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They’re just barely graduated - living in their first apartment together (and it’s not much different than the dorm, there’s just more space for Carmilla to clutter) when she first brings up kids. They’re entangled in each other, as they usually are. Laura’s head is resting on Carmilla’s chest and Carmilla is stroking her hair. Laura’s half asleep when Carmilla whispers, “When - if, we have kids I want to name them after my family, if that would be okay with you.” Laura’s eyes shoot open and she’s wide awake and alert now because whoa. She looks up at Carmilla, who is looking determinedly at the ceiling, and she says, “Of course that’s okay with me.” She turns her head back down and plants a kiss just above Carmilla’s heart.
It’s the first time she feels like maybe, this could be forever.
-
Their apartment is small but it’s all they (meaning Laura) can afford. They do their best with what they have.
They have a small table in their kitchen that’s uneven and rocks back and forth if you shift too far to one side. It’s a faded shade of brown and Carmilla makes no secret of the fact that she hates it.
She begs Laura to let her buy a newer and better one. She has the money after all. She’s been saving since she was a fledgling – she’s got a fortune up her sleeve. Laura never moves from her firm stance of, “I want to do this as normally as possible and that means struggling. Normal twenty one year olds don’t have the financial capabilities to buy a mansion.” Which just makes Carmilla grumble because she’s not twenty one. She’s a centuries old vampire and if she wants to splurge, just a little bit, to buy a new table that doesn’t pose a hazard to anyone who eats breakfast on it, she should be able to!
She goes to Ikea with firm intentions of leaving with a new table.
She leaves empty handed with the realization that maybe, she respects Laura’s opinion too much to go behind her back.
It’s the first time she thinks that yeah, this could be forever.
-
The TV is playing Halloween specials in the background. Laura’s head is resting in Carmilla’s lap. Laura still looks an unhealthy shade of green and her face is still dripping with sweat.
She spent the afternoon vomiting. Carmilla suspects food poisoning from the street vendor Laura insisted on getting food from the previous afternoon. They were supposed to go out – it was Halloween after all but the minute Laura sprinted from their bed and into the bathroom, Carmilla knew they were in for the day.
They spent much of the afternoon in the bathroom, Laura’s head leaned over the toilet bowl, Carmilla holding her hair and gently soothing her when her throat started to burn. Close to dinner time, the vomiting stopped and Carmilla moved Laura to the living room. She made toast and gave her ginger ale (that’s what Yahoo answers told her to do anyway – she’s never dealt with this before).
They start at separate ends of the couch, Carmilla not wanting to crowd Laura and make her feel worse. It doesn’t last long because Laura hates that she’s not touching her, so she shifts so her head is in Carmilla’s lap. Carmilla reclines against the couch and starts raking her fingers through Laura’s hair. It’s knotty and full of sweat but the little purrs of content coming from Laura convince her to keep going.
Laura is moments away from falling asleep, so her voice is muffled and low when she says, “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” Carmilla’s hand stills and it takes every ounce of power she’s got not to start grinning like an idiot.
She waits until she hears the telltale snores before she leans down and kisses the top of her head, whispering, “No, you.”
-
Their first Christmas in the apartment is nothing special.
Laura brings home a tiny tree that looks like it’s missing half of its branches. She puts in right in the middle of their living room, Carmilla watching her from the doorframe with her arms crossed and her eyebrows raised. “That thing looks half dead.” She says and Laura rolls her eyes.
“It won’t once we finish with it.” She replies and Carmilla knows she’s in for a long night.
Laura drags her into the bedroom and forces her into one of the ugliest Christmas sweaters she’s ever seen. She wants to resist – say hell no, she’s lived nearly four centuries and she’s never worn something so heinous in her life. She certainly doesn’t want to break that record now. But then Laura looks at her with puppy dog eyes and she finds herself relenting, albeit with a grimace.
Christmas music is being blasted from the speakers and Laura keeps dancing along to it, distracting Carmilla who is meant to be stringing lights up on the wall.
She watches Laura dance with a small grin on her face. It hits her, as it does at least once a day, how lucky she is that Laura chose to look past the horrible things she’s done. That Laura chose to see the good that she’s capable of. She doesn’t know where she’d be without her.
They make decorations for the tree, mostly paper cutouts of stars and snowflakes. They need something to top the tree with and Laura’s face lights up. She runs into the kitchen and comes back with a cardboard box, scissors, and a picture of them from before graduation. She cuts the cardboard into the shape of a heart and glues the picture onto it. On the back, she writes, Laura + Carmilla in her familiar loopy script. Carmilla doesn’t try to hide her smile.
They finish putting up the lights at nearly 2am. They’ve both gone through three mugs of hot chocolate and entirely too many cookies. Laura is exhausted, Carmilla can tell by the way her eyelids droop slightly each time Carmilla pretends to look away. She wants to see the finished product though so Carmilla goes to the power strip where everything is plugged in and turns it on. The room is awash with light and Laura stares around the room in wonder. “It looks like winter wonderland in here, Carm, this is amazing!” Carmilla shrugs. She wants it to look perfect for Laura.
She walks up behind Laura and wraps her arms around her shoulders. Laura grabs onto her forearms and rests her head against Carmilla’s shoulder. “It’s so beautiful.” Laura whispers. Carmilla shuts her eyes and breaths in, letting the smell of Laura’s hair wash over her. She smiles.
“Not as beautiful as you.” She says and she doesn’t have to see Laura’s face to know that she’s grinning too.
-
Their first big fight starts small.
Laura has a job now, with the local newspaper and Carmilla is happy for her, she really is, but she never sees her anymore.
Laura works long hours and Carmilla spends nights alone, flipping through the channels on television, waiting for her to get home.
Most nights, Carmilla is fast asleep on the couch, cuddling the yellow pillow, when Laura finally walks in the front door.
Carmilla tries not to be bitter. She tries not to be angry. She tries to be happy that Laura’s succeeding.
But it feels an awful lot like she’s succeeding…without her.
