Chapter Text
I was sitting cross legged on my bed, guitar in lap, writing down a song, I didn't like treble clef, all the different symbols always got jumbled in my head, but I felt like this song couldn't be written in tabs, not for any technical reasons, I just thought that tabs was going to take away from the meaning of the song, even though only two people were ever gonna see the sheet, as I fail to write another note it takes everything I have not to throw the pencil, as if it was it's fault, not that it's late and I need sleep, not that I am trying to write down feelings I would rather not think about, in a unfamiliar format that makes me think about them, no, the pencil is to blame, maybe my notebook too.
I laid my guitar down beside me and got up to go to the kitchen, maybe some coffee would help.
When I entered the kitchen, Dane, my roommate and childhood friend was already in there, making themself a bowl of ramen, I guessed it was another all night study session for them, I started rooting through the cabinets looking for my instant coffee, the stuff sucked but it did the job, they noticed the aggressive way I was moving and decided to ask the one question I didn't want to be asked. "Are you still hung up on T-"
I slammed the cabinets closed and stormed off before they could finish, even though I knew they were just worried about me, I was not ready to talk, not about her at least, I threw on my coat and headed out, I was worried if I went back to my room I would break my guitar, so instead I went on a run, which was a bad idea, because all I could think about was how she always encouraged me running my anger out, never listened, funny how I don't listen until it's too late, I went from running to just walking, walked until morning, luckily I didn't have work that day.
I was passing by the college, trying to get an idea about the time since I forgot my phone, when I saw a poster that read. "Free anger management support group! Open to anyone, weekends 1 pm - 8 pm, classroom 1-6" There was probably more to the poster, but that's all I remember, she always suggested I join one of those.
Maybe I should, I knew it wouldn't bring her back, but it might save me some pain in the future, luckily I kept a small notebook and a pen in my coat pocket, I wrote it down and then went home, probably to finally get some sleep.
It's been three months since I joined that support group, and if anything I had gotten worse, it's not like I am not trying, just everything that reminds me of her makes me angry, and everything reminds me of her, maybe angry is the wrong word, she always said that my anger might have been more me not wanting to feel something.
My alarm clock went off, telling me it's time to stop laying in bed from another sleepless night and do something, so I started picking up the mess I made from another rage fueled destructive episode, at least it has just been my own stuff lately, would she be proud or disappointed?
My notebook was laying open on the ground with a snapped pencil next to it, right, my rage last night was caused by treble clef again, I checked my guitar, making sure I didn't hurt it, just the same old glue marks from all the times I cracked it in high school, at least I was no longer that bad, I turned it over to check the back and my heart sank.
There was one of the stickers she would always put on my things to try to make my day better. It's been 6 months, how have I not looked at the back of the headstock in all this time? It was a pink heart that said "breath, it'll be okay".
I almost dropped my guitar as my knees started to give out, it took all my strength to slowly lower myself to the ground, and for the first time since middle school, I cried, I sobbed so loud that Dane heard me, they didn't ask why I was crying, which was good, because I didn't even know why, they just held me, only the sounds of my tears could be heard, I ended up passing out, woke up tucked in bed with Dane sleeping on the floor using one of my stuffies as a pillow.
I carefully got out of bed, not wanting to wake them up, after leaving a note so they wouldn't worry, I went on a walk, the sun was warm, and the birds were singing, almost made me want to scream, because my life had been falling apart for 6 months, but everything was acting like nothing was wrong, I knew it was dumb to be so upset at nature not reflecting my mood, but I was, and that wasn't going to change.
The sound of paper tearing ripped through the song being played on a piano as I tore Tadpole's music sheet that she worked on for two months in half, I didn't know why her music made me so angry, it just did, even though I loved her and wanted her to continue piano more than anything, she gave me the worst stare I have ever seen, she wasn't angry, I knew how to deal with anger, she was just… broken, she had the look of someone who had given up, she had given up on me, on me ever getting better, on me ever being okay, she sighed, "I can't do this anymore." That was the last thing she ever said to me as she stood up and walked out of my apartment for the last time.
Coming back to the present I could feel tears running down my cheeks.
"I need to get help."
