, there's no big deal.
Later, when the whole gang gathered at the bus station, Michelle made sure to avoid Clare's glare at all costs as she introduced her cousin to the group. "Aye this is James, he's my cousin." She says apathetically.
"Hello" James responded, earning a curious look from the three girls in front of them.
Erin was the first to talk. "Why is he making that noise?"
"He's English". All girls hummed in acknowledge, and they moved on to another conversation.
Michelle pretended not to see Clare's cute face when she examined her cousin, and she acted like she didn't slightly blush when she recognized her friend's favorite perfume. She also didn't fantasize about kissing Clare the whole morning.
She didn't .
-
The fourth time it happens, it seems like hell broke loose in Derry because Clare comes out to them. So fuck Michelle, right?
"I'm the wee… Lesbian," Clare said tentatively, not being capable to look at any of them.
Michelle felt her whole body went numb. She zoned out, the only thing she could listen was her pumping blood into her ears. Her mouth felt dry, and her feet didn't obey her.
Realistically she knew it was a matter of time, she had known for a while. But to hear that word falling from Clare's mouth felt like a slap in the face.
Michelle remembered the furtive glances from Clare when Daisy Horner was around and she thought no one was paying attention to her; she retrieved the blush in her friend's face in the girls change room before their PA class, and how she gazed at Michelle's lips a bit too much when she used her preferred lip gloss.
But she was well aware that Clare wasn't the only one who stared and looked for a certain girl in the hallways. She knew her friend wasn't the only one having vivid dreams about kissing girls, about kissing her from all people.
Clare's admission felt more like a bucket of ice falling into her because at that moment she recognised she might have been the wee lesbian everyone was gossiping about, but Michelle was a lesbian too.
Luckily, the discussion went on and she didn't have to do any comment on Clare's statement. On the contrary, she opted to remain quiet for the rest of the day.
James must have noticed her shift of behavior, and later in the week, she confronted her when they were peacefully walking home. "Clare was so brave to come out like that," He said, totally unbiased, "I would have lost it."
Michelle tensed at the topic, rolling her eyes nervously. "Everyone's fine with you being gay, you prick." The boy hummed, not bothering to clarify he wasn't gay. It's not like it was necessary, they both knew James wasn’t the gay one. "I'm sure Clare will do just fine."
James remained silent for a moment before he dropped the bomb. "You would too, you know."
Michelle clutched stronger into her bag's strap, already feeling like she was going to puke. "I'm not gay ."
"Michelle…" He stopped in his tracks, but she kept marching. "Michelle!" he called her out again.
The girl stopped walking, refusing to turn back at her cousin. This was it, the moment she had hold back for years. This was the moment she had to face the music. So she ended her facade in front of her cousin.
"How did you know?" she asked softly, still afraid to watch the boy in the eyes. "I… How?"
James smiled sympathetically at her "You stare a lot." he shrugged. "All that sex fixation, but I noticed you never once said you genuinely liked any of your dates. It was all so physical. At first, I said to myself: "well that must be her personality" , but when I saw you looking at Clare…" The blue-eyed girl froze, making her cousin chuckle good-naturedly. "It was almost painful to see."
"Do you think she knows?" Michelle said looking at him.
James thought about it for a second, before shaking his head no. "But you should let her know before it's too late."
Michelle knew the boy was right, but she didn't know how. How exactly should she tell one of her best friends she was truly, madly, deeply in love with her?
-
The fifth time it happens, it's Michelle's turn to make a statement.
It was a typical Friday night in Derry when Jenny decided it was a great time to throw a party. At first, none of them wanted to actually go, but in the end they had nothing more interesting to do instead, so they went.
The tall brunette noticed Erin and James had been dancing around some weird fling they had so wherever Erin went, the boy followed her like a sick puppy, it was no surprise their outfits kind of matched. Orla was simply Orla, unapologetically wearing weird clothes (and owning it too, but it wasn't like Michelle was going to tell her that).
Clare, on the other hand, looked gorgeous. She was wearing blue shorts, a white blouse and an oversized pink jacket that looked unreasonably cute on her small friend. She felt James' eyes on her when their friend came through the door. "Careful, you're drooling" he made fun of her.
Michelle looked at him. "Like you're the one to talk, go make out with Erin or something."
The party went uneventful until some chick decided to start playing truth or dare. She was a bit dizzy, and she turned to see if her friends were down. All of them gathered around in a circle and the game began. James was asked if he was gay (he clarified he wasn't for the billionth time), Jenny was dared to drink toilet water, which Michelle found personally amusing if she was honest. Then the bottle landed on Clare.
"Truth or dare." Wilson, a boy who lived down Erin's street asked without much interest.
Clare seemed to think for a minute before she decided, "Truth."
"Describe your best kiss," he said in a heartbeat. Michelle rolled her eyes at him, of course he would ask something out of place.
She apprehensively looked at the petite blonde while she waited for her answer. She tried to keep it as casual as she could, but she couldn't stop recalling Clare hadn't mentioned kissing anyone. And surely she would've told them, right? If Clare found someone to make out with, she would be one of the first souls to know. Michelle tasted the cheap beer she was given, courtesy of Orla.