It’s a Friday when Carmilla finally loses it. They made plans for a date night, just the two of them, and Carmilla went all out. The kitchen is decorated with roses and candles and Carmilla even set the rickety, dangerous table with the finest china in her possession.
She makes Laura’s favorite meal (chicken parm, and it makes her cringe because there are much better dishes in the world and her favorite is some bastardized version of an Italian delicacy?) and she plates it just before the clock hits 7.
She has her ears tuned toward the door so she’ll know the moment Laura walks in, which should be any second now….
Twenty minutes later, Carmilla is starting to worry. She checks her phone every few seconds, shooting a few “Where are you???” texts to Laura.
Another ten minutes pass and there’s no response. She calls LaFontaine and they tell her that they haven’t heard from Laura since yesterday. Carmilla hangs up without saying goodbye. She tries Danny next, swallowing every ounce of pride to do so. The ginger giant tells her she hasn’t talked to Laura since the weekend, when she was gushing about her first byline. She hangs up before Danny has the chance to berate her.
She’s full on panicking now. She wonders if there’s any way her Mother found a way out of hell and took Laura just to spite her.
She’s pacing around the living room, fingers of one hand anxiously tapping the side of her leg, her other hand dialing Laura over and over again. She calls LaFontaine again. She’s on the verge of tears and her words are coming out jumbled. LaFontaine tries to calm her down. They tell her, “Hey, breathe vampire. I know you don’t have to but it helps. Take a few deep breaths. Do you want me to go look for her?” They ask and Carmilla tells them yes. She needs someone out there looking and she doesn’t want to leave the apartment in case Laura comes back. “Okay. I’m leaving now. I’ll call you if I find her. Try not to panic too much, she’s probably stuck at work.” LaFontaine tells her and it doesn’t help.
She has to sit down because her legs are shaking. She pulls her knees up to her chest and buries her face in them. She tries to breathe and calm herself down. The room feels like it’s getting smaller and smaller, caving in on her like a collapsing building. Her breath is hitching and her teeth won’t stop chattering. She squeezes her eyes shut. Suddenly, she’s back in that coffin, confined and unable to move more than an inch at a time. She wants to call out for somebody, anybody to find her and release her from this prison but she can’t move her mouth because the instant that she does, it’s filled with blood and she chokes on it.
Her hands are on her head, squeezing at the ends of her hair, hard enough to pull some of it out. She wants it to stop. The pressing feeling in her chest, the sensation of never being able to get enough air even though she doesn’t need it. She wants to be free.
Arms are wrapping around her shoulders and someone is whispering, “Hey, hey, I’m here, baby, breathe.” In her ear. Laura. Carmilla’s breath begins to even out and Laura keeps whispering reassuring words in her ear. She leans into Laura and relaxes her body when she feels her breathing returning completely to normal.
She hasn’t had an episode like this in years, not since before she met Laura, and she hates it. She hates that Laura’s seen her this weak. She hates that Laura is the reason for it.
She allows herself a moment of comfort in Laura’s arms before she pulls away, yanking herself completely out of Laura’s grasp. Laura looks at her with questioning eyes. Carmilla stares back unblinkingly. “Where were you?” She asks coldly. Laura’s shoulders collapse. She closes her eyes for a moment and her thumbs start to twiddle. She bites down on her lip and Carmilla knows she isn’t going to like what she’s about to hear.
“Some of the interns and other lower level employees took me out for drinks to celebrate getting my byline.” She whispers and Carmilla thinks this is what getting your heart shattered feels like. She moves so there’s even more distance between them and Laura reaches her hand out to try and touch Carmilla’s thigh. Carmilla puts her hand up and shakes her head.
“Don’t touch me.” She nearly growls. Laura looks startled and Carmilla starts to feel angry.
“I-I’m sorry, Carm, I forgot we’d agreed to have date night. I just got so caught up in all of the excitement, it just slipped my mind.” And Carmilla feels as if she’s been punched in the gut. She forgot her. In favor of those spritely little buffoons she works with. Laura tries to move closer and Carmilla shakes her head again. She thinks that if Laura touches her, she may just be sick. This is the angriest she’s been in decades.
“We’ve barely seen each other in weeks. The first time we make a solid plan to make time for each other, wait no, for you to make time for me, you forget? Are you kidding me, Laura?” She spits and Laura looks apologetic but Carmilla doesn’t stop. “I feel like I don’t know you anymore. The only thing we ever talk about when we’re together is your work and we’re barely ever together! You’re always at work. Late hours, deadlines, fun and games!” She’s starting to yell now and Laura flinches. Carmilla knows she hates it when she raises her voice but she can’t control it. Not right now. “You didn’t think to invite me? Maybe I would have liked to go out and meet your little crew. You didn’t even ask.” Her voice is lowering now and it’s wavering. She’s losing the anger and it’s very quickly transforming into hurt. Her eyes fall shut and her shoulders droop. “You don’t even kiss me goodbye in the morning anymore.” She whispers. She feels tears prickling behind her eyes but she knows this fight has barely just begun so she tries to reign them in.
Laura explodes on her then and the fight escalates. Soon they’re both standing, screaming things at each other that they only barely mean. Laura’s got tears streaming down her cheeks and part of Carmilla wants to rush toward her and wipe the tears off her cheeks but she doesn’t. She can’t. So she keeps screaming and hopes that this doesn’t end the way all of the bad romantic films say that it will.
When Laura says, “I feel like you’re trying to hold me back! Stop me from getting ahead in my life so you can keep me this innocent little girl forever. And you can’t. Just because you’re going to be eighteen forever, doesn’t mean I have to be!” Carmilla breaks.
Her face falls. She lets out one long breath and says, “Fine. If that’s how you feel, I’ll get out of your hair. Let you get ahead. I’m sure that’ll be much easier for you without a centuries old anchor weighing you down.” She snaps and as soon as Carmilla says it, she sees Laura’s face crumple. The regret on her face is easily recognized but Carmilla can’t bear to look at it. She puts her head down and turns toward the door. “I’ll come back tomorrow for my stuff.” She says without looking at Laura and then she’s out the door.