It's been four months since I started to get therapy, it helped, a lot, it's been a month since I last broke anything out of anger, he recommended writing songs with the intention of feeling my feelings, instead of trying to write a song about them while trying not to feel them, I now have 3 different songs written, mainly about my parents, I think? I still hadn't addressed my feelings about Tadpole, and today was our anniversary, so here I was, writing the song I had been trying to write for 9 months, this time in tab, because treble clef was a unnecessary headache, it's finally coming along kinda smoothly, although, it would sound better on a bass, I started to sing.
"I don't know what to do without you, I don't know where to put my hands, I've been trying to lay my head down, but I'm writing this at three A.M."
It's been a year and a half since Tadpole broke up with me, and here I was, waiting with my bass for my turn on open mic night, I was nervous, I had never performed in front of more than two people before, and I have never performed this song for anyone, it wasn't done, at least not really, it works on acoustic, but it would really shine on electric, but I couldn't afford a electric and amp, and this is one of the most emotional songs I have ever written, what if it doesn't go well? What if people think I am just an edgy teen? What if I get banned because of how bad it is?! Before my thoughts can spiral anymore I feel a hand clap against my shoulder, it was Dane.
"Relax, you are gonna do great."
"How do you know?"
They stretched their cheek. "I… Uh… I could hear you singing through the walls, it's a good song, I actually think your biggest concern should be crying on stage."
My face lit up from embarrassment, I didn't realize I was playing that loud, but before I could respond I heard my name be called.
When I got on stage I made eye contact with Tadpole, She was sitting in the back and seemed to be just as surprised to see me up here as I was that she was here at all, she waved at me with an awkward smile on her face, I waved back, almost in shock, I shook my head, remembering I was supposed to be performing, I cleared my throat. "Uh… Hi, um… The song I will be performing is one I wrote about a… an ex of mine, haha." The song starts off slow and soft, fuck I forgot the name! Too late now.
"I don't know what to do without you, I don't know where to put my hands, I've been trying to lay my head down, But I'm writing this at three A.M." Tadpole was watching intently as I played, I didn't know what she was thinking, and it scared the crap out of me.
"I don't need the world to see that I've been the best I can be, but I don't think I could stand to be where you don't see me."
There is a pause in the singing, and I think I messed up a note because I was not paying attention, all I could think about was the fact my ex, the woman who put up with my anger problems for two years, who put up with me not admitting there was a problem, who broke up with me because she thought I was hopeless, who I was still not over, was watching me play a song I wrote about her.
"On sunny days I go out walking, I end up on a tree lined street, I look up at the gaps of sunlight, I miss you more than anything!" My voice cracked as I started to cry, and have a panic attack, at least this time I was not lashing out.
"I don't need the world to see that I've been the best I can be, but I don't think I could stand to be where you don't see me." She was closer to the stage now, watching me curiously.
"And Autumn comes and you're not yet done with the summers passing by, but I don't think I could stand to be where you don't see me." The song ends with a riff, and as I was playing it Tadpole walked over to Dane and started talking to them, I got off stage as soon as I was done without a word.
"... Been doing a lot better. Has been going to therapy and everything." I walked past them to put my bass in it's case, too scared to look at her, afraid that she would be upset.
"Dane was just telling me you started going to therapy for your anger problems, is that true?"
"Yes."
"For how long?" She tried to move in a way so that I would look at her, I really didn't want to, I was a ugly crier apparently, so I turned my head away.
"About 8 months."
Her eyes widened. "That's… That's really impressive, have you made any progress?" That's when she saw the sticker on my case that said "2 months anger free." Which I had actually forgotten about, my therapist gave it to me as a moral booster, and it embarrassed me so I put it on my case since I hadn't used it in forever, that was a month ago, still haven't gotten angry, I squeaked because she suddenly hugged me, "I am so proud of you!" She took a step back, "I… I'm not really ready to start dating you again, but I am willing to try being your friend, what do you say?" This time I hugged her, she giggled and hugged me back.
Dane picked up my case, "I'll meet you two back at the car, take your time."
It took another year, but once she was sure I had gotten over my anger problems we started dating again, I still relapse every now and then, but they aren't as bad as they were, and are nowhere near as often, we needed up forming a band with two classmates of mine, and getting married, I didn't think I could be happier until we had our daughter.