Archive of Our Own ^beta

The day had just begun to end, as the sun started to dissipate behind the scattered clouds of the summer evening turning into night. Matt scurried up the dirt trail, pointing to the looking point of the enormous dusky sky.

“C’mon Ry, you can make it,” he spat teasingly behind him adjusting his hat. Ryan huffed annoyingly with a “remind me again why we had McDonald’s again for the third night? I was doing good eating decent-ish.”

The two men had finished up their week worth of work on a Friday afternoon and decided to spend an evening doing something they’ve never done before— stargazing! Jackson has agreed to tag along with them but forgot he made plans with his girlfriend to visit his family for the weekend.
As they climbed up the incline, binoculars were apparent. Matt reaches for the binoculars slightly bending down to counter act his towering build.
“What the hell- Groupon said there were binoculars! Binoculars that work!”
Matt yipped automatically when Ryan grabbed onto his arm suddenly a bit out of breath.

“You’re-“ Ryan exhaled.
“A... Fucking idiot.”

Matt looked back up at him with defiant eyes as if to retort back, but was met with Ryan placing a couple of quarters in the small metal bank attached to the device.

“Takes coins. Duh.”

Matt had already glued his eyes back into them and continued to rotate along the sky making cheesy ‘oooh’ and ‘ahhh’ sounds.

“We should have brought at least some chairs or a blanket.” Ryan kicked a pebble underneath his slides. The younger man cooed into the binoculars more like a child while ignoring the brooding man.
“Nah we gotta be one with nature or some shit.”
Ryan raised an eyebrow at his friend and snickered.

“That sounds like something Harrison would say.”
“Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t.”

Taking a seat on what Ryan thinks is a dirt mound, (maybe a rock? It was starting to get dark, who knows,) he holds his head in his hands moaning “hey, Lemme have a turn now, they’re my quarters.”

Matt turns back around looking unamused at first then pityful.
“I’ll pay you back. I didn’t know we needed quarters.”

Ryan scoffed to himself slightly amused. “Of course not, why one earth would you check that?”
Matt smiled into the binoculars quipping “I just thought it was something that came with the view point I guess.”

Ryan continues to gaze at his friend more out of boredom but also due to his amusement. Ryan enjoyed Matt’s antics, especially due to the fact that his energy level usually matched his. They both love to be neurotic and goofy about anything but when it came to socialization, that was another story. Ryan has said he always wanted to check out this place but never got around to it, so Matt not so nonchalantly decided that it was time to change that. The older man let him plan the evening of consuming shitty fast food again, and taking a hike up to the looking point. Even if Ryan’s stomach disagreed.

The sun has finally peaked its last ray and the sky turned to a deep purple with its glowing jewels. Matt and Ryan has taken turns peeking into the sky with Matt teasing that maybe they could find the star “Ryan Magee.”

After a half an hour or so the two men wound up sitting on the dirt ground babbling amongst themselves.

“I just get tired, man.” Matt pulled out gummy worms from his pocket with Ryan’s phone flashlight shining on him.
The bearded man erupted in a laughing fit spitting out “because you do shit like that!!”

Pointing towards Matt’s pockets spilling the gummy treat. The two of them laughed more and Matt held the remaining ones up asking “I guess that means you don’t want any, hm?”

“Aw man I’m really missing out on eating some pocket lint.” Ryan rolled his eyes rubbing his cheek with the back of his hand.
“I mean I get it, but we seriously gotta get actually working on the Minecraft series.”

Matt huffed “I know I know man I’m excited about it I just get- distracted and- well you know,” he gestured towards Ryan.

He hummed crossing his legs returning his gaze to the sky. A sudden slap his heard and Ryan twitches the light back on Matt with his hand close to his calf with a large red bug bite.

“Damnit, fucking bugs.”
“Yeah can we head to the car now I’m getting bit.”
Ryan ushers a “yes,” and gets up abruptly and turns the opposite direction down the hill and starts to make his way down.

“Ok so- WAIT!” Matt yells a little too loud.

“What you big baby?”

“I can’t fucking see!”

“Oh my bad,” Ryan stifles a giggle turning up to Matt.
The two of them make their way down the steep hill with the distance of L.A.’s lights and a few parked cars headlights on ready to leave. Ryan looks over at his friend barely to distinguish his face from the dark night, watching him methodically place each foot step carefully, as if concentrating on each step as if it were his last. Ryan attempted to keep his gazes shortened even though it was hard to see each other in the first place. He laughed to himself in his head. Sneaking small glances of Matt became habitual, almost like a game for him. He couldn’t decipher why but it felt almost wrong sometimes to notice the subtle and softer things about Matt. How he would stick his tounge out slightly when concentrating, such as going down this steep hill. Though he couldn’t see much of him, the outline of his face against the vague lights of the city made him feel safe. It made him feel familiar.
“Hey Matt.”

Matt waits a beat or two.
“Hm?”

“Bet you I can make it down the hill first.”

The younger friend turns to the older with an inquisitive face as if not knowing what he said at all. But then it fades to his mischievously stupid grin.

“Ryan I-“

“Pussy.”

