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“are you awake?”
killua blinks, slow and drawn out, watches the stars above blink back in silence. the fire has long gone out, faint smoke trails lingering and mixing with the scent of the ocean. the trees are still and the water is calm, yet far ahead killua can hear the forest hum with life. he huffs and lays flat on his back, arms stretched beneath his head. “no, unfortunately i am fast asleep. ask again in the morning.”
he doesn’t need to look to know gon’s reaction. the air around them shifts as gon turns to face him, closing the gap between them by a few inches. his lips pout like they always do whenever killua teases him as such, always followed by twinkly doe eyes and a disapproving whine of “killlllllllllllua.” he doesn’t need to look at something he’s practically memorized by now, after days and nights of traveling together. he doesn’t need to, yet killua can’t help but turn his cheek and take in the familiar sight.
“yes, i’m awake. what’s up?” through half lidded eyes, killua watches as gon smiles to himself, not his usual toothy grin but something quiet, softer, lips together and pulled up weakly. his expression is cloudy, a sort of subdued sadness swimming behind the small smile and dim eyes. his hand grabs a handful of grass and holds it as if it’s the only thing keeping him to the ground.
“nothing much, i just…”, his fist tightens, growing whiter by the second, “i wanted to know that you were still here.” gon answers nervously, almost unsure of what he’s even saying. killua’s mouth goes dry, and his ears throb with the sound of his pounding heart.
“gon, obviously i’m-“ he pauses, watching gon go still. he pauses, because he knows it’s a shallow answer to a loaded question. somewhere deep down, he knows it’s more than just a simple check-in, that they’ve gone through countless sleeps without ever having to ask. if it were any other day, in any other place, killua knows all it would take is a quick retort to reassure the both of them back to bed. but it’s this night that makes it different. it’s the fact that they’re sleeping under the stars on whale island, gon’s home and all he’s ever known for most of his life. it’s remembering stories of a child all by himself running through the forest, jumping from rock to rock, eating every little thing he came across with not a single fear. it’s remembering that killua wasn’t the only one to make his first best friend the day of the hunter exam. it’s memories of a shadow, a path that keeps winding, twisting further and further as gon keeps following it, trying to catch up to the first thing he ever lost; the first person that ever left him behind.
so killua knows a simple answer won’t suffice. he has to know after watching gon for so long, for being by his side every moment of every day. he knows that gon needs something more, but it’s fear that brings a lump to his throat. would he even be able to give the answer gon wants, the one he deserves?
he doesn’t know, but his body moves on it’s own, reaching for gon out of instinct. his hand falls onto gon’s, his chilled skin warmed instantly from the contact. he can feel how tense gon is, how close he is to ripping roots out from the ground, and he gently squeezes.
“look, i’m here for you, no matter where you go or what you choose to do. as long as i can help you, i’ll be here. we’ve already come this far so you can’t shake me off that easily.”
he can hear gon’s breath shake as he breathes in and out slowly. the hand underneath his begins to relax, letting go of the grass between his fingertips and laying flat on the ground. killua wraps his hand fully around it, their hands just almost the same size. his skin shines like porcelain against the warm tan of gon’s hand, both decorated with small nicks and faded scars.
“i promise you, no matter what… you’ll always have me.” it’s a whisper, but it’s as loud as a scream, it’s the loudest thing killua’s ever heard in his life. he’s not sure if gon hears it or not until he sees him nod gently, taking it in and processing it one word at a time. even he stops to rewind and think about what he’s just said, and he just hopes that it’s dark enough to hide the burning pink of his cheeks.
gon doesn’t look killua in the eye. instead he chooses to inch closer and closer until he’s just a few centimetres away. killua can feel gon’s breath against his own skin. with just a lean forward he could easily bump foreheads or graze noses, but killua stays still in his spot. there is a fine line between them, always has been since the day they met, and he’s not brave enough, has no right to cross it and see what’s waiting on the other side. not yet. maybe never.
“i am very glad to have met you.” gon peers back up at him, a quaint shyness lighting his eyes, “thank you killua, for everything.”
“if anything…” killua stops, his mind racing with thoughts. if anything, he should be the one that’s grateful that they’ve met. if anything, he should be the one worrying, wondering if he even deserves any of this, deserves to lay across from gon and promise him that he’ll be the one to stay. the list goes on and on and all killua can do is just hold onto gon’s hand and give him a smile.
“of course, anything for you.”
gon’s flashing a wide grin, eyes pulling into crescent moons and all killua can do is hopelessly feel his heart flutter at the sight as it sinks to the bottom of his stomach. there is only so much killua can do for him until he has nothing left. for all that gon has done for him, there is only so much he can provide in return. all killua can do is make a promise he won’t be able to keep.
but for now, there is only so much that can be done but at least he can hope. for now he can hope the night lasts a little longer, hope that when morning comes he’ll still be holding onto gon’s hand. for now, all killua can hope for is to keep the one thing he doesn’t deserve to have, this place beside his best friend. hope is all he can dare to ask for.