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“I’m moving away, Doie.” His bright eyes twinkling as they always did, always so bright as if Doyoung was staring directly at the sun. Back then, it had always felt warm and sweet, like home but now, as Doyoung watched those beautiful eyes stare back at him, it suddenly occurred to him how cold it felt, as if there was a draft somewhere, leaking the warmth that used to soak his heart.
As beautiful as they were, they were guarded, anxious about his reaction. Doyoung was admittedly more clingy than he let on, and found it difficult to let go even when it was for his own good. For others, it probably felt like wearing a safety belt, something you end up forgetting about because it kept you secure in yourself, protected from harm, and Doyoung supposed that that was his role. ‘I’ll protect you from now on’, that kind of feeling must feel nice when you’re the one receiving it...but even after a while you get tired, exhausted by how tight it feels around you, like a snake coiling around its prey. Doyoung's been told before that his love is too much, like it engulfs you, leaving no space for yourself. ' I need some space', they said, ' it's selfish', they shouted and eventually, they all left. It seemed to them that Doyoung's expression of love was less endearingly clingy and more atrociously suffocating as it finally latched onto and tainted its latest victim.
He watches the way Taeyong twitches slightly, eyes darting around his face for anything at all, but Doyoung is silent, unable to process the detachment and his curse.
“I...I think it’s my real big break. I’ll be moving to Osaka, you know? And I haven’t seen Yuta in ages, I think it’d be really nice to visit him after so long. Maybe I could room with him or-” Whatever he continues to ramble about, Doyoung doesn’t remember. He eventually smiles, nodding and celebrating his future and he can tell Taeyong is relieved somewhat, relaxing as he hugs Doyoung, thanking him for being so understanding and for supporting him. He replies that that’s what friends do and Taeyong smiles a little while Doyoung tenses.
It’s the ‘polite’ smile that he does, when he feels slightly uncomfortable. For someone who’s seen it a bunch of times in the 7 years he’s known him, it feels weird receiving it, like there’s some sort of screen between them, one he didn’t realise was there until it was too late.
Some part of him breaks at the thought but he smiles brightly anyway, reaching out to pat his head as Taeyong shuffles away, flustered by it. And so, Doyoung blacks out after that, an attempt to suppress the fear and sadness that threatened to burst through his calm veneer, his face moving on its own accord as his mind receded back into the recesses, straight back into the abyssal chasm he managed to claw his way out of the first time he met Taeyong.
Taeyong broke the news to the rest of the group later that night and Doyoung felt himself break for the second time that day. He didn’t have the strength to piece himself back together after that.
Two months had passed since then, and Taeyong had been too busy packing and getting ready for his new job, to reach out to anyone. The radio silence had left Doyoung unsettled, his finger hovering over the call button every night but always eventually relenting, throwing his phone somewhere on his bed to find the next morning. Doyoung lived like that for two months, his mind always preoccupied by him but unable to do anything about it.
Somehow along the way, Doyoung had found himself a burden, and the wall between them only grew taller with each passing day. He had reacted the way it was expected of him; polite and sweet, supportive and kind but the guard Taeyong had when he told him the news sat in his mind, toiling with the rest of his thoughts.
It had never been like that between them before, and whatever Taeyong was holding back was making Doyoung feel like everything he did was overbearing.
‘You’re asking too much of me,’ ‘you’re being too much,’ ‘your love is suffocating me,’ Doyoung was afraid of hearing all of these things. So he always stood back whenever he thought he was going overboard, whenever he felt like he was being too clingy. But even someone as meticulous with his image as Doyoung was, was always bound to make a mistake somewhere. Whatever had happened to Taeyong in those few months, Doyoung automatically assumed it was his fault for being too emotionally demanding that he ended up pushing him away. To Japan , no less. To someone else.
However, Taeyong didn’t have to say anything to break his heart. Doyoung never heard those words but he felt them somehow. Taeyong moving away was to be expected for someone like him.
His meticulously curated portfolio wasn’t for nothing after all, Doyoung knew deep inside that he would have to leave their quaint little town someday, even if Doyoung wasn’t the reason, Taeyong would always end up leaving. And so he was, after catching the eyes of some of the most established fashion designers in the industry, all of whom were actively looking for fresh faces to bring into the ever-evolving profession.
Taeyong, Doyoung had long known, was too good to be limited to such small places. You can’t put talent in a shoebox, you can’t contain starlight in a jar, and you could never hold Taeyong back from things he desired. Doyoung simply knew he would turn the industry on its head as soon as he set foot on their grounds.
And so, Doyoung would have to acknowledge that this was simply how life worked after university, after being cooped up in one place for too long; people leave, and if you want the best for them, you have to let them go, even if it breaks your heart, even if you turn to stone, because that’s what you do for people you love.