Five minutes later, she’s standing in doorway of LaFontaine’s apartment, her vision blurry and her chest aching. She tells LaFontaine that she needs a place to stay and they agree without asking any questions, yelling to Perry that they need fresh sheets for the couch.
As Carmilla lays on the uncomfortable and unfamiliar couch, sobbing with incredible fervor, she realizes that this is what getting your heart shattered feels like.
-
She stays at LaFontaine’s for a month before she realizes that maybe she ought to start looking for her own apartment.
She doesn’t want to – part of her still hopes desperately that at any moment, Laura will come heroically through door and apologize for her behavior that night and Carmilla will finally be able to go home. She knows she could reach out first but she’s got too much pride for that.
She misses Laura like mad but it’s more difficult than pulling teeth to get her to admit it.
She misses her in a quiet way. She never asks LaFontaine or Perry if they’ve spoken to her (and she knows that they have, their hushed telephone conversations and inability to look her in the eye after they’re finished tell her that). She doesn’t wallow and she tries her hardest to cry only after they’ve gone to sleep.
She looks at Laura’s twitter every day. She sees tweets to coworkers and pictures of her grinning behind a martini glass and it makes her chest constrict. She hates that Laura seems to be doing just fine without her and she wonders if maybe Laura was right. Maybe she was holding her back.
Her article comes out a week after the fight and Carmilla cuts it out of the newspaper. She reads it over and over again, trying to imagine how each and every one of the words would sound coming off of Laura’s tongue.
It’s full of tear stains and wrinkles now.
She doesn’t send a congratulatory text but she does tell LaFontaine to tell Laura that she’s happy for her the next time they see her. LaFontaine agrees, a pained look spread across their face. Carmilla knows this can’t be easy on them, they were Laura’s friend first. Carmilla thinks that maybe when she leaves, she’ll go far enough away that she’s no longer a concern for any of them and Laura can have her friend back.
She’s barely been able to sleep. She knows it’s because she doesn’t have Laura or the comfort of her smell and she wishes she would have taken the yellow pillow with her. It’s as good as hers now anyway.
Carmilla is drinking a glass of blood, alone in the apartment, when the doorbell rings. She groans and slinks down on the couch. She hopes that if she doesn’t answer, whoever is on the other side will get the hint and give up and go home.
They don’t.
Carmilla groans. She stands up, taking the glass of blood with her, hoping it will scare the unwelcome visitor away.
When she opens the door, she’s so surprised to see who is on the other side, she drops the glass and it shatters, causing blood to flood the floor.
She’s standing nervously on the other side of the doorframe and the instant Carmilla sees her she feels like she’s able to breathe again. She smiles hesitantly at Carmilla and gestures toward the apartment. “May I come in?” She says and just the sound of her voice is enough to nearly knock Carmilla off of her feet. Carmilla shrugs.
“Not my place, you don’t need my permission.” She responds dryly, Laura laughs shortly before stepping over the puddle of blood and into the living room. Carmilla walks past her and sits back on the couch that she’s made her home over the past weeks. She stares up at Laura with raised eyebrows. “Why are you here?” She asks bluntly, crossing her legs. Laura takes a deep breath and it looks like she’s trying to work up enough courage.
“I miss you.” She blurts. “This last month has been the worst of my entire life. I’m miserable without you, Carmilla. And I know I said some things that night that you may never be able to fully forgive me for, but I have to apologize and I have to try to win you back because…I love you. You’re my happiness and I’m not willing to let you go without a fight.” She finishes and her eyes are bright with passion.
It’s everything Carmilla’s been waiting to hear for a month. She searches Laura’s eyes and she finds nothing but raw honesty in them. She stands and is in front of Laura after a few steps. Laura is looking at her uncertainly but her mouth upturns into a smile when Carmilla brings a hand up to her cheek, thumb grazing her cheekbone. Just before their lips touch, Carmilla says, “God, I’ve missed you so much.”
Laura is smiling when their mouths finally connect.
They spend the afternoon tangled in one another, exchanging kisses and apologies, Carmilla frequently wiping tears from Laura’s eyes. She thinks that maybe if hadn’t missed the girl so goddamn much, she would have made her work harder for her forgiveness but she realizes that she has the rest of her life to make her work for it. Just before LaFontaine comes home, Laura takes Carmilla by the hand and tells her that she wants her to come home. Carmilla can’t help but grin and say yes.
As they walk hand in hand down the street, Carmilla realizes that this is what it feels like when your heart is being put back together.
-
It isn’t easy after that, by any means, but it is better.
Laura makes more an effort to include her in the other half of her life and Carmilla talks to her when she’s feeling ignored. It’s not easy but they’re both willing to work for it. For each other.
One Sunday morning, Carmilla wakes before Laura. It’s 7am and Laura didn’t come home until close to 2am the previous night. She was all droopy eyelids and slurred speech so Carmilla just held her until she dozed off.
She looks peaceful when she’s asleep. Her face is relaxed and all of the stresses from her day are erased. She looks like an angel.
She can’t help but stare and watch as her chest rises and falls. She doesn’t want to be creepy like that sparkly idiot but Laura looks so adorable when she sleeps, she can’t help herself.
She knows Laura’s been stressed. The newspaper is going through some financial difficulties and they can’t afford to keep every junior reporter on staff, so Laura’s been fighting for her job. She rants about it to her but there isn’t much Carmilla can say except they’d be fools to fire her but she knows it doesn’t help her much.
Carmilla knows that Laura has to go back into work later in the afternoon so she decides that she’s going to make her morning as stress-free as possible. Starting with breakfast.
She doesn’t have a whole lot of experience making breakfast. Her morning diet usually consists of A positive and maybe some of Laura’s cookies. Laura’s more of a sugary cereal kind of girl. Carmilla does know that Laura’s favorite breakfast food is French toast, though she doesn’t often have time to make it.
They have all of the fixings for a proper breakfast and Carmilla is halfway through frying up the bacon when she feels arms snaking around her waist and a head resting against the back of her own. Carmilla grins. “Mornin’ sleepyhead.” Carmilla whispers and Laura grumbles something unintelligible into her neck. Carmilla laughs. “Aren’t I supposed to be the grumpy one?” She asks and Laura just tightens her grip around Carmilla’s waist.