"I haven't," Clare answered nervously. Michelle noticed Wilson snickering behind his cup, with all his friends backing him up, patting her back in approval. Michelle felt suddenly angry.
"Weren't you the one who puked on Ciara while you two were making out last month?" She said boldly, making the whole room laugh.
Wilson reddened in embarrassment and looked pointedly at her. "Michelle, now that you decided to join the party… Truth or dare."
The teenagers went silent, making Michelle feel even more nervous. She had a feeling this wouldn't end well. Still, she had a reputation to maintain. So she picked dare as courageously as she could, raising an eyebrow at the boy who challenged her.
"I dare you to kiss Clare," He said with a wicked smile.
Michelle's heart stopped. The room felt ten times smaller than it originally was, and she froze instantly. James was looking at her, concern written all over his face. In all fairness, she was worried too.
She had two options, she could say yes and kiss Clare, her lesbian friend who she not so casually had a crush on, risking every teenager in the room to find out her dirty little secret in the process. Or she could say no.
"Yeah, that's not happening" She mocked, bitterness leaving her mouth in every word. She regretted it as soon as she let it out because at that moment every pair of eyes darted between the two girls, but Michelle only looked at Clare. She could see the hurt flashing through her friend, realizing how much her words had affected her.
The tall brunette beat herself mentally, watching Clare sprint out of the room. She heard the other girl's shoes walk away, and she looked around. Everyone was keenly looking away from the scene, and James had this look on his face that made her remember what he told her the first time they spoke about her not-so-small crush. "You should probably tell her before it's too late." Michelle's heart beat wildly in her ribcage as she sprinted behind Clare, hoping with every piece of her soul that it wasn't.
"Clare wait," she rushed beside her friend, who was only leaving the house.
"You know, I knew you didn't like me, but I wasn't aware that you found me completely repulsive." The short girl said bitterly.
"It's not that, I…"
"Don't," Clare cut her. "Don't hit me with the I'm not gay narrative, Michelle. Believe me, I'm aware you're not, and even if you were you wouldn't be attracted to me because well, I'm me. But you surely didn't have to humiliate me like that in front of just everyone we know. Haven't you thought it's hard enough for me to be the only freaking lesbian in Derry for you to come and make it even harder." She said as she hurriedly walked away from her.
Michelle's mind was running a thousand miles per hour, thinking about a way to get Clare to understand her.
James' words resonated in her head, tell her before it's too late.
"Clare please, just…" she called her, "Would you stop?" she said more forceful this time, holding her friend's arm to stop her from walking again. Clare said with tears in her eyes. Michelle's heart sank at the view.
"Don't you understand??" Michelle told her urgently, "I can't kiss you because…"
"Because wh-"
"Because that makes it real, for fucks sake!!" The brunette said in a hustle, looking at her friend, "Because if I kiss you, there's no way I could ever pretend to like another boy. Because if I kiss you," Michelle gulped nervously, feeling her eyes watering, "You'll know how in love I am with you, Clare."
She let go of the other girl's arm, quickly turning her attention to the empty street before them before bursting into tears. In a way, it felt much better to let go of the huge secret that had been holding her back since a long time ago. But the feeling of not having control over the other person, the not knowing how would Clare react at her confession drove her mental.
Clare stared at her for a few seconds before adding, "Don't do that, Michelle, I don't need your pity."
The brunette groaned, "Excuse me?"
"You simply didn't want to kiss me, you don't have to make all of this up." The tiny blonde replied straightening herself in an attempt to look composed.
"Clare I'm… I'm not lying." She said, feeling a headache starting to sober her up.
Clare opened her mouth to say something, but at that moment James came running to them, carrying Erin on his shoulder, with Orla following him quickly. "We need to run," James said simply, not waiting for them to reach him. Michelle and Clare looked at each other before following suit.
"What on earth is going on?" Clare asked a few blocks later when all of them stopped to catch their breaths.
Erin straightened her hair as she jumped out of James' embrace, "Wilson started saying dumb shit after you left…" Orla nodded at her cousin.
"... And Erin freaking punched his nose." James chimed in, one hand on his knees and the other one holding his stomach. "It was bleeding nonstop! Then Orla pushed some fancy statue on his foot and it broke so Jenny was fuming. "
There were a few seconds of silence before Michelle started to laugh out of pure relief, and soon all of them were laughing her heads off while the three kids told the whole story. Michelle felt so happy she had such a marvellous group of friends who would have her back no matter what. Soon they resumed their long group walk back to Erin's house, neither of them putting thought into the distance they'd have to cross since none wanted the night to end. Especially not Clare (or Michelle), who hung behind just to grant themselves some room to talk without the fear of being heard.
"I've been thinking about what you said…" Clare finally broke the silence, wrapping her arms around herself, "And I have some questions."
Michelle would've smiled if she wasn't completely shitting her pants right now, because that might be the most Clare thing to say. Instead, she settled for a nod, fully understanding where her friend was coming from.
