Chapter Text
May 20th
“Kei, did you hear me?”
“Kei?”
Kei’s eyes shoot up from their fixation on the floor of the doctor’s office, darting around the room to double check his surroundings before apologetically making eye contact with the concerned ones before him.
“Uh, sorry, blanked for a second. What were you saying?”
Kei’s psychiatrist, Dr. Mishiya, is a very kind, patient woman. She has never made him feel inferior or weak despite his current condition, which is certainly grace he can’t provide for himself. It’s refreshing, albeit extremely foreign and difficult to process, to say the least.
“That’s alright. I was saying I think we should increase the Xana—“
“No,” Kei interrupts, intertwined fingers clenching in his lap. “Sorry. You know I’m already hesitant to take that stuff at all. Twice a day is enough.”
Dr. Mishiya gives him a stern glance a very subtle frown before calmly responding, “Kei, I understand your hesitancy, but as we’ve discussed, under my monitoring the risk of—“
“Please.” Kei cuts in again. His hands have begun to quiver so his eyes return to their favored spot on the floor.
Focus.
Ground yourself.
The room isn’t spinning.
You’re fine. . ?
“Alright,” Dr. Mishiya replies calmly, “In that case, I’d like to up your dose of paroxetine. Just to 15mg. Does that sound okay?”
“‘s fine,” Kei replies, voice far away. His eyes are still on the floor.
There’s a pause. Kei hates these pauses during their meetings. He can feel her eyes on him, watching, analyzing, and he hates it. He knows she is here to help him but the silence is deafening. It makes him feel like even a licensed professional doesn’t know what to say to him to make him feel better. As if words held that power anyway. He’s heard the cliche “it won’t be forever,” and “this too shall pass,” countless times and yet we’re still here. Words are just that, after all. Words.
“Alright then, I’ll see you next week. Remember to take it easy on yourself, okay?"
“Right.” Kei picks his bag off the floor and gives a curt bow before turning his back and walking out to the reception room.
*****
Kei heaves a sigh as he exits the clinic. Instinct kicks in and he’s already fumbling through his backpack to pull out his headphones. He opens his music app with no particular mood in mind, just goes to his recently downloaded playlist and hits shuffle. Anything will do right now. Anything to give his mind something else to focus on. There’s the newest J-POP song every store in Japan is playing on loop, a few recent anime OP’s and ED’s, and a few songs from some western bands he found recently. Kei isn’t picky when it comes to music genres. He’ll listen to most anything, and if he had it his way he’d never take his headphones off.
He turns the volume up as he walks.
“Oh, somebody tell me I’m fine
And that I’m gonna be alright
Oh, cuz nobody’s looking to die
When they’re happy inside
But it is what it is”
It’s raining on his way to the pharmacy, because of course it is. Weather and Kei have an interesting relationship. Rather, they seem to understand each other. On his good days he often notices there’s not a single cloud in the sky. On his...not-so-good days, nine times out of ten it rains. He doesn’t know what weather god decided his life was entertaining enough to synchronize with, but it’s becoming less and less amusing. He's glad he can't hear each raindrop hitting his umbrella, taunting him as he walks.
The wait time at the pharmacy appears longer than usual today. A group of elderly got there before him. He silently hands his prescription and medical card to the clerk and finds an empty seat in the back corner. The staff all know him by now, after all he’s shown up once a week for the past two months almost, and it’d be hard to forget a six-foot something blonde begrudgingly paying for anti-anxiety and antidepressants so often.
He feels his phone buzz in his pocket and grabs for it, already knowing what to expect.
16:48
Tadashi: Tsukki! Appointment go okay?
Kei has to stop himself from rolling his eyes. Yamaguchi knows he has his psychiatrist appointments every Tuesday. And every Tuesday he sends the same message despite knowing he’ll get the same answer.
16:49
Me: Fine, I guess.
Tadashi: That’s good!! Any changes?
Oh, right. Kei completely forgot they decided to increase his anti-anxiety meds. He was too fixated on that mention of increasing Xanax he all but shut down after that.
16:51
Me: Nothing major.