“What’re you doing?” She asks sleepily.
“Making you breakfast.” She replies and she feels Laura’s grin against the back of her neck.
She nearly burns herself with bacon grease when Laura starts pressing sleepy kisses onto the side of her neck. She grumbles. She quickly turns herself around so they’re face to face. Carmilla rests her arms on Laura’s shoulders. She leans in and places a gentle kiss on Laura’s nose, which wrinkles as Laura smiles. Laura’s wearing only an oversized sweater that barely covers her ass and it’s one of Carmilla’s favorite things to see her in. Laura tilts her head up and looks into Carmilla’s eyes. Her own are glistening and she looks so beautiful that Carmilla almost wants to thank her Mother for turning her just because it gave her the opportunity to have this. Someone looking at her like she’s the light of their life. Someone warm and someone caring. Someone who loves her unequivocally and isn’t afraid to show it. She leans down and kisses Laura’s lips gently. Laura smiles against her lips. Carmilla pulls back only to give her a few more short kisses. Laura’s face and chest is flushing red and Carmilla kisses each one of her cheeks. “I love you.” She whispers and Laura’s face is the picture contentedness. She’s smiling easily and her face is relaxed. She leans in and rests her head on Carmilla’s shoulder.
“I love you more.” She grumbles into Carmilla’s shirt. Carmilla laughs.
“Impossible, cutie.” She kisses the top of Laura’s head. “I’ve had more than three centuries to wait for someone like you.” She breathes in, Laura’s scent flowing through her and it’s intoxicating. “That’s over 300 years worth of love I have to give.” She pauses and pulls back, forcing Laura’s head up so their eyes are locked. “And it’s all for you. Every last ounce of it. My heart is yours. Completely.” One tear flows out of Laura’s eyes now and Carmilla shifts her hands so she can wipe it off of her cheek. She replaces her thumbs with her lips and kisses just above Laura’s cheekbones, tasting the salt of Laura’s tears against her lips. She pulls back and Laura looks up at her. She smiles.
“I may not have centuries of love stored away but every bit of love I do have in me is yours. You’re my soulmate.” She says and Carmilla feels a tear trickle down her cheek, her smile shaky. She’s never felt so full of love in all of her centuries.
“And you’re mine.” Carmilla whispers before pulling Laura flush against her. As they embrace in the kitchen, the smell of burning bacon in the background, Carmilla realizes that yeah, this is forever.
-
It’s storming and the powers gone out.
Laura is lighting candles all around the apartment and Carmilla is sitting in the middle of the couch, her knees tucked close to her chest. There is a loud crack of thunder and she jumps. She shudders.
She hates the storms, especially when they’re bad like this one. There’s flashes of lightning every few minutes and Carmilla has to bury her face in her folded arms while the light flashes.
Laura sits down next to her and wraps an arm around her shoulder. She leans into her. Laura kisses the top of her head and rubs her arm. “You’ll be okay, baby, you’ll be okay. The storm will be over soon.” She whispers soothingly into Carmilla’s ear. Her whole body is shaking and she tunes her ears into Laura’s heartbeat, hoping the languid beat of it will help her calm down. It doesn’t.
Laura holds her tighter and she keeps her eyes open. She knows that if she shuts them, she’ll be back in that coffin and it’s the last place she wants to be.
“Hey don’t go back there. You’re here, with me. You’re not in the dark anymore. I’ve got you. Talk to me. Tell me happy things.” She asks and Carmilla breathes in.
“You were wearing a green tank top and blue sweats when I walked into that dorm for the first time. You were cute, I knew that immediately, but god you were annoying. Pesky and nosy and intent on getting yourself mixed up in things you should stay away from. But you were even cuter when you were angry. That’s why I started stealing the pillow. I knew it made you mad. Then I realized that smelling you while I tried to sleep helped keep the nightmares away. So I kept stealing it.” Her breathing is calming down now and there’s even a small smile on her face as she recalls how she fell in love with Laura.
“I knew you were something special that day before the town hall. You saw something in me that I hadn’t been able to see in myself for centuries – goodness. You believed in me, even if you didn’t know it.” Laura kisses the top of her head again. Carmilla pauses and she looks up at her.
“I knew I loved you the day that we danced. When I pulled you close to me, I knew I never wanted to let go as I long as I lived. You just felt…right in my arms. Like you fit against me perfectly. Like you were always meant to be there.” She continues and her breathing is back to normal now. She doesn’t feel scared, not even when the thunder rumbles.
She quiets and lets Laura hold her until the lights kick back on. When they do, her shoulders relax but Laura still pulls her closer to her. In her ear she whispers,
“I fell in love with you when you saved me from the giant mushrooms. I know it took me a lot longer than that to realize but that was my moment. Watching you jump in front of wild, unknown fungus’ for me was eye opening. It made me realize how much you were willing to risk for me. I’m still realizing how much you’re willing to risk for me and I want you to know that I’m willing to risk all of those same things for you.” Carmilla smiles.
“I hope, for my sake and yours, that you never have to.” She says and rests her head against Laura’s shoulder.
As the lay together, Laura playing easily with her hair and pausing every few minutes to kiss her, she realizes that she’s not the only one who knows that this is forever.
-
The summer is warm but Carmilla can’t sleep without touching Laura.
They sleep in barely anything, naked skin on naked skin, Carmilla cuddled close to Laura. She isn’t sleeping. Neither is Laura.
Carmilla’s arm is thrown across Laura’s waist and Laura’s hand is on Carmilla’s shoulder, her fingers dragging up and down Carmilla’s arm. Carmilla’s hand is on Laura’s bare stomach, dragging her fingers across it in light circles. The room is sweltering though the ceiling fan is turning at an alarmingly high speed. Laura is drenched in sweat (though that may have more to do with their….earlier activities than the heavy air). Laura’s hand shifts so she’s stroking Carmilla’s hair. She asks, “Do you still think about Ell?” Her words are timid and she sounds afraid to ask. Carmilla furrows her eyebrows.