So, today marked the day Taeyong was supposed to depart onto his new life; his young, bright eyes boldly staring ahead, walking fearlessly towards the future with a determination that only he could have, and Doyoung could only watch him get further and further away, until he was nothing but a shadow in the horizon. And finally, despite it all, he felt the remnants of his heart reduce themselves to ash, too brittle from the cold isolation of winter, with no warmth to cling to, with no hope within reach.
Doyoung had spent his school years writing, turning his heart into poems, lyrics, and novels that brought him into the spotlight of some of the most competitive publishing houses Seoul had to offer. He had risen quickly and surely, his first publication ‘Star Blossom’ shooting through the ranks before he could even understand what was happening. Taeyong had appeared to him then, wading his way through the excitement, the uncertainty and the anxiety to meet him with a warm smile. He had situated himself as the light in his life, the gentlest and warmest light Doyoung had ever had the pleasure to behold.
He quelled his deepest concerns with reassuring smiles and sweet whispers and he even sat with him under the dim light of the moon and held him whenever he lost himself in the dark. Doyoung had only been a boy from a small town, making his way through the world and Taeyong had been someone he depended on and someone who accepted him as he was.
So, it really wasn’t surprising when Doyoung realised he had fallen in love with him. Not when he felt all life’s meaning seep into his body every moment he spent with him, as if his laughter melted away the cool winter of his heart to reveal a bright and warm spring, his smile shining bright like the stars that dotted the night sky. It was like Taeyong’s presence was as vital as the air he breathed and suddenly, Doyoung had felt completely and utterly at his mercy.
All poets had muses, and Taeyong had become his, filling up the empty spaces that once dotted Doyoung’s mind. He waxed lyrical about everything he did, everything about him made its way into his writing. Somewhere along the line, Doyoung had felt as if he didn’t know where he began and where he ended, finding his mind inextricably bound to Taeyong, clasping at everything he could find.
It was addictive, Taeyong was like that. Like walking through the desert and finding an unexpected oasis, Taeyong was a fountain of excellence that Doyoung couldn’t get enough of. His every word, his every smile, his every glance, Doyoung had soaked up as if he would die if he didn’t. He became easy to read as a result, and Doyoung knew him inside and out without trying.
Yet...As they met for the final time, Doyoung watching as he bid good-bye to everyone, Doyoung no longer recognised the boy he had met back then, when they were both thrust out into the world for the first time. The man he saw in front of him was more self-assured, but guarded now, that warm light hidden behind folds of protection that were no longer connected to Doyoung. He didn’t need him anymore.
It might have been reassuring if it was the same for him. It might have been soothing if Doyoung was still a part of him somehow, just as Taeyong was a part of him, always.
You’re my everything , he had desperately wanted to say when they had finally embraced, his eyes roaming over the face he’d spent years observing for the last time. From the sweet caramel of his eyes, to the soft, delicate rose scar on his cheek, to the rosy, angelic pout of his lips, to the sharp line of his jaw contrasting starkly against the fresh-faced beauty of profile. Everything about him Doyoung had committed to memory, everything about him etched its way through his heart to his work, to the point that, despite it all , Doyoung almost couldn’t let him go, as if he was releasing a breath underwater.
What would happen to a fish once it forgot how to swim? What about a star once it fell? Doyoung’s last vestiges of being, still clung to Taeyong, even if he knew they shouldn’t. Their connection was lost, whatever they had once built together crumbled beneath them and yet , Doyoung still wanted him, still saw some light through the cracks and wanted to reach out and feel its warmth.
But, as he had gazed into those eyes one last time, twinkling as they always did, the shadow that he had been running from had finally engulfed him. There were no more tears to shed, no more warmth to hold on to, no more light to fight off the hazy uncertainty that now claimed his soul. Taeyong had moved on, he could see it and though there was some love in there, it was but a speck in his heart. Even now, he didn’t quite expect him to have changed so much, so quickly. It was an oversight on his part, he never saw it coming. Doyoung had given his heart away without realising what he was doing and now here they stood, like two strangers despite the years that once tethered them together.
Doyoung no longer had the heart to beg him to stay, nothing would have been justifiable anyway. Unable to stand looking at him, he pressed a chaste kiss to his hands instead, placing a carefully, wrapped parcel into his hands. Doyoung barely had it in him to look at his expression, glancing quickly to meet curious eyes and offering a small smile.
It was a collection of all the poems he had written for Taeyong, from their first meeting to their last and as Doyoung left the terminal, feeling the cool air on his face as he looked up at the sky, in some way he felt lighter. As much as his heart had toiled and broken beyond repair, it was no longer as heavy, as if he had released it all into that book. That book...Which was the only one of its kind, with his most heartfelt inscription and dedication, the only one Doyoung has ever written: To the love of my life, Lee Taeyong.