“Ryan I can’t fucking SEE!”

Without a another breath Ryan’s pace quickens with only the shaken flash light on his phone to be seen.

“RYAN!”
Streams of giggles emerge from Ryan but not the same can be said for Matt, as the two of them leap down the hill without any guidance, (at least for Matt.)

Putting his hands on top of his head, Ryan pants deeply at the end of the hill only a hundred feet or so from the parking lot. In an instant, as if I’m que, Ryan turns around.
“Matt? Buddy? You good-“

A violent slam is racked against Ryan’s midsection instantly being knocked to the ground. Looking up and shining his flashlight he sees Matt smiling widely masked by his pain laughing sheepishly.
The two of them separate yowling and groaning to themselves.
Matt out of breath finally exhales a “gotcha.”

Ryan continues to groan but it turns into a wicked sounding laugh.
“You’re- Matt you’re so dumb.”
He winces more.
“My fucking back hurts.”

“Ok wise guy, maybe don’t leave your friend behind on a fucking pitch black hill!”

“You didn’t have to run down!”

“But you said to race!”

“Yeah and? You didn’t have to!”
Two people pass by them eyeing the men suspiciously but continue down to their cars full of judgement.

Ryan’s light is still towards Matt with a distained look. Matt couldn’t decipher in the darkness but could hear his facial expressions by his voice.
“who won?”

“Me.”

“Matt, you literally crashed into my back!”

“I accidentally walked into you, and it wasn’t your back! You asked me to race you without any kind of light, bud!”

Ryan stood up in his own, stretching his back exaggeratedly and huffs at the taller man.
“God, you are truly something Matthew.” Matt flinches at the handling of his full name, especially in the context of which Ryan presented it in. He knew that he was actually annoyed with him, but he could hear the slight taunting in his voice.
Matt breathed out, not noticing that he was holding anything to begin with.

“I’m sorry man, can we find your car now and go home?” He breathed more easily with some laughter escaping him. Ryan grunted a “sure,” and they head back to his car.

•••

“God,” Ryan scratches the back of head while tapping his fingers on the steering wheel anxiously.

“Hey Matt.”

Matt looked up from his phone abruptly.
“What’s up?”

“I don’t remember how to get out of here back on the highway.”

Most of the cars that did come to the look out were gone (even thought there weren’t many to begin with,) and now that it was pitch black outside, Ryan was creeping up the trail, even with his brights on.

“Everything looks so different when it’s dark.“

“Just google it in your phone.”

“Google what?”

Matt tilted his head and pulls at his eyes.
“Our addresses.”

“Oh, right.”

Ryan exhales tiredly reaching for his pocket. He holds the breaks of his car searching for his phone to lead them home.

Matt continues to scroll aimlessly watching Ryan in the corner of his eyes.
Ryan’s hand with his phone thuds on his lap.

“What?-“

“Phone’s dead,” Ryan breathes out.

“Ok well just use mine.”
Matt hands Ryan his phone while pressing the home button to exit out of Twitter. The window dash of the car suddenly becomes as dark as their faces. Both of their expressions go from tired and uninterested to panicked.

Matt’s phone goes black.

“Are you fucking kidding me.”

Matt puts his phone quickly back in his pocket,
“It’s ok it’s ok, we’ll figure it out, I think I remember...”

Ryan audibly blinks and grows flushed.
“You had to play on your even when we’re in the middle of fucking nowhere. You didn’t even charge it?”

“Your phone is dead too!”

“Yeah, because I used it for directions, TO here!”
Ryan put more emphasis holding up his dead phone.

Matt stops his breath from saying anything else and sinks back into his seat with his arms slightly crossed.

“Sorry man, didn’t know we’d need my phone.”
The sound of Ryan’s car idles for what feels like minutes before either one of them speak again. Ryan massages the temples of his forehead while shaking.
“Alright alright I’m sorry. I’m tired, my back hurts, and I’m a little cranky. I just wanna go home.”

Matt perks up a bit again and watches Ryan twiddle his finger together anxiously, really taking in his emotions.

“Yeah, a little.” Matt says sarcastically. Ryan doesn’t acknowledge the comment and continues to fuss with his fingers and tap nervously. Of course Matt was worried about getting out of here too but he could tell that Ryan was having trouble trying to be the anchor right now.

So Matt sighs and rubs his back.
“Alright, it’s ok. Let’s see...” Matt scratched of what little facial hair he had and hummed to himself.
“I can try and direct us out of here? I think I remember the way?”

Ryan turns to him desperately.
“You really think so?”

Matt sheepishly smiles and says “I think?...”

“Matt.”

“Listen, when we start running low on gas,” Matt eyes the tank, which appears to be 3/4s gone.

𝘚𝘩𝘪𝘵.

“We can stop and sleep for the night. There should be people coming back to hike in the morning and we can get help. Ok?”

Ryan stares at Matt for a few seconds too long before answering.
“I don’t wanna sleep in my stupid car!” Ryan whines mostly at the situation and not at Matt.

Matt smiles. Not about their predicament they’re in but at how whiny Ryan can be. Though it was annoying he found it to be cute at times due to Ryan always coming off as intimidating.