“Why do you ask?” She inquires and it’s been years since they’ve talked about Ell together. Carmilla never assumed she was a subject they needed to discuss after Silas. Laura shifts her shoulders into something that resembles a shrug.
“No reason, I’m just wondering. Curiosity and all that.” She replies and her words are shaky. Carmilla knows she’s lying. Carmilla sits up and looks down toward Laura.
“Hey, what’s going on?” She asks, concerned. Laura sits up too. She crosses her arms and rubs one of them, an uncomfortable look on her face.
“I just want to know. Can you please just answer?” She begs slightly and Carmilla sighs.
“Sometimes. Not nearly as often as before I met you. And I don’t think about her in an ‘I love her so much and I miss her’ kind of way. It’s when I see parts of her in you that she comes into my mind. She was the first person I ever loved. That’s not so easily forgotten. But you’re my great love, Laura.” She reassures and Laura’s face still falls. Carmilla’s eyes widen and she wonders what she said wrong. She scoots closer to Laura, whose chin is quivering.
“You’re going to forget about me someday. You have the rest of eternity to live but I only have another, 60, 70 years if I’m lucky. One day, like, 150 years in the future, I’ll just be another girl that you loved.” She says and Carmilla feels her heart sink. She puts a hand on Laura’s knee.
“Hey, hey. No. I could never forget you and you could never be just another girl. You’re everything, Laura. I don’t care if it’s 1000 years from this moment. I will love you as much then as I love you right now.” She says fiercely. Laura nods and it’s obvious to Carmilla that she’s struggling not to cry. “C’mere.” She says, extending her arms and gesturing for Laura to come into them. Laura collapses into her arms and Carmilla holds her, silently for a moment.
“I’m scared. I’m scared because forever for you is different than forever for me. I know it’s selfish but you’re going to move on someday, you’ll have to, and it makes me sick to think of you laying like this with someone else. But then I remember that I’ll be dead and I won’t be able to do anything or if I’ll even know, which just makes me feel worse.” She rambles and Carmilla tightens her grip.
“No. Don’t think about that. We have years together.” She tries to reassure. “But I promise you, I will never love another like I love you. No matter how many lifetimes I live through, you will always be the one I love the most.” She says passionately and Laura nods against her chest.
“Okay.” She whispers and Carmilla can hear that she doesn’t quite believe her.
As she lays there, holding the love of her life, she realizes that she wants to spend the rest of her life proving to Laura that there will never be anybody else for her.
-
She’s coming home from an art exhibition and she hears the meows before she even walks in the door.
Laura is sitting in the middle of the living room, a thin, wet cat in her lap. She’s petting it slowly and its eyes are closed, though every few seconds they open and it lets out a frantic meow. Laura’s eyes shoot up when she hears the door open and she raises a finger to mouth, telling Carmilla to stay quiet. Carmilla furrows her eyebrows. She drops her back near the door and quietly steps toward Laura. Whispering, she asks, “What’s going on and why do you have that thing in your lap?” Laura looks at her with wide eyes.
“I found him on the street corner. It was raining. He doesn’t have a collar but he doesn’t look feral. He looked so scared, Carm. I couldn’t leave him there and let him freeze to death.” She explains and Carmilla sighs. She sits down next to Laura.
“He could have any number of diseases, you know that right? And just because he doesn’t look feral, doesn’t mean he isn’t a street cat. He could scratch you and give you rabies!” Carmilla’s voice raises slightly and the cat jumps, meowing loudly, straight off of Laura’s lap and underneath the couch. Laura looks disapprovingly at Carmilla.
“Look you scared him! Do you think a wild cat would run scared like that?” She asks and Carmilla sighs, because, no, a wild cat would have simply attacked her.
“We’ll take him to the vet tomorrow.” She says simply and Laura’s face starts to melt into a smile.
“Are you saying…?” She asks, excitement peppering her tone.
“IF they don’t find anything wrong with him, we can keep him. But I’m not cleaning the litter box.” Carmilla relents and Laura squeals with excitement. She throws her arms around Carmilla’s shoulders, kissing her cheek over and over again. Carmilla smiles. She knows she’d let Laura have whatever she asked for.
They spent the next hour trying to lure the cat out from underneath couch, Laura planting little pieces of turkey on the ground in hopes the smell might entice him out. It doesn’t.
Laura is exhausted, Carmilla can see it on her face, so she tells her that they should sleep. The cat will likely be out in the morning. He has to eat. Laura agrees and Carmilla holds her until she falls asleep. Once Carmilla hears Laura’s snores, she gently pulls her arms away from Laura and sneaks back into the living room. She looks under the couch, making sure the cat is still there (he is), before she closes her eyes and lets her body melt. When she opens her eyes, she’s seeing everything in black and white but it’s sharper and clearer than it was before. She stands on all four of her legs in front of the couch and meows, hoping the familiar sound will lure the cat out from underneath the couch.
It does.
Slowly but surely, the creature creeps out from underneath the couch. Carmilla backs herself up so she’s in the middle of the room, hoping the other cat will follow her. He does.
After a few gentle meows and a few strokes of her head against his own, Carmilla closes her eyes and this time feels herself being put back together. The cat is asleep on the floor of the living room now and Carmilla trusts that he’ll be there when they finally wake up in the morning.
She’s right.
Laura marvels at the sight and wonders what made him finally come out from underneath the couch. Carmilla shrugs, telling her she told her he would get hungry.
During the ride to the vet, the cat sleeps on her lap.
The vet tells them that, mercifully, there is nothing too seriously wrong with the cat, though he is severely underweight and has likely been on the streets for a few weeks. He gives them flea medication and food recommendations and tells them that he’s happy two kind souls such as them were able to open their hearts and homes to a cat that wouldn’t have survived a few more weeks on the streets. Carmilla wraps her arm around Laura’s shoulder and squeezes, kissing her cheek, when he says that. That’s always been the thing Carmilla’s loved most about Laura. Her big heart and her ability to look past first impressions. Laura grins up at her.