Tadashi: That’s good then right? That means she thinks things are working for now? The guys say hi, by the way.
“The guys.” The Karasuno volleyball team. Specifically the forever idiot duo Hinata and Kageyama. He hasn’t seen them properly in well over a month now. Granted, he doesn’t particularly have the desire to see them, but now, in the beginning of their third year of high school, the obnoxious hollering and incessant spirit of his teammates became normalcy to Kei. And now, normalcy is this. Weekly psych meetings. Pharmacy waiting rooms. Prescriptions. Refusal of prescriptions. More prescriptions.
16:55
Me: Tell Hinata I grew 1cm this month
Tadashi: lol you don’t get measured at that kind of doctor!
16:56
Me: He won’t know that. Just tell him, it’ll be funny.
“Tsukishima-san?” A voice from behind the counter calls out. He stands up, feels his phone vibrate in his pocket once more, and heads to the counter.
His mind goes blank throughout the pharmacist’s explanation. He knows it’s protocol to list off every pill’s name and intake directions despite Kei having memorized them all after the very first time. He mutters his understanding after each one, a robotic reflex unwillingly embedded.
The clerk gives an all-too-cheery "get well soon!" after he pays, which Kei has always found a bit disconcerting. He stows the prescriptions away in his backpack and heads out of the pharmacy, re-placing his headphones and finally checking his phone that buzzed with a notification earlier.
16:58
Annoying Orange: HEY!! I’M NOT THAT STUPID!!
Annoying Orange: BUT IF YOU REALLY GREW ANOTHER CM IM GONNA BE PISSED >:(
Kei huffs the smallest of laughs to his own surprise, and just sends a middle finger emoji in response.
*****
“I’m home," Kei says in a low voice, removing his shoes and padding his way over to his room wishing for no interruptions, but of course the universe wouldn’t be so kind. When has it ever been?
“Welcome home,” Akiteru replies, peeking his head out from the doorway leading into the living room, “Appointment go okay?”
“It was fine. Same as usual,” Kei says, half of his body already in his room, but he's paused just enough to not be flat-out rude. “Gonna lay down.”
“Okay! Let me know if you need anything!” Akiteru chirps with a clearly half-forced smile.
Kei steps fully into his room muttering, “That should be my line.” under his breath and closes the door, tossing his bag on the desk chair and setting his glasses and headphones on his nightstand. He’ll take the prescriptions out later. Right now he doesn’t want to think about them. He doesn’t want to think about anything at all.
He half falls, half crawls face first into bed, however a six foot something senior manages to do so. As if on cue, relief washes over him. His bed means comfort. Comfort means safety. He reaches his arms out and hooks them underneath the pillow his face is pressed into and takes a deep breath. His chest aches. He's craving oxygen, so he takes another. And then another. It doesn’t take long before he can feel his consciousness fading. He has schoolwork to do so he shouldn’t be napping, but right now, all Kei wants to do is sleep.
His phone pings, jolting himself awake with an embarrassing startled noise he sure as hell hopes Akiteru didn’t hear from the other room.
“Shit! When did I turn the sound on?” He grumbles to himself, grabbing his phone and squinting his eyes to check the notification.
17:45
Kuroo-san: Hey hey Tsukki, how ya feeling?
Kei flounders a bit to snag his glasses back off his nightstand, nearly knocking down his headphones in his haste, and pushes them onto his face. His fingers start moving immediately.
17:46
Me: One with the void. Or at least I almost was, until your text scared the shit out of me.
Kuroo-san: Ahaha my bad. Just wanted to check in. I’ve finished classes for the day, you won’t believe what happened in communications today. Got time to Skype?
Kei’s face is still halfway stuck in his pillow, but he suddenly gathers enough energy to roll over and sit up properly.
Me: Don’t tell me Bokuto-san accidentally erased Akaashi-san’s files again.
17:47
Kuroo-san: Better.
Kei smiles to himself, something he doesn’t even realize he’s doing. The ache in his chest is gone, something he doesn’t realize either, and his head is clearer than before. That, he does realize.
The void can wait for now. And so can his schoolwork.