"Right, so how long have you known?" The petite blonde continued.
Michelle scoffed, "That I'm gay, or into you?" She wasn't sure if Clare's ears reddened from which confession. Still, Michelle figured it didn't matter because both came at the same time for her, "Since I figured you liked Daisy."
Clare was fuming. "I didn't fancy Daisy Horner." she answered in a sharp tone, eyeing the rest of their friends to see if they heard, fortunately for both of them Orla, Erin and James were far ahead, doing some kind of ridiculous dance. Michelle raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms.
"Alright, but we're not telling Erin." the blonde said grudgingly. "Why not tell me then? That you were into me?"
Michelle shrugged, "Would it have made a difference? You didn't even spare me a look."
"Well that's simply not true," Clare said in a rush. "You're pretty attractive, you know."
Michelle smirked at her friend, mischievously dancing in her eyes. "Am I prettier than Daisy Horner?" Clare opened and closed her mouth a few times, and the tall girl could just feel the awkwardness radiating from her. "I'm kidding. I'm not sure, I was afraid of being rejected I guess. I was convinced you wouldn't take me."
"I wouldn't have," Clare said, and Michelle's heart dropped. "Rejected you, I mean. Jeez, why is this so difficult."
Michelle felt lightheaded, did that mean…
"Oy, we'll just go ahead and get in, yes? Erin's Ma made late dinner!" James screamed from Erin's door, giving them thumbs up. That was the first time both girls realized their stroll was over. Michelle smiled tightly at her.
"Well, we should get in…"
"Michelle, wait," Clare said, walking up to her. Michelle stood still as she recognized the puzzled look on her friends face, meaning that she was thinking. "What if I'm the one who kissed you?"
Michelle opened her eyes, surprised that Clare, sweet small Clare proposed such a thing. "I… What?"
"You said you were scared to make a move, right? And that, the reason you didn't woo me was that you thought I would reject you. You don't want to put yourself out there yet but, what if you didn't have to? What if I," Clare invaded her personal spaced cautiously. "Kissed you?"
Michelle inhaled sharply as she shifted her glance between a couple of trees standing behind Clare. She could feel a heat swelling in her stomach, slowly crawling as if waiting to be liberated, making her senses go numb. She wanted to kiss Clare. No, she wanted Clare to kiss her. She took a deep breath while she felt Clare moving closer. She felt a small hand brushing hers slowly, granting her some time in case she wanted to pull back.
"Feel free to stop me, alright?" She saw Clare licking her lips, making Michelle swoon in anticipation. She almost dipped in and kissed Clare, but she knew that would only lead them to a different kind of spiral. And if she was to say the truth, there was something about innocent, sweet Clare being the one who kissed her, that made the tall brunette weak at her knees.
Clare came closer, and closer. It was until she felt her cold nose tipping her own that she closed her eyes, enjoying the warmth the small girl offered. Michelle swallowed before Clare's lip pulled against hers hesitantly.
Kissing Clare more than nice, it was warm and the softest thing she had ever felt. But the thing was, that kissing Clare was everything and nothing she had dreamed of at the same time, and she was on could nine as she could feel the short girl's hands holding onto her. She noticed Clare had to be slightly on her toes to even her out. Michelle found herself smiling at how cute the other girl was. She finally relaxed into her embrace, leaning down a bit so they were more comfortable. Clare moved one hand to her waist out of pure instinct and pulled back like it burnt her hand.
"I'm sorry, is this okay with y…" she heard Clare say, but she cut her off.
The tall brunette drove her hands over Clare's neck as she pulled her back in for more, this time for a more passionate kiss. She wanted Clare to dissipate any doubt that there was in her mind that she, Michelle Mallon, wanted her. She nipped softly on her lower lip earning a soft whimper from the small girl. Michelle felt like she would combust just by how electrifying it felt, and she picked up the pace of their kiss. She could sense Clare kissing her back with the same amount of passion, feeling her small hands going up and onto her sides. Michelle bit back a moan and she thanked the Lord for wearing a tank top tonight. Because it felt so nice, to have other girl touching her like this, to have Clare.
Soon they had to break it up, needing to breathe and all. Michelle caught a glimpse at how blown away Clare looked, with her eyes closed still and her brows slightly up in astonishment. "Do you believe me now?" She said half-joking, dying to know if Clare had liked it as much as she did.
"I think, I think that was neat," Clare stuttered. "A solid seven."
Michelle scoffed. "Seven you say, that was a nine at least." Clare giggled, like actually giggled, making Michelle's heart leap wildly. She couldn't help the smile that came out of her.
They stared at each other in silence, before Clare spoke again. "I like you, Michelle."
She didn't bother to say it back. At this point it was evident, she genuinely wouldn't be surprised if Sister Michael called her out for it. Michelle knew she was in love with Clare and she had known for a while. It didn't matter whether Clare anxiously ranted about some random thing about politicians and justice, or if she held the peaceful expression she saved for when she was praying on Sunday morning when they gathered in the tiny church. Michelle Mallon was in love with Clare Devlin.
Simple as that.