They walk out of the vet’s office, hand in hand. Laura has the cat carrier in her free hand and she as a bright smile on her face.
That night the give the cat a bath together, laughing and taking pictures of his angry little face when they dump water on his head. Laura falls asleep with the cat on her lap and Carmilla can’t help but take a picture of that too because it’s downright adorable.
They manage to get a picture of the three of them together and when Carmilla looks at it, she realizes that maybe, they’re starting to feel like family.
-
Laura drags Carmilla to one of her fancy dress work events.
Carmilla is dressed in a tight black dress that makes Laura drool. They very nearly don’t make it out of the apartment because Laura can’t keep her hands off of her.
They take a cab and Laura keeps her hand on Carmilla’s bare thigh the entire time, fingers dancing on her pale skin. Carmilla bites her lip so hard she nearly pierces it. Through clenched teeth, Carmilla says, “If you want to make it to this party, you’re going to have to take your hand off of my thigh.” Laura laughs and it’s throaty. Carmilla looks over at her and her pupils are blown wide, a large smirk stretching across her face. She leans in and Carmilla feels her breath hot against her ear and it sends a shiver down her spine
“I think I like it right where it is.” She whispers, punctuating her statement with a squeeze of Carmilla’s thigh. Carmilla clenches her teeth harder to suppress a moan. Laugh laughs as the cab slowly comes to a halt, Laura removing her hand and slipping out of the cab, leaving Carmilla to pay the driver while trying to remember to how to breathe.
Laura is already speaking to someone when Carmilla walks in. She slides her arm around Laura’s waist and kisses her cheek. Laura grins up at her and Carmilla leans to whisper in her ear, “I’m going to get you back for that cab ride, cutie.” Laura laughs and it quickly turns to a gasp that she has to cover up when Carmilla’s hand travels down and squeezes her ass. “Told you.” She whispers again and Laura bites her lip to keep herself from smiling, returning to the conversation she was having before Carmilla walked in.
Carmilla doesn’t move her hand from Laura’s ass until they move to sit down for dinner. As soon as they’re seated, Carmilla’s hand is sneaking up Laura’s skirt. Laura shifts, her legs spreading just enough for Carmilla’s hand inch up between her thighs to rest just next to her panty line. She squeezes gently and Laura’s eyes widen. Carmilla smirks. She shifts her thumb so it’s settled against Laura’s underwear. She drags it upward, enjoying the way Laura’s back straightens when her thumb gently grazes her covered clit. She presses it down, just slightly, but it’s enough to make Laura shudder.
Carmilla calmly engages in conversation with the gentleman sitting next to her as her thumb rubs slow circles against Laura’s clit. Every so often, she’ll glance over at Laura to find her biting down hard on her bottom lip and her voice catching while she tries to politely answer the questions being flung her way.
Carmilla decides it’s time to step it up. She slides a few fingers underneath the fabric of Laura’s underwear, dragging them against Laura teasingly. Laura’s face tenses. Carmilla brings a finger up to Laura’s clit and presses down, rubbing it in gentle circles. She’s going slow and she knows it’s driving Laura insane. She’s fiddling with a fork on the table, her breath hitching. She looks over at Carmilla with wide eyes full of desperation. She raises her eyebrows and gestures toward the dining room exit. Carmilla smirks. She nods. She removes her hand from its position between Laura’s legs and stands abruptly. She smiles sweetly down to the guests who are starting up at her. “Excuse me, I have to use the bathroom.” And she turns on her heels and walks out of the dining room.
She heads into the hallway and waits for Laura to make her exit.
A few minutes later, she does, and her mouth is instantly on Carmilla’s, pushing her back against the wall, her hands entangling in Carmilla’s hair. Carmilla pulls back but Laura’s lips don’t leave her. They travel down her neck and across her collar bone. “Hey…hey, we should…find somewhere….a little more…private.” She says through shallow breaths because it’s hard to focus on anything else when Laura is kissing her neck like that.
Laura pulls back and grabs her by the hand, pulling her into the first door that they find. It’s a coat closet. Laura turns the lock on the door and flicks on the light. Within seconds, she’s pressed up against Carmilla, pushing her thigh between Carmilla’s. Her lips are back on Carmilla’s neck, her hands traveling every curve of Carmilla’s body. Carmilla’s head is tossed back, exposing her neck fully for Laura to kiss. Laura’s lips detach from her neck and come back up to her mouth, kissing her hard. Laura’s hand drops between Carmilla’s legs and her hand grazes across Carmilla’s bare folds. Laura gasps. She pushes her hand upward, leaning in close to Carmilla. “Naughty girl. You’re not wearing any underwear.” She whispers and Carmilla raises her eyebrows, biting her lip.
“Tight dress. Didn’t want any panty lines.” Laura leans in and takes Carmilla’s bottom lip between her teeth. She lets it go only kiss Carmilla again.
“Easier for me.” She whispers, her hands shifting to the bottom hem of the dress, yanking it up above her hips. She falls to her knees in front of Carmilla, wedging herself between Carmilla’s thighs. Carmilla feels Laura press kisses into the inside of her thigh and she gasps, Laura mouth hot on her skin. Carmilla’s breath is staggered as Laura kisses up the inside of her thigh, pausing and taking the flesh of the top of her inner thigh into her mouth, sucking it hard.
Carmilla feels her hovering just above the spot she is so eager for her to touch. She feels her breath against her clit and she wants to take Laura’s head and connect her mouth to it but she doesn’t. She’s so wet and she’s aching to be touched, her hips grinding forward. Carmilla is extremely sensitive and she knows that Laura will barely have to touch her to get her over the edge.
Carmilla whimpers above Laura as she finally, finally puts her mouth where Carmilla wants it. She teases her clit with her tongue, one of her hands traveling up the inside of her thigh. Carmilla’s head is thrown back in total ecstasy. She gasps when she feels a finger enter her.