“Oh c’mon! It could be fun. It’s like a sleep over! Or camping!”

“Yeah, in my shitty car. My back hurts...”

Matt slaps the back of his neck before fully turning back to his seat.

“Alright let’s try to attempt to get out of here for a little while.”

Ryan hesitantly lets go of the break and continues down the trail.

•••

“I just don’t understand how you could forget is all.”

Ryan waves his hand in the air growing tired of Matt’s ‘turn here, turn there, wait nevermind s.’

“I’m trying here Ryan, please work with me man.” Matt rubs his eyes then yawns widely.

“I think we should call it a night-“

“No!”

Matt looks at Ryan surprisingly.

“Ryan, what-“

“Matt you said you know where you’re going-“

“I said I’ll try my best, Ry.”

“Matt I can’t sleep in here, my back is fucked as it is I can’t do it, man! And on top of that I didn’t take my pills, you fucking ran into me knocking-“

Matt interrupts Ryan full forcedly with out hesitation.

“Ok Ryan I’m sorry! Alright? I’m sorry that it’s my fault your back fucking hurts because I’m a dumb ass that has no depth perception! I’m sorry I can’t remember how to get out of this labyrinth hell hole! I’m sorry that I dragged you to this stupid place!”

Matt rolls over facing his window with the thump of his body fully hitting the seat out of anger. He digs his finger nails into his arms while scrunching up his legs to his chest.
Ryan observes how foldable his friend can be, looking at the condensed version of him.
He watches his friend’s rythmatic breathing from the outline of lights emitted from the car’s head lights. Ryan breathes out his nose turning his full attention to the road and continues to creep up.

A few minutes pass and the car engine turns off, along with the bright head lights that was shining their way. Matt doesn’t dare to turn over and look at Ryan, but he can hear him shuffling around in his seat to get comfortable.

Time slows down as it feels unbearable to actually fall asleep in these god forbidden so called seats. Matt can feel Ryan turn on his back fully exhaling slowly.

“You know what’s crazy,” Ryan blurts out.

Matt doesn’t say anything. He thinks that maybe Ryan will think he’s asleep.

“I really didn’t like you. Like at all. I told Daniel that he’d be better off trying to find someone else to make videos with.”

Matt opens his eyes and blinks to himself. Yeah he knew that already. He knew that his first impressions on Ryan were not so great. But that was a long time ago. Before they really knew each other.

“I know you know that. But I don’t think you know how much.” Ryan hesitated for moment twirling his finger to himself, picking at his cuticles.

“I even convinced myself I only liked you because Daniel did. Because Daniel thought you were funny. Worth bringing onto our channel to make videos.”
The slight glow of a street lamp lit the outline of Ryan’s body, making him hard to appear, but it didn’t matter because Matt refused to turn over and talk. He had enough of Ryan.

“It’s not that I was pretending to like you. I think I was pretending to secretly not like you? It makes no sense honestly.”

Matt thinks about how Ryan would talk about Daniel every so often a few years back. And how rarely he brings him up in day to day conversation now. Not out of forgetting or merely not caring anymore, but out of healing Matt proposes to himself.

“And even after... I couldn’t get rid of you. I mean I didn’t have anybody else. I didn’t... I didn’t want to replace him. I didn’t want to think of it in that way, but my brain kept doing it. And you’re not. You’re so different than him. And I think I sometimes forget that even though you do... or I do... get irritable, annoying, disagreeable...” Matt’s on his back staring at the car ceiling fully soaking in what Ryan’s saying.

“... I do love you. A lot. I sound stupid and I swear I’m sober,” he says in between soft laughs.

“But couldn’t get rid of you because I didn’t want to. And I never did. I was just being stubborn and angry and...” Matt is fully turned towards his larger friend with soft eyes looking for more.

“I don’t know man, I was lost. And uh...” Ryan’s words trail off.

“So I was like your North Star?”

Ryan slightly jumps at Matt’s input, being taken a back that he’s talking to him again. Not that it surprised him. Matt held grudges loosely as his clothes fit him.

Ryan barely able to distinguish his friend’s face picks up his subtle taunt in his voice, but isn’t sure as to why.

“Like that big ass star in the sky that people follow?”

Matt chuckles, “yes Ryan, ‘that big ass’ star,” he imitates his tired and low voice.

“Fuck off.”

“I’m good, thanks.”

Ryan grunts, “I’m trying to have a heart to heart and you say-“

“Ryan, how do you not know what the North Star is.”

“I don’t know! You’re the one that made fun of it.”

“Only because you act you’ve never heard of it. I was trying to be sentimental.”

“Sounds like you’re trying to make my source of happiness revolve around you being some kind of fuckin star that’s big and north.”

They both exchange several exhausted laughs followed by Matt saying
“I love you too, fucker.”

Ryan stares a moment too long then barks
“Ok gay.”

Matt mumbles to himself something about “only for you!” And closes his eyes to try and get some sleep. Ryan continues to lay on his back with his hand tucked behind his head.

𝘚𝘰 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘕𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘩 𝘚𝘵𝘢𝘳?

Ryan laughs to himself.

Something like that.