Carmilla legs are shaking and she moves her hands to Laura’s hair, weaving her fingers between the strands. Laura’s mouth works her over and she tries to bite down on her lip to keep a moan from escaping her mouth. It comes out as a strangled whimper. Carmilla feels another finger join the first and she knows she’s close. “Laura.” She whimpers and she picks up the speed of her fingers, pumping them in and out of her. Carmilla grinds her hips down and moans loudly as her muscles tense and pleasure explodes from the pit of her stomach. Laura’s mouth keeps going until Carmilla shudders and collapses back against the wall. She comes out from between her legs with a wicked smirk. Carmilla’s eyes are half shut when Laura stands back to her full height. She leans into Carmilla, kissing her and Carmilla moans into Laura’s mouth as she tastes herself on Laura’s tongue. Laura pulls back, licking her lips.
“You taste so goddamn good.” She whispers and Carmilla can’t help but lick her own lips. Looking into Laura’s eyes, she sees that they’re still blown wide with desire and Carmilla flips them around so she’s got Laura pinned under her.
“My turn.” She says, sinking down to her knees.
Laura’s louder than Carmilla is and by the time they emerge from the coat closet, it’s almost certain that all of the guests at the dinner party heard what they were getting up to. Holding hands and silly grins on their faces, they politely make their exit.
As soon as they’re back in their apartment, Laura’s lips are back on hers and that pesky little dress is thrown across the room.
It occurs to Carmilla, somewhere in between her third and fourth orgasm of the night, she never wants another person to touch her like Laura does.
-
They’re taking a walk in the park on a rainy day when Laura runs into one of her best friends from high school.
They embrace and Laura introduces Carmilla, who gives the girl a tight smile.
Their interaction is short but Carmilla tunes it out. She’s learned to stop being jealous of people who knew Laura before. She zones back in just as Laura is saying her goodbyes. Laura grabs her hand again and excitedly grins. “I can’t believe it! She’s married and has two kids now. I’m so glad she accepted the dinner invitation. I can’t wait to meet those little buggers. If they’re anything like she was as a kid, they’re probably nothing but trouble.” Laura rambles and Carmilla only half listens. She watches their entangled hands swing between them and she wonders if Laura wants kids. They’ve only talked about it once – during that first month in the apartment when she brought up names, but that was…spur of the moment. Led on by nostalgia and the fact that she’d just been to visit her parents’ grave. She knows that Laura is getting older. She’s by no means old but she’s no longer a kid. She’s an adult now. With a life, an apartment, and an immortal vampire girlfriend. Carmilla somehow doubts that last part was a factor in Laura’s equation.
She’s quiet for the rest of the day and Laura picks up on it. They’re lying next to each other in bed, Carmilla facing the wall and away from Laura, that night when Laura asks. “Okay. Tell me what’s going on? You’ve been quiet all day.” Carmilla sighs.
“Nothing.” She says, not turning around. She hears Laura huff and sit up in bed, the mattress creaking.
“Don’t lie. You’ve barely been able to look me in my eye since we ran into Shannon earlier. Does it have something to do with her? Because she’s always been just a friend and she’s married now so literally less than an issue.” She inquires and Carmilla squeezes her eyes closed for a moment before turning around. She sits up and asks,
“Do you want kids?” Laura looks taken aback by the question. She shrugs.
“I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it much.” Carmilla looks down. “Is that what this is about? Because I talked about Shannon’s kids? Listen. I don’t need kids to lead a full life. I have you and that’s all I need.” Laura explains and the words that Carmilla wants to say get stuck in her throat. So she just nods.
“Okay.” She says and slinks down into bed. Laura follows suit, wrapping her arms around her and kissing the top of her forehead.
The dinner with Shannon and her family is the next Sunday. Carmilla knows she’s been distant and she sees that it’s taking its toll on Laura, who has bags under her eyes. Carmilla, possibly selfishly, has been sleeping facing the wall. She hasn’t let herself hold Laura in a week and she can tell it’s hurting Laura but she can’t bring herself to turn around because if she does, she knows the words that got stuck in her throat would come spilling out and she’s not sure how Laura will react. The cat, however, seems to be enjoying sleeping between them.
Shannon arrives with a toddler holding onto her hand and an infant in a car seat in her other hand. She looks exhausted and Laura goes directly to her, introducing herself to the toddler, who turns shyly into her mother’s leg. Shannon rolls her eyes, “She’s a little shy. Give her a few hours, she’ll be wreaking havoc on your living room and you’ll wish she was still hiding behind my knee.” The infant is sleeping and stays in the car seat while the rest of them head to the table. Carmilla sits across from the toddler, to whom she gives a large, silly smile. She smiles back, albeit a little shyly. Laura dominates the conversation with Shannon, which leaves Carmilla to entertain the toddler.
It’s not something she minds – she enjoys it actually. She manages to get the little girl to eat her peas, something her Mother is incredibly shocked by. The little girl makes gurgling noises every time Carmilla makes a silly face while Laura and Shannon are engrossed in conversation.
They retreat into the living room after dinner and when the little girl gets down from her chair, she walks over to Carmilla and grabs her hand. Carmilla looks down at her, surprised, but the girl just looks up at her wide blue eyes and Carmilla feels her face melting into a tentative grin.
Both Laura and Shannon have wine in their hands and are very much engrossed in each other, so Carmilla feels safe sitting on the ground playing peek-a-boo with the toddler, who laughs in the most adorable way each time Carmilla pulls her hands away from her face.
Carmilla doesn’t notice Laura’s sly glances at her out of the corner of her eye or the way her face falls into a gentle smile each time she sees Carmilla’s eyes brighten when the toddler giggles.
Shannon has taken the toddler to the bathroom and Laura is in the kitchen getting dessert ready when the infant in the car seat starts to stir. After a few more seconds, stirring turns into whimpering, which turns to crying. Carmilla glances toward the doorway. It doesn’t look like anybody is coming so Carmilla gets off of the couch, unbuckles the infant from the car seat and holds the baby close to her chest. She walks around, the baby’s head resting against the skin of her chest. She holds the back of the head with one hand and the other secures the bottom half of the infant as she walks around the room, bouncing lightly until the baby stops crying. She hopes she’s doing this right. This is the way she sees mothers comforting babies in movies and it seems to be working.
Carmilla doesn’t see Laura standing in the doorway, a cake in her hands, a watery smile across her face.
Carmilla loves the feeling of the child against her chest. The infant is all warmth and tiny noises, each little noise sounding more and more like music to Carmilla’s ears. The baby’s eyes are open now. Carmilla looks down and smiles to herself at the sight of his wide blue eyes. She plants a tiny kiss on his forehead and she’s not sure why she does it. It seems to be a natural reaction.
Laura clears her throat and enters the room only after Shannon and the toddler come back into the room. She announces that it’s time for dessert and avoids watching Carmilla’s face crumple into a look of embarrassment.
The apartment feels empty after Shannon leaves with the kids. Carmilla is all grins and dreamy sighs.
She’s getting ready for bed when Laura walks into the bedroom with her arms crossed. “You didn’t ask me if I wanted kids for me. You asked for you.” Laura states and Carmilla freezes. Her shoulders slump and she turns. She shrugs.
“I don’t know. Maybe. It’s been over 300 years. I love you and yeah, the thought of having a family with you has crossed my mind. But I don’t know how it would work, so it’s just a fantasy really.” Carmilla dismisses and Laura walks up to her, wrapping her arms around her waist.
“It’s not impossible. We’d have to be really creative but it’s not impossible. If you want kids…I want them too. We can do this.” Laura encourages and Carmilla can’t stop herself from smiling.
“Are….are you sure?” She asks and Laura nods.
“Absolutely. We can have a family.” Carmilla feels her whole body swell with love and adoration for this girl. She kisses her forehead.
“We’re already a family.”
They lay in bed together that night, holding each other for the first time in a week, talking about what their family might look like in five years.
Carmilla knows that even if kids aren’t in the cards for them, Laura is family enough for her.
-
They decide that maybe, they’ve grown out of their apartment.
They have too much stuff and not enough room for it. Their cat gets into everything and the talk of kids has gotten serious. They know if they want to move on with their lives together, they have to move out of the shoebox they’ve been calling home for years.
It takes them a few short months to find a home. It’s a nice one, in the suburbs so they can still see LaFontaine, Perry, Danny, and the rest of their friends when they so choose. It’s an old Victorian and it almost reminds Carmilla of the home where she grew up. She falls in love with it immediately. There’s a real fireplace and a large backyard and Carmilla sees years of their future playing out here.
She stands with Laura in the middle of the dining room, her arms around her shoulders. She whispers in her ear everything she’s imagining. “We’ll have room for a big Christmas tree. We can buy actual ornaments. We’ll be able to decorate the whole house with lights.” She pauses. “We can get one of those really big TVs and make one of those forts you’re always begging me for. We’ll watch movies underneath it and makeout like teenagers who don’t want to get caught by their parents.” She leans down and rests her chin on Laura’s shoulder. “We’ll make breakfast together on Sunday mornings in the kitchen. We can watch the sunrise from the backyard. We can lay on a blanket and watch the stars and every single meteor shower.” She kisses the skin between Laura’s neck and shoulder. “This is the home where we’ll raise our kids. It’s perfect.” Laura turns around and wraps her arms around Carmilla, kissing her softly on the lips.
“You’re right. It is perfect.” She whispers and there are tears filling her eyes.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Carmilla asks and Laura shakes her head.
“Nothing. Everything’s fantastic. I’m just…so happy. If someone would have told me when I started college that this is where it would lead me, I never would have believed them. But I’m so happy. I’m so happy that I met you. I’m so happy that you fell in love with me. I’m happy that you took me back even though I was being a terrible girlfriend. I’m glad you’ve stayed with me. You could have chosen to walk away at any point and you didn’t. I just love you so much, Carmilla Karnstein and I can’t wait to start our future.” Carmilla pulls Laura to her and kisses her head.
“Cutie, I was sunk the minute I walked into that dorm. I couldn’t walk away even if I wanted to.”
-
They move in on a fall Saturday. The trees in their backyard are turning a beautiful shade of red and there’s a huge window in the back of the house that Laura can’t tear herself away from. Carmilla’s been moving and unpacking boxes for nearly an hour but Laura’s barely moved from in front of the window. Carmilla yells from her spot in kitchen, “Hey cutie, moving isn’t a one person job. Just because I have super strength doesn’t mean I can do this all on my own.” Laura looks over at her with a small grin.
“I’m sorry, it’s just so pretty. I can’t believe this is ours, y’know?” Carmilla nods. She walks over to her and stares out the window with her.
“Funny, that’s how I feel about you.” Carmilla comments and Laura rolls her eyes, elbowing her in the side.
“You’re such a giant sap, you know that don’t you?” Carmilla shrugs.
“Don’t tell.” Laura laughs. Carmilla grabs her hand and says, “Dance with me.” Laura’s head shoots up and she looks at her incredulously.
“What?”
“Dance with me! I want to dance with my beautiful girlfriend in front of this beautiful window in this beautiful house. Indulge me. Please.” Laura shakes her head.
“Fine.” She agrees and faces Carmilla, who spins her around and pulls her close.
“I trust you remember how?” Carmilla asks, her mind flashing back to that night at Silas. Laura blushes and grins.
“Yeah. I do.” She replies and puts her hand on the small of Carmilla’s back.
They sway to no music in front of the beautiful clear window. Carmilla closes her eyes and she can imagine the sounds of tiny feet running across the kitchen and the smell of hot chocolate floating through the air when Laura makes in the morning instead of coffee. Carmilla pulls Laura closer to her. Into her ear, she whispers.
“I love you to the moon and back.” Laura grins into her neck.
“I love you, too.” She replies and she picks her head up off of Carmilla’s shoulder. She kisses her lips and Carmilla grins against them.
“C’mon. We really have to go unpack the kitchen.” Laura sighs.
“If we have to.” Carmilla laughs. She pulls away from Laura, their hands still interlaced. She pulls her lightly into the kitchen, where the piece of furniture they have unpacked is that rickety old table neither of them could bring themselves to get